itch.io

I have experienced all of these things. 
The fucking isolation I've experienced most of my life. 
The Anxiety. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING THIS. 
I love you sister. 

Parental divorce and being thrown away like trash as a child. 
I am still on my healing journey. I am still stuck in a fucking room that I feel isolated in without my door open. But atleast its not a basement, I have lived in rats nest like dirty rooms, and several basements in my life due to poverty. My Faith has been a big part of keeping me going. Psychiatry, therapy,friends help. But I'm still so fucking broken.  

Recently I was in a very open windowed comfortable cozy apartment with another trans girl. The light was shining, it wasn't dark. The Air was flowing. I could hear birds chirping. And I feel inside of my chest feelings again. Kiss her. I have never felt so loved, affirmed, and safe in my life. But I don't know if this relationship is going to last. She's busy has two other girlfriends, and wants to be friends first which I don't mind. 

Ever since, after my first partner broke my heart pre-transition. I have been unable to truly feel love. My heart has been numb. But a little bit ago I met someone who makes me feel worthy. Worthy of appreciation. I just hope I can see her again soon. 
I hope that she doesn't give up on me like so many other people have. 
I'm fucking terrified of abandonment. The Priest from my parish is leaving for a new position in the church. She is a queer woman and has lead the lgbt group for a year now. She has shown me what feels like true inexhaustible love coming from God. I cried in front of my friends when she told us this. I told her I wish she could stay. I'll miss you so much. I have severe trauma related to abandonment. My queer parishioners consoled me placing thing hands on my shoulders. Hugging me. 

But I've realized that she will be ok, I will be ok. Shes going to go help other people. Shes moving on. I wonder if this is what the disciples felt when Jesus left. Their teacher their Rabbi. 

I'm so used to abandonment, destitute poverty. 
I was going to be homeless last January, but then I found faith. I found other queer friends through my episcopal church and they helped me. I feel furious at the world, all of the greed. I'm Glad I'm still here because I've seen the lives of others around me get better. And I've seen others do things for me out of the kindness of their heart. A lot of trans people may not like it but Faith in God keeps me going. 

forgiving my parents has been hard. Sometimes I don't know if I am able to. 
i try. 

This work made me tear up. Writing my story here to you made me cry. 
 
This work triggered me. It made me remember things I didn't want to. But also sometimes its good to cry. To let myself heal. Crying no matter where you are means you are healing. Especially at church I've learned this.  
I'm tired for apologizing to queer people who reject my faith. 
They see me as a pariah, but i fucking need this. It gives me immense safety.
I do not betray them, I never will. I know God Loves them, and Loves us. 

I'm sorry for rambling about Faith, but it's helped me. Exploring my emotions, crying, finding love. Affirmation is important, Queer lives are important. Sometimes we need to acknowledge our trauma to start healing from it. Sometimes we need to face the evil we've experienced and talk about it. Sometimes we need to look at the future to keep going. Sometimes we put our hopes in someone to keep going. 

-Lina Campbell