After being abducted by two aliens, their spaceship crashes and leaves you stranded on a galaxy called 'Aquarii", which is populated by a species called 'Mitans'.

You're taken in by the Queen of Aquarii, where she reveals you are a child of one of Aquarii's gods. A cool idea in theory, but it appears the Mitan's aren't particularly happy with a human being half-god.

The queen believes that your arrival is a sign an upcoming war between Mitans and gods can be prevented, while others believe this war is inevitable.

As you are forced to fight for your right to live, you're left with one question:

Can a universe survive without gods?


Choose your pronouns, sexuality, and appearance.

Join forces with an unusual group of aliens with unique features.

Choose between five RO's, two female, two male, and one non-binary option.

Become a demigod and pick one of twelve gods to be the child of.

Deal with a strange device that has been turned against you and the Mitans (along with the alien that built it).

And fight an emperor!


Liviana Vlahos, The Queen (she/her)- The queen of Aquarii and all Mitans, she is beloved by all her people for defeating the tyrant who ruled before her. She was kind enough to lend her hand in your time of need, but it's hard to tell if she genuinely cares for you. If you don't prove to be helpful, she may just throw you into the fray.

Estelle Alinac, The Chief (she/her)- The chief of the Justice Association of Aquarii, Estelle is known to be a cold and intimidating woman. She doesn't like you, or humans, and makes that abundantly clear every time you talk to her.

Amare Mailon, The Recruit (he/him)- A new member of the Justice Association of Aquarii, Amare can appear quite naive and unserious. With others, he's sarcastic and witty, but with you, he's nervous and paranoid. Being a member of the JAA, anyone would assume he's just worried about something happening to you. But you know from the way his eyes flick to your arms and legs that the fear runs deeper. You can't tell which matters more to him; stopping a war, or preventing humans from finding Aquarii. Ellery Torres, The Doctor (he/him)- Liviana's personal doctor and the most renowned doctor in the galaxy, Ellery appears as someone you can trust. He can make you feel at ease with his playful humor and light-hearted personality. He has sworn to the queen that he will do everything in his power to keep you alive and healthy. He doesn't appear threatening, but who can you trust in this unknown galaxy?

???, The Mastermind (they/them)- Not much is known about the one who lives in the apartment on Fiery Pass, but it's kind of weird how they never turn their purple lights out...

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StatusIn development
PlatformsHTML5
Rating
Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars
(30 total ratings)
AuthorEvie
GenreInteractive Fiction
TagsFantasy, Sci-fi, Twine
Average sessionA few minutes

Development log

Comments

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( 3)

So, I played this a long time ago and was honestly rather lost. I noticed it's been reworked and more added, so I decided to try again. I was still confused early on, but I discovered what's been confusing me so much.

Izar is always referred to as Emperor Izar, but no place name is provided. We aren't told until 100 pages in that Izar is the emperor of the Virrians in an entirely different galaxy. I spent that entire time thinking he's just a corrupt emperor of the Mitans. That should probably be clarified a lot earlier.

Also, there are several instances where the MC is assumed to have done/been told something that is an option regardless of whether we actually picked that option or not.

( 2)

Thank you for the commentary about Izar. I originally thought I implied that he was the ruler of the other galaxy, since the Virrians are mentioned a few times, and the Mitans speak of them as if they’re somewhere else. But after rereading some of the text, I can also see how this might not be clear, so I can go back and clarify. 

As for your second point, I’d appreciate if you could name any of the other instances that MC or someone else mentioned information that was not given before? This is something I’ve been trying to avoid, so I’d appreciate if you could pinpoint other instances. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate your thoughts on Aquarii. ❤️

(2 edits) ( 2)

In the same few scenes. MC mentions Liviana talking to them about a ship. Sure, a ship was mentioned -- once. MC has zero details about it and wouldn't pick it out from a random picture in another galaxy. Speaking of, how does MC even know they're in another galaxy? Literally no one ever mentioned Chronos. MC wouldn't have any idea that's where they are, particularly since the one person they know here is someone they met in Aquarii.

Then when actually speaking to Izar:

MC tells Izar "Answer my original question." even if MC didn't choose to ask any questions.
About Izar killing MC: "You could've sworn everyone around you was telling you that's exactly what he planned to do." No, no one told me that. MC just assumed that. There was an option to ask about it, but no one says anything about it if you don't pick that option.
"Delano told me..." No, I'm pretty sure Delano didn't mention Izar even once. If he did, it was in passing and unremarkable. Not sure if this line changes depending which god you pick? It's particularly strange if it doesn't.
"That, and Emperor Izar keeps saying when the war happens, unlike the gods and the Mitans who say if the war happens." MC has only spoken to one god, very briefly, and neither he nor the Mitans mentioned a war. At all. I'm not even sure that there's an option to learn about this.

I have not played past this point yet.

It has been a week, so MC could have learned some of these things during that time. But if so, it was all off-screen.

There's also a really weird inconsistency where the MC for some reason has no idea how to fight even if you pick all of the several options that imply they're quite skilled with fighting.

( 1)(-1)

I’m confused about your first statement about the ship? I’m assuming you’re talking about the one that was used to capture MC and then was destroyed when MC landed in Aquarii. That ship was mentioned multiple times, and MC started the game in that same ship. Unless you’re talking about another ship being built, which various characters also mention how creating another spaceship to take MC home would take a while. Second, I can see how this might not be clear, but MC knows they’re on a different galaxy because they remember flying and landing on a planet that they have never seen before. Even if they may not know they’re on a different galaxy yet, they know they’re in a different world, but they can make the inference that since they were flying, and they’re surrounded by various space equipment, that they may have landed on another planet. But again, I can go back and add details about seeing the black abyss of the universe and the stars when MC watches Allele and Roux escape through an escape pod and when they’re landing on Aquarii. 

As for your next few points, yes, all of the stuff about Izar changes depending on which choices you picked. That is another thing I’ll make sure I fix. But as for the war, the Mitans, Virrians, gods, and demigods mention the possible war multiple times, it’s the main focal point of the game. The entire reason why MC is training is because of a possible war, and the entire reason why the gods feel under threat because of MC existing is because of the possible war. As for your last point, I don’t think it’s implied that MC has no idea what they’re doing, rather that they aren’t trained. Some people are born with a natural fighting ability, yes, but a street fighter might not last long against a trained bodyguard, for instance. MC might have good instincts, but they are not trained and don’t have a lot of experience. That’s what the training scene was centered around, MC need to be able to hold their own against skilled military fighters and attackers that Izar might send.

I plan to go back and look over the parts where I agreed should be clarified, and I can take a moment to look over the areas where you were also confused, but I hope I could clear some things up for now. Again, thank you for your feedback. Hopefully I can make Aquarii less confusing. ❤️

(2 edits) ( 2)(-2)

I don't think you ever read your own game.

None of what you just described is in the game, and it also completely contradicts what does happen.

Like, seriously. If any part of what you just said is supposed to be in the game currently, it's majorly, majorly bugged. Not just confusingly written, but actually serious coding errors leaving out huge parts of what's supposed to be there.

(1 edit) ( 2)(-1)

Well. It just so happens that I also read this IF a while back. At the beginning I was confused, too, yes. But. It cleared up a bit after the fight scene and such.

And even though I haven't begun to read it anew I still remember the conversations about the war and everything. 

Also, your initial assumption that you think that the author hasen't read their own story is... honestly uncalled for. Especially if one regards their very forthcoming answers to you. In my eyes it's a tad bit disrespectful to assume such a thing if not intentionally harmful.

I am writing an IF too and this part right here is about the only thing I absolutely despise of being one: we IF authors are so close to our readers and try so damn hard to please everyone...and those insults regarding the worlds and characters we've carefully built are often pretty intertwined with our mental health... I for one would feel so disheartened to get such a reply...

Dear author, please dont take such criticism to heart, especially cause it wasn't kept constructive in my opinion.

Many others, as well as I, truly enjoy the world you've built ☝🏻 

And tbh at the beginning...isn't it necessary for the plot and such to be just as confused as the MC? For me it's a sign of good writing the moment the story sweeps me up with some emotion.

The only thing I would love in IFs in general would be more chooseable genders for the ROs. It is adding so much freedom to the story overall and tends to attract a much wider spectrum of readers 🥰 

( 1)

Great game I loved it. That is a bit of inconsistency with the description of Anatole(my favorite god parent), when meeting him and he is descending the stairs the text says: "...you see a hint of brown hair poking out..", and when his appearance is being described it says he has blond hair: "His hair is blond and curly and is cut to reach his eyebrows."

Oops! Thanks for pointing that out! I’ll make sure to have that fixed next update, sorry about that. Glad you enjoyed <3

( 3)(-3)

Game is good but.. I find all the stronger roles/personality are given to the girls?  

The queen and the chief (strong cold personality) are both women while the guys are a 'ewbie with zero power in both personality and status and a doctor that is pretty simple, none to my tastes.. Game is good but I'll pass on this one.

( 1)

Love this one can't wait for more content good job

( 1)

I randomly remembered this if the other day so its been in one of my tabs just sitting. Imagine my surprise to see it has a new update.😂

(3 edits) ( 33)

Not a bad start, but if I'm honest the story lacks life and flow - there are far too many info dumps along the way that you could work into the story more organically. There's a saying 'show, don't tell' used for writing, which means wherever possible show what it is you want to describe to the reader in action, rather than narrating about it. For example, rather then describing the throne at length when MC walks into the throne room, you can have the queen sit on it and interact with it and MC observes it that way, or maybe there are servants polishing it or such - this makes the info deliverance more dynamic.

But this is especially applicable to introducing new characters. Rather than describing every detail of their face & body, instead describe the most notable, important features - the things that immediately strike the MC when they see them. For example, if a person is half-machine, you're going to notice that far more than their hair and eyes color. You can of course mention other details when the character pushes back their curls or winks their sparkling [color] eye, or has a habit of sniffing a lot, body language, etc, but work it into the character's interaction with the world. The MC might stare at a certain feature and that could make the characters feel some sort of way, or another character could warn the MC about something notable about the character before/during meeting them. Maybe the MC meets them in an unusual way, or they say or do something strange or noteworthy that shows their personality. This serves to makes the characters more engaging from the moment you meet them and allows the reader to start deciding how they feel about a character from the first word.

Also, when you introduced the first two friendly characters, Estell and Amare, at no point do they tell the MC (or the reader) their names, yet they're narrated by their names the page after they appear. I was wondering who tf they were until I came back here and read the RO section.

Another thing that's really, really important, you need to think of this from the MC's/readers POV, not your own writer's POV. If I woke up on a strange ship about to be experimented upon, some time should be taken to show the MC's confusion, panic, fear, helplessness, etc about waking up in some foreign place. If this isn't their first time waking up on the ship (if they're in-and-out of consciousness), then you can narrate it with a bit more awareness, since it's not all new (but still frightening, etc). For a decent chunk of the start of the story MC should not be comfortable with their surroundings if it's brand new and completely alien from anything they knew. MC might stare at species they've never seen, act erratically or irrationally, etc. As it is right now, MC accepts all this new stuff as if it's just another day. Even when MC is told they're a demi-god it's like being told it's raining outside, when instead it should be one of, it not THE, most earth-shattering revelations they'll ever hear: their entire identity has just shifted, and everything they thought they knew about themselves. You need to take a little bit of time with such huge moment.
NOTE: If MC hasn't been abducted from earth, you need to work how they got to be there, or what they remember of it, into the introduction, unless they have no memory of where they came from before they were on the experimentation table.

In short, you need to step into the shoes of your characters when you write them, FULLY, including the MC. Forget what you know about the world and characters as it's writer, and just focus on what that single character knows, and how they would feel in the given situation. It will makes your writing a lot more dynamic and captivating. 

I hope this helps a little! Good luck!

( 8)

Thank you for all the notes! I am aware that I tend to overdescribe things, but your tips are really helpful! I'll make sure to take note of that and work on rewriting a bit of the description scenes.

I am also aware that the MC currently does not have a lot of reactions to the situation that they're in. In truth, I wanted to focus more on exposition in the prologue and first chapter. But after reading your review, I do recognize that I may have overdone it with the explanations, I did want to have some things explained earlier because this does take place another another galaxy with a new species, so I wanted to give some context to readers so things made a bit of sense.

But, I can look back through the story and try to incorporate scenes that answer these questions indirectly.

Also, thank you for alerting me that I did not introduce Estelle and Amare during their introduction scenes, I'll go back and fix that.

Your feedback is much appreciated! Hopefully, you can see some changes when chapter two comes out.

( 7)

No problem, I'm glad it could be some use to you. The things I've mentioned are all things I myself learned as a writer, but trust me, it makes a world of difference to the writing. :)

When it comes to exposition, the best thing to do is give it in small doses - never go heavy on it if you can help it. The reason for this is the reader will skip all those details you so badly want to tell them. They won't even do it consciously, it just won't hold their attention so their brain will just skip it. I'm genuinely warning you about this because it's the biggest reason a person will stop reading a story and not pick it back up: even if you plan to take a different route a few chapters in, none of that will matter if the reader has already stopped reading. So try to get out of that habit as quickly as you can. Feed them info/lore strictly on a need-to-know basis, and wherever possible do it via 'show, don't tell'; via the MC experiencing it first- or second-hand.
Example, don't have the MC asking about some species they've never met unless there is a reason they need to know. The MC in your story is already dealing with so much, they're not gonna care about the lore of the place until it's an immediate concern - right now they're probably trying to get their head around what the hell they're doing on that spaceship and who the hell all these weird aliens are and how to feel about it all. One thing at a time.
The best way to give info about a species is when it becomes imperative that they needs to know: when it becomes personal to them, when it's important for survival. This might happen if the MC has to deal with that species one-on-one and doesn't want to mess up, or if they make a friend of that species. Conversely, if you give the reader the option not to ask about further info on a species, say if the player's MC isn't the sort to care enough, or asks someone who can't be bothered informing them, it can cause a diplomatic incident, which can be fun for drama in an alternate path.

One final hint I'll give for dynamic writing is using the character's senses: smell, touch, taste, sight, hearing. When you (or a character, in this case) enter a new and unfamiliar place, what immediately strikes your senses. What sounds do you hear? Is there a smell or smells? What are your eyes drawn to? Is there a smell so strong you can actually taste it? 
Obviously you don't have to go into every single detail because that would be overkill, just pick what most stands out to the senses. The exception to this is if the experience is supposed to be overwhelming for the character's senses and you want to convey that to reader, than you can over-describe a little more (often in a rapid fashion as it gives the feeling of your senses being overloaded as you experience one thing after another).
In short, there will be senses that jump out at you, because they're alien. Even revisiting a scene, something may have changed, and if it's pertinent to the story, it's worth mentioning it.
And of course, and important thing to consider with all these senses is, how does it makes the character feel? For example, a busy market with so many of their sense being bombarded might give a sense of excitement to one character (to explore, if the character hasn't had much freedom), but to another it might make them want to hide or get as far away as possible (if they're afraid of crowds, have a particular condition, or a trauma of some sort).
A dark, alien room with strange lights and foreign objects might give a great sense of unease, or it could make the MC or other characters who are more adventurous or technically-minded, curious to explore.
This of course depends on the character's personality and experiences. You can dictate that for all of the characters in the game, but for the MC, give he player as much chance as possible to convey how something makes THEIR character feel, or how they act toward it, with choices. Let them shape their character's personality through each experience. It makes it very immersive and give the reader a sense of ownership and investment in their character.
And with all of this, remember, 'show, don't tell'. If they walk into that creepy alien room and feel deeply weirded out, don't tell the reader that the character(s) feel creeped out, convey it. Example, they might get goosebumps on their arms, might freeze up, muscles tense, might go quiet or stutter or give a high-pitched laugh, or makes excuses to leave, or physically leave the room. Depending on the character, they probably will have different reactions. You don;'t have to go nuts with this, but it's a good way to give the reader the sense of how they should also feel about this environment (since they're experiencing it through the characters). Or perhaps how they choose not to feel because something about their characters is different (perhaps brave and adventurous, or overly naive and curious).

Anyway, I realise that's all a lot to take in, but yeah, hope it helps you out. :)

( 10)

now this is what i call constructive criticism

( 7)

im taking notes rn LOLLL

( 1)

Great concept! I will be anxiously waiting for your next update.

I absolutely fucking loveed this so much!!! ♥️😭🙈

Thank youuuu!!! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. ♥️