Your Boyfriend

I Like Boys!

Your blossoming sexuality was probably ignited by these virgins.

There comes a time in every straight girl's and gay boy's life when they realize that they are fond of people who have testicles. It could happen in kindergarten, when that veritable Prince Charming lets you play with the Play-Doh he didn't stick up his nose. It could happen in third grade, when little Jimmy tells the whole class that he loves to masturbate, and Ms. Higgins has to call little Jimmy's hippie parents to schedule a meeting about appropriate child-rearing, and you fall in love with little Jimmy before he transfers to a Montessori school because you think the term "masturbate" has to do with horsies. It could happen at the junior high dance, where it's too dark for you to notice your dance partner's disgusting acne, and your dance partner is too drunk from that can of beer he and his friend stole from his Dad's fridge in the cellar and drank in the parking lot to notice how fat you are. Don't worry, though, you're not fat anymore.

The point is, it could happen. You could like boys. Some girls go through a period where they attempt to cultivate a sexual interest in other girls, but this is just a cheap ruse used to plant sexual thoughts into boys' heads, because everyone knows that when two (or more!) girls kiss and rub each other's bodies, it's Erection City, and if you give a guy a boner, he will marry you. This phenomenon is separate from girls who are lesbians who want nothing to do with boners. Lesbians, in turn, are separate from gay guys, who love boners.

At any rate, once you decide that you like boys (and their boners), you may find yourself wanting a boyfriend.

The boyfriends of yesteryear.

Getting a Boyfriend

It's easy. Your mom did it, her mom did it before her, and her mom did it before her. That's just science. For goodness sake, a woman who was crowned "The World's Homeliest Woman" was married and had eight children. Anyone can do it.

If you interact with males at all, and they do not already harbor a romantic interest in you, inform them that you harbor romantic feelings for them. This may seem bold or forward, but not if you're not an idiot about it. Don't waste the time or the money letting a person know you want them to be your boyfriend by doing something ridiculous like scrawling "I LOVE YOU" on their car window with the blood from the heart of a dog. A simple bashful smile has the same effect.

Don't believe this works? Well, all right, skeptical Sally. What if I were to tell you that the kid who sits behind you in Econ, the one who smells like burning tires and bad hot dogs, the one who quotes Ronald Reagan on a regular basis, the one who you're pretty sure owes you four dollars, what if I told you that kid wants to cuddle with you? OHMYGOD SURPRISE SURPRISE YOU START LIKING HIM TOO THOUGHT EXPERIMENT COMPLETE.

You could be this puppy.

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People Who Are Stupid

Once they decide they want a boyfriend, many people work themselves into a self-pitying stupor, convincing themselves that no man will have them. They will whine and present self-aggrandizing evidence supporting the idea that they will die alone. "Other girls are too slutty," "I'm too smart," and "I'm too aggressive," are just a sampling of the myriad reasons people are convinced they cannot procure a boyfriend, and if we get into the problems people have with the way they look, we'll be here all night, talking about fat foreheads and hips that aren't pointy enough.

If this gets to a point where the said person starts whining to EVERYONE about how they can't get a boyfriend, then someone should seriously suicide or get shot. Whining about NOTHING will get you NOTHING.

How to Stop Thinking That Men Will Vomit at the Sight of Your Naked Body

• Turn off the Safe Search on Google
• Type in anything.
• Look at those giant, pockmarked grandmothers getting porked! Man, they're really going at it. Jesus Christ, is that a kitten? No! NOOOOOO!!!
• Watch two girls, one cup

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Boys Who Are Friends, But Not Your Boyfriend

This is a distinction used exclusively by those who are under the age of sixteen, because by then, everyone's wised up. If you are in any way associated with a pubescent boy, there is a 98% that he has fantasized about you in a string bikini, possibly sipping lemonade seductively. Any of your friends that are boys, who do not slap you in the face on sight screaming obscenities, would like to be your boyfriend, since this gives them a socially acceptable avenue by which to be in close contact with breasts. Of course, if you have no breasts (meaning that you are a man, not an A cup) it may be less likely that all of your friends who are boys want to be your boyfriend, but the lack of desire to enter a relationship does little to curb their lustful curiosity, especially at summer camp.

Enjoying Your Boyfriend

Now that Facebook lists you as "in a relationship," what are you supposed to do?

Years of indoctrination by publications such as Cosmopolitan, Seventeen, and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series should have prepared you for this. It's your own fault for not paying close enough attention to the world around you that you cannot think of a single thing to do with your new boyfriend. Nice job, spinster.

But here are some suggestions:

My eighteen-month-old cousin.

• Blow him!

I guarantee you that your boyfriend will want you to perform oral sex on him. This is a good way to get your boyfriend to like you even more than he already does, which may be a lot or a little, depending on the situation. If you're the kind of girl or guy who loves giving head, congratulations! You are the best sexual partner in all creation. If the idea is off-putting to you, DO NOT DISCOUNT IT JUST YET.

Adequate blowjobs require that you be able to hold something in your mouth for five minutes without biting it. Come on, my eighteen-month-old cousin can do that. The trick is to do it so often that your boyfriend, scarcely believing the words coming out of his mouth, will ask you to stop doing it so much. This will happen eventually if you act pissy because he cannot muster the energy for the seventh beej of the day, or if you routinely try to blow him at the doctor's office or at a Burger King. Keep it up for two weeks, and he will simultaneously jump away from you if you bob down your head, and feel like the luckiest guy on the planet.

Alas, this is also the fate for girls who are genuinely fond of blowing dudes. It's painful, and something you must suffer alone. Maybe you should stop being such a slut.

• Get into vicious arguments on the way to the movies in the car with your friends.

Laugh at them after you have make-up sex.

• Snoop through his personal belongings.

Reading someone's diary is only fun if they write about you, and who is more likely to reference you than your own boyfriend? Wallets, underwear drawer, browser history... it's all gold. Even if he doesn't include you in his private endeavors, you can still get upset, since he clearly does not care about you.

• Visit a brothel

But end up drinking 15 dollar martinis in silence as brooding whores glare at you. It never said on the website that there was a minimum fee. Come on, aren't any of you on sale?