Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/July 26

July 26: Punch Your Girlfriend Day (Michigan)

• 3400 B.C. – Cave man punch woman. then laugh
• 589 – King Arthur declares himself King of England after using Excalibur to hit his woman.
• 657 – Battle of Siffin. Theys was Diffin, yo. No I'm sayn, Bitch?
• 790 – The practice of "back handing" starts in Europe as a cure for the women talking. It has a success rate of 80%.
• 810 – The practice of "back handing" ends in Europe as reports of excessively clean houses increase.
• 1521 – Famed prophet Nostradamus predicts that the King of England will have an affair and take the Queen of France as his mistress.
• 1524 – Nostradamus's house gets egged by an angry mob as they find his prediction to be wrong and that the King of England does not take the Queen of France as his mistress, but the Prince of Germany.
• 1536 – King Henry VIII of England takes Punch Your Girlfriend day to new extremes, by killing two of his wives.
• 1590 – Martin Luther changes his "100 Thesis" to the "99 Thesis" by deleting the sentence, "Priests are not to be allowed to have relations with children."
• 1792 – The Whiskey Rebellion is lost as George Washington and his troops march to fight off rebels while they were drunk singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. We take one down, pass it around, and 98 bottles of beer on the wall..."
• 1812 – The War of 1812 starts as an 18 year old young British boy gets in a fist fight with a 12 year old American. The two nations get involved as they send reinforcements to help the children.
• 1834 – The whoopie cushion is invented as a seat cover, but does not sell well for making "sounds of unwanted body gases."
• 1870 – The typewriter is invented with only the keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
• 1956 – Harry Belafonte is impregnated by deadly black tarantulas as Shari Belafonte is born among a bunch of bananas.
• 1966 – Bloblobo, king of Bababa, knights Bob the salesmen for his studies in the field of OhmygodIforgottochangemyboxersology.
• 1974 – A Scottish man is viciously attacked by an alien squid after mistaking the creature for his bagpipes. Several women are punched in the process.
• 1988 – Reading in terror - Godzilla is born in the Royal Berkshire Hospital.
• 1994 – Like Henry VIII, O.J. Simpson takes "punch your girlfriend day" a step further by murdering his wife.
• 1997 – Peter Piper picks a peck of pickled peppers. Pfft!
• 2000 – 35 people with the Y2K bug are hospitalized after having close physical contact with their computers.
• 2007 – The Green Archers are beaten by The Blue Eagles, The Archers then punch their girlfriends for not cheering hard enough. The Eagles punch their girlfriends in ecstasy.
• 2008 – Max Mosley celebrates "punch your girlfriend day" by dressing as a Nazi prison guard.
• 2089 – Chuck Norris punches girlfriend, waking his dentist and long-deceased great-great-great-great grandfather Odysseus.
• 3001 – Justin Bieber's preserved remains finally hit puberty.

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