Robert E. Lee
“MWAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Robert E. Lee was a general that saved the Confederacy, and had over 60 troops at his disposal. His archenemy was Ulysses S. Grant, another general that saved the Union.
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| Date of birth: | January 19, 1807 | |
| Place of birth: | Stradfort Hall, Virginia | |
| Nationality: | American, particularly from the Southern United States. Thus, South American | |
| Date of Passing: | October 12, 1870 | |
Civil War[edit | edit source]
Robert E. Lee, along with Stonewall Jackson led the Confederate armies during the Civil War. Jefferson Davis gave him a bad ass laser cannon to help him kill his enemies, along with a HUGE ass battleship. He was prepared to kick the ass of the Union. Although they were outnumbered significantly, he was well-prepared to utterly pwn them.
He participated in many battles to come...
Battle of Bull Run[edit | edit source]
Robert E. Lee regularly watched how the Confederacy was doing on his giant TV. One particular time he watched how the battle was doing was during the Battle of Bull Run.
The Union all died horrible deaths. The Confederacy rick rolled the Union, causing their heads to explode. The clever strategy easily won them the match.
It was Robert E. Lee's personal idea, although he did not actually participate in the battle.
Unfortunately for him, many Confederacy soldiers decided that the war was already over and went home. Robert E. Lee proceeded to peel his hair out.
Battle of Antietam[edit | edit source]
Lee crushed everything in his path, up until he met a general of the Union Team, George McClellan. George McClellan kicked his ass, and Robert E. Lee was forced to retreat with one-third of his army dead.
Fortunately, George was a lazy bum and decided not to pursue him and instead took a nice long nap. Abraham Lincoln was pissed off and canned George McClellan.
Suffice to say, Robert E. Lee was rather happy about that, later commenting that he could have used a nap as well...
Battle of Chancellorville[edit | edit source]
After this little mishap, Robert E. Lee continued to kick ass and chew bubblegum. So many members of the Union....were dying left and right. Gravestones were everywhere.
It was a bloody mess. However, one day while Stonewall Jackson was riding back to camp a Union cavalryman was spotted by two guards. They shot him and saw him fall off the horse. When they went to recover the body they found Stonewall with two bullets in his shoulder. Th' damn'd Yankee mustah got 'im! Stonewall Jackson had to have his arm amputated, and he caught coronavirus and died, much to the joy of the Union.
Robert E. Lee was pissed off and killed many of his Hookers in a rage.
Battle of Gettysburg[edit | edit source]
Not long after Robert E. Lee lost his right-hand goon, things started to go wrong for the Confederacy. The Confederacy marched headlong into the battlefield thinking they would win for sure. Little did they know that the Union had a secret weapon...
The Union pulled out a box. They opened it and out came a ferocious dinosaur named Barney Frank. As it turns out, the prehistoric monster had decided to join the Union. He went around eating every Confederate soldier in sight. It did not end well for the Confederacy... it was a bloodbath.
Robert E. Lee once again lost one-third of his cousins. He attempted to leave the Confederacy, but Jefferson Davis forced him to stay at gunpoint.
Surrender at Appomattox Court House and Death[edit | edit source]
Eventually Robert E. Lee, following the Confederacy being nuked, decided to attempt to sign a peace treaty with Ulysses S. Grant. He rode to a shitty town known as Appomattox Court House in his awesome ride where Grant was waiting.
Unfortunately for him, Ulysses S. Grant was not in a forgiving mood. He fed him to a Sasquatch, where Lee lived for many years before being assassinated by Atticus Finch. The Sasquatch was unharmed in the assassination.
His final words before death were "AAAAAAAAA!". The Confederate General was no more!