Lawnmower-Humvee
“I did not have sexual relations with that Vehicle, Person or Kitchen Appliance.”
The Lawnmower-Humvee, designed by Admiral Ackbar, and put into service in the year 1996, was a revolutionary way of keeping your terrain looking good whilst at the same time waging all-out war on it.
The Lawnmower-Humvee combo had its debut in a heated battle on Lord's Cricket grounds, England, in a fight between Admiral Ackbar and the ticket salesman (who had run out of tickets, denying Ackbar entrance). The battle was intense, with cricketers flying this way and that, explosions going off in all directions, and Humvees driving up and down. But, after the smoke had cleared Ackbar saw that the grounds were perfectly well-mown, if a bit scarred and pitted.
Over the next few years the Lawnmower-Humvee saw many battles across the world, leaving the area looking perfectly manicured. The vehicles were tried and tested by the NLA (National Lawnmower Agency), quickly bringing them up to scratch. They reinforced blades, making them cut through pesky dead bodies quicker, not to mention turning them into a damned good fertiliser.
The Problem[edit | edit source]
Eventually, due to the severe ratio of grass : enemy killed, the grass of the world soon saw these creations as a menace to their very way of life.
They (the grass) complained that they had had more than enough to cope with such as normal lawnmowers, so they formed an elite fighting group known as the UGTLAALHITW (or United Grass-Type Lifeforms Against All Lawnmower-Humvees In The World).
They did of course, get their asses kicked.
But eventually they learned a new type of combat, and teamed up with their new ally, rust, they began raging terrible war upon the hummers.
They would first oxidise the metals of their enemies, rendering them clunky and unable to move. They would then overgrow the hummers, turning them into a jungle of the very things they were out (so it seemed to the grass) to destroy! Oh the sweet irony!
The Solution[edit | edit source]
Well, it was hardly really a problem in the first place.
The humans didn't even know of the Grass' plans, and anyway, rust could be stopped with a simple cloth or wire brush. There were only a few casualties of the evil plan, and those were usually taken out of action due to a broken axle or similar.
And so, the Grass was quelled, but still they held a grudge against the Lawnmower-Humvees, and if ever they saw one unguarded, the old fire would be re-kindled and they and their rusty companions would leap upon it, ruining humvees in periods of months!
The Dusk of the Lawnmower-Humvee[edit | edit source]
Yes, eventually the humvees fell into disuse, as someone in the pentagon pointed out that they were really giving warfare a bad image.
The value of having a well-cut lawn was growing more and more in the late 1990's, and the locals of war-stricken countries would often cheer when they saw a convoy of hummers headed their way. People who had bad luck in the lawn department, would sooner start a war with America than say, call in ground force.
So, the lawnmower-humvees were recalled.
But you could always see the occasional derelict in the backyard of some redneck, and be reminded of the time when they reigned not-so-supreme.