HowTo:Be German
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Austrians may not understand its lack of humor, only its lack of humour. Swiss and Danes may not understand anything at all. You vill not change a thing to remedy zis. |
Do you want to pose as a German? Do you like wearing lederhosen? Do you want to learn how to act like a German in ten weeks? Did you get to this by pressing the Random Article button? If you said yes to any of those questions, then this might be the page for you.
Step 1: Always count with your thumbs first
Germans always do this. I don't know why, but they do. All of them. I also do it as well. Yes, you heard me, I thumb-count too. Anyway if you're going to speak with a German accent and wear lederhosen, count with your thumbs first. Otherwise you're a cunt.
Step 2: Never say anything funny
Germans have very little to no sense of humor (if you're British, Germans don't have any sense of humour), so as much as possible, never tell a joke, never laugh thoroughly (unless you're that creepy German Buddhist guy who does all those frightening belly laughs), never make funny music videos, never say things like "Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired" (only Austrians are only allowed to say things like that), never wear funny or insulting-looking shirts, never say things like "Oysterfuck" or "Shitballs", never sing songs that can't be taken seriously (like "U Can't Touch This"), never make jokes about alpenhorns (or maybe the Swiss hate those, whatever), never tell puns, never tell double entendres and above all NEVER watch Bullyparade – it's a disgrace to German unfunniness.
Step 3: Call your homeboys Krauts
Just as some black people call their homeboys "niggas", Germans usually refer to their homeboys as Krauts.
Never call your homeboys Wops. You'd just sound stupid, unless of course you're in that part of Germany at the southern half of the country that actually has a large number of people of Italian descent. That's okay. Otherwise you sound stupid.
To summarize, don't call your homeboys Wops unless you're trying to shock them – which would leave them either indifferent or laughing, if Germans were able to laugh, which like I said before isn't going to happen – and more importantly do call your homeboys Krauts.
What German doesn't know the words to "99 Luftballoons"? Definitely no self-respecting German, as every German knows the words to that song. (And if somebody tells you otherwise, tell them they can kiss my ass.)
Step 4: Listen to Nena
Also, not all but a lot of Germans know the words to "Lass Mich Rein, Lass Mich Raus" by the pop group Trio. An example of German avant-garde impulses, the song is simply nothing but a man saying people's names over and over again and saying "Let me in, let me out."
Also, the Scorpions are German, although that's another shame to some Germans, unless you're talking to a German metalhead, in which case it's perfect.
Step 5: Be punctual
Goddamn it! As a German, you must be punctual for everything. Be punctual for trains, be punctual for work, be punctual for breakfast, be punctual for dinner, be punctual for school, be punctual for your favorite TV show, be punctual for sleep and be punctual for your bowel movements.
Any German who is not punctual in any situation at any time is excommunicated and set to the much more laid back neighbor country of Czech Republic, where the trains could ruin a minute or two late.
Step 6: Speak German
You might not know how to get along with the Germans if you don't speak their language. And trust me, knowing their language is important. In case that thing happens again, you should probably know when you're being called out. (I probably shouldn't have said that though.)
What you first remember is that German is an Indo-European language, so if you already speak English, Spanish, French, Italian, Romanian, Portuguese, Dutch, Swedish, Norwegian, Icelandic, Provencal, Latin, Czech, Slovak, Polish, Greek, Serbo-Croatian, Albanian, Slovenian, Bosnian, Bulgarian, Russian, Ukrainian, Armenian, Latvian, Belarusian, Farsi, Baluchi, Kurdish, Pashto, Kashmiri, Hindi, Bengali, Biharti, Gujarati, Rajasthani, Sindhi, Sinhalese, Tamil, Marathi, Assamese, Punjabi, Sindarin, Welsh, Irish Gaelic, Scots Gaelic, Manx Gaelic, Sanskrit, Tocharian A, Tocharian B, Hittite, Phrygian, or European Fish, then you already a thing or two about German.
Here are some important things you need to remember:
- The letter "W" is said with the V sound.
- The letter "J" is said with the Y sound.
- The letter "ß" makes the "ss" sound.
- Each vowel is said with only said with only one sound. If there's an accent over that vowel, it's pronounced differently. If a German were to say "Blue Öyster Cult" phonetically, it would be said differently than if an American said it.
- Like several other languages, German has masculine, feminine and neutered nouns. A masculine noun would begin with "Der"; a feminine noun would begin with "Die"; and a neutered noun would start with "Das" as in, yes, Das Boot.
- The rules for "a" and "an" are simple – all masculine and neutered nouns start with "ein" and all feminine nouns start with "eine".
- Germans capitalize every noun, no matter what the requirements which can lead to confusion in some cases. For example, if a German was talking about "Der Gott", it would be difficult to know outside of context whether they were referring to God, or if they were referring to a lowercase god.
And I just realized there's not a single joke in this subsection. I think I'm starting to become German myself.
Step 7: Don't call people "Nazis" unless they actually are one
Nazism was a shameful part of German history – really of any history for that matter – and calling somebody a Nazi or giving them the sig heil can really offend them, unless they're one of those insane old Nazis like the one from the Producers, in which it's actually extremely funny. But like I said before, Germans don't have a sense of humor, so they'll probably chop off your hand if you do this since they won't be able to smell your sarcasm. And when I say they'll chop off your hand, they'll chop off whichever hand you give the Nazi salute with, so if you're ambidextrous and do it with both, then you'll be handless.
Step 8ː Hate Nazis with all your heart
As mentioned before, Nazism was a shameful part of History, especially of German history, making Germany the most anti-Nazi country ever, even more anti-Nazi than a country full of Jews. Therefore, to be a good German, you must be as staunchly anti-Nazi as possible.
Yes, go on, praise the dudes who kill Nazis, call the whole national army to travel to a country to arrest every Nazi there if you spot a Nazi, kill Nazis yourself, and deny people who don't like Jews a drink, or else you'll be something less than staunchly Anti-Nazi. While you have the right to invite in every German in Germany to kill Nazis, it's better to convince them not to be Nazis, because it would be Nazi to kill those who disagree with you. Watch Captain Americaː The First Avengers 91 times, for you'll see how to hate Nazis. Like Hitler, because he killed Hitler. That way you'll make your Anti-Nazism stronger than itself, and thus infinite.
Also, make sure to make your ideology anti-Nazi. Be super-feministic, because the Nazis were sexist. Support Russia, because the Nazis hated Russia. Let Poland invade you, because that would be the reverse of the Nazis' invasion of Poland. And while you're at it, why not shave the middle of your mustache, making the reverse of Hitler's toothbrush moustache. Go back in time and kill Hitler]] Don't go back in time and kill Hitler, because Hitler killed himself, and you don't want to kill Hitler's killer.
Step 9: Drink German beer
German beers are amazing, and provided you don't mind farting a lot, you'll probably enjoy them too.
I recommend ... well, I don't recommend anything because I don't know anything about German beer, or really Germany in general. I would recommend going for the big names, but also go for those small town brews as well.
Now with German beer, let's raise a toast to your completion of being German! Now you will be able to let any Austrian scheiße his pants!
Notes
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