GWAR
| GWAR | |
|---|---|
 GWAR, after killing all the dinosaurs | |
| Background Information | |
| Origin | Various Planets, GWAR, Antarctica |
| Genre(s) | Cat Food, Arockalypse, Bavarian Prostitution |
| Years Active | The Beginning of Time - The End of Time |
| Statistics | Concert Death Toll: 2,133,745.6 Concert Fatality Rate: 99.9999999...%[1] Songs Written: All Concerts Held: 1337 |
| Website | http://www.gwar.net |
| Current Members | Oderus Urungus Flattus Maximus Balsac the Jaws of Death Beefcake the Mighty Jizmak da Gusha |
“Every video should be like a GWAR video.”
“This is actually probably the most accurate entry on Uncyclopedea.”
“If I become homeless and gay where will I suck dicks for a living?”
GWAR is a group of demigods from various planets that have been exiled to this pathetic mudball for hundreds of billions of centuries.
Over the last 25 years, GWAR has spent their time performing rock music and making an award-winning cat food out of their fans after each concert.
GWAR was named as such by "The Master" after he created the elite fighting force, he dubbed them with a a name, and so GWAR was created.
History[edit | edit source]
Origin[edit | edit source]
In the beginning of time, the Master, a giant celestial butt, created existence, but he got bored with it, so he created life. After 42 years, he created disasters, but he got bored with that too, so he created monsters.
After a while, the monsters gained in power that threatened the Master himself, so he created GWAR to combat the monsters.
They killed all the monsters, and thus they began eating far too many chili-cheese dogs, fucking animals and generally creating a mess of things.
GWAR actually stands for "Gosh What a Amazingly (beautiful) Rainbow". The sound in turn was found to be an aphrodisiac to Oderus and Beefcake the Mighty, and so beautiful and meaningful that they decided to make it their motto, their name, and their way of life.
Exile[edit | edit source]
The Master was annoyed with GWAR, so he banished all of them to eternity on a pathetic mudball in the middle of nowhere. They decided it would be a nice place to live, so they killed all the dinosaurs, stretched their gizzards across the Grand Canyon, and bassist/swordsman Beefcake the Mighty composed the first song, "I Write The Songs."
The Master was angered at their fun, as well as infuriated that they created the human race by fucking apes, and froze them in a giant ice-block in the ice-capital of Antarctica, GWAR.[2]
The 1980's[edit | edit source]
In the 1980's, the astronomical amounts of hairspray used by glam bands such as David Bowie melted the ozone above Antartica, freeing GWAR. They left Antarctica for the United States, where they met Sleazy P. Martini. Sleazy taught them how to use instruments, and they formed a band of the same name.
Current Activities[edit | edit source]
Recently, Gwar declared the results of the 2008 Presidential Election invalid and would be decided the presidency in a wrestling match. Also on the line were the Frank Sinatra belts of total world domination.
Adoption[edit | edit source]
In the year of 666 ADHDTV (After Developing High Definition Television), the not-so-public announcement that hide had adopted Gwar was made. He promised to feed them wholesome foods and to give them free range over the universe if they made good grades. Ever since then, Gwar has been secretly trying to engineer monstrous pink spiders in the name of hide, in an attempt to take over the universe. And make good grades.
The Band[edit | edit source]
“Are your ears bleeding, too?”
GWAR's sound has been described as Satanic, Demonic, Fiendish, and downright badass. Its effects allegedly include:
- Infantile spontaneous combustion
- Hearing loss
- Erectile function
- Diarrhea
- Death
- Arson
- Sodomy
- Genital Herpes
- Mass suicide
- AIDS
- Being Homeless and Gay
- Kidney Stones
- Crabs
- Rectal Bleeding
- And the occasional deep-throat gagging on a cuttlefish
Members[edit | edit source]
The band has had many members, many of which are now dead.
Current members[edit | edit source]
The current lineup of GWAR is made up of five members. Only one of them is dead.
- Oderus Urungus (Lead Screamer/Singer/Shouter/Swordsman): Oderus hails from planet Scumdogia, in the middle of the universe, and is 28 million years old. His mother was a petri dish and his father was a supercomputer. At one point, a hyperintelligent fish, the Cuttlefish of Cthulhu, attached itself to his thighs, but at a joint concert with the Police, the Police violently removed it with a laser-saw.
- Flattus Maximus (Guitar/Necrophiliac): Flattus is a reptilian recluse from the planet Home. He is illiterate and follows a strict vegetarian diet.[3]
- Balsac the Jaws of Death (Guitar/Battleaxe): Balsac the Jaws of Death (not to be confused with his own ballsack, Balsac) is from the planet Ennui, and he is π x 10 21 000 000 years old. He is taller than Oderus, and weighs 12 tons fully dressed, 98 lbs in a towel. His head is a bear trap. He is the most intelligent member of the band and an alcoholic. He is attracted to quadriplegics over blondes, and writes songs using his scrotum.
- Beefcake the Mighty' (Bass/Dinosaur Guts): Beefcake the Mighty is the heaviest member of GWAR, weighing in at 299 tons. He is credited with inventing music after killing the dinosaurs. He was born on planet Cholesterol, where he met Oderus Urungus, who invited him to join the group.
- Jizmak da Gusha (Drums/Hammer): Jizmak is a canine barbarian from the planet The Wide World of Sports. According to Balsac, there are a lot of frisbees. That is all.
- Sleazy P. Martini: The band's manager.
Former Members[edit | edit source]
Vocals
Amazina ,GWAR woman ([[1986]-1987)known for killing the chernobyl Nuclear cockroach and promoting GWAR cereal
Slymenstra Hymen ([[1988] - 14 April 1865)[4] Deceased.
Johnny Slutman (1985 - 1986) Deceased.
Joey Slutman (1986 - 1990) Deceased.
Guitar
Mr. Magico (1776 - 1789) Deceased.
Stephen Sphincter (1337 - 1776) Deceased.
Cornelius Carnage (1789 - 1985) Deceased.[5]
Mr. Magico (1966 - present) Initially thought to be dead, but just living in Kansas.
Bass
Stephen Sphincter (1337 - 1776) Deceased.[6]
BalSac[7] (1776 - 1985) Deceased.
Beefcake the Tiny - (1067-1981) - formally Beefcake the Mighty, he was sentenced for convicted of forgery for trying to pen Bud Dwyer's suicide.
Drums
Hans Sphincter (1985 - 1992) Deceased.
Hans Orifice (1992 - 1996) Deceased.
Nippleus Erectus (1996 - 1999) Deceased.
Lea Beato (1999 - 2002) Deceased.
Keyboards
Müsel (1337 - 1437) Deceased.
Manager
Sleazy P Martini (1957 - ]]) Managing the Tubes now
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ It has been mathematicallly proven that .99999... = 1, so this is technically 100, despite the fact that 40% of a person made it out of a concert in Philadelphia due to a clerical error.
- ↑ The city and group's names are a coincidence, the city being an acronym of GRAK WURG AAHRG REEK! (Icelandic)
- ↑ That is, he exclusively eats vegetarians.
- ↑ Hymen travelled back in time to help assassinate Abraham Lincoln, and was the first woman hanged in the United States.
- ↑ Many will point out that Lector simply escaped from jail, but those people are communists. Don't listen to them.
- ↑ Sphincter was in fact simultaneously Bass and Guitar player, using a Gibson EDS-1337 in conjunction with his telekinetic powers.
- ↑ Note that this is not a person, but Balsac, Jaws of Death's actual ballsack, which, for its duration as a member of the band, gained sentience and demigod status.