Penis
The penis is the primary functioning organ of a male human being, with the brain coming in a close second and the heart in a disappointing third. Penises, or penii, come in many shapes and sizes, all of which are useless to a man unless they are one specific shape and size.
History
Genesis says that God removed Eve's penis and used it to create Adam. She never forgave Him, nor have her female descendants.
The Lithuanians claim that the penis is named after Lithuanian President Sukis Penis, a depressed emo who invented the penis in 1832 as a form of population control. Before that, people reproduced asexually and were starting to exceed the available food supply. This occurred during the Industrial Revolution, so the penis was soon mass-produced, and man grew so dependent on it that asexual reproduction all but ceased.
The British say the penis originated in the Pennines town of Penistone in South Yorkshire.
The foreskin
The foreskin is a colorful piece of skin that makes the penis look like the tip of an elephant's trunk. It gives off a pleasing aroma and produces its own cheese, which is sold in stores as Ricotta. The foreskin tastes much like avocados. Reportedly, I wouldn't know.
Circumcision
Jews, who can never leave well enough alone, invented circumcision as a way of welcoming male babies into the world, by painfully removing the foreskin. The claimed benefits of this are as follows:
- It greatly pleases God, although why did he put it there in the first place?
- It represents a covenant, and one that does not require lawyers.
- It ensures that the person cannot masturbate without lubrication, which cannot legally be sold in Israel.[citation needed]
- It increases the chance of finding lost items that might otherwise have hidden under the foreskin.
Consequently, Jews have no foreskin. They are, like, naked down there. Many Jews have the foreskin sewn back on the body (usually near the chest or rectum) as a secret pouch to hold their Jew gold.
Muslims circumcise female babies and sometimes female adults. They are copycats who don't always get it right.
People living in England and the Eastern United States circumcise their male newborns. They are usually of neither of the above religions, but everyone else in the Western world seems to be doing it.
Size
Many hours of careful, meticulous research of pornographic films reveals that there is not a penis in existence under six inches. The size of the human penis depends much on gender. Females often have bigger penises than men, but this may be a trap.
Size doesn't matter
A school of thought has emerged that a large penis is irrelevant in satisfying the woman. Oddly, it is often women espousing this principle, as opposed to men tooting their own horn, as it were. Regarding the personal life of those women, it is as when the chairman of a political party touts his candidate's unusual sex or skin color. If he had anything relevant to say, he wouldn't be talking about this. So women touting the irrelevance of penis size are conducting a lifelong awareness campaign to make themselves feel better about living with a two-incher.
Anyway, the orthodoxy with these women is that the underendowed man can compensate with body movements to increase the pleasure of the woman. The unstated secret is that these body movements are nowhere near the penis. They involve the fingers and the wallet.
A smaller minority of women assert that a penis size of zero inches is sufficient to please them. This is an ideology of convenience, as dismissiveness about the penis relieves them of the need to work to become attractive.
Conditions affecting the penis
Several conditions affect the penis. This number is three. Two of the conditions are rare and minor:
- In the Andes, people taller than 5'3" all have a disease that extends their foreskin to three times the length of the penis. A side effect is a sudden craving for carrots.
- Zombie Crotch Rot produces spontaneous circumcision and changes to the semen. In 1996, when Ecuadorean President Abdalá "El Loco" Bucaram accused his opponent of having "watery sperm", he may have been doing him the favor of giving a free, precise medical diagnosis.
The third condition is big and is covered below:
Erections affect the penis
On rare but recurring occasions, blood rushes into the penis, giving it a briefly impressive size. The blood has to come from somewhere – probably the brain, based on consistent reports on the poor quality of decision-making that occurs in the few minutes after the start of an erection.
The conditions under which a person has an erection can help categorize the person:
- If this frequency of occurrence is proportional to the number of
- hot chicks in the room then the patient is heterosexual or straight.
- hot men in the room then the patient is homosexual or gay.
- male children in the room then the patient is Michael Jackson. If this cannot be true, the person is a Catholic Priest.
- female children in the room then the patient is Jeffrey Epstein or Stephen Hawking.
- men and hot chicks in the room then you just don't know. Diagnosing the patient as a transsexual is something you can bill for.
- If there's a Disney cartoon playing in the room (or a live animal in some cases), then the patient is referred to as a furry.
The anti-erection
Conversely, blood may drain from the penis and go back into the brain. The man temporarily acquires extreme intelligence. However, he might not be able to use this intelligence because he may be so alarmed that his penis has shrunk and sometimes been sucked up into the abdominal cavity. At this point, he may be officially female, as he appears to have no penis and to suffer regular, non-lethal bleeding. However, continued clarity of thought would cast doubt on the classification.
However, this is not to be confused with being a furry, that is called an Ant Erection.
Penises as weapons
Humans have used penis swords from the Gay Age onward. Men were proud of their weapons and they jousted and stabbed the women repeatedly. The oldest penises were found to belong to the Mesozoic era of homo erectus around 60,000 BC. No older penises have been fossilized. However, Your Dad's penis is probably fossilized due to the fact that nobody wants you.
The construction of longer penises became possible in the late 3rd millennium BC in the Middle East, first in flesh, then in hard skin. Penises longer than 8 inches were usually classified as boners, though traditional boners had to satisfy stringent conditions. Boners longer than 25 inches were rare and not practical during the Gay Age, as boners would bend easily at longer lengths. It was not until the development of stronger materials (such as rubber) and improved accuracy that boners became practical for use.
Modern development
The penis sword has evolved throughout the centuries, becoming a common household utensil throughout Europe. It was brought to the Americas in 1337 by Christopher Columbus, who reportedly said, "Bend down, ye savages, lest I give ye a hard dicking."
The European penis sword affected the discipline to maintain slavery, with the European overlords holding out these erect, throbbing tools in a threatening way in response to any slave's attempt to flee. Eventually, the oppressed peoples developed their own penis swords, and in some cases even wielded swords longer than 2 feet.
To this day, the penis sword is a source of competition, usually unsheathed in events known as "dick-waving contests" like the war in Iraq.
San Francisco swordfights
The "San Francisco swordfight" is a young man's event, much as medieval knights used to joust for the populace on a fair day. Despite occurring in a city where homosexuality is both a sacrament of the local Catholic diocese and a prerequisite for elected office, swordfighters prove that it's not gay for two men to play with each other's penis if you are doing so as a demonstration of machismo.
A motto of San Francisco for half a century has been, "better living through chemistry", but recent developments in pharmacology have raised concerns that not all swordfights are straight. Contestants in city-sponsored swordfights are usually drug-tested before each bout to ensure that they are not using an artificial enhancement to their swords. The fear is that young athletes would be tempted also to use "the juice" to gain an unnatural advantage, at a cost of their health in later life.
Penises in architecture
- Main article: The Phallic School of Architecture
As Sigmund Freud once noted, "sometimes a building is just a building." But the penis has been a recurring theme in the world's architecture.
Dick – a popular name for penises, chimneys and politicians
Build it right and you don't have to label it.
Penises in the English language
As an exclamation
"Penis" can be used as a "sentence enhancer" to express any extreme. Some examples are: Wow! That head shot was penile! or looking down your pants and realizing you have nothing there (given that you used to be a man), exclaiming Holy Penis! I have no penis!!! Or the classic "This show would be so much better with penis Anoos"
The language "Donglish" consists entirely of saying "penis", and when translated to English, it is always "PENIS!" In some societies, it is customary to ring a cowbell whenever someone speaks donglish.
Words for PENIS!!!
For an organ so seminal to human existence, humans have an inordinate difficulty talking about the penis and have invented numerous euphemisms for it. These can be based on the organ's form, function, or desired use.
- Anchor
- Ass-Hole
- Ass Stick
- Ass Pole
- Ass Twig
- Arrector Pilli
- Black n Mild
- Badger
- Banana
- Bang cock
- Bat 'n' Balls
- Baton
- Bazooka
- Beef
- Beef Whistle
- Bird
- Birdie
- Bill Clinton
- Billy Ray Cyrus
- Bishop
- Bob
- Bottle
- Barack Obama
- Carrot
- Cigar
- Chicken Wing
- Cock
- Corn hole
- Craftsman tool
- Crap
- Cucumber
- Cum Nozzle
- Donald Trump
- Dick
- Dickhead
- Dinger
- Ding-dong
- Dongle
- Drill Machine
- Disco stick
- Engine cranker
- Elegy
- Family jewels
- Fuck Cock
- Fire hydrant
- Fishing rod
- Flagpole
- Fat Fucking Sausage
- Female Sucker
- Flammer
- Fountain of Youth
- Fountain Pen
- the Friendly Gnome
- Gigglestick
- Glue Stick
- the Grandma Chafer
- Groin Thorn
- Gun
- Ham
- Hamburger
- Hammer
- Hanging Johnny
- Handcock
- Hole Hunter
- Horn
- Horse
- Hose
- Hot dog
- Hairy Hot dog
- Hot Diggity dog
- Hog
- Hooley Dang
- How's your father?
- Injection
- Inflatable Flamingo
- Jackaroo
- Jackhammer
- Jordan
- John Henry
- John Thomas
- Johnson
- Jonathan
- Joystick
- Key
- Kidney-cracker
- King's Mace
- Knob
- Legwarmer
- Lemon juicer
- Lower Ninth Ward
- Love whistle
- Magic wand
- Meat
- Meat Stick
- Meat Whistle
- Missile
- Mushroom
- Masturbation tool
- Manhood
- Nails
- Neck tie
- Nasty Stick
- Noob Toob
- Number 1
- Oingo Boingo
- Old blind Bob
- On button
- One-eyed monster
- One-eyed snake
- One-eyed trouser trout
- Organ
- Package
- Pecker
- Pee Pee
- Pee Hole
- Paynis
- Pepperoni Stick
- Peter
- Pingas
- Ping Pong
- PlayStation 3
- Pocket rocket
- Popsicle
- Pork 'n' beans
- Pork sword
- Poop
- Precious Cargo
- Priest's only friend
- Puzzle Piece
- Queen's Favorite
- Ragin' Cajun
- Rocket
- Rod
- Rumpleforeskin
- Santa Claus
- Sausage
- Sassy Sausage
- Scepter
- Spongebob Squarepants
- Shit
- Screwdriver
- Second Head
- Schlong
- Shaft
- Showerhead
- Splooge machine
- Shuttlecock
- Skin-Flute
- Snake
- Snake head
- Snooch
- Sperm whale
- Spike
- Spanker
- Sprayer
- Stick
- Super Soaker
- Syringe
- Tail
- Tallywhacker
- Tank
- Third leg
- Thingy
- The You know where
- There
- Tool
- Tower
- Toodle
- Triangle
- Trombone
- Trouser snake
- Turnip
- Tube steak
- Vaginal Spelunker
- Uloop
- Viagra waster
- Wang
- Wee Wee
- Whim Wham
- Whammer
- Whatchamacallit
- Who Who dilly
- Willey
- Wing
- Weenie (Wiener)
- Woody Woodpecker
- World Trade Center
- Xanax
- Yogurt cannon
- You Know What
- Zakaru
- Zeppelin
Some people prefer the personalized approach and invent a pet name for their penis. Less imaginative people source names for their penis from a penis name generator.
Yiddish euphemisms
Yiddish, for some reason, has evolved as a natural language for euphemisms for the penis.
- Petzl means a dirty penis.
- Schmuck is a pejorative term.
- Shtickl is especially useful, as it connotes small size.
In theory, any Yiddish word, or Yiddish-sounding word, can be used to refer to the male member – May we suggest "schlong"? – and everyone will just understand.
See also
- Horse
- Software
- Penis jousting
- Masturbate
- Phallus
- Problems
- Clitoris
- Pseudopenis
- Penis Mightier
- Penis penis Penis penis penis penis Penis penis
- Testicles
- Tail
- Cock ring
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