Blackman
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Blackman is a superhero film franchise created by BET films and loosely based on the comic book Captain Coon by Langston Hughes and Alan Moore. It has spawned many video games, action figures, graphic novels, pornographic adaptations, and even a Saturday morning animated series on UPN. Also known as the "Dark Defender", Blackman is the story of mild mannered news reporter Ahmed Zámbacca Qa'id Rufus Jaali Thimba Mufookayan, whose peers and co-workers often tend to have a proclivity to call him by his slave name, Onyx Blarkmon.
Unknown to the world was the fact that Blarkmon's father, Jam-Al, was a lauded scientist...and local Church pastor of the ice planet Kronic. When General Ty-Rone threatened to destroy the planet, Jam-Al was so stoned off his ass he didn't even realize he was actually on Earth and had been admitted to the Betty Ford clinic five years ago. Anticipating that General Emperor Ty-Rone (Jerry the landlord) would eventually one day send him into the Phantom Zone (Betty Ford), Jam-Al placed his only son (crack baby) into a rocket (aluminum garbage can) and sent it to Earth (who the fuck knows where). One day an elderly coulpe named John and Martha Blarkmon found the baby and swore to White Jesus they would raise the boy to one day grow up and be a self-hating Uncle Tom like Larry Elder. And so it came that Blackman, the G-Unit blacksmith of bling, devoted his life to fighting a never-ending battle against haters.
History[edit | edit source]
In May of 1989, Russell Simmons, who was president of Warner Bruthas at the time, contacted Spike Lee about directing a supa' hero movie. The goal was to complete a viable blockbusta' joint with a release date optimistically around the summa' of 1990 in order to compete with Tim Burton's "Misunderstood Androgynous Goth Teenager Movie" starring Johnny Depp. Once he was assured by Simmons that he could both direct the movie and play the lead, Lee had completed a first draft by late September. However, creative difference over casting and script (Spike Lee wanted to cast Rosie Perez as the love interest and to have eight different love scenes of various lengths with the actress) eventually led Simmons to take Lee outta da game (Lee was let go from the project).
By November, John Singleton had been hired on as director and a new script written by Pat Boone was finally finalized with a final draft that both Simmons and the studio didn't hate with an angry incestuous rage. Soon, prestigious black actors such as Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Robert Mugabe, Cheech Marin, Eartha Kitt, all nine of the Wayans brothers bruthas and that one famous fat nigga were knocking down the door just to audition for the once-in-a-lifetime dream role. Although it was later found out that Damon Wayans had already auditioned at the Apollo Theater in July when Spike Lee was considering him for the role of the affable comic relief sidekick, and that Eartha Kitt wasn't black.
In February of 1990, after a fierce emergency production meeting at the WB studio boardroom, it was decided that hiring young black comedic actors to play strong action heroes probably wasn't the best way to go about making an action film. So the studio went another route and contacted the agents to both Ving Rhames and Wesley Snipes. Reportedly, when Rhames came in to read, he thought he was going to play Green Lantern. Once he found out which super supa' hero he would actually be playing, Mr. Rhames placed the script on the floor, pulled down his pants and took a shit on the aforementioned script while crying. After cleaning his black hole and suppressing his soft sobbing, Ving Rhames told the production crew that he would agree to do the film for three thousand dollars dollas, some food and a place to sleep. In a fortuitous stroke of luck, Wesley Snipes only asked for fifty bucks, two hand jobs and a coke. And with that, Snipes landed the role.
For a long time, everything seemed okay. Preproduction was nearing complete and a ridiculous plenitude of buzz and hype was clearly swarming around Hollywood. It seemed as if the marketing and publicity departments had their work cut out for them. That was unitl the day of March 12th, 1990. Nearly two days before shooting was scheduled to begin, the word got out that Wesley Snipes would only fuck the booty holes and lick the pink pussies of white women. Snipes even went on record saying that since doing Spike Lee's film "Jungle Fever", all black pussies reminded him of catfish (That's pretty harsh. I can't believe he said that. I'm never watching another Wesley Snipes movie again...you know...if he ever decides to act in movies again). In his official press statement, he said "once you go white, black women won't even be allowed to view your pipe." Immediately the next day, Al Sharpton had Mr. Snipes assassinated. But it didn't matter. The damaged had already been done the day before when black children were seen on the evening news, burning their Nino Brown action figures.
Once again, the bitter Spike Lee had gotten his vengeful satisfaction...again! A second emergency production meeting was held...again. And this time, things looked even grimmer. Blackman: The Movie was going to be temporarily shelved. Russell Simmons made it very clear that he would not green light the movie a second time...again, until he had a truly physically fit black actor with solid skills in theatrical dramatic acting that could accurately play the protector of the projects and give the character justice. A true role model for the black youth of America.
Finally, after five years of preproduction bureaucratic hiatus, it was announced that Sacha Baron Cohen would play the lead protagonist in black face.
- Blackman was played by three actors. Sacha Baron Cohen was Blackman from movies I-II. Spike Lee eventually played Blackman from movies III-V. And for the final Blackman film, Blackman was played by Alfonso Ribeiro. Most fans agree that Ribeiro was probably the best of all the Blackmans.
Blackman: The Movie[edit | edit source]
On the Fourth of July weekend of 1995, "Blackman: The Movie" was released in Magic Johnson theaters nation-wide. The film held the number one spot on the box office charts for three hours and twelve seconds, breaking the previously held record of twenty-three minutes by Ang Lee's classic motion picture, "Hulk". Considering the fact that Blackman opened on the same week with "Moulin Rouge!" and the ten year rerelease of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", it isn't surprising the Blackman was able to land the #1 spot and break even with approximately $4 million. Most movie-goers praised the exciting and socially relevant plot of Onyx Blarkmon having to subdue an LA Lakers riot. Film critic Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun Times gave the film two thumbs up and a fully erect boner, saying he wished more black people would act like Blackman and the culturally sophisticated Colin Powell. Blackman became an instant cult hit and was followed by five sequels.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Throughout all six Blackman movies, there has been a wonderful collection of supporting characters, leading ladies and villians that, together, compromise a legendary rogues gallery.
Supporting Characters[edit | edit source]
Watermelon Boy[edit | edit source]
“Fuck Robin and Aqualad, for my money, it's Watermel....oh....wow, I don't feel right saying his name.”
Jerome Dick was the son and youngest member of the family rap/hip hop group, The Flyin' Gangstas. While doing a performance at Madison Square Garden during their 2003 tour, a horrific accident occurred that left him an orphan and would haunt Jerome forever. While Jerome's father was doing a bong hit from his mother's booty hole on stage, one of the giant lights from above became loose and fell on top of both Dicks. Later on in the epic saga, we find out that famous Blackman villain Flavor Flav was responsible for killing Watermelon Boy's parents by cutting the suspension ropes with one of the horns on his Viking helmet. Thirsty for revenge and crunk juice, Jerome Dick joined Onyx Blarkmon's quest for justice and became one of Blackman's most trusted shorties.
Originally, the first Blackman movie was going to feature Watermelon Boy, but since Spike Lee held the rights to the character, he couldn't be used. It wasn't until "Blackman III: 99 Problems And A Bitch Death Is One", when Russell Simmons was replaced by Joel Schumacher as producer that Spike Lee was finally able to take the director's chair and the Blackman costume to wear, that he felt safe enough to use this complex and mesmerizing character. Thus we are first introduced to Blackman's official sidekick for the first time in this movie...for the first time anywhere. In the movie, White Ghost (who escaped from jail in the previous film) takes away all the gub'ment cheese from the projects and tries to use it for the revival of Blackula. When Jerome, now under his new red moniker, finds out about Flavor Flav's off-da-hook partnership with White Ghost, he teams up with Blackman and sets out on a quest of non-consensual fudge packing and name taking.
- Watermelon Boy was played by Damon Wayans in the films. In the television series, he is played by Emmanuel Lewis.
Commissioner Shaft[edit | edit source]
John Shaft is the police commissioner in the city of Compton in California, which is strange because Blackman mostly patrols exclusively in the city of Inglewood. But, whatever. Somehow they make the long-distance relationship work. During the Watts riots of 1965, rookie police sergeant John Shaft first met 5 year old Onyx Blarkmon after shooting the racist sheriff that killed his guardian grandmother. Some 20 years later during the 1992 Rodney King riots, the two men would meet again in their first historic team up and restore order to Los Angeles. This time, Shaft was a lieutenant detective sergeant in the police force and Onyx Blarkmon was in a corny yellow unitard and black cape as Blackman. Unfortunately for Blackman, Shaft recognized him immediately as Onyx Blarkmon. This resulted in Blarkmon wearing his trademark glasses™ from that point on.
Commissioner Shaft was first introduced to us in the first Blackman movie, which was the first film of the Blackman movie franchise. According to director John Singleton, Shaft is the voice of reason in the Blackman films. But if Blackman ever got out of line, Shaft would beat that nigga down like a plantation owner. This is different from Spike Lee's interpretation of the character, who is only suppose to switch on the Black Signal when serious shit starts happening.
- Commissioner Shaft was played by Richard Roundtree and he fucking hated that camera whoring mother fucker, Spike Lee.
Villians[edit | edit source]
The Cocaine King[edit | edit source]
This bitch mother fucker is the arch enemy of blackman in the first movie, having hired the villainous Snowman to assissinate Onyx Blarkmon`s grandmother twenty yours prior when she refused to buy the semen he was selling. eventully defeated by blackman and sent to the ghettos to work.
- The Cocaine King was usually played by R&B singer, Sisqó. The only exception was in "Blackman V: Puff, Puff, Give....For Tomorrow" where he was played by Pam Grier.
George W. Bush[edit | edit source]
This evil honky always be stealing Blackman's welfare check and lowering minimum wage. In "Blackman Returns", George Bush tried to flood South Central by breaking the levees to the Colorado River, and then making a press statement mentioning that fixing Senator Trent Lott's house was his top priority. he is killed by blackman after raping bill clintons wife.
- George Bush only appeared in the film series once and was played by Timothy Bottoms...who appeared only once.
Alf[edit | edit source]
Reports for the next Blackman movie might be Alf, rumors have been spreading that Alf will be the villian in Blackman Powar. Alf is said to hold the power of lemonade, and that he'll rape Blackman's wife in the sequel.
Movie Franchise Relaunch[edit | edit source]
In May of 2006, Warner Bros. formerly known as Warner Bruthas (as in: "If you see the police, Warn A Brutha!") made an official press announcement that they were going to remake Blackman and reboot the franchise altogether. A preliminary release date was given for the summer of 2009. Michael Eisner announced in November of 2007 that the rumors claiming Shaquille O'Neal was going to be the new Blackman were all true. It has also been confirmed that Richard Roundtree will not be returning as Commissioner Shaft and that Damon Wayans may also not be reprising his role as the lovable sidekick, as he is still in negotiations to renew his contract. No word yet as to who the villain will be or what actor will be playing him. There were rumors circulating at one point that Heath Ledger had signed on to play Blackman's old nemesis Blackenstein, but this is now unlikely due to Ledger having been murdered by Courtney Love. Preproduction is set to begin during the fall of 2008 with filming to start shooting in late December. This information is subject to change as new developments come in.
List of Feature Films[edit | edit source]
| Movie | Release date |
|---|---|
| I. Blackman: The Movie | July 3rd, 1995 |
| II. Blackman Returns | June 16, 1998 |
| III. Blackman III: 99 Problems And A Bitch Death Is One | May 19, 1982 |
| IV. Blackman IV: Blackman versus White Mama | March 25, 2004 |
| V. Blackman V: Puff, Puff, Give....For Tomorrow | April 14, 2006 |
| VI. Blackman VI: Blackman meets Godzilla, but versus King Kong | July 4, 2007 |
| VII. Blackman VII: Blackman meets the Harlem Globetrotters | August 15, 2008 |
| Blackman Powar | June 14, 2009 |
| Blackman IX: Black in da hood | July 27, 2010 |
| Blackman Begins | June 10, 2011 |
| The Black Knight | May 16 2012 |
Powers[edit | edit source]
Like any good superhero, Blackman has the following powers:
- Super blackness
- Super Strength
- Invulnerability towards everything except white women
- Flight
- Girl Fuckin'!
- Super Speed
- Heightened Senses
- Telekinesis
- Energy Blasts
- Jumping higher than fellow white super heroes
- Booty Sense (like Spider-Man's spider sense: same idea, different concept.)
- The powah of an enormous penis
- The powah to be at yo momma's without u noticin biatch!
- The powah to wear paints below his ass and still be able to walk
