1000 AD - 1699 AD

This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.

Represented here are the time periods from 1000AD to 1699AD.

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1000-1025

1000

• Spam is invented. This gives n00bs another chance at survival, but they waste it all on spam and trolling.

The butchers invented these.

• World is finally defeated by some guy with a sharp stick.
• Someone sniffs.
• Still not over 9,000.
• Y1K happens, but since there are no computers(or even electricity) nothing happens.
• Cardboard becomes the national currency of Finland.
• In a Galaxy Far Far away, people are watching credits slowly rolling down a screen
• Number 100 and 0 get married.
• Chuck Norris kills his twin brother in the womb, which is weird because he was never born, he was just always there. Mysterys!
• Doctor sues declares worldwide outrage and kisses his mother on the toe.
• A great light is seen over Mount Sinai, Moses one of God's best friends goes for a forty-year walk with his sheep/people, (that's right sheep people) and eventually stumbles across the Holy AK-47. The AK is born, and will henceforth be a common component in revolution and all sorts of chaos across the globe.

1001

• The phrase "your mom is on my penis" is used globally.
• The second millennium officially begins.
• YouTube becomes popular with over 13,000,000 people.
• The average life span at the time is -3.
• Vikings become the first Europeans to land in North America.
• A new carpet cleaner is invented and named after the current year.
• The first alien invasion. Zeus is blamed.

1002

• The many country's different solar positions force the length of a year to be shortened from thirteen to twelve months, Dr.Demento was the first person too notice this and he helped easer connection between the many different planets.
• The Fartbox becomes Uncool. Damn it.

100pi

• Pi is invented.
• Pie is invented.

1004

• This Guy creates the Irish, a nation groans.
• The last native speaker of Cuneiform dies at age 37.
• your mom invents shit.

1005

• 1005 is a year that will stand forever as a turning point in history. Although absolutely nothing was invented that year - and in fact, no scientific progress was made whatsoever - the year is still notable for the following events:

Shit!!

• The Gregorian Monk John of Gascogne spent the entire year drawing an exquisite capital letter "A", which was the first letter of the first page of the bible he was copying. Then, on December 31, he spilled his ink pot over the letter and had to start over. He died of insanity shortly thereafter.
• Half the known world's population died of the plague. The other half was killed during various wars, or was burned alive by the inquisition.
• King Arthur's quest for the Holy Grail was cut short when his army was slaughtered by a mysterious rodent, reported to resemble a rabbit.
• The first episode of Ye Bolde and ye Beautifulle was performed by the Wenstminster Soap Troupe. The audience was bored to death and had the performers executed. It would take over 900 years before anyone dared to perform it again.

1007

• Mt. Vesuvius had a huge orgasm again NOTE: Some scientists are currently debating on whether Mt. Vesuvius had one huge orgasms or multiple orgasms in over 9,000 places again and again and again.

1008

• Olof!, mighty king of Sweden is baptized but then later realizes that he is not religious.
  • The Purge of the Unpure occurs in medieval Europe, from this the French population decreases by 99.9% -/ 0.1%

1009

Lithuania has been found. Unluckily. Lithuanians killed one dude that tried to sell them yoghurt which expiration date, was, well, over.

1010

• Binary is declared the official language of Feudal Japan.

1012

• Predicting the future is officially banned Everywhere except Kenya.
• Visual Basic is invented.

10 and unknown

• Strange man in blue box known only as Physician, along with his Nubian concubine, slain by rampaging band of drunken sports enthusiasts. Blue box never seen again.
• Orange box mysteriously emerges.
• Gullible removed from dictionary.
• "Hey wait a second, I'm looking at a dictionary right here, it wasn't removed from the dictionary"

1013

• Kittens are starting to get huffed, but a national shortage of Pussies is stopping that.
• Your Mum abandons you on the street. Well, if you were alive then. But now you are, now get of your house!
• Satan learns the dark arts of 1337. He summons the 'brb' and the 'lol'

1014

• Shit becomes the official currency of Poland
• Jesus figures out 1337 speak. Using the hat of 1337ness he b3g1ns t0 5p34k l1k3 7h1s. S4t4n 15 0v3rwh3lm3d b7 j3su5es aw3s0m3n355.
• Mr. T eats his first pie, and creates the Buddha to eat it with him.
• Two days later, the Buddha dies

1015

• t43 1337 w4r5 c4rr13 0n. S4t4n 1s w1nn1n6.
• Some war happens. Maybe some guy was killed or something. I dunno.
• Aliens carry on invading. Zeus can't do anything about it.

1016

• 4l1ens 1nv4d3 7h3 3ar7h. j3sus 4nd s4t4n s4v3 th3 w0r1d.
• Buddha is reincarnated, and eats some pie
• In Poland the shit asplodes and kills everyone in Poland, a total of 0.5 casualties

1017

• The 1337 wars end. Finally people can stop typing like: brb and n00b or w455up?
• Spam is destroyed.

1018

• Dab spellin strks th cuntree. Pepl r hrt dably. Gdo cnant sve tem.
• Ta laest tey rnt spkng lk tis: y0 w455up m4n r u r34dy!!!!11one!!111
• Godo point mna

1019

• Teh kang impses a strct regme f Dictin Are, nd son teh people are back to normal.

1020

• Something happened, but nobody cares.

1050-1075

1064

• 1064, May 4 - Theodor Herzl, inventor of the Hebrew language, is born in Babylon.
• 1064 July 2 - Sir Fredrik Thompsonialainen win in the Freelant-island's revolution.
• 1064 July 8 - The CRAP nebula exploded as a "supernova" seen around the world's northern hemisphere. A harbinger of doom, the Anglo-Saxons knew some shit was up to come in like two years to change their world forever.
• 1064, August 12 - Your mother is born.

1066

The year before the year after 1066.

King Harold, pwn3d by William

1066 was the year that England won the world cup for the first time in history. Scientists put this down to sun spots.

1066 was a banner year for France, with home town favorite William, Duke of Normandy earning his nickname of "the Conqueror" by beating 32 opponents at "War Craft -XII: The Conquering" in a battle.net tourney. First prize was England. This was notable because the French actually won something, although the winners were really Vikings posing as French (Who were actually Normans all along and were claimed to be French (by some Paris snobs) after England Pissed them off at agincourt!).

• Chimbinha kills Joe Petrucci and his horde of evil monkeys with his guitar solo.
• Dysentery and Plague had best-selling albums that year, and Famine played to sold-out crowds in Central Europe well into the following spring.
• The Battle of Stamford Bridge takes place on Jaysbane Bridge in Scotland. Jaysbane Bridge was later renamed Stamford Bridge in honor of the battle.
• The letter W entered beta testing in Paris.
• The City of Morley seceded from the UK in protest at "being run by a bunch of bloody foreigners".
• Nun-Bunting banned by the Catholic Church.
• The Bayeux (also known as the 'It's OK by me if it's OK Bayeux') Tapestry (commissioned by Bishop Frodo) illustrated these occurrences, as well as predicting the accession of William with the permission of Harold and the Purple Crayon.
• Bowling was invented.
• Bowling was banned. (Reversed in 1638)
• The Battle of Hastings took place. It got its name from the popular insurance company.
• The Cha Cha Slide was temporarily outlawed during the Battle of Hastings. While the English performed the dance when they defeated the Normans, the ban was never officially repealed.
• McCains Oven Chips declared hazardous to the health of cats.
• Mr. Flibble published his breakthrough novel Universe.
• Sylvester the Cat gave birth to Abba one-man tribute band Neil Morgan
• Harold II tries his hand at writing with Ae Liste of Words of Onne Letter Begynning With A, but the results are a bit cockeyed
• Sometime in October - Something happened, but I'm not quite sure what.
• Something happened and some people was like WHOA it happened.

1067

The year after 1066.

• Characterized by the frantic efforts of the population to learn French, following William the Conkerer's decisive victory over King "Don't be ridiculous, they can't shoot arrows this far!" Harold.
• Xbox live is created.

1100-1125

1101

• Toasters are invented.

1111

• This year goes rogue and travels throughout time as its own entity, trapping and collecting insane people.
• Most people just wait until 1112.

1112

• A toaster humps your mother
• People find themselves wondering what went on in 1111.

1121

• Jesus is actually crucified. Jews are furious about loss of king.
• World of Warcraft almost took over.

1125-1199

1129

• World of Warcraft takes over.

1130

• the king of awesomeness takes over the world.

1140

• Europe still not yet a great civilization.
• Goku's power level exceeds 9,000.

1198

• Whoopsie becomes queen of Palau.

1200-1225

1204

• May 16 - Baldwin IX, Count of Flanders is crowned first Emperor of the Roman Catholic Church. He declares that all people from Flanders must be named Ned and say things like "Howdy Ho Neighborino", and "Okely-dokley".
• Crusaders seize Constantinople from Greeks by playing a violent "knock knock" joke.
• The Crusades are over, its about time.

1209

• The Internet wars occur, Bob Dole declared "King of the Internet".
• Nomadic tribes invented the condom.

1215

• King John decides to vacation in his summer home in Runnymede. Dismisses his Lord High Chamberlain's request that he take guards, after all, "What's the worst that could happen?".
• King John pisses on a peasant woman named Maggie Carta prompting outraged nobleman (who had wanted to rape her first) to force him to sign a document named after her. Amongst other things, it outlawed "pissing on peasants".

1219

The Flag of Denmark

• 1219AD, June 15 - On this day Estonian spice merchants made their way from the Silk Road through Very Northern Germany to sell Denmark its flag, which had been lovingly made in Estonia from a few painted bricks. It was purchased for two beers by Danish King Valdemar II, who, it was said, had a certain penchant for Estonian beer.

1220

• The Dark Ages are briefly illuminated by a massive explosion in Syria on April 4.
• King Wossisname of Saxony declares the Fifth Crusade. Hundreds of thousands of troop off to the Holy Land only to find Jerusalem closed for maintenance, so they all go home again.

1225-1250

1239

• After sticking a number of small flute-like instruments into a cow stomach, a caber-tossing Highlander plays the first bagpipe melody in a true defining moment of Scottish heritage.

1240

• The new expansion of World of Warcraft has just been released, World chaos.

1250-1275

1253

• July 6 - Grand Duke Mindaugas is crowned King of Lithuania in the Cathedral of Vilnius.
• Winter - The Talullattay aliens arrive from planet Trimlor. A young Mexican woman named Emuda welcomes them into her home. They stay with her for many months and they are keen to know all about Emuda and her life in Mexico. She is force- fed grapes by BrumBru the highest in command, as the aliens wrongly believe the grapes to have mystical powers. Temilux sits with Emuda and tells her stories of wonder, tales about colonies of intelligent swirling bubbles that co-exist with floating goat-birds. Emuda doesn't understand the relevance this has to her situation. This annoys Temilux greatly because he had believed Emuda would be extremely impressed. It becomes a little awkward in the room so the aliens quietly leave.

1256

April 1 - Due to a freak twist of space time, the year 1256 happens again. People are ready for their light bulbs to eject this time, but also notice the previously unseen shortage of wheat.

1264

• People just basically had a really good time getting to know each other. Strangers would pass on the street and shake hands. The women would hug and dogs mated with a quiet enthusiasm unparalleled in any era before or since.

1271

• February 31 - Emperor Khan Noonien Singh steals the Book of Genesis from the Bible, and replaces it with a bunch of silly myths.
• July -6 - Young French peasant Napoleon Bonaparte accidentally invents time travel, finds himself in Corsica.
• August 723 - Giant mutant hamsters devour the rogue super continent of Gondwanaland.
• Smarch 2πi - The Church sacks the entire Department of Chronology for gross ineptitude, causing all Europe to sink deeper into the Dark Ages.

1274

• Crumpet is invented by Albert the Great whilst hiding in a bakery

1275-1300

1275

• The French tactic "re'treate" is effectively executed on the battlefield for the first time. The French government is amazed by the outstandingly low numbers of field casualties. As a result, this tactic will continue to dominate French military strategy for the next two Eternities.

1284

• The Pied Piper lures 130 children of Hamelin away. Piping Hot Pies are soon outlawed.

1287

• Baconium is born.
• Geisenheim was founded by Russian pirates.

1289

• There was a gas shortage, and a flock of seagulls. That's about it.

1293

• November 16 - This day came immediately after January 3. Fierce battles still rage in the halls of academia as to whether this was meant to re-align the celestial calendar, or simply because King Socrates wanted to raise himself above the legal drinking age. If you venture into the halls of academia, be sure to wear a helmet and kneepads.

1300-1325

1302

• The burning of Witches becomes a favorite past-time throughout many European Nations.
• The first man was born, followed by cheesecake.
• The penis got it's name.

1325-1350

1312

• The Knights Templar disband and sail to Antarctica, they evolve into penguins, a much higher life form than medieval Europeans.
• Kellogs frosted flakes invented in Hungary only to be consumed by its new king Louis I of Hungary, again.
• This year appears after 1325 due to the destruction of all things, ever, and was recreated thirteen years late thus fitting into the 1325-1350 section.
• King Arthur finds the Holy Grail. He is disappointed that it is only a cup.

1332

• July 2 - the Dodge ball Massacre of 1332 occurs.

1335

• June 7 - The bus stop was invented in Hailsham, East Sussex.
• November 11 - Sweden was built by evil pixies from chocotopia.
• Norway is created to spite Sweden
• Brock caught his first geodude.

1336

• 1335 Comes a year late and confuses everyone with the numerical progression of 1334, 1336, 1335
• The bus stop was banned
• December 31 - The race of dodos become extinct, however many theorists believe that if you were to take a dodo into the year of 1337, the race would repopulate.

1337

• The Great ESPN drought was felt substantially throughout the world.
• The Ninja Pirate War begins. This War will conclude at the end of the end of the universe.
• Queen Nefertiti of Egypt vanishes from the historical record. Presumed to be curb stomped to death by Samuel L Jackson and Chuck Norris. Although new evidence suggests that she lost a staring competition against a lolcat and was thus forced into exile and currently in LA under a new identity
• Teh f1rst 1337s n00bs start to arrive in Teh Interwebz
• Bacon is invented.

1346-1348

• Scotland experiences it's first Summer day without rain or snow. The government advises everyone to stay indoors.
• Fred Phelps comes out of the closet.

1349

• The Black Metal plague enters Norway

1350-1375

1373

George "Bernard" Shaw in action.

• English poet Sir Didwood Vadergrarn dies at the age of 83.
• Teh start of the dyslexic 1337 era.
• The year when typos became 1337.

the year aimee edited things

1375-1400

1380

• The Great Person War took place around this year and was won by that person.

1387

• Fifty years after its outbreak, the 100 Years War comes to a close, resulting in the complete annexation of France by the King of England.

1389

• Cheese is invented, this causes many riots, and cows protest. The cow protest eventually turns into an entire farmyard animal brawl, thus cheese is banned in several countries, until the Great Dairy War of 1477
• The Dark Ages Finally end when somebody flicks the Light switch to ON!

1396

• Said to be the birth year of the legendary wizard "Peter Nolan", no official birth was ever recorded however legend says the wizard still walks among us.

1400-1425

1408

• A hotel room that Stephen King stayed in and wrote a book about. The book was later adapted into a movie starring John Cusack (Yes I'm sure it's John and not Joan). If you want to stay in room 1408, just go to any hotel and tell them you want to stay in room 1408 (provided they have numbers that high).

1412 Karl von Beerstein of Germany becomes an instant billionaire after he begins selling mugs of fermented piss to thirsty Germans at a side walk stand. The famous drink is named after him in his Honor.

1423 The world's first living fetus is born. Scientists speculate it was actually a baby.

1425-1450

1433

• This was the year David Dickinson was invented by students due the lack of Countdown and Richard Whitely.
• If that wasn't enough, Fandango the Narc ratted out his brother to the DEA, making it necessary for him to invent some kind of medieval witness protection plan to place himself in.
• Words are invented.
• Australia was invented. There is much celebration until they find that it is just a big desert.

1450-1475

1453

• Turkish ter'rists bomb Constantinople and rename it Konstantiniyye. Basileus George II Bush condemns the actions of the "satanic doers" and arranges an invasion of Morocco.
• The Catholic Church excommunicates naughty bits after they are used by Copernicus during a protest against Pope Nicholas V.
• May 31 - The Hundred Years War is taken to a penalty shoot-out after there is no winner after 16 years of extra-time. France score a goal in over time thanks to striker Dominique de Villepin, however England struck back through Quarter-back Oscar Wilde.
• May 32 - Germany win the Hundred Years War after a penalty shoot-out. However the result of this match is still disputed, as some people claim that Germany wasn't in the Hundred Years War. But they are silly.
• Australia leads a 45-year war with Japan only ending in total destruction of Australia. When the President of Australia was reached and asked how did this happen, he responded with "fuck Damn."

1454

• Sprinting becomes incredibly popular. People begin to sprint needlessly.
• King Edmundo of Wales whom throughout his life had been found to believe absolutely everything he was told no matter how far-fetched. Had become the nations plaything and eventually committed suicide at the age of 60. It is strongly believed that he was actually tricked into it by his mother.
• A war happened.

1475-1500

1477

• Great Dairy War takes place, many cows are slaughtered, some are killed, others murdered. Some cows even had their lives taken away.

1480

• December 7 - Pier Gerlofs Donia is born in Frisia, in his mothers vagina.
• December 29 - The first leap year was invented.

1484

The mighty Dutch Edgar wizard. "Nice glasses, Ed." Monsoon said.

• January - Dutch footballing wizard Edgar Helen Davids is born. Timmy Monsoon is furious.
• August - Ingsoc founded.

1490

• April 10 - Juan Ponce de Leon discovers the Fountain of Youth in Florida, shrugs and sets up a retirement community around it.
• December 25 - People decide not to celebrate Christmas because of a shortage of gift wrap.
• December 28 - Supplies of gift wrap come from Antarctica and Christmas is celebrated, late.

1492

• Christopher Columbus sails west to India, discovering a new route for the drug spice trade.
• Christopher Columbus sails farther west and falls off the side of the world after jousting with the Mickey Mouse Club.
• Columbus renames the Atlantic Ocean the Ocean Blue
• Columbus then wins the EFL championship coaching the Spanish Armada.
• Native Americans of the Carolina Nation begin development of a nuclear submarine after seeing how Columbus treated their primitive counterparts in the Bahamas.
• The FBI is created to combat the alien menace.

1494

• The first pilgrims begin to set sail for the New World, but are sunk by German U-boats.

The Reconquista

Often overshadowed by Columbus' "achievement" in the same year (in reality a legal battle had been going on since 1490 over the rights to the "discovery" of the new world between Columbus and Amerigo Vespucci the Spanish remember 1492 as the year the Reconquista ended and the last Moor was driven from the good Christian soil that is Iberia. In this year the last Moorish Sultan, Muhammad XII, surrendered Granada to Ferdinand and Isabella of Castile and quietly withdrew his people to Africa.

Little did Muhammad know, the Spanish have very little respect for diplomacy and peace and his "cowardly" act soon made him the laughing-stock of all Spain. This resulted in the people of Spain dropping the use of "YO MAMA!" to justify humorless statements and replacing it with "YO SULTAN!"

The Portuguese chronicler Luis de Camões also records in his work Os Lusiadas a scene in this year where Paulo da Gama responds "That's what Muhammad said!" when asked a question by Vasco da Gama.

January 1521 issue of People Magazine. Like today's glossies, the earliest magazines were a forum for theological debate, scientific information and weight-loss plans.

1495

• The first magazine in history is created by Johann Gutenberg, when he accidentally dropped 50 pounds of molten wax, a bucket of whore makeup, and several live kittens into the feeding mechanism of his most powerful printing press. The resulting mess was immediately declared the work of demons and burned by Pope Inconspicuous XXXVII (who secretly made off with one un-burnt copy for his private enjoyment), which set back the Renaissance for many centuries.
• June 28 - Unimpressed by Christopher Columbus' attempt to reach the Far East by sailing west, navigator Ernesto de Borgnine attempts to reach the Americas by sailing East. His ship crashes into the Cadiz docks thirty seconds into his journey.
• June 31 - To further humiliate Christopher Columbus and his Old Navy, Juan Valdez] invented the New Navy.
• September - The common cold kills 5 million Native Americans.

1497

• May 10 - Amerigo Vespucci invents the scooter.
• July 8 - a Jew takes Vasco da Gama to work.

1500-1525

1504

• Michelangelo's David is indecently exposed to the naked world.

1512

• May 10 - The Male German Eruct Choir is founded by Johann Sebastian Mastropiero.
• May 12 - Trees are first discovered by Felix Gonzalez de Sanchez in Bilbao, Spain.
• May 15 - First Running of the Bulls held in El Chicago, Spain. Michael Jordan gores two unlucky fans and Dennis Rodman is destroyed after breaking a leg. Ernest Hemingway is trampled in his ringside seat.

1514

• The Žalgiris Battle takes place as united Lithuania and France forces defeated the combined forces of the Teutonic Order and the Indigenous American Natives.

1517

• Bloody Martin Luther spreads the protestant reformation and is executed with extreme prejudice by Pope Leo X.

1521

• January 28-May 25 - A general assembly, presided by Emperor Charles V, consisting of the various estates of the Holy Roman Empire takes place in Worms, Germany. Several issues are resolved during the conference including the addressing of Martin Luther and the effects on the Protestant Reformation.
• April 17 - Martin Luther promotes his Diet of Worms eating plan. After refusing to recant, he is excommunicated by Pope Leo X.
• July 26 - Famed prophet Nostradamus predicts that the King of England will have an affair and take the Queen of France as his mistress.
• The Tenochitlan Jaguars, one of the original franchises of the MLB since 1492, are removed from the MLB.
• Pedro de Mendoza has a vision of the Virgin Mary whilst in the bath.
• Amy Winehouse travels back in time to discover the world's first cocaine plantation.
• Still no doublebreasted suits on records however tapes are sporting them lively by now.

1525-1550

1525

• The year 1525 was found to contain a bug as with all Microsoft products. If anything happened in this year it is to be returned to the manufacturer for a full refund (tax deductible). Most events on this year were reissued under the year '1525 v2.0'
• September 25: Lutherans conquer the Holy Roman Empire while chanting "Cuius regio, eius religio."
• The Knights of Ni get destroyed by a mysterious rodent... that was hiding in the shrubbery( insert dramatic music)

1549

The Australian Aborigine pig-riding committee decides that they want to take their business a bit further, especially in riding your mom

1575-1600

1581

• April 4 - Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 ft clipper.
• April 5 - Sir Francis Drake the 2nd circumvented the world with a 100 ft spaceship and ended up on Mars.
• June 18 - Philosophers believed they have discovered that 1581 is 1851 backwards.
• September 1 - Sir Francis Drake is called a liar by the Flat Earth society, a.k.a. the Catholic Church.

October 5, 1582 to October 15, 1582

Time disappears, courtesy of Pope Gregory the Great. Some theorize that God took a ten-day vacation in the Bahamas.

1589

• Hickadilly Hill is founded by Spanish Missionaries, who name it after rednecks and Dairy Queen.

1590

• Birth of Henswick Wallenfraüde

1592

• March 14 - International Pi Day is celebrated; bakers rejoice.
• March 15 - International Pi Day is Renamed to IP day.

1599

1599 is known as the year so completely useless that nobody except me (a person with a great lack of imagination) would say something about this year. Lord Alvin Redund, a Lord famous for inventing Redundancy, was born on June 3 of this year, thus making it his birth year. Thus, his birth year is 1599, the year he was born in, making it Lord Redund's birth year when he was born on June 3. Lord Alvin Redund, a Lord famous for inventing Redundancy, was born on June 3 of this year, thus making it his birth year. Thus, his birth year is 1599, the year he was born in, making it Lord Redund's birth year when he was born on June 3.

1600-1625

Strom Thurmond upon re-election to his 50th term.

1600

• 1,600 years since Jesus's birth!
• 1600 was a leap year, but not 1700, 1800 or 1900. Uh huh. Very interesting.
• Banjo Land is declared free from Indian rule.
• Sir Francis Bacon invents Bacon.

1601

• Strom Thurmond is born.

1602

• March 13 - The first dish of what would become a staple of the English diet, [Fish & Chips], is served in a small pub in London. Though at this stage, cat was served instead of Fish.
• Plans for the return of 1600 scrapped.

1603

• Slavery is invented shortly after King Charles VI of England discovered he could make black people do white-people work for free.

1609

• Galileo releases his hit single "Rubber Bonker". The song went straight to number 1 in the charts and was chosen as that year's Eurovision Song Contest entry for Italy. It lost to the poptastic "Greensleeves".
• The Mayweed sailed from Haddenham, England for the New World, the forty-two day voyage bringing hardship and death to many.

1610

January 18 - God divinely inspires Sidney Trammell; Trammell doesn't notice for another two years.

1611

• In Lancashire, England, the martial art of Ecky-Thump begins in response to the need for townsfolk to defend themselves against the witches who live in Pendle Forest. The men of the town attack the witches by striking them with large Lancastrian sausages, which leads to the saying "bigger is better."
• The Lancashire wives learn that the witches welcomed their husbands and their large sausages. Therefore, King James I of England authorizes an improved weapon now known as the King James Bible.
• Satan spawns Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher.

1612

• April 15 - Sidney Trammell, in the midst of a bad day, has a revelation that leads to the foundation of a new faith.

1613

January 14 - Henry Carver, a resident of London, England, supposedly digs up the ancient granite tablets containing the Ten General Commandments of All Humanity from beneath a cricket pitch near his home, and the stone ledgers soon become the cornerstone for the aforementioned new faith. Sound familiar?

1620

The genocide of the Native Americans begins, as well as the Atlantic Slave Trade being joined to North America, in order for the USA to become a country, there fore Anti-Americanism begins.

1623

• Isaac Newton creates rainbows accidentally, and starts the process which will inevitably kill us all.

1625-1650

1625

• Well known physicist Galileo died and was reincarnated as Isaac Newton.
• Well known physicist Isaac Newton is born, Galileo's widow is oddly not ecstatic.
• Sir Francis Chemistry invents chemistry, along with stockings for men, bikini waxing and the electric centipede.

• John Kerry grows a 4th chin.

1627

• May 9 - Edict passed in Switzerland requiring all lawyers to deliver evidence by yodelling.
• 10,000,000 people die in the Tânmawr in the Welsh city of Llewellyn when an inexperienced plumber tried to fit the world's first gas boiler.

1630

• January 5 - The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent forces Nicolaus Stuart to recant his heretical belief that God fucked up and made Jesus fall in the bathtub.
• After several experiments, Galilieo announces that he's discovered the penis. His book, "Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief Testes" is the first time he runs into trouble with the Church and sets the stage for the later, , uh, misunderstanding.
• End of Diponegoro war that begin in 1625 to 1630, how could there be a war in just five minutes? Those Indonesian people must be crazy.

1631

• Isaac Newton gathers together some fellow scientists for a friendly game of tiddlywinks after being refused entry to world apple eating championships, due to "propensity to form heretical conclusions after apple-related incidents."

1634

• The first real battle of the French and Indian War.
• A community of pineapples reaches the surface through radio waves.
• They are soon all eaten by vicious fruit bats.
• The word "gullible" returned to the dictionary.

1642

• The people of Easter Island begin using trees in the movement and decoration of their statues.
• Charles I, King of England tells Parliament to "go fucketh itself"; the English Civil War begins.
• Abel Tasman discovers New Zealand, discovers that it had already been discovered by the Maori people, who find his Dutch crew a particular delicacy; he was lucky to leave with most of his left arm.

1648

• Seventy Seven Year War between the Spanish Habsburgs and the Netherlands ends. (That's about it, Everyone else seemed to be waiting for Harvey)
• June 15 - Treaty Of Westphalia chosen over Treaty of Eastphalia.
• June 16 - Eastphalia changes name from Eastphalia to Phalia (note: which has since evolved into YouFailure)
• June 17 - Westphalia changes its name from Westphalia to that of Neener-Neener-Neener!!!

1649

Charles I of England is executed for treachery and excessive foppishness. Earl Robert Lewellyn-Bowen immediately cuts all his hair.

1650-1675

1652

• The great Crunchberry Famine starts.
• Pro basketbaler Shaquille O'Neil is born to a white, Irish famaly

1653

• Oliver Cromwell becomes Lord Protector of England, gets free ermine robe, orb and extra wart.

1660

• The monarchy is restored in England. Yeah, thanks a fucking lot George Monck.
• The number 1660 is made illegal for eight months. During that time, this year was known as FRANK.

1664

This year is also known in China as the Year of the Famous Moose.

• Wheatabix is invented by Baron Heindrich von Kelloggs. It is later believed to be one of the major causes of the Black Plague.
• The Londrés Football Club is officially founded becoming the first all-French team of the Football Association to play in the English Premiership.
• 1664 is generally a bad year (unless for beer allegedly); don't time travel back here, ever. Seriously. Don't. I mean it. Really.

1666

• Lucifer invented Junk.
• Birth of Medusa.
• September 2 - Thomas Farynor, a baker to King Charles II of England invents s'mores. The popular recipe soon sweeps across London, killed two people and ended the Bird Flu Plague. S'mores are recalled a week after the Great Recipe of London.
• The 1,000th birthday of Satan.
• The lesser known "Good Fire of London" started by penguins in an attempt to destroy human civilization and take over Earth.
• Ganon is born in a cabin made of Octarok bones

Great Fire of London

WHEY!!!

1671

• Norwegia declares independence from Norway.
• God invents First Black Joke.
• Bill Cosby arrives from his time travelling adventure, and fistfights god for being racist. Winner is undecided.

1675-1700

1683

• The year the word 'fart' was coined by a French maid. Matilda de Rochambeau, servant to King Nimre II was fluffing the royal pillows while walking around the room looking for areas to clean. She tripped over a small statue that had fallen on the floor and pronounced 'f'art'! at that very same moment the king who was sitting in the corner reading quietly let out a massive gaseous explosion! The king, not knowing any better, thought he had learned a new word from the maid and continued to use it in reference when appropriate.
• Rye House Plot - conspirators discovered to be hatching a plot to assassinate King Charles II of England and his brother James. King's illegitimate son the Duke of Monmouth involved; "what a bastard!" says the King who exiles him to the Netherlands. Plot leader declaims "I would have got away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids".

1685

• King Charles II of England dies. Incredibly, not of VD.
• Monmouth Rebellion - King Charles II's aforementioned "bastard" son attempts to overthrow the new King James II and have himself made King. Rebellion defeated and Monmouth executed. "Our line will rule forever!" says James II, stroking his white cat and laughing.
• Gravy is discovered.

1688

• 'Glorious Revolution' in England. James II overthrown and forced into exile, many supporters of the old regime sent to the Tower. William of Orange invited to be King instead. First "Orange March" takes place when Dutch troops march off their ships and into London to "rough up" Tory Jacobites.

1691

• Medusa starts yodelling.
• First human brain discovered.
• Human brain lost due to the wonders of marijuana.
• Spiders create a super intelligent utopia
• The Salem Bitch trials when every butch, lesbian and transgendered woman was accused of "witchcraft" and killed in Salem, Massachusetts.
• "Throw The Jew Down The Well" tops charts in Guam and several other small countries.

1692

• Nothing worth noting happened in the year 1692, unless you want to hear about some guy eating pizza. See year 1420.
• Salem Witchcraft Trials occur. Several real witches found.

1694

• Lancaster university is founded
• Linguist Terry Bogard invents the Engrish dialect.
• Were-hamster trophy invented.
• Gullible banned from ceilings worldwide.
• Spider utopia is destroyed because the first time traveller Bill Clinton spreads HIV though the collective.

1696

• Several wags note the two middle numbers, have themselves a good chuckle, then die of syphilis.
• Buses invented.
• Small dogs learn to fly.
• The entire nation of Latveria successfully transports itself into another universe.
• Landfills invented, several days later the first dead 'wiseguy' shows up in one.
• South American law enforcement officer Titelli Chirez releases a booklet detailing advancements in major crime scene investigation techniques. Unfortunately a small typo causes people to dampen all light sources instead of turning them up in order to actually see things.
• Gullible is removed from the dictionary. Again.
• An unnamed man receives a vision from Freddy Krueger the Forty-Third (and a half) which prompts him to invent dreams.
• The real WWI ends. Hitler is furious.

1698

• The English have successfully filled every corner of the world with spam and so Germany decides to go to war on them for the German can not stand spam and Britain defeats them leaving the world full of spam again, people were mad at Germany but no one knew they were trying to save us....

SHIT!!!

1699

• This year was brought to you by the letter "P".
• Sickhead Dance Parties ensued

• Africans create the sexual position 69. Something this dirty had to be from their kind.

1700

• On the 12 of December 400 Swedish ninjas and their ninjamaster Jonas Svensson infiltrates the American government and takes over the entire continent.
• 30 of December has the ninjas achieved world domination and the entire world is named Sweden.