Chapter Text
It was unnerving, the stillness of the wall inside the Ark's prison Clarke was staring at. It was burnt at the edges, stitched together with scraps from other parts of the ship welded together. Few branches were peeking inside through the hole in the wall that was now a window with metal bars. She spent quite a few months in a room very similar to this. Back then, Clarke Griffin wasn't shaking, though, she wasn't raging, and here fingers weren't covered in very black blood.
Back then, Clarke Griffin was lonely, crying herself to sleep, haunted by the loss of her father. She was younger, much younger when she was painting her cell with blurred vision and skinny hands, decorating them with pictures of the endless trees providing her a hideaway, water splashing her sweaty skin, and mountains, spreading out into nothingness. She could almost smell the fresh air, hear the flowing water, feel the touch of the sun on her skin. Back then, she couldn't put any real sensation to the things she draw. She couldn't know that air smells differently during every season, that every flowers bears its very specific scent and many of them soothe your skin when you touch them, while others hurt you. She couldn't imagine the way the ground smelled after it rained for several hours, the presence of water in the air before the storm. Back then, the ground was her dream.
Now, Clarke Griffin knew everything the ground had to offer, and it wasn't enough to compensate for the pain it brought her. She was lonely, unable to close her eyes without seeing everyone she killed. Her hands were trembling, but with anger, disgust, all hope gone. And the ground has become a Hell of its own, incomparable to the certainty of the Ark. The sun peeking through the windows was burning her skin, the sound of branches dancing in the wind outside deafening her.
She was tapping her fingertips against the wall she was hypnotising, in a rhythm hat quite reminded her of the way the raindrops fell onto Niylah's metal roof, back when she was running away from everyone. It felt like years since she slept in her bed, and like mere seconds since she saw Lexa's face disappearing out of her view, black scratches forming on her suddenly pale skin, eyes trained on her. If she knew that's where she'd end up again, in the company of the blank, cold walls, with Lexa just few meters away from her, maybe she would have let the mutated wolf to rip out her throat. It would definitely be less painful. And far away from Lexa.
She spat to the ground, only the memory of her forming a bitter taste on her tongue. She started rubbing her fingers rapidly, trying to get rid of the drops of blood frantically, when the door to her cell flew open and she was faced with Bellamy. The same Bellamy who hit her head just minutes ago with the back of his gun, in desperate attempt of stopping her from murdering the still Commander.
"That the Hell is wrong with you, Clarke?" He shouted at her, his face devoid of any colour, "Do you want to get yourself killed? Indra was all but ready to snap!"
Her hand flew up to her neck, where a small wetness was forming, as some of her blood escaped the small slit Indra's sword left there. She didn't react to her friend's words, continuing to stare at the wall. Bellamy threw his arms open.
"The Commander's guards are currently demanding punishment for you, Wanheda or not. Kane is trying to calm them down, but they are outraged," he ran his fingers through his messy hair, "What were you thinking, Clarke? She could have killed you!"
Clarke laughed at that, but the expression didn't quite reach her eyes, "She already killed me, Bellamy," she said to the boy, a boy she remembered to be all but a desperate brother watching out for his sister, who was now standing in front of her in guard gear, weapon at his hip. A boy that should be falling in love and drinking and partying, bearing gun and looking at her through tired and regretful eyes.
The said boy swallowed, his Adam apple bobbing up and down with difficulty. He sighed, and rested his palm against his sweaty forehead.
"Look, I'm not excited about being under the Commander either. I was inside the Mountain when she left us. But getting yourself killed isn't going to help anything."
When the blonde didn't react to his words, not turning towards him, the older boy bit his lip. The cell was filled with Clarke's desperate chokes.
"If you decided to throw your life away, Clarke, at least don't sabotage ours by starting a war that would cost us many lives," he said quietly, his eyes begging her to come to senses. She finally connected their stares, and she knew her friend was hurting at seeing her like this, perhaps cursing the Commander just as much as she was, but unlike her, he decided to put it in the past and move forward, for the better of his people, for himself.
Clarke wasn't quite certain she would ever be able to do that.
"People were killed for lesser crimes than lashing out at her, princess," Bellamy said reluctantly, "And I don't know if we can stop her from making you the sacrifice necessary for peace."
**
Lexa knew people around her were talking. She knew they were raging, shouting, and begging, voices and screams overlapping each other, cancelling out the weaker and more distant noises. Indra was pointing towards something furiously, her sword ready in her other hand, and Ryder was growling at Chancellor Kane. She was aware of the things happening around her, of the grounders demanding violent answer to the outburst, and of the sky people asking her to spare one of theirs.
She couldn't focus on anything but the memory of blue eyes, engraved into her mind.
It's been over a year since she last saw the girl. A year since their lips touched inside her war tent, and she felt desire like never before, calmness she never experienced even though her beat was racing as if she were about to run into the battlefield. A year since she saw her glistening eyes as she turned away from her, leading her own people to safety, and letting the sky people fight their own battles.
For a year, she was busy. Almost as busy as when she was uniting the twelve clans all those years ago. She was being tossed from meeting to a meeting, days and nights spent negotiating, planning, and stopping herself from screaming in frustration. Being the Commander was always hard, exhausting you to the point when you felt like falling to the ground and never getting up. And then having to grit your teeth and stand straight, because to be Commander was not to be weak. It was to be stronger than everyone else.
It definitely wasn't spending restless nights awake, staring at the shadows candles are casting onto your ceiling, being haunted by a pair of eyes that remind you of the spotless summer sky.
It definitely wasn't beating yourself over your decisions, having to remind yourself multiple times that what you did was the right thing to do. Head over heart. The Commander's heart never matters.
She sent out search parties first she heard that Clarke has left. Rumours about the legendary Wanheda spread too quickly between the clans, and there were too many people hungry for her power. Claiming Heda should take back the power Clarke took from her by finishing the Mountain herself.
No one really knew what happened inside until two months later when the tension between the coalition and the Sky people was too thick and she met with Chancellor Kane and Dr Abby Griffin. She will never forget the glare the mother of the blonde girl that made her question everything threw at her once she entered the throne room in Polis, oblivious of the ambassadors scowling at her and Kane's soothing hand on her shoulder. Lexa could see the message in her eyes. You did this to my daughter.
Throughout the whole meeting, after Lexa urged Kane to describe everyone the events of the Mountain after they left (which was her desperate attempt at trying to make the other clans respect Skaikru), Lexa held onto he dagger way too tightly, her knuckles turning white as she tried to look impassive. The older woman didn't let go of her, her eyes as intense as her daughters, screaming at her without opening her mouth. Lexa felt like leaving her throne. Clarke trusted you, and look what you've done.
Abbigail Griffin didn't see her as the Commander, the leader of the whole world that was known to them. Someone they should be begging for mercy. No, she saw a woman, a girl that couldn't keep her daughter safe.
For the first time in her life, Lexa was scared to look into someone's eyes.
After a month of negotiating, calming the coalition down and reasoning with them, showing them the pros Skaikru has to offer for them (which got a bit complicated after few older skaikru decided to move into the mountain), Clarke's people were finally her people, too, under her protection. It was the least she could do for the woman that defeated their most feared enemy. It was also the wisest thing to do to keep peace.
It wasn't easy. The sky people didn't have enough respect for their Chancellor and their Board, let alone for some savage grounder that was primitive and sent armies to slaughter their children (only after they sent them to the ground to die, first, as Lexa never forgot to mention). But after the Mountain was gone, ammunition was confiscated and a blockade was set around their little village, the newcomers had to accept the deal she was offering them, the deal which almost cost her life.
The first weeks were rough. The Sky people questioned her every move, shouted at her, tried to attack her guards. She knew that to earn their respect and obedience, she has to show them the real power the Commander possesses. These people were used to being floated, as Clarke once told her, for the smallest of crimes. They didn't bow down to anyone until they were forced to with swords at their necks.
So after agreement with Kane, Lexa did so. She watched the executions of Clarke's people with blank stare, hands clasped behind her back, as they suffered the death of thousand cuts. She had to stand still when Clarke's friend, Raven, was once again screaming out in pain when her friend's heart was finally pierced by Lexa's sword. Lexa knew there was no point in telling the mechanic she took no pleasure in this. She knew she wouldn't trust her from the furious look she kept giving her.
It took just few presentations of power, and everyone bowed to her, most of them with fear, some of them with disgust. But that was more than she could ask for.
After first few months of uncertainty and rumours spreading around, the twelve clans finally started to see that skaikru indeed proved to be a powerful ally, with their maunon guns and healing abilities incomparable to their own. Kane turned out to be the best leader of the childish clan, calming his people down and dealing with hers. Soon, she could walk through the Ark without some of the Sky people navigating her, and behind every corner, whenever she saw group of someone from the hundred or Raven, she expected blonde hair to come into view. They never did.
When six months passed and there was still no word about Wanheda, the ambassadors stopped pressuring her about gaining her power. Pretty much everyone believed her to be dead. A funeral was held, as one of the first acts of peace between the coalition and skaikru, and all the sky people attended, along with trikru and all the leaders of the clans. They burnt Clarke's old clothes, her friends cried and hugged each other, and Abbigail all but fell to her knees, and had to be dragged away by Kane and another doctor, Jackson. No one questioned when Lexa left too soon, and no one dared to enter the house she had in the Ark, interrupting her desperate cries.
Everyone who was close to her noted her change. She was cold, more distant than usual, her face emotionless even when she talked to the citizens. Not even Titus dared to question why sometimes Lexa arrived to their private breakfast with red eyes and shaky legs.
The only thing that kept her sane, kept her from losing it all over again and seeing dark curly hair next to blond locks everywhere she went were the Natblidas, always following her, shining whenever she praised them and trying harder than before when she scolded them. Her children that accepted the skaikru better than anyone else, pointing out the opportunities they saw in the unlikely alliance. And then there was Anya.
When the woman showed up few weeks after the Mountain fell, skinnier but still the same, Lexa couldn't believe it. She lost all of her hope of seeing her old mentor, a person she considered to be her friend when she received the braid from Clarke. And now there she was, staring at her with her dark eyes, and Lexa had to smile, and if they were alone, she would let herself shed tears of happiness. Being reunited with the closest thing she had to a family brought some hope back, that perhaps, one day, Clarke will find her way back, just like Anya did.
Of course, after a year, she didn't dare to hope anymore, so when the word was delivered to her that Skaikru have found the Wanheda, seriously wounded but alive, Lexa waved it off as a rumour. Many of them came up during the year, and all were proven to be false. But when her own scout came back and informed her that the woman is indeed in the medical care of the Ark, recognized by her mother, Octavia, and Nyko, she tried to finish up her duties as fast as she could, and on her first chance, she was mounting her horse and sprinting towards Arkadia.
During the whole ride, she was anxious, trying to stop herself from trembling, making sure it wasn't a trick of her own mind.
And when she saw her standing in front of her, her heart all but stopped.
She was even more beautiful than Lexa remembered, her now longer hair shining in the morning sun, her skin tanned, figure much stronger than she remembered. She sported few scars and supported herself on crutches, but other than that, she was the same, and she was alive.
Then their eyes met, and Lexa finally found the flaw in their reunion.
This wasn't the girl she remembered.
This woman was breathing fire, yes, but fire full of anger, hate, and disgust. When she looked at Lexa, she was shaking, her fists rolling into balls at her side. It made Lexa's breath get stuck in her throat, frozen to the spot.
She wasn't the least surprised when Clarke attacked her. She didn't expect them to meet and kiss and hug, no matter how much she wished to. She didn't know to which extent the sky girl blamed her for what happened, and how much it affected her, but she knew it wouldn't leave the girl without a scar she can only make hurt less by tackling Lexa.
And when her grip was too strong around Lexa's grip, the brunette felt like she deserved it, the pain, the desperate need to breathe and the panic when she couldn't. Because in Clarke's eyes she could see that's what Lexa caused her.
Because she wasn't willing to hurt Clarke ever again, she didn't move, too stunned when she started gasping for air to fight her off. She knew she should, to prove herself to the people around them, but she was stuck. If she was more present in the moment, and not lost in Clarke's wet eyes, she would see Octavia gesturing to her brother urgently. She would see it when the head guard of sky people raised his gun and hit it against the back of her head.
Next thing she knew, she could inhale again, a weight was lifted off of her, Clarke was once again leaving.
And she was standing in front of the main square, eyes fixated on the main entrance to the Ark, snapping back into presence.
"Heda. I know we respect the Wanheda, but attacking you, that's unacceptable. No one can get away with a treason this big against you without punishment," Indra was hissing, ignoring Kane.
"She attacked the Commander. She clearly questions her competence to lead," someone else said in trigedasleng, and few people nodded in agreement while others barked at them for their ridiculousness.
"I say let's lash her until she bows to the Commander," some of her warriors proposed.
"Are you out of your mind? She saved your asses, you can't hurt her!" Some girl from the guards shouted back, and Lexa recognized her as one of the hundred, Harper. Some more sky people agreed and everything was a mess until Lexa raised her hand, trying to appear calm. Everyone went silent.
"We will discuss the issue later. In the meantime, settle in the camps," she ordered them, and started walking away as fast as she could without appearing like she was running away. Which she was. She made it through the crowds of sky people that separated in front of her with flawless mask, her sash flowing behind her, but as soon as she entered her house, she slid down the door, and hiccupped.
Commanders don't hiccup. Commanders don't let their tears fall down, smudging their warpaint as they crumble to the ground and hide their faces in their hands. They definitely don't sob into the sleeves of their gear, feeling every sign of panic attack coming at them. Her heart was plummeting in her chest. Her throat was closing, not letting any air enter her lings and everything was spinning. And when she noticed the red blood staining the sign over her bed, she had to close her eyes.
She was pretty sure she would lose herself completely if it weren't for the knock on her door that she more felt than heard, leaning against the door. She stood up, trying to compose herself, and ready to shout at whoever it was to leave her.
"Heda, it's me," Anya's voice reached her from the other side of the door, "Let me enter."
Lexa wiped her tears away in case someone besides Anya spotted her, and opened her door just enough for the taller woman to get in. Were it anyone else, they would be stunned for word seeing Lexa like this, like she was any other heartbroken girl that’s just something over twenty winters old, and not the Heda, but Anya knew better. Anya knew Lexa like no one else in the world. Anya was there when Lexa went crazy after Costia's head was delivered to her. She was there when her second made the hard decision to let Azgeda enter her coalition, no matter how much it hurt her.
The older blonde put her hands on Lexa's arms, and made her look into her eyes.
"Lexa, focus on me. Count backwards from hundred," she ordered her, and Lexa obeyed, closing her eyes as she did so. When she was down to forty, her tears stopped, and she could see Anya more clearly.
"I can't, Anya," she murmured, "You know I can't punish her."
"I know, yongon," Anya said in an urgent voice, "But you can't allow yourself moments of weakness, not now. You have to go back there, and explain why exactly it is that you won't punish such a crime against your persona. Understood?" The woman raised her eyebrows, and Lexa nodded, "Good. Now, why do we not punish the sky girl? She is much angrier than I remember her."
Lexa remembered when she was being raised by Titus, and the old Commander, slowly being moulded into emotionless leader that only took mercy in exceptional causes, someone who wasn’t expected to have anyone close to them, as that could mean sabotage, distraction, a trap. She used to cry at night, missing her family, and Luna would come to hug her, and Jonas would try to distract her, and for a while, she felt better. And then, once Titus found them, they would get screamed at, whipped, and forbidden from showing such weakness ever again.
And then, when she was transferred to Anya, everything changed. Anya was much stronger than Titus, a young woman just few years older than Lexa herself. She was training Lexa ‘till the little girl would be falling to her knees from exhaustion. It was no longer just a play, just the natblidas fighting each other. It was holding real weapons and standing by Anya’s side in the middle of real battle, when other children, including Costia, played and danced and shouted and screamed.
But it was also Anya tending to her when Lexa got hurt. It was Anya waking her up by tickling her to the point she screamed. It was Anya telling her jokes, ruffling her hair, roasting meat over fire until the deep night when they had an occasional day over. It was hugs when Lexa felt down, it was teasing when Lexa started eyeing one certain girl who always liked to weave flowers into her black, curly hair. It was both gentle and rough, and it finally felt like she had a family.
Anya was the only one who could see the girl under the persona of the Commander, who told her that to be strong didn’t mean she isn’t allowed to cry. Even though Lexa had hard time believing that, everytime she saw the strong woman she learned to worship break down, cry or care, she could see the sense in Anya’s preaching.
"Because we want to get the power of Wanheda on our side, not fight it," Lexa whispered, but her voice was stronger.
"Alright," Anya clasped her shoulder more gently, but there was firmness in the touch, "Now you go face your people, and tell them that just drein no jus daun. It is not our way anymore."
Lexa nodded again, every trace of tears gone from her face. Anya smirked.
"Perfect. Ready to face the world again, Heda?" She asked and when Lexa once again agreed, she sighed, "You can allow yourself moment of weakness later, Lexa, but not now. Now your duty comes first."
With those words, the two women opened the door and marched towards the main square.
The crowd was sparser, as few lower soldiers returned to their camps and younger arkers returned to their duties. Only the sky guards, Octavia, Indra, Ryder, Chancellor Kane and Dr Griffin stayed, clearly caught in a heated discussion. They all shut up when Lexa joined them, eyeing her with curiosity.
"I have made my decision," she informed them, and raised her voice to the people that once again gathered around them, "We will not punish the great Wanheda. Yes, attack against me is attack against the coalition, and therefore punishable by death by thousand cuts, but, Wanheda is too valuable. Too powerful. And I believe we can gain from her power if we do not anger her against us, but instead let her join us.
So, let us know that while any other attack will be answered, this one shall be forgotten in the honour of the Wanheda defeating the mountain. We paid our debt by letting her live. And now it is her decision to either follow me, or die," she finished her speech, the words tasting bitter on her tongue as she looked around the crowd of people. They didn't dare to say a word while she was speaking, but once she stopped, she could hear them hum in agreement. Kane was mouthing her thank you, Octavia sighed out in relief and Dr Griffin all but lifted a big weight off of her shoulders, sobbing into her hands.
She was obvious to Indra complaining, trying to make her change her mind, and instead dismissed the group, nodding her head at Kane, and leaving the scene once again. She was way too tired, the medallion sitting between her eyebrows heavier than ever.
**
Clarke was getting tired of hearing Bellamy pacing in front of her cell, literally biting his nails as he did so. She didn't know when his affection and care for her grew so much, why the Hell he cared when she made him pull the lever with her, and then abandoned them all, unprotected from Lexa. He should be pointing his gun at her. Hell, he should have killed her once she wrapped her fingers around Lexa's throat.
The man stopped in his steps when another guard opens the door, and someone steps in. And Clarke was faced with Anya.
"The great Wanheda," the woman says with amusement playing in her eyes, "You could use another shower. You stink of the Skaikru disinfection."
She hasn’t changed at all, except for her clothes. It seemed nobler, with the red cloak decorating her black armour. Her hair is a bit shorter, but she seems tired.
"Anya," she breathed out, and she couldn't understand why she was so relieved to see her. They only spent few days together on their run from the mountain, and she was someone Lexa cared about deeply, for God's sake. She should hate her. But instead, she lets herself smile a little at the grounder standing in front of her. She is even more surprised when the warrior smirks back.
"What is the Commander's decision?" Bellamy asked urgently, and Anya rolled her eyes.
"She may live, but if this happens once again, Heda's people won't hesitate to kill her on spot," she warned them, and Bellamy smiled, "Bellboy, can you leave us alone?" It is clear from her tone that it's not a question but an order, and Bellamy nodded, and left the prison cell. Anya opened Clarke's door by pressing few buttons confidently. Clarke raised an eyebrow.
"Turns out your mechanic is a good teacher when it comes to sky technology," she explained as if it was clear it was Raven who taught her, and reached out her hand for Clarke. The younger woman eyed her warily.
"Ohh, come on, I'm not going to throw you to the ground. I just want to properly welcome the girl that tried to save my life and negotiate pace," she sounded almost bored, and Clarke finally clasped Anya's arm in grounder greeting, "Now, what made you almost kill Heda, and yourself?"
"She is nothing but a traitor," Clarke spat, baring her teeth. Anya rolled her eyes, as if she expected the exact answer Clarke gave her.
“And why is that, skai prisa?” the taller woman asked with exhaustion in her voice and leaned against a wall. Clarke frowned.
“She left us there. We had a deal and she broke it. She couldn’t care if we made it out alive, if I-„ her voice broke off, and she sighed, „She broke our deal, Anya.“
„Of course,“ Anya nodded, crossing her arms over her chest, „And now comes the part where you tell you would have never done the same, that you wouldn’t do what she did if you were offered the same deal.“
„Yes! “ Clarke let out, almost scandalized, „I would have never betrayed my friends, never left them to die! “
„From what I understand, you did have friends inside the Mountain, didn’t you? The young girl Jasper was obsessed with, she saved Bellamy. The people that sacrificed their lives for your people. Did you not betray them by pulling the lever just like Lexa betrayed you by leaving?” Anya raised her eyebrows and Clarke breathed out.
“What do you want, Anya?”
“I want to see you what hypocrite you are being. I’m not here to blame you for killing the children and innocent inside the mountain. I respect you for doing what you thought was necessary for survival of your people. Just like I respect Leksa for leaving.”
“If she stayed there,” Clarke reasoned, even though her chin was quivering, “We could have done something. We could have given the bone marrow to the resistance and the children and-“
“And what, let Lexa lose hundreds of people in the process? We were expendable for them, unlike you, and we have lost too many. Hundreds, thousands. When you look back on it now, you may think you would have done better, but in that moment, it was the wisest choice to do. Don’t tell me you haven’t figured that out during the year when you were pretending to be some kind of martyrs.”
“Ohh?” Clarke almost laughed, “And why isn’t the wise Heda here, then?”
“She doesn’t wish for you to attack her again and get yourself killed,” Anya retorted, “She will let you rest for the rest of the day, now. Tomorrow, she expects you to be present at the meeting with Kane and the board.”
With that, the Commander’s advisor turned on her heel, “Ohh, and Clarke? Don’t make yourself look stupid,” she added before she finally opened the door to the prison cell and left, letting Clarke stare at the open door.