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"Here, let me help you with that," Danny says to Steve, grabbing one of the white plastic bags he's struggling to carry through the door. "What'd you do, buy out the store?"
Steve plops the bags down in the middle of the living room, making a nest of white and red plastic. "Babies need lots of stuff. At least that's what the clerk told me." He puts his hands on his hips. "Is Jason okay?"
"Steve, you were only gone for an hour. He's fine. He's napping upstairs."
"He's in the crib, right?"
"No, doofus, he's in the bathtub. Of course he's in the crib. I have done this before, you know. Unlike some people we could mention."
Steve gives him the evil eye, then runs up the stairs two at a time. "Grab the diapers. I'm going to see how he's doing. He probably needs to be changed, right?" He disappears before Danny can respond, leaving Danny to forage in the bags for the diapers.
He finds Steve in Mary's old room, which has been turned into a nursery. Steve looks down at Jason, his two-month old nephew. "He's asleep, you were right," Steve says. There's something in his eyes that Danny's never seen before. Some of the hardness is gone, replaced with soft wonder. Then he rubs his hands together briskly, as if preparing to hack through five miles of jungle with a machete. "Well, better wake him up to change him."
"No, no, no, no, no." Danny holds Steve back with a hand on his arm. "Rule number one of parenting: never wake a sleeping baby. You'll learn that soon enough when he wakes up at 3 am bawling his eyes out. Then you'll appreciate the afternoon nap."
Steve scowls. "So what do we do?"
"Um. We wait. We let him sleep."
"Oh. I feel like I should be doing something. I bought all that stuff."
"Nope. Just change him when he wakes up." Danny puts the bulky package of diapers on the changing table.
"I guess I'll take some out so we're ready." Steve rips into the package and pulls out a few. He unfolds one and holds it out with a frown.
Danny sighs. "Steve. Did you notice there are sizes for those things?"
"Er, no. I didn't. I guess I thought one size fits all? I mean, all babies are small, right?"
Danny grabs the package. "It says for 27 pounds and up, babe. It goes by weight. You need something a lot smaller, like Size 2 or 3, I don't know, I mean, how much does he weigh?"
Steve scrubs his face. "I have no idea. Crap."
"We can estimate." The guy looks like he's about to lose it. Danny rubs Steve's back like he's settling a horse.
Jason stirs and lets out a wail that can probably be heard on the mainland. Steve stiffens and his eyes widen. "Oh my god. What do we do?"
"Just watch me." Danny picks up the baby and pats his back, bouncing him up and down. "There, there. Uncle Danny's here." Jason sputters and spits, then quietly nuzzles his head against Danny's shoulder.
"How'd you do that?" Steve asks.
"Nothing special. You'll get the hang of it."
Jason lets out a blorbing sound from his little butt. Danny grins at Steve. "Okay, now we got a problem. Size 5 diapers aren't going to cut it. Didn't Mary leave some diapers with you?"
Steve's face morphs from a look of horror to a grin. "You know, I think she did. Let me check the stuff she left." He rummages in the baby supplies Mary'd left with him and comes up with a teensy diaper half the size of the ones he bought at Target. "Eureka."
"Awesome." Danny lays Jason down on the changing table and starts to unsnap his onesie. "Rule number two of parenting: don't breathe through your nose when changing a poopie diaper."
"Makes sense."
Danny unfolds the diaper and maneuvers Jason into position.
Steve blurts out, "I want to try. I can do this." He has on his 'I can move mountains' Super Seal look, so Danny backs away, leaving one hand on the wriggling baby to make sure he doesn't fall off.
"Okay, sure. First get your wipes and be ready to pull away the dirty diaper."
Steve gets through the first couple of steps perfectly. He wipes Jason clean with military thoroughness and places the clean diaper in position just right. He's about to pull the front up to wrap it in place when Jason sprays pee all over Steve's shirt.
Danny laughs. "Oh god. You should see your face. Yeah, I forgot to tell you the third rule of parenting: always cover a little guy's penis when you're changing him."
"Now you tell me?" Steve looks down at his shirt with a grimace, then quickly wipes up Jason again and secures the adhesive tabs of his diaper. When he's gotten the baby all buttoned up, he hands him over to Danny so he can take off his soiled shirt - carefully. When he's got it off, he holds it away from his body with his thumb and index finger.
"Oh yeah, and the fourth rule of parenting is always have a lot of laundry detergent on hand," Danny adds. He takes an appreciative glance at Steve's bare chest. "On the other hand, anything that gets you out of your shirt can't be all bad. Not that you need an excuse." He chucks Jason on his little dimpled chin. "See? It turned out alright in the end, didn't it?"
Jason waves his chubby fingers in Steve's direction and gurgles happily.
"The little man agrees. He's got good taste," Danny says.
Steve throws his shirt in the hamper and comes over to them, winding an arm around Danny's shoulder and looking down at Jason. He kisses Danny on the cheek. "Thanks."
"For what?"
"Just being here."
Danny's cheeks flush. "Yeah...well... I think we all know who's the brains in this operation."
"Hey," Steve says, with no real heat, and swats at him. He watches as Danny coos at Jason and bounces him in his arms.
"Let me hold him," Steve says.
"Make sure you support the back of his head," Danny says as he hands over Jason.
Steve gingerly holds Jason against his chest, so the baby's head leans over Steve's shoulder. "Like this?"
"Yeah, that's good. It's all just common sense, really."
Steve tries gently bouncing the baby and patting him on the back. He stops abruptly and his face crumples.
"What?" Danny says.
"Um. I think he just spit up all over my back."
Danny snorts. "Oh. They do that. Which brings me to the fifth rule of parenting..."
Steve rolls his eyes. "Just take him while I get a towel."