Chapter Text
—be happy; forever—
Home, Alex thinks, again, and again. Home. Home. Home.
He’s sure he’s in shock, but god that won’t stop him from kissing John over and over and over until they tire of it.
The kisses change, needy and hungry and sweet and gentle, and all Alex can do is try to find a good grip on John’s back, on his hips, on any part he can. All he can do is revel in the way John’s hips slot perfectly against his own. It’s beautiful. It’s maddening. Alex cannot get enough.
When Alex pulls away for a moment, John’s gasping for breath. His fingers are wrapped in Alex’s hair, pulling it out of the bun.
“You, too?” Alex whispers, voice full of wonderment. A breath of laughter bursts from both of them, and the sounds mingle together beautifully.
“Me, too,” John agrees, and Alex cannot go another second without kissing John so he doesn’t. In an impulse decision, he runs his tongue along John’s bottom lip and licks into his mouth when John gasps, and he laughs against John’s mouth when he feels John’s knees give out.
“Asshole,” John mutters, and Alex happily shuts him up again.
They kiss for days, minutes, hours, years—time blends together and everything else seems irrelevant compared to the sensation of John in his arms, John kissing him without resolve, John’s hands trailing his body and John’s mouth kissing him near an inch of his life. Alex can’t describe the feeling—not long ago, he thought he was at the end and now they’re here—and it’s only the beginning.
“I love you,” John finally says, and Alex’s heart takes off again.
“I love you,” he echoes. His grip automatically tightens on John’s hips, pulling him closer, closer. “God, I’ve loved you for so long.”
John laughs, then, sounding giddy and young and happy. His thumb traces Alex’s cheekbone, and it’s so soft and nice that Alex could cry because of it. “I never thought this would happen,” John admits. “I never—I never even imagined you’d ever feel the same. “God, you’re leagues above me. You’re a hurricane and I’m barely a breeze. I don’t know how you had the time to stop for long enough to spare me a second glance.”
“John, I can’t take my fucking eyes off you,” Alex insists. God, he never wants to hear John sound so sad or unsure again. “You occupy—everything. My thoughts, my space, my dreams, my life. You’re the best part of me, even before all of this. Do you know what hurricanes do, John? They destroy things. But you, you remind me how to be gentle. You’re loud and you’re passionate and you’re an asshole, but you care so deeply for people and you don’t have a hateful bone in your body. At least ten petty bones, but not a hateful one.”
“Hey!” John whines, and he makes quick work of kissing Alex again and again. Alex doesn’t mind shutting up if this is the way it’ll have to be every time. “Don’t be rude to me, you love me.”
“I love you,” Alex agrees, and its a vow he doesn’t ever want to break. “With every bone in my being.”
And John loves him back. God, Alex wants to scream it from the rooftops, wants to tattoo it on his body, wants to drown himself in the feeling of John’s arms gripping him closer and he never wants to feel anything else. For far too long Alex had been sure he’d never have a chance.
How wonderfully relieved he is to have been wrong.
John’s nails are a tad bit too long.
Alex notices, the next morning, that John’s grown out his nails a bit, hasn’t bitten them in quite a while. He noticed last night, when John’s nails left beautifully sharp marks on his back. But he notices again, actually comprehends it, in the early light of the morning after when John’s half asleep on Alex’s chest and happily letting Alex play with his hands.
John has long fingers, beautiful fingers. Pianist fingers, guitarist fingers, fingers that have painted and punched and created and destroyed. There’s a faint scar above his middle knuckle, a collection of freckles spanning from the back of his hand down the rest of his arms. His fingers are gentle, Alex remembers, when they’re running through Alex’s hair, when they’re pulling, when they prod, when they stroke.
John’s fingers fit perfectly between Alex’s.
Alex revels in it, touches every freckle and scar and mark on John’s hands and repeatedly slides his fingers through John’s, intertwines them and marvels at how beautiful a sight it is. Their hands fit perfectly.
John turns his head sleepily, just enough to press a kiss to the soft skin of Alex’s stomach.
“What’re you doing?” he mumbles. His fingers twitch along Alex’s, and it’s followed by a reassuring squeeze. Alex cannot tear his gaze away from their hands.
“Perfect fit,” he murmurs.
He can feel a smile spread across John’s face from where he’d nuzzled into Alex’s chest. “Perfect you.”
Alex smiles in return. He’s sure he hasn’t stopped smiling since John kissed him last night. Perfect, indeed. Everything about this whole situation is so surreal—he thinks he must be dreaming, he still can’t believe John loves him back. A perfect fit, a perfect boy—a perfect story. Ups and downs and the best surprise ending Alex could have ever asked for. “Sap,” he says fondly, and his fingers dance along John’s.
“You love me,” John says smugly.
And how true a fact that is.
John does this thing with his mouth that has the ability to drive Alexander positively mad.
Well, John does a lot of things that drive Alex mad, and they’ve only just begun to explore. Alex notices the way the corner of his lips will quirk before he leans in to kiss him. The way John’s mouth forms words is hypnotizing—even more enticing in other languages, and Alex loves it. John’s mouth stretches from ear to ear in the world’s biggest grin any time Alex says anything sappy, and it’s damn beautiful so maybe Alex is a bit cheesy in the things he says. Yes, John has quite a list of things that drive Alex mad.
First and foremost, is the way his mouth seems to be memorizing every corner and crevice of Alex’s body.
Alex is trembling under John’s ministrations, trying to hold still but overwhelmed by the way John’s mouth feels on his body. John kisses him from head to toe, his tongue flicks across collarbone and nipple and hipbone and inner thigh. He leaves marks everywhere—bite marks when he nips at the softness of Alex’s skin, bruises where he kisses Alex with licks and pulls. John’s hands are on Alex’s hips, on his waist, in his hair—everywhere all at once, and all Alex can do is hold on to whatever he can get a good enough grip on.
“John,” Alex gasps. “John, John.”
John squeezes his hip and noses along Alex’s inner thigh, pressing kisses periodically. “Shh, baby girl,” John murmurs, and his breath along Alex’s skin sends a thrill up his spine. And there’s another thing John does that’s been driving Alex insane. Sometime last night the pet name slipped out, eliciting a response from Alex neither of them had been expecting.
The nickname stuck. And Alex loves it.
“I got you,” John repeats. “You’re so beautiful, Alex, I’ve got you.”
Alex is nearly sobbing at the sensation of it all, John is so good—Alex is overwhelmed, it’s all too much.
John’s fingers brush along the length of his cock, then without warning John takes it into his mouth and Alex is gasping for air as John’s tongue flits across the tip. John’s mouth is warm and his tongue is sinful, and John’s hands press into Alex’s hips as he moves up and down Alex’s dick. Alex rocks his hips instinctively, and John takes it like a champ.
“I love you,” Alex breathes. It’s the only coherent thought he can form, and he says it over and over—nothing else seems to matter except for John and Alex being in love with him. He doubts anything else will ever matter again.
John is beautiful and wonderful and slowly taking Alex apart with his mouth. Alex is coming undone, he’s close and they’ve only just started.
Alex thinks, this is only the beginning of everything.
The outside world finally calls them sometime around noon.
They’re awoken by the sound of John’s phone ringing, obnoxiously, and for a moment they’re both too groggy to answer it. It’s nice to wake up this way, Alex realizes, with John wrapped around him and their legs tangled together. John seems to have the same sentiment, as he starts pressing kisses to Alex’s shoulder instead of moving to answer his phone.
“S’nice,” John murmurs against Alex’s skin. Alex smiles.
“Your phone is ringing,” Alex says with a groan. As much as he doesn’t want John to stop what he’s doing, the outside world is literally calling them. John nips at Alex’s skin and grins when Alex shivers.
“Or we could ignore the phone call and make out?” John suggests.
Alex likes that idea much better.
John’s in the middle of slipping his tongue into Alex’s mouth when the phone starts to ring again. They both groan collectively, and Alex starts shifting out of John’s arms. He laughs when John unnecessarily tightens his grip. “No,” he whines.
Alex pushes at John’s arms. “It’s my phone ringing now,” Alex argues. “That can’t be coincidental. I just want to make sure the world outside hasn’t blown up while we’ve been busy sucking face.”
John mumbles something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like, that’s not all we’ve been sucking, and all Alex can do is roll his eyes and try to keep his heart from pounding out of his chest as he realizes how irrevocably fond he is of John Laurens. John finally lets him up for long enough that he can stumble around the room to find his phone. It’s ringing for a second time, and the display says Laf is calling when Alex finally picks it up.
“Lafayette,” Alex tells John, and he answers the phone.
“You are alive, yes?” blurts Lafayette, before Alex can even get a word in. “You didn’t answer my call last night and John was looking for you and it’s nearly noon now—are you okay? What the hell happened last night?”
Alex stifles a laugh. “I’m—great,” he says honestly, and he loves how true of a statement that is. He’s great. “I got home late, John and I…talked. I’m alive. Glad to know my friends worry about me, too.”
John’s grinning from his spot on the bed, grinning at Alex and opening his arms all wide and inviting. Alex happily crawls back into bed with his phone and cuddles up next to John. Lafayette sighs on the other line. “I told John not to call me until after eight, it has been four hours past that. I was worried…”
“What, that we got in a fight and that it was the end for us?” Alex teases. John kisses the corner of his mouth. “Sorry to tell you, buddy, that’s definitely not what happened.”
“What did happen?’
Alex looks at John, looks at the man he’s hopelessly in love with, who for some godforsaken reason has chosen to love him back. John is the sun, bursting at the seams, lighting up every dark part that Alex has ever tried to hide. Somehow he convinced this supernova of light to love him, to take a chance on every twisted and scary corner of Alex’s mind. What happened is that somewhere along the way, Alex forgot what it meant to be afraid of loving someone and he let his heart open long enough to welcome in the love of his life. Alex forgot what it meant to stay solitary, and he allowed people into his life who became the best family he could have asked for. What did happen was that Alex was dropped headfirst into a group of people who immediately wrapped him up in their arms and made him drop his defenses so that they could make their home in his life.
“Can I call you back?” Alex whispers. John’s smile is brilliant, beautiful, blinding.
“What? Alex, no, what’s—” Lafayette tries to argue, but Alex just says goodbye and hangs up and haphazardly throws his phone somewhere in the room. John rolls his eyes and kisses Alex’s nose.
“Ignoring our friends?” John teases. Alex wraps his arms around John’s waist.
“I’d rather kiss you,” Alex tells him. John raises an eyebrow but obliges, leaning in and kissing Alex happily.
“You’re such a sap,” John laughs, pulling away from Alex and rolling his eyes when Alex chases after him. Alex moves his hands from John’s waist to squeeze his ass, reveling in the way John laughs and buries his face in Alex’s shoulder.
“Are you embarrassed?” Alex asks. He nudges John out of his hiding space and grins at the blush spreading across John’s cheeks. “Babe.”
“What,” John groans. He nuzzles back into Alex’s chest, and his curls tickle his neck. Alex can’t stop laughing now—he feels like happiness is bubbling out of him, pouring out of every crack in his armor. God, maybe he is a sap. It doesn’t seem to matter anymore.
“Why are you embarrassed?” Alex asks. He’s running his fingers through John’s curls; he hadn’t even noticed he was doing it. Is this how habits are formed, unconsciously, quietly, in moments of peaceful bliss?
John groans, and then he’s kissing Alex’s neck and biting and—oh. Yes, Alex is sure he could get used to this. He knows John’s deflecting, avoiding whatever embarrassed him in favor for ravishing Alex’s body. The more Alex thinks about it, the more he decides maybe it isn’t such a bad thing.
He sucks on a tender part of Alex’s collarbone and it elicits a sharp growl from Alex. His hands wander again and he grabs John’s ass again. John stutters from where he’s kissing Alex’s neck. His skin is on fire.
“You’re still blushing,” Alex teases. “What’s wrong?”
John sighs. “I don’t know,” he mumbles. “This is—new? I’ve never, like. Done…this. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Alex shifts then, realizes that this is important and that he needs to see John’s face for this. At first John won’t meet his eyes. It’s evident that he’s self-conscious, that he’s afraid Alex is going to disregard his feelings. Alex feels the same way, on some level; terrified to wear his heart on his sleeve but unwilling to back down. They’ve gotten a glimpse into what their lives could be from this point out. Alex will be damned before he says goodbye to that.
“We’ll figure it out together,” Alex promises. He’s holding John’s face in his hands now, trying everything he can to get his point across. He’d give anything to ensure that John never felt self-conscious again. “We’re going to figure out how to navigate this together. This is new territory for me, too.”
John bites his lip. Alex lets him struggle with whatever he’s trying to say, lets him take a minute before he speaks. “It’s—more than that,” he whispers. “I can do—like, sex. One time things. I’m good at that. Intimacy? Long term? Being in love, being a boyfriend, or—whatever. Jesus. I don’t want to fuck this up.”
“John,” Alex says softly. John shakes his head.
“No, listen,” John insists. “I’ve never had—a boyfriend before. I’ve never. I don’t know. Everyone I’ve ever tried to love has walked away with me, everyone has hurt me or never given it back. You know what I mean—we’ve, like, talked about it. Before. Anyway. I’ve been scared before. And you…don’t scare me, as much. Maybe because we were friends, before this. That’s my point. That being with you, that making this work, all of it—I’m not scared. I don’t want to get hurt, but. I don’t think that’s the case here.”
Alex is grinning like an idiot. “Boyfriend?”
John rolls his eyes.”I’m trying to pour my heart out to you and all you care about is some trivial word?”
“Are we boyfriends, John?” Alex teases. It’s effective—John starts stammering and blushing again and tries to nuzzle back into Alex’s neck. Alex laughs and pushes him away. “Stop, I’m serious. Okay, I was teasing you earlier, but it’s a valid question. Is that…what we are?”
They’re both shy now, both blushing and smiling foolishly and enjoying being wrapped in each other’s arms. After a moment of hesitation, John leans forward and gently captures Alex’s lips with his own. For a moment that’s all they do, quietly kiss until finally John pulls away and rests his forehead on Alex’s. “I think—I’d like that. Boyfriends.”
“Boyfriends,” Alex agrees.
John covers his face in Alex’s neck once again, takes a deep breath that makes even Alex shudder. “Since we’re already…feeling, and discussing. I just want you to know. This isn’t like, casual. I don’t want it to be. I—just because I haven’t. Okay. I’ve never dated seriously before. But I want this, long-term. At the risk of getting too serious, I mean like. A forever deal.”
“You’re so sexy when you talk in business terms,” Alex murmurs. John’s still blushing. Alex kisses his nose, his cheekbone, anything else he can reach. “John, I’m just teasing you. I’m sorry, I’m an asshole. If we’re going to do this, forever-deal, you’re probably gonna need to know that, babe.”
John’s laughing, muffled by Alex’s body, but it’s a laugh all the same. “You’re such a shithead.”
“I love you,” Alex reminds him. “And I want this, too. A forever deal.”
John grins stupidly. “Glad to be in business with you, partner.”
“Oh my god,” Alex groans, and he rolls John over to pepper kisses along his face. “I’m in love with such a nerd.”
He’d have it no other way.
“How long have you known?”
“A month or so.”
John shifts in his arms, ever so slightly, imitating a shrug. Alex continues to run his fingers through John’s curls. “You should have told me,” Alex murmurs. He tugs on a stray curl when John rolls his eyes, and they both laugh a little breathlessly.
“I could say the same for you,” John whispers. Alex bites his lip, shifts his head just enough so he can press a kiss to John’s forehead. He runs the pad of his thumb along John’s cheekbones, his lips; he traces the outline of John’s face and he memorizes every curve and bump.
“We could have had this so much sooner.”
John kisses along Alex’s fingers as he traces his face; he reaches up and grabs tight to Alex’s hand. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” he breathes. He’s shivering, Alex can feel his tremors, and with a jolt he realizes John is trying not to cry. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you—”
“Shh, shh,” Alex soothes. He kisses John’s face, over and over, wiping away tears and trying desperately to reassure him. “Neither of us knew. I hurt myself. If I could have just told you upfront, we could have avoided this whole thing. You didn’t know. You didn’t hurt me.”
“I love you,” John says, and he captures Alex’s lips with his own. “I love you, I love you.”
Alex lets John pepper him with kisses, lets John repeat his mantra until he’s relaxed again in Alex’s arms. “I love you, too,” Alex whispers.
It’s a quiet moment, rare. The light is soft, and cascades into the room gently. The world seems to know that these two boys cannot be bothered. Everything is gentle, still. For the first time, Alex isn’t plagued by a thousand thoughts per minute. His heartbeat steadies alongside John’s.
Gentle, still.
The start of forever.
John is a warm weight, perfect when he lies Alex down in the sheets. John takes control in the best way, encourages Alex to spread his legs so he can climb in between them. He licks his way into Alex’s mouth, kisses hard and easy and good. Alex doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of the way John’s lips move against his—he’ll never get over the butterflies, the heat pooling in his belly, he’ll never stop getting a head rush anytime John kisses him. Maybe a day will come that Alex isn’t overwhelmed by how wholly he’s ready to give himself over to John. For today, he just revels in the fact that he knows what this feeling is.
John grinds his hips up, slowly against Alex’s, and the slight brush of their half-hard cocks against each other is enough to elicit a moan from both men. Alex’s own hands act of their own accord, sliding along John’s sides and tangling in his hair and running over the smooth skin everywhere. John is gorgeous, covered from head to toe with beauty, and Alex will never stop marveling at it. He shifts his own hips, then, rubbing their dicks together once more, and they both cry out at the sensation.
“God, you’re gorgeous,” John is gasping. Alex blushes.
John has called him ever variation of beautiful he can, multiple times, and it never ceases to spread warmth through Alex’s entire body. Beautiful, Alex wants to cry out. He thinks I’m…beautiful.
He doesn’t answer, instead kisses John’s mouth again and again. John’s tongue slides against his, sweet and persuasive and Alex doesn’t need much more prodding. He reaches for the lube left on the nightstand, presses it into John’s side when John doesn’t pull away from kissing him.
“More,” Alex pleads. “Please.”
Who is John to deny him?
John takes the lube from Alex’s hands and then makes his way down Alex’s body, kissing and licking along the way. His tongue traces previous marks he’d left behind; hickeys and bite marks that he soothes now with gentle pressed kisses. He finally spreads Alex’s legs again, places his hands on Alex’s knees and opens him and begins to press kisses to the insides of Alex’s thighs. This was another discovery—the insides of his thighs are sensitive and John loves the response he can elicit just by spending some time down there.
John palms Alex over the top of his boxer,s wraps his fingers along the length and tugs. After a minute of taking Alex apart with his deft fingers, John slips his hand past the waistband of Alex’s boxers and pulls them off. Alex is whimpering, and John soothes him with kisses and strokes and every other thing he can do to push Alex closer to the edge.
“Please,” Alex wants to sob. “Please, please.”
John doesn’t need more persuasion.
He slips in one finger, and it’s cold from the lube and it startles Alex until John starts to pump it in and out. Alex is still a bit loose from their earlier round, one finger isn’t enough, and John grunts when Alex insists he insert another finger.
“Don’t fucking sass me while you’re stretching me open,” Alex gasps out. John snorts out a laugh and rolls his eyes.
“Don’t fucking sass me while I’m trying to blow your fucking mind,” he retorts, and Alex is about to shoot back a clever response before John puts his mouth on Alex’s dick and Alex loses all coherent thought. There’s a third finger inserted, at some point, and John curls them periodically and Alex writhes and cries out as they brush his prostate, tries desperately not to shout while John breathes hot and heavy along his dick and stretches him wide with his fingers.
“You’re,” he pants. “Jesus, yeah, like that—you’re a fucking sex god, I don’t understand. Oh my god—mierda, don’t—”
John pulls away from Alex’s dick, sloppily reaches up to trail kisses up and down Alex’s stomach as he curls his fingers again and again. Alex is trembling, dizzy with sensation, and after a moment John says, “You good?”
Alex can’t nod fast enough.
It takes too long for John to warm the lube up, takes him too long to prep both him and Alex, and by the time he’s finally done Alex is sure he’s waited a lifetime for this. He guesses he has, in a way. He’s waited his whole life to find someone like John, to find someone to love him the same. Alex is afraid for a moment he might start trembling again.
Then John’s hands are wrapping around Alex’s ankles, moving his legs so he can position himself between them and persuading Alex to wrap his legs around John’s waist. He lines himself up, presses another messy kiss to the closest part of Alex he can reach, and pushes in.
It’s a good burn, familiar even from just one night prior. They both gasp for a minute, wait out the stretch and burn and shake as the anticipation takes them over. John persuades Alex’s leg up just a bit further, readjusts the angle—
When he moves, so does the rest of the world.
Both of them shudder and moan at the feeling, both cry out when John tries to move faster. Alex steadies himself, gets a tighter grasp around John’s waist and does everything he can to move alongside John, to meet his thrusts in the middle; he revels in the way John gasps and stutters, marvels at how pretty John is when his eyelids flutter, loves the way John looks during sex. Ethereal, his hair messy and partially framing his face from where it’s come out of his ponytail; glowing, whether from sex or from the light inside him or just because. He’s so pretty, he’s beautiful, he’s untouchable and yet Alex gets to touch him here and now, gets to wrap his fingers around John’s biceps and tug him down so that he can press sloppy kiss after kiss to John’s mouth. It’s messy and not really kissing. Their teeth knocks together, they gasp against each other’s mouths, they laugh when they both try to speak. But Alex gets to touch him, ethereal, glowing, and the thought alone could make him fly.
John reaches between them, wraps a hand around Alex’s cock and begins to tug in timing with his thrusts. It’s almost too much, John’s dick in his ass and his dick in John’s hand and John’s warm weight settling over him like a feeling of home he’s never known before. Alex wants to drown in it. He never wants it to end.
He’s sappy and ridiculous and so unbelievably in love with a fool named John Laurens, and the entire situation is unreal. Home, Alex thinks again, and he thinks he might have said it out-loud by the way John gasps in surprise and kisses him in haste.
“Home,” John echoes, and Alex is sure he’s been speaking out-loud almost the entire time.
It only takes another twist of John’s wrist and a few ore thrusts before Alex is coming, hot and gasping for breath, and that’s all it takes for John to follow.
John when he comes is a beautiful sight that Alex is positive he will never get used to.
They’re both still panting by the time John pulls out of him, and for a second all they can do is grin stupidly at each other and laugh when John practically collapses on Alex’s chest.
“I’m so tired,” he whispers dramatically, and Alex presses a kiss to his hairline.
“Glad I can wear you out,” he says drily. John shuts him up with another well-placed sloppy kiss. There’s not much behind it, just a gentle pressing of lips if only because they can. Alex loves those kisses, he loves every kiss, and he wants to discover a thousand more.
After another minute or two, John starts groaning that the afterglow is wearing off as things are drying in places they shouldn’t, and Alex swats at his bare ass as he stands up to go to the bathroom and get them a washcloth to clean off. It’s a nice moment. Alex is glad to have aspects like this—grossly romantic at one part and ridiculously obnoxious in the next. He could never spend a lifetime with someone who didn’t appreciate his annoying behaviors, or who didn’t rise to the occasion of meeting him on his level.
And oh, there’s a thought.
Spending a lifetime.
Alex is sure he could do this for days—spend hours upon hours in bed with John having sex and kissing and talking about their plans for the future. He wants to have countless talks, countless mornings and nights and days spent in bed and days spent traveling, countless breakfasts and lunch and dinners and everything in between. A forever deal, John had said. Forever, as in, never ending. Alex wants that. He wants it with John. For the first time, he’s not afraid of a forever.
John comes back and his steps falter when he sees Alex laying on the bed with the dopiest grin on his face. He smiles fondly back. “Someone’s still enjoying their afterglow,” he teases, but he climbs back into bed and happily cleans Alex up when Alex is too lazy to do it himself.
“Is there such thing as a before-glow?” Alex wonders as John works on cleaning him. John peers at him curiously. “Or, like. A forever-glow? Because I’m pretty fucking blissed out and it has more to do than just the sex—mindblowing, by the way. Not trying to subtract from that.”
John swats at his thigh.
“I’m serious,” Alex laughs, and John throws the washcloth somewhere in the room and settles for cuddling up next to Alex. “I felt this way long before the sex. And I think I’ll feel this way for a long-ass time. A forever-glow. Non-sex related, totally romantic, I’m in love with you for the long haul, forever-glow.”
“You’re so weird,” John says fondly. He nips at Alex’s nose. “It’s a good thing I think you’re fucking sexy, otherwise I wouldn’t tolerate your weirdness.”
“You love me, weirdness and all,” Alex shoots back. “That was part of the agreement in our forever deal.”
John nods theatrically. “You’re right. How could I forget? Our forever deal.”
“And you promised you meant it.”
“I did. Every word.”
Alex tries to take solace in that. He tries to be reassured by the fact that John can’t be swayed, by John’s unwavering determination to be with him for the long haul. And it’s a nice thought. He has a long way to come, a long way to go, and a lot of insecurities to get over along the way.
But John falls asleep in his arms, looking beautiful and young and trusting, and that’s all the reassuring Alex needs. If John can trust him enough to sleep in his arms, countless times, Alex can trust that they’re going to make it through this, for good. No going back, fighting to make things work, a forever deal.
Alex cannot wait for the rest of forever.
“You said earlier you weren’t scared. Did you mean that?”
John takes a shaky breath. “I’m not scared of letting myself love you,” he whispers. The night has grown dark, a full day has past that they’ve spent in each other’s arms. Alex is dizzy with it; the gentleness of the night has made him soft. “I think that loving you will be the greatest thing I’ll ever do. I’m scared… of losing you. Of you walking away, or of something happening to you.”
“I’ll never leave you.”
It’s a vow, and Alex has never meant anything more in his life.
“I know. But sometimes you don’t have a choice. Something could happen, you know? Mom got sick. She didn’t leave, but. She could have. Things happen sometimes. But… I think it’s worse to be scared than to just hope. I love you. You love me. We’ve wasted so much time not saying anything. I want…to enjoy this. So. Any fear I have? It doesn’t matter.”
“I do love you.”
“I know. I love you too.”
It’s quiet for another moment, still except for the noise outside. They hold each other, that’s all that matters for a while.
“Are you scared?”
Alex hesitates. “I—a little. People always leave. I managed to convince myself you didn’t love me and I was ready to run away. I’m just—worried. About myself. And my tendencies to fuck up relationships. You could say one thing and I’d take it another and I could ruin this for us. This perfect, perfect thing we’ve found and created. I don’t want to ruin it. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Alexander, you’re the most important thing I’ve got. I wouldn’t let you get out the door before I’d be on my knees begging you to stay.”
They both smile.
“You’re all I’ve got, too.”
John kisses his nose. “Then it’s a good thing we got each other.”
“Forever.”