Chapter Text
„I´m done.“, Enid says and steps back from my face, finally. I release the breath I was holding for hours, or at least what feels like this. „What took you so long?“, Carl exactly speaks out my thoughts and appears in my field of vision. I smile towards him, but suddenly he gasps loudly and I flinch.
„What the...“ He stares at me. „You look...“
„You´re welcome.“, Enid chuckles softly behind me. Oh god, is it that bad? I don´t even wanna look into the mirror.
But Carl says: „You look really human.“, and as he steps back from the mirror and turns it around so I can see it, I´m speechless.
He´s right, I am... I look human. My usual shaggy hair is combed and my skin isn´t as pale as normally. Even my eyes don´t look as creepy, and if I look close enough I could swear they now look almost blue... I don´t know what Enid did in detail, I closed my eyes earlier as she applied different things on my cheeks and nose and lips. But whatever it is, it works: Especially in the nighttime no one can tell the difference between an actual human and myself.
No we just have to convince everybody that I not only can act and look like a human without make-up, but maybe can change entirely, as the rest of the Walkers can.
We get out of Carl´s house and onto the street, Carl and Enid on both of my sides to guide me through Alexandria. Now it´s really late at night. But it seems like everybody is still awake, even more people than before are running around, heavily armored. Looks like the Boneys really gathered up... And they outnumber the humans easily, they have no chance... I swallow. I have to do something, fast.
As we walk through the community towards the church I saw earlier, I feel Carl´s eyes on my face, so I look down and smile questioningly. As he continues to look at me without saying anything, I ask softly: „What?“
It´s pretty dark, but I could swear I see him blushing in the light of the street lamp. „Nothing.“, he replies, but after a second he adds: „It´s just... You look kind of nice...“
I stare at him. I look kind of nice? I open my mouth to reply something, but Enid tunes in: „There´s your dad, Carl. It´s game time.“ She points towards a small cabin nearby the church, where a couple of men and women are talking to each other. Just as we make our way through the grass growing around the lake, someone suddenly steps in front of us, blocking the way. Immediately I recognize him from Ron´s and my one memory: It´s Daryl, and he looks at me in a way that makes my skin prickle.
„Where are you kids heading at?“, he asks curiously and I look down by reflex. Please don´t let him see my eyes. Please don´t talk to me.
Carl steps forwards and crosses his arms. „To see my dad.“
Daryl squints his eyes and I feel he doesn´t stop examining me. Oh god.
„Actually, we´ve been looking for you. There are several Boneys attacks all around the wall. Seems like they gathered up all together and now want to destroy everything of the safe zone.“ He grunts and scratches the back of his head. „Grab your gun and get ready. Enid too.“ My eyes flicker to her, and she nods with a stern expression. Am I the only one who is afraid that they all will be killed by the Boneys?!
Carl clenches his fists. „But first, I gotta talk to my dad. It´s... important.“
Daryl looks thoughtful, then shrugs and I exhale silently. But then he steps forwards once more and taps against my chest, which makes me flinch hard. „Who the hell are you?“
Say something human. Say something human.
„I-I...“, I begin shakily, but Carl interrupts me and grabs my arm. „He´s new here, he... doesn´t remember his name.“ Daryl looks suspiciously at Carl and asks: „Is he mute or something?“ I duck my head.
Carl sighs and simply walks past him, pulling me with him. Enid is right behind us. „He´s had a trauma, saw his whole family killed by Walkers a few days ago. So leave him alone.“, he mumbles while doing so, and I feel incredibly thankful for his backup.
He stops behind a tree and turns around to face me and Enid. „Wait here, I´ll talk to him alone first.“ I nod, Enid says nothing, but I somehow don´t like the expression on her face...She looks really worried, like she knows that we won´t be able to convince Rick. 7
Carl smiles at me, and I smile back, then he turns around and I instinctively hide behind the tree, even though Enid snorts softly. „You shouldn´t hide while looking like this, you now. After all it was me who made you look good.“
I glance at her, take advantage of Carl not being here right now to admonish me and just shrug.She chuckles.
„Hey, dad.“, I softly hear Carl saying to Rick, who steps away from the group to talk to his son. He looks like in my memory, but a bit older and more tired. I guess he must be really worried about the Boney thing – no wonder, if we don´t somehow find a solution for all of this, they will break through the wall eventually and kill everybody.
I can´t hear the whole conversation due to the shouting around us and the howling wind – but even from behind Carl looks more and more desperate, his hands make fast gestures. Rick shakes his head and seems really angry. Not good.
Enid mumbles: „Shit, he´ll never believe Carl...“ I gotta help him. I straighten up and make a decision. „I´ll... explain.“, I tell Enid. She stares at me. „What... What explain?“ But I just shake my head and walk towards Carl and his father. I got this, I´ll fix everything and then me and Carl will-
Bam.
Without warning, Rick turned around the exact same moment I approached, so he bumps into me and I back up hastily, staring at him with wide eyes.
„R?!“ Carl is by my side in just a second, grabbing my arm and squeezing it hard. I try to hide the urge to shake and try to look determined, but friendly. This is not how I imagined meeting the father of my crush for the first time. „Hi.“, I manage to get out.
Rick glares at me. „Who are you?“
Okay R. Time to introduce yourself to the possibly scariest man in the whole community. Apart from this Daryl of course.
„I-I´m...“ My throat closes and I´m unable to bring out another word. Perfect. I drop my gaze, feeling not only humiliated, but also really really dumb. What´s wrong with you. You made it this far, and now you´re suddenly not able to speak two simple words?
„Is this a Walker?“
Oh god. I look up to find Rick staring at me with wide eyes. Carl helps me once again, and I´m unable to return the pressure of his hand, because I´m so afraid that everything will go wrong and that I´ll die here and now, in any moment.
„This... is R. He saved my life, multiple times.", Carl explains slowly. "He took care of me and... he´s one of the Walkers changing. He-“
All of the sudden Rick takes his gun and points it directly at my face. No. Please. This can´t be happening. Not this way.
„Dad?!“, Carl exclaims and tries to step in front of me to protect me, but Rick grabs my shoulder and pushes me against the wall of the cabin. „Pl-Please...“, I manage to get out. „W-We´re getting better...“
If Rick is surprised that I can speak, he doesn´t show it. He looks at Carl and tightens his grip. „I thought you know how they are... They killed your Mom, Carl.“, he says silently, sounding almost desperate. Carl tries to speak up, but Rick just continues talking. „They don´t get better, it´s just a new trick or... form of them, we have to kill them-“ And he presses the mouth of the gun into my temple. Carl gasps. „Dad, no, please...“ I close my eyes. I´m gonna die without Carl knowing I love him., I suddenly think. He loads the gun.
„I´m sorry, Rick.“ Enid. I open my eyes to see her standing closely behind Rick, pointing her guns towards him. She... saved my life. A feeling of affection towards her overwhelms me. I can´t believe she´s doing that for me. Rick freezes and looks over his shoulder.
„Run, get out of here and be safe. We´ll... take care of the Boneys.“, Enid explains quickly and gives me a stern look, but I can see the worry in her eyes. Carl nods, and without looking at his father again, he takes my hand, pulls me out of Ricks grip and begins to run. „Carl!“, I hear Rick yell, then I hear others screaming questions as well. I somehow match Carl´s speed, while trying to think of a plan to come up with. Shit, everything´s going wrong... „I-I gotta talk to M!“, I manage to scream while running towards the end of the road, where Carl house is. „Where?“, he yells back. „Forest...“, I reply hastily, but he just pulls me towards the fence to the entrance where I entered the community earlier. „Quick, they´ll come after us...“
I nod and follow him as fast as I can. Something inside me tugs and itches; a feeling so uncomfortable but urgent... I don´t know what it is. But the closest I would describe it, is the feeling of having something to do. The feeling to finish something.
I have to take care of everybody´s live, somehow. I have to change everything.
It was only M and a couple of Walkers when I left them, but as Carl and me now approach the dark forest, there are at least forty Walkers, just standing there silently. It´s strange, I wonder where they´d come from, but as I see them gathered together, absolutely peaceful... I have the urge to laugh out loud. It´s wonderful. „Wow...“, Carl whispers besides me, and I simply take his hand and lead him towards the crowd. They won´t hurt him, I just know this as a matter of fact. They´re already changed, somehow. Though some of them look really bad, with missing limbs and black wounds oozing, they all have the same look on their face: Lost, but also curious. Something is definitely happening to them.
And all of this... started with myself? It sounds unbelievable, but it seems this way. Carl and myself started this, and now we have to finish it.
Someone blazes his way through the crowd: M. He mutters silent apologizes, then he stands in front of us, grinning lopsided. „R?“ I nod, still overwhelmed by the number of Biters that are willing to change. „Carl?“, he asks, and Carl mutters softly: „Uhm... hi.“
„We´re ready for... a fight.“, M exclaims. Carl adjusts his hat and nods. „I can see that. But... My people won´t understand that you want to fight the Boneys.“, he adds and I nod in agreement. „You have to... keep them out.“, I tell M and he blinks, opens his mouth to reply, when suddenly a screeching sound is heard in the distance. „They´re here.“, M whispers.
I grip Carl´s hand tighter. „Shit...“, he mumbles and just when the first Boneys reach the crowd and begin to attack the Walkers, we begin to run again.
„We have to get into the zone again, without being seen!“, Carl yells as I try to keep up, but after a few meters something suddenly catches my shoulders and makes me landing on my back. The Boney snarls into my face, trying to tear into my chest.
Carl comes to my help, again. He shoots the Boney, but just as I manage to get up, he´s getting attacked by another skeleton and gets thrown against a tree. The Boney is immediately on him, and though he fights him with all his strength, it doesn´t look like Carl is winning. No! I tremble when I get up, rush to Carl´s side and swipe away the Boney pinning him on the ground. With all my emotions – love towards Carl, anger towards the Boney and so many more – I punch him in the head and crush his skull.
Carl gets up, a bit pale. „C-come...“ I take his hand once again and off we go, to the secret entrance once again.
But the Boneys are right behind us, tough Carl shoots from time to time over his shoulder. And not only that, but now also soldiers are running around in the forest, getting attacked by Boneys. It´s a mess. How are we supposed to fight them?! There are so many...
But we Walkers can help them. And I can´t do anything for them right now, I have to protect Carl!
„Fuck!“, he huffs, as his gun makes a clicking noise, but shoots no more bullets. I shot him a look, then point towards the church in the distance, which now seems abandoned, where not ten minutes before were so many people. „You want to...?“, Carl asks, shakes his head slightly, but we have no choice – At least fifteen Boneys are now on our heels, and they track us to the – at least – open entrance of the church, which is now used as a storage, I notice. „Dad?!“, Carl screams and I turn around while running into the building, seeing Rick, Glenn and some other familiar faces following us. They shoot down the Boneys fortunately, but as a bullet almost hits my head, I realize that they´re also trying to shoot me.
„Shit!“ I stare at Carl, who stopped in the middle of the former church, which aisles are now long gone, then nods towards a inconspicuous door in the back of the cathedral. „This way!“ I follow him without asking, almost falling on my face when I see the stairs beginning right behind the door. I run up the stairs while Carl shuts the door and locks it with his now useless shotgun, and that´s when I realize something: I can run just like a normal person. It´s like in my dream, the stiffness is gone and I move without much effort.
What´s happening to me? Everything´s moving by faster now, it´s like I´ve left my old body behind, like I´m in the memory of a young, healthy human, only – I´m myself. I´m R, the Walker, but... I now not only look, but also move like I´m alive.
I reach the top of the stairs and slam the door in front of me without thinking... and almost fall down the clock tower of the church, at least twenty meters down. I get saved by Carl, who grabs my jacket and pulls me back into the belfry.
I turn around to stare at him with eyes wide open, and I have trouble to breathe properly. „T-Thank...“, I begin, but Carl flinches as the sound of breaking wood is being heard behind us. They broke through the door.
I´m gonna die. This is it. We´ve made it this far, but this is how I am going to die.
Rick and Glenn climb the stairs, pointing their guns towards me from a few meter distance. I can see Daryl and some other armed humans behind him.
Rick´s face is a unreadable mask, but Glenn looks... doubtful. He looks me up and down, but his gun is still pointed towards me.
„Carl.“, Rick says and shakes his head unbelievingly. „What are you doing, son?!“
Suddenly Carl puts his arms around me, hugging me hard. „I´ve opened my eyes, dad.“, he tries desperately to reach his father. „Look at him, he´s different! Can´t you see it?!“ Glenn suddenly speaks up: „Rick, maybe he´s...“
„No.“, Rick cuts him off and straightens his arm that holds the gun. „Carl. Please move, I-I have to shoot him.“
But his son only embraces me more, and I can feel his warmth flooding through me. I can feel life inside me, and suddenly my legs hurt and my mouth´s dry, and everything´s changing and before I can decide not to, I wrap my arms around him and push backwards off the clock tower. I hear Rick scream, but I only focus on holding Carl close to my own body, moving my arms around his waist.
I feel like I´m flying. It doesn´t matter what destiny the ground may bring, it doesn´t matter what´s gonna happen to me. As long as Carl is okay, everything will be fine.
My only purpose right now is to protect him. I don´t care about the Boneys or the humans. In this moment, all that counts is Carl to be safe.
Because I love him with everything I am, with everything that makes me... R. And I´m no monster, I´m no brainless Walker. I´m a Walker who doesn´t want to be one.
We crash on the hard ground and suddenly I can feel everything.
My whole body is on fire. The pain in my back is unbelievable, and as Carl gets off me, shaking me slightly and screaming my name, I can´t do anything but lay there with eyes wide open and stiff body. My lungs burn, my eyes are watering.
„R?! Say something! Please... Oh god...“ I try to answer Carl, but it´s like I´m unable to speak...
Until I realize why: Because I now need air to speak and breath. I open my mouth, breath in, and finally my lungs stop hurting so much.
„R?! Please...“ He touches my face and strokes through my now once again messy hair, his eyes are full of worry and shock.
I feel something in my throat and have to cough, then I slowly sit up and flinch hard while doing that: It hurts even more now. „C-Carl...“, I manage to get out, then I suddenly have to smile and lay a heart on my chest. „I-I...“
He stares at me questioningly, then comes closer with his head and listens closely... to my new heartbeat, that beats strongly in my chest.
I´m alive.
Carl straightens up and glances at me, his mouth opened. I nod and smile softly, even though my body is still in agony from the fall. Without thinking, I place my hand on his cheek and stroke his soft skin with my thumb. He is so perfect. I love him so much, that it makes me forget my wounds.
He looks into my eyes, and it´s like he can see right into my soul. Simultaneously we close our eyes, and our lips touch.
It´s unlike anything I´ve experienced before. The softness, the taste of his lips, his small hand on my aching back, the other hand resting on the back of my hand, playing with my hair. I feel like I should struggle remembering how this works, but it´s the opposite: Everything feels so natural and good. Everything´s perfect.
Suddenly Carl backs up and stares down at his hand in horror. I follow his gaze, still overwhelmed by what just happened.
„You´re... bleeding...“, he says slowly and I realize that my head really really hurts. That´s when I hear Rick running towards us, the others following him heavily armed, ready to fire. I want to get up, explain them that we really can change, that I am the actual living proof – but without a warning, everything goes black and I lose consciousness.