Chapter Text
When Isak woke up he felt like he’d been hit by a bus. Maybe Even hadn’t pulled him out of the road and he actually had been hit by a bus and just couldn’t remember.
Even.
Isak threw an arm out tiredly and found himself groping…his bed. His bed that was seriously lacking in the warm boyfriend department. Even would have been considerably more fun to grope than his rumpled bed sheets.
Sitting up felt like a monumental effort when his body felt like a brick sinking through treacle, but somehow Isak managed it. He didn’t remember taking his jeans off, but when he looked around his room for signs of Even he saw them pooled on the floor at the end of the bed.
The floor near his door was a tangled mess of jumpers and over-shirts leading to the bed and Isak’s cheeks flushed at the memory of haphazardly tugging his clothes off and crumpling onto the bed under Even.
The door was ajar, but Isak definitely remembered Even kicking it closed behind them when they got in. Maybe Even was already up?
The thought of leaving the cosiness of the bed was almost painful, but the more awake Isak became the more aware he became of the amazing smells coming from the other side of his door. As if telling him to get his ass into gear and out of bed, his stomach began to growl demandingly. And then it was all Isak could do to think of something other than how hungry he was.
How long had he been asleep?
He crawled down to the end of the bed and fumbled for his jeans to fish his phone out of the pocket. A quick glance at the screen told him it was almost noon.
Well.
Shit.
Isak pulled in a deep breath and forced himself up off the bed. He grabbed one of Even’s jumpers off the floor and pulled it over his head, feeling a little better about leaving his empty bed now he was engulfed in the smell of his boyfriend. He grabbed some sweatpants and pulled them on as he went out into the flat, because fuck if it was warm enough for just boxers.
Following his nose lead Isak straight into the kitchen, much to the happiness of his incessantly grumbling stomach. He paused in the doorway for a few seconds, shamelessly admiring the view.
Even was indeed already up; stood at the counter chopping something Isak couldn’t see, his head bobbing along with the radio. He looked like he had already showered – no couples shower today then, Isak thought sadly – and he looked far too good for someone who was only wearing jeans and a hoody.
“Good morning, sleeping beauty.” Isak could hear the grin in Even’s voice, even if he couldn’t see it yet.
“Morning.” Isak shuffled towards Even, intent on worming between the counter and his boyfriend for a good morning kiss.
“Afternoon, actually!” Eskild trilled as he breezed into the kitchen with an empty mug. Startled, Isak froze where he was stood: halfway between the kitchen door and Even.
“Ah, leave him alone. He needed sleep.” Even laughed, shooing Eskild out jokingly. “Leave the mug. I’ll do it with the rest.” He added when Eskild tried to get to the sink.
“Are you sure?” Eskild asked dubiously, looking from Even to a still frozen Isak.
“Yes.” Even repeated his shooing motion before taking the mug from Eskild and placing it next to the sink pointedly. Isak’s sleep fogged brain was finally catching up with what was happening and he frowned over at Even. He definitely felt like he was missing something.
“You might as well sit down, babe, food’s almost ready. I was going to bring it to you in bed, but-”
“We could still eat it in bed!” Isak interjected quickly, unconvinced that Eskild wasn’t eavesdropping just beyond the kitchen door. Something was niggling at his brain and it was telling him that he was going to want privacy for whatever Even was scheming.
“If that’s what you want.” Even smiled over at him briefly before focusing back on the food, scooping what looked like chopped peppers and maybe ham off the chopping board and onto the awaiting eggs. With a quick flurry of movement he folded the eggs and flipped it over, shooting a wink at Isak as the pan hissed.
“Can you get a plate?” Even nodded towards the cupboard, as if he was stood in his own kitchen and Isak was the guest, and Isak found himself grinning at the domesticity of it all. He grabbed one of the bigger plates – because, as Isak had learned the hard way, Even had no sense of portion control – and fished out a couple of forks as Even plated up enough omelette to feed half of Oslo.
After making themselves some coffee the boys retreated back to Isak’s room, and Isak found himself letting out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding as he closed the door behind them, sealing them in their bubble away from the world again. They made themselves comfortable under the duvet, balancing the plate on their pressed together legs.
The quiet as they ate wasn’t uncomfortable, but even when they playfully crossed forks pretending to fight for a certain bit of food Isak could feel tension rippling just beneath the surface. He decided they could at least enjoy their breakfast before anything serious happened, and Even seemed happy enough to go along with that, so they ate in silence until the plate was cleared.
“You want to talk about yesterday.” Isak guessed, his hands wrapped around his mug of coffee to stop them from anxiously fiddling, as Even set the empty plate on the floor.
“Partly, yeah.” Even nodded as he sat back up, wrapping an arm around Isak’s shoulders and settling against him. It wasn’t much, it couldn’t even be called a hug, but that simple contact was enough to soothe some of Isak’s nerves.
“People are worried about you, Issy.” Even started, planting a soft kiss against the top of Isak’s head.
“I’m fine.” The words were out of Isak’s mouth before he could stop them, a kneejerk reaction. “Sorry.” He muttered, not even needing to look at Even to know he wasn’t impressed.
“Baby,” Even took a breath, his hand tightening on Isak’s shoulder. “You could have died yesterday. You just walked into the road. But even if that hadn’t happened, not sleeping is a big deal. I thought it was getting a bit easier lately?” Even glanced down at Isak questioningly, searching his face for some kind of hint.
“It was.” Isak sighed, setting his coffee down on the cabinet in favour of curling himself closer to Even. “All those things you said helped. Especially the no phone or laptop in bed one.” Isak squeezed Even’s hand, trying to express how grateful he was for Even’s help.
“But not for long?” Even guessed, skimming his fingers up and down Isak’s bare arm in feather light touches.
“No.” Isak hated how small he sounded, how small he felt. Why couldn’t his stupid brain just let him sleep? Everyone else on the damn planet seemed to be able to just go to sleep at night and wake up well rested, why was that such an impossible thing for him to do?
“I can hear those cogs grinding in your head, Issy.” Even teased gently as he kissed the top of his head, temporarily soothing Isak’s internal frustration. “It isn’t your fault. Loads of people deal with insomnia. We just need to figure out what works for you.”
“We?” Isak repeated, a small smile playing around the corners of his mouth.
“Duh. Relationships are about helping each other, not just you looking after me all the time.” Even rolled his eyes, but there was no trace of joking in his voice.
“Okay.” Isak nodded, tracing shapes over the front of Even’s shirt. He didn’t really know what to say. He didn’t know what he needed to be able to sleep. Sometimes he could, and sometimes he just lay awake at night for no god damn reason. How could something with no detectable pattern be helped?
Isak didn’t really notice how long they sat like that in silence, too lost inside his own head. It was Even who eventually shattered the quiet.
“You said something last night that I wanted to talk about too.” Isak could feel Even’s heart beating faster under his fingertips as he spoke.
“I did?” Isak sat up a bit to look at Even properly. He didn’t really remember much of last night, so he was praying he hadn’t said something embarrassing.
“Yeah.” Even nodded, looking straight at the wall opposite rather than at Isak’s face. That was enough to make Isak’s heart throb nervously.
“You wanna elaborate?” Isak wasn’t even sure he wanted the answer but he asked anyway.
“When I suggested that you maybe see a professional? After you told me you’d seen the school doctor?” Even probed, trying to spark Isak’s memory. Isak couldn’t recall Even asking him about that at all, but he felt his blood run cold regardless.
“No.” Isak’s voice came out firmer than he expected considering his insides felt like they’d turned to water. “I don’t need to see anyone like- like that.” He cursed himself internally for faltering over his words, knowing Even would pick up on it.
“Yeah, that’s pretty much what you said last night.” Even nodded, finally pulling his gaze away from the wall and to Isak’s unsettled face. Even took a breath, as if he was bracing himself for what he was about to say.
“You know I’ve seen a therapist before, right?” Even was searching his face, so Isak knew that Even saw the way he flinched. Isak wanted to crawl into a hole and die seeing the hurt look that bloomed over Even’s beautiful features.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Isak swallowed. He didn’t really know what to say to Even’s confession, but when he reached out to take Even’s hand and Even jerked it back Isak’s heart fell right through his stomach.
He’d fucked up.
“Even, I-”
“No.” Even interrupted. “I’m going to talk first, and you’re not going to try to say sorry until you’ve listened, okay?” Even looked so serious that Isak only just managed to nod his head in response. His heart was thundering against his ribcage waiting for Even to tell him that he’d had enough of Isak’s bullshit.
“Yeah, I went to a therapist. And yeah, I felt really shitty at the time and I felt like going to therapy was way too over the top for some teenager who just couldn’t keep his shit together, but you know what? Therapy was a really good experience for me. Yeah it sucked to have to talk about all the hard stuff in my head, but in the end it helped me see what triggers me and how I can look after myself so I don’t end up in therapy again.
You think I thought of all those things to help you sleep on my own? No! I learned them when I was in therapy because I was having trouble sleeping and I didn’t know what to do. There’s nothing shameful about therapy, Isak, I don’t know what experience you’ve had or what you’ve heard but therapy isn’t going into some 1950’s mental institution and having some creepy old guy tell you that you’re fucked up because your parents didn’t love you and you should just get over it.
Where I went, it was in my GP surgery and you wouldn’t even know it was a therapist in there to look at it. I didn’t have to lie on some stupid couch and talk about my childhood like stupid shows like to make it out to be. I sat in a normal chair and so did she and we just talked and she helped me figure a lot of stuff out about my bipolar and how to live with it. I don’t regret going to therapy, Is. I don’t shout it from the rooftops either, but I’m not ashamed of it.
Sometimes you just need help; there’s nothing wrong with that. And it’s not like we live in America with your dick of an uncle; I never had to worry about affording to go to therapy or the doctor for my meds or any of that. Help is out there, Isak, and it’s free and it’s not as weird as the media likes to make it out to be, I promise.”
For a second, all Isak can do was stare at his boyfriend in stunned silence.
“I’m finished now, promise.” Even smiled sheepishly and Isak let out a weak laugh.
“You just- you make it sound so easy.” is all Isak managed to say once he found his voice again.
“It wasn’t.” Even shook his head and took Isak’s hand. Thank god, was all Isak could think as relief rushed through him. His blood still felt cold in his veins from seeing Even jerk away from his touch. Even’s fingers tangled between his own again was slowly bringing the warmth back to his heart.
“It wasn’t easy at all, Isak. I dug my heels in so hard to start with. I would pretend to be sick to try to make my mum let me stay home, and I’d sit in silence with the therapist because I had no idea what the hell to say to her. I told her I wasn’t crazy so I didn’t need her and it was just a waste of our time.” Even shook his head, his eyes focused on their joined hands.
“You’re not crazy!” the words flew from Isak’s mouth with more vehemence that he intended and he felt his face flush when Even looked up at him.
“I know,” Even grinned. “It’s nice to hear you say it though.” He added and Isak tightened his grip on Even’s hand.
“My mum used to go to therapy. Or something like it.” Isak blurted out. Even just raised an eyebrow at him, giving him time to continue.
“She-” Isak could feel his throat closing up as he tried to explain it. Just thinking about remembering those days made his heart clench painfully in his chest.
“I’ve got you.” Even murmured. “C’mon.” Even lay down and, despite his recent breakfast still filling his stomach, Isak lay down with him and allowed himself to feel the comfort of being wrapped in Even’s arms with his head resting in the soft slope where Even’s neck met his shoulder.
Isak took a deep breath and Even ran his fingers soothingly through Isak’s curls, giving little scratches to Isak’s scalp that almost had him melting into a puddle there and then.
“She hated it. She’d scream and shout at my dad when he told her it was time to go, and I’d just watch him drag her out of the house to the car to go to her appointments. And when she came back…” Isak trailed off, his chest contracting painfully. Even hugged him impossibly closer.
“She was so quiet and dejected and she wasn’t anything like the mum I knew. She just seemed so beaten down and sad. And dad looked so tired when he brought her back, even though they’d only be gone for like three or four hours.” Isak shook his head, trying to will away the tears pricking at his eyes.
“I hated it. She hated going and it didn’t do anything good for her, and she had more episodes anyway. It felt like I was just watching her be tortured; first by her brain and then by her doctor and my dad by making her go to those appointments.” Isak’s voice caught on a sob at that and Even made a low noise in the back of his throat.
“I’m sorry, baby.” Even whispered into Isak’s hair, practically pulling Isak on top of him in a hug. Isak went willingly, pressing close to Even and burying his face in the crook of his neck. He hated crying, alone or in front of anyone, but he knew Even could feel him trembling and the few hot tears trickling from his eyes were dripping straight down Even’s neck and down into his hairline.
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Even continued, rocking Isak slowly from side to side. He should have felt stupid; he was almost 18 and being rocked like a baby by his boyfriend. He didn’t feel stupid, though. He felt safe.
“I’m sorry your mum had to go through that too. But not everyone’s experience getting help is that traumatic, baby, I promise.” Even kissed the crown of Isak’s head again, wishing for the hundredth time that he could love the pain right out of Isak’s heart.
They lay like that for a while: pressed as close together as they could get, Even giving Isak as many comforting touches as he could and Isak pushing those memories back into the part of his brain that he kept hidden away.
Even wasn’t really expecting much more from Isak today, but his boy was nothing if not full of surprising reserves of strength.
“If- if I did go to someone like- like that,” Isak began hesitantly, shyly looking up at Even through his lashes. “Would you go with me?” Isak’s nervous eyes flickered away from Even’s face and Even could see the blush creeping up Isak’s neck and over his face at this moment of vulnerability.
“For you, Issy, I’d walk through fire.”
It wasn’t a solid plan. It was barely a commitment. But it was a promise.
A promise that Isak would try, even though his second-hand experience of therapy was violent and painful.
It was a promise that, as soon as Isak was ready, Even would be there every step of the way to keep the hurt at bay.