Chapter Text
17th Ferventis, Vigil's Keep
"Your highness! What brings you to place like this especially in these unexpected time?" she heard mumbled behind her door. She recognize that voice belonging to seneschal of this keep.
"My duties, sir! I am looking for the Warden-Commander of Ferelden's grey wardens. I have just few questions and I want to officially say welcome to our new leaders of wardens." when she heard that words she just lost her own. Six years but pain in her heart can't be lost even after that time. She already feel like anguish has fillen her heart.
"I do not know what will happen tomorrow when the landsmeet is over, but I-... we should-... I want to say just -ugh" Alistair slightly coughed and she saw how his chest was inflates, obviously because what he gonna say requires greater courage. "Well you know, Ferelden need a heir and I-... I am already a royal bastard and half-efl too!" What he was thinking? She was born as elf into this world! Not him! She was that one who must suffer all of that disparagement of her race. At least he hasn't sharp ears. No one will call him a knife-ears slave like her and others in same kind. She knew what he wanted to say, she knew it a long time ago. Everyone knows that will happens after all. She was a elf and grey warden too. That's too much for everyone. She was stupid and blind when she wasn't listening what Wynne told her. Maybe if she was listening, maybe it would not hurt it now, maybe... No it is not matter now. She was naive and deeply desired for someone who will love her as her father loved her mother. No these thoughts wasn't important right now, because she already knows what he want told her, in spite of all that promises what he claimed those nights under tent.
"Alistair-" she told more gently although her heart was in flame. " I know what you want to say-... I mean I understand you duties but-..." She saw flash of confusion in his eyes just for moment. He don't want it! He don't want it too but he did it! He speaking that words. Trying to say it to her, trying to break his promises whose he gave it to her in those nights. Promises which was means for their future. Future where they would be together. Unfortunately, it seems that none of this will happen.
"Evril-" he said it so passionately but that word coming from his mouth make her pain more than hurts what she experienced as a child. He raised his arms to catch her cheek but she step away. His hand go down as his shoulders and she can told myself that he must feel so miserable. If she allows him to touch her that touch will hurt more as she can handle it. "I don't want it! I never want to be a king and you know that!" he raised his voice " You was the one who put me into this! You made your own decision to involve me into this-..." he showed the around with his arms while she Realized that all the space around it slowly choked her. "This all-" she heard as he heavily exhaled. "Eamon says it would be better when we- ... When we ending what all of us could destroy" She thought knows how it will hurt, but she was wrong. That pain was incredible, suddenly it seems that everything around her was irrelevant and all she wanted is escape. Run from this chaos. Run from this damn castle. From city. Especially from him. from her love. Love which was mean a whole life for her. "Believe me, please-... I don't wan it!" he raised his voice as he passed his hand through hair. "After our time together I realised that the only thing I've always wanted, which I wanted with my whole life was wakes up every morning next to you but ... " His gaze fell to the feet, little wish that she could disappear like soul in fade. Hide myself away and request Maker let the pain and frustration passes. She feel tears gather in corners of her eyes. - You cannot cry! no! he is not worthy of it! - she repeated the words in her head like a mantra, words that should make her strong again. "I do not know what to say, I do not know how to express myself. If I will reigned so there is no way how we could be together, except-... well- ... -ehm " Despite situation, that bastard let suggestion her this? Make his personal mistress from her? "You know, there is one possibility way. Although we cannot be together officially as a couple, I mean in public. But- ..." Hope that he's not thinking that she will continue to do delight for him in the shadow of someone else ?! She isn't angry right now, but she is disappointing what he is suggested. - what if I mean to him like temporary pleasure during whole time? I am so stupid that I fell for him - comes to her mind.
"No!" She said sharper than she wish. She felt that her whole body is on fire. Thanks him. "We end it now, without a future. I do not-..." her voice failed as she looked down. "Consider it as forgotten. As if we've never met before" - Like those days when we were together never happened - tried to suppress her emotions, but she failed. "Don't worry. After landsmeet you never see me again. You can forgot me as you wish" She turned away when he grabbed her hand. His previously touches been feeling so fine, but now it burned on the forearm.
"I don-... I dont want forget about you. " he stuttered " I love you and I always will, please allow me to see you again after all. I need to know that you are okay when it all ends. Maybe I manage to persuade Eamon and we may find a common path-... " Another deep sigh as she saw that he dropped his shoulders. She never seen him so dejectedly before, but it meant nothing to her now.
"The choice you already made, that choice was mean to be ours!" she must keep calm and end this conversation before she fell apart. She make deep breath and try to make her voice stable "I guess you should consider this as our last goodbye" She cannot resist it further, all the emotion she try to hold come to light. All that time with him, everything that she felt for him was suddenly gone, far away from her. From her heart just because of one's choice. - Maker, give me the strength to leave with pride, please give me that strength - she felt ashamed. Ashamed of myself, as her tears flowed down before a person which knows it slides gone. From man of whom she thought loved her. She looked away and blinked letting get the tears from her eyes. She snatched from his grasp forearm and walked gone. Away from it with a sense of sadness, a feeling of betrayal.
"Evril!" she can heard pain in his voice "My love. Please, I'm so sorry. Don't leave me here alone, without you" She could feel his eyes on her back. He must be staring. So she tried to swallow bitter in her throat and gather the last strength of her own pride and turned around to face him.
"Goodbye Your Majesty" attempt to slight bowing before future king. She wanted to humiliate him. Neither a king cannot have what he want. She couldn't say nothing more. The last time she looked into his eyes before she left. She saw starting tears and pain. But not more as her own.
She had to go, make sure to be prepared for what's coming. Forget about what happened. Forget the last few months and prepare for the final battle.
She heard some minor knock on the door and she tried to prepare yourself for what will come. Taking some deep breath and looked out the window. Sun was going down and the sky is poured with last flicker of golden color. She found herself wondering if his eyes after so much time still maintain their beautiful colors. - Don't do it! Don't think about him like that! he already left you once and he is here only because of his own obligation! - She hoped that when he will step inside she will have enough strength to turn around and face to him. She couldn't let be herself defeated of her own fears and desires.
"Commander! Let me introduce myself. I am the K-..." he was saying it while he opening door and she could hear as his breath was stopped by looking on her back. She figured out that he recognized her. Suddenly she felt so small and naked before this man. Of course just emotionally. She will never take down clothes before this bastard again. And in one moment she want to disappear. "Oh Maker, it's y-..." his gaze was cutting her. He still not said her name but she already felt as her knees go weak. She slowly turn around and see his looks. He was staring at her like she was some kind of idol what evoke a fear to him.
"It's honor to me saying welcome you, Your Highness" said with the most sharpest tone and try to make eye contact with him. She hoped that he will not heard her weakness in her voice because she needed to end this so sooner as she can before he find out...
Just Maker knows what she was expecting to see on his face. Maybe afraid? Disappointment? But she certainly wasn't expecting this slowly raising smile on his face.
"My Evril" he said with exhausted voice.