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i. the shrill ring of his phone jolted adam awake unpleasantly, and in the cramped apartment, almost caused him to bang his head against the wall. heart still beating from the rude awakening, adam rubbed a hand over his weary eyes, and, after realizing the phone wasn’t going to stop any time soon, fumbled around in the dark until he grabbed it and picked up. he still hadn’t gotten used to the ringtone of the godawful phone gansey had bought him – another ‘gift’ adam had unwilling to accept, until after weeks of gansey trying it mysteriously appeared in his apartment.
“hello?” he sighed. he heard heavy breathing on the other side of the line before ronan responded,
“parrish?”
“jesus, ronan, it’s – it’s, what-“ adam propped himself up on his side, turned on his meager lamp, and checked his watch (it read 2:11 am), “-it’s like two in the morning!” biting his lip to stop himself from sounding irritated, he sighed again. “what do you want?”
“i was thinking, gansey’s out of town for that thing for his mom, so you could come over and help me with latin or something,” ronan’s voice sounded breathier than usual.
“ronan, you’re way better than me in latin and you know it. how the hell would i help?”
“fine, i’d help you with latin, you could help me with chemistry or some shit.” it was probably just adam’s exhaustion screwing with him, but he could’ve sworn ronan sounded almost desperate.
“ronan, it’s two in the morning!”
“ok, fine, fuck it, i take it back,” adam’s heart twinged.
adam sighed. “i’ll be over in ten.”
“lynch, it’s three in the morning, i don’t care that much what the difference between a gerund and gerundive is. you need sleep.”
adam glanced up from his textbook. for a second, ronan looked utterly defeated, but as he made eye contact with adam, he hardened his features into his usual glare. adam cleared his throat.
“yeah, okay, you should go, then, i guess,” ronan clenched his jaw.
adam stared at him for a moment. “is it okay if i crash here tonight? i’m too tired to drive.” adam saw simultaneously the visible relief in ronan’s face and the sudden fear.
“yeah, i guess. you want noah’s room?” adam nodded and headed over.
--
he wasn’t asleep when the whimpering began. it started out softly, and got louder. despite never having witnessed it before, adam understood immediately. for the second time that night, he climbed out of bed and went to join ronan.
ronan lay on his bed, duvet kicked off, fingers clenching the bottom of his faded shirt. with every cry, his body convulsed slightly. adam’s heart hurt. this was why he’d been called over, when gansey was away and ronan clearly didn’t actually want to do homework. adam picked the duvet up off the floor and pulled it over ronan’s body, and then he sat down at the foot of the bed and waited.
ii. this time, adam was sitting at his desk, hair still wet from the shower, staring blankly at an english essay he still had to write when gansey called.
“adam!” gansey’s voice called out cheerfully through the phone.
“gansey.” adam responded a little less cheerfully. “what’s up?”
“i want to go cave hunting again. blue and i are at the same cave as last week right now, do you think you can come?” adam could feel gansey grinning through the phone.
“uh, sure. i don’t have my car, though…” adam trailed off.
“oh, don’t worry, ronan already offered to drive you.” gansey replied.
“ronan, what? lynch did what?” adam uttered a grunt of disbelief.
“i know, he offered to do something charitable for the first time in his life. miracles really do exist,” gansey quipped. adam smiled and hung up the phone.
“hey, lynch?” adam murmured over the sound of the bmw’s engine revving.
“hmm?” ronan reached to turn down the ear-shatteringly bad metal music he’d been blasting.
“when you offered to pick me up, you didn’t know i didn’t have my car.” adam said it as a statement, not a question.
“no.” ronan said almost as quietly, and adam noticed his cheeks tinging red.
“so why’d you suggest it?”
“get fucking sick of driving alone.” he muttered, and that was that.
iii. “adam, you coming?” ronan asked as the three boys loitered on the sidewalk outside aglionby. it was one of the rare days one could actually catch ronan in his uniform.
“hm? where?” adam looked up from his feet. he needed new shoelaces.
“anywhere. gansey got roped into helping maura with something, so it’s really up to you.”
“well, i have to study, so,” adam responded awkwardly. it wasn’t that he didn’t want to spend time with ronan, he did. he really did, actually, that was the problem. he’d turned into a fucking cliché, but seeing ronan made his heart flip, and he didn’t know if he could handle him alone.
“right. fuck, well, some other time.” ronan turned to go.
“library, maybe? or monmouth?” the words spilled out of adam’s mouth before he could stop himself.
despite his cool demeanor, ronan grinned. “monmouth it is.”
iv. it was 11:52 pm, and ronan and adam were sprawled on the floor of adam’s tiny apartment, shoving fries into their mouths, and ronan was talking shit about some aglionby teacher who was failing him. adam wasn’t really listening: he was busy staring at ronan, the way he talked with his hands, how animated he got despite trying to pretend he’d never cared about anything in his life. mostly, though, adam was trying to work up the courage to do the scariest thing he’d ever done.
“ronan?” adam stopped him mid-sentence. “i was wondering if, do you think that, um, this might be, you know, but do you like, i mean, uh, do you want, uh-“
and suddenly ronan’s lips were on his and he wasn’t entirely sure who had done what first but he was kissing ronan he was kissing ronan he was kissing ronan!!! and it felt like a dream and it felt like coming up for air and drowning all at once and it was by far the best thing he’d ever done. ronan pulled away.
“what were you saying?” he smirked.
adam bit his lip. “i, uh, i don’t remember.”
ten minutes and several kisses later, adam stopped. “do you want to stay here tonight? we don’t have to do anything, obviously, but like, sleep?”
ronan grinned.
ronan, engulfed in one of adam’s old sweatshirts, lay next to adam on the bed.
“gnight, adam,” he sighed.
“night, lynch,” adam said, before grabbing his hand.
“hey, fuck off!” ronan laughed, but he grinned nonetheless.
“just making sure nothing bad happens to ya,” adam said sleepily.
v. “ronan, what happened?” adam demanded as he picked at the skin around his fingernails, a coping mechanism he’d developed when he still lived with his parents.
“nothing. i don’t want to talk about it.” ronan said shortly. he was covered in red scratches, all up his arms, shoulders, neck and back, with a bruised eye and a split lip.
“seriously, this isn’t funny, what happened? are you okay?” adam’s thumb started to bleed as he worked away more of the skin.
“i don’t want to fucking talk about it.” ronan responded, shoving past adam and gansey and into the throng of students. adam knew he wasn’t angry, just sad and a little scared, but that fact just made him more worried.
“gansey, what the hell happened?” adam turned to him.
gansey ran a hand through his hair. “i don’t know, man, i came home during the middle of one of his dreams and he looked like that. i woke him up, but it was pretty scary.”
“why didn’t you call me?” adam asked incredulously.
“he, uh, i was going to. he asked me not to.” adam started at him. “are you two a thing?”
adam broke eye contact with him. “yeah. i mean, i guess, yeah,”
gansey started at adam. “he probably didn’t want you to see him like that.”
vi. adam heaved in air, shoulders moving up and down, struggling for breath. “is this what a panic attack feels like?” he asked between breaths.
“yeah.” ronan responded.
“i can’t, um, i thought it would be easier, i thought it would be okay, this doesn’t usually happen, but he made me-“
“hey. you’re here. with me. he cannot hurt you. he doesn’t hold any power over you. you are your own.” in a rare soft moment, ronan grabbed adam’s hand and rubbed circles with his thumb while adam wiped away a tear.
“i think, uh, i think you should go. you don’t need to, mm, whatever this is. i’m fine, i promise,” adam pulled away, blinking furiously, chest still rising and falling too fast.
“adam. it’s me, okay? i’m here.” and that was that.