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Chapter Text

Chapter Seven:  Over the Rainbow

An hour and a half later......

Dean leaned against the glass watching Sam with his small son. Dean could see that the baby was still attached to a myriad of wires and tubes but Sam had been allowed to remove the child from the incubator and cradle him in his arms. A nurse hovered close by surreptitiously monitoring the visit and keeping an eye on the array of blinking machines that surrounded the now empty incubator. Dean could see Sam's mouth moving as he obviously whispered soothing words to the sleeping child. He smiled at the sight of Sam with his son.

As he watched Sam run a finger gently down the child's tiny face, Dean suddenly felt an irrational stab of jealously and turned away from the viewing window. The small baby wrapped in Sam's arms should have been their child and Dean couldn't help the wave of sadness that washed over him and his stomach clenched with the ache of longing. He determinedly pushed away the small part of him that still hated Sam for his betrayal. Dean slumped down in one of over-stuffed chairs in the small waiting room and stared up at the ceiling lost in his own thoughts.

It had taken him over half an hour to calm Sam down and persuade him up off the floor. He had then hauled him into the nearest bathroom making him splash water on his reddened and tear stained face. Once satisfied that Sam didn't look too much like road kill, Dean had taken Sam firmly by one hand and half-dragged his reluctant brother along the impersonal hospital corridors and up three floors back to the baby unit. Along the way, Dean kept turning back towards Sam giving him the occasional reassuring smile. Sam rewarded him with small smiles of his own although Dean could clearly see the fear and panic reflected in his brother's pale eyes. He tightened his grip of Sam's hand trying to relay his reassurance by touch.

Dean didn't know how his relationship with Sam stood, didn't know what was going to happen, wasn't even sure he still wanted a loving or sexual relationship with Sam but for the first time in months, a strong determination filled him as he walked through the corridors, Sam in tow. The feeling throbbed through his body making him feel strong and resolute, echoes of the real Dean Winchester slowly surfacing through his pain and confusion. At the same time, the renewed energy distracted him from thoughts of Sam's small son. Sam's child was another unknown that he didn't feel able to deal with at the moment so Dean pushed all thoughts and feelings deep down inside him. He would deal with them later, much later, even though his little voice accused him of being a coward.

Bobby had met them at the doors to the baby unit, a relieved look on his face. He had hustled them both over to the couches in the waiting room, making them sit down next to each other. Before Bobby could say anything, Alex's paediatrician had joined them. Sam had flinched and visibly straightened up, the fear returning full force to his expression and his hand gripping Dean's tightly. Dean sensed that Sam was torn between running and staying so he squeezed his hand trying to reassure his brother again through touch. His protective instincts kicked in automatically and Dean had narrowed his eyes at the doctor, taking a moment to study him carefully - his body language, his expression - and decided that the news was probably going to be good and he had squeezed Sam's hand again. Not realising, until that moment, how tense he had been himself Dean took a deep breath and forced his whole body into his usual lazy and untidy slouch hoping that his more relaxed poise would migrate to Sam and help to calm him.

Making sure that he had all their attention, the doctor had then proceeded to explain the situation. Alex had apparently developed a chest infection that had been causing some minor breathing problems, a common occurrence in premature babies the doctor had quickly assured Sam. Sam had visibly relaxed but his grip of Dean's hand remained firm. The doctor had then smiled broadly informing them that Alex appeared to be responding positively and rapidly to the intravenous antibiotic treatment but that the infection would delay his transfer to a normal ward for a few days. Alex would be staying in the baby care unit, as a precaution, for the time being. At the direct and slightly angry question from Bobby, the doctor had blushed slightly but had profusely apologised for his staffs' cold and unsympathetic behaviour towards Sam saying that they hadn't meant to panic or upset him in any way but at the time their priority had been treating Alex. Sam had nodded in understanding but remained silent. The doctor had finished up his explanation telling Sam that he would be able to visit and sit with his son. That had been over forty-five minutes ago.

Dean scrubbed a hand over his face. He was tired and didn't really know why he was still at the hospital. For Sam his annoying little voice kept telling him over and over. Bobby had disappeared on a coffee and sandwich run so he was alone with his thoughts. They swirled around his head making Dean feel dizzy and sick. He was confused all over again and didn't know what to do. He desperately wanted to be the real Dean Winchester again, had felt a stirring of his old self when he had been dragging Sam down the hospital corridors. Dean sighed to himself - big brother he could do, it came naturally to him as he had been doing it all his life. But lover and life partner, he was less sure of. Dean knew Sam needed him and if he was truthful he needed Sam. He shook his head feeling even more confused than ever. Lover or brother - Dean knew that he had to choose but the choice wasn't as easy as it sounded. His ragged emotions were in danger of overwhelming him all over again, and Dean put it down to being so close to Sam again. He wanted to be close to Sam but it hurt. Dean scrubbed his hand over his face again suddenly feeling even more weary, drained and battered.

Dean was startled out of his reverie by Sam standing in front of him. He cocked his head to one side as his eyes looked Sam up and down. He had expected some sort of change but Sam was still the same person he had always been, the same person that Dean still loved. Still tall and gangly with an untidy mop of hair framing his sharp angular face. His eyes were still red and puffy from crying and he looked tired, the dark circles under his eyes accentuated his weariness but there was still a hint of the old Sam reflected in his pale eyes. He had obviously lost a lot of his pregnancy weight and Dean guessed that Sam would be back to his normal weight in no time. "Hey," he said giving Sam a small smile.

"The nurses say Alex is doing OK," Sam beamed happily. "Must be those stubborn-assed Winchester genes."

Dean gave Sam a small wan smile. "That's really good Sammy," he agreed pleased that the tiny baby was doing OK and if he was honest with himself, Dean was also pleased to see Sam smiling and relaxed.

"Do you wanna come in with me?" Sam asked shifting nervously from foot to foot. "And meet him? I asked and the nurse said it would be OK."

Dean sighed. He had been expecting the question. "No Sammy," he said softly. "I don't think... you know that I can. I want to... for you.... but..... but I just can't. OK?" Dean glanced sideways, not able to look at Sam but not missing the look of disappointment that flashed across his brother's face. Dean felt immediately guilty but knew that he wouldn't be able to control his battered emotions and he really didn't think he could face meeting Sam's son just yet.

Sam's face fell not able to contain his disappointment at Dean's answer. He knew he was being selfish again and had half-expected Dean's answer, but a little part of him had hoped that his brother would agree to meet Alex. "OK," he replied softly. "I understand," he forced himself to say.

"Do you?" Dean couldn't help asking raising an eyebrow at his brother. He jumped to his feet and started to pace up and down. Dean could feel all his anger, pain and hurt re-surfacing once again. Dean clenched his fists in a desperate attempt to control himself as he really didn't want to argue with Sam. He wanted to run, to hide, to get himself under control.

"I.... I," Sam stuttered blushing bright red. He knew Dean better than anyone in the whole world, had sensed that his brother was just about holding onto to his emotions and probably his temper. Sam silently cursed his stupidity. He had done it again, taken it for granted that Dean would do what he asked, what he wanted. And after he had promised himself that he would never ever take his brother for granted again, that he would spend his life putting things right, if only Dean would give him a second chance. "I'm sorry Dean," Sam said softly, apologetic. "I didn't mean to... well you know.. hurt you."

Dean stopped in front of Sam and glared. His anger pulsed through his body but suddenly, as though a switch had been flicked, Dean felt it drain out of him. He sighed wearily. "I know Sammy," he murmured not able to keep the defeat out of his tone. "I know you didn't."

Sam wanted to reach out and hold his brother but he was afraid that his advances would be rejected and he didn't know if he would be able to bear that. Dean looked so defeated and beaten. Sam took the moment of silence between them to take a good hard look at his brother. He hadn't really before, too lost in his own misery and worry about Alex to really notice anything, even what day it was. But now that Alex was improving he wanted to concentrate his efforts on his brother. What he saw shocked him and Sam knew that he was responsible. His guilt churned in his stomach as he ran his eyes up and down his brother's body. Dean was a pale reflection of his former self. His face was ashen which made his freckles stand out starkly against the pale skin. One eye was blackened and Sam could see healing yellowish bruises on one cheek. Although still well muscled, Dean had obviously dropped at least twenty pounds in weight and Sam noted yet more yellow/black bruises on both arms. He frowned wondering how Dean had come to get the bruises. Dean's clothes hung loosely on him and his green eyes, usually so alive with mischief and humour, were dull and lifeless. He couldn't help himself and Sam's mouth dropped open in horror. He had done this to his brother. To Dean who he loved more than anything in the whole world. His disgust and hate for himself went up a notch and he wrapped his arms around himself. Sam would never forgive himself for hurting Dean.

Dean shifted uncomfortable with his brother's obvious scrutiny of him. He had hoped that Sam wouldn't notice but knew that he had been fooling himself. He looked like crap, worse than road kill, and Dean could see the look of self-hate in Sam's eyes. Dean could feel his anger bubbling under the surface again, anger at himself, anger at Sam. He folded his arms against his chest, in a defiant motion, and glared at his brother again. "Tell you what Sammy," Dean snapped. "Let's not do this now? " he said turning away from his brother. "I can't do this now."

"Dean please," Sam grabbed for his brother's wrist. He wasn't letting his brother run away from him again. A new determination filled him - he was going to put this right.

"No Sammy," Dean spun around to face his brother again. The sharp movement made him feel sick and dizzy. He suddenly felt really hot and the world decided to tilt annoyingly to one side. Dean blinked trying to focus as he instinctively put a hand out to steady himself but found nothing to hold onto. Dean thought he heard Sam shout his name as his vision went blurry and he felt his legs buckle. He couldn't stop his suddenly unco-operative body and he pitched forwards. Dean vaguely felt arms gently lowering him to the floor as his world went black and he sunk into the relief and quiet of the dark abyss.

"Dean," Sam shouted as he watched the colour drain from Dean's face. He grabbed for his brother as Dean's legs buckled and he pitched forwards. "Oh God," Sam whispered, wincing in pain, as he managed to stop Dean hitting the floor. "I need some help over here," he shouted to the nursing staff as he gently cradled his brother in his arms stroking a hand gently down Dean's flushed face.

Two hours later.....

Dean stared up at the ceiling trying desperately to ignore a silent Sam who was sitting in the uncomfortable looking chair at his bedside. Dean sighed in frustration, his brain still slightly fuzzy. He had woken up half an hour ago to find himself in a hospital bed, hooked up to a machine with an annoying beeping sound, an intravenous line stuck into the back of one hand and a blood pressure cuff wrapped around his left arm. Sam had been at his bedside clutching his free hand, a worried look on his face.

The doctor had arrived a few minutes later and had poked and prodded at him while a still worried looking Sam hovered behind him refusing point blank to leave. A diagnosis of exhaustion and dehydration had finally been given followed by a five minute lecture and stern warning from the doctor to start looking after himself and to start eating properly. The doctor had said that they would like him to stay in the hospital overnight for observation, as a precaution due to his low blood pressure. Dean had been about to protest but the words died on his lips as he got a look at the distraught look on Sam's face so he found himself agreeing to stay in the hospital for the night. Dean cursed himself for being so stupid and vowed to take better care of himself. He still felt sick and dizzy and he had the headache from hell despite the pain killers he had been given. He turned towards Sam. "You OK?" he asked breaking the oppressive silence that was surrounding them.

Sam snorted, his expression incredulous. "Dude," he said. "You're the one in the hospital bed looking like... like well worse than any ghost we have ever sent to hell. And are you ever gonna tell me where you got those bruises?" Sam pointed at Dean's arms.

Dean glared at Sam. "You just had a baby," he retorted as though that explained everything. He purposely ignored the question about the bruises, not ready to tell Sam about how he had gotten them. "Shouldn't you be resting or something?"

Sam narrowed his eyes at Dean deciding to leave the questions about the bruises for the time being, but made a mental note to ask his brother about them again later when he was less defensive. "And you just got up close and personal with the floor," he countered instead, ignoring the inference that he should be resting. Yes he was tired but he would rest later, when both Dean and Alex were sleeping. "You scared the crap outta me."

"Sorry," Dean whispered contrite. "But I'm fine now," Dean couldn't help giving his customary answer.

Sam rolled his eyes in frustration. "I hate when you do that. I always did. Stubborn bastard," he accused as he glanced towards the window fighting to compose himself. He was not going to lose it in front of Dean. He was going to be strong.

"Sammy," Dean whispered.

"And for the record," Sam turned back towards Dean. "You're not fine. You look like crap. I've seen better looking road kill."

"Thanks," Dean rolled his eyes. "I could say the same about you."

"This is not about me," Sam fixed his brother with his best stubborn stare. "This is about you. And what I have done to you," he put his hand up to stop the protest that he knew was coming. Dean closed his mouth, his protest dying on his lips at the determined look on Sam's face. He sighed as he stared up at the ceiling again. He really didn't want to talk about the stuff between them, but had a sinking feeling that Sam wasn't going to let him off the hook. Dean sighed again reluctantly deciding that now was as good a time as ever. Then may be they could both move on and get on with their lives.

Sam took Dean's silence as acceptance. "This is my fault and nothing you say or do will change that," Sam stated firmly. He had been frantic when Dean had collapsed knowing, deep inside him, that it was his fault. He had broken Dean's heart and hurt him deeply. He had been selfish and uncaring of Dean's feelings resulting in his brother making himself sick. The guilt he felt simmered and burned as Sam tormented himself with his hate for his actions. He desperately wanted to put things right between them but he needed Dean's help.

Dean stopped his absent study of the ceiling and rolled his head on the pillows to look at Sam again. He narrowed his eyes as he watched a hundred different emotions flash across his brother's face reflecting in his eyes - guilt, shame, fear, self-loathing, hurt and pain were all mixed together. But even more surprising was that Dean could see love shining through all the jumbled and negative emotions. He loved Sam but it hadn't really occurred to him that Sam still loved him, may be still wanted him, still wanted to make a life together. "I'm a big boy," Dean said. "I guess I shoulda looked after my ass better." He gave his brother a small reassuring smile.

Sam bit at his lip. "But I didn't help things."

"May be," Dean admitted reluctantly. "But what's done is done. It's in the past."

"But it affects the future," Sam said. "Our future."

"I know," Dean replied. He was terrified and he couldn't stop himself trembling. He clenched and unclenched one hand in an effort to calm himself as they descended into silence for a moment, each lost in their own thoughts. "Can I ask you something personal?" Dean eventually broke the silence. It was one of the questions he really needed an answer to. He knew it might hurt him but he had to know.

Sam frowned. "OK," he said quietly. He could see the slight tremors pulsing through Dean's body and sensed that his brother was afraid. Sam was afraid himself and had a suspicion what the question would be. Even though he was frightened it was important. To him and to his relationship with Dean. Sam resolved to be as truthful as possible and hope that the love they had felt for each other in the past, still obviously felt for each other, would see them through the next few minutes.

Dean's mouth felt dry and he nearly changed his mind. But this was important. To him. To Sam. Dean drew in a long breath and gathered his courage. "Is... is Alex's father.... on....on the scene? Are you and him going to.... you know?" Dean shrugged his shoulders not able to bring himself to say the actual words. "Does he know about Alex?" he forced himself to ask. The man Sam had spent the night with, Alex's father, was a shadow lurking in the darkness. A shadow lurking in their past, their present and possibly their future. Dean had to ask, had to know. The question that he had been so frightened to ask was now out in the open and Dean could feel his terror rising threatening to take his breathe away. But it was too late. Dean held his breath even more and stared at Sam silently waiting for his answer.

Sam couldn't help the snort that escaped. "No. No and no," he replied honestly. He looked across at Dean, an earnest expression on his face. "Bobby said I should tell him. That he deserved to know but I don't want him in my life... in Alex's life. He means nothing to me. Never did," he admitted softly. "It was just.... just sex. Angry stupid sex. No love. No feelings. Just sex." Sam knew that his answer would probably hurt Dean but his brother had a right to know the truth. This was his chance to start putting things right. Sam knew that his next few words would be hard for both him and Dean. "I .... I really wish he coulda been yours. He shoulda been yours. Ours." Sam looked directly at Dean, tears welling in his eyes. "I wish with all my heart that Alex was your son Dean. And Alex deserves to have you as his father. But I don't think there's any chance that he could be our son. We were too careful," Sam forced out. "I'm sorry. So sorry."

Dean had been right. He swallowed hard fighting off the urge to cry. He could feel the tears burning but couldn't bring himself to turn away from Sam. To turn away would have been a slap in the face for Sam, a rejection, and Dean couldn't bring himself to do that. Sam's answer did hurt him and he felt the familiar stab of betrayal again, but Sam had found the courage to be honest with him and it had been hard. He could plainly see the hurt, shame and self-loathing in Sam's face. Dean owed Sam for his honesty. "Thank you Sam," he whispered. "For telling me the truth."

"I promise he means nothing to me," Sam said, his tone desperate. "I lost the only person that meant anything to me. You. I had you. You loved me. And I lost you. I threw us away."

"I believe you Sam," Dean said gently. "I know he means nothing to you. OK?"

"OK," Sam nodded. He stared down at his jeans distractedly picking at the seam.

"But may be Bobby is right," Dean said softly. "He deserves to know. I know you don't want him in your life. But you should just tell him and go from there. And even if you decide not to tell him .... well Alex deserves to know who his father is, when he's old enough to understand stuff."

"May be," Sam gnawed at his bottom lip. Dean and Bobby were right but he couldn't face Grady Mallory just now. He decided to think about it later. "I'll think about it," he conceded.

Dean gave a small nod. "How's Alex?" he forced himself to ask. He needed to change the subject for a moment to enable him to get his tattered emotions under control. He needed Sam to focus on something else other than his guilt and shame. Talking about Sam's son was just as painful but Dean knew if he wanted to have some sort of relationship with Sam, whether it be brother or lover, it would have to include Alex.

"He's doing much better," Sam gave Dean a genuine smile. "The doctor says if he continues to improve like he is now, they're may be gonna transfer him to a normal ward next week. Then may be he can come home."

"You ought to be with him," Dean suggested. "I'll be fine here."

"No," Sam said stubbornly. "Alex is being looked after. Bobby is with him so he isn't alone. I can visit with him later when you're asleep. Then Bobby will be sitting with you. So you're not alone."

"A two-man team huh?" Dean said and Sam nodded. "But really you should be with your son. I'm fine really," Dean tried to persuade.

"No. I wanna stay here with you," Sam bit at his lip nervously suddenly unsure. "That's ... if you want .... want me to stay." Sam straightened up in the chair jutting his chin out mulishly. "But then I don't care what you want. Well... well I do. But I'm staying with you. So deal with it," he fixed Dean with a firm glare.

Dean raised his eyebrows not able to contain the look of surprise that crossed his face. Sam smiled at him. "OK," Dean said simply. "It's your bony ass sitting in the chair from hell," he nodded at the standard hospital chair that Sam was sitting on.

Sam chuckled lightly before turning serious eyes on Dean. "I know you don't wanna talk about it but.....," he gnawed at his bottom lip again. "But we've started... so we might as well finish it. It's not gonna go away. This thing.... with us," Sam waved a hand absently at them both.

Dean sighed settling his head deeper into the pillows. "I guess not," he conceded.

"I can never make it better," Sam said earnestly. "I can never take back what I did. And Alex will always remind.... remind you of what a stupid asshole I am," he said miserably. "I don't know what to do. I just want it all to go away... I know that makes me a selfish bastard.... but it hurts so much," Sam babbled. "I wanna get our lives back. I wanna make you happy. Like you always made me happy." Tears sprung to Sam's eyes and he swiped at them angrily. "I want us to be happy together. I know... know it will be kinda hard ... what with Alex and stuff but... I don't want anyone else. I promise." Sam stared at Dean willing his brother to understand, willing his brother to know how he felt.

Dean turned away from his brother for a moment. He closed his eyes briefly trying to gather his emotions together. "Sammy," he started to stay.

"I love you," Sam interrupted Dean mid-sentence. He couldn't bear the thought that his brother didn't love him any more, didn't want him any more. "I want you...so much. I have always wanted you. And I will always want you. And love you whatever you think of me," Sam looked down at his hands. "I know I don't deserve your love. Don't deserve a second chance.... but..." he whispered suddenly running out of words.

"Sammy," Dean said.

"Do you want me?" Sam interrupted again before Dean could say anything else. He stared over at Dean nervously, his future happiness, their future happiness was in Dean's hands.

Dean rolled his eyes at his brother. "Do you ever let anyone get a word in?" he asked. "No don't answer that," he put his hand up stopping Sam as his brother went to open his mouth. Dean regarded his brother for a moment. Sam was sitting slumped in the chair staring distractedly at his hands. One hand was absently picking at the seams of his jeans again. One of Sam's knees bounced up and down, a sure sign of his brother's nervousness. Dean knew that Sam was waiting, waiting for his answer. Just like he had been earlier. And Sam deserved his honesty.

It had always been the two of them against the world even when their father had been alive, and it would be again. Dean knew that he could never look at Sam in quite the same way as he had before his night of passion. But Dean loved Sam and he hoped that it would be enough for their relationship to survive. He had always thought that love was the greatest test that anyone could ever go through, but now Dean was convinced that just may be forgiveness was an even greater challenge. He prayed that he was up to the challenge. Dean took a deep breath and swallowed hard. "Sammy," he said eventually. "I need you to look at me."

"OK," Sam murmured and lifted his head directing frightened eyes at Dean.

"I need to find me again," Dean said.

"I don't understand," Sam frowned.

"I lost me somewhere along the way," Dean struggled to explain. "But I know I'm in here," he tapped his chest with a finger. "Somewhere. I just need time to find me. You know him. Big. Bad. Sexy. Hard-assed Dean Winchester."

Sam chuckled despite the seriousness of the situation. "He's still there. I know it," he said firmly.

"Yeah he is," Dean nodded and he really believed it. "Just gotta hunt him down."

"Does this mean you're going away again?" Sam stammered suddenly afraid again but if Dean needed to leave again to find himself, Sam would let him go. It would be hard but he was determined to help Dean in any way.

"No," Dean shrugged lightly. "No more running." Sam frowned at his brother confusion showing on his face. Dean grabbed for Sam's hand squeezing it in reassurance. "I love you Sammy," Dean said softly. " I'll always love you. I always have. But I need to learn to trust you again."

"OK," Sam said cautiously, not able to suppress the small glimmer of hope that was bubbling in his chest. He knew, deep inside, that he had a long way to go, that he had to earn Dean's trust again but he was doggedly determined. If it took him the rest of his life, Sam would gain Dean's trust again. "Does this.... this mean you're coming home?"

"No Sammy," Dean answered gently and honestly.

Sam couldn't help himself - his face fell, disappointment carved across his expression. He hung his head staring down at his jeans again. "Oh," he murmured.

Dean shifted slightly in the bed, leaned across and tilted Sam's head upwards again. "Sam. Listen to me. It hurts when I'm not with you but right now it kills me to be with you. Does that make sense?"

"I guess," Sam nodded reluctantly. It did make sense but it still hurt him. He loved Dean, wanted to be with him but he also knew if their relationship was going to have any hope of being repaired, they needed to take things slow, learn about each other all over again. "Where will you be?" he asked quietly.

"Not far I promise," Dean said. "I'm gonna stay with Bobby. Just for a little while. OK?"

Sam nodded. "I guess," he gave a small smile but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

Dean knew that this was hard for his brother, knew that Sam could be just as impatient and hard-headed as he could be on a good day. But Dean could also see that Sam was determined not to let him go and could definitely see that Sam was determined that their relationship would survive. But realistically Dean also knew that they both needed time to heal. To get used to a new relationship, one that included Sam's son. "Sam. I know you want me to come home now," Dean said. "But I just can't.... and I just...not right now. I just want to take it slow. See how stuff goes. OK?"

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't want you to come home now... be with me," Sam replied truthfully. "But I also understand that you wanna take it slow." He cocked his head to one side. "Perhaps be brothers again? You know.... be brothers again first?" Sam asked hopefully.

Dean smiled. "I'd like that," he said. "Thank you Sam. For understanding."

"I'll wait," Sam declared. "For as long as it takes. I'll be here... when you're ready."

"You will?" Dean couldn't contain his surprise, not really expecting the reaction from Sam. "Even if it takes months?" He knew he was being unfair asking the question but he had to know. Had to be sure.

"Damn straight," Sam mimicked one of Dean's favourite sayings.

"OK," Dean answered with a sharp nod of his head. "But you have to do something for me Sammy."

"I'll do anything," Sam said not able to contain his eagerness. "Just ask." He grabbed Dean's hand and squeezed tightly, not letting go.

"I know Sammy," Dean gave a small laugh before getting serious again. "If this is going to work," he waved his free hand at them both. "Between us. And this is important. OK?" Sam gave a small nod. "You gotta forgive yourself."

Sam bit at his lip. He didn't know if he could ever forgive himself for his actions, for hurting Dean but he had a feeling that it was important to his brother. "I'll try," he acknowledged. "I really will."

"I know you will," Dean squeezed his hand.  "That's all I ask.... that you try."

Sam felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Dean was going to give him a second chance and he would do his utmost to prove that his brother's faith in him wasn't misplaced. He would make their second chance work or his name wasn't Sam Winchester. "Will you visit us?" he asked.

"Damn straight," Dean mirrored his brother's earlier answer with a small smile. His heart and soul felt lighter than it had for months. Dean could almost feel the veil of pain and hurt lift slightly releasing him from his inner anger. He really didn't know what the future would bring or hold but he knew that just may be they stood a chance of making their relationship work out. Dean didn't kid himself that it would be easy but may be together, they would succeed.

"Even when Alex comes home?" Sam asked uncertainly. He knew that his son was another hurdle that Dean would have to overcome, probably one of the biggest.

Dean swallowed hard again knowing that his answer was important to Sam. "Yeah," he said finally. "Even then. The little guy will need a cool uncle seeing how he has a bookworm geek for his dad." Sam rolled his eyes but smiled at Dean. "I could.... you know... may be finish up the garden. Bobby said it still needs some work," Dean offered.   He wasn't just offering to work on the garden.  Dean was offering Sam, and himself, some hope that he would eventually return to their home.   It was his way of saying that he was coming home one day soon.   

Sam smiled warmly accepting the offer for what it was. It meant that Dean would eventually come home to him. . "Yeah. That would be great," he said.  He bit at his lip. "May be.... you know... may be you could come and visit with Alex some time," Sam said hopefully. He held his breath waiting for Dean's answer.

This was it. If they were going to have any hope surviving and moving forwards Dean Winchester had to take a leap of faith. It would probably be the first step of many that he would take towards trusting Sam again. The first real step. The most important step. And somehow, after everything that had happened, after all the misery and pain, Dean knew he was up to the challenge. He gathered up all the courage and inner strength he could muster. "Get the doctor to unhook my ass from all this stuff, "Dean nodded towards the machinery and drip. "And we'll go right now," he offered.

"Really?" Sam asked not able to disguise his surprise. He hadn't expected that Dean would want to visit so soon. When he had asked, Sam had been thinking of one day when Alex had been discharged from the hospital. At that moment he loved Dean a little bit more, admired his bravery, his courage and his strength. Sam doubted very much that he would have been able to do the same if he had been in Dean's position. It spurred him on and he vowed that he would try hard to forgive himself but more importantly Sam resolved to spend the rest of his life making Dean happy.

Dean knew, from the look on Sam's face, that he had taken his brother by surprise. He had wanted to take things slowly and they would, but he needed to see Alex sooner rather than later or run the risk that he would always find some excuse to put the visit off. "Yeah really," Dean nodded before he could change his mind. Dean felt a new determination rise up within him. He could do this. It was now or never. Time to put the past firmly in the past. Time to get his head out of his ass and get on with his life.

Forty-five minutes later......

Dean nervously fiddled with the bandage across the back of his hand securing the needle. He was still attached to the intravenous drip and was sitting in a wheelchair, despite his loud protests. He scowled nastily at the drip which was attached to a pole fixed to the chair. He even had a blanket draped across his legs and he gave it a nasty look for good measure. His doctor had insisted on the wheelchair and the continued drip and in the end Dean had reluctantly agreed. Sam had then pushed him along the hospital corridors towards the baby unit.

They were both nervous. Both afraid. But both were equally determined. Dean glanced up at Sam who was quietly talking to the nurse, who was assisting him with Alex. The baby had improved dramatically and his paediatrician had approved the visit immediately. Bobby had opted to leave them alone for a while and Dean guessed that their friend knew how important it was to both of them, knew that they had to do this alone. Bobby had promised to return in half an hour or so. If he thought his legs would hold him up for more than a few minutes, Dean was considering running away but had to admit that he still felt very wobbly, although hell would freeze over before he admitted it to his doctor or Sam.

"Hey," Sam startled him out of his reverie. "You ready?"

Dean looked up at Sam. He could see the fear and nervousness in Sam's eyes. Could see how important this was to Sam. To both of them. He moved his eyes down to Sam's arms. He was carefully cradling his sleeping son. Wires and tubes trailed from the small baby back to the machines surrounding his incubator and from what he could see from his sitting position, Dean thought the child looked so fragile and delicate. "You can do this," he chanted in his head over and over. "Yeah," Dean finally nodded at Sam.

"OK," Sam said softly. He leant forwards gently laying his son across Dean's blanket covered legs. Dean couldn't help himself and he tensed slightly as the baby's weight settled across his thighs. Sam sat down in the chair opposite Dean and grabbed for one hand in an effort to support his brother maintaining the contact that he knew Dean probably needed. That he needed too.

Dean steeled himself and looked down at the tiny baby. He was tiny and delicate and Dean decided that, even this small, he had the Winchester look about him. He looked up at Sam quickly, judging that the child definitely favoured his brother in looks. "He looks like you," Dean voiced.

Sam had been holding his breath the whole time and exhaled relieved that so far Dean seemed to be coping with the situation ."Yeah he does," he replied knowing, deep down, what Dean was really saying. Sam knew his brother was really saying that he didn't look like Grady Mallory, a fact that he, himself, was relieved about. "Kinda handsome don't you think?" Sam smirked at his brother.

"Not going that far," Dean teased back. Alex snuffled in his sleep kicking his legs slightly. Sam held his breath again as he watched Dean reach out a hesitant finger towards his son. Dean bit at his lip nervously. His heart was filled with trepidation and he closed his eyes for a moment trying to get control of his ragged emotions. The small child across his legs was Sam's son. Sam's son by another man. Sam had cheated on him and the small baby, full of warmth and life, laying across his legs was the result. Dean knew that this was his second test. His second step. Dean took some calming breaths and could feel his panic and nervousness receding and he felt vaguely encouraged. Dean could feel Sam close to him, feel his hand in his, gently squeezing, anchoring him and giving him strength. Dean finally opened his eyes, took a deep breath and gently ran his finger up the tiny baby's face. He looked up at his brother. Sam smiled at Dean, tears welling in his eyes.

"You're such a girl Samantha," Dean teased trying to lighten the moment. He knew he had a long way to go. Knew that it would take a while for him to look at Sam's son and not see his brother's betrayal. The child was innocent and Dean resolved that he would try and be the best uncle ever. For Alex. For Sam. And for himself.

"I don't care," Sam frowned.

Dean rolled his eyes as he released his hand from Sam's. He cautiously reached down and put both hands under Alex, careful of the wires and tubes, and lifted the baby into arms cradling him. "He'll soon be playing baseball," Dean grinned at Sam. "Or working on the Impala." He grinned again as the child wriggled in his arms. Alex's breathing was slightly harsh but it didn't seem to be bothering him as he slept peacefully.

Sam pulled a face but he couldn't contain his happiness at Dean's words. It would take time, he knew, but just may be his brother would accept his son as part of their family. Hope blossomed in his chest making him feel warm all over. Sam shifted his chair closer, laying one hand on his brother's thigh, desperate to keep his connection to Dean. Sam knew that they still had a long way to go but today Dean had taken big step towards healing. Sam had dreamed about this moment for months but honestly thought he would never see it. "Thank you," Sam whispered as he gazed down at his son in his brother's strong arms.

Dean looked across at Sam and smiled before looking back down at a now wide awake Alex. Sam scooted even closer to his family not able to resist touching his son's tiny face. He offered Alex his finger and the baby clutched at it. Sam decided to take a chance. He leaned forward and gave Dean a soft loving kiss.

The End..... or may be the Beginning!