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It’s four in the morning and Taako is scared. Ridiculously, overwhelmingly scared. Scared enough to run out of his room, in nothing but his stupid oversized shirt that says “skate fast eat ass,” grab his stupid umbrastaff, get in one of those stupid cannonballs and happily be ejected off this stupid fake moon and into oblivion. But here’s the problem – he’s scared, because he wants to stay. And nothing is more Taako than running away from feelings, no sir, that’s his trademark. He’s good at that. Taako is good at running away. Shit, his whole life has proved that to him. Glamorsprings proved that to him. Saazed proved that to him.
Taako makes the infinitely wise decision to stop thinking about Glamorsprings and Saazed before he has a panic attack. The better idea is to focus on what is currently at risk of giving him a panic attack. Duh. No place like the present, baby.
It’s… complicated. Very complicated. Taako doesn’t do feelings. He doesn’t qualify in that area of expertise. He’s actually shit scared of that area of expertise and what comes with it. Feelings mean caring and connection and comforting and promises and all sorts of crap that can go wrong in an instant. It’s fucking terrifying. It took him long enough to admit to himself that he loves Magnus and Merle, and even longer to admit it aloud. It took some more time after that to finally stop being terrified that his weird brother and kind-of-father-figure weren’t going to leave him. Taako has some problems with being left alone. He finds it impossibly hard to think about a time when adventuring is done, a time when all the relics are destroyed, just in case that means a time without Magnus and Merle. He doesn’t want to lose a second family.
Another example of the whole “feelings” dilemma is a certain Angus McDonald. That fucking kid, Taako thinks, will be the death of him. He really, really cares about that kid. Sure, so does everyone in the B.O.B, but this is new. This is unhesitatingly, unflinchingly knowing that he would lay his life down for the kid. Angus is nosy and a know-it-all and he can be a pain in the ass, but he shows Taako an unconditional love that Taako never even knew could exist. It’s a love Taako feels unworthy of, one that twists up into something terrifying and poisonous while at the same time making flowers grow in his ribcage and warmth run through his veins. It’s a strange cocktail of terrifying and comforting to know that he has someone that relies on him. Someone that, if he ran away, would miss him. Someone who would want him back.
Reason number three for Taako’s sudden panic is his newest realisation in the feelings genre, and it’s a big one. It’s a big fucking deal. It’s a lot of panic. It’s currently asleep next to him, dark hair fanned out on soft white pillows with a soft expression on its stupidly handsome face. It’s the grim reaper. It’s Taako’s boyfriend. It’s Kravitz.
Taako likes Kravitz.
A lot.
Taako has liked Kravitz for a while now. He’s thought the man was drop dead gorgeous from the first time he laid eyes on him. Tall and slender yet still strong, beautiful dark skin with shining dark brown eyes to match and shoulder length black hair that looks offensively good when tied back. The thing is, that’s not just it. Taako has had his fair share of flings. Appearance based only, of course. Nothing personal. Nothing stays for more than a day or two. Kravitz is terrifyingly different and the first sign of that is Taako becoming well aware that he’s just as interested in Kravitz as a terrifying bone dude as he is in Kravitz as Mr. Universe’s Next Top Model.
He shouldn’t fear this. It’s casual dating. It’s dudes being dudes. It’s getting to kiss a beautiful guy and be taken on dates and be given a break from his ridiculously hectic life. It’s a god-send, to put it simply. It’s the break he needs. The thing that scares him about it so much is that it’s a break he doesn’t want to end. He realises reluctantly that something has happened. He’s attached. He’s scared to lose Kravitz.
“Gee fucking whiz,” Taako whispers to himself. “When did that happen?”
He studies Kravitz carefully, looks down at the man asleep in his bed and feels his heart beat a little faster in his chest. He blushes at how ridiculously and disgustingly fucking romantic-verging-on-creepy it all is, admiring his lover while he sleeps. But a sleeping Kravitz is a rare sight and a sweet one. Taako knows about the man’s nightmares, it’s something they have in common, and something he worries about. Not that he’d let Kravitz know that. There’s good reason that the two of them haven’t discussed feelings. Taako is in a high-risk job and his boyfriend is the grim reaper – do the maths. They don’t talk feelings. Taako doesn’t know how to, not when Kravitz is awake. So, while he’s not, Taako allows himself a moment of selfishness.
“I fucking like you, skeletor, you know that?” He whispers. He hesitates for a moment before brushing a thumb across Kravitz’s cheek. “And you fucking terrify me. It’s not that I don’t trust you. I mean, I don’t trust anyone 100%, but that’s my problem, my dude. Not yours.”
He laughs to himself slightly, trying hard to ignore the bitter pang he feels in his heart.
“Y’know what it is, Krav?” He mumbles. “It’s me. I’m scared that you’re gonna get to know me and… be disappointed, y’know? Like, fuck. You’re badass. Ten out of ten. Hot damn. And I’m… Taako. I’m good out here. I’m a runner, my man. Not a fighter. Not a lover. I’ll fuckin’ sprint away from that shit. I’m scared that I’m gonna give my stupid gremlin self to you, and that you won’t want it. That you’ll give it back.”
Kravitz shifts in his sleep. One of his arms flop across Taako’s side and for a moment, the elf is ready to phantom fist Kravitz into oblivion for hearing any of that. When Kravitz makes a soft huffing noise and settles back down into a comatose state, Taako sighs and relaxes again.
“Cool. You’re not listening. Sleep quieter and let me rant. Because, like… shit. What if you do like me? Like, sometimes you give me this awful look. Gross as shit. It’s like… I hung the moon.” Taako shudders slightly at that. It reminds him of Saazed. “What the fuck do I do with that, dude? I’m comedic value and I make good pasta! Not commitment material! And, like… what do I do about all these equally gross as shit looks I’m giving you? I don’t even realise I’m doing it!”
He laughs to himself again. It’s bitter this time. His emotions are betraying him with almost pinpricks of tears in his eyes.
“What if you disappear or something happens to you? What do I do then, dude? Because you’re opening all this shit in me and, fuck. I don’t like it. What if I can’t close it?” He asks. Rapidly. He’s a floodgate and Kravitz is breaking all his walls. He’s at risk of bursting into foreign territory.
He sits up quickly and takes deep breaths, swinging his legs off the side of his bed and staring at the door. He could leave. He could run. He could go to safe territory. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s ran. He could do it.
“You okay, love?” A deeper than usual, groggy voice asks from behind him. Of course. Fate telling him to not fuck this one up, apparently. Or Istus. Or maybe they’re the same thing – Taako can’t keep track of it anymore.
Taako sighs to himself and puts a smile on before turning around to Kravitz who is adorably and amusingly drowsy. “I’m good, my man. Needed some air and a break from your arm trying to literally fucking suffocate me though.”
“Oh,” Kravitz chuckles somewhat guiltily. “Sorry, dear. Come back to sleep? Angus mentioned to me that he was worried you weren’t getting enough rest.”
“Ugh. Of course, he did.” Taako grumbles. Nevertheless, he rolls back onto his bed and shuffles close to Kravitz, resting his head against the other man and wondering, again, what Kravitz sees when he looks at him.
“Are you sure you’re alright, Taako?” he asks, worriedly. Even half asleep, Kravitz can read him, and Taako hates how little he hates that.
Taako sighs and wraps his arm across his boyfriend’s middle, reaching up and pressing his lips firmly to Kravitz’s. “I’m fine. Go to sleep, bone man, before I get you kicked out. I have security guards with a ‘no nosy assholes’ policy.”
“Mhm,” Kravitz chuckles. “Of course. Goodnight, Taako.”
“Night, Krav.” Taako replies, allowing himself to press closer to Kravitz. He’s still always horrifically cold, but he’s alive. Breathing. A constant, rhythmic comfort. Taako feels a blush spread across his face as Kravitz kisses the top of his head, the sentimental fucker, and drifts into a deep sleep.
He’s terrified of this, but in all honesty, he’s starting to think that the fear is more than worth it.