Chapter Text
She was being ridiculous. Jules recognized it about herself easily enough, even silently condemned and berated herself for it, but didn’t know how to fix it. She’d always been the one to rush in to any situation no matter how dangerous without hardly any consideration for her own safety. She’d faced down armed subjects with her own weapon holstered, stepped off solid ground into nothingness with only a safety strap to keep her from plummeting, watched timers on bombs slowly ticking down with sure confidence that her team --mostly Spike-- would defuse it before it could explode. She could face those things but couldn’t bring herself to cross the threshold of a simple coffee shop? Why was this so difficult?
The answer was right in front of her. Literally. She shifted position so she could kneel in front of the stroller to check on Sadie. The infant grinned at her and waved the plastic toy she’d been chewing on. Jules smiled back at her daughter and brushed her fingers against the baby’s soft cheek. She could justify putting herself in danger, people’s lives depended on her being able to do her job and to do it without worrying about the consequences to herself. It was harder to justify putting her daughter in any possibility of danger even if that chance of danger was so slight it might all be in her head.
It had been a solid month since the explosion that had almost cost her and Sadie their lives. A month in which she’d thought she’d recovered fully from the experience. The bruises that had practically covered her legs and lower bag had lost the worst of their sting after about a week and half. It had taken a little longer for them to run their course of color changes before most of them had faded. Now only the one on her lower back, the one she’d gotten from the piece of debris that had also bruised her kidney, remained but it too was on its last stage of healing.
The emotional recovery had taken about as long to happen as the bruises to fade but she’d thought she’d gotten through that as well. Nightmares didn’t plague her sleep any more-- or at least not with any alarming regularity -- and she didn’t face going places with the same trepidation she’d had in the initial aftermath. Even Sam seemed to have gotten over the worst of his fears that had developed from thinking she’d died. He still would call and check on her while he was at work but it wasn’t as constant as it had been in the first week or so after the explosion. Given what had happened, Jules was proud of how well she and Sam had gotten their lives pretty much back as normal as they could. Or at least she’d thought they had.
Why couldn’t she bring herself to open the door of the Tim Horton’s and step inside? It wasn’t even like it was even the same one that had been blown up a month earlier. She didn’t know what was going to become of that property but she knew Aaron Saddler wouldn’t be in charge of any rebuilding. He was too busy having to work on his defense of the numerous crimes the prosecutor had leveled against him. He was in as much trouble or perhaps more as Doug Brantley. This particular Timmy’s wasn’t anywhere near the other one and didn’t pose any danger to her or Sadie. The only thing the two had in common was being in the same franchise. She was brought back once again to the idea that she was just being ridiculous.
She straightened up and reached for the handle of the door. She’d go inside and meet Greg just like she’d done so many times before. She wasn’t going to let what happened stop her from enjoying her coffee mornings with her friend, especially not now that she didn’t get to see him as often as when they were on the same team. She tried to ignore the fact that her hand was shaking; she wasn’t going to be scared of a business. She wasn’t that kind of person.
Before she could change her mind, she pulled the door open and pushed the stroller inside. Greg looked up from his table and smiled at her. He stood and gave her a quick hug before leaning down to say hello to Sadie as well. Straightening up, he nodded toward the table he’d just left. “Go ahead and sit down. It’s my turn to buy.”
Jules nodded and pushed the stroller over to the table he’d indicated. She wasted no time unfastening the straps that secured Sadie in the stroller and transferring the baby into her arms. She took several sniper breaths trying to calm herself down. See, she told herself sternly, nothing to freak out about. It’s just a coffee shop, no different from any of the other coffee shops you’ve been in a thousand times before. Get a grip on yourself.
A few minutes later, Greg returned to the table with his purchases. Seeing the box of Timbits instead of their usual at least slightly healthier breakfast sandwiches, Jules raised an eyebrow. Greg shrugged as he sat down across from her. “I thought we probably could both use the sugar rush. Maybe I should have suggested somewhere different this time.”
Jules shook her head as she took a tentative sip of her coffee. “No, double doubles are a tradition for us. I don’t want to let one incident change everything. I mean really, how many Tim Horton managers slash franchise owners could have someone wanting revenge against them? What are the odds?”
Her tone sounded confident and sure; she just wished she felt that way deep down. Greg nodded. “Yeah, I know. Didn’t stop me from standing outside the shop for a solid ten minutes working up the nerve to enter. It’s funny in a not so funny kind of way. I’ve gone back to places where I’ve been hurt before without batting an eye, but this time? I’m not sure what makes it different. I wasn’t even hurt and this isn’t even the same place.”
Jules nodded. She understood exactly what he was saying. Had this been anyone else, she might suspect he was just saying he’d had difficulty because he’d witnessed her hesitation before entering and was trying to make her feel better. But this was Greg and she knew him well enough to recognize the sincerity in his voice. “You however aren’t the same person. You had more to lose this time. So did I. I think it makes a big difference. This is the first time I’ve stepped foot in a Tim Horton’s since the explosion last month. Going through the drive thru didn’t bother me but walking through those doors, especially with Sadie with me, different story.”
It never crossed her mind to give up her love for the special brew completely. She never would have survived. Even while pregnant with Sadie, she hadn’t been able to cut coffee completely out of her diet. The hardest part of her pregnancy had been limiting herself to one double double a week instead of a daily intake.
“How are you doing, Jules? Really doing?” Greg watched her carefully. These informal coffee meetings had been going on so long that they were both comfortable laying aside most of the pretenses they might show others and just be themselves. Two friends, not supervising officer and teammate.
Jules broke off a small piece of a fruit flavored Timbit and offered it to Sadie. The sour lemon flavoring made her little face scrunch up but didn’t stop her from eating the piece of doughnut and reaching for more. Jules realized that Greg was watching her, waiting for him to answer in that patient “I’ll wait as long as I need to in order to get an answer” way of his. Jules sighed. “I’m okay. Really. I guess it just…I mean…it’s ridiculous.” She knew she was stumbling over her words before ending up with her earlier thought. She took a drink of her coffee and then popped a whole Timbit in her mouth.
“What’s ridiculous, Jules?” Greg probed gently.
She was grateful for the bite she had to chew and swallow followed by another drink of her coffee to wash it down before answering. When she couldn’t put off explaining any longer, she still didn’t quite meet his eyes. “It’s not like this is even the same place. I could see having trouble going there but I should be past this.”
“It might not be the same place but it’s the same activity. You and me meeting for our monthly coffee time; it doesn’t matter which Timmy’s we go to, it’s the same thing. This is the first time we’ve met for coffee since what happened. I really did think about suggesting we meet somewhere totally different this month or maybe even a totally different time cause I knew it would bring back memories, for me as well as you. It’s not ridiculous and it’s not some sign of weakness. Frankly, I’d be more surprised if you’d walked in that door like it was nothing. Don’t beat yourself up over this.”
Jules gave Sadie another bite of the lemon flavored Timbit. Again Sadie reacted to the sour taste but didn’t let it stop her from enjoying the bite. Again Jules sighed. “Yeah, well.”
The silence between the two lingered for a moment as it was apparent Jules didn’t want to continue the current conversation. With half the Timbits and more than half of her coffee were gone, she looked back at Greg. “I haven’t really been keeping up with what’s going on with the case. The prosecutor and Doug’s defense attorney have both talked to me a couple of times but I’ve tried to keep my distance. It’s been hard on Sam. He knows I feel bad for Doug and in some ways he does too, but…”
“But his wife and child were in danger because of Doug’s actions and that’s something you just don’t get past. I understand; Marina isn’t quite as forgiving as I am.”
Jules nodded. “Sam supports me and understands that I want Doug to get help not just punishment but at the same time I don’t want to just keep bringing it up. I don’t think it’s good for either one of us.”
Greg nodded. “I haven’t kept up as much as I probably could. Ed’s kept me more up to date than anything. The last I heard, Logan has admitted that Doug had no idea what was going to happen. It looks like Doug might receive the lightest sentence possible given the charges, especially since he’s cooperating with authorities completely. He’s agreed to counseling both while in custody and once he’s out. Saddler however has been the same pompous ass he was while we were trapped. He hasn’t made any friends and from what I understand once he goes to trial and is found guilty, he’ll serve the maximum sentence and have to pay restitution. I think it is safe to say that the insurance money he gets from the destroyed coffee shop will probably not go into his bank account.”
Jules nodded. She didn’t want to feel happiness at someone else’s problems but she had a deep resentment for Saddler selfishly putting his own needs above Sadie’s. She’d be glad when the trials were over and she could fully put everything behind her. She shifted Sadie over to Greg’s lap and went for a refill of her coffee, getting a second cup for Greg as well. Once she was back to the table, she looked at him holding her daughter. He looked more relaxed with her than he had a month ago.
“So how’s Marina doing? I missed seeing her at the picnic a couple of weeks ago.” Jules opened Sadie’s diaper bag and put together a quick juice bottle for the baby. She handed it to her daughter.
Greg smiled at Sadie who playing with the bottle as much as drinking it. He’d almost skipped out on the team picnic himself. Marina had somehow managed to go through her first trimester without morning sickness but it was almost as if discovering she was pregnant had unleashed it full force. The day of the picnic had been one of the worst. So she’d opted to stay home and in bed rather than getting out in the heat and being miserable. She wouldn’t let him stay home however. “She’s doing better. The doctor was able to give her something to help with the morning sickness so that’s eased some. You should be glad you missed out on that joy with Sadie.”
Jules snorted. “Who says I missed out on it? For several months almost every night at straight up midnight I was suffering. However, I know I was blessed not to have it any worse than I actually did. Ginger ale and saltines are a pregnant woman’s best friends, just sayin’.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. Apparently Marina thinks chili cheese dogs with extra onions are also her best friends. I’ve lost count of the number of times in the last week she’s sent me out for them. Last night she woke me up at one thirty in the morning craving one. Do you know how hard it is to find a place opened at that time of night that serves them? Still, I’ve always heard that when a woman craves something during pregnancy it’s because the baby needs something that’s in whatever is being craved. So out I went. Then I get back and she’s sound asleep. I think it’s going to be a long four more months.”
“I did that to Sam a few times. Except my craving for some reason was lemon sorbet. I don’t know why because I usually can’t stand it. And it couldn’t be just any lemon sorbet but it had to be freshly made from that little place near the station. And trust me when I tell you they aren’t open midnight and later. I think it’s why Sadie loves anything lemon flavored now.”
Sadie grinned at her name being mentioned as she pulled the nipple of the bottle out of her mouth. She had enough of a couple of teeth showing now that the nipple made a sound when it scrapped against them. It was her newest trick and Jules had to constantly watch to make sure she wasn’t pulling the nipple loose with the activity. Jules’s heart swelled with love looking at her daughter.
“I know the morning sickness and the cravings aren’t the fun part of pregnancy for Marina or for you. The next four months might be long but at the end of it, you’ll be holding your baby and none of the rest will matter.” Jules assured him. She knew he’d been through it all with Dean but felt like he needed the reminder.
Greg nodded. “Yeah, somehow after everything that happened, I lost a lot of my fear about being a parent again and gained a whole new appreciation for the miracle of life.”
Jules thought about how she and Sam had changed things in the past month. She would have said without any conceit before the explosion that she and Sam were both loving and involved parents and were totally invested in their daughter. After the explosion, however, that had only increased. Neither took time for granted. Every moment they were able to spend together and with Sadie was enjoyed for all it was worth. Whether it was leisurely strolls to the park after Sam got off shift, the two of them lying on the floor beside Sadie as she played on her pallet, or long family soaks in the tub or shower, they enjoyed just being together as much as possible. She hoped that would continue even after she returned to work in a couple of months, though she knew their schedules would be harder to juggle.
“I guess there’s always something good to come out of bad things.” Jules admitted.
Greg agreed and then added. “And being able to find the good rather than dwell on the negative is one of the best ways of putting it behind you. I’m not worried about you; not only are you strong enough to get through this but you’ve got Sam, Sadie, and the rest of us in your corner as well. It might not happen as quickly as you want but pretty soon you’ll be opening the door to this place without a second thought. We both will.”
The two finished the Timbits and their coffee while engaging in just idle conversation. When they were finished, Jules took Sadie back from Greg and secured her in the stroller. In the month since the new-to-her jogging stroller had been delivered, she probably hadn’t logged quite as many miles with it as the one that had been destroyed in the explosion but she was well on her way to making up for lost time.
Greg walked out with her and gave her a warm hug before saying goodbye. As Jules turned toward home, she wasn’t surprised to see her Jeep Patriot parallel parked just down the street. Nor was she surprised to see Sam leaning against the hood. She smiled at him. When she’d left that morning to meet Greg for their monthly coffee date, Sam had still been sound asleep. He’d worked overtime the night before and hadn’t gotten home until after three so Jules felt he’d deserved the chance to sleep in.
As she approached him, he pulled her in for a hug and kiss. “I hope you don’t mind. I woke up lonely and thought I’d meet the two of you when you were finished.”
Jules rested her head on his chest, listening to the beating of his heart beneath her ear. There was a time not so long ago that Sam showing up like this would have rubbed her the wrong way, would have made her think he didn’t trust her to take care of herself and that he was checking up on her. But that time was a month ago. Her perspective had changed. It wasn’t that Sam thought she needed protecting but that he just wanted to spend as much time with her as possible to make up for the times that it wasn’t.
“You didn’t have to wait out here. You could have come in and joined us.”
Sam shook his head. “No, I couldn’t. Coffee time is your special time with the Boss. I don’t want to intrude on that, even if the two of you wouldn’t mind. I’ve only been out here a few minutes, no big deal.”
Sadie let out a cranky wail, either protesting the fact that the stroller was not in motion or that her father hadn’t acknowledged her. Sam grinned and leaned down to release Sadie from the confines of the stroller. He picked her up and hugged her tightly, kissing her sensitive neck until she giggled.
Pretty sure that she wasn’t going to be walking home with Sadie this time, Jules moved the now empty stroller to the back of the Patriot where she loaded it in the cargo space. Carrying the diaper bag with her, she returned to the sidewalk where Sam was standing with Sadie. “So, you’ve got the rest of the day off; any idea how you want to spend it?”
Sam nodded. “Yeah, I thought we could just take a drive; we haven’t done that in a while. Just drive where the car takes us and stop when we feel like it. Sadie naps just as well in the car as she does at home so it’s not like we’d be disrupting her routine terribly. What do you think?”
Jules grinned. “I think that sounds like the perfect day. You want to drive or do you want me to?”
It was a familiar and lighthearted battle they were accustomed to. They both had strong, controlling personalities that really came out when it came to who did the driving. Neither liked to surrender that control of being behind the wheel. The main time it hadn’t been a big question when they went somewhere had been during her pregnancy when her growing belly and shorter legs had made it difficult for her to fit behind the steering wheel.
“I think we can make this fair. It was my idea so I’ll drive going and when we decide to turn around and come home, we’ll switch and you can drive back.” Sam offered.
Jules nodded. “Sounds fair. Since you’re holding Sadie, you can wrestle her into her car seat now that she thinks she’s been freed.”
Sam gave Sadie a little bounce making her giggle again. He loved that almost anything he could do to her made her react that way. “You aren’t going to give Daddy a hard time, are you? You like going for a ride, don’t you?”
Jules snorted. “Yeah, she loves going for a ride once the car is in motion. The actual act of getting strapped in to the torture device we call a car seat, not so much. I’ll let her turn those puppy dog eyes on you this time.”
Sam opened the back door to the Patriot from the passenger side and settled Sadie in her car seat. Almost immediately, Sadie’s lower lip poked out and she reached for Sam as if begging for him to take her back in his arms. The pouty lip never failed to tug at his heart strings but he’d gotten better at resisting her charms. He would still have a long way to go if he was to survive that face when she was old enough to know what it did to him. He gave her a quick kiss and then offered her one of her toys to appease her until the car was in motion.
Once more outside the car, he also gave Jules a kiss. “Ready? I don’t think the toy will hold her long if the car is not in motion.”
Jules nodded and slipped into the front passenger side of the vehicle. As she fastened her seat belt Sam ran around to the driver’s side and got in. After checking that it was clear to do so, he merged back into traffic. Now that the car was in motion, Sadie forgot to be upset and happily bopped at the toys attached to her car seat. Sam reached over and took Jules’s hand in his and gave it a slight squeeze. They rode like that in companionable silence for about twenty minutes. It was about that time that Sam looked in the rearview mirror to check on Sadie who’d also gotten suspiciously quiet. He grinned.
“And she’s out like a light. I’ve never understood how she can sleep like that.”
Jules twisted in her seat so she could look at her. She fished a light blanket from the diaper bag and covered Sadie’s bare legs with it so the air conditioning of the car wouldn’t make her too cool. “I’m glad she went down so easy. I let her have part of a Timbit while we were eating and I wasn’t sure how she’d react to the sugar. I was a little worried she’d be bouncing off the walls.”
Sam glanced at her briefly before returning his attention to the road. “You gave her a Timbit? You? Aren’t you the one who fusses when I even hint about giving her a taste of ice cream or something chocolate?”
Jules frowned. “That’s different. I worry about the milk in ice cream at her age and chocolate? You have seen how addicted I am to it, right? Do you really want our daughter to discover that little obsession at her age? There’ll be time enough for that when she’s over a year, maybe even when she’s two. I at least went with a fruit flavored one.”
Sam tried to hide his continued grin. “Right sure. That’s totally different.” Then he changed the subject. “So, I know I suggested we just drive where the road takes us but is there someplace in particular you’d like to go?”
Jules shook her head. “I kind of like the idea of just roaming for awhile.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do.” He lifted her hand that was encased in his and gave it a quick kiss. Again a comfortable silence filled the vehicle. Traffic was light as they got away from the downtown area. When he came up behind a semi, he changed lanes not wanting to stay behind it for long. Almost immediately he felt a slight change in Jules. It wasn’t like she’d tensed up or anything but more like he could feel the melancholy. He gave her hand another squeeze. “Hey, what’s going on in that pretty head of yours? I think you just went further away than the car can take us. We’re on this journey together, remember?”
She nodded, and then looked over at him. “Seeing that truck just made me start thinking of things. I’m sorry.”
“No apologies necessary. What kind of things? Remembering the accident?”
She shrugged slightly. She didn’t really remember much about the actual accident last Thanksgiving at all because of the concussion but it did play into things. “I guess I was thinking about the close calls I’ve had the last five years. So many times I could have died and didn’t. I almost feel like a cat with nine lives. Can’t help but wonder how many I have left.”
Sam didn’t like those turns of thought she was taking. Didn’t want to think about living a day without her. “Hopefully as many as it takes so that you are at least 120 when you finally take your last breath.”
Jules rolled her eyes at the exaggeration. “120 huh? Not sure that’s going to happen but it would be worth it so long as you are still right there with me every step of the way.”
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” Sam promised. “Seriously, Jules, you’ve had some close calls; more than I’ve thought my heart could take a few times. But you live your life unafraid of the consequences and I think that’s one of the reasons I love you so much. I don’t want that to change.”
Jules smirked. “I’m going to remind you of that the next time you try to wrap me in bubble wrap. I’m not going to change who I am; I don’t think I could if I wanted to. Still, I don’t want Sadie to grow up without me. I know what that’s like and I want to be there for her. When she gets her first boyfriend, when she gets married, when she has her first child, all that, I want to be there to celebrate with her and enjoy it.”
Sam squeezed her hand again. “You will be. Although I’m not sure I’m comfortable thinking about her dating any time in the next three decades at least.”
Jules shook her head. “I give you maybe one and a half before it becomes a reality. Seriously though? What scares me more than something happening to me is how many times her life has been threatened already and she’s only eight months. I think back to those days after the accident when we weren’t sure if she was going to be okay and I think about what could have happened in the explosion last month and it terrifies me all over again. I don’t think I could handle losing her.”
She shuddered hard and Sam wished he could pull over so he could take her in his arms. He thought back to those hours where he’d had only his hope that they were still alive to cling to. Those hours that were still the stuff of his nightmares at times. He also thought about his parents in the weeks and months and even years that followed his sister’s death. He understood their grief a little more now even though he hadn’t actually lost Sadie. “We can’t wrap her in bubble wrap either. Trust me, I’ve tried to figure out a way. Yeah, I hate that she’s had near misses as much as I hate that you have but I know we do everything possible to protect and keep her safe. In the end, that’s got to be enough.”
Jules sighed. “It’s funny; you and I read all those baby books while I was pregnant. I knew what to expect when I went into labor, when she had colic, and when she started teething. I think I know what to expect when she starts pulling up and walking, when she’s ready to potty train, and all that. I don’t remember reading anything that prepared me for all the fears that go with motherhood.”
“That’s probably because none of those writers had solutions to offer.” Sam suggested. After another moment of silence, he continued. “I gotta tell you, Jules, when I didn’t know if the two of you were okay, I can’t imagine any worse feeling. Well, yeah I can; if I’d found out that either of you hadn’t survived, that probably would have been worse. As it was, I felt like my entire world, my every reason for living, had been ripped away. It wasn’t until I had Sadie in my arms again and could at least touch you and kiss you that I felt like I could live again.”
Now it was Jules who squeezed his hand. It was sometimes easy for her to forget that he’d had his own hell to live through while she’d been buried in that rubble. Knowing how hard it had been on him was the main reason she hadn’t protested his need to check on her and Sadie a thousand times a day in the immediate aftermath of the explosion. “What about now? How’s your world looking?”
For a moment Sam didn’t answer and she could tell he was thinking through his answer. Finally he glanced over at her. “Right now? I’d say my world is pretty…” he glanced in the rearview mirror again to make sure Sadie was still asleep and then lowered his voice so there was no way it would carry to the back seat. “…damn near perfect.”
A warmth that had nothing to do with the sun streaming through the car’s windows washed over her at his words. She knew she was fortunate. Not only because she’d survived several near misses over the past few years but because of the life she’d been given. She’d never really dreamed that she would ever be this happy to be both a wife and mother; had almost given up the idea that it was even possible for her. But there she was, with a husband she loved with every breath in her body and a daughter who was such a wonderful blend of the two of them. Perfection couldn’t be any better than what she had.
Now she raised their joined hands so that the back of his was against her cheek. Suddenly the nightmare of a month ago didn’t seem to matter as much. Not as long as they were together. She closed her eyes, savoring the moment. When she opened them again, her eyes were bright with unshed tears of happiness.
“I couldn’t agree more.”
The End