Chapter Text
Monday - Morning
Taric had just set his bunny-slippers up on the coffee table in front of the television and pulled out his bedazzler when his doorbell rang. The gem knight sighed and got up and hurried over to the door. He'd been at the League long enough to know that if you didn't answer your door fast enough, it had a tendency to disappear.
So there Taric was, opening his door.
And on the other side was Garen. Shirtless. Shirtless Garen. Right there.
"Taric, Demacia has need of you!"
Taric tried not to hyperventilate. The abs. The biceps. The pecs. He failed.
"My lift partner Pantheon has informed me that you would be an excellent wedding planner because you are a poof. He also advised me to take off my shirt when speaking with you."
Trying not to pass out, Taric flailed.
Garen continued, "I have no idea what a poof is, I assume it means wedding planner, and Demacia has great need of a wedding planner."
Gasping for breath, Taric squeaked, "Garen, poof means gay."
Garen nodded sagely. "Ah, I see. You know, my younger sister is a poof. She likes flagpoles. Especially Demacian ones."
Taric blinked. Garen was truly, truly outrageous. "I don't think she does."
Garen shook his head. "I have it on good authority that my younger sister loves Riven's Demacian flagpole!"
"I don't think Riven has a flagpole, Demacian or otherwise."
"Yes she does, I've seen it."
"What."
"Prince Jarvan got her one for Snowdown! They keep it in the living room."
"Oh."
"So will you come to the aid of Demacia?" Garen asked.
Taric weighed his options. On the one hand, Garen was standing on his doorstep. Shirtless. Shirtless Garen. On other hand, Jinx was the new League therapist, so when working for the Demacians destroyed his sanity… "You know, Garen," Taric began.
"Yes? For Demacia?"
"If your sister is a poof, then she is no doubt a quite capable wedding planner herself."
Garen blinked. Why hadn't HE thought of that?
Monday – Morning
BANG BANG BANG
Riven rolled over in bed and pulled a pillow over her head.
"It's your turn to get the door, honey," said Lux. The Demacian cheerleader burrowed further beneath the blankets.
"He's your brother," muttered Riven. "And it's your door in your apartment."
BANG BANG BANG
Lux tugged at Riven's pillow. "Our apartment. You're a Demacian now, remember?"
Riven just clutched at the pillow more. "That's not what you were saying last night."
Lux went bright red. "Oh fine, I'll get the door."
BANG BANG BANG "LUXANNA, IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?" Garen called. "WHY HAVEN'T YOU COME TO THE DOOR? ARE YOU INCAPACITATED? HOLD ON, FEAR NOT, I'M-
Lux yanked the door open just as Garen swung to kick it down. The Might of Demacia went tumbling down as he fell into the apartment.
Lux looked down. "Garen, where is your shirt?"
Garen looked up. "Lux, where are your pants?"
Lux looked down at herself. She had, thank gods remembered to put on underwear before coming to the door. "It's my house, I can wear what I want to," she said. "Where is your shirt?"
"I went to meet with Taric," said Garen.
Lux squealed and jumped up and down. "RIVEN! RIVEN! GAREN'S FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE!"
An adequately clothed Riven came stumbling out of the bedroom, rubbing sleep from her eyes. "What? I thought he was in a long term committed relationship with Demacia?"
Lux continued to jump up and down. "But he's totally sleeping with Taric."
Garen huffed and pulled himself up of the floor. "I am doing no such thing," he said. "Taric is not nearly Demacian enough for me to ever consider engaging in relations with him." He paused. "I know what 'sleeping with' means, young lady!"
Riven rolled her eyes and started the coffee maker. "And who is Demacian enough? Jarvan? Valor?"
Garen nodded. "Both of them are quite Demacian."
Lux, attempting not to sound too overly disappointed, asked, "So what were you doing with Taric?"
"I was seeking to engage his services-
Riven coughed loudly, "Sex."
-as a wedding planner," Garen finished.
"Who's getting married?" Lux asked.
"You are," said Garen.
Riven froze.
Lux looked at Riven.
Riven looked at Lux.
"We'll talk about this later," said Lux. Lux turned back to her brother. "Garen, one does not simply plan her own wedding. Why don't you… go talk to Karma about this? I'm sure she can get you the help you need."
Monday – Afternoon
When the Might of Demacia arrived at his therapist's office, he found it looking quite different from the last time he was there. For starters, it looked like a bomb – or a bunch of bombs – had blown up in the waiting area. And then when he walked into the office proper, one of the walls was gone. And the coffee table was in splinters across the floor. And Karma's potted plant was missing. Oh, and Jinx was there instead of Karma.
Jinx waved. "Heya Garen," she said. She gestured to the office. "Like what my sister did with the place?"
"You have a sister?"
Jinx put a finger to her lips. "Shhh, it's a secret."
"You know, I have a sister," said Garen.
"Really?" said Jinx. "I never woulda known."
"And my sister is getting married," said Garen. "I have need of a wedding planner."
"Well, know what Jinx stands for?"
Garen shook his head.
Jinx grinned. "Stands for best wedding planner ever! Dur!"
Monday – Evening
Lux watched her significant other trip and fall in the kitchen. "Riven, really, you don't have to cook," she called out.
Covered in cuts, bruises, and scrapes, Riven glared at the… uhm, the stuff on the stove. "But I want to," she said.
"We could get Ionian take out," Lux offered. "It would probably be safer."
"I'm going to make this work!" said Riven.
Lux sighed and walked over to the kitchen. She took Riven by the hand and pulled the former Noxian away from the sharp pointy instruments of death and destruction. And then Lux got down on one knee and pulled a ring out of her pocket. "Riven, will you marry me?"
"I – but I – I was going to -
Still down on one knee, Lux smiled winningly. "I know this isn't terribly romantic, but the fire marshal banned all candles within five miles of the Institute two weeks ago after that incident with Brand and the yordles, so it's not like we could have had a candle-lit anything. And I know that the ring I'm holding is the one you bought last week, but I wanted to propose to you, not the other way around, and it would have been silly if we both bought different rings. And I know we've only been together a few months, but we both read that fanfic, so we know that this is really true love. So will you marry me?"
"Yes!" said Riven. She pulled Lux up and they kissed and it was all very romantic – at least until the stuff on the stove exploded and the fire department had to come in and everything got soaked. And then they just got Ionian take out.
Tuesday – Morning
Jinx crossed her arms and scrunched up her face and stuck out her tongue.
This thinking thing was so hard!
She was sitting in front of a computer, staring at the Wikipedia page for wedding planners.
Jinx. Stood. For. Best. Wedding. Planner. EVER.
… she had no idea what a wedding planner was.
And then it hit her. She pulled out a light bulb and held it over her head. Yes, yes, that was it.
What she needed was a poof!
Tuesday – Morning
Taric had just put his sparkling bunny-slippered feet up on the coffee table in front of the television when his doorbell rang. The gem knight sighed and got up and hurried over to the-
BOOM!
The door blew off its hinges hard enough to dent the far wall where it crashed.
Jinx suavely blew some smoke away from the tip of her rocket launcher. "Sup?"
Taric gaped. "My door! I was going to open it!"
Jinx shrugged. "I wanted to blow something up."
"Did it have to be my door?"
"Cheer up," said Jinx. "It could have been your face."
Taric sighed. Well then. He'd been planning on replacing his door with a more bedazzled version anyway. "What do you want?" he asked.
"You," said Jinx. "As a wedding planner."
Taric threw up his hands. "Why does everyone think I'm a wedding planner?"
"'Cuz you're gay," said Jinx.
"Not all gays are wedding planners," complained Taric in his wonderfully low, calm, sonorous baritone. "And how does everyone know I'm gay?"
Jinx opened her mouth into a big ridiculous smile. "Uh, look at yourself." And then she stuck a hand on her hip, stuck out her hip, took her other hand and put her fingers to her lips then fluttered her eyelashes. "Gems? Gems are truly outrageous. They are truly, truly, truly outrageous."
Taric was going to say something, but Jinx kept going -
"Functional and stylish. Ooooh. Emeralds! Rubies! Gems! Ooooooh yesssss."
If Taric had still had a door, he would have slammed it in Jinx's face. But he didn't have a door anymore, so maybe that had been the point. "Go away."
Jinx twirled one of her guns around on her finger. "Make me."
Taric grabbed his giant pink hammer from where it was resting by the door. "Go away."
Jinx was going to respond when Fishbones cut in for her. "Now, this doesn't have to come to violence," said the rocket launcher.
Taric paused and gave Jinx a funny look. "Was that you?"
The blue haired maniac shrugged. "Nah, that was Fishbones."
"I believe we can come to a mutually beneficial arrangement," said Fishbones.
"No, that's you pretending to be a gun," said Taric.
"Shh!" said Jinx. "You'll hurt his feelings!"
"Indeed," said Fishbones. "I am quite more sophisticated than my friend here."
"Awwww, we're friends!" said Jinx.
"Now where was I?" said Fishbones. "Ah, yes. You do something for us, and we'll do something for you."
Taric lowered his hammer slightly. "And what is it that you'd do for me?"
"I'm glad that you asked," said Fishbones. "And now I'll let my associate explain."
Jinx patted her rocket launcher. "Thanks Fishbones, you're the best!" And then she turned to Taric. "Ezreal," she said.
"What about him?" Taric said slowly.
"You and that blond twink like each other, right?" Jinx said. "But he's super flakey and not around much. What if I could get ahold of him for you?"
Taric weighed his options. On the one hand, he could get a date with Ezreal. Jinx's matchmaking abilities were quickly becoming the stuff of legend in the League. On the other hand, he'd have to work with the Demacians. But… but he could make it a musical. Lux and Riven's Wedding: The Musical.
Taric smiled.
"Deal."
Tuesday – Afternoon
Jinx waltzed into the police headquarters. "Caitlyn!" she called.
Vi stood up from her desk and walked over to get in Jinx's way. "She's busy," the enforcer grunted.
"But it looks like my favorite fatty isn't!" Jinx said. She reached out and patted Vi on the head.
Vi balled one gauntleted hand up into a fist and -
"Vi, you're still on probation!" came Caitlyn's voice from deeper in the office.
Vi lowered her fist. "I hate you," she said through gritted teeth.
Jinx blew her nemesis a kiss and walked past. "Caitlyn!" She went up to the sheriff's door and, in a very civil and polite non-violent manner, opened it like a normal human being.
Inside the office, Jayce was perched on Caitlyn's desk holding a sheet of paper. The sheriff herself had her feet up on the desk and was reading one of her Ionian comic books.
"Karma?" Jayce tried.
"No," said Caitlyn, flipping a page.
"Katarina?" asked Jayce.
"Doubtful," said Caitlyn.
"Kayle?" "LeBlanc? Leona?"
"No. No. No."
"Lissandra? Lulu?"
"You already suggested Lulu," said Caitlyn, rather absentmindedly.
"What are they talking about?" Jinx asked Fishbones.
"Why, I do believe they're speculating as to the identity of your sister by going through a list of female champions in alphabetical order," said the rocket launcher.
"Oh, it's going to take them forever then," said Jinx.
Meanwhile, Jayce, "Nami? Nidalee?"
"Nope, nope…"
"Orianna?"
Caitlyn finally looked up from her comic. "Really, Jayce?"
"Hey, have you two seen Ezreal anywhere?" Jinx asked.
"Not recently, he's quite slippery – really gets around," said Caitlyn. "Why?"
"I need him for Taric," said Jinx. "Can you help me out?"
"Oh, it's about time," said Caitlyn. "And of course I'll help."
"Wait, Ezreal's not a girl?" Jayce asked.
Caitlyn's left eye twitched. "We've been over this before."
"But Vi told me she knew for a fact that-
Caitlyn finally put down the manga. "VI! GET IN HERE!"
Vi stuck her head around the door. "Yeah, cupcake?"
"You told Jayce Ezreal was a girl," said Caitlyn.
Vi snorted and failed to look properly ashamed of herself.
"Go help Jinx find Ezreal. Do whatever she says."
"What? Cupcake!" Vi whined.
Jayce smiled triumphantly at Vi's misfortune. "Hah! You-
"You too!" Caitlyn ordered.
"But-
"GO!"
"Thanks Hat Lady, you're the best!"
Tuesday – Evening
And so it was that Jinx, carried in a litter on the shoulders of her two grunts, went up and down the halls of the League searching for Ezreal.
"Ezzzreaaaaal," Jinx called. "Ezzzzreaaaalllll. Herrrrre boy, herrrrreeee boyyyyy!"
"How are you so heavy?" Vi complained. "You're a twig. I don't get it."
"Probably the rocket launcher," Jayce grunted. He was having to bend down as he walked to even out his shoulders with Vi's.
"Hey, Fishbones, I think they're calling you fat," Jinx said.
"Oh dear, Jinx," said Fishbones. "That's not polite at all."
Jinx giggled. "And we all know what happens to rude people!"
Vi and Jayce promptly shut up.
Wednesday – Morning
Riven, eating her breakfast cereal, suddenly froze.
Lux glanced up from the morning crossword. "What is it?"
"No one has bothered us for over twenty-four hours," said Riven.
Lux paled. "I have a bad feeling about this."
Wednesday – Afternoon
"You don't think you should talk to the bride and groom?" Skarner asked. The crystal scorpion was sitting on the edge of the stage next to Taric, who was plying his mad bedazzler skills on the priest's vestments.
Taric huffed. "Of course not. What do they know about weddings?
Skarner stretched and yawned. "Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure," said Taric. "I'm gay, I know what I'm doing. Now, who should be the priest?"
"Hm. I believe Karma has religious qualifications," suggested Skarner.
Taric shook his head. "No, no, no, it must be a man. That's simply how it's done. And this song I've composed needs a man's baritone for the priest's part."
"So what about Kayle?" Skarner asked.
Taric gave his friend a strange look. "Kayle is… not a man."
The scorpion sighed. Kayle had a very tough exoskeleton. Didn't only male humans grow exoskeletons? That is what his sampling from the League roster indicated. "Monkeys are so strange..." he mused.
Taric sniffed. "Now, do you have any useful suggestions?"
Instead of answering, the scorpion decided to take a nap and leave Taric to his disaster.
Wednesday – Evening
Taric was drilling his dancers on their steps for the hundredth time (Varus, despite being great at waltzing, had zero talent for tap dancing and Lee Sin was having a really hard time visualizing the big picture) when Jinx, Vi, Jayce, and Ezreal arrived.
"Yo, Taric!" Jinx shouted from the back of the auditorium. She tapped her litter imperiously and, with a great sigh of relief, Vi and Jayce put her down. Poor Jayce immediately grabbed his lower back and started groaning. "I found Ez," Jinx said.
Taric looked up from what he was doing and blinked. "F-Fabulous!"
Ezreal waved at Taric. There was a flash of light and suddenly he was standing next to the gem knight. "I heard you were looking for me."
Taric nodded. "Ruby for vigor, yes."
Ezreal held up his smart phone. "You could have just used Grindr."
Jinx bopped herself in the head. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"We did think of that," said Vi. "But Jawline here wouldn't let us create a profile for him."
"I'm straight!" Jayce protested. "Straight as a ruler! Straight as a steel rod! Straight as -
"Uncooked spaghetti?" Jinx volunteered.
"Yeah, whatever, Jawline," said Vi.
"Jinx!" Taric called out. "I'm leaving you in charge!" And then Ezreal took his hand and they both vanished.
Jinx rolled her eyes. "Like I know how to plan a wedding." She pulled out a massive rocket, easily three times her size, hopped on it, and lit the fuse. "Vi, Jayce, you're in charge. See ya, suckers!"
BOOM.
Vi and Jayce were left in the theatre as debris from the blasted ceiling fell down around them.
Varus approached with Lee Sin behind him. "My contract says that you cannot require me to put on a shirt," Varus informed them.
Vi was about to say something very rude when she paused. "Hey Jawline," she said. "I'll bet we'd make great wedding planners!"
Thursday – Evening - Lux
Lux was just walking home, minding her own business when suddenly someone had grabbed her by the waist and was running off with her.
Lux was about to laser the face off of whoever it was when she recognized the bright pink hair. "VI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PUT ME DOWN!"
Vi just laughed. "You're going to your bachelor party!"
Thursday – Evening - Riven
Riven was about to start making dinner (or something that would vaguely resemble dinner) when someone knocked at the door. Grabbing her sword, just in case, Riven went and opened it.
A limousine was parked outside in the middle of the grand hallway. Lee Sin was standing there, holding one of the car doors open. From inside the vehicle, Jayce poked his head out. "Ah, hello Riven. If you'd just join me, we can get going immediately. We're already late!"
"… to what?" Riven asked, dreading the answer.
"Why, your bachelorette party of course!"
"But I need to cook dinner," said Riven.
Jayce waved his hand dismissively. "Don't worry, Lux is being taken care of."
Riven clutched her sword to her chest and hesitantly got into the car. Lee Sin closed the door behind her and went around to get into the driver's seat.
Thursday – Evening – Back with Lux
"Surprise!" everyone yelled as Lux entered the bar. The place was decked out in blue and gold and what seemed like all of Demacia was there.
Lux giggled nervously. "Really, you shouldn't have…"
Jarvan puffed up his chest magnificently. "Ah, but it is traditional!"
"No, really, you shouldn't have," said Lux.
"First round of drinks is on me," declared the prince.
Lux sighed. Well, she could go ahead and make the most of it, she supposed. "I'll get an Irish car bomb."
Thursday – Evening – Riven's Bachelorette Party
Riven ended up reaching the establishment right on time. She was with Jayce. Of course they were on time.
Jayce threw open the doors of the rather swanky restaurant that he'd chosen and… Nothing.
Inside the restaurant, there was a large table set out for them, but only Cassiopeia and Draven were sitting at it.
Noxians sucked at being on time.
"That spoon is for your soup," Cassiopeia hissed at Draven. "Not for admiring your reflection!"
Draven, dressed in a very smart tuxedo, scoffed. "Every reflective surface is for Draven to admire Draven!"
Thursday – Evening – Lux, Again
The party was quite intoxicated when Varus arrived.
"Look, it's the stripper!" an exceedingly drunk Vi shouted.
Valor squawked. Quinn interpreted, "Valor would like to know how he's going to strip if he's not wearing anything to start out with."
Fiora jumped up and down while holding her drink (which promptly splashed all over the very sober and very grumpy Xin Zhao). "I vould like a' danse!" she slurred in her highly accented Demacian.
Lux was hiding at a table in the back of the bar, desperately chugging alcohol in hopes that she'd get drunk enough to deal with the chaos all around her.
Sona floated over to her table.
"Oh, Sona," said Lux. "Thank Demacia, someone sane. What-
The maven of strings grabbed Lux's wrist and pulled the light mage back over to the party and right up to a giant white, gold, and blue cake.
"Oh no," said Lux.
Thursday – Evening – Lest We Forget Riven…
Dinner was under way by the time the last Noxian showed up.
Fashionably late, LeBlanc found two place settings open, split into two, and sat down at both.
At the extreme other end of the table, Swain raised an eyebrow and turned to Jayce. "You thought ahead enough to have two seats for LeBlanc? Exceptional."
Jayce preened. "Of course I did. And I also remembered not to invite Singed."
A little ways down the table, Cassiopeia stood – er – slithered up. "I would like to make a toast," she declared, holding her class of red wine high. The diners fell quiet and all eyes turned to the younger Du Couteau sister. "I've known Riven for-
"WAIT!" shouted Draven. He jumped up. "Draven gets to make a toast first!"
Cassiopeia rolled her eyes in exasperation and sat back down. "Fine, whatever," she said. "It's not like I've known the guest of honor for way longer than you have or anything."
Draven raised his glass. "I'd like to propose a toast to Riven, wishing her much joy and happiness for her future with Lux. To every lovely lady bright, I wish a gallant faithful knight. To every faithful lover too, I wish a trusting lady true. To Riven!"
The table raised their glasses and drank. As Draven sat down, Darius leaned over and set his axe against the younger man's neck. "Who are you and what have you done with my brother?"
Thursday – Evening – Back to Lux
So Ahri had been in the cake. And then the cake opened and then Ahri was not in the cake anymore. Ahri was, in fact, now in the middle of the room doing a pole dance on Jarvan's flagpole and wearing what was rapidly becoming half the Demacian treasury.
Smiling from ear to ear, Garen walked up to Lux. "Isn't this wonderful?" he asked. "You're getting married! And everyone is having so much Demacian fun!"
Lux massaged her temples and wondered what "Noxian fun" would look like.
Thursday – Evening – Riven!
"-and then Riven says, 'no sword is too big for me!'" Sion finished.
The table exploded in a gale of laughter. Katarina stood up, though she drunkenly wobbled on her feet. "Yeah, well, I was there when Riven lost her virginity!"
Riven buried her face in her hands. "Kat, shut up!" she shouted.
"I was there too!" Cassiopeia volunteered.
"Yeah, well, of course you were," Katarina said.
Draven immediately had a massive nosebleed and passed out.
"So there I was," Katarina began, "minding my own business when I hear this noise-
"Kaaaat, pleeeeease," Riven moaned. She was practically hiding under the table at this point.
"A little bit like that, actually," said Katarina. "So then I-
Friday – Morning
The first thing Riven noticed when she woke up was that everything smelled like booze. She smelled like booze. Lux smelled like booze. Their bed smelled like booze. The bathroom smelled like vomit – and booze.
Riven brushed her teeth, took a shower, and then brushed her teeth again. When she was done, Lux was sitting on the living room couch, hiding under a blanket. "Riven," Lux groaned.
"Yeah?" Riven said.
"Let's just elope."
"Kay."
Friday – Afternoon
Vi and Jayce stood nervously at the back of the chapel.
If the bride and… bride didn't arrive soon, there was a non-zero chance that everything would explode in a fit of violence. The Noxians were making funny faces at the Demacians seated across the aisle and no one had thought to have a weapons check at the door.
And. And Veigar was not at all happy that his priest's outfit was covered in rhinestones.
Taric edged up with Ezreal at his side. "Why aren't there people getting married yet?" the gem knight asked. "My script specifically calls for the wedding vows to be said right now."
Quinn approached the group. "Valor says that Lux and Riven have eloped and are now on their honeymoon," she said. "And Garen's run off after them."
Taric's face went mauve. "But if no one gets married, the post-vow blowout number won't make sense!"
"You know," said Quinn, "You and Ezreal could always get married."
Epilogue 1
"Tristana?" Jayce tried.
"No," said Cailyn.
"Vayne?"
"No."
"Then it must be Vi," said Jayce. "Because Zyra is a plant. So Vi is all that's left."
"You recognize that Zyra isn't a possibility because she's a plant, but not that Anivia…" Caitlyn shook her head. "It's not Vi, that's absurd. This entire thing is absurd. Jinx's sister probably isn't at the League anyway."
But Jayce wasn't one to give up so easily. "Vi makes so much sense!" he exclaimed. "It's been in front of us for all this time! Jinx has blue hair, and Vi has pink hair…"
"If they were related, wouldn't they have the same hair color?" Caitlyn asked, applying her immense skills of logic.
"And Vi wears clothes and Jinx doesn't…"
"How does that have anything to do with them being sisters?"
"Vi is tall and Jinx is short…"
Caitlyn just shook her head and gave up.
Epilogue 2
Stretched out on a towel at the beach, Riven let out a relaxed sigh.
Lying beside her wife, Lux stretched and adjusted her sunglasses. "It's so nice to be away from everything at the League, for once."
"Mm, yeah," said Riven. "Especially Garen."
Lux nodded. "Especially Garen."
Riven said nothing in reply. She just lay there and enjoyed the peace and quiet as Lux did the same.
Then -
"Lux! Did you remember to use sunscreen? I don't want my nieces and nephews to get skin cancer!"
Riven and Lux both sat up and looked at each other.
"You had to say something," Lux moaned.
Epilogue 3
At the beach, kneeling in the sand and working on bedazzling his beach chair, Taric cocked his head to the side. "Ezreal, do you hear something?"
Ezreal frowned. "Yeah. It sounds a lot like…"
Suddenly Garen went running past them.
And then there was a brief flash of light -
"DEMACIA!"