Archive of Our Own ^beta

Barry blinked groggily. Eyes scrunching up in the brightness of the room. The sunlight streaming in unfiltered through the open curtains. He rolled over with a sleepy sound to put the light at his back. An arm wrapping around the warm body next to him.

“Morning scarlet.”

Barry startled awake and Snart almost caught an elbow to the face as the speedster flailed over the side of the bed.

“Snart?” Barry started but stopped when he lifted his hand to rest against the bed and caught sight of the gold band on his finger.

“Barry…”

Barry continued to stare at the ring on his finger. Possibilities over how it had gotten there circling in his head. Each one more ludicrous than the other but whether it was a drunken mistake or something more insidious all his suspicions fell on Snart. He couldn’t see how else he could have ended up in bed with him unless he was involved somehow.

“What the hell did you do?” Barry demanded, finally raising his eyes to look at Snart.

“I do?”

Barry groaned at the lame double entendre and rubbed a hand over his eyes. He’s not even sure if the pun had been intentional with how confused Snart sounded.

“Joe is going to kill me.” Barry wasn’t sure which thing his adoptive father was going to be angrier over. That Barry had married Captain Cold, or that he hadn’t been invited to the wedding.

“Calm down. Joe’s not killing anyone.” Snart drawled, rising from the bed to pull on his pants. Still sounding half-asleep.

“Don’t tell me to calm down! This! This,” Barry exclaimed gesturing wildly to the ring on his finger, “is not happening.”

Snart snatched his shirt up from the floor, turning it right side out before pulling it on. “Pretty sure it already happened, scarlet.” He said as he came around towards the end of the bed to get a better look at Barry.

Barry gritted his teeth as frustration bubbled up inside him. He sped forward to grab Snart by the front of his sweater, Snart flinching as his back was slammed up against one of the dressers in the room. The impact knocking a few framed photos over in the process. Snart looked scared and that in itself made Barry falter. Snart was never one to be so open with his emotions. Always ready with a smirk and a sarcastic remark to cover up how he really felt.

Barry looked away. His eyes scanning the room around them. It didn’t look to be a hotel room as Barry in his confusion had initially suspected. There were what looked to be a family photo on a wall and a few on the dresser behind Len. He recognized some of those. They were pictures that used to be on his dresser back at Joe’s house. Of Joe, Iris, and Barry. There were even a few of his mom and dad. The one on the wall of him, Len, and a small boy hugged close in Barry’s arms he didn’t recognize at all.

“Barry-” Snart started but a child’s cry from down the hall interrupted whatever he was going to say.

Barry looked towards the open doorway leading out to the hall and back to the family photo on the wall before asking in bewilderment, “You have a kid?”

“It’s Michael.” Snart prompted, giving Barry a troubled look. He paused as if waiting for some sign of recognition before continuing, “Our son.”

Barry dropped his hands from Snart’s sweater and took a stumbling step back. None of this made any sense. They were married? They had a son?

Snart pushed off from the dresser and sidestepped Barry to get to the door. Barry followed after him a few minutes later when the crying had quieted.

Barry turned into the room at the end of the hall. Snart was sitting on a bed with the boy who had been in the photograph on his lap, talking to him softly as he smoothed down tousled brown curls. The boy looked about five maybe a little younger with brown skin and blue eyes that were identical to Len’s.

The child- Michael- sniffled and rubbed at his eyes with a fist. He reached out when he saw Barry standing in the doorway and Barry took a step back. His heart racing and his thoughts speeding even faster. What the hell was going on? This wasn’t right. This couldn’t be real.

“I don’t remember. I don’t remember how I got here.” Barry shook his head. His hands fisting against his head, taking another step back as he looked to the little boy in Snart’s arms. “I don’t… I’m sorry.”

“Barry!” Snart called after him but Barry was already speeding away, out of the house and down the street.

*

Barry tried to figure out what had happened as he sped towards S.T.A.R. labs. The last thing he remembered was being at Saints and Sinners making good use of the solution to his drinking problem that Caitlin had perfected. He’d sat alone at the bar, pouring the chemical compound into each shot the bartender served him. Trying to forget that it was the anniversary of his mother’s death. Trying and failing to not think about how he had let her die.

Barry had originally gone there looking for Snart. Who was undoubtedly behind the recent theft of a painting at the Central City Museum given that the alarm system had been frozen. He knew Snart would most likely refuse to return the stolen property but he’d gone looking for him anyway. When Barry hadn’t been able to find him at any of his usual hangouts he’d given in to the melancholy clinging to him and had ordered a drink at the bar. The bartender had carded him which was embarrassing but soon forgotten under the buzz of alcohol.

There’d been a girl there that had leaned against the bar. Pretty, with her long blond hair pulled back in a ponytail and brown eyes that settled on Barry with interest. He hadn’t shared the same interest. Had ignored her until she’d touched his hand. A bracelet of small bells on her wrist ringing softly as she leaned in to whisper in his ear.

“It can get better, Barry.”

A tingling warmth had spread up Barry’s arm as she spoke. The bells on her wrist seeming to drown out all the other sounds in the bar. He’d tried to jerk away but had only succeeded in falling off his stool. Her hand still holding onto his tightly. The world had spun out as he made impact with the floor and the next thing he knew he was waking up in Snart’s bed.

A metahuman then. She had to be. It was the only explanation for all of this.

Snart’s house was much closer than Joe’s had been and in a short time Barry came to a halt in the middle of the cortex. Harry was there next to Cisco looking over something on a computer screen. They both looked up as a flutter of papers blowing into the air signaled Barry’s arrival.

Caitlin stepped out of one of the labs hearing the noise only to come to a halt as her eyes landed on Barry. She averted her gaze rather quickly. It was only then that Barry looked down at himself and realized he was wearing nothing but boxer briefs, having speeded out of the house without any clothes.

“Someone maybe want to get Mr. Allen some pants?” Harry suggested and it earned a look from Cisco who pulled the sucker he was working on out of his mouth to speak.

“Last time I checked your legs worked just fine.” Cisco pointed out, swiveling his chair to face Harry.

“I’ll get them.” Caitlin offered rather quickly and disappeared from the room.

“Something happen?” Cisco questioned. “I thought you and the hubby were going to take the day off.”

“I ran out on him.” Barry admitted, not knowing what else to say.

“Are you two having a spat?” Caitlin asked as she reappeared with a folded STAR labs shirt and gray sweatpants. She’d had the forethought to grab a pair of spare shoes Barry kept at the lab as well.

“Why? Do we fight a lot?”

“No.” Caitlin replied, head tilting and eyes narrowing in confusion as to why Barry would be asking her. “Not since he stopped robbing people.”

Barry blinked dumbly feeling completely blindsided. “He what now?”

Harry exchanged a look with Caitlin and Cisco before he informed, “The Mayor granted him a full pardon for helping you stop Zoom. You and Lisa managed to convince him not to waste the opportunity for a better life. You don’t remember?”

“For real?” Barry started. “Wait. Zoom is gone? Snart helped?”

“Barry, are you feeling okay?” Caitlin questioned gingerly.

“I don’t know.” Barry said with a shake of his head as he pulled on the sweatpants Caitlin handed to him. “I don’t know what is happening. I don’t remember any of this happening.”

Caitlin, Cisco, and Harry exchanged worried glances while Barry tugged the STAR labs sweatshirt over his head.

“There was a girl. Blonde with a bell bracelet. I think she did something to me. I can’t remember marrying Len. Or how we ended up with a kid.” Barry rushed out.

Harry raised a hand, gesturing it from side to side. “Barry, Barry slow down.”

“What is the last thing you do remember?” Caitlin questioned.

“Last thing I remember is going for a drink at Saints and Sinners. You’d just figured out the correct formula so alcohol could affect me again.”

“Barry,” Caitlin paused, her expression one of deep concern, “that was three years ago.”

“What?” Barry gasped, blinking rapidly as he processed the implications. “But I was just there.”

“You’ve time traveled before Barry is there any chance that this could be what’s happened?” Harry questioned.

“I wasn’t…running.” Barry faltered. “There was a girl. I was sure she was…” He pressed a hand to his eyes as his head throbbed. Had he seen that girl three years ago? Had he lost his memories? Or had he somehow ended up in the future? Maybe all of this was just a dream and he would wake up any minute now in a world that still made sense.

“I’m going to need to run some tests.” Caitlin said as she moved closer to Barry but he stepped back, shaking his head at her. He still had questions.

“Will someone please tell me how I ended up with Snart?”

“You asked me out.” Snart’s voice said from the doorway to the cortex and Barry turned to look at him. He did look a little older. His hair had lightened beyond what Barry remembered. Did Barry look older? “I asked you out?”

Snart nodded as he continued, “I told you ‘never really been the dating kind scarlet.’”

“And, what happened?” Barry prompted.

Snart smiled as he remembered and it was the strangest thing to Barry. To see a smile on Snart’s face that wasn’t twisted with smugness. “You kissed me. I thought you were just messing with me until you did that.”

They were less than a foot apart now and Snart took Barry’s hands in his. His thumbs circling over the skin gently. It was soothing in the same way it had been when Barry’s mother had done it when he was little. Had he told Snart about that? Shared such an intimate detail of his past? Whatever the truth was he could feel his heart rate slow.

Barry took a deep breath and let it out gradually. The tightness in his chest loosening enough that he felt he could really breathe again.

“How did you know I was here?”

“That was me.” Cisco said, raising his hand. “I texted him.”

Snart stayed silent. As if waiting for Barry to decide how to proceed.

“What do I call you?” Barry asked quietly. He doubted he called him Snart. Doubted just as much that he called him Leonard.

“Len. You call me Len.”

Barry repeated the name shakily and let Caitlin pull him away at last.

*

Barry let Caitlin run her barrage of tests. When she’d finished however she seemed even more at a loss than when she’d started.

“Everything checks out as normal.” Caitlin concluded with a frown as she looked over a brain scan for the fifth time. “No damage to the hippocampus or lesions. No abnormalities in your brain waves. You haven’t suffered a head injury anytime recently.”

“So what would cause this then?” Len asked. He sounded genuinely concerned and it made Barry regret his actions that morning.

“I wish I knew,” Caitlin said with a shake of her head. “Hopefully whatever caused it is only temporary. In the meantime it may be wise if you took some time off from the CCPD,” Caitlin ventured. “Maybe put Flash business on hold as well.”

“Look, I feel fine,” Barry protested with a shake of his head. “It might be hard to cover for this at the precinct but I can still do my patrols.”

“Dude you’ve lost three years worth of your memory.” Cisco frowned. “I think that earns you a vacation.”

Barry pressed his lips together. Not knowing what to say to that. He still wasn’t any closer to understanding what had happened. But whether it was amnesia or time travel or simply a bad dream he was stuck here, like this, until he could figure out how to get things back to normal. Whatever that normal may be.

“It might be best if he did keep patrolling.” Len spoke up suddenly from where he was leaning against the wall. “It’s familiar. Might help to jog his memory.”

“That’s a good point.” Caitlin agreed reluctantly.

Barry mouthed a thank you to Len who tipped his head in acknowledgment. He felt like a stranger in his own life. The last thing he wanted was to have the familiarity of patrolling the city taken away from him. Not that Cisco and Caitlin could stop him if he decided to continue working on his own. He just preferred it if he had the help of his team. He was still adjusting to the fact that Cold- Len- was a part of that team now.

“I do think you should at least take the day off like you had originally planned though.” Caitlin suggested. “Even if it’s to just get your bearings.”

“Is there anything I can do to help him?” Len asked and Barry looked from Caitlin to him.

“Just try to help him go about his day normally.” Caitlin recommended. “Hopefully something will trigger his memory.”

Len nodded and Barry looked to him feeling like he needed an invitation to go home with him. Which was certainly not required since technically in whatever timeline or dream world he was in now it was his house too.

“Do you wanna ride Barry?” Len asked quietly and Barry nodded.

Before they could head out though Jesse hurried into the cortex her arms laden with shopping bags. Iris appeared behind her a short time later with far fewer bags. They both were slightly out of breath and wore concerned expressions as their eyes fell on Barry.

“Hey Barry.” Jesse greeted, her voice colored with worry. “Cisco texted. Said something was wrong.”

“We got here as soon as we could.” Iris added as she set her bags down by the computer console.

“So what happened?” Jesse asked as her eyes looked over Barry. Probably checking to see if he were injured.

“Barry here has lost about three years worth of his memory.” Harry explained.

“Is there anything we can do?” Iris asked as she looked around at the people gathered in the cortex.

“Right now seems all we can do is wait and see.” Caitlin replied. She sounded so defeated.

“You did what you could Caitlin.” Barry tried to smile reassuringly at her. “I’ll be okay guys. I’m just going to go home and rest for the day. Maybe if I get some sleep it’ll help.” Or, hopefully, he’d wake up back in his own life.

“I guess the zoo outing is canceled then.” Iris smiled somewhat sadly. “I know it’s the anniversary of your mother’s death and it’s become kind of a tradition for our whole family to do at least one thing the two of you loved doing together when she was alive but maybe it is better if you rest for the day.”

Iris’s words tugged at Barry’s heart. The idea to honor his mother’s life in such a way was simple yet somehow deeply profound.

“Was that your idea?” Barry asked softly, because Iris always had had such a caring heart but she shook her head and looked past Barry towards Len.

“It was his.” Iris replied, looking past Barry to where Len was standing just behind him.

Barry turned to Len, hoping his surprise didn’t show too clearly on his face because if he and this Len were together then this Len must really care for him. Barry couldn’t see himself marrying a man who’d once been a criminal otherwise.

Cisco was looking between the two of them as if waiting for something significant to happen. When nothing did he cleared his throat to draw their attention. “Harry, Caitlin, and I will look into other reasons why you may not remember.”

“I’ll help too.” Jesse volunteered.

“You should go Barry.” Caitlin suggested. “Get some rest.”

Cisco looked between Barry and Len as he spoke, “You’ll call us if you need anything?”

“Promise.” Barry nodded.

“I want to hear it from you too.” Cisco gestured towards Len with his sucker. “Because I know you. You bottle stuff up.”

“I have a therapist for that Cisco.”

“Therapist isn’t family.” Cisco proclaimed as Len started walking Barry towards the door. “If you guys go to the zoo I won’t be able to come. I’ll be here. Working to help Barry.”

“We’re not going to the zoo Cisco.” Len called back.

“Right.” Cisco replied. “But if you do bring me back a t-shirt bro.”

“We’re not going.” Len repeated with a chuckle.

It was chilly outside and Barry kept stride with Len as they crossed the parking lot. Barry looked around for anything out of the ordinary but all he found were the usual buildings and paved streets.

“What did Cisco mean about family back there?” Barry questioned once they were nearing the car.

“Oh.” Len looked up from his keys. “He’s marrying Lisa.”

Barry stopped, letting the information sink in before closing the distance that had built up between them. He got in the car and buckled his seatbelt when reminded. Then the car was leaving the parking lot and heading out onto the street.

It was a little overwhelming how much was supposed to have changed in three years. Cisco was marrying Lisa. Barry was married to Len. They had a son. Zoom was defeated.

Barry massaged his temples. His head still hurt.

“You okay?”

“Fine.” Barry answered, looking out the car window as he let his hands drop. “Just a bit of a headache.”

“I’d offer you Advil but you’d-”

“Just burn right through it. I know.” Barry sighed.

The car was quiet after that. Barry thought about turning on the radio but decided the silence would be better for his head.

“How long have we been married?” They were almost back to the house by this point but Barry had only just now worked up the nerve to ask.

“A little over two years.” Len answered simply. “We dated for about a year before you proposed though.”

“I proposed?” Barry couldn’t keep the surprise out of his voice as he looked to Len.

Len nodded in response.

“Wow. Okay.” Barry breathed as he turned his eyes back towards the road. “How did that happen exactly? I don’t mean,” Barry whipped his head to the side to look at Len again, “like how could it happen. I meant-” He broke off catching the quirk to Len’s mouth.

“I know what you meant Barry.” Len said and his voice held the sound of laughter.

“Don’t laugh.” Barry said, trying to be upset and failing miserably at it as a grin overtook his face. “I don’t remember. You can’t laugh at me when I don’t remember.”

The house came into view a moment later. Barry hadn’t had time to really look at it before as he’d sped away. It was a small off-white craftsman house with a grey roof and wooden steps leading up to the porch. A few bushes sat against the house that may have been the flowering kind but it was too cold to know for sure yet.

Len exited the car first and Barry took a deep breath before following after him. He climbed the steps slowly, looking around at the front yard and the porch as he did. A porch swing swayed slightly as the wind picked up and Barry shrugged deeper into his STAR labs sweatshirt.

“Daddy!” Michael cried excitedly when Len walked in through the door trailed closely by Barry.

Barry had expected him to be running for Len so he was a little surprised when he stopped in front of him instead and held up a drawing.

“Pop-pop said you weren’t feeling well so I made you a present.” Michael informed and Barry looked to Joe who had apparently been assigned babysitting duty before turning his attention back to the little boy.

Barry smiled as he crouched down to accept the drawing, hoping the tension he felt wasn’t bleeding into his smile. “Hey. Thanks buddy.” He sounded awkward even to his own ears.

Michael shifted from foot to foot as he looked at Barry with worry. “Are you better now?”

Barry opened his mouth to respond but couldn’t think of a way to explain what was wrong. He didn’t want to scare the kid. Or cross some line he wasn’t aware of.

“Daddy’s still not feeling very well.” Len answered in the face of Barry’s silence. “He’s having some trouble remembering some things. We’re going to need to help him out for a while, okay? Can you do that for me?”

Barry smiled more genuinely as Michael nodded. He had never seen a child look so determined.

“I’m guessing the trip to the zoo is off?” Joe pondered out loud.

“We’re not going?” Michael pouted.

“Daddy should probably rest Michael.”

“It’s just the zoo Len.” Barry reasoned. He already hated seeing Michael sad. “And I feel fine.”

“Are you sure Barry?” Len questioned. “You said you had a headache.”

“It’s better now.” Barry assured. “We can go.”

Michael clapped his hands together as he said something excitedly about elephants that Barry didn’t quite catch.

“He hasn’t had his bath yet.” Joe informed. “Kept complaining that it was Saturday and daddy is the one that gives him his bath on Saturday.”

Len sighed. His eyes falling closed hearing this. “Michael-”

“I can do it.” Barry broke in, picking up Michael when the little boy reached for him. “I mean Caitlin said to stick to what we normally do, right?”

“Okay.” Len agreed, taking the drawing from Barry so he could hold Michael more easily.

It’s just…um…” Barry turned in a circle. Obviously lost. “Where is the bathroom exactly?”

Joe’s eyes widened in surprise. Barry’s confusion seeming to hit home how very little he actually remembered. He eventually pointed upstairs and said, “First door on the left,” and Barry nodded his thanks before heading for the bathroom with Michael in his arms.

Barry set Michael down on the floor then went to fill the bathtub while Michael got undressed.

“Do you need help getting in?” Barry asked when the tub was filled high enough and the water had been shut off.

Michael shook his head and climbed in on his own.

“The temperature okay?”

“Yeah.” Michael replied, distracted by one of his bath toys. A small sailboat that he skimmed over the water before dunking it beneath the surface.

“What’s your favorite thing about your dad?”

“Mm…” Michael thought for a minute. “I can’t pick just one.”

“Well, what’s a few things then?” Barry was probably going to hell for coaxing information out of a child like this.

“He does the voices during story time. And he plays with me. Oh and he makes really good pancakes!”

“What does your dad do besides take care of you? Does he work?” To hell. Straight to hell.

“Dad works with the police sometimes.”

“Does he?”

“Yeah. With pop-pop.” Michael nodded. “And he does some kind of security thing. Sometimes he helps you and your friends with being the Flash, but we’re not supposed to talk about it outside of the family because it’s a secret.” He added the last part in a whisper.

Barry smiled at that and reached for the cup on the edge of the bathtub to put water in to wash Michael’s hair.

Michael put his hands over his head in protest though.

“The sooner you wash your hair the sooner you can see those elephants.” Barry reasoned with a coaxing smile.

Michael shook his head. “Shampoo hurts my eyes.”

“I won’t put it in your eyes then. I’ll put in your hair.” Barry teased as he filled the cup with water and managed to get Michael’s hair wet even while he tried to squirm away.

“That’s what you always say.” Michael put his hands over his head again as Barry reached for the shampoo.

“You really want to keep those elephants waiting?”

Michael dropped his hands but kept pouting as Barry worked the 2-in-1 kids shampoo and conditioner into the boy’s hair.

“Okay. We just need to rinse now.”

Michael closed his eyes and tipped his head back. His face scrunching up as Barry carefully poured the water over Michael’s head to wash out the suds, the side of a hand resting against the little boy’s forehead to keep the rivulets of water that didn’t cooperate from getting in his eyes.

“See, that didn’t hurt did it?” Barry asked as Michael rubbed open palms against his eyes.

“Yes it did.” Michael said giving Barry a defiant look that reminded him so much of the Len from his world that he burst out laughing.

“What?” Michael asked immediately starting to smile hearing Barry’s laughter.

Barry shook his head. “It’s nothing. You just remind me of your dad. You ready to get out?”

Michael nodded and Barry steadied him as he stepped out of the tub and got him into a towel. After toweling Michael dry Barry followed the towel wrapped boy down the hall to his bedroom.

“Can I wear my Pikachu shirt today?” Michael asked.

“Sure.” Barry said sorting through the drawers until he found a yellow shirt with the smiling cartoon rodent’s face on it. He got a pair of pants out as well along with clean underwear and socks.

Michael was better about getting dressed than getting his hair washed. He was hurrying ahead of Barry a few minutes letter, fully clothed with a bright smile on his face.

Joe and Len stopped talking about whatever they’d been discussing when Michael and Barry came into the living room.

“I called Iris, Wally, and Henry.” Joe informed. “Said they’ll meet us there with Lisa.”

“Okay.” Barry looked to Len. Still feeling like he was intruding. “Do you mind if I use your shower real quick?”

“It’s your shower too Barry. You don’t need my permission.” Len reminded gently.

Barry nodded a bit self-consciously and flashed back upstairs to speed through a quick shower. He paused when it came time to fix his hair though and stood in front of the mirror staring at his reflection. The subtle differences that three year’s time had made on his appearance probably wouldn’t have been so startling if he had any memory at all of aging, but he didn’t and so found himself leaning forward and turning his head from side to side. His hair was shorter on the sides giving the illusion that his hair was a bit longer on top. It made him look less boyish. More mature. He leaned back finally and let out the breath he’d been holding. Maybe now at least he wouldn’t be carded at bars.

Barry wrapped a towel around his waist when he was done drying his hair and peeked outside the bathroom door. When he was sure he was alone he headed to the bedroom he’d woken up in that morning.

He found his clothes in the dresser he had slammed Len up against that morning and dressed quickly in jeans and a red sweater, trying not to think too much about what had happened before heading back downstairs.

A few minutes later they were all getting into cars. Len taking it upon himself to get Michael properly buckled into his booster seat.

Barry watched out the window when they finally headed out. He could do this. It was just the zoo.

*

They met up with Iris, Lisa, Wally, and Henry at the entrance. Henry hugged Barry tightly and asked him if he was feeling any better. Apparently Iris had filled him in on what was going on before Joe had even called. Barry felt a little guilty for not having called his dad right away. There was nothing he could do about it now though other than to hug him back and promise he’d call if anything came up.

They visited the elephants first because of how excited Michael was to see them. The little boy running a short distance ahead of them to get there first, standing on his tiptoes to try and get a better view over the enclosure fence.

“You’re almost as fast as your daddy.” Wally joked, giving Barry a wink before lifting Michael up onto his shoulders so he could have a better view.

“No I’m not.” Michael protested, leaning forward to watch the elephants. His attention already shifting from Wally’s comment.

They watched the elephants lumbering about their enclosure while Iris read facts off a sign near the pen. Barry could remember coming here as a child with the same enthusiasm as Michael. He still remembered what the sign said but listened to Iris talk about how elephants mourned their dead and could live up to seventy years.

They moved on to the hippos when Michael was finally ready to and Barry kept pace with Joe as they walked.

“So Len works with you now?” Barry asked Joe as they fell behind the others.

“He sometimes works as a consultant on cases that his background would be helpful on.”

Barry nodded. That made sense. “Michael said Len also did some work in security?”

“Oh.” Joe huffed a laugh and shook his head. “I guess you could call it that. He gets hired by companies sometimes to break into their buildings and then tell them where the weaknesses in their security are.”

“Who came up with that idea?”

“You did.” Joe smiled. “He needed an outlet after the pardon went through. He’d lived a life of crime too long for him to kick the habit. So, you came up with that as a solution. He gets to play thief and it’s all above board. It did take some convincing in the beginning. Not just convincing him but also businesses to trust him. He did have the Flash backing him up though. That helped.”

So Len had really reformed then. Barry cast his eyes over to where the man was standing with his son who was saying something animatedly to Lisa. Iris and Henry were both snapping pictures. Iris of the hippos. Henry of his grandson.

“You were okay with me dating him?”

“Oh hell no.” Joe replied with a shake of his head and a huff of laughter. “I was the last person to come around. But, seeing how much he loved you. It convinced me to give him a chance. You kept it from all of us for nearly a month though. I think everyone was upset about that more than anything else. Only Cisco knew from the start.”

Barry and Joe caught up with the others and they walked the zoo pathway as a group, stopping in front of the exhibits and chatting about the animals they saw.

There was a stand set up selling lettuce leaves next to the giraffe exhibit and they all bought some. Barry held Michael up when it was his turn because he was too short for the giraffe to reach easily. The little boy giggled as the giraffe eagerly licked at the lettuce with its long black tongue before managing to get its lips on the leaf to pull from his hand to crunch on. Henry snapping pictures the entire time.

This had been Barry’s favorite exhibit to go to with his mom. She had always loved the giraffes. Her face brightening when she’d fed them with Barry.

Something must show on Barry’s face as he remembered because Len had an arm around him the next minute.

“You okay?” Len asked, giving Barry’s shoulder a squeeze.

“Yeah.” Barry smiled. “Just remembering her. It’s good though.”

They watched Lisa feed the giraffe. Len’s arm staying where it was around Barry as if it was the most natural thing in the world. It didn’t feel as strange as it should have.

“I know that you must really love me to have come up with this idea.” Barry said quietly and Len looked at him with a soft smile. It made Barry’s heart beat a little faster. No one had ever looked at him that way before. “So, I wanted to say thank you.”

“You’re welcome Barry.”

They visited a few more exhibits, including the sloth which Iris thought was adorable and took about twenty pictures of before being pried away by Lisa to see the large cats pacing in their cages.

They made a quick stop by the gift shop on their way out where Len dutifully bought Cisco a t-shirt with a sea turtle on it and Michael a stuffed elephant before heading out of the zoo.

Hugs went around the group before they parted ways. Joe getting a ride with Wally rather than Len since the two of them still lived in the same house.

Barry helped Michael get situated in his booster seat this time. The little boy hugging the stuffed elephant he’d gotten at the gift shop happily as he was buckled in.

“Why do you think I can’t remember?” Barry asked Len as he slid into the passenger seat of the car.

“I don’t know.” Len said after a moment of silence. “I’m sure your team will figure it out though.”

*

Days became weeks, weeks became months, and still no memories returned and Barry failed to wake up suddenly back in his old life.

When the others went home from S.T.A.R. labs at night Barry would run through the city hoping to spot the blonde girl with the bell bracelet. There was never any sign of her.

Barry had returned to work at the precinct when it became apparent in the first few weeks that whatever was going on wasn’t going to change anytime soon. He hid out in his lab most of the time away from the concerned glances of his co-workers. Burying himself in work to distract himself from the situation he was stuck in. The work was familiar. He needed all the familiar he could get.

Len had come by a few times after working on something with Joe. Which was decidedly unfamiliar, but Barry had let himself be dragged from the lab to get lunch each time anyway. It was June now so they often got something to go from a café and would sit on a bench in the park, talking quietly between bites of food.

He had grown fond of this version of Len. This Len joked with Cisco on the days they were at STAR labs. He was easy to talk to, and surprisingly funny in a way that made Barry roll his eyes and yet still laugh at his terrible puns.

Barry had learned a lot over the past few months. Enough that he was able to help care for Michael. Enough that he could keep up with topics of conversation and personal details. He gradually filled in the pieces of his and Len’s relationship. Their first date. When they moved in together. How Barry proposed. Along with other details of the life they’d built with each other.

Still, even with all that Barry felt tense. Felt trapped in limbo. Constantly waiting for the day that he would wake up or everything would come flooding back to him.

It wasn’t until Caitlin ran another round of tests only to come up with no answers yet again that something inside Barry had finally snapped. He’d sped out of there. A blur of yellow lightning racing through the streets until he skidded to a halt in the backyard of his house where Len was gardening, leaving marks in what had once been a perfectly manicured lawn.

Len had been momentarily startled before he was spraying Barry’s shoes with the garden hose because they weren’t just smoking they were in flames.

Barry had collapsed to the ground and dropped his head in his hands. He had let Len tug his shoes and socks off to check for damage. The skin had been a bit red but Barry hadn’t cared about that.

“I’m stuck like this aren’t I?”

Len had sat there quietly. Calm and cool as one of the cucumbers growing in his garden but that often just meant he was thinking.

“I want to go home,” Barry had said, his voice shaking as tears slid down his cheeks. His chest tight and his hands grasping weakly at the grass.

Len had shifted forward to pull Barry into a hug and Barry had let him, feeling too lost, too devastated to break away.

“I want to go home,” Barry had repeated brokenly, burying his face against Len’s shoulder.

“You are home,” Len had claimed and there was something close to desperation in his voice. As if he feared Barry would leave him. Run far away to where Len would never see him again.

“This isn’t right. I’m not- I’m not the man you fell in love with.”

“Barry I fell in love with you three years ago. You are exactly the man I fell in love with.”

“What if I’m always like this?”

“I’ll still be here.” Len had tightened his hold on Barry. “I’ll still love you.”

Barry had eventually calmed and Len had managed to even coax a smile out of him and a while later a laugh. They’d gardened together for a bit. Barry getting dirt on his clothes and not caring. It felt grounding to get his hands in the soil. To work alongside Len in the fresh air, under the warmth of the sun. He could see why Len’s therapist had suggested he take it up.

The garden was where Lisa found them as they were finishing up, calling to them both to hurry and come inside. That there was something on the news that they both needed to see.

Barry followed after Len, grabbing his shoes and socks up from the lawn as he went.

“Michael go up to your room.” Len said after taking one look at the TV.

Michael looked up at Len with wide eyes. “Are those people dead?”

“Why don’t you show me your toys?” Lisa suggested, scooping Michael up and heading upstairs with him.

Barry barely caught what the newscaster was saying, his focus was on the people the camera caught running. A blanket of frost following close behind them.

“I need to go.” Barry didn’t give Len a chance to reply, already flashing into his suit and out the door.

Barry ran to the location as his team talked him through what was happening over the comms. He raced the people that he found still in the area a safe distance away before facing off against a pale woman with black hair that blew around her shoulders as she seemed to twist the very air around her with a flick of her hand. Only Barry could see the air. It sparkled, seemingly harmless before erupting forward towards him.

Barry leapt back at super speed to avoid the attack. Then dashed forward trying to reach her only to retreat once more when the cold snapped out like a whip.

“It looks like she can form ice crystals out of the air and then control the resulting cloud.” Harry informed.

“It’s diamond dust. Oh that’s what we should call her!” Cisco’s voice added in over the comms.

“I think the name could use some work.” Harry interjected.

“Can we argue about names later?” Barry interrupted, dodging another attack even as he tried to get closer.

“Barry Len is on the phone.” Caitlin broke in. “He says he’s on his way.”

“No. It’s too dangerous,” Barry sped backwards as the air shimmered and surged towards him again, “tell him to stay back.”

Barry dodged yet another attack. He was being driven further and further back gradually. He’d be up against a building soon unless he took the fight down another street.

A rush of cold wound around Barry from behind as he ducked back to avoid another frontal assault and he went down on his knees as the cold slipped past his lips as he inhaled.

Barry heard the familiar whir of the cold gun as he struggled for air. He could feel the ice crystals forming along the roof of his mouth and spreading downward into his lungs as a blast of cold shot past him a few feet from his left. Barry was spewing up water the next second as Diamond Dust went down but it was a lucky shot, and she started recovering almost immediately. The ice Len had shot at her rising up in the air around her. The larger chunks joining her own smaller crystals. If Len’s cold gun had harmed her it didn’t show. If anything it had only made her angrier.

 “I told you…not to come…” Barry rasped, feeling a hand on his back.

“I couldn’t just stand by and watch.”

“You have a son…”

“So do you!”

“He’s…your kid.”

Len looked like his past self for a moment. Mouth thin and eyes narrow with a silent fury behind his goggles.

Barry grabbed Len and zipped him out of the way just as the larger chunks of ice came hurtling towards them in rapid bursts. He deposited Len behind a parked car, judging by the fact it wasn’t frosted over that it was outside the metahuman’s power radius.

Barry’s chest burned with the effort of running but he didn’t pause long enough to recover. “Stay here.”

“Flash!” Len protested but Barry was already speeding back towards Diamond Dust. He came to a halt just outside of the reach of her cloud and raised a hand to the headset in his suit.

“Guys, any idea…how to stop her?” Barry wheezed.

“Barry I don’t like what I’m seeing with your vitals. You should get out of there.” Caitlin stated firmly.

“No, she’s too…dangerous. I need to…stop…her now.”

“Try creating a vacuum around her.” Harry suggested reluctantly. “You can’t freeze air if there’s no air to freeze.”

It was harder to do than it sounded. Barry already injured from her last attack but he raced around her all the same. Pushed on even when it felt like his chest would burst, circling her, building up speed as he went. The cold stung his lungs as he ran. His suit beginning to frost over with his proximity to her. Just when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore and would succumb to the cold the shimmer of ice in the air turned to water and spun out over the pavement to drench the area.

Barry dropped to his hands and knees on the now wet asphalt. His vision was blurry and his body ached as he let himself drop onto his side. Not even being hit by the cold gun had ever felt this bad. He would have chuckled at the comparison had he had the energy because Len was suddenly right there beside him, bundling Barry up in his parka and sitting him up in his arms.

Len pulled back the cowl to press a hand to Barry’s cheek and Barry flinched. His skin stinging with the sudden warmth.

“Your lips are blue.” Len said more to himself than Barry.

Barry felt too nauseous to reply. He could feel his chest rattle with every intake of breath.

Len brought a hand up to the comms on his ear. “Cisco.”

“Yeah bro. How’s Barry? He’s not saying anything.”

“He took a pretty bad hit.” Len informed. “Does his suit still have that heating thing?”

“The therma-threading? Yeah. I never removed it.” Cisco replied then hurried to add, “Not that I didn’t trust you. It’s just-”

 “It’s fine Cisco.” Len cut in. “Can you turn it on a lower setting and gradually raise the temperature over time?”

“I think so. I’d need to tweak the program a bit but it’s possible.”

“Be sure. If you heat him up too fast he could go into cardiac arrest.”

“Great. No pressure.” Cisco mumbled.

Barry felt the heat switch on a short time later. A low throb of warmth that made his skin ache and he sucked air in through his teeth as he pressed his face to Len’s chest.

“It’s on.” A police van pulled up close by as Cisco spoke and Joe jumped out to hurry over to them.

“How is he?”

“He’s hypothermic.” Len answered. Barry couldn’t see him with his face pressed into Len’s shirt but he could feel hands smoothing down his hair. “Probably has some damage to his lungs if the way he’s breathing is any indication.”

“I’ll handle things here. You get him back to the lab.”

Len nodded to Joe before slipping Barry’s mask back on to keep the heat from escaping through his head and pulling the parka’s hood up for good measure. Then he lifted Barry gently in his arms and headed for the car.

Len made quick work of getting Barry inside the vehicle and buckled in before heading around to the driver’s side door.

It’s a quiet drive with Barry not being up to talking and Len not speaking to him. By the time they finally reached their destination Barry felt stronger. The heat had stopped hurting after a while and Cisco had raised the temperature a few degrees on the ride over. With not being hindered by the cold his cells were able to regenerate at their normal rate. A chill still settled heavily in his chest but he could breathe a bit easier.

Barry pulled his cowl off and ran a hand through his hair as he stepped out of the car. He shot Len a smile to reassure him that he was fine only Len didn’t smile back.

“You’re okay?”

“I think I will be.” Barry replied. His own smile falling away at the flat tone.

Len gave a tight, controlled nod and started heading for the building. Barry frowned after him. He knew something was wrong but had no idea what it could be.

“Len?” Barry hesitated on his next step before hurrying forward and resting a hand against Len’s arm causing him to stop. “What’s wrong-?”

Len whirled around, hands balled into fists at his sides. “Do not ever, ever deny that Michael is your son again!” Len yelled and Barry found himself backing up a step. He had never seen Len snap like that. Never seen him look so furious that there were actual tears threatening to spill over. He’d certainly never seen him shed a tear before. That in itself shook Barry far more than Len’s anger.

“Len-”

Len didn’t wait for Barry to finish. Instead he turned back around and stalked towards the entrance to S.T.A.R. labs.

Barry followed a few feet behind him. Not knowing what to do when he was angry like this other than give him some space.

Caitlin came hurrying forward when they entered the cortex and promptly ushered Barry into the med lab. Barry went where Caitlin instructed, looking behind him as he did to find Len with a hand pressed over his eyes and Cisco with a hand on Len’s shoulder.

“What’s going on with Len?” Caitlin questioned. “I haven’t seen him that upset in a while.”

“I- I may have strongly implied that Michael wasn’t my son.” Barry replied guiltily.

Caitlin winced.

“I know it was a stupid thing to do.”

“Oh Barry.” Caitlin sighed and leaned against a table. “Did he ever tell you about the day the two of you took Michael home?”

“He told me some stuff about Michael’s mom and that I proposed the same day.”

“There was a lot more to it than that.”

“So what did happen?”

“I wasn’t there but, from what I heard of it you’re the one that pushed him to take Michael. You guys had your first fight over that boy. I mean you’d fought before but this was your first fight relationship wise. You know, as a couple.”

“So I proposed to him the same day we had our first fight and the only woman he ever slept with died?” Barry scrubbed his hands down his face. “I have awful timing.”

“Not to mention the same day he had to decide whether or not to step up and be a father to Michael.” Caitlin added.

Barry lifted his eyes to Caitlin. “Had he only just found out he had a son?”

“He had actually known about Michael the whole time.” Caitlin informed. “He’d send money to his mom to help out but he never allowed himself to have any contact with him.”

“He didn’t want him?”

“It’s not that he didn’t want him Barry. It’s that he thought he might hurt him.” Caitlin explained, her voice soft so she wouldn’t be overheard. “It’s a pretty common fear among adults who were abused as children.”

“Yeah, but it’s a myth though.” Barry reasoned. He looked back over to Len through the med lab window where he appeared to be having a very serious conversation with Cisco. “Most don’t become abusers.”

“I know. You’d told me it was around two thirds that didn’t.” Caitlin nodded then explained when Barry gave her a questioning look, “I had my doubts about him too. It’s not something I’m proud of.”

Barry shook his head. “I can’t even imagine Len ever raising a hand to Michael.”

“And he never would. We all know that now.” Caitlin was quiet a moment before continuing, “Thing is Barry, you swore to him that he would not be in this on his own. That Michael would always be just as much your son as he was Len’s. That the three of you would always be a family. I think this whole amnesia thing of yours has been a lot harder on him than he’s let on. I think what you said finally just pushed him over the edge.”

“He felt like he’d lost me.” Barry realized.

“Probably.” Caitlin said with a nod.

There was quiet in the room as Barry stared through the window at Len. He ached looking at him. A part of him wanted to go to him but Caitlin was telling him to go get changed so they could get some x-rays of his chest.

Later when the tests were done, and Barry was begrudgingly laid up on the bed in the med lab Len came in and leaned against the wall furthest from the bed. He looked concerned but in a stand-offish sort of way; with his arms crossed and a tilt to his head that put more of his focus on Caitlin and what she was saying than on Barry.

“Barry if you weren’t you you’d be dead.” Caitlin lectured as she went over his scans. She was obviously upset. So was Len if the closed off expression he wore was anything to go by.

“Am I okay to go home?” Barry questioned, his voice coming out rough. He tried to shrug deeper into the STAR lab’s sweatshirt he wore. All he wanted was to crawl under a pile of blankets on the couch at home. Maybe Len would be willing to make him soup or something else warm. If he ever forgave him.

“I suppose so. You still have fluid in your lungs and some damage to them but it’s healing. Call me though if it gets worse or doesn’t improve by tomorrow.”

Barry hopped off the bed and headed over to Len who tracked his approach silently with his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Barry apologized, taking Len’s hand in his so the man was forced to uncross his arms. “I shouldn’t have acted like Michael wasn’t mine too. I never meant to hurt you like that.”

Whatever part of Len that had frozen over melted with the simple sign of affection and he tugged Barry forward to hug him. It was nice. Len was warm.

“Don’t ever do that again scarlet.”

“Deal.” Barry sighed, relaxing into the hug.

Barry drove home with Len. It still hurt to breathe. He wasn’t going to be running anywhere until the pain in his chest was better.

When he got home he promptly fell onto the sofa and pulled the blanket resting on the top down to cover himself with.

Lisa was sitting on the carpet with Michael who had an assortment of hot wheels strewn across the floor in front of him. He stopped pretending to crash the cars into each other and wandered over to Barry.

“Daddy?”

“I’m okay buddy.” Barry assured in response to the small, worried voice. “I’m just a bit sore.”

“Aren’t you going to kiss it and make it better?” Michael asked, looking up at Len who stared at the boy as if he didn’t know how to respond.

Barry swallowed and averted his eyes when Len looked at him.

“I don’t think Barry wants me kissing him right now.” Len replied finally.

“But that’s what you’re supposed to do.” Michael insisted.

“Only if that’s what the other person wants.” Len explained, crouching down so he was eye level with Michael. “Sometimes people aren’t comfortable with being touched like that, and you have to respect it. Do you understand?”

“I think so.” Michael said quietly.

“Good.” Len smiled as he straightened up.

“C’mon Michael.” Lisa said as she held out a hand to him. “Let’s go get your daddy some more blankets. He looks half frozen.”

Barry waited until Lisa had disappeared down the hall with Michael before speaking up. “Thank you.”

Len nodded in acknowledgment then moved to sit on the arm of the couch. “You probably want tomato soup right?”

Barry blinked at him. It still caught him off guard sometimes how well Len knew him. Tomato soup had always been what his mom made for him when he was sick as a kid.

Len smiled in response. “I’ll find your mom’s recipe.”

Lisa came back in around then and dropped three blankets and two quilts on top of Barry. Michael followed up behind her with a pillow in his arms and Barry accepted it to tuck under his head.

“Will you boys be okay if I head out?” Lisa asked as she looked between them. “Cisco and I have plans tonight.”

“We’ll be fine.” Len replied. “Go have fun.”

Lisa waved goodbye to them as she headed out and Barry couldn’t help smiling. He was happy for her and Cisco. They made a surprisingly good couple from what he’d seen of them.

“Michael, you want to come help me in the kitchen?”

Michael shook his head. “I want to stay with daddy.”

“He’s okay Len.” Barry said as Michael settled on the floor with one of his coloring books and some crayons.

“Alright.” Len smiled. “You keep an eye on daddy.”

“Okay.” Michael said before returning to his drawing.

Barry dozed on the couch with the soft sounds of Michael coloring and Len cooking in the kitchen to soothe him. It was comforting knowing they were there.

*

Barry sat on the porch swing, his legs drawn up on the seat, a red and black flannel blanket wrapped around him. Even with his healing ability Barry still hadn’t been able to shake the cold. Even in the warmth of the June night he felt it in his throat every time he swallowed and his chest each time he breathed.

The soup had helped warm him a little though. As had the gesture of Len going to the trouble of making it for him. It had tasted better than when his mom made it even. Len using fresh tomatoes from the garden instead of store bought ones.

Barry smiled as he watched Len and Michael now. The little boy running around giggling and jumping up occasionally as he tried to catch a firefly that was just out of reach. Len holding a mason jar and helping Michael get the ones he did catch in so they wouldn’t all escape. Watching them was a nice escape from the havoc his day had been.

“Lookit!” Michael enthused as he ran up the porch steps to Barry and hefted the mason jar up so Barry could see the lightning bugs flying around inside.

“They’re pretty.” Barry commented in a hoarse voice, watching the flickering lights of the bugs buzzing around the inside of the jar. He smiled as Michael climbed up on the porch swing to sit in his lap and Barry adjusted the blanket so it would cover them both.

“What makes them glow like that?” Michael asked softly, his eyes never leaving the jar. “Dad said you would know.”

“Well, there’s this thing called bioluminescence.”

Michael tried repeating the word though it didn’t come out quite right and Barry smiled hearing it trip off his tongue.

“It’s a kind of chemical reaction.” Barry explained. “Which is…” He glanced up at Len as the other man took a seat on the porch swing and Barry couldn’t help but smile. “It’s when two things come together and it changes them into something else.”

The porch swing creaked softly as Len began to rock it gently with a foot braced against the porch.

Barry kept talking quietly. Telling Michael the few facts he could remember on fireflies until the boy started struggling to keep his eyes open.

“Can I keep them?” Michael asked, blinking sleepily and hugging the jar of fireflies to himself.

“For tonight but tomorrow we should let them go. Okay?” Len said quietly.

“Okay.” Michael agreed, letting his eyes fall closed.

Barry smiled down at Michael as the little boy snuggled in closer to him beneath the blanket. He shifted up carefully, gathering the small boy in his arms and managing to get a hand on the jar as well. The blanket fell away as he stood but he ignored it.

“You got him?” Len questioned in a hushed voice.

“Yeah.” Barry nodded before carrying Michael into the house, up the stairs, and down the hall to his room.

Barry set the jar of fireflies down on the bedside table. The small winged beetles blinking a yellowish-green as they settled against the sides of the jar. Michael stirred as Barry settled him down in his bed and pulled the covers up over him. He brushed fingers through Michael’s hair gently before moving to leave the room, flipping the light off when he reached it.

“Love you daddy.” Michael mumbled sleepily and Barry paused in the doorway. The words causing his heart to twist in his chest.

“Love you too Michael.” Barry replied softly.

Barry headed to his own bedroom. Len was already in bed by now, but sitting up, waiting for him. Barry got dressed in his own pajamas at normal speed before slipping beneath the covers. He hesitated before shifting closer to Len who dropped an arm around him and pulled him close. It didn’t feel strange any longer to be held like this. Though Barry didn’t allow it often.

“This okay?” Len asked quietly and Barry nodded. There was silence for a time before Len spoke again. “You know we used to do this all the time.”

“I wish I could remember.” Or wake up. One or the other. It was frustrating to be like this.

“I know it’s silly but sometimes I wonder if I did something wrong to make you want to forget.”

“I can’t see anyone ever wanting to forget you.” Barry admitted, wrapping his arms around Len and pressing his face to the man’s chest as Len rubbed a hand over Barry’s shoulder. “You have so much good in you Len. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“I don’t want just anyone though Barry.” Len said softly. “I want you.”

Barry didn’t pull away to roll to the side of the bed tonight the way he normally did. He stayed wrapped up in Len’s arms long after the light had been turned off.

*

Three days later Barry found himself sitting in the lounge at STAR labs playing some zombie video game he had never heard of before with Cisco. It had been a slow day and the two had decided to take a break and catch up.

The lounge was fairly similar to how Barry remembered it. With a long leather couch set up in the center of the room facing what was a much nicer TV than they’d had three years ago. There was a fridge against the wall with the countertop and cabinets. The space was well lit. Cozy in a way the rest of the building wasn’t.

“So how are you and Len doing?” Cisco asked, clearly aiming for nonchalant yet failing miserably at it.

“We’re okay.”

“Just okay?” Cisco pressed.

Barry lowered his controller as he thought it over and his on-screen character was promptly grabbed and mauled by a zombie.

Cisco paused the game and turned in his seat to face Barry. He was wearing the shirt Len had bought him at the zoo.

“Sometimes I think I’m dreaming.” Barry confessed. “And that one day I’m going to wake up and everything will be like it was before.”

“You mean like it was three years ago.” Cisco corrected.

Barry nodded, looking down at the floor when he couldn’t meet his friend’s eyes.

“Have you talked about this with Len at all?”

“Not in those exact words,” Barry replied, thinking back to how he’d cried in Len’s arms after Caitlin’s tests had failed to give him answers.

“You should.” Cisco advised. “It’d probably help. I mean we can all tell you’re holding back with him. And Len really does love you Barry. You make each other better.”

“I really care about him Cisco. I do.”

“You’re just not sure if you love him?” Cisco asked worriedly.

“No. No it’s not that. I’m pretty sure I do.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I don’t know.” Barry said with a shake of his head.

Caitlin’s voice came in over the intercom system interrupting Barry’s thoughts and alerting them to the fact that there was trouble in downtown Central City. So much for a slow day.

*

Barry came to an abrupt halt on the front porch. It was late. Almost two in the morning but there was a light on inside and he peeked through the window to find Len stretched out on the couch, a book in his hands.

Barry thought over what Cisco had told him earlier that day. About how much Len loved him. How he and Barry made each other better. It wasn’t the first time Cisco had brought it up and probably wouldn’t be the last.

Barry took his shoes off so he wouldn’t track dirt through the house before making his way into the living room.

“You didn’t have to wait up for me.” Barry said as he walked towards Len slowly.

“You know I never sleep well until you’re home safe.” Len replied. “Rough night?”

Barry sighed wearily. There had been a fire downtown. Two robberies in Inglewood. And a metahuman that had been far more annoying than dangerous but that had taken him several hours to catch since he turned into water anytime Barry managed to get ahold of him. He didn’t much feel like talking about it. He was tense from fighting. From pushing himself to run in a body he felt strangely foreign in. At least Len hadn’t needed to step in this time.

Len must have seen something in his expression because he opened his arms to Barry in a clear gesture that he wanted Barry to come lie down with him. So Barry moved onto the couch to lay in Len’s arms. He was done pretending he didn’t enjoy these moments.

Len ran fingers over Barry’s back through the fabric of his button down while with the other hand he retrieved the book he’d been reading and started up again but this time out loud. Barry got the sense this was a habit for them. It was comforting and he found himself holding onto Len, letting his eyes close as he listened to his voice.

It hit Barry suddenly why he’d been having such a hard time accepting all of this. Why he couldn’t completely accept the life he’d woken up in. It wasn’t just that he believed this wasn’t his life. Underneath all that there was another, deeper reason.

Barry opened his eyes and tilted his head back to look up at Len. “I’m afraid of losing you.” He realized softly.

Len broke off mid-sentence from his reading. He set the book down on the floor so he could wrap both arms around Barry. “You’re not going to lose me.”

“I woke up and everything was different. What if this is all a dream? And I wake up again and we’re enemies?” Barry wondered aloud, finally putting words to the unease that twisted in his gut. “And Michael’s not-” He broke off, swallowing against the sudden lump in his throat.

“You’re not dreaming Barry.” Len assured, a hand coming up to run through Barry’s hair.

“What if I am?”

“If you are, well, I’ve always had a thing for you. Can’t imagine a world where I don’t.” Len thought for a moment then asked, his voice nervous, “Do you want to be with me?”

Barry shifted up to look at Len. “Yes.”

Len relaxed visibly with the response. “Then you’d find a way Barry.”

Barry brushed fingers against Lens cheek as he leaned forward. He could see the moment it dawned on Len what was happening and he rose up to meet Barry halfway. The kisses were gentle, slow, and everything Barry had been refusing to let himself have for months.

Len breathed Barry’s name against his lips. His hands tightening against his shoulders like he was scared he was dreaming himself.

“I love you.” Barry admitted before kissing Len again and he felt a shiver run through him. “Love you.” He murmured, pressing kisses to the side of Len’s neck as fingers found their way beneath his shirt.

“I love you too.” Len breathed as his fingers dug into the skin of Barry’s back to pull him closer.

“Will you show me what it was like the first time we were together?” Barry asked softly. “I can’t remember, and I want that memory.”

“We can do that.” Len agreed. “If you’re sure that’s what you want.”

Barry nodded and took the hand Len offered him when he stood. He let Len lead him upstairs and down the hall, socked feet padding quietly across the carpet when they past Michael’s room. Both of them making sure to step where the floor didn’t creak.

“How did it start?” Barry asked as Len closed the door behind them once they were in their bedroom.

“You showed up at my apartment late one night. You phased through the door which pissed me off until I realized how upset you were. You’d been out running in the rain so you were soaking wet.” Len took Barry’s hands in his and drew him closer. “We’d been dating for a little while by that point.”

“How long?”

“About two weeks.” Len replied. He paused before continuing, “You were shaking. I made some offhanded comment about helping you warm up with sex because I didn’t know how to handle you hurting. I wasn’t very good with comforting people back then.”

“What happened?” Barry asked and Len brought a hand up to cup Barry’s cheek.

“You accepted the offer and I kissed you on the mouth.” Len explained before kissing him gently.

Barry accepted the kiss. His fingers twisting in the back of Len’s shirt and Len pulled him in closer against his body. His hands moving to Barry’s hips as he deepened the kiss and Barry opened his mouth under Len’s with a soft moan. Barry pulled back eventually when his body buzzed against Len’s, feeling self-conscious of the response but then Len kissed him on the forehead and Barry relaxed. They’d been together three years. Len knew this side of him intimately.

“And then?” Barry prompted.

Len pressed kisses to the side of Barry’s throat and Barry gasped softly. So close to vibrating again. “I kissed your neck. You felt so cold against my lips.” He murmured into Barry’s skin and Barry shivered.

Len moved back slightly so he could start to undo the buttons on Barry’s shirt and Barry watched him intently.

“I got you out of your wet clothes. Only you weren’t wearing your work clothes. You were in a blue sweater and jeans. And you still had your shoes on. You’d tracked mud all the way up to my room but I didn’t care.”

Barry let Len undress him as he spoke, picturing the scene in his head. How his clothes must have landed in a wet pile on Len’s floor. Different and yet similar to how his dry clothes dropped to the floor now.

“You helped me out of my clothes.” Len said and Barry did as he kept talking. “Your hands were shaking. I asked you if you were okay. If you were sure you wanted to do this.”

“And I said yes.” Barry smiled, knowing the answer even without the memory.

Barry let Len pull him forward to the bed when he was naked as well. He laid back against the pillows and Barry came to rest on top of him.

Len kissed him softly. Barry following Len’s lead in keeping it slow, gentle. He gasped softly as Len rocked up against him. Their cocks sliding together and Barry swallowed the moan Len let out. It felt so good. So perfect like this. The slow rock and slide of their bodies together making them both tremble.

“We went slow.” Len explained. “I didn’t know how far you wanted to go and I didn’t want to push you. I just wanted to comfort you. Make you feel good. Make you forget even for just a little while whatever was hurting you.” He explained as he dragged his hands down Barry’s sides almost reverently. “I could feel your skin warming up beneath my hands as you got more and more turned on. It was like watching you come alive slowly. You stopped shaking from the cold. You had this flush to your cheeks the way you do now.”

“What happened next?”

“You asked if you could go down on me.”

“You said yes?”

“Yes.” Len replied and Barry knew it was a yes to more than just the question from the look in Len’s eyes and the way his breath caught with excitement as Barry shifted lower.

Len tipped his head back as Barry took him into his mouth. “God Barry. You…you did this thing with your tongue…your mouth. You made it vibrate.”

It took a second for Barry to figure it out but when he did the noise Len made was so hot. The way he tangled his hands in Barry’s hair desperately as Barry worked his mouth over the shaft slowly made Barry moan and speed up the vibrations just a little. Just enough to make Len’s fingers flex and tighten in his hair.

“God I love it when you do this.” Len gasped.

Barry kept at it for a few more minutes. His hands coming up to hold Len’s hips still as he sucked him. He came up when Len tugged gently on his hair and Barry kissed him until Len rolled them so he was on top, breathing heavily as he looked down at Barry.

“I asked you if you wanted me to suck you too but you said you really needed me in you.”

Barry nodded a little desperately because god yes he needed that now. Needed Len inside him.

“We used condoms until we got married.” Len informed. “I’m not sure we even have any now.”

“We don’t need them.” Barry decided.

“Okay.” Len kissed him gently before reaching for the drawer of the bedside table. Presumably for lube.

“What position was I in?” Barry asked when Len settled in front of him.

“Just like this. On your back.” Len answered as he lifted one of Barry’s legs to rest against his shoulder. He coated his fingers with lube before moving them down, teasing gently until Barry relaxed enough for one to slip inside.

Barry twisted his fingers in the sheets, mouth going slack as Len found his prostate easily.

“I didn’t find it this fast the first time.” Len said softly as his finger pressed up against that spot again. “But I figure you’ll forgive me for deviating from the script.”

“Can you…more…” Barry managed. Not caring anymore if they played this out accurately. He just wanted to feel Len inside him.

Barry shivered and moaned as Len slipped a second finger into him. He could feel the stretch now. More of a tingle than a burn that made his toes curl.

“You still open up so beautifully for me even after all this time.” Len whispered, turning his head just enough to press a kiss to Barry’s leg.

It was true. His body seemed to know Len’s touch. Seemed to remember him in ways that his mind didn’t. He loosened up quickly, relaxing into the gentle thrust of fingers. His hips pushing into the rhythm on instinct.

Len finally pulled his fingers out and Barry swallowed, worked to catch his breath, closing his eyes for a few moments as he did. He opened his mouth under Len’s when he was kissed again, making a soft sound of want when he felt the slick head of Len’s cock press against him.

“You ready?”

“Yeah.” Barry nodded.

Len pressed inside him slowly and Barry tipped his head back as a shudder ran through him. The kind that made his whole body vibrate.

“You did that the first time too.” Len smiled.

“Just feels so good.” Barry shivered, his voice shaking and fingers digging into Len’s skin as he thrust into him at a steady pace. “I’ve been trying to hold it back but it’s hard to and I just…I really need to…”

“Just let it happen.” Len reassured him. He kissed Barry again, his hands coming up to cup his face. “It’s alright.”

Barry let out the breath he’d been holding as he let himself vibrate with each of Len’s thrusts. Let his body do what it wanted to naturally. It felt incredible to just let go. To not have to hide who he was or what he could do.

Neither of them lasted long after that and Barry clung to Len when it was over. His body gradually tapering out the vibrations as he came down from his orgasm, till he was still but breathless in Len’s arms.

Barry let his leg slip from Len’s shoulder and it was easier to kiss. To draw Len close to him to hold. He could feel him inside him still, connecting them together.

Len brushed a hand through Barry’s hair. Murmured how much he loved him into his skin and Barry finally felt like he was home.

*

Barry woke to sunlight streaming in through the window. This time when he rolled over to put the light at his back and draped an arm over the body lying next to him he smiled softly, pressing in closer to the warmth of Len’s body.

“Morning scarlet.”

“Morning.” Barry murmured against the back of Len’s shoulder. He pulled back slightly and as he did his eyes fell on the set of circular scars on Len’s back. There were six of them. Each one had an indentation at the center and raised edges. They were the most striking out of all the scars Len had and the man did have quite a few. He’d noticed them several times before but had never had the courage to ask about them.

Barry licked his lips nervously, pondering over whether it was even a good idea to ask before finally working up the nerve. “Can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer it.”

“You can ask me anything Barry.”

“How’d you get those scars?”

“Which ones?”

“The circular ones. Between your shoulder blades.” Barry supplied.

There’s silence for a while and Barry began to think that Len changed his mind about answering anything but then he spoke softly.

“You know how my dad used to teach me lessons?” Len asked probably trying to see if Barry remembered that much at least. He continued when Barry made a sound of affirmation. “Well one day when I was twelve my old man got it in his head to teach me a lesson on pain tolerance. I’d cut my hand climbing through a broken window on a job and had started crying. Woke the museum guard. So when we got home he shoved me down on the couch, held me still with a hand to the back of my neck and stubbed his cigarette out on my back. Said ‘I’ll stop when you learn to stop crying.’”

Barry felt his stomach twist violently. “What happened?”

“I learned.” Len said simply.

Barry could feel tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. He reached out a hand to gently brush over the marks, the puckered, raised edges rough against his fingertips. Len’s breath caught with the touch before he relaxed, letting Barry continue without protest. There’s a haphazard pattern of lines crisscrossed over Len’s back and Barry traced his hand over one of the longer marks.

“Took a belt to me when he caught me with a boy.” Len informed without being prompted. “Never did bring anyone home after that.”

Barry let his hand move over Len’s body. There was a part of him that didn’t want to know the stories engraved into the skin beneath his fingertips. He listened to each one anyway. Len rolling over to face him when Barry’s fingers drifted over a curved line on his stomach. He didn’t understand how anyone could enact such cruelty against another human being let alone their own son.

Barry pulled his hand back to press it to his face when he couldn’t listen anymore, letting the tears roll down his face when they came.

“Barry,” Len soothed, “it’s okay.”

Barry shook his head meekly. Not understanding how any part of what Len had been through could ever be okay. He’d known that Len had been abused growing up. Had been told by Joe. Had found further information in his police file. But he hadn’t known.

“I’ve made peace with it.” Len said softly. “You helped me make peace with it.”

There was a hand on Barry’s cheek and he wrapped his fingers along the back, turning his face to press a kiss to the palm.

“You saved me Barry.” Len said softly and it made Barry smile through his tears.

Barry shook his head and wiped at his eyes just as the door flew open and Michael came bounding into the room.

“Michael,” Len said his voice firm but gentle, “What’s the rule?”

Michael stopped. His smile slipping into a pout. “Knock first?”

“Why don’t we go try that?” Len suggested and Michael turned on his heel to exit the room, closing the door behind him.

Barry smiled as Len faced him again and he kissed him without a second thought. His hands coming up to frame Len’s face. He laughed softly against Len’s lips when Michael knocked on the door and Len told him to wait a minute before kissing Barry once more.

They got up after that to dress in pajamas. It was Sunday which meant they could take their time getting going today unless Flash business came up.

Barry opened the door to Michael bouncing on the balls of his feet. A Captain Cold action figure in his hand and a smile breaking across his face when he saw Barry.

“Can we go to the park today?”

“I don’t see why not.” Barry smiled.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Len asked with a smile on his face as if he already knew the answer.

Barry and Michael exchanged a silent expression of agreement before they both answered, “Blueberry pancakes.”

“I figured.” Len chuckled.

It was routine on Sunday mornings that Barry and Michael watched cartoons together while Len made breakfast. So that’s where Barry found himself a few minutes later. The smell of pancakes filling the air as he sat on the couch beside Michael who was thoroughly engrossed in watching reruns of Steven Universe.

“I’m going to go see your dad for a minute, okay?”

“Okay.” Michael replied not taking his eyes from the screen.

Barry headed into the kitchen where he found Len standing in front of the stove waiting to flip a pancake. So he came up and hugged him from behind, resting his cheek against Len’s shoulder and just holding onto him.

“Hey scarlet.”

“Hey.” Barry smiled. He was silent for a time as Len flipped the pancake, trying to think of how to say what he wanted to. “You know the day I woke up with no memory of the past three years the last thing I remember thinking was that I’d never be happy. I kept hearing Thawne saying it over and over again in my head but, he was wrong. I’m happy.”

Len turned at that and hugged him, pulling Barry in close so they were cheek to cheek.

“You make me happy.” Barry breathed, holding onto Len a little more tightly.

“Are pancakes ready?” Michael questioned and Barry pulled away from Len on hearing him speak.

“Just about. Why don’t you go ahead and help your daddy set the table.” Len said, getting out silverware and handing it off to Michael before turning back to the stove to plate the pancakes.

Barry got the plates down while Michael went about his own task. They finished just as Len brought over two heaping plates of pancakes and Barry couldn’t help but smile knowing that Len always cooked such large servings because of his metabolism.

Len cut Michael’s pancake up and poured blueberry sauce over the square bite-sized pieces before seating himself at the table beside Barry.

*

After breakfast they got ready for the day before heading out to the park. It was close by so they walked, enjoying the warmth of thee sun shining down on them from a nearly cloudless sky. Michael hurried across the playground when they got there, bypassing the slide and monkey bars in favor of the swings.

“Daddy push me.” Michael called.

“Do you remember how to pump your legs?” Len asked as he came over.

Michael kicked his legs in a haphazard fashion that was nowhere near the necessary movement to get the swing going on his own. “It’s too hard. I want daddy to do it.”

“Okay.” Len relented easily and stepped off to the side to let Barry push the swing.

Barry chased Michael around the playground at normal speed when the little boy hopped off. Finally catching him and holding him close as he spun around with him.

“Daddy! You’re making me dizzy!” Michael giggled.

Barry handed Michael off to Len as an ice cream truck pulled up near the park, attracting a flock of children and their parents and Michael asked if he could have some too.

Barry heard her before he saw her. The tinkling of bells catching his attention and making his heart pound.

“You okay?” Len asked and Barry gave him a tight smile in return.

“I’m fine. Go get him some ice cream.” Barry said, already moving in the direction of the woman with side-steps. “I’ll catch up with you in a minute. Okay? I just need to do something real quick.”

Len turned towards the ice cream truck reluctantly and Barry caught his elbow to catch his attention. He leaned in when Len turned back towards him and kissed him sweetly.

“I love you.” Barry murmured.

Len tilted his head. “Is everything okay? You’re acting weird.”

“I always act weird.” Barry covered. “Go. Get ice cream.”

Barry watched Len walk away towards the ice cream truck. It felt like a goodbye and Barry clenched his fists as he took a deep breath before speeding towards the blonde woman.

“Who are you?” Barry demanded, zipping to a halt in front her.

“Afraid I don’t have a catchy code name so you’ll just have to call me Noma.” Noma said with a smile and it didn’t come across as mocking or threatening. It was just a smile.

“What did you do? Is this a dream?”

“You’re not dreaming Barry.” Noma replied. “This is the future. Well, a possible future. If you make the right choices.”

“But I didn’t time travel did I?” Barry realized.

“Not exactly,” Noma said with a shake of her head. “I sent your consciousness into the future. Your body is still back in your time. Right now you’re unconscious at STAR labs. And it’s time to go back now.”

Barry took a step back as she reached for him.

“Why? Why do this? Why show me this only to take it all away? Do you want to hurt me?”

“Barry this isn’t a punishment.” Noma assured. “It’s a gift.”

Barry shook his head. Not believing or understanding.

“There are so many paths your future could take.” Noma nodded back in Len and Michael’s direction. “That their future could take. Futures that are far darker than you can imagine. I was only trying to nudge you in the right direction.”

Barry stared at her, letting her words sink in and he relaxed slightly. But only slightly.

“You can still have this life Barry. You can live it from the beginning. But you have to take my hand now.” Noma urged, offering her hand to Barry. “Don’t you want that Barry? To live this love from the start?”

“Will they be okay?” Barry asked quietly as he looked back to Len and Michael standing at the ice cream truck.

“They’ll be fine. They’ll get their Barry back. The Barry you’ll be in three years.” Noma promised, holding her hand out to him again. “But only if you go now so you can talk to Len. You’re running out of time.”

Barry took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. His ears filling with the sound of bells as his hand clasped Noma’s.

*

Barry woke to bright lights. He blinked a few times as his eyes adjusted. He could hear Joe talking in an angry tone. Telling someone they should just leave already.

Barry shifted up as awareness filtered in. He was back. Back in his own time. Relief took a backseat to a deep sense of loss. He could feel tears on his cheeks. As if he’d been crying before he’d even opened his eyes.

“He’s awake.” Caitlin called and Barry heard the sound of hurried footsteps.

Iris and Joe came into view along with Wally followed closely by Cisco and Jesse.

“How’d I get here?” Barry questioned, blinking against the light Caitlin was shining in his eyes.

“Bartender is an old friend of mine.”

Barry whipped his head in the direction of Len’s voice. He hadn’t noticed him before, sitting over by one of the lab tables under Harry’s watchful gaze. He was dressed in dark colors. Biker jeans and a leather jacket hugging his frame. Three years younger than the Len he’d just left behind.

“She gave me a call.” Len explained, his voice holding none of the warmth Barry had grown used to. “Remembered seeing you there with me from last time.”

“He brought you back here.” Caitlin finished for him.

“Never thought I’d see the day Barry Allen would get piss drunk and pass out in a bar.” Len almost sounded disappointed.

“I warned you about using too much of that compound.” Caitlin reprimanded with a tilt of her head. A frown pulling at her mouth.

Barry sat up slowly, clutching at his head. “I wasn’t drunk. I thought I was dreaming but it was real. And you were there.” He said letting his gaze drift over Caitlin, Iris, Joe, Jesse, Harry, and Cisco before turning his gaze to Len. “And you.”

Iris stepped forward with a frown pulling her mouth tight and furrowing her brow to rest a hand on Barry’s shoulder. As if she were worried he might have suffered a head injury falling off the barstool.

“Well, this has all been very Wizard of Oz but I think it’s about time I got back to my Rogues.” Len drawled sarcastically before anyone else could fill the silence that had taken up space in the room.

“About damn time.” Joe stated flatly.

“Len, wait.” Barry called, fumbling to get out of the bed to go after him but Caitlin pushed him back down. Everyone was staring at him. Their confusion at the endearing nickname written across their faces in a way Len wasn’t willing to show. “I need to talk to you.”

Len averted his eyes down with a tilt of his head. “You need to talk to me so badly scarlet you know where to find me.”

Barry’s heart ached hearing his nickname used with such disregard. He knew Len cared about him. Why else would he bring him back to STAR labs when he could have brushed the whole thing off? Why stick around and wait for Barry to wake up? He knew it was there. He’d seen who Len could be. How deeply he could love.

Len turned to leave and Barry pushed past Caitlin to flash into the doorway. He fumbled on his feet slightly, gripping the doorframe for support and Len reached out to steady him. A hand curling gently against Barry’s shoulder.

“Len, please. Just give me five minutes.”

Len regarded him silently. His expression neutral. He finally nodded reluctantly. “Five minutes.”

Barry led the way out into the hall. He tried to come up with what to say as he walked. He hadn’t really thought this part through. Did he tell Len the whole story? Or should he just ask him out? He came to a stop when they were far enough from the cortex that he was sure they wouldn’t be overheard.

Len waited expectantly. His expression not giving anything away over what he may be feeling. Barry went with his gut, reaching out to take Len’s hands in his. Len quirked a brow but didn’t comment. He didn’t pull away either and Barry took a deep breath before pressing on.

“I’m not sure how to say this other than to just say it.” Barry breathed. “I’d like to get to know you better. So I was thinking we could…go out…”

“On a date?” It came out like it was meant to be a joke. That smirk Barry was all too familiar with playing over Len’s lips.

“Wouldn’t be the strangest thing in the world.” Barry smiled.

“Never really been the dating kind scarlet.”

Barry moved forward at the words. A hand coming up to cup Len’s face. He kissed him gently and he’d never been this nervous kissing someone before. Never felt so much that everything he wanted in life was resting on a single moment. He remembered the trip to the zoo and shared laughter in the garden. Len cracking jokes with Cisco and helping Joe on a case. The creak of the porch swing at night with Michael and him tucked beneath a blanket while Len sat beside them watching the fireflies. The touch of Len’s hands on his skin as they made love and blueberry pancakes the morning after.

Relief flooded Barry when Len kissed him back. Not only responding but deepening it. His hands sliding into Barry’s hair as he pressed him up against the wall.

Len pulled back slightly and swallowed. His eyes searching Barry’s and all Barry could do was smile. He wanted to say ‘I love you’ but he knew it was too soon. Barry’s heart was there. Had gotten there weeks ago that didn’t exist yet. But this was all still so new for Len.

“So, dinner tomorrow night?” Barry suggested somewhat breathlessly.

“Prior obligations.” Len said simply and Barry thought for a moment that he’d messed up somehow. Time was such a fickle, fragile thing. “You free Tuesday night?”

“Tuesday would be great.” Barry beamed.

Barry and Len exchanged numbers so they could text each other to set up further details and then Len was heading out while Barry smiled after him. He spun on his heel to head back to the cortex only to find Cisco staring him down with crossed arms.

“You want to let me in on why you were kissing Captain Cold?” Cisco demanded.

Barry imagined this is what a deer facing a speeding car felt like.

“Right. Give me one good reason why I don’t go back in there,” Cisco pointed in the direction of the cortex, “and tell everyone what I just saw.”

“I can’t-”

Cisco threw up his hands and started to turn.

Barry sped in front of his friend to block his path. “Okay. Okay.” Barry whispered, holding out his palms in front of him in supplication. “There is a good reason behind what you just saw.”

Barry explained the best he could what had happened. About Noma. The future. How he’d fallen in love with Len. How they had a son together. He made a point to mention Lisa being engaged to Cisco as well in the hopes it would convince him to stay quiet for now.

“Please say something.” Barry pleaded nervously, hunching in on himself when Cisco just stared at him with a bewildered expression.

“So you’re saying you're experiencing a causal loop and that my love life depends on you cozying up with Snart?” Cisco summarized.

“More or less.”

“You should take him someplace nice.” Cisco said with a definitive nod. He reached a hand up towards Barry’s head, “Maybe do something different with your hair.

Barry brushed Cisco’s hand aside as he leaned back to avoid his touch. He shook his head. “What. No. The hair is fine. For now at least. And I already know where I’m taking him.”

“Alright. Fine.” Cisco agreed. He patted Barry on the shoulder. “But just so you know dude, I’m here if you need me for anything Snart related.”

“He goes by Len.” Barry smiled. “And thanks Cisco. I’ll definitely be taking you up on that offer three years from now.”