Chapter Text
I can’t believe I’m really doing this, I can’t believe this is my life, Lee thought as he stood staring into the jewellery shop’s window.
Suddenly, all the cold feet thoughts that should have popped up pre-breakup were now crowding his brain, what if David says no, and what if he says yes, and what’s going to happen with Tara and me, and the kids, how am I ever going to make this right again? And under those, a building mantra of panic, I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this
But then, it’s already done, isn’t it?
And that actually calmed him down. It wasn’t up to him anymore, because the damage had already been done. By him, mind you. But done all the same. It was too late to change things now, so might as well see it through. Once again, his gut feeling had made his decision for him, and for once, he was immensely grateful for his impulsive nature. If these thoughts had indeed popped up when he was stood on that doorstep, working up the courage to go inside his own house and face his wife, then he’d never have had the courage to go through with it, however right it’d felt. Right, it feels right, it is right.
He took one last deep breath, then entered the shop.
David leads the way towards the smoking area, in fact he more or less power walks over to it and it’s all Lee can do to keep up. The expression ‘Dead man walking’ springs to mind.
As soon as the door closes behind him, David rounds on him with a glare and despite the frightening pressure in his chest, Lee can’t help but to think that if David was a cartoon, he’d be shooting sparks out of his head right now.
“Have you gone completely insane?” David bellows. “I don’t even know where to start! That was the most humiliating experience I’ve ever had to sit through, what exactly were you thinking?”
“Well, I was going for ‘romantic’…” Lee mumbles despite himself. His vision starts to blur around the edges, really should have eaten something.
David’s on one of his rants again, but Lee finds it hard to stay focused on what he’s actually saying, but judging from the few words that jumps out at him, David’s still not sure this whole thing isn’t one big joke. And Lee gets it, was prepared for it even. There was a time when he would have done that, gone through with it without being serious and hoping that the audacity of it would come off as ‘endearing’ and that that alone would be enough to fix things and get him a second chance.
Not with David, though. And I wouldn’t try with David either, wouldn’t want to. Might be a connection there, he figures.
“Are you even listening to me?” David exclaims and kills the distance between them with a couple of confrontational steps.
The subtle smell of his cologne hits Lee like a wave. At first he thinks that’s why he suddenly feels faint, but then the blurry edges of his vision begin to darken and creep closer together. David frowns at him, losing his momentum.
“Are you alright?” he mutters. “Because you really don’t look it.”
“’m fine”, Lee mumbles with as much conviction he can muster.
The last thing he sees before his vision goes completely dark, is David’s startled face. Then a wave of dizziness sweeps through his head and his entire body goes numb. He starts to crumble, but David’s arms grab him tightly by the waist and he props him up against his own body as he becomes dead weight for a moment. He doesn’t lose consciousness, just his sight and nearly all sensation in his body. It only lasts for about thirty seconds, though. But even as the darkness begins to clear from his eyes and a cold trickle starts filling up his limbs, Lee feels ridiculously weak and has to keep leaning heavily of David for several more minutes.
“Lee, what’s going on?” David huffs out, and there’s an underlying tone of alarm in his voice, poorly coated in calmness.
“I’m fine”, Lee insists again, with a little more conviction this time.
He starts to pull away as he feels his strength returning to his legs. David watches him cautiously the entire time and doesn’t quite let him go, at least not all the way, but he allows him to support his own weight.
“I just need to eat something”, Lee reassures him.
It doesn’t quite appease David, but rather the contrary. The hint of worry in his eyes grows to massive proportions and spreads across his face.
“When was the last time you ate anything?”
“Yesterday morning”, Lee admits, and upon receiving a scandalized look in return he feels the need to defend himself and adds, “I’ve been very nervous, you know! You try and keep your food down when you’re about to put your heart on your sleeve and make a complete fool of yourself in front of two hundred people, not to mention the probability of having said heart crushed, also in front of two hundred people…”
David doesn’t say ‘I love you’ or even ‘I’m sorry’. He says, “You moron.”
“Clearly!”
David huffs a little, then seems to realise that he’s still got his hands on Lee’s waist and lets them drop to his sides.
“Come on then”, he says. “Let’s go get you something to eat…”
“You wanted to talk”, Lee reminds him feebly.
David sort of glares at him, but there’s no real heat behind it.
“Food first”, he says sternly. “I rather you were conscious during the conversation.”
The little bell above the door jingled as he entered. It was a small shop, cramped with different kinds of jewellery, most of it cheap silver with fake stones in different cute stiles like butterflies and kittens and hearts. His eye was accidentally caught by a small necklace with a tiny golden puppy hanging off it and he couldn’t help thinking Arlo would love it. A stinging sensation appeared in his chest and he tried instead to focus on the young man who came out smiling from the back room. He looked quite nerdy, but genuinely friendly, even if the smile was rather exaggerated.
“Hiya!”
“Alright”, Lee mumbled and approached the counter warily.
“Were you looking for anything in particular, Sir?”
“Yeah, I am, actually… I eh… I’m looking for some engagement rings.”
“Oh, right”, the younger man said, and his smile took on a more genuine quality. “That’s wonderful, what sort of design did you have in mind?”
“Oh geez”, Lee muttered. “I don’t know…”
The young man chuckled and walked over to the edge of the counter and got out a selection of rings. Lee hesitated for a second, then took another deep breath and followed him.
“If you wanted something modern, we have some lovely design rings… but if you rather go for something more traditional…”
Lee glanced at the rings, they were all male-female combinations. He felt his heart pick up its pace slightly, even though he didn’t actually feel that nervous about asking this man, kid, about a matching set of men’s rings, instead.
“Personally, I love this one”, the kid continued, lifting up one of the traditional ones, a woman’s ring.
“Actually”, Lee muttered. “I need two identical ones, for, you know, two men…”
“Oh!” the kid said and his eyes actually lit up and now the smile took on an almost familiar quality. “Well, basically, you can have any of these designs in a set of two men’s rings, that’s not a problem at all… see anyone you like?”
Lee didn’t. But that wasn’t really important, he figured. Just like the last time he was shopping for rings, he didn’t really think his opinion entered in to the equation. He didn’t need convincing, he was the one proposing, after all. Back then, he was trying to figure out which ring Tara would like and now he was supposed to magically know what type of design David would be partial to.
He had no idea. You’d think the fact that they were both blokes would have made this easier, but he was fairly certain that whatever design he’d like, David wouldn’t. Glancing up at the kid who was patiently waiting for him to answer him, he figured David’s taste in jewellery would be closer to him than to Lee’s. They were both equally nerdy, that was for sure.
“I don’t know”, Lee said. “I’m shit at this, ‘scuse me French, look, which one would you like?”
“I like this one”, he replied immediately and lifted up one of the modern ones and handed it over to Lee.
Lee looked at it. It was a simple design. Initially, he’d thought David wouldn’t go for anything modern if there was a traditional, classic, old alternative. But this one, he could definitely see David being okay with it. It wasn’t flashy. It wasn’t gold. He didn’t know what metal it was, but it was barely shiny. Except for a couple of thin stripes that went round the edges, they looked like silver. Maybe the whole things was made of silver, Lee thought. Is that even okay for an engagement ring?
“That’s a dual finish tungsten carbide band”, the younger man said.
“It’s a what?”
The man chuckled again, “It’s made of tungsten carbide, it’s an inorganic chemical compound containing equal parts of tungsten and carbon atoms. Sorry, I’m a bit of a geek…”
Yeah, that’s why I’m asking.
“It’s about ten times harder than 18 karat gold and is becoming quite popular in wedding bands, for those of us that aren’t really tradition, or too fond of gold. And dual finish just means part of it’s polished, that’s the shiny part there, and part of it’s not.”
“Yeah, I’ll take it.”
“Okay”, the man chuckled. “You sure you don’t want to look at a few more before you decide?”
“God no. Actually, I do have one more question, it’s a bit unrelated, well kind of… See I’m on this panel show, maybe you’ve seen it, it’s called Would I lie to you… and in the show there’s a segment called ‘This is my’…”
“Yeah, I know, I’ve seen the show…”
“Oh, good, great. Well, the next recording is tomorrow and I was wondering if you’d be willing to appear as my ‘this is my’, although I should warn you it probably won’t make it into the show…”
“Right… I guess, that’s fine…”
“Great, cheers! So I’ll just take the two rings, and actually there was a necklace, as well…”
They slip into the canteen, not really unnoticed but definitely left alone. David grabs a huge sandwich and some fruit, then hands it all over to Lee as he pays for it.
“I can get it”, Lee protests, but David ignores him.
He smiles his thanks to the cashier and then gently tugs Lee over to a table in the corner. They sit down opposite each other and when it becomes clear to Lee that David won’t say a word until he’s eaten something, Lee unwraps the sandwich and takes a huge bite out of it. He chews almost demonstratively. David raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t comment. He’s learned not to encourage the childish side to Lee.
“I can’t believe you did that”, he says instead.
“You told me to”, Lee reminds him.
“I wasn’t serious!”
“I know… I am, though.”
Karen approaches them with an apologetic look and crouches down next to the table and tells them in a low voice that they really need to crack on, the audience is getting restless. David glances at Lee, the worried look back on his face and Lee quickly puts the last bit of sandwich in his mouth and reaches for one of the apples.
“Yeah, alright”, David says, but he still looks unconvinced.
“I’m fine”, Lee assures him, and this time he really means it. “I feel much better already. Honest.”
“’Honestly’”, David corrects him even as he’s turning to Karen, it’s almost obsessive-compulsive with him and half the time he doesn’t even seem to be aware he’s doing, like now.
“So what’s the plan?” he asks Karen.
“Well we have a back-up for the ‘This is my’ segment on stand-by, so we can either shoot that segment again, or we can stick with the one we have and do some pick-ups on… you know, the last bit… I mean, it’s up to you, really.”
“Are you sure that would be a good idea?” David asks sceptically.
“I don’t know if I turn that into something funny”, Lee admits. “I mean, we can play it like it’s all a big practical joke, but I’m not sure it’ll be funny enough…”
Karen’s eyes widen slightly when she realises that it hadn’t actually been a practical joke to start with, but she kindly doesn’t comment on it, just agrees that the best thing to do is re-shoot the whole segment.
“We’ll be right there”, Lee tells her.
On the way back to the stage, David discretely rests his hand on top of Lee’s lower arm and Lee looks at him, notes that his eyes are guarded now and wonders if that’s because he’s put his ‘game face’ back on or if he genuinely doesn’t want Lee to read him right now. Lee can’t really afford to hope at this point, so bats the thoughts away entirely.
“Afterwards”, David says. “Can we go somewhere? You know, and finish our talk…”
“Yeah”, Lee breathes out. “We could get a coffee?”
David’s lips twitch a little.
“If you want.”
“It’s a date.”
The rest of the show goes by in a blur, but once it’s over and they all head to the dressing rooms to remove their make-up and grab their things, both Lee and David slow down their pace. Lee knows he’s stalling, and judging by the immaculate way David gets ready and gathers his things, he reckons he’s stalling too.
“Right”, David says finally as he’s clearly run out of things to do. “Shall we?”
He hadn’t been aware of holding his breath as soon as David begun to speak, but realises it as he replies breathlessly, “Yeah…”
They walk in silence, side by side, and head towards the usual café, our café as Lee thinks of it now, and don’t really look at each other until they’ve entered. David’s the one to break the silence, asking if Lee wants to grab them a table while he orders.
Sure, Lee says and starts scanning for an empty table. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to him that David knows him so well that he doesn’t even need to ask what to get him. He does know him that well and why wouldn’t he, they’ve been together, God we have, haven’t we, we’ve been together, all this time, for months and months now. No, it’s been over a year, two almost. He can’t believe it’s been that long, but it has. Of course, they don’t know each other as well as they would have done if they’d lived together for all that time, or even part of it. But still. Two years.
He grabs a corner table by the window. David joins him almost immediately, carrying a tray with one coffee cup and one coffee glass, for the life of him, Lee will never understand how anyone can drink that, let alone call it coffee, he can’t even pronounce it himself, and in-between the two drinks there’s a small plate with a piece of cake. And one spoon, Lee notes.
“We’re not sharing?” he asks, nerves forgotten for a moment, back in their usual routine.
“No, I… I don’t really feel like it…” David mumbles as he sits down in the seat opposite.
Lee doesn’t buy for a minute, but he doesn’t say anything because he’s not sure if David is on some ridiculous diet, or if he in fact feels too nervous to eat anything at the moment. Instead, he sips his coffee. David does the same, and then immediately licks the subtle layer of foam off his upper lip. Lee’s suddenly seized by the urge to lick it off for him the next time he takes a sip, but he wouldn’t have been allowed to do that even before all of this happened.
“I’m sorry I embarrassed you”, he says after a few more sips in silence.
“It’s okay”, David mumbles. “Just… please never do that again. Ever.”
“What, propose to you on national television?” Lee quips.
A faint blush appears on David’s face, even as he rolls his eyes at him. “Yes. But I meant more in general, you know, public displays of affection and all that, I really don’t… It’s not really my thing… at all.”
There goes the possibility of licking foam off his face, Lee thinks, but what he says is “I know…”
And he does know. David is the most private person he’s ever met, and Lee’s met a fair amount of awkward comedians in his day. Contrary to his public persona, David is shy and insecure beyond belief. He usually jokes about that, but always in the past tense, when he’s talking about himself as a child or a teenager. Although he’s never claimed to not be shy now that he’s an adult, he never really acknowledged it either. But Lee, and everyone who knows him in the real world, knows just how awkward and insecure he really is. Stick him in a room full of people mingling and drinking cocktails and he’ll be stood in a corner nursing his one and only drink, hoping no-one will notice him and if they do, unless it’s someone he’s actually close to, he’ll get his customary deer-in-headlights look, stammer out some fairly acceptable small talk, then make a hasty retreat.
Never did that with me, though. Come to think of it, it was David who approached Lee and started making small talk the first time they met, just before they started recording the pilot of Would I lie To You. It was awkward small talk, but small talk nonetheless. And David initiated it. Lee’s never really given that a second thought, until this very moment. Looking back now, he realises what a huge thing that was. He must have really liked me.
“I’m sorry”, Lee says again.
David sighs. He looks really uncomfortable.
“I said it’s fine… are you really, did you really…”
“I left her, yeah”, Lee says, gently, because David is steadily paling and trembling all over.
He tries to sound reassuring, like it’s not a big deal, like it’s all fine, like it wasn’t a spur of the moment, impulsive decision that he might regret in a week’s time, and even though, technically it was, the more he thinks about it, the more he says it aloud, as heart-breaking as it is to be on bad terms with Tara, it’s becoming clearer and clearer to him that it’s the right thing and a long time coming.
“Been kipping at Noel’s place for the past week. Tara’s still upset, but then she’s got every right to be doesn’t she… she’ll come around though, I’m sure of it, might take a while, but I genuinely believe we’ll be able to be friends of sorts, one day, you know… I won’t regret it, I don’t regret it, I should have told her ages ago, that I do regret, having done that to her, to you… I feel like a right shit to be honest…”
“I came on to you”, David mumbles, he still won’t look Lee in the eyes, and he’s still trembling.
Lee realises he’s actually fighting tears. He thinks it’s all his fault.
“David… it takes two, pardon the cliché, and besides… you’re the best thing to have happened to me since Louie were born.”
“Was”, David corrects, sounding miserable.
Lee takes a deep breath, then gets up with a “Be right back” and heads over to the counter to get a refill of coffee. He also asks for another spoon which he hands to David without explanation as he sits back down in front of him. David accepts the spoon without a word and immediately takes a bite out of the piece of cake.
After another couple of bites, David puts the spoon down and takes a deep breath. He finally meets Lee’s eyes, if only for a second, and smiles a little crookedly.
“Listen”, he says, gazing out of the window next to them, “If you’re getting a bit fed up with Noel’s sofa, you could always come stay at mine if you want… I mean, it wouldn’t have to permanent!”
Lee would be disheartened if it wasn’t for the faint blush that’s crept onto David’s face again. He’s worried I’m going to say no.
“David…” he says gently and leans forward until the edge of the table cuts into his chest and upper arms, waits for David to glance at him then continues, “I’ve just proposed to you. I think it’s fair to say that I want us to live together.”
The blush on David’s face deepens immediately. His gaze drops back to the table top, but now he’s also smiling a little. The worry is still there, though. It’s collected as tension in his shoulders and the small muscles around his eyes.
“Do you still not believe I was being serious?” Lee asks.
“I do”, David murmurs. “I just…”
Taking a breath, David finally looks up again and finally meets Lee’s gaze, properly. His eyes and basically all of his face are open, completely open to him. Heart on his sleeve, I think I’ve reached the edge of the map, better tread lightly.
“I just think you’ll change your mind”, David says truthfully.
Lee inhales the words, really sucks them into his lunges, then nods.
“Tell you what”, he says. “Why don’t I move in with you to start with, Noel’s sofa will have broken me back before the weekend, and we’ll just see if you think you’ll be able to tolerate me and my chaotic living on a regular, permanent basis and then… then I’ll ask you again, yeah?”
David swallows thickly, then nods. Most of the tension in his face melts away. Some drops from his shoulders as well, but not nearly all of it. But then he’s always tense in his shoulders. Maybe he’ll let me give him a massage later, Lee thinks. Maybe he’ll do me as well. Maybe we’ll even have make up sex.
“Although”, Lee adds. “You did technically say ‘I do’ just then…”
David huffs and gives him an exasperated look, but underneath it there’s a hint of fondness. Lee hadn’t realised how starved he’s been for that look. Until now.