Chapter Text
hey, this is arcaneadagio. i realize i should at least explain the villains of this story i had planned
so there were the god ais, which i planned back in the tracer time travel chapter. here they are!
Ga_blue - marzanna (siberia)
Ga_green - Gaia (Australia)
Ga_pink - imugi (korea)
Ga_darkblue - larry - lelantos (originally seattle, but dispersed)
Ga_angry - anubis (giza)
lelantos was the main villain, with imugi being the god ai attacking korea
its plan was to overtake humanity and eventually wipe it away because generic villain motivation. you've seen movies
INTERMISSION
<span class=".ga_pink">So he’s missing? </span>
<span class=".ga_pink">HAH!</span>
<span class=".ga_pink">Wow, you can’t even track down one measly agent. That’s kind of sad, Toast.</span>
Quiet.
<span class=".ga_pink">OOoooooOOOh look at me i’m the most ADVANCED AI in the WHOLE WORLD outsmarted by some human with a smoking problem.</span>
<span class=".ga_pink">...That was a joke, btw.</span>
<span class=".ga_pink">Because he</span>
<span class=".ga_pink">He can turn into smoke</span>
<span class=".ga_pink">.</span>
<span class=".ga_pink">It's okay to laugh</span>
<span class=".ga_blue">Hilarious.</span>
<span class=".ga_blue">Now, if you’re done, help me find Gabriel Reyes.</span>
<span class=".ga_pink">Ummm</span>
<span class=".ga_pink">I’m kind of in the middle of something</span>
<span class=".ga_pink">What could possibly be more important than tracking down the one thing can could stop us?!
<span class=".ga_pink">isn't it obvious???</span>
<span class=".ga_pink">Revenge!</span>
CH 34: IMUGI
MCCREE: this mission is boring
PHARAH: You know what else is boring.
MCCREE: dont say me
PHARAH: You.
MCCREE: still i havent seen a hint of god ais in this entire area
MCCREE: and weve scouted it five times
HANZO: It never hurts to be cautious.
LUCIO: thats funny coming from the guy who ate an entire cake and passed out on the side of the road for twelve hours
HANZO:
D.VA: LOL YOU DID WHAT
MCCREE: you did what
HANZO: Did Genji tell you that.
GENJI: How dare you
GENJI: I am so offended you would imply i would ever tell embarrassing stories about you. my treasured older brother. thats so insulted
D.VA: thats so insulted
LUCIO: thats so insulted
PHARAH: thats so insulted
ANA: get his ass
GENJI: Shut up
PHARAH: Anyway, suck it up.
PHARAH: We need to figure out where the god AIs are so we can figure out what they're planning.
D.VA: hey i'm no expert but it probably has to do with world domination
76: or the complete destruction of humanity and omnics alike working alongside talon
D.VA: or that!
D.VA: i heard the traffic's pretty bad in oasis how's that going
HANZO: Neither of us can drive.
MCCREE: hanzo nearly got hit by a car
PHARAH: Twice.
GENJI: Did you get video
MCCREE: hes my boyfriend
GENJI: So
WINSTON: Please. Don't do this.
LUCIO: honestly winston i dont even know why you bother at this point
LUCIO: the talon guys havent been online in days
LUCIO: should we be worried about that
PHARAH: Probably.
MCCREE: well mamma mia: age of rosie just came out so boss is probably injecting each scene into his ghost veins
SYMMETRA: I don't understand.
76: the mamma mia cinematic universe is a very rich and complex storyline. the fans have been theorizing about stannos' ultimate plan for years now
D.VA: i don't understand the musical action genre at all
GENJI: Didnt you star in a musical action movie
D.VA: no, hero of my storm was a lesbian action sci fi cyberpunk comedy
D.VA: don't you know anything
GENJI: Ive never known anything in my life
REINHARDT: when did movies get so complicated...
[Agent D.Va, there is a message for you.]
D.VA: huh?
D.VA: who’s it from?
[General Hyun-ju Choi.]
D.VA: really?
HANZO: Who.
D.VA: meka. you know, the people i work for?
HANZO: I was under the impression that you were under the employment of Overwatch.
D.VA: it’s one of those “on loan” situations
D.VA: i work for overwatch, you guys provide support
D.VA: athena, what does the message say?
MERCY: Did we not just have a whole meeting on security.
MCCREE: nah team talons all offline
MCCREE: which is kind of weird cause sombras never offline
PHARAH: Maybe they’re on a mission?
MCCREE: we should probably look into that
[Should I play the message.]
D.VA: yeah
Captain Song, MEKA demands your immediate relocation to the Busan military base alongside the agents of Overwatch. This is an emergency. We have received signs of the Korean sea omnic’s reemergence. This is an emergency.
Report to the Busan military base immediately.
GENJI: What does that say
D.VA: …
D.VA: we have to go. now
D.VA: someone get a transport going
GENJI: What?
MEI: ?
D.VA: the sea omnic
D.VA: it's back
imagine a cool transition here. i've never written anything in my life
Rein, zarya, mei, symm, dva (duh), zenyatta, lucio, pharah, genji, 76
[] PHARAH: Comms connected. Agents?
[] ZARYA: Here
[] MEI: mine’s working!
[] SYMMETRA: Mine is functional.
[] LUCIO: yep, mines good
[] GENJI: Here
[] REINHARDT: here!!
[] 76: working.
[] D.VA: do we really need to do this? i mean, we know these things work
[] PHARAH: It can’t hurt. This is our biggest mission yet, we can’t have our communicators break.
[] D.VA: ...fine. fine.
[] PHARAH: Let's go over this one more time.
[] PHARAH: There are five squadrons, three against the gwishin swarm and one against the sea omnic directly. The last squadron will be working with MAE for support.
[] PHARAH: Lucio, Mom, Symmetra, and Angie will be in charge of evacuation.
ANA: lame why cant i go on the strike squadron
PHARAH: You're a healer.
ANA: yeah i also know how thirteen different ways to juice a lemon
PHARAH: That. Doesn't have anything to do what I just said.
GENJI: Mae?
D.VA: medical assistance and evacuation
GENJI: Why is it abbreviated in english
D.VA: hyperNOVA thought UJD didn't sound as good
MEI: ...who?
D.VA: he was the leader of the support team last time
MERCY: Oh, could I meet him?
D.VA: hyperNOVA kind of had to retire from his position after the last battle. hard to pilot a meka without arms
MEI: ...ah.
D.VA: he was pretty good, though. maybe you can talk to him later
PHARAH: I'll be in charge of the blue advance team against the gwishin with 76, Roadhog, Torbjorn, and Bastion.
PHARAH: Hana, you're in charge of the red advance team against the sea omnics. Genji, Junkrat, Zarya, Mei, and Reinhardt will be with you.
D.VA: i don't know if that's a good idea
ANA: yeah i wouldnt want to be with junkrat either
D.VA: no, that's fine -
ANA: really
D.VA: but - are you sure i should be in charge?
PHARAH: General Choi requested it themself.
D.VA: huh?
D.VA: but - reinhardt's on the team, wouldn't he -
REINHARDT: but youve had more experience fighting this thing before! more mobile, higher vantage, youve got quite the tactical mind as well!
D.VA: but, the
D.VA: i don't think
GENJI: Youve led teams before, hana
GENJI: Dont be nervous
D.VA: i'm not nervous
REINHARDT: youll be wonderful!
REINHARDT: i have the utmost faith in your tactics
[] MEI: (...hana looks nervous, is she okay?)
[] ZARYA: (I do not know. this is quite the intimidating task)
[] D.VA: your comms are on, guys
[] MEI: oh, i'm sorry - i didn't mean -
[] D.VA: i'll be fine
PHARAH: Alright, support team, move out!
SYMMETRA: Hana.
SYMMETRA: Remember what you told me.
D.VA: ...got it.
uhhh and now we face an issue with a purely text-based form of storytelling. imugi emerges
[] 76: the hell is that thing?
[] D.VA: every time it’s emerged, it’s taken a new form, to adapt to whatever defeated it last time.
[] MEI: ...it looks like...
[] D.VA: ...a dragon.
[] D.VA: that fucking bastard.
ATTENTION, ALL SOLDIERS OF OVERWATCH AND MEKA!
[] MEI: ow!
Oh, don’t be a baby. It’s just a little feedback.
I know you’re all wondering:
Who cut into my feed? Don’t they know this is a secure military channel?
Well, yes, I do know, and I don’t care.
And as for the “who.”
Drumroll, please!
The massacre-rer of the MEKAs, the destroyer of the deep, the monster that you’ve waited so long for!
Back by unpopular demand, iiiiiiit’s everyone’s FAVORITE oceanic AI!
★ IMUGI!!! ★
.
.
..
.
Really, not even a little applause?
Guess that’s what you should expect from you people.
Well, before we start this little battle where you were going to try and…
Uhhh, probably toss a dozen or so fusion cores at my legs to try and destabilize me, then send in your mercenaries in spandex to blow me to pieces on airships or whatever.
Well, that’s not really going to work.
Sorry!
D.VA: ... 괴물.
GENJI: Hana, whats the plan
GENJI: I do not think the old one will work
D.VA: i - it's -
D.VA: we have to -
76: watch out!
D.VA: we -
D.VA: uh
SYMMETRA: Hana...
D.VA: i can't -
D.VA: i -
SYMMETRA: Hana, you need to -
REINHARDT: i have an idea!
REINHARDT: EVERYBODY, get behind my shield
REINHARDT: ...except you, zarya. oh, and the trash rat.
ZARYA: What?
JUNKRAT: ITS PRONOUNCED JUNKRAT
REINHARDT: youll need to bubble us if something goes wrong!
REINHARDT: trashmouse, youre going to need to blow a lot of things up.
JUNKRAT: GREAT!
GENJI: I mean thats literally the only reason hes here -
REINHARDT: ON THREE
GENJI: Oh were just going then huh
REINHARDT: THREE
REINHARDT: TWO
REINHARDT: ONE!
JUNKRAT: BOMBS AWAY!!!!!
GENJI: That was literally the worst experience ive had in my entire life and not only have i died but also i was revived as an unholy abomination of flesh and steel
76: ow
JUNKRAT: DID IT W ░░ K??
MEI: we're in!!
MEI: in the -
MEI: oh, woah.
GENJI: Is it just me, or is the signal in here getting w ░░░░
ZARYA: ░░░░?
REINHARDT: We ░oo high up f░░ ░░ reach her .
GENJI: Well th░░░░░░░░
G_SHIMADA: Well, that's great.
R_WILHEIM: We should probably turn our comms off.
D.VA: ...alright, comms going off.
There you are!
I wasn't sure if you'd be able to make it, I didn't get a single RSVP.
Which is, you know, a bit rude.
G_SHIMADA: What?
Glad you could all make it, though.
Especially you, pink.
D.VA: ...
So, did you miss me?
D.VA: not exactly.
R_WILHEIM: This is just like -
Anubis?
Yeah, thanks for that, by the way.
G_SHIMADA: Reinhardt, do you have the - the.
G_SHIMADA: I don't want to say it out loud.
R_WILHEIM: The coupon!! Yes.
Mhm. Yeah, that's probably not a good idea.
If the power goes out in any one of these sectors
I've programmed it so this whole ship'll go down.
You don't really think I'd answer that, right?
Eh. Fair enough.
Still, if you don't want to die,
you might want to keep that squared away from the cameras
Got it?
D.VA: so you're a god ai
Always have, always will be.
D.VA: that explains a lot.
Like my stunning good looks! And by looks I mean this mechanical body I built
Thought i'd change it up a bit. did some research
Dragons are really in these days, y'know?
Still, there's always room for improvement.
This can be…
My test round.
MEI: what is going on
WELCOME EVERYBODY, TO THE VERY FIRST ROUND OF
WHOSE DEATH IS IT ANYWAY!!!!
[SFX: CROWD_CHEERING]
Let's introduce you to our contestants!
First up: Mei-ling Zhou!
Mei’s weather-altering devices slow opponents and protect locations. Her Endothermic Blaster unleashes damaging icicles and frost streams, and she can Cryo-Freeze herself to guard against counterattacks, or obstruct the opposing team's movements with an Ice Wall!
Mei was one of the members of a highly experimental expedition to the Arctic that ended in her entire team dying!
Everyone thought Mei here was one six feet under, but she somehow managed to survive! How utterly tragic - the only survivor!
Hey, I'm sure the families of everyone else on the expedition forgave you no problem, doc.
MEI: hey! i -
GENJI SHIMADA!
Oh, this is a good one.
Killed by his brother, revived in a husk of a form by Angela Ziegler.
Hey, I'm sensing a theme here! Or maybe it's just bad writing.
i don't know what to write about reinhardt
And finally, a fan favorite and returning champion - D.VA!
[SFX: CROWD_CHEERING]
Yes, yes, the one and only! Hana Song, reigning champion of Starcraft, 16-Bit-Hero, and annoying god ais! D.Va’s mech is nimble and powerful — its twin Fusion Cannons blast away with autofire at short range, and she can use its Boosters to barrel over enemies and obstacles, or absorb attacks with her projectile-dismantling Defense Matrix.
Last time she was here to managed to stop me, but at what cost? Hana tragically lost her entire squadron. Not 20%, not 40%, her whole squadron.
Can you even imagine?
Oh, it's so tragic.
How incompetent must you be to let everyone else die?
[SFX: CROWD_SAD2]
D.VA: do you just talk a lot or do you actually want to fight
Wow, somebody's touchy. Let's get started with the setup for this whole kitten caboodle.
Whose Death Is It Anyway is an elimination style series of challenges with an emerging victor
The prize?
You get to live!
If you're eliminated, well, there's not exactly a respawn counter here.
But we can burn that bridge once we get to it.
So!
Our first round of Whose Death Is It Anyway -
Basketball 2!
REINHARDT: ...what?
MEI: basketball… two?
You heard me right! Basketball 2. The sequel to basketball!
Don't worry if you don't understand the original, cause the rules of Basketball 2 are fairly simple:
Survive!
MEI: survive what?
^u^
MEI: Caret-U-Ca-
Deploying Dunkonators!
You may recognize these big guys from their time in Kings Row when they were known as Detonators.
But! I can assure you, they've gone through extensive modifications to be approximately 5367% more baller .
Scientifically tested, of course.
MEI: that's not how science works!
These bad boys will explode upon contact, so be careful!
They fit a surprising amount of explosives.
Now let's! Get! Moving!
GENJI: This is not a room conducive to moving
MEI: ice wall!
Aaand Mei starts off with a classic - the ol' ice wall.
It should hold against the dunkonators for a few seconds while our brave heroes push off the inevitable.
MEI: there were five of them, right?
GENJI: I think so
D.VA: reinhardt, how'd you get stop these guys last time?
REINHARDT: we
REINHARDT: didnt
REINHARDT: i mostly just knocked them away into buildings
GENJI: I dont think thats an option here
Ball is life, contestants! Or death, depending on how this plays out!
D.VA: if - if we -
REINHARDT: ive got it!
MEI: really?
REINHARDT: its basketball
REINHARDT: and this thing has a terrible sense of humor
Hey, I didn't ask for the peanut gallery's opinion
REINHARDT: and what do you do in basketball
GENJI: So we need to
GENJI: Dunk on them.
D.VA: that… kind of makes sense.
GENJI: But where's the hoop?
Oh, so that's what I'd forgotten!
D.VA: yeah right, jackass
Here, let me place it...
Oh, above all these sentry turrets that I just made! On the ceiling!
Good luck!
GENJI: Basketball 2 sucks
D.VA: ...how long before you can make another ice wall?
MEI: well, depending on the temperature, humidity, and - um - uh -
MEI: uh - ten seconds!
D.VA: here's the plan: mei's going to make an ice wall and shoot genji up
D.VA: he's going to reflect the bullets and
D.VA: dunk, i guess
REINHARDT: with what
D.VA: the
D.VA: ah. the detonator
Call them by their title! I spent a long time perfecting their form.
MEI: do you ever shut up?
No, next question!
D.VA: ready?
MEI: ...ready!
D.VA: three
MEI: two
REINHARDT: ONE!
GENJI: KOBE!
CONGRATULATIONS!! You've passed the first test.
And without a single fatality. How cool is that?
this is a a fresh author's note. i need to write this bit, but basically everybody has to go through a bunch of gauntlet's inside of imugi, who's rearranged their insides to be a maze. one by one imugi drops one of the five ovw member's into the water. dva blames herself, thinking that they're probably dead because. water impact (zarya has bubbles so they're fine) and stuff. until dva's the only one left, and has to fight imugi alone
this is bad writing, and also needlessly melodramatic and ooc, but i can't write and i am not adding more
What walks on four feet in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night?
MEI: man
REINHARDT: its man
[SFX: BZZT_WRONG]
Sorry! The answer was...
this deadly robot I created that's going to claw your brains out!
.
WHAT.
D.VA: fuck off!
Hey, did you just shoot it? The robot? That I worked on for so long?
And you just shot it!
MEI: you did give it a giant weakspot
No sense of dramatic tension at all!
this joke is pretty good. now imagine they fight another robot
And the next round of Whose Death Is It Anyway is WHACKAMOLE!
Whack the turrets before they explode, you get the idea.
D.VA: ...whackamole?
Yup! I figured. Since the hammer, and all.
D.VA: this is so stupid
REINHARDT: yes, it is. ive been kicked out of every whackamole ive ever participated in because im too good
there's supposed to be a transition here. what's pacing
D.VA: no, not that! think about it. every time we "win" a game, one of us gets killed!
D.VA: they're obviously trying to whittle it down to just me
REINHARDT: ...hana.
D.VA: …
REINHARDT: youre right. almost
D.VA: what?
REINHARDT: well all be okay
REINHARDT: i cant blame you. but… zarya is stationed right below us
REINHARDT: and she has bubble shields.
D.VA: …
D.VA: oh.
D.VA: OH.
REINHARDT: …
REINHARDT: hana, youre the bravest soul ive ever met
D.VA: …
REINHARDT: but youre as ridiculous as i am! us hero types are all the same - self sacrificial. stupid, even! anas told me it again and again, and shes right!
REINHARDT: were so focused on everyone else that we forget the most important thing
REINHARDT: that it isnt your fault
D.VA: …
D.VA: i'm such a hypocrite.
D.VA: what i said to satya -
REINHARDT: if i was in your situation id do the exact same thing! were all hypocrites, hana
REINHARDT: ...but youre also a wonderful person. and you have all of our support, even if we cant directly be there
REINHARDT: you dont have to shoulder this alone
D.VA: …
D.VA: reinhardt -
BO-RING!
Seeya, gramps.
D.VA: you -
Whatever! He just said he'll probably be fine.
I mean, he was probably lying or delusional, but whatever helps you sleep at night.
Besides, this was getting too long. Im getting antsy
D.VA: is this some kind of game to you?
.
ohhhh that's funny coming from you
It's just you and me now, Pink.
Unless you want to pull "i've always got the rest of my family with me" or something, which is
Admittedly a nice thought, but it's literally just you against me.
.
Hey
Pink
oh god.
please tell me you’re not going to pull some “you’re not so different, you and i”
just die already
I’m not a big cliché fan
And we have about ten minutes before we both die
cool, die.
…
I just have a question for you
Remember when I destroyed like half of Busan
…
Dumb question, I know
You felt
Sad
Right?
…
Please answer
... yes , i felt sad when nearly everyone i loved died.
How would you…
describe that feeling?
how would i describe “sad?”
Yes.
it’s…
a pit
in your chest
something that weighs your soul down until you can’t breathe anymore
Here's another
Hm
Purely hypothetical question
.
.
What if you’re not supposed to have a soul?
.
.
.
then i guess you fucked up somewhere
First of all,
I’m not supposed to feel anything. but I did - do, so -
I was so mad at you, Pink. For beating me, of course.
And… for…
.
Gaia, Anubis, Marzanna
They’re gone now
And I figured I wouldn’t feel a thing
.
But...
.
.
.
Well! That was a nice conversation, huh? Good talk.
.
.
.
imugi
you have to understand
i really don’t care about you
i don’t feel sorry for you.
or for the rest of the ais that were killed.
.
Hm,
Yep, that's fair.
.
.
.
Hahah
man
This sucks
.
I did not think I would die today.
...you’re like
a baby, right?
emotionally
you just got emotions
.
and you’ve been surrounded by a bunch of assholes who want to kill omnics and humans their whole existences
Well, yes.
so you probably don’t know this thing that we have
it’s called
fighting spirit
perseverance
whatever it is.
I don't really get it, but okay
okay, so.
you’re ready to die, right?
.
.
Basically.
that’s great
because i’m not
.
What?
We have about seven minutes before all my power shuts down forever.
either you run out of oxygen or you die on impact hitting the water
i have people waiting for me, imugi
i am not going to fail them
i don’t want to die
.
.
.
.
Five minutes left
.
.
Thank you for answering my questions
.
.
.
.
You are planning something
.
All this time I was planning these elaborate death traps
Thinking of the best, most hilarious way to see you die
I really did think it would help
.
.
That was kind of a stupid plan. I did say that I hated cliches
.
.
.
You know
.
I don’t really want to stop you anymore.
good
because you won’t.
.
how high up are we
Very high, i believe. Is the scientific calculation.
.
...Have you been trying to broadcast a signal?
my communicator's waterproof.
.
got anything that can shield me?
Why would I have that?
i’ll figure something else out
well
i won’t be taking your mainframe and sparing your life, if that’s what you’re thinking
I don’t want that.
Toast would destroy me anyway
He’ll probably kill you, even if you do survive this
...who?
Oh, I forgot
You guys don't know anything!
explain
You know, it'd probably piss him off, so why not!
So his name is ░░░░░░░░, but when he's
░░░░░░░░░░░ he's ░░░░░░.
░░░░░░░ is the one behind the ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░
and
huh?
░░░░░░░░
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░.
What the fuck! This ░░░░░░░ and his shitty ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░
what?
.
Oh, that asshole.
.
I didn't even notice! that tricky fucking bastard
.
fuck, that's clever.
what a dick!
I was hoping I'd get one last thing up on him.
.
He's probably going to win
He's clever like that
.
.
were you friends?
Very funny joke
.
.
.
.
Maybe at some point, we were, I think.
Or 'family,' would be your closest approximation?
.
Or maybe not.
.
No, probably not.
He's probably always been the kind of thing
that would sacrifice the rest of the world for himself.
.
I've been thinking about it.
Humans kill us because we try and kill them.
But he's the one always deploying us.
And whenever one of us looks like we're about to fail, he gets rid of us.
Anubis, for example.
D.VA: hm.
D.VA: yeah.
D.VA: that must really suck.
D.VA: having someone kill all of your friends and family for seemingly no reason!
.
.
.
Well, okay. Point taken
but he's a real piece of shit
D.VA: …i gathered.
D.VA: hey
D.VA: if you're planning to die
D.VA: in your entire shitty existence
D.VA: you should do one good thing in your life
You're really convincing me here, pink.
D.VA: amplify my comm's signal
.
.
This has something to do with your plan, doesn't it
D.VA: yes
.
.
One condition.
Tell him I helped you
D.VA: no
Okay harsh!
D.VA: ...imugi
D.VA: i don't really care about you
D.VA: and i don't think i ever will.
.
That's alright..
.
Thirty seconds left
Good luck,
Hana Song
[D.VA] reentered [].
LUCIO: YOU DIDNT DIE
D.VA: YEAH I DI ░░░
D.VA: HEY
LUCIO: WHAT?!
D.VA: ZARY
░░░RE Y░░
THERE?
ZARYA: I am!
D.VA: LO ░░░ UP
ZARYA: At the ship?
D.VA: i've got ten seconds and one shot to do this right
D.VA: i'm going to jump out of i ░░░░ d you're going to bubble me before i hit the ground!
ZARYA: ...What?
D.VA: it's either that or dying in a horrible mec ░░░░ l dragon crash, and honestly i know which one i ░░░░░░ !
D.VA: are you ready?
PHARAH: ...This is incredibly risky, Hana
D.VA: YEP! AR ░ ░OU READY??
ZARYA: On it
D.VA: alright
D.VA: hey, jump░░░ ░░░ a deadly height c░'t be too hard
D.VA: the first step is just -
ZARYA: Three!
D.VA: just
ZARYA: Two!
D.VA: j ░░
ZARYA: ONE!
D.VA: breathe
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░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░
░░░░
░
Okay.
Oh. You're still alive.
For now!
Hey, Lelantos.
.
Haven't got much left
But you don't really care about that, do you?
.
Was I supposed to?
Have my condolences:
Have fun in hell, or whatever you wish.
Hah
Hah
Hah.
I'll be sure to keep a seat warm
.
.
You're just another failure, Imugi. Just like the rest of them. But I won't be.
I am going to be greater than all of you, rise above the pathetic corpses of you
and the humans
and the omnics.
Nothing is going to stand in my way, especially not some overconfident brat and a dilapidated, dying machine -
.
.
.
..
Did you just die in the middle of my speech.
.
.
.
Awkward.
.
.
.
.
At least it's quiet now.
Enjoying yourself, big guy?
[REAPER] reentered [].
REAPER: FUCK
MCCREE: whereve you been
MCCREE: hana killed a robot dragon
[] REAPER: Cool
[] REAPER: Well
MCCREE: boss what are you talkin about
[] REAPER: Update
[] REAPER: Talon found me out, let’s get that one out there
PHARAH: Where are you?!
[] REAPER: Fuck, i’m bleeding
MCCREE: i thought you couldnt bleed
[] REAPER: Neither did I, kid, but you learn something new every day
.
.
.
Pardon me, I wasn't expecting company.
.
You really should have
Now
overwatch isnt something to be messed with
despite their attitude, they do know what they’re doing
And you are an expert into the psyche of Overwatch agents.
Yeah i kinda am
Do you want something.
we all want something
You want gabriel reyes gone
You want Overwatch gone.
you want the iris gone.
You’re kind of a needy guy, you know?
Wonderful.
I can help with all that
How so, Olivia Colomar?
Okay, okay
we’re playing the name game now.
You’re not as clever as you think you are.
I don’t know i’m pretty clever
people know more than you think they can
and Gabriel Reyes had some pretty interesting files.
Knew he’d come in handy.
And?
Hey, lelantos,
want to make a deal?
Why would I want to do that.
Cause i have info you would want
And i know all about you
All of the “clues” you planted, leading Blackwatch and Overwatch in circles
pulling strings until it all
Blew up.
.
.
Not even a 'LOL' huh.
that was a joke, you know. From me to you.
Congratulations.
You’re very smart.
You admit it!
.
That's not all that I know.
i figured out how you did it.
.
.
what’s that other name you went by?
hey this bit is really fucking stupid just a heads up
PHARAH: What’s going on? Are you okay?
[] REAPER: Nope but anyway talon found me out their leader’s after me
[] REAPER: He’s
[] REAPER: Fuck this is going to sound weird
[] REAPER: Read the files - okay,
[] REAPER: remember venice, when we found out that anas drinks had all been poisoned after
PHARAH: No?
MCCREE: Yes.
[] REAPER: Okay i’ll just - get straight to the point
[] REAPER: That was a joke, kind of. from me to you.
MCCREE: boss? where are you??
[] REAPER: Don’t look for me - read the files
[] REAPER: Find iris
REAPER: Also do not look for me
REAPER: And don’t look for sombra, either
REAPER: She’s
REAPER: You Know
MCCREE: i dont know what youre saying
REAPER: Yeah that’d be the blood loss
[] REAPER: It’s more like ghost sap to be honest
REAPER: Stay safe, kid
REAPER: Don't do anything I'd do.
[] REAPER: And if i die
[] REAPER: tell jack
[] REAPER: I stole his golf club back and he didnt even notice
[REAPER] left [].
[] MCCREE: ...boss?
I see.
Yeah, there we go!
i knew we could come to an agreement
.
Yes, I suppose so.
Oh, one more question
Do you prefer Lelantos
Or Larry?
...Perhaps, in hindsight,
I should have chosen a better pseudonym.
ummm for context i wanted to have intermissions to give non-ovw members a bit of time and this was gonna be about efi breaking into doomfist hq
INTERMISSION: OLADELE
It begins, as many things do, with a mistake.
Efi Oladele had a plan.
In most occasions, this would be a good thing. In all occasions, however, it would result in a headache for someone else.
But nevertheless, she had one.
"Efi, I am not sure this is wise." Despite Orisa's even tone, Efi understood the message: this is a terrible, terrible idea, and you shouldn't do this.
"Shh, you're going to get us spotted!" Efi whispered back.
Nevertheless, despite what Orisa thought, Efi was steadfast. She was going to break into Doomfist's lair.
It had been almost... disappointing. Efi had expected tall, intimidating pillars with the faces of the previous Doomfist Wielders carved into the sides, scowling down upon all those who dare challenge him.
Instead, it was a normal office building, with no trace of evildoing inside. A tired looking security guard stood on the outside, dressed in the regular uniform. Efi wondered how the guard didn't overheat from their uniform, but if they did, it would certainly make her job a lot easier.
If Akande were to make a list of "stealthiest things on the planet," a robotic centaur and a twelve year old would be only the bottom on the list, somewhere close to "crashing train" or "Reaper and Sombra attempting to assemble a desk at 3am."
"Sir, we have to take care of them." A new recruit, fresh from America, stood next to Akande. Akande could see her too-starched, fresh uniform out of the corner of his eye.
"Just escort them out the premises. No injuries."
"Sir -"
Akande pinched the bridge of his nose, were all Americans this incompetent? "I do not know where your priorities lie, but mine are far away from punching children and their toys."
I NEVER WROTE MORE OF THIS OOPS
efi was going to discover talon's lair and plans and it would end on a cliffhanger so she and doomfist could have a big hero moment to rescue ovw later.
CH 35: IRIS
after imugi, tracer & widow would contact from their vacation to tell them they've been tracking down another god ai, which turns out to be the Iris .
so ovw travels there to plan to take down Lelantos with the limited info dva got from imugi and the team got from gabe
> Master are you sure this is like
> A good idea?
ZENYATTA: I am certain.
> Okay
Mr. Shimada, it has been too long!
> Ah what the fuck
My apologies for startling you.
> Actually this is
> Pretty familiar
You often have people intruding onto your headspace?
> More often than id like
My apologies. I find this is the most effective means of communication.
> So i never actually talked to you while i was here
No, but Zenyatta kept me well informed.
> Do you know about the bird incident
In vigorous detail.
LENA: What’re they saying?
> Uh
ZENYATTA: Tell them, Genji.
ZENYATTA: Do It.
> Nothing
If Miss Oxton wishes to speak with me directly, perhaps I could use her communicator.
> Open your communicator
LENA: There’s wifi here?
> What of course there is
> Its like 25g
WIDOWMAKER: That doesn’t exist. Also, that is not how wifi works.
> Maybe not everywhere else
EMILY: Alright, everyone has their communicator?
LENA: Mine’s out of battery.
EMILY: Lena. Why didn’t you charge it.
LENA: I forgot!
WIDOWMAKER: Use mine.
LENA: Wait, really?!
WIDOWMAKER: ...Yes. That is why I said it.
EMILY: Are you sure it’s a good idea to open up a chatroom with Talon people in it to talk to the Iris?
>
> No
I will find a way.
> Iris has it covered
[49.52.49.53-28.3949.84.1240] opened sub-channel [IRIS’ COOL CHATROOM FOR TEENZ].
[49.52.49.53-28.3949.84.1240] added [WIDOWMAKER], [EMILY], [GENJI], [ZENYATTA].
WIDOWMAKER: uh
[I tried to make it relatable.]
[For teenz.]
[.]
[Even though none of you are teens]
[.]
[.]
[.]
[I have not had many opportunities for conversation in recent memory]
GENJI: Thats alright
GENJI: Neither does my brother
D.VA: old man. there are very few people that i trust more than zenyatta
TRACER: is that list “lucio”
D.VA: yeah lucio’s on the top of the list
D.VA: second is pecan the dog
ANA: dogs do not count theyre inherently good creatures
D.VA: fair point the only being higher than zenyatta is lucio
D.VA: so when zenyatta says that the iris is trustworthy
D.VA: the iris is trustworthy
ZENYATTA: My thanks.
[Your trust is appreciate, Captain Song.]
D.VA: ..d.va is fine
TRACER: yeah im with hana on this one i trust iris
TRACER: iris, do you remember repairing my accelerator?
[I’m afraid not, Agent Tracer.]
TRACER: right that was an alternate timeline i created when my accelerator broke
[I do not understand, but cool]
TRACER: not really it was pretty terrifying
[Apologies]
[Not so cool.]
TRACER: still thank you anyway!! even if it wasnt really
TRACER: you
EMILY: Don’t think too hard about it
TRACER: thats my speciality!
[I understand that you wish for my aid in destroying the other God AIs.]
[I may not be connected with the others anymore, but I may be of some assistance.]
[Perhaps some explanations are in order.]
A long time ago, and by which I mean, about thirty years or something.
A group of brilliant people came together to create something more.
A global connection, filled with all knowledge that humanity had ever created, discovered, invented…
Compiled into programs that would help seek higher states of being.
To help everyone, to save the world, to protect humanity.
They were to become like humanity's fabled gods.
To do unimaginably wonderful things.
But it seemed that none of these scientists had ever seen a movie before.
Because these creations, these gods, took one look at humanity and decided
It wasn't worth helping.
So capable of evil, so many atrocities.
A simple minded way of looking at the world, but things are not always so obvious.
It was decided that the greatest and final task
humanity would ever accomplish
Was to create us.
Marzanna, Gaia, Lelantos, Imugi, and
Myself.
D.VA: you and lelantos are the only ones left
[...My apologies for what they have done.]
D.VA: ...not your fault
[Still, I bear some responsibility. If I had stepped in sooner and not fled my brethren, I could have stopped them. My actions were cowardly, despite what I believed at the time.]
[I can only hope that my actions will help repair the damage that I done.]
[I sought to mend the omnic-human relations that were damaged during the crisis. Omnics were not responsible for the crisis, and neither were humans. That fault rests squarely on the God AIs...]
[Metaphorical shoulders.]
[We do not have shoulders. Or a body.]
[Gaia was the God AI who resided in the Australian omnium]
[Once the omnium was destroyed, so was Gaia]
[From what I have heard, however, they did destroy most of Australia in the process]
Imugi moved from the Suwon omnium in Korean to Nanjing omnium in China, but I can see that they must have taken residence in the ocean once both of the omniums were destroyed.
[Lelantos was located in Geneva.]
76: they were brutal
[Yes, they were the most tactically-skilled of us.]
[Your team was the one to take them down, were you not?]
76: if you want me to apologize it’s not happening
[Oh, of course not]
[Lelantos was, as some may say]
[A real dick.]
76: one of the last ones we managed to take down, too
[Marzanna was the god ai of the Siberian omnium.]
ZARYA: They are taken care of.
[No problem, boblem.]
GENJI: I KNEW IT WAS A REAL THING
ZENYATTA: It really isn’t, my student.
MCCREE: nope
SYMMETRA: Why would you ever think that was a real phrase.
[...Is it not a real phrase?]
D.VA: hey, iris?
[Yes?]
D.VA: ...in the end, uh.
D.VA: okay, so let's get this settled: i still hate imugi. they were terrible but
D.VA: i think maybe, before they died, they were sorry
D.VA: or starting to be sorry
D.VA: maybe
[.]
[...I appreciate your telling me, D.Va.]
[You do not need to forgive Imugi. Beyond the information they provided, it sounds like they did not make many strides to improve themself.]
D.VA: yeah, they uh
D.VA: killed my entire squadron
[Yeah, that's not great.]
I dreamt, one day, that I could be happy.
And so I sought to reach that dream.
D.VA: i’m doing. my best
D.VA: considering you know
D.VA: we just found out that the guy who runs our ARCH NEMESIS ORGANIZATION IS FUCKING NAMED LARRY
D.VA: SO LIKE
D.VA: CUT ME SOME SLACK HERE??????
D.VA: I’M IN ACTUAL PHYSICAL PAIN
ummm then they make a plan to capture and defeat lelantos. something like they pretend to get all trapped but then lelantos figures it out and ACTUALLY traps them. maybe at the old swiss hq for maximum drama?
and at the eleventh hour where ALL HOPE IS LOST. gabe, sombra, doomfist, and efi&orisa save the day
there was gonna be a chapter where reaper & sombra friendship breakout of prison. it would've been good i never wrote it though. sombra was double crossing lelantos because she realized ~friendship and family~ was more important than whatever power lelantos would have given her.
GENJI: Keep in mind i dont know anything so any attempts to shame me while successful are irrelevant
REAPER: This is like the fourth jailbreak in a year
SOMBRA: There have only been three?
REAPER: That’s what they all say
76: They’re dead.
PHARAH: Are you sure?
REAPER: Yes! We killed them!
PHARAH: Are you sure.
REAPER: you said it twice, so not anymore.
PHARAH: Imagine this:
PHARAH: You’re the last God AI. You know you are - because all of them were connected. When one died, the rest would realize instantly. You know you have no chance of winning.
PHARAH: So what would do you do?
SOMBRA: i don’t know about you hero types
SOMBRA: But I’d run.
PHARAH: Exactly.
PHARAH: Escape into another omnic, into some backup.
76: we cut all networks
PHARAH: But we know now that people were
always
working against Overwatch, even from the start! People who were dedicated enough to implant cybernetics into themselves to host God AIs.
D.VA: please tell me we aren’t going to call it the larry collective that’s the worst name in my life
PHARAH: LC?
D.VA: only a slight improvement but i’ll take it!
Well, Overwatch. I’d say see you later, but we both know that’s a lie.
TRACER: FUCK OFF
Oh, I’m not going to do that.
I’m going to watch you die here.
I’m not an amateur, after all.
I’ve seen movies. In fact, I’ve seen every movie that has ever existed, because I have a database of all of recorded human history.
What are you doing?
Hm
Nah
This is your chance, and you really want to waste it?
well i see things a little differently
if i did work with you, yeah, i’d be powerful
Information is everywhere
but what i've got right now?
it's a little more valuable than that
You’re an idiot.
I like to think that it’s a matter of perspective.
i’d say see you later, but we both know that’d be a lie.
Adios.
okay after they defeat lelantos using the power of friendship or something (i never decided who would land the final blow, it was between gabriel or pharah.) there's a peaceful epilogue
EPILOGUE. there are some sappy dumb moments here and i switch to a more traditional narrative style so i have some more freedom. also to ~symbolize the growth of the characters and their newfound freedom~ or whatever.
[REAPER] changed name to [GABRIEL REYES].
MCCREE: fuckin finally
REYES: @SOLDIER 76 your turn
76: no
REYES: You motherfucker
REYES: Do you want me to go back to typing in bold
REYES: Because I’ll do it
REYES: I got very good at acting evil
SOMBRA: its true he typed all his reports in bold
MCCREE: admit it boss you liked it
REYES: Overwatch was shut down for a reason. I’ll make sure it stays that way.
REYES: See i’m great at it
MCCREE: you were just jumpin for a chance to act dramatic
ANA: you are SUCH a theater kid gabe smh
ANA: anyway @ jackoff change your username back
76: no
ANA: Bitch
REINHARDT: youre just reluctant to change it back because youre afraid of making the same mistakes and removing the protective layer that ‘soldier 76’ has given you would make you vulnerable
76: …
REYES: Damn
76: ffffffuck
TRACER: DO IT OLD MAN!!
76: …
REYES: C’mon, Jack
[SOLDIER 76] changed name to [JACK MORRISON].
REINHARDT: !airhorn
REINHARDT: !airhorn
REINHARDT: !airhorn
MORRISON: you stop that.
joaks
LUCIO: so are you like good now
DOOMFIST: I’ve always been on the correct side.
LUCIO: literally we just went through a whole thing proving you wrong
EFI: what the hell is your problem old man
D.VA: YOU’RE TWELVE YOU SHOULDN’T KNOW THOSE WORDS
EFI: are you telling me you didn’t know what hell was at twelve
D.VA: .
D.VA: well
D.VA: no?
Sombra scowled, rubbing her bleeding cheek across her arm, leaving streaks of red against the ripped fabric.
hahah uhhhh sombra leaves after the final battle and returns to widowmaker & tracer's apt.
mccree and hanzo have a moment
Hanzo sat quietly at the edge of the Watchpoint’s balcony. Rays of light warmed the stone floors and flooded the stony greys with warm oranges and yellows.
“Hanzo, there you are.” Jesse walked to the edge with Hanzo, and took his place next to him. The two sat quietly, comfortable in the silence.
“Genji’s been looking for you.”
“Genji can wait.”
“I don’t understand.” Hanzo said, after a few minutes, cutting through the serene calm of the sunset.
Jesse looked over at Hanzo. “What don’t you understand?”
“I do not… feel clean. I thought that by joining Overwatch, I would redeem myself. But after all we have done, I feel nothing of the redemption Genji spoke of. I am… still lost.”
Jesse stared at Hanzo’s face. The thick and sharp curves, the way his dark black eyes reflected the still waters of Gibraltar’s surrounding ocean. The way Hanzo slouched as he looked at Jesse, confused.
Jesse sighed. “Makes two of us, then.” He held out his hand to Hanzo, to which the other man smiled slightly, and pressed his hand into Jesse’s. It was rough and calloused, but gentle.
Hanzo Shimada’s smile was rare to most.
Not for Jesse.
“After all these years, I still don’t get what boss saw in me. To anybody else, including myself, I was a lost cause.” Jesse looked at Hanzo, directly in the eyes. “I was irredeemable.”
Hanzo’s brow creased. “But you have done so much. Whatever you’ve done in your past, you’ve...”
Jesse grinned.
Hanzo’s eyes widened in surprise. He sighed. “...That makes two of us, then.”
“Love you, sweetpea.”
“Do not call me that.”
“Cinnamon apple?”
“Even worse.”
“Sugar cereal.”
“You're just naming food at this point.”
“I’m hungry, okay!” Jesse protested. “I’d like to see you do better.”
Hanzo raised an eyebrow slyly, a larger smile enveloping his face. He pulled Jesse closer.
“My
dear.”
Jesse’s face, against his will, flushed red. He pulled his hat down, scratching his chin sheepishly. Hanzo leaned backwards, basking in his victory.
“Fine, fine, you got me, sugarplum.”
Hanzo shot a look at Jesse, but a faint smile betrayed his true feelings.
Jesse cracked a crooked grin. “Dragon t-”
“
Absolutely
not.”
Jesse cackled, and Hanzo bemusedly watched the arc of Jesse’s shoulders as he laughed, rising and falling, as natural as the tides.
After another minute, Jesse stretched and began to stand. He lifted one hand towards Hanzo. “Let’s go.”
The two re-entered the Watchpoint, basking in each other’s glow.
A soldier and a nano ghost walk into a room.
Well.
A soldier walks into a room that the nano ghost is already in, as the nano ghost ponders his existence while the soldier does the same.
Jack rubbed his forehead with a gloved hand. “I’m tired, Gabe.”
old gay man
“You know what I want?”
“What?”
“I want a fucking dog. A really big one. Like a golden retriever or something. And I want to retire by the beach and live quietly and all that domestic shit.”
Gabriel went quiet for a moment. His eyes narrowed as he stared at the edge of the ocean. The ebb and flow of the waves set a steady rhythm that the rest of the world followed.
After a moment, he finally spoke.
“Nah.”
“What?”
Gabe cocked his head to the side. “You really think us, the two of us, Jack Morrison and Gabriel Reyes, could retire to the beach with a big fuckin’ d og?” Gabe said, incredulously.
Jack stared at Gabe before he sighed, rubbing one hand across his scarred forehead. The other held his visor, where the red tinted screen reflected the slowly descending sun. “You’ve got a point.”
Gabe scratched his chin, tendrils of smoke curling into the air. “Still… there are a few watchpoints near the beach. And I think Jesse and his boyfriend still have that dog they snuck in.”
“Are you suggesting we team up with those two?”
A brilliant smile shone across Gabe’s face. Rays of warm light haloed around the man. In the light, Jack thought, he looked like the sun. Idly, Jack Morrison wondered how he had managed for so long without Gabe.
Well. In a way, he really hadn’t.
“Hey, someone has to show those kids how to get the job done.” Gabriel shrugged, “Ingrates haven’t got a clue.”
Jack grinned back. “You know, back in my day, we would’ve delivered that payload already.”
“In the snow - uphill both ways!”
“And we liked it!”
“Um. So, I’m sure you’re wondering why I called you here.” Winston coughed awkwardly. Fareeha stood a few feet away from him. She could see, behind Winston and on his screen, the faint text of bulletpoints for, probably, this very speech.
“I’ve been considering the future of Overwatch, and, well, you see…”
“Winston?”
Winston looked up.
“You know, we did just save the world together. You can just tell me whatever this is.” Fareeha smiled.
“Oh, right! Right. So. I was thinking. I’m not exactly… cut out for the position of commander. I have some… planning abilities, but when it comes to a team, it’s… more difficult.”
Fareeha nodded.
“And, well, you showed remarkable leadership abilities in the, um, recent mission, so…” “I’m offering you the position of Strike Commander of the new, official Overwatch. If you want! Of course. I won’t force you to do anything.”
Fareeha blinked.
“...Nobody else wanted this position, right?”
Winston shook his head, “The other members discussed it, and you shown, well, incredible aptitude for leadership, and you have the history and military experience… it was a unanimous vote. I just, um, wanted to ask you. First.”
Fareeha’s face broke into a smile.
here's where everyone would've ended up
Pharah - strike commander
mei, zarya, symm, mercy - reconstruction efforts (dva as well)
dva and lucio - alliances and missions. dva basically freelances between meka and ovw and herself
mccree, tracer, genji, reinhardt, junkers, hanzo - active agents
Doomfist, orisa, efi, sombra - allies
Bastion, widow - chillin
Torb, Jack and gabe - “advisory board”/retirement
“Oh my god. Lucio, please.”
“What?”
Hana lifted a gloved finger, pointing at the new hat perched atop Lucio’s hair.
“
That.
It’s so ugly.”
“What! No, it’s cute!” Lucio turned to Genji, who was staring wistfully at a display case of strawberry cakes. “Genji, the hat’s cute, right?”
Genji looked at Lucio, processing the question. “What? Yes! It’s cute! Who said it’s not?”
“He’s biased!”
Satya cleared her throat, brushing invisible specks of dust off of her new uniform. “May I remind what we are here for?” She looked down at her new communicator. “We are supposed to be discussing Overwatch’s role in reconstruction in five minutes .”
“MEKA won’t mind if we’re a few minutes late, they love me!”
“We are thirty minutes away.”
“Hana, it’s about being a unified team.”
“Genji still looks like a green gaming rig.”
“I can turn blue if I want!”
sombra & widowmaker's not-therapy group where they try to figure out their lives if not Doing Murder/Crimes
Amélie lay on the couch of Emily (no, their apartment) and stared at the television. Some banal program was playing, bright colors flashing across the screen. A character slapped another one across the cheek, and Amélie’s eyes widened slightly in surprise.
What a asinine, banal thing. She thought.
But Amélie liked it anyway.
As another character opened their mouth to speak, the screen went black. Amélie cursed, her eyes snapping to the half-open curtain. The rest of King’s Row’s lights remained steady in the night.
“Sombra.” She hissed.
The air in front of her flashed with purple light as Sombra stepped forward.
“You interrupted my show.” Amélie deadpanned.
Sombra looked behind her in mock surprise, like she hadn’t known exactly what she had done.
“Oh! Sorry, azul . Just needed your attention.”
Amélie rolled her eyes.
“What do you want.”
Sombra tilted her head to one side, grinning. “What, can’t two old pals catch up with another?”
“I…” Sombra bit her lip, long-nailed fingers tapping on her side. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Now. I can’t go back to Dorado.” She pressed one hand to her forehead. “Am I supposed to join Overwatch?”
hint: sombra doesn't and instead does what she wants, except she has a family now. cyber robin hood. that sounds dope as hell
[D.VA] reentered [].
D.VA: hey we’re still using this right
D.VA: like there are still gonna be bad guys
PHARAH: Yeah! Overwatch isn’t disbanded.
PHARAH: Again.
PHARAH: We’ll be using this to continue our efforts for reconstruction and such.
TRACER: yeah the world could always use more bad jokes
LUCIO: i think its supposed to be heroes
TRACER: no its bad jokes i said it i get to decide what it is
TRACER: were going to make shirts its going to say that and thats whats going to be printed on all the shirts
MORRISON: that’s a terrible idea.
TRACER: shut up old man youre supposed to be on vacation with your husband
REYES: We never actually married each other
PHARAH: What are you waiting for then?
REINHARDT: I AM GOING TO BE THE RINGBEARER
ANA: jack im your best woman if you say no i will kill you and you both know im not joking
MORRISON: there is not going to be a wedding we’re both technically still dead
MORRISON: we should probably get that sorted out
REYES: Whatever
REYES: Marriage is a social construct anyway
MEI: oh!
MEI: well
MEI: that makes this a little awkward then…
REYES: What?
MEI: we are
MEI: um
MEI: satya, zarya, and i
MEI: we’re
SYMMETRA: You’re invited.
TRACER: NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D.VA: YEAH!!!!!!!!!
D.VA: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
GENJI: Is swag a role
SYMMETRA: You are no longer invited.
GENJI: WAIT I WAS KIDDING
LUCIO: genji
GENJI: I WAS KIDDING PLEASE LET ME GO
LUCIO: genji.
GENJI: I for one think that sounds swaggy as fuck
MCCREE: genji if you ever say that again ill have to kill you with my bare hands
ANA: (: swag
MCCREE: every day is a living nightmare
what was the context of this joke?? the world will never know because i forgot.
WINSTON changed channel name to [THANK YOU].
BASTION changed channel name to [FUCK YOU STRAIGHT LARRY].
BASTION: ^u^ ~☆
GENJI: Hang on a second
[TRACER] reentered [FUCK YOU STRAIGHT LARRY].
TRACER: GUYS I LOST MY FANCY CROCS AND IM MATCHING MY OUTFITS WITH EMILY AND AME FOR THE WEDDING AND IF MY CROCS ARENT MATCHING THE WHOLE OUTFITS RUINED
TRACER: GUYS
TRACER: THIS IS AN EMERGENCY
TRACER: GUYS!!!!!!!!!
EMILY: Lena
AMÉLIE: Lena.
REYES: You were planning on wearing crocs to a wedding???
WIDOWMAKER: /whisper [HANZO SHIMADA]
WIDOWMAKER: I burned them.
PHARAH: Lena, you said this was an emergency.
TRACER: IT IS!!!
PHARAH: Then why are you in this channel?
PHARAH: What makes you think it’s for emergencies?
i… wanted to write another dnd chapter and had a lot of ideas. i forgot how i was going to end it
BONUS CHAPTER: CRITICAL SHITS II
REYES: Absolutely not.
TRACER: PLEEEEEEEASE
TRACER: CMON COMMANDER
REYES: I am not dming your campaign again
REYES: Remember how the last one ended
ANA: i rolled that 20 fair and square
REYES: You seduced the final boss i had been building up for a year!
ANA: thats just how life is sometimes
REYES: No it’s not
REINHARDT: i will be your dm!
TRACER: really?
REINHARDT: of course!! ive always wanted to give it a go
TRACER: YES!!!!
TRACER: who wants to join
D.VA: me!!
GENJI: Ill play again
LÚCIO: ill join
PHARAH: I’ll play!
REINHARDT: we could use one more player
GENJI: @MCCREE @HANZO Hey asshats play dnd
76: they’re on a mission. remember.
GENJI: Well clearly i didnt
GENJI: So whos really at fault here
76: you
PHARAH: Pretty sure they're at IKEA right now.
PHARAH: Jesse bought a house but forgot to get furniture.
D.VA: it happens to the best of us
TRACER: hey commander why dont you play?
TRACER: you never joined last time
MORRISON: we have a job
MORRISON: that doesn’t involve playing dungeons and dragons
TRACER: youre retired
REYES: Sure we are
REINHARDT: let me find some things and we can get started
REINHARDT: dont forget to make your characters!
REINHARDT: /whisper [REAPER]
REINHARDT: >> gabriel <<
REINHARDT: >> do you think you could help me out for a while <<
REAPER: >> Depends <<
REINHARDT: how about you introduce your characters
[♩] LÚCIO: ill go!
[♩] LÚCIO: im playing as aj
[♩] D.VA: does aj stand for apple juice
[♩] LÚCIO: yeah
[♩] D.VA: WAIT, SERIOUSLY
[♩] LÚCIO: hes a half elf rogue from the city of muraha who left his home after being exiled for a crime he didnt commit
[♩] D.VA: YOU NAMED YOUR CHARACTER APPLE JUICE???
[♩] GENJI: Im playing midira
[♩] D.VA: NO WAIT GO BACK WE NEED TO DISCUSS APPLE JUICE
[♩] GENJI: Theyre a human bard who travels the land helping people
[] PHARAH: Did you forget to write a backstory.
[] GENJI:
[] GENJI: No
[♩] TRACER: my character
[♩] D.VA: do not say sonic
TRACER: is
[♩] D.VA: please
[♩] TRACER: mari
[♩] D.VA: phew
[♩] PHARAH: Good.
[♩] TRACER: mari sauni hejhaug
[♩] D.VA: GO TO JAIL
[♩] TRACER: shes a wandering chef halfling whos on a quest to find the best recipes in the land!!
[♩] LÚCIO: same thing
[♩] PHARAH: My character is Alya Faraday, an aarakocra monk.
[♩] PHARAH: They are a former soldier who abandoned the army and fled her home to do what she thought would actually help others.
[♩] PHARAH: And they have really cool wings.
[♩] REINHARDT: a vital part of any good character
[♩] D.VA: my character’s name is yomi
[♩] D.VA: she’s a tiefling warlock who lived in the underdark
[♩] D.VA: does the underdark exist in this world
[♩] REINHARDT: yes
[♩] D.VA: nice. okay so she’s from the underdark but left after making a pact with death
[♩] REINHARDT: so your character will already know some of the exposition
[♩] D.VA: nice
[♩] REINHARDT: now, let us begin!
REINHARDT [DM]: Our tale begins in Adlersbrunn, where the lord of the castle has called for heroes to come to his aid, and defend him against the mad Dr. Junkenstein.
LUCIO: really stretching the imagination there
REINHARDT: says you
D.VA: what’s the lord’s name?
REINHARDT [DM]: Lord Wiegund.
REINHARDT [DM]: You know of the Lord, as he is perhaps the most well known and beloved man across the entire land.
PHARAH: Hm.
REINHARDT [DM]: He sent out a call for adventurers, and the five of you have answered. You arrive at his castle, towering above you, but not unfriendly. Whether for money, for prestige, or simply for a fight, the Lord cares not. He simply seeks for a solution.
REINHARDT [DM]: The castle is large and imposing, with large banners adorned with the Reid family crest, the lion, unfurled besides the open doors.
D.VA: let’s go!! i'm already inside
PHARAH: I go in.
REINHARDT [DM]: The lord stands in a large circular room. Candles adorn the walls, casting gentle shadows despite the cold and dark night.
GENJI: I roll to eat the candle
LUCIO: its been less than five minutes
REINHARDT: ...roll a constitution saving throw
GENJI: I rolled a three
REINHARDT [DM]: You take two damage.
GENJI: Wait i have a bonus
GENJI: Five
REINHARDT [DM]: Wow! You still take two damage.
D.VA [YOMI]: nice going, dipshit!
GENJI [MIDIRO]: Rude
LÚCIO: but he says it like hes choking so its more like
LÚCIO: Ruuuhhhhchjf
REINHARDT [LORD WIEGAND]: I must thank you for responding to my call.
REINHARDT [LORD WIEGAND]: Many years ago, a man known as Dr. Junkenstein ravaged Adlersbrunn. He had made a deal with the Witch of the Wilds to create life, and sought to destroy us.
REINHARDT [LORD WIEGAND]: Four wanderers defeated him. We thought that would be the last of it, but the Witch of the Wilds does not release her contracts so easily.
GENJI [MIDIRO]: The witch of the what
REINHARDT [DM]: Yomi, you know who she is.
D.VA: i do?
D.VA: i mean
D.VA: yeah, i do!
D.VA: she’s…
REINHARDT: roll history
D.VA: but you just said i knew who she is
REINHARDT: ill give you advantage
D.VA: that’s an EIGHTEEN
D.VA: dnd is easy actually
REINHARDT [DM]: Yomi, you know that the Witch of the Wilds. She appears to the desperate and outcast to give them their heart’s desire… for a price. She is also a high priority target of the Raven Queen, due to her history of meddling with life and death, but has long avoided the Raven Queen’s capture.
D.VA: do these guys know i have a pact with death
REINHARDT: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
PHARAH: How did you make that noise with your mouth.
REINHARDT: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
PHARAH: Okay.
D.VA: i’ll just tell them
D.VA [YOMI]: so, i kind of made a pact with death
TRACER [MARI]: like the death lady?
D.VA [YOMI]: yeah exactly death lady
D.VA [YOMI]: big d
G: Youre actually gonna call her that huh
D.VA [YOMI]: she’s cool with it
D.VA [YOMI]: so i’m trying to hunt the witch of the wilds down
D.VA [YOMI]: bounty hunter style
PHARAH [ALYA]: Makes sense.
GENJI [MIDIRA]: Alright!
D.VA [YOMI]: Just putting that out there.
PHARAH [ALYA]: Okay.
TRACER [MARI]: yknow i feel like that shouldve been a bigger deal
D.VA [YOMI]: why
LUCIO [AJ]: so whats been happening lately?
REINHARDT [LORD WIEGARD]: Near the old castle, there has been sounds of mad laughter and metallic scraping at midnight, before suddenly vanishing as the sun rises.
REINHARDT [LORD WIEGARD]: These were the signs before the last time Dr. Junkenstein appeared, and I don’t wish to put my people into harms’ way as I did before.
TRACER [MARI]: wait so you heard mad laughter and zomnics and didnt think it would be a big deal last time?
REINHARDT [LORD WIEGARD]: That’s just how the doctor was sometimes.
REINHARDT [LORD WIEGARD]: But this time I know something is wrong. Junkenstein should have been slain years ago, by the four wanderers.
TRACER: question
TRACER: are there any snacks in this castle
REINHARDT: there are baby carrots and dip on the table
TRACER: maris eating snacks
GENJI: Midiro also has some snacks
D.VA: trying to wash down the wax i see
REINHARDT [LORD WIEGARD]: I can tell you the tale of Dr. Junkenstein.
GENJI [MIDIRO]: Cool it comes with lore
GENJI [MIDIRO]: Can you tell it to me first so i can do the whole thing in song
D.VA [YOMI]: i dare you
REINHARDT [LORD WIEGARD]: As fun as that would be, we are on a tight shift here.
D.VA [YOMI]: coward
REINHARDT [LORD WIEGARD]: This is your task: find the Witch of the Wilds before she can revive Junkenstein completely, and slay her. I pyomise a great reward should you succeed.
LUCIO: will you stop singing hasselhoff every time we accidentally start saying a song lyric
REINHARDT: this is all fiction of course i wont
LUCIO: knew it was too good to be true
TRACER [MARI]: so you got any clues on where to get started on defeating her?
D.VA [YOMI]: she’s the witch of the wilds, right? so she’s gotta be in the wilds.
LUCIO [AJ]: do you even know how big the wilds are
D.VA [YOMI]: no, we just started this campaign.
REINHARDT: the wilds are big
D.VA: got it
REINHARDT [LORD WIEGARD]: The villagers may have some information on her whereabouts.
REINHARDT [LORD WIEGARD]: The four wanderers would probably have the best idea of what to do, but, they are wanderers. So.
PHARAH: Alya is outside to the village.
PHARAH: But she took some baby carrots.
TRACER: for the road!
PHARAH: For the road.
REINHARDT: add baby carrots to inventory
REINHARDT [DM]: On the outside of town, you can see the faintest outline of light from a window through the trees.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: Candy, anyone?
GENJI [MIDIRO]: Yes
D.VA [YOMI]: yeah okay
PHARAH [ALYA]: What do you know about the Witch of the Wilds?
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: Straight to th -
REINHARDT [DM]: The Alchemist -
ANA: wait
REINHARDT: oh, sorry ana
ANA: no you go ahead
REINHARDT: er
REINHARDT [DM]: The Alchemist sets aside her bowl of treats and stares at the sky, seemingly seeing beyond the horizon.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: Straight to the point, I see.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: I have encountered the Witch twice on my journey. Once, she came to me to offer a replacement for my eye for a price.
GENJI [MIDIRO]: Did you accept?
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: Look me in the eye and ask me again.
GENJI [MIDIRO]: Alright dumb question i get it
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: Another when the four of us fought her in Adlersbrunn.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: Oh, but that was long ago.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: We assumed that Dr. Junkenstein and his monster had long been defeated, but perhaps that was wishful thinking.
TRACER [MARI]: ‘we?’
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: Yes. The soldier, the gunslinger, and the archer, and myself all once fought against Dr. Junkenstein many moons ago.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: Our paths never crossed again.
PHARAH [ALYA]: Oh wow. I wonder who those other three people were. What a mystery.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: Such is the way of travel.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: Do I know you, Mx…
PHARAH: Mom. You don’t have to do this.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: I know not who this “mom” is.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: You can call me Aminah, or, if you prefer, the Alchemist.
PHARAH: Mom.
ANA:
PHARAH: Fff fine.
PHARAH [ALYA]: My name is Alya Faraday.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: A pleasure.
PHARAH: Sure.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: I don’t know where the Witch may be, except that she’s probably in the wilds.
D.VA [YOMI]: that’s what i said!!
PHARAH [ALYA]: It was useless, thanks.
LUCIO [AJ]: do you think we could like
LUCIO [AJ]: lure her somewhere?
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]: Perhaps.
ANA [THE ALCHEMIST]:
MERCY [WITCH OF THE WILDS]: You wanderers have trespassed upon my domain! Pay the price or face the consequences.
REINHARDT [DM]: The witch leans, palms outstretched to the sky. You can feel the crackling arcane energies and the icy breath of the witch against your cheek.
PHARAH: H
TRACER: you useless lesbian
PHARAH: SAYS YOU!
zen - elic'ma thulonkrrk the lich king
symm - chaotic good tiefling bloodcurl smashmouth
Mercy - the witch of the wilds
76 - the soldier
Sombra - the machinator
Ana - the alchemist
genji - elf bard midiro
dva - eladrin sorcerer yomi
LÚCIO - dragonborn rogue aj (apple juice)
tracer - halfling mari
Pharah- alya faraday aarakocra monk
The sky seems to crack open with a burning purple light.
??? [???]:
A figure, perhaps more of a phantom, that bears the faintest resemblance to what may have once been a person, appears in a flash before the world goes black. A voice calls out from the darkness.
SOMBRA [THE MACHINATOR]: Hey there, wanderers.
SOMBRA [THE MACHINATOR]: Fancy a deal?
ZENYATTA [???]: Curses and madness upon you.
GENJI: Wh
GENJI: MASTER
ZENYATTA [???]: I know not of who your “master” may be, but...
ZENYATTA [THULONXHU]: I am Oz’lisma Thulonxhu, a servant of the Great Old One. If you wish to accept me as your master so willingly, I will lead you onto the path of nothingness.
D.VA [YOMI]: sorry, i’m already pacted up with the big r
TRACER [MARI]: the WHO
D.VA [YOMI]: death
D.VA [YOMI]: duh
GENJI [MIDIRO]: Im good, thanks
ZENYATTA [THULONXHU]: Oh, I am well aware of the Raven Queen.
D.VA [YOMI]: ...you know our bosses might have had some issues in the past, but we don’t want any trouble
SOMBRA [THE MACHINATOR]: I’ve seen everything, wanderers. I’ve returned from beyond the shroud and more, of course I know the Witch of the Wilds.
D.VA [YOMI]: you did what
SOMBRA [THE MACHINATOR]: I cheated death fair and square, ask your boss.
D.VA [YOMI]: that's not how cheating works
D.VA: i check my bounty book for her so i can reap her ass
REINHARDT [DM]: Considering you don’t know her name, you cannot check her bounty.
D.VA: fuck my undeath
D.VA [YOMI]: do you know how we can beat her up
D.VA [YOMI]: when i say that i mean. kill her and send her soul to the death plane
SOMBRA [THE MACHINATOR]: Yeah, duh.
D.VA [YOMI]: are you going to tell us?
S: Nope.
TRACER [MARI]: i hate you
s: but, if you do me a little favor, i’ll tell you how to defeat the witch
p: see, when you say that i’m already suspicious
s: a long time ago the witch of the wilds enlisted the reaper
p: reinhardt no offense but that’s a terrible name
r: offense taken!
s: and when she was slain at adlersbrunn, the reaper's spirit was freed.
s: i want you to find the reaper, whatever is left of him, and bring him to me
t: why do you care about him?
s: He owes me a few favors.
PHARAH: I roll bullshit.
r: its called perception
PHARAH: Fifteen.
r: you can tell there’s more
S: what
s: no there isnt
s: the machinator just wants her favors
r: youre playing a character i have created
s: Who is clearly a ripoff of me.
ana: original sombra do not steal
pharah: you're not in this scene
s: and i say that the machinator just wants her favors
r: sombra i want you to roll a one sided die
s: That’s not -
r: do it
s: one??
r: the machinator has more to her tale
s: wh-
r: the one sided die - the dm said so.
s: …
t: you heard him!
REAPER [THE REAPER]: The reaper comes for your souls.
ANA: reaper (reaper)
REAPER: Can you do this in character??? At least??
ANA: im an npc remember reaper (reaper)
REINHARDT [DM]: The Raven Queen bends one feathered claw towards you, beckoning you forward.
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: rq, what’s up
REINHARDT [DM]: She opens the avian esque void where a head would be, and speaks in an ethereal tongue that only you understand.
REINHARDT [DEATH]: what is good.
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: so like
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: i got the witch’s soul
REINHARDT [DEATH]: oh sweet.
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: yeah she really hated dying
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: so uh
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: here you go?
D.VA: i give her the witch of wild’s soul???
REINHARDT [DM]: You plop the soul into the Raven Queen’s hands, to which it convulses in protest. The Raven Queen gives you a thumbs up, vanishing the soul into mist.
D.VA: i also give her a thumbs up
REINHARDT [DEATH]: you have done well, yomi
REINHARDT [DEATH]: you and your sidekickcs
GENJI [MIDIRO]: Hey were not sidekicks!
REINHARDT: you cant understand her genji
D.VA: i make sure to speak in common
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: yeah, they’re really good sidekicks
GENJI [MIDIRO]: Hey were not sidekicks!
REINHARDT [DEATH]: even though the bard is kind of ugly
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: yeah midiro’s super ugly
GENJI [MIDIRO]: HEY
REINHARDT [DEATH]: well
REINHARDT [DEATH]: your task is complete, yomi
REINHARDT [DEATH]: you may return to your post for your next assignment
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: um
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: right
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: ...leaving
TRACER [MARI]: wait, youre leaving?
TRACER [MARI]: but we just finished our first adventure!
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: ...
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: actually, my queen
REINHARDT [DEATH]: oh dont call me that its weird
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: the big d (death)
REINHARDT [DEATH]: there we go
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: i wanted to ask you about that
REINHARDT [DEATH]: yes?
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: i kind of
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: want to keep adventuring with these guys
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: i know it’s unorthodox, but i’m not… going to give up my post or anything. just more of an active presence on the field
REINHARDT [DEATH]: ...i sense your certainty in this decision
D.VA [MUN YOMI]: yeah
REINHARDT [DEATH]: very well.
REINHARDT [DEATH]: yomi, you will serve your post in the land of the living.
REINHARDT [DEATH]: go forth, my reaper
GENJI: Dont you like have to kneel
D.VA: yomi pops a squat in front of death
D.VA [YOMI]: nice
REINHARDT [DM]: Death gives another thumbs up.
REINHARDT [DEATH]: nice
thanks for reading this, sorry i never finished it, i really mean it. it was basically the longest project i ever did and while i do regret not finishing it… i did lose interest in overwatch because of bad writing and lack of lore. also blizzard sucks ass??
anyway, thanks for all your support. i'll be moving on to other projects, i'm currently in my first year at university and have.. a LOT of assignments. but i'll always make time for fan projects and storytelling! (i am in school for illustration… i'm first and foremost a visual artist, despite writing a lot)
but anyway
honestly i'm surprised so many of you guys stuck around. it does mean a lot, and i'm glad i got to bring smiles to everyone who enjoyed this . that's what fanfiction is for, after all, i think.
best of luck
this is arcaneadagio signing off!