Work Text:
Hush now, you’re standing on a landmine.
Hush now, those eyes cannot harm you.
Keep your wits about, don’t let it bring you down.
Bring You Down – Flume (feat. George Maple)
*~*~*~*
Puffs of coloured smoke floated along a hallway to disperse into the streams of sunlight filtering in through smudged and spotted tall windows. The hustle and bustle of Brooklyn was loud and clear in the silent loft.
From beneath a black sofa, a white cat darted out to the depths of the quiet hallway into the room billowing out rainbow smoke. It batted at the air until it caught sight of the human inside then it stopped to stare.
Magnus slid his gaze from the potion he was making over to the tabby cat with an amused raised brow. Habitually, he put a glamour over the cat’s eyes. "Well, hello there, Chairman Meow." He smirked tiredly when it pawed the air in his direction. "Hm, for a stray you sure are feisty. Unfortunately, I can't summon food for you this time."
The cat sat down and started licking itself.
"Stay if you wish." Magnus smiled lightly. He'd find time later on to feel silly about being happy over a cat wanting to spend time with him even if it got nothing in return. Just like Alexander this morning, his mind provided helpfully.
After a good night’s rest, he felt bad for treating the boy so callously last night. What did he expect Alexander to do with his sister injured by demon blood? Of course, the boy went to him. He was a warlock after all and quite possibly, the only warlock Alexander knew. He was just tired and his ordeal with Camille had brought up insecurities and memories he never wanted to remember.
Was he ever enough without his magic?
But without it, what was he but just a demon walking?
He jerked his head to get his bangs out of his eyes and focused back on the potion, swirling it three more times. He snapped his fingers and used up what strength he had gained from his short rests. It gurgled then shined brightly and he brought himself up to his full height in triumph. He picked it up and brought it to his mouth, fully intent on drinking it.
DING!
Magnus sighed in frustration, not bothering to keep up his calm and collected facade. Trying days... Trying days indeed. He was beyond exhausted mentally and now his body was starting to feel weak. Was it so hard for the universe to give him but one peaceful moment? Hasn’t he earned it? He set the potion down and went to answer his door, the cat following him.
With a snap, his magic seeped through his door to reveal the face on the other side. He leaned away almost immediately, pleasant shock coursing through him. He threw his door open with a grand gesture, swaying his body as a bright smile graced his lips.
“Tessa! What a wonderful surprise.” Magnus waved her in, happy to see his old friend. “Come in, come in, make yourself comfortable. Let me just go get my…” He went to retrieve his potion, holding it carefully in his hand as he entered his living room.
Tessa was sat on his faded orange one-seater couch, legs crossed and her head propped on her palm. Her eyes ran over his form and Magnus couldn’t help but look himself over.
Ah. He still hadn’t cleaned himself up. Well. “Apologies, Tessa. I’ve had a busy two days but,” He draped himself on top of his black couch, lounging on it. “You know all about that having been here to watch over me, hm?”
“You look terrible, Magnus.”
Magnus squawked. “I’ll have you know, I still look devastatingly handsome despite how,” He touched his hair and flinched, rubbing his fingers together. “Greasy my hair may be or how, indeed, smudged my make-up is.” He swiped a finger under one of his eyes and it came away with a dark spot.
He sighed dramatically and finally took a swig from his potion while Tessa simply looked on. The drink slid down his throat rather pleasantly and he sighed once more but this time in relief. His body tingled and he instantly felt less tired. “Brilliant.”
Tessa raised a hand, looking quite stern. “Magnus, you’ll end up overexerting yourself if you rely on potions to make yourself feel better.” She tutted. “How did you even make that potion? You’re shaking from exhaustion.”
Magnus looked at his hand accusingly and found that his friend was right. He was shaking. “Oh.” He exclaimed sadly. “I did not notice.” He frowned. “Tessa, I’m shaking.”
“Yes,” Tessa replied patiently. “I told you that. You must rest, Magnus.”
“I have a date tonight.” Magnus continued frowning at his hand. “How am I supposed to go when I’m shaking?” If he was acting a tiny bit childish, he wouldn’t breathe a word of it to anyone.
Tessa stood up. “Go shower, you big baby. I’ll fix you something to eat then you can sleep. I’m sure when nightfall comes, you’ll feel better.”
“I need a potion, Tessa.” Magnus insisted, graciously ignoring his friend's jibe.
“What for?” Tessa asked exasperatedly.
Magnus let his head fall back. “Alexander is coming after his patrol and the restaurants will be closing by then. I’m planning on having a picnic dinner with him by the river.” He lifted his head up to face his friend. “I need magic to set it up.”
“Oh for Angel’s sake.” Tessa groaned. “Fine, I’ll set it up for you. And I will give you that potion but please refrain from using so much magic later on.”
“You’re a lifesaver.” Magnus grinned.
“Yes, now go.” Tessa made a shooing motion. “Take a shower.”
*~*~*~*
Half an hour later, a pajama-clad Magnus Bane stood before the fogged up mirror. His hair was dripping, droplets of water running down his face to seep into the silk of his clothes, and his cat eyes glared back at him. He blinked and when his eyes open, they were brown. Without even thinking about it, he started writing out letters on the glass, clearing out paths. MONSTER was clearly written out and it took him a moment before he waved his hand to clear the mirror completely.
Magnus left the room swiftly, a simmering anger in his gut. He crossed the space to his couch and sank into it with a relieved sigh. He gave Tessa a grateful smile when she handed over a bowl of soup. He lifted the bowl to his lips and took a sip, humming.
“Magnus,” Tessa started, sounding awfully serious. She fidgeted with the seam of her clothes before continuing. “How are you holding up, really?”
All at once, the burdens of the past few days seemed heavier, weighing on his shoulders like a great big boulder. He sighed loudly and tiredly, clenching his fingers around the warm bowl for just a smidgen of comfort. “Not well, Tessa. Alexander… Hm. Ragnor… is dead. And now, Camille.” He ran an agitated hand over his wet hair, making it flop and sprinkle droplets of water everywhere. “Two immortals dead and Valentine’s war has barely begun. Dead at my own hands too.”
“What happened with Camille was… regrettable. But it was self-defense and justified.” Tessa flipped her hair out of her face. “Angel knows that vampire deserved to die decades ago.”
Magnus shrugged. “Even so, she was… once upon a time, very dear to me.” He took another sip of the soup. “What is this? It’s delicious.”
“Are you not over her, Magnus?” Tessa asked gently.
Magnus took a deliberate sip of his soup, trying to finish the contents in one go in order to prolong answering. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure and since she died, there wasn’t any motive left for him to go down into the rabbit hole and explore whether he still felt anything for the bitch.
In the silence, Tessa answered his question. “It’s Halibut soup.”
Magnus nodded, storing the information away in his mind for future reference. “Camille and I… are ancient history.” He drawled. “Whatever I felt for her... Amor verus numquam moritur. I thought she was the one but what we had was not true love. Still, she will always have a place in my heart if only because I loved her dearly for a very long time. After all, betrayal cannot easily destroy what the heart feels. And for that reason, she always had a hold on me.” Magnus shook his body as if trying to eradicate his thoughts. “She is dead. It no longer matters.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
Magnus nodded again and put the bowl away, reaching for the large container holding an assortment of Chinese food. He spotted a soft white bun, fried tulip squares in XO sauce, beef curry and – he sniffed – fragrant jasmine rice. He smiled, lifting up a tulip cube to pop in his mouth.
“And… Ragnor?”
A noise startled out of Magnus and the food container he held slipped out of his grasp to float in the air from his quick reflex. He held it in his hands once more, securely, and turned to his friend. “Ragnor’s death was almost completely my fault. If we hadn’t visited him… Cabbage would still be alive.”
Tessa smiled sadly at the nickname. “Tell me what happened, Magnus.”
And so he did. In excruciating detail whilst trying to remember the memory as detachedly as he could. He looked at his hands forlornly. “I couldn’t save him. What use is my magic if I can’t save those dear to me?”
“Sometimes… death is inevitable.”
Magnus stiffened. “Did you ever…”
“Ever what?” Tessa questioned, her tone still so gentle.
“Ever search for a way to make a mortal immortal.”
“I…”
Magnus waited and waited, silently chowing down his food as he watched his friend slowly sink into her own darkness. He would have stopped it if he didn’t feel the desperate need to hear her answer. Was it all worth it? He had pursued Alexander with a one-track mind unable to step back and think much more than how to get the boy in his grasp. Everything had happened so fast and he needed to keep reacting or the boy would have been lost in the grips of time married to a woman.
Now that it had all settled and he had time to truly think, was the pain after Alexander died worth it after all? He had been so overcome with rage when Camille almost killed Alexander. And though he may not remember what he did in vivid detail, his emotions whenever he dreamt of it were too raw, too real to be merely imagined. To have Alexander truly die...
Amor verus numquam moritur. True love never dies.
If this boy was his true love, he would suffer for eternity, no?
“I thought of it.” Tessa finally answered. “The time I was with Will – well, you know. I was too young, too lost in love. I didn’t know the curse of immortality. I was willing to just be and live happily shrouded in my glamour. Only after he died, did I…” She looked out the window, lost in her thoughts.
“Was it worth it?”
Tessa replied without a pause or flinch. “Yes.”
Magnus reeled for a second. He didn’t know what he expected her to answer after all this time but it certainly wasn’t a one-syllable reply. But something else was bothering him. “And being a – a warlock, did it ever matter?” He met Tessa’s hard eyes when she turned to him.
“You meant to say demon, didn’t you?” Tessa’s grey eyes turned lighter and she went over to sit beside him, caressing his jaw with her soft hand until she cupped his face. “You are not a monster, Magnus. Whatever blood we have in us does not make us who we are.”
Magnus closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. “It changes how others see us.” He whispered.
“Only to those who do not matter.” Tessa tugged him in closer and Magnus could smell her faint flowery scent. “This is about Alexander Lightwood, isn’t it?” She paused as if waiting for an answer but Magnus said nothing. “You ask me, did it ever matter that I was a warlock as well as a Shadowhunter? No.”
Magnus soughed, releasing his thoughts with his exhale. Tessa’s words were no doubt simple but somehow… Somehow her answer was enough for him and when she let go of his face, he was content to just continue eating until he cleaned off all the food she had given him, his strength returning to him slowly.
His heart thudded strongly in his chest, nerves lit a-fire.
Magnus Bane truly hoped Alexander Gideon Lightwood was worth it.
*~*~*~*
The future lies before you,
Like a field of fallen snow.