Chapter Text
Saturday, April 14th
4:22 am: i s2g dude im gonna cut ur dick off & feed it to ladon and ull never get laid again & ur gonna regret EVER BEING BORN & BEG ME FOR FORGIVENESS EVERY DAY UNTIL U DIE
4:31 am: ...what?
4:34 am: dont play innocent with me dickweed i know it was u
4:36 am: I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number.
4:41 am: im not falling for that this time courf u motherfucker
4:42 am: What is a courf?
4:42 am: Never mind.
4:43 am: You have the wrong number.
4:48 am: UR NOT GETTING OUT OF IT THIS TIME. I KNOW WHERE U LIVE. U MAY BE BIGGER THAN ME, BUT ILL HAVE MONTPARNASSE BEAT YOU UP FOR ME. HE STILL OWES ME FOR CHICAGO.
4:51 am: I don't know any Montparnasse or courf or anything about Chicago? You really have the wrong number. Please stop texting me.
4:53 am: LADON IS HUNGRY. FOR UR DICK.
4:54 am: AND NOT IN THE BESTIAL SENSE.
4:54 am: HUNGER. CAT HUNGER.
4:56 am: I'm going to regret asking this, but is your cat named after a Greek guardian dragon?
4:59 am: yes courf weve been over this
5:00 am: ladon. angry cat with the soul of a dragon.
5:02 am: stop distracting me. it will not prevent ur inevitable genital vivisection.
5:05 am: I still don't know what a courf is, but I'm pretty sure I'm not one. My name is Enjolras, and I have no idea who you are? And I need to focus on writing a paper, so if you could please kindly stop texting me, it would be GREATLY APPRECIATED.
5:09 am: i dont think that u have any right to judge courf when ur name is enjolarjajsjwias tbh
5:10 am: is that swedish or somethin
5:12 am: French.
5:15 am: hon hon croissant
5:16 am: That's not funny.
5:19 am: yes it is
5:21 am: I NEED TO WRITE A PAPER SO PLEASE STOP TEXTING ME
5:23 am: u could just stop replying
9:26 am: hows the paper goin
9:32 am: Much better once my phone stopped buzzing
9:34 am: happy to hear it
9:35 am: whats it on
9:39 am: The horror of monarchies
9:40 am: I’d love to elaborate, but my brain is fried. Later?
9:42 am: sounds like fun
9:42 am: that was a lie
9:43 am: it sounds terrible.
9:47 am: Not an academic, then?
9:49 am: HA. never.
9:54 am: Consider yourself lucky.
3:05 pm: have u ever noticed that the word bed is shaped like a bed
3:05 pm: how do u think that happened
3:06 pm: do u think it was intentional
3:08 pm: Hello to you too
3:08 pm: idk dude it seems too coincidental to be a mistake
3:08 pm: like
3:08 pm: that couldnt have just happened right
3:09 pm: what are the chances
3:13 pm: Is this the kind of stuff you think about?
3:16 pm: more fun than trying to topple the monarchy through academia
3:17 pm: Touché.
8:51 pm: Do you mind if I ask who Courf is, and why you planned to remove some of his more… useful body parts?
9:07 pm: courf the shitbag stole my phone when i was drunk & changed all my contact names. for example, my roommate is now king tut, & my ex was renamed voldemort.
9:09 pm: he also changed his phone number in my phone to some random one, so that i couldnt eviscerate him over the phone & since hes bigger than me, well, that was sorta my only option
9:17 pm: I see.
9:19 pm: yeah
9:20 pm: id apologize but ur amusing
9:20 pm: ur aggressive when angry
9:23 pm: Says the one who opened with a threat of castration
9:25 pm: fair point
Sunday, April 15th
12:11 am: so dude. tell me something about urself.
12:15 am: I hardly know you.
12:17 am: yes, thats usually why u tell ppl things about urself. so u can get to know them. see how that works?
12:20 am: besides, i already know some things about u. ur in academia & u hate monarchies & u get cranky when u dont sleep well. u also have some unpronounceable french name that looks swedish or something
12:26 am: You could write my biography already.
12:29 am: it would be easier if u would cooperate
12:33 am: I’m not giving my address to some cellular hooligan I’ve never met.
12:38 am: cellular hooligan? what are u, 300?
12:40 am: ALL HAIL ENJOLARAUHIDSJADS, THE ANTEDILUVIAN ACADEMIC
12:41 am: Hilarious.
12:46 am: i try
12:54 am: I don’t know anything about you, other than that you have a penchant for graphic violence, and a friend who thinks he’s funny.
12:57 am: most ppl call me r
1:00 am: Like the letter?
1:02 am: no, like kelly
1:05 am: Oh?
1:06 am: I don’t understand the reference.
1:09 am: I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYY
1:10 am: yes, r, like the letter. jesus, grandpa.
1:14 am: I see.
1:27 am: now can i have ur address?
1:30 am: Go to bed.
1:37 am: night, grampy. see u in the morning!!!!!!!!!
3:21 pm: 26.
3:39 pm: INCHES?
3:47 pm: Jesus.
3:49 pm: No. Years.
3:56 pm: damn. that couldve been a world record or somethin
4:01 pm: i just googled it. u wouldve been a world record holder.
4:06 pm: what a way to go down in history
4:09 pm: what a way to go down ON history
4:10 pm: heh
4:17 pm: What are you, 14?
4:19 pm: not quite dude, im nowhere near your almost record. flattered tho
4:22 pm: Why do I even bother
4:25 pm: :)
5:57 pm: 23. im 23
Monday, April 16th
11:51 am: how are you on this fine morning
12:11 pm: Ugh.
12:19 pm: i take that back. its not a fine morning, apparently
12:22 pm: It’d be better if someone hadn’t distracted me from writing my paper this weekend, such that I didn’t get to sleep until 2pm the following day.
12:28 pm: thats terrible! who would do such a thing?
12:31 pm: Who indeed…
12:38 pm: i dont know what ur so miserable about tbh
12:39 pm: i consider myself lucky if i get more than 2 hrs a night
12:45 pm: Some of us have commitments during the week.
12:52 pm: i have a job, thank u very much
12:55 pm: A job that lets you text throughout?
1:09 pm: nah, just a boss who isnt terrible
1:21 pm: What do you do?
1:38 pm: im almost solely responsible for the complete intoxication of most of bushwicks starving artists
1:39 pm: including myself
1:44 pm: Almost?
1:52 pm: see aforementioned text abt not entirely terrible boss
1:58 pm: So, you’re a bartender?
2:07 pm: mostly
2:12 pm: Do you take joy in being deliberately ambiguous?
2:18 pm: do u take joy in texting like an old professor OH WAIT
2:25 pm: I’m not a professor. Yet.
2:28 pm: yet.
2:29 pm: now whos being deliberately ambiguous
2:39 pm: I’m a PhD candidate. Still a student.
2:50 pm: ohhhh ur a professional student
2:56 pm: Essentially.
3:03 pm: so how do u have so much time to text
3:05 pm: bars are practically dead until midnight here so i have plenty of time to text uptight grad students with unpronounceable names
3:06 pm: u on the other hand
3:15 pm: I’ll ignore the uptight grad student comment. I’m correcting 1st year poli sci essays. It makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a spatula and feed them to my roommate’s rats.
3:16 pm: so im ur distraction
3:19 pm: Indeed.
3:24 pm: ur taking advantage of my loneliness & great texting skills
3:25 pm: im not sure how i feel about that
3:26 pm: are u cute? im happy to oblige if ur cute
3:31 pm: I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.
3:35 pm: so no selfies then?
5:06 pm: damn
10:16 pm: WHY DO UNDERGRADUATES NOT UNDERSTAND THE BASIC CONCEPT OF LEGITIMATE POLITICAL AUTHORITY
10:18 pm: THIS TRASH - IT IS AN INSULT TO ROUSSEAU’S GOOD NAME.
10:43 pm: well in their defense, they were probably all drunk when they wrote those essays
10:45 pm: i dont think i wrote a single essay sober during my entire college career
10:57 pm: ROUSSEAU DESERVES BETTER.
11:01 pm: jesus christ do u have a massive boner for this guy or what
11:08 pm: There’s no need to be crude. I find that Rousseau’s idea of the social contract is a key concept to understanding the idea of legitimate political authority, and it was integral in establishing political reform all over Europe, particularly in abolishing the monarchy.
11:11 pm: im sorry i asked
Tuesday, April 17th
3:24 am: hey
3:25 am: heyh eey hrey eyyehyeh enjyaposjas
3:27 am: enjoalsd;msdr
3:28 am: enjoaslrasrasrj
3:28 am: enjy
3:29 am: ENJY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3:32 am: urr lixky i rhink intellgwnxe is hoy
3:32 am: hoy
3:33 am: HOY
3:34 am: HOT
3:39 am: TA;K PILILITICAAAL SUTHOERITY 2 ME BASBYYY
3:41 am: LOBE MR SOMME ROUUOSZZZEAU
3:47 am: gd nifhgt
7:12 am: Jesus.
7:13 am: Please drink some water when you get this. You’ll probably need it.
1:44 pm: R?
6:17 pm: Please still be alive.
8:58 pm: I’d grown accustomed to your… idiosyncratic text messages. My day was rather dull without them.
11:31 pm: Please text me back. I’m starting to worry.
Wednesday, April 18th
10:06 am: Alright. Since in reality, I know very little about you, my worry is, well, worrying. I’m just going to pretend that you’ve grown tired of texting unknown graduate students, and have simply decided to ignore me. That’s fine too.
10:39 am: Please have a lovely day. And life.
10:44 pm: That wasn’t meant to be passive-aggressive, I swear.
7:09 pm: DAMMIT R EVEN IF YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW ME WOULD YOU PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU’RE ALIVE BECAUSE I’M ACTUALLY WORRIED JUST PLEASE TEXT ME BACK WHEN YOU GET THIS THANK YOU IN ADVANCE