Work Text:
Rick’s words left the group in silence. Carl cried into the cloth of his mother’s coat, his mind replaying vividly all the violence and death of the last events, all the pain and death he caused. He raised his head from his mother’s shoulder, looking around seeking reprieve from his own thoughts. No one was paying attention to his tears, all of them torn from Rick’s speech, secretly trying to choose the best option to stay alive. Carl could see it in their eyes.
His dad’s confession hit the group hard. The confession also hurt Carl. Why did his dad do it? If his dad hadn’t killed Shane Carl wouldn’t have had to put a bullet through the head of someone he loved and had saved his life. This thought was suffocating him.
He was a kid, but he had shot down Shane, he killed Dale, could the group see it in his eyes as well?…did they even care? He felt wrong, out of place, detached of all those people around the fire. Suddenly it was all too much, nausea growing inside of him. He needed to get out of there.
He let go of his mom “I-I need to go to the bathroom” he said a little louder and more desperate than he wanted to.
“I’ll go with you” Lori didn’t want to let him out of her sight.
“Mom!” Carl protested.
“You will not go alone”, Lori wouldn’t back down on that.
“If you want I can go with him” Glenn offered, always willing to help and not really knowing what to do with himself after all that had happened. Carl and Lori looked at the man and then at each other in silent agreement.
“Thank you Glenn” Lori said.
“Yeah, thank you” mumbled Carl as he rushed to his feet. He couldn’t get away from the camp fast enough.
They walked a bit into the woods, Carl continued to feel like he needed to get away. “You can stay here Glenn. I can’t, you know, go with you by my side” the boy lied sounding a bit more nervous than he wanted.
“But your mom…” After all they’ve been through the man didn’t want to have to deal with a mad Lori right now.
“I know, but I won’t go far, I promise” the boy all but pleaded.
“Do you have a gun with you?” if Glenn was to let Carl go anywhere it would be armed.
“Y-yeah” his voice was shaky, he hoped Glenn would dismiss it as cold.
“Ok. If you hear or see anything you call me, ok? I’ll be right here”. Glenn wasn’t stupid, he could see the kid was falling apart, but he didn’t know what to say to make it better, so he did the only thing he could: he gave the kid a bit of privacy.
Carl almost ran, and as soon as he felt he was far enough so Glenn wouldn’t hear him, he hid behind a tree, fell to his knees and let go of the content of his stomach. He wiped his mouth with an unsteady hand.
What was he supposed to do now? After everything he saw and heard, everything he done. How was he supposed to just keep going?
The small boy looked around to the dark woods, he didn’t feel safe… like back when his dad and Shane were friends and took care of the group. He doubt he would ever feel safe like that again. Now the image of Shane’s contorted lifeless face while walkers surrounded them was imprinted in his brain.
Suddenly Carl thought he heard something, he didn’t know if it was his mind playing tricks on him or a walker wondering near in the darkness.
He started gulping air, it was like it wasn’t enough to feel his lungs. Fresh tears streaming down his face. Memories of all the people he saw ripped to pieces, eaten flooding his mind. “I don’t wanna die like that, I don’t wanna die like that…” he chanted to himself in a broken voice.
‘Do you have a gun with you?’ Glenn’s question echoed on his mind. The boy immediately reached for the gun needing two hands to keep it steady. He tried to calm his breath to be able to hear. He looked at his gun, his knuckles white clutching it. He hated the thing…but knew the weapon could mean the survival of people he loved.
‘No more kid stuff’ those were his father’s words. He knew what it meant now. It meant that he didn’t get to hide behind others anymore. It meant that no matter how much he hated that weapon and what he did because of it and with it, he would have to pull that trigger again and again to keep his loved ones alive.
“Carl?” the boy heard Glenn’s voice near. He immediately wiped the tear tracks off his face and walked towards the man.
Seeing the gun in the boy’s hand he asked “Is everything ok?”
Carl wouldn’t meet Glenn’s eyes, he didn’t want the man to see how shaken he was.
“Yeah…I just thought I heard something…not sure” Carl admitted.
“Saw anything?” he asked searching the darkness.
“I-I don’t think so” Carl remembered how at first he didn’t see the herd and then it was all around them back in the farm. The boy looked around nervously.
“We better get back to camp” the man was a bit on the edge himself.
As they went back Carl saw all the women and Hershel getting ready to sleep as it had been decided that his father and T-dog were to take first watch. His mother looked at him expecting him to lay down next to her. So Carl did it, telling his mom he was cold to explain his trembling, he closed his eyes wishing he was in another place, another time. It wasn’t long before he fell asleep.
Even if he was afraid Carl was too exhausted to fight sleep, but that didn’t mean he would get to fully rest. Camp fell silent and few hours went by until the boy started screaming himself awake from a nightmare. He was startled by Lori’s hand muffling the sound of his scream to not attract walkers. Few heads turned on the camp, most of them too tired to say or do anything.
“It’s okay baby, I’m here” she whispered in his ear. The boy let himself be calmed down by his mother’s whispered words as he shakily lied back down on the ground.
Lori looked at her boy, trying to find the right words to ease the pain she knew he was going through.
“I can’t pretend to know what you are going through, what is like shooting someone you love” she spoke so only the boy could hear. Carl looked away, but she saw as fresh tears fell down his cheeks. “But if Shane could choose his fate… between being a walker or having it all end by your hand… he would choose someone who loved him to finish it and he would be proud of your strength for doing it”.
‘She got it wrong’ Carl thought to himself. ‘It doesn’t take strength. It takes fear.’ When Carl pulled the trigger he wasn’t thinking of what Shane would want. He loved Shane, there was no doubt, but he was scared for his dad’s life, for his own life, he was scared of what happened to Dale happening again. He felt a deep, deep terror and that, at that moment, made him tear his heart apart and pull the trigger.
Sleep did not come back easy and they lay like that for a long time. Eventually Carl broke the silence.
“Why?” the word came out as a whisper, but he continued “Why dad killed Shane?”, Carl knew the answer would change nothing, he was the one that put a bullet through Shane’s brain ending it all. But he wanted to understand.
Lori looked at her son, he already knew so much death, cruelty and desperation in his young life. That was the moment Lori understood that Carl wouldn’t get to be a child. Carl did something she thought she would never be able to do herself. So she looked at her soon, grief heavy in her hart.
“Rick killed him because Shane would have killed your dad if he had the chance” Lori touched her child’s hair, still so soft, “He killed him so our family could survive” as she spoke the thought dawned on her. She had made it so Shane had to die for them to move on. Shane’s blood was also in her hands. Now, this burden was something Rick, Carl and her had to live with. If it would destroy them or make them stronger time would tell.
“Carl…you did what you had to, what needed to be done” laying in the cold ground the boy still looked so small to her “That’s what a man is supposed to do”
His mom’s words brought back the vision of Dale’s bloody corpse. He didn’t fight it. He would let all the memories, almost losing his father, Sophia’s death, putting down Shane, all of them and their weight become a part of him. His mom’s voice burning in his head ‘That’s what a man is supposed to do’.