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Lucius’ Log: The Diary of Edward “Blackbeard” Teach By Lucius Spriggs, Chronicler of Madness and Maker of Ed Look Smarter Than He Actually Is (Unfortunately)
Right, so we’ve all barely survived another day on this floating asylum. Stede’s still recovering from his little “oops, I got stabbed” incident, and Ed has decided that it’s my job to “ capture the essence of the day. ” Bigger words than I thought he knew. No pressure, of course. If I don’t make it sound epic enough, he might toss my quills overboard. Or worse. I wanted to ask what the worse would be but I took one look at his face and decided that discretion is the better part of valour.
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Day ???
8:00 AM – Stede’s up, still looking like death warmed over. Dreamy git kept rambling about his old life in his sleep. Something about “wealth” and “arranged marriage” and a “painting hobby.” Honestly, sounds like the worst kind of hell. Can’t imagine waking up every day and not being a pirate. The fact that Ed is actively listening to Stede's nightmares says volumes. Mostly about how whipped he is already.
9.17 AM – Stede didn’t know I was Blackbeard. Which felt nice, ya know? Someone wanted to spend some time with me not Blackbeard. And he's nice to spend time with...all shoulder’s and hands and... No, shut it. I can make you walk the fucking plank. Touchy, or given his temper, no touchy touchy has happened. Come on, Stede give it up before he kills us from his blue balls.
10.20 AM – Spanish ships are back. Bloody persistent, those lads. We’re outgunned, outnumbered, and the crew’s already talking about how they want their funerals to look. As if the Spanish will leave us in one piece. What? And drop off our corpses for burial, these guys, I tell you? What? Someone asked if I wanted mine “sea-themed.” Told them to shut their traps and focus. If I wanted to die, I’d do it on my own bloody terms, not theirs. And all the while, Izzy spent the entire time glaring at me like I’d personally invited the Spanish over for a quick bite to eat. Which, obviously, I would never, they don't have dinner till so late in Spain. Takes up so much good drinking time. So to pay him back I hung all his socks from the yard arm and told him a dolphin took them. Fun fact: Izzy’s terrified of all sea creatures. A cabin boy handed him a lobster years ago, and he screamed so loud the whole crew thought we’d been boarded. I laughed so hard I was nearly sick. Honestly, I’d pay to see that. Well done.
11:15 AM – Stede and I had a little chat. I don’t know why, but he’s fascinating. Told him we should form an alliance: I teach him to be a proper pirate, and he teaches me to be a fancy gentleman. He agreed, probably because he’s desperate not to die, but you never know. Bonus: his wardrobe is fantastic. Silks, velvets, cravats, all really comfy —I’ve already claimed half of it. Told him it’s a pirate tax. Also, the way he holds his teacup with his little finger sticking out? It’s ridiculous. And kind of cute. Not that I think he’s cute. Shut up, Lucius, don’t write that. Denial is not just a river in... wherever it is. Geography was never my strong point.
7.02 PM – Crew’s morale is rock bottom. Told them we’d all just jump overboard before the Spanish catch us. Meant it as a joke, oh, but Frenchie took it seriously and started tying stuff together to make something he called a life jacket, can you believe that, mad as a box of frogs, to practice. Had to tell him to stop. It’ll never work. Bloody, fucking, idiot. Izzy started muttering something about “real leadership,” so I casually suggested he demonstrate by swimming out to the Spanish ships to negotiate peace. That shut him up. Temporarily. He’s probably plotting your downfall as we speak, if everyone finds out that your lying about escaping the Spanish then he might not be the only one.
9.34 PM – Had a bit of a moment with Stede in his quarters. He’s got this painting of a lighthouse—proper fancy stuff. Mentioned I avoid lighthouses because they’re bad news, what with the crashing and all. Then it hit us: if the Spanish think we’re near a lighthouse, they’ll steer clear. Brilliant plan, I am a tactical genius if I do say so myself. Also, he looked so bloody earnest when he suggested it, like a kid showing off their first drawing. Almost kissed him on the spot..In a friendly, well done way, obviously. Ew. And also, aww. But mostly ew.
11:30 PM – Plan worked. Made the Spanish think they were about to smash into some rocks. They turned tail and ran. The crew’s all cheering, calling me a genius. Told them to quiet down before I start charging them for breathing my air. Caught Stede beaming at me like I’d hung the moon. I don’t know what it is about him, but he makes me feel like maybe I have hung the moon. Shut up, Lucius. I didn’t say anything. Yet .
00.11 AM – Had a chat with Izzy. Told him I’m sick of all this piracy nonsense. Time to retire. Hand over the crew. Told him my master plan: make the world think I’m dead, simple, right? He looked like he wanted to argue, or is that just his face, but honestly, who’s going to tell me I can’t fake my own death? No one, that’s who. Also, I left an octopus in his coat pocket earlier. If he hasn’t found it yet, it’ll be the highlight of my day. And yet you call me dramatic.
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Lucius' Note ( 00.42AM): Ed thinks this is some grand master plan, but let’s be real—he’s just bored and likes playing dress-up with Stede. Mark my words, this “retirement” thing is going to spiral out of control. Also, Izzy might actually explode when he finds that octopus. I’m so rooting for the octopus.