Work Text:
It was a gracious Sunday evening. The sun was already gone due to daylight savings being an ass fucker. But, everyone was happy despite the early nightening. Sidney Patrick Crosby, Captain of the Pissburgh Penguins—Pissburgh due to their shut out in Jersey and the loss to the “Ravens”. His lovely, gracious, wife Geno was also there helping with catering and stuff.
Sidney Patrick Crosby had invited his elites over for his little Gay Christmas party. Cause he’s Gay. He invited Kris Letang, and his ex ex lover, Fluery. Sidney Patrick Crosby also invited his by extension son, Quinn Hughes, along with Quinn’s top lovers from his harem; Thatcher Demko, Brock Boeser, and J.T. Miller. Alongside his other son, who had been abducted from him, Jake Guentzel. And, his recently adopted, Macklin Celebrini. Macklin had forced Sidney Patrick Crosby to let him bring over his codependent, separation anxiety, tranny teammate he calls his boyfriend. Sadly, Sidney Patrick Crosby knows how it is to be so deeply in love that it’s pathetic, so he allows Macklin to bring a plus 1.
As the party begins to bustle and hustle, they all feel a lingering withdraw rise within.
Sidney Patrick Crosby walked around, checking up on his wonderful guests, and their interesting longing stares at their partners. Except for Jake Guentzel, but we all love a single pringle.
Sidney Patrick Crosby noticed how Lezang and Fluery gave each other bedroom eyes…gross, get a room, but reasonable since it was so damn dark outside. Guess daylight savings aint the only one fucking ass.
And there was macklin and his pathetic boy Nearby, just watching something on some screen. What is up with these ipad kids nowadays? Be real men and go fuck eachother or something … or go outside, however the saying goes.
Sidney Patrick Crosby passed by hos beautiful tall wife, who seemed pissed at seeing their (adopted?) son get rizzy on rizzmas. No one told bro they were old enough for boyfriends. Especially the pimp they had spread out on their coach, a bitch on either side. Could’ve sworn one of them had a wife and kids…
Dinner was smelling great, Sidney Patrick Crosby was admiring his surroundings, seeing family (?) brought together was the best feeling an old canadian could have. The tree was bright with color, the fireplace roasting gently while pictures of maria lemieux fueled the dancing flames, and a smell of burning tree. Wait, burning tree? The tree was pine…who was smoking sidney patrick crosby"s secret stash???
Sidney Patrick Crosby waltzed over to his gorgeous wife, frantic and shaking! Everyone thinks Sidney Patrick Crosby is too pussy to smoke weed, and honestly??? That’s a better rumor than him taking it up the ass and getting pregnant. Or laying eggs. If that reputation of being a virgin with drugs was upheld, then at least he could hang on to the smallest, slimmest, drop of dignity that he barely had left.
“Geno!” Sidney Patrick Crosby whisper shouted with fear, “Someone is smoking our hoo hoo stash!!”
“Uhhh, are you sure? Everyone is here…. I think” Geno replies, taking a glance at the crowd, being PDA obsessed faggots.
Sidney Patrick Crosby joins his wife in looking over his guests, but to a grander extent, like he was a starving Canadian searching for a drop of maple syrup. He notices that EVERYONE is in the room. Fucking faggots, too busy fingering each other under the table to enjoy the real world…. at least they kept outta Sidney Patrick Crosbys lettuce.
“Huh,” Sidney Patrick Crosby says aloud, “Everyone’s…. here.”
Then, like clockwork, Sidney Patrick Crosby’s spider senses kick in. He feels his innards quake, sadly not from pay gorn. It was the kind of shaking he felt when he knew a dirty, gross, disgusting, canaving, juvenile, out-right and straight-up out of an horror movie Philadelphian was near. Sadly, it was one of the worst kinds.
“He’s right behind me isn’t he?” Sidney Patrick Crosby asks as he slowly and fearfully turns. And he’s met with Gritty smoking a big fat blunt.
Gritty just held up a huge ass boombox, which blasted some sappy song that sang out
“Take me back!”
Or some gay shit like that.
“Where the ice huzz at?”
The noise came from Grittys scary ass face which stared the captain of the pissburgh pengoons ice hockey team, sidney patrick crosby.
“Whats this orange fuck doing here?” Keis letang shouted out, just pushing fleury away with a “dont rush me” attitude.
”where the hell did bro get weed?” Quinnifer interrupted , just prioritizing the big ass blunt the creepy ass walking mascot had. That got many of the other players attention, all of the other withdrawn players immediately shot up to stare at gritty.
Sidney Patrick Crosby just recognized his pot due to the pink edible glitter sprinkled into it.
“How did you even find my stash in the first place??” Sidney Patrick Crosby questioned.
“Bruuu, type shit. Put the fries in the bagggg.” Gritty said with an eye roll, “I ain’t even here for your faggy ass, OR your christShit party, OR those lame asses sucking face in the back. I’m here for my huzz ong”
“I"m employed, what does this mean?” Jake Guentzal spoke up from somewhere…hes lonely. He just got a cushion to the face from kris letang.
“We aren’t sucking face, eh!” Macklin Celebrini corrects loudly, head tilted to get a full look at this ugly ass orange ogre.
“Bruuu, you legit got bro full throttled on yo lap and shit.” Gritty somehow made his face the 😭 face while saying before returning to his crack addicted self, “PLEASE keep yo bed life to yo selfff.”
“Back to my weed….” Sidney Patrick Crosby interveins, being done with talkin about these queers. “Where did you find. MY. stash????”
“It was the last of what the huzz gave to me…. i’m smoking it to attract him. Anyway...” Gritty smirked, pulling the pose 28 in the same way a peacock spreads its wings to get the attention of female birds. “Where’s my hug at??? Huzzz!!!!”
“Iceberg isn’t here….” Fleury spoke quietly, too fucking old for this shit.
“Who invited this super senior ass bru…” J THC Miller said, just occupied with rubbing his sugar daddies shoulder.
“Where the fuck is iceberg though…” kris letang asked, his hand around fleury even after that hard shove fluery had endured earlier, leaving poor fleury with a wonkier smile than usual.
“Maybe the weed was the friends and teammates we made along the way…” brock boso commented, just trying to impress his chuzz (captain huzz…)
“Brother—er, not brother. You’re my opp not my bro.” Sidney Patrick Crosby quickly corrected, “Gimme the weed back and MAYBE maybe I’ll hint to where iceberg is….”
“Icebergs here?” Everyone asked in unison.
Sidney Patrick Crosby whispered to the crowd, “No. I’m just saying so this FREAK can go join hands with diddy or something.”
Gritty growleded and growlsome growl. “You best not be lying…” he said slowly giving the million pounds of weed to Sidney Patrick Crosby back, “Do NOT mess with my gang….”
“What gang???” Geno asked, not caring at all cause fuck philly.
“Little Jim Bob…. And worst of all…….
Sean.” Gritty replied.
“Bro who the fuck is sean 😭” Will Smith asked outta nowhere. Who the fuck let bro speak?
“That was funny as hell…imma follow you home🔥” macklin celebrini shamelessly flirted with his boyfriend … ew, gagging emojis, get these homos outta here.
“Ong who added these butt fuckers 😭” Sean asks, appearing outta no where.
“Bru everyone here gets fucked in the ass you late to the party😭😭😭😭😭” Thatcher Demko replied mindlessly due to being too focused on his chuzz.
“Literally. Got plenty hoes hopping on me.” Quinn lied, but no one wanted to question him…he had three bodyguards to protect his short ass anyways.
“Mods…ban this guy.” Kris said in an annoying voice, just earning himself a few glares from everyone, including sidney patrick crosby…how the fuck does one manage this.
“…anyways. Icebergs somewhere outside. Totes.” Fluery pointed outside, a charming smile on his face. A trustable guy…for someone who wasnt even on the team anymore…flying skibidis they claimed…
“Oh word??? Sean…lets roll.” Gritty picked up his heavy ass boombox that may or may not be broken due to the repetition of the words “take me back”…hockey aint paying well apparently.
Now all that laid in the apartment was many many weeds.
“Can I be honest?” Macklin asked aloud, “I didn’t think you smoked weed.”
“Little boy i don’t think you should even KNOW what weed is….” Kris letang murmured, envious of macklin’s perfect love life while Kris had to be in a brokeback mountain relationship.
“Well… My reputation was saved up until now but… there’s no going back i suppose…..” sidney patrick crosby said sadly
“We could all smoke it. Like all of it. Get rid of all the evidence,” J THC Miller suggested
“Wait…. everyone here smokes weed???” Sidney Patrick Crosby said in disbelief.
“Dude i’m high half the time of course everyone here does weed.” Quinn said
They all just looked at eachother, many in disbelief of some people smoking weed.
“So…” geno spoke, “who wants forever weed brownies?”
The festivities were just uplifted once agin before gritty and sean had ruined it, those stinky Philly party poopers.
Whoever claimed philly folks were the life of the party lied, let that be a lesson.
“Meeee!” Will smith raised his hand, his voice high pitched.
In the matter of seconds, Geno had a forever weed brownie baked and ready to go. Will happily ate the entire thing, too dimwitted and fucking stupid to realize how heavy it was. In the matter of seconds he was like a melted popsicle, limbs felt as if made of lead as he was high as balls.
“Oh shiiiyyyt…” He murmured, voice slurred. “I feel… I feel everything…,”
“What did yall do to my bf, eh???” Macklin asked, fine with Will’s body crushing him but like… it was pathetic bro get yo ass up yk? “He’s only two apples tall.”
“Girl get your ass up, omfg, that man is dragging you down ho.” Kris said to the younger guy, as if kris wasnt ignoring the look fluery was giving him.
“I want you.” Fluery mumbled, kris just shoved a weed brownie into poor flowers mouth…its tough out here fr.
Sidney patrick crosby was enjoying his wifes amazing baking, he knew he could rely on his hot trophy wife to work his magic with his weed💕
Quinnifer and his harem on the other hand…
Quinn was just being fed by his boyfriends like a god(?) would get fed grapes in the old times. Who allowed this man to get into this kind of powerful role? maybe, due to the fact that he’s always so sad he borders on killing himself.
Everyone was higher than kites, all enjoying it in other ways; feeling relaxed, babbling nonsense, and of course! Dryhumping like the last gays on earth!
The end