Chapter Text
The mirage i created,
is disappearing
The masks i have worn,
is now cracking
The tears i have hidden,
is now falling
Love planned most of their trip to South Korea, including everything Milk wanted to experience. Their excitement was palpable as they looked forward to spending time in a foreign land, navigating a different language, and being surrounded by people who didn’t know them. This allowed them the freedom to explore, discover new things, and embark on new adventures.
In addition to planning the trip, Love also sought to create an environment that would make Milk comfortable enough to open up—convincing her that she would never leave her. Over the past month, Love had come to understand Milk’s struggles, and much like Milk, who quietly loved her in silence, Love tried to reassure her without words. Whenever Milk needed support, Love would hold her hand, and often, she would take the initiative to do so when she sensed Milk succumbing to her fears. Love was attentive, holding Milk tight and releasing her grip slowly to give Milk a few more precious moments of comfort. She looked at Milk with tenderness and care, as if she held the answers to all of life’s secrets.
This trip was Love’s way of encouraging Milk to confront her feelings and an opportunity for Love to offer reassurance that she would never, could never leave. The trip was going wonderfully; they were enjoying new experiences, adapting to the different weather, and savoring a variety of foods. Love felt elated to share all of this with her P'Milk, and together they went shopping, tried many dishes, and visited several famous places, accumulating beautiful memories along the way. Love was hesitant to share these experiences with anyone else; she wanted to keep this carefree, happy, and open version of P'Milk to herself. She was delighted that she had decided to take this trip. Milk radiated joy, resembling a fluffy puppy, her happiness infectious enough to help Love let go of her own rigid anxieties.
On the last day of their trip, after spending the entire day out, they returned to their hotel room to rest before their early flight home the next day. Milk sat at the small table by the window, lost in thought as she gazed over the city. Love wanted to give her space but also didn’t want Milk to be alone with her thoughts; she decided it was time to confront Milk about what was going on.
"P'Miw,” Love called. Milk turns around to see Love sitting on their shared bed, cross-legged. She could sense something strange and unfamiliar in the way Love called and smiled at her. “N’Love, what’s wrong?” Milk couldn’t help but worry. Love giggled softly, “Come here, Phi”. Milk would never deny any request from Love, she gets up and walks towards their shared bed and sits beside her, leaning on the headboard. Love shifts, positioning herself right in front of Milk, with their knees touching. She takes Milk’s hands and intertwines their fingers. Milk smiles noticing the difference in the size of their hands, and how Love’s hand is small compared to hers. Milk looks at Love, who was smiling so tenderly at her. "N'Love," she says in a voice barely above a whisper, afraid of speaking loudly to break this moment.
"P'Milk,” Love says in the same tone, her expressions soft, “Don’t be afraid.” Milk is confused about what Love is talking about; she doesn’t know what she has to be afraid of. She wonders what is happening, and why is Love looking at her like she knows something that she shouldn’t.
“Don’t be afraid; I am not going anywhere,” Love says, a promise hidden behind the words.
The realization comes slowly for Milk.
It starts at the bottom of her stomach; her insides clench painfully. It creeps up to her lungs; she almost stops breathing. It seizes her heart, and it breathes unevenly. It dwells in her mind; she stops thinking altogether, her lips part in shock, an attempt to drag in the air. And then, all at once everything stops for Milk; she once again feels terrified and alone. Defeat speaks like a wildfire in her veins, her eyes start to burn, and she turns her head away from Love, refusing to show the part of her that she was hiding for so long.
“P’Milk” Love calls again; Milk was adamant in her denial to speak, a futile attempt to delay the inevitable.
“Phi, please look at me.” Love turns Milk to face her, but she refuses to open her eyes. She has been afraid of this moment for so long that she can’t convince herself to be brave enough to look at Love and watch her walk away, despite all the promises.
“Phi, please look at me." Love pleads again. Milk could hear the sadness in her tone and feel her hands tremble, which were now holding her face. Anger burns her inside and out, she hates how love has caused this kind of devastation to one person she never wanted to hurt. She snaps her eyes open, staring right back at Love’s red-rimmed eyes. She exhales and rushes the words out that she never dared to say.
“I am in love with you.” Milk manages to say between her quiet sobs, “I am so in love with you. I am sorry.”
Love kind of forgets how to breathe; it’s one thing to realize, another thing to hear it, especially Milk telling in her own words. Love knows that he is going to dream about this moment; she will never forget how Milk rips herself open, giving up, how she cries like nothing Love has ever seen, and the way she told that she is in love with her, like that’s the only truth that matters when there is nothing left to hide anymore.
“I am sorry Love. I am so sorry.”. Love feels nothing but pain and affection, as she sees how Milk tries to tuck her long legs to her chest, curling herself to make herself small. Love realizes how much Milk has been hiding, and how much she has been trying to not say, and she hates that ‘sorry’ is one of them.
Love gathers Milk up in her arms, dragging her to her chest and wrapping her arms around her. Her heart breaks at the way Milk’s head falls against her neck like there is no strength left in her, the way Milk curls into herself like she believes that she doesn’t deserve space. Milk clutches onto Love’s clothes as if it’s the only thing keeping her together as she falls apart.
Love hates how her body isn’t big enough to curl around Milk, to protect her from everything that hurts, to tell her that she isn’t leaving. Instead, she holds them together in an attempt to bypass skin and bones and hold and soothe Milk's heart.
“I am sorry”, Milk continues to whisper. Love can’t take it anymore, so she cuts off another round of apologies,” P’Milk stop. Don’t apologize.” Love could feel herself breaking apart and start crying, but she refrained, this moment was for Milk to take.
“It’s okay Phi, stop now” Love attempts to calm down Milk, she doesn’t think that she has any more strength left to be able to see her P’MIlk in this state, her P’Milk who has always supported her, her P’Milk who is always brave, her P’Milk who is always so strong. “You have nothing to apologize for. Please don’t apologize for falling in love- don’t apologize for loving me.”
Milk shudders, “I couldn’t help it. I tried not to. I love you” Milk says out loud knowing that she doesn’t have to hide anymore. “I know” Love responds. This confirmation both breaks and builds Milk. Love can almost feel, how Milk stips down her right heart in her arms. For the first time, Milk doesn’t make up excuses, or any flimsy lies, she is her true honest self.
“Do you need to leave?” Milk asks. Love could never fathom, where Milk’s strength comes from, she hears all the unsaid pleas and understanding if Love decides to leave, but Love would never. “This is where I am the happiest and safest, why would I leave?” Love says with a conviction that could move mountains, she asserts her certainty, making sure Milk hears and feels how much Love wants to stay.
Milk finally moves away, and sits up facing Love. Love almost chases after Milk hating the space between them, as if Milk is putting a whole universe between them. “Let me be honest Phi, I have known this for quite some time, I am sorry that you felt that you needed to hide, I am sorry that I didn’t notice sooner, I am sorry that I didn’t do a good job assuring you that I would never leave.”
Love feels how Milk holds her hand, tracing circles on her palms, she marvels how despite being in such a devastating state Milk manages to worry about her and tries to calm her down.
“You have nothing to apologize for, N’Love. None of this is your fault,” Milk said softly, using a voice she reserved only for Love. Overwhelmed with emotion, Love stepped forward and embraced Milk, unable to bear the thought of being apart from her. “Let me be there for you tonight. I don’t want you to feel lonely.” Milk nodded in response.
Love held Milk tightly as they settled down to sleep. She wished this moment could last forever—holding Milk and feeling her openness. Her thoughts wandered to what awaited her back home, where work would soon overwhelm her. Would she have the chance to hold Milk like this again, safe and free, without pretense?
The next morning, they both woke up early to prepare for their flight back. A noticeable change had taken place between them: Milk was now free of secrets, looking and feeling liberated, while Love embraced the knowledge of being loved. She let go of the rigidity she had built as a public figure and allowed herself to be more expressive.
“N’Love, I hope nothing will change between us. I’m not asking you to return my feelings, but I hope I don’t make you feel uncomfortable,” Milk said as they descended in the hotel elevator to check out. Love closed the distance between them, taking Milk’s hand and intertwining their fingers. “P’Milk, you could never make me uncomfortable. You are my comfort zone, remember that. Yes, nothing will change between us. You will still be my P’Miw, and I will still be your N’Luv,” Love replied.