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While Spider-Man is a menace to the villains that call New York their home, Peter Parker is a surprisingly good listener for their woes.
It starts with a hostage situation, as things often do, and Sandman monologuing about his latest stint in prison and how hard it is to get back into the villain game after so long locked up. Then came a kidnapping at Stark Tower while Electro tried to steal an Arc Reactor for the seventh time, then happening upon Lizard one day while walking home from school. Tony says Peter is villain catnip.
He’s managed to keep his identity secret each and every time Peter Parker has been cornered by a villain or an anti-hero with a clumsy act and a few well-timed trips. But this? This is too much.
Peter’s entire AcaDec group sits on the ground, backs pressed up against the wall of the coffee shop they’re in.
A dozen well-armed thugs-for-hire stand positioned around the interior of the shop. Two have moved a bench to block the doors, but there’s not much they can do about the windows lining two walls of the room. The boss, Kraven the Hunter, doesn’t seem to mind.
“Relax,” he grunts at a child clinging to their mom, tear tracks on their face. “You are bait, a worm on a hook. My hunt does not require your death, as long as you keep quiet .”
Peter eyes the armed men warily. Normally, he knows from his Spider-Man adventures, Kraven doesn’t like guns or other ranged weapons. This must be a special occasion, a special hunt for him.
From the corner of his eye, Peter sees Ned making a discreet gesture towards Peter’s backpack, and Peter shakes his head despondently. The one day he doesn’t have his suit in his bag… Even if he could get away and create a distraction to change into it, he left it on his bed this morning before school, torn and bloody, in no state to be worn.
“Hm,” Kraven muses, keen eyes taking in the room beyond the crying child. “Perhaps this is not enough bait. To catch a spider, one must send a signal right into the heart of its web.”
Oh, great. Kraven’s hunting for Spider-Man, but he’s caught Peter Parker. He doesn’t like where this is going.
Time to do something stupid.
“You’re looking for Spider-Man?” he asks, immediately drawing the attention of every hostage and hostage-taker. “Why didn’t you say so?”
Kraven stalks forward. His gaze sends a shiver down Peter’s spine, but Peter holds eye contact like it’s just another Tuesday. Technically, it is just another Tuesday. He just decided to come to the AcaDec study session after school because his suit isn’t ready for patrol.
“And you are?” Kraven asks menacingly.
Peter blinks back up at him and tilts his head. “I’m Peter. You’re Kraven the Hunter, right? I intern at Stark Industries, and my boss brought you up this one time, but he said you hated guns. How come your buddies have guns now?”
“Guns are a coward’s weapon,” Kraven spits, literally. “But they are necessary when the people of this era only take alarm when a gun is involved. To guarantee a catch, I must cater to my prey, and spiders take threats to their web very seriously.”
“That’s true,” Peter says with a shrug. “Last time I was kidnapped, Spider-Man seemed really angry that everyone had those alien guns that shoot green energy. Though, he reacted the same when he saw Sandman and Lizard that other time, so maybe it’s not the guns? I mean, Lizard’s claws were pretty scary pressed up against my throat.”
Kraven falters, but Peter just keeps talking, slowly adjusting his body so he’s in front of his friends, slow enough not even Kraven the Hunter thinks it’s anything more than nervous fidgeting.
“Oh, and there was that one time that Hydro-Man tried to kill me and my aunt, but he didn’t have any weapons at all, just water! Can you believe that? Like, at least put in some effort, you know? Spider-Man wasn’t very impressed either. He said something about history repeating itself and turned Hydro-Man into jello. No, I think you’ve got the right idea, sir. After everything Spider-Man has faced, all the disappointing villains he’s had to fight against, I think you might actually surprise him! Everyone knows you don’t like guns, so this will be a big surprise.”
Behind him, his friends start to murmur, sounding worried. But Peter continues without hesitation.
“Let me tell you, working at Stark Tower means I get to see a lot of villain attacks,” Peter says, peering up at the Hunter with wide eyes. “But I’ve always admired your style, Mr. Kraven. You don’t want world domination or revenge like the others, you just want to be the best. I can understand that.”
“Are you trying to manipulate me, boy?” Kraven snarls, leaning down to be face to face with Peter.
“No, sir! I just hope you catch Spider-Man and get to prove yourself, Mr. Kraven. I respect Spider-Man, I really do, but even heroes need to meet their match to get better, you know? You pose an actual challenge to him, so you can help him get stronger, and then you’ll really be proud of yourself when you manage to catch him, ‘cause he’ll be the best he can be!”
He stares, unblinking, up at the Hunter, his face as earnest as he can make it. He’s gotten good at acting after all the times his rogues have unknowingly kidnapped him and roped him into little therapy sessions while they wait for Spider-Man or one of the other Avengers to come and fight them.
Kraven hums a little, keen eyes not leaving Peter’s face, “You said your name was Peter. You would not happen to be the Peter that helped the Green Goblin with his tax problems, would you?”
Peter absolutely beams, almost bouncing on his knees as he plays up his civilian persona.
“I am!” he exclaims happily. “Did Gobby tell you about me? Do you need help with your taxes, Mr. Kraven? Oh, or maybe you want some help finding a lawyer? I can’t imagine how frustrating it might get being thrown right back into prison every time a hero beats you. I bet some good representation would slow that down enough that you could find a time to escape.”
Someone else in the room squawks, taking offense to Peter’s insinuation that Kraven should escape police custody. Peter fights back an amused grin. It’s not like he wants his villains to be back on the streets before they’re supposed to, but he’s playing to a very specific audience right now.
A siren flares outside of the coffeeshop, making the armed thugs shuffle nervously.
“Looks like the police are here, Mr. Kraven,” Peter says with a faux-disappointed sigh. “Sorry Spider-Man didn’t beat them to it. He’s probably busy with Electro down by the docks. My boss says that Electro’s been causing a lot more trouble than taking hostages this week. Maybe you’ll get him next time?”
Kraven, his attention now fully off of his hostages, glares out the windows at the cop cars surrounding the shop. He growls low, like an animal, and gestures to the thugs.
“Hold them off,” he orders them, already turning towards the backdoor. “Buy me some time, and I will double your pay. You, boy--Peter--grow some self preservation or you won’t survive much longer the way you’re going.”
He makes a hasty exit, leaving a dozen armed criminals stuck between a group of hostages and the row of police cars outside the show.
Peter grins, showing all his teeth. He makes eye contact with his fellow hostages.
Time to go to work.
Fighting off some thugs with a group of hostages as Peter Parker is much less surprising than Peter Parker taking on Kraven the Hunter and winning. He lucked out this time, getting taken hostage with someone in an Army sweatshirt and someone who he thinks is an off-duty prison guard. All Peter needs to do is take down one of their hostage-takers and make sure everyone else gets into the kitchen before any shots can be fired.
All in all, it’s just another day in New York. Hell, Peter doesn’t even need to risk his secret identity when all he does is tackle a guy and wrestle the gun out of his unsuspecting hands.
“Peter,” Cindy says cautiously when it’s all over and the police have taken away the last criminal. “How many times have you been kidnapped?”
“No, no,” Abe interrupts, staring at Peter like he’s an alien. “That’s not the question here. The question is how many villains he’s on speaking terms with. Aren’t you supposed to be on the good side, Peter? You intern with Stark Industries. Oh, god, please don’t tell me you’re a supervillain in the making.”
Peter laughs, smiling at his friends, “Of course I’m not, who do you think I am? I just know some good lawyers who are always looking for more work. And it doesn’t hurt that all Stark employees get training for situations like that.”
“That explains your perfect form when you punched that guy,” Betty agrees, “but surely SI doesn’t train its employees to act like an idiot and draw the bad guys’ attention, right? There are so many things wrong with that, I can’t even put it into words.”
“Oh, no, that was all me,” Peter says with an understanding nod. “Villains like Kraven and Green Goblin don’t like when their kidnappee is a smartass, so after the third time I ended up under their care, I got a little bit too into it. But hey, it works, doesn’t it? Really throws them off guard.”
His AcaDec teammates stare at him incredulously. Peter blinks.
“It’s not that weird, right?” he asks, catching Flash’s eye. “I mean, how many times have you been kidnapped, man? You’re rich, that makes you just as appealing to villains as my internship makes me. How do you deal with people like that?”
Flash starts slowly, like Peter’s in shock, “This is my first time, Peter. Nobody’s come after me because of my father before. Parker, how many villains have taken you hostage because of your fake internship at Stark Tower?”
Oh.
“Seriously?” he asks, now the only one surprised. “You’re never been taken from the street by an overeager minion or a villain with a grudge? This is New York, I can’t be the only one who’s been kidnapped, right?”
MJ and Ned raise their hands, MJ easy while Ned’s movements are more tentative.
“There was that one time,” Ned starts, eyeing their classmates. He frowns sympathetically as he looks at Peter, shrugging helplessly. “But that was because we were in the same bowling alley as you, Peter. It’s your Parker Luck, man. Even Mr. Stark has no idea why you have such shit luck.”
Peter opens his mouth to protest, but his reply dies in his throat.
Now that he’s thinking about it, he thinks he remembers Bruce saying something about this once, something about pheromones and other enhanced people. It was after Deadpool showed up for Peter’s ballet final.
“Oh Thor,” he mutters to himself, “please tell me that my mutation doesn’t draw villains and vigilantes to me because they think I smell nice…”
Money immediately changes hands, a few of his classmates handing Cindy a few bills while grumbling. It pulls Peter enough out of his mind to realize what he said and see how the others are reacting.
“I put good money on you being a mutant,” Cindy explains, counting the money she’s collected. “Abe thought you were in an underground fight club, a few of us assumed you were a low level minion to Green Goblin or Deadpool, and Flash bet you were some kind of escort.”
Peter jerks to stare at Flash, who just shrugs.
“But this makes much more sense,” Cindy continues. “Your mutation involves enhanced durability and very bad luck, which explains why you’re always late and why your bruises seem to heal so quickly. Be honest, Parker, how many of New York’s villains have kidnapped you and made you late for class?”
Bewildered, Peter takes hold of this lifeline and mutters, “All of them.”
Somehow, they haven’t collected the dots and discovered his secret identity, that he’s Spider-Man. No, instead his friends have come to the conclusion that he’s a mutant whose mutation gives him chronic bad luck.
He shares a look with Ned, glaring as his best friend visibly bites down on an amused laugh.
“Don’t worry, Penis,” Flash declares, only slightly disdainfully, like he understands the weight of this revelation. “We won’t tell anyone you’re more of a freak than usual. Your secret’s safe with us.”
Peter heaves a sigh of relief.
“But you’re not invited to any more of our study sessions,” Flash continues. Peter steps back, eyes wide and offended, but Flash just shrugs. “It’s not our fault you can’t control your mutation. I don’t really want to be a hostage again, so no more study sessions for you.”
Honestly, that’s fair.