Chapter Text
“What. the fuck.”
You were just about to leave, before you heard something hit the pavement behind you. Hard. When you turned, you saw a lump on the ground. At first, you assumed that maybe someone threw their sack of trash off their rooftop, hoping it’d land in the dumpster. If that were the case, then they really almost got it in.
But then the lump began to rise, and you realized it was standing . You audibly gulped watching as the person rose to their full height, easily dwarfing you by a good chunk. You kept looking up, up, up until you met their eyes. They pierced right through you, a sharp black, and sent your stomach sinking fast.
“What the fuck,” you repeated.
You watched as they opened their mouth to respond, but you cut them off with a sharp spray of mace.
“DUDE—OW, FUCK!” The person staggered, rubbing their eyes with a fist. “I’M NOT HERE TO HURT YOU!”
“Then what the fuck are you doing dropping from rooftops?!” You huffed. “You know what? I don’t need to know. Bye.”
You turned to leave, but they reached out a hand, still squinting through the sting. “Wait! Shit—ow, just wait a second!”
Against your better judgment, you hesitated. Finally, you took a good look at them: green skin, oddly shaped back, obnoxiously large hoodie… oh no.
“Oh my god,” you blurted. “You were the guy laughing at my jokes! You’re… a mutant?”
You just sprayed your one and only fan with a can of mace! You felt oh so guilty, and tucked the mace back into your coat pocket. Despite the guilt, you couldn’t help but marvel over this random dude; It’s not every day you get to meet a mutant.
The guy cringed. “Alright, let’s not just throw that word around. I have a name, you know.”
You blanch. “Ah. Sorry.”
There was an awkward pause before he broke it with a dry cough. “...Are you gonna ask?”
You tilt your head. “Ask what?”
“What my name is?”
You shrugged. “Not really. Hey, uh… shouldn’t you be doubled over in pain right now?”
He clicked his tongue. “Eh, I’m over it. Blame it on me being a mutant.”
“Right… okay well sorry for spraying you, I’m gonna head out now.”
He stumbled over himself, blocking your path. “Hey—wait a second, dude! I’m here to help!”
“Help me with what?”
“Help save you from that creepy dude!”
You blinked. “...What creepy dude? You mean the guy who’s already gone?”
Leo hesitated. “Well, yeah, but I know you’re planning on meeting him again. I saw him hand you that—” he gestured vaguely, “— gift card.”
“It’s a business card,” you corrected. “And were you stalking me?”
“Uh, no! I was protecting you. It’s my duty. I’m one of the heroes of this city.”
You raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean, ‘heroes of this city?’”
“Remember the Krang invasion?”
The memory sent a shiver down both your spines. “Of course I do. There were these turtles who swooped in and—” you trailed off as the realization hit. “Oh. Ohhh. You know what? That makes sense now. I thought you were just some creep. Well… I’m not ruling that out yet. You were stalking me.”
Leo looked frustrated. “ Protecting you. I was protecting you. And for good reason! That yokai came up–”
Okay, now you’re incredibly lost. “Yokai? You mean slickback?”
“Isn’t it suspicious he didn’t even give you his name?” Leo asks.
“Well. you haven’t either.”
“You didn’t ask!” He pinches the bridge of his… beak? Before sighing. “It’s Leo. My name is Leo.”
“That’ll make the police report easier,” you quipped.
It landed flat. Leo stared at you with an unimpressed expression. Man, and here you thought he liked your jokes.
“Sorry, I was just joking,” you immediately backpedaled. “I make jokes when I’m nervous. And happy. And sad. And hungry. Am I talking too much? I feel like I’m talking too much.”
“You are. But it’s okay. I get it.” He sighed again. “Just, listen. That guy you were talking to is a yokai. Sort of like a mutant. But not.”
“Okay, totally makes sense,” you said with an awkward thumbs-up.
Leo stared at you again, his expression deadpan.
“…Sorry.”
“Don’t interrupt,” he said, before catching your frown. “Uh, please. Anyway, he was wearing some sort of cloaking brooch, which means he was disguising himself as human. Whatever he’s trying to get you to do? Definitely not good news.”
“Yeah, well. He’s trying to get me to audition for some sort of underground version of ComedySportz. I’m supposed to go to an audition tomorrow at midnight at…” You squint at the card in your hand. “...this location?”
Leo snatched the card from you and examined it. “Huh. Looks like coordinates to some warehouse.”
“Do you usually memorize the address of random warehouses?”
“Do you usually accept invites to sketchy auditions?”
“Touche.”
Leo smirked faintly before his expression turned serious. “...I think you should go.”’
“Really?”
“Yes, but let me follow. I bet this guy is planning something shady, and I’m the best guy to bust it.” He pulled out a phone—a blue phone case, of course—and held it out to you. “Here, give me your number.”
“Are you hitting on me?”
Leo paused, blinking. “Actually, sort of. But I meant so we could plan to meet up before you go. Unless you’d rather meet at the place.”
“No, no, it’s okay.” You grabbed his phone, entering your number. After a moment of hesitation, you added a small heart emoji next to your name.
Leo glanced at the screen, and his tail flicked behind him, wagging ever so slightly. “Awesome.”
–
You know it was risky giving Leo your number, and especially adding that stupid heart to your name! What if he wasn’t actually flirting, just messing around, and you made yourself look like a fool?! You don’t think you’d be able to look him in the eyes. Maybe you should change your name and move to a different continent.
It felt like agony waiting for him to shoot you a text. Maybe he just… forgot? You don’t know if that’d be any better. If he could so easily forget about you, then what the hell are you even doing waiting around for him!
You decide to instead crank out some jokes on your laptop. That always helps distract you from the harsh realities of the world. Woah, didn’t mean to sound so emo there. But seriously (unseriously?) time to work out some jokes.
…
Yeah, you got nothing. No new material comes to mind. You contemplate writing about the whole situation, but no story is good without an ending. It’s like writing a joke with no punchline. And considering you’re still figuring out the next step of the plan, you don’t exactly have a punchline.
You smush your hands against your forehead, pressing your palms harshly into your skin. Ughhhhhhhh why does this have to be so harddddddd. Writing is hard enough, but writing jokes? Fuck. This is stupid. Why couldn’t you have chosen a better career, like a manager at Walmart? But noooo, instead you spend your nights searching around NYC for gigs to get paid basically nothing, while working a serving job during the day. And also getting paid basically nothing. If you didn’t have a breakthrough soon, you’d have to move back home. Which is NOT an option.
Instead of writing new material, you decide to go back and shapen up your old routine. Maybe see if there’s a way you can tighten up your wording, or find funnier words. You actually start to get into the rhythm of it, editing your set to be sharper, funnier.
But of course, as soon as you get into the swing of things, your phone decides to vibrate with an onslaught of texts. Confused, you slowly lift your hands off of your keyboard and reach for your phone. You weren’t expecting any texts—
WAIT YES YOU WERE OH GOD!
You pick up speed, racing to grab your phone. You fumble it for just a second, but quickly catch it and turn it on, opening it straight to your messages.
It’s from an unknown number, but you swiftly add the number to your contacts. You know it’s Leo. Only he would… send you multiple memes? You scroll through the images. They start off vague, implying the two of you should “go out together,” before getting real specific about the whole situation. When you see the memes about Slickback, you realize Leo is actually editing the memes himself.
Which, admittedly, sort of gives you the ick. But in a weirdly fond way? It’s like… you know you shouldn’t let a dirty dog inside your house, unless you want gross mud to be smeared across your floors. But awww look at those puppy dog eyes!
Okay, that was stupid. Leo makes you think stupid thoughts. But he also makes you kick your feet in giddiness, so it’s forgivable. Wait, does this make you a furry? You decide not to think about it too hard. Instead, you send a thumbs up to his texts, and watch as he sends a dozen more. Your cheeks start to hurt, and you realize you’ve been smiling hard for the past however-long.
–
After staying up all night, you decide it’s best to call in sick for work. Your boss is suspicious at first, but all you had to do was throw in a few coughs and suddenly they’re insisting you stay home and possibly quarantine for some time. Leave it to your boss to take it to the extreme.
You end the call, swearing you’ll take real good care of yourself until you’re healthy, just in time for your next shift. As soon as you hang up, you're sinking back into your seat, your laptop screen staring intently back at you. As fun as tightening up a set can be, you really need to start writing some new jokes. Your old ones are getting over-rehearsed, which is never good. The words are starting to lose their meaning when you perform.
You glance at your phone as another set of texts roll in. You had been texting Leo the whole time you’ve been awake, which has been the better half of the night. You took a quick nap around 3am, before getting back up at 4 to continue working. You were determined to get out of this rut.
The fake-audition set for later was a great motivator to get to work. Even though you weren’t probably actually auditioning for any show or gig, you still wanted to nail it. Not like that. But it was a great opportunity to try out some new material. If only you could. just. think. of. something! Ugh!!
You lolled your neck, trying to think of literally anything funny. Swifties. Nicknames for other celebrities. Andrew Tate. Tatortots. You rolled your eyes. Not very funny. You repeatedly clicked the backspace until the words disappeared, leaving you with a clean slate. The same clean slate you’ve had for the past few hours.
Maybe it’s time for a break. You push yourself up to go grab an energy drink, before remembering to check your texts with Leo. He’s sent you a few more memes, before trying to get your attention.
LEO :D
Hey
Helloooooo
YOU
?
LEO :D
Want to get lunch?
You consider it. It’d be nice, you’d have some fun, and it’d clear your head. Probably enough to write at least one funny joke. Besides, Leo seemed witty enough, so you could definitely bounce some ideas off of him. But then your eyes slide back to your open document. Your empty document. Maybe you should give it some more time…
YOU
Sorry
Working on stand up
LEO :D
Oh okay
Dinner?
You’re about to shoot him down again, insist that you really needed to get some ideas on paper, but you could really use a break. And, admittedly, you did sort of want to see Leo before going to that dumb warehouse. Ughhhhhh you hate the fact that you think he’s cute. Even if he sends you the worst, most unfunny pictures. Could he handle dating a mediocre comedian? Someone who can’t even get their work off the ground? Someone who wouldn’t be able to bring in much money?
But then you realize you’re talking about Leo, one of the self-proclaimed protectors of New York City. And sometimes New Jersey, though he loathes to admit it. He’s literally a gigantic turtle (you ignore the Furry Thought again.) And he finds you funny. Obviously he doesn’t give a fuck if you’re a comedian or what. Before you can overthink it, you reply.
YOU
I can do dinner
LEO :D
Pizza?
I know the best spot
YOU
Ok
–
“Guess what, suckers!” Leo exclaims, dancing his way into the living room. His brothers don’t even look up, ignoring him to continue working on their puzzle. He marches over, and flips the puzzle off the table. There, now he has their attention. Even if it’s because they’re about to murder him. “Guess who has a hot date tonight?”
…Leo walked out of that “conversation” sporting a new bruise.
–
Turns out, Leo really did know the best spot for pizza. The shop was… something, to say the least. You considered writing a joke or two based on the restaurant, but you don’t think anyone would believe you when you’d say a bag-of-bones took your order. The skeleton seemed to know Leo pretty well, maybe even seemed fond of him, even if he pretended to be annoyed by him. Trust, you knew the feeling.
You winded up taking the slices to-go, opting to walk around and talk. It felt like a date, and it probably definitely was a date, but neither of you said as much. And if Leo wasn’t going to say anything, then you definitely weren’t.
Eventually, you found yourself in a nearby park. Well, okay, it wasn’t really “nearby.” But technically everything is close when Leo can just teleport y’all anywhere. You almost blew chunks when he pulled you through that portal, but you managed to contain it. You’d never be able to live it down if you didn’t.
“You okay there?” he had asked.
You nodded your head, keeping your mouth closed. Just in case.
“You’re looking a little green there.”
You swallowed hard, before forcing a smile. “Guess that means we’re matching.”
He seems a bit charmed by your response, his eyes crinkling as he smiles back.