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From different worlds (?)

Summary:

Kei is still drowning in self-loathing and guilt over what happened to Rokuta, and it's affecting his relationship with Shogo in a bad way.

Notes:

I love love LOVE this work of mine so much! I've always wanted to explore how Kei's trauma affects his relationship with his loved one and how much trouble it causes him in his life, and I'm happy I was able to do that (I hope)!

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“Are you sure they'll like me...?”

It's probably the third time that question has been asked in the time they've been walking home. Maybe someone else in Kei's shoes would be annoyed, but how can you be angry at the person you love when he's so nervous about meeting your family?

“Shogo, they already know you,” Kei smiles softly, reassuringly. “And they already like you.”

“Yeah, but they know me as the leader of the rival group and your former groupmate, not... well... you know,” Yamato averts his gaze, gripping the boxes of gifts for Itsuki and Rokuta tighter. So attentive and thoughtful, he had questioned Kei beforehand about what they like and dislike, so that they would enjoy the gift...

“My boyfriend? The love of my life?”

“Don't laugh!” Shogo blushes, trying to hide behind the boxes, and it's so cute that Kei feels his own heart start to beat faster and the world around him turn pink, like in all those naive romantic movies about love at first sight.

“I'm not laughing,” Kei shakes his head, moves closer and kisses Shogo lightly on the cheek. “That's what I'm feeling.”

He loves seeing his boyfriend's emotions so much. Shogo is always focused, always calculating what to show off, how not to slack off but still not seem too perfect. A great balance between acting and sincerity, where he manages to incorporate the latter into the first as masterfully and effortlessly as he breathes.

So... There's something particularly touching about leaving him disarmed, openly embarrassed. Dropping the role of leader and showing the world, no, not the world, but him, Kei, personally, the real Yamato Shogo.

“You say that on purpose when I'm carrying heavy things, don't you?” he grumbles, but his gaze is full of pure, untainted tenderness, so it's impossible to believe that he's really displeased.

“... Maybe.”

* * *

Shogo has seen Kei's apartment in pictures on instagram and other social media, but in reality, being in it seems overwhelming. A small but spacious apartment with only the bare minimum of furniture, yet filled with various charming little things that so vividly characterize each inhabitant. It's impossible not to feel the soul of the owners, all three of them, so for seconds Shogo is even a little lost in thought, looking around.

“Oh, gosh, this must be hard, huh?”

He flinches in surprise when Rokuta appears in front of him, looking at him like an affectionate, trusting puppy. Disheveled, in his home clothes and stained apron, he looks so cute that it's hard not to understand why Kei's voice fills with such tenderness every time he talks about him.

“No, it's fi...” Shougo begins, but Rokuta doesn't finish listening to him, snatching the heavy things with one hand as easily as if they weighed nothing. A sight impossible to get used to.

“Rokuta, be careful!..!” Kei exclaimed, somehow too anxious and nervous, as if this was the first time Rokuta had ever done something like this in front of his eyes, and he'd never held anything heavier than a computer mouse before.

“Kei-chan, they're really light!”

“But…”

“Keeeei-chan! It's okay!” Rokuta chants and giggles.

Kei is still watching anxiously, a confused and embarrassed smile on his lips. Shogo scratches the bridge of his nose slightly - so much fuss over the boxes. He knew Kei was an anxious older brother, but to see so much emotion visibly on the usually collected and aloof Kei is... unusual.

“Welcome,” Itsuki comes out of the kitchen. His apron, unlike Rokuta's, is clean and tidy, and he wears ordinary glasses on his face instead of the usual accessory. “I see that Rokuta has raised a fuss again. I apologize.”

“That's not true! I was just helping!”

“Then help completely and don't stand in the way with those boxes.”

“Oops!”

It's hard to read the emotion in his tone, especially with the fountain that Rokuta spouts just by opening his mouth. Wondering what it's like for Kei to be under such a contrasting shower every day...?

Rokuta rushes off with the boxes into one of the rooms, leaving the others in uncomfortable silence.

“Do you... need help with cooking?” Shogo looks awkwardly at Itsuki.

He shakes his head.

“No need. Rokuta and I are already done. But thanks for the offer.”

“You're a guest, Shogo. So enjoy our hospitality,” Kei smiles, and Shogo has the feeling that something is going to be wrong.

* * *

To be fair, Shogo was worried for nothing, and everything went... calmly. Good, even. Though Itsuki is reserved in his emotions, it's obvious from him how much he cherishes both of his teammates, and Rokuta's solar energy would be enough to rival a perpetual motion machine. It might have been awkward without him, but he brightened the atmosphere, filling it with something warm and sweet.

Perhaps “warm and sweet” is the best way to describe the interactions within 1Nm8. In a short period of time, they became a true family. No wonder Kei appreciates both boys so much and works so hard for them.

Perhaps... Even too hard.

He asked Rokuta if he was blowing at least five times. And it seemed even more he asked if he was stuffy. Counting how many servings of refills he brought at his little brother's request, Shougo is afraid to count. And when Rokuta mentioned casually that he'd seen a nice picture of some strawberry dessert but couldn't remember the name of it, Kei immediately pulled out his phone to start searching.

It felt like...

“Kei, can I talk to you?”

...Shogo is afraid to assume what he's guessing. Perhaps after what he tells Kei, their barely-established relationship will change forever... for the worse.

“That's... that's what we're doing right now, isn't it?” Kei tilts his head in confusion. Shogo has to concentrate on his important thoughts, so he doesn't find himself mesmerized by how incomprehensibly innocent Kei's gaze is now....

...Damn, he's getting distracted. Shogo shakes his head.

“Yeah, but... It's important.”

Kei blinks then walks over to the door and closes it. They are currently in the room that Kei uses as a home studio, so as Shogo knows, it's soundproofed well, keeping sounds from both outside and inside.

“So...?” he comes back, sitting down quite close, looking worried and anxious, and Shogo is even a little ashamed of what he's about to say.

“Kei, you... really like Rokuta, don't you?”

Kei arches an eyebrow in incomprehension:

“What an odd question...? Of course I do, he's my little brother.”

“I understand, I'm sorry…” Shogo frowns, thinking how to phrase what's on his mind. “It's just... It's like you're spoiling him a lot.”

“You... think so, too...?” Kei's expression becomes bewildered and a little guilty. “It's just that Itsuki says so too. But I can't help it... He hasn't been around for so long... And... And-”

He falls silent, lowering his head a bit. Damn, he shouldn't be so miserable. And now Shogo is going to hurt him even more.

“I'm sorry if I'm prying, but I think there's a big problem here,” Shogo pauses for a moment before continuing. “Kei, I get the feeling that by spoiling him, you're... trying to... I don't know... Compensate for something? Make up for something? It's like you're trying to create a sterile, soft-walled room around him where nothing can hurt him and his every wish is magically granted.”

He doesn't have perfect pitch like Kei, but he feels like he can hear how heavy the silence becomes after he speaks. Kei freezes like a statue, his beautiful eyes wide and his mouth hanging open in a mute attempt to say something.

Damn. He shouldn't have said it like that. He shouldn't have. Maybe he shouldn't have started this topic in the first place? No, this... It would be better for Kei if someone close to him pointed it out. Shogo's someone close, right? What if he's not? What if...

“...can I do otherwise?”

Kei's voice sounds so quiet that Shogo doesn't even get to hear the beginning of the question.

“Kei...?”

“You don't understand!” Kei rushes up from his seat, making Shogo flinch in surprise and stand up next to him. “Everything has been taken from him — his normal life, his memories, even his name! He's been reduced to an object that can be used to do whatever they want. I keep seeing his face in the place of those poor kids who didn't survive that hell in my nightmares... And while he was going through all that, I was making music and friends and falling in love!”

“But, Kei, what could you do? You were a kid. Even now you're only nineteen.”

“But!...” A quiet sob escapes Kei's lips. Shogo's first instinct is to go over and hug him, allowing the sob into his chest. “I'm his big brother. I'm supposed to protect him. I wasn't supposed to move away from him, I wasn't supposed to let him be taken away from me! Or at least... I... I... I'm the one who should have gone through this nightmare... Not him....”

What the hell are you talking about?! is the first thing that comes to mind.

Shogo felt Kei blaming himself for what had happened. Shogo felt that Kei was trying to dull the guilt at least a little by tirelessly fulfilling all of Rokuta's wishes from small to large. But... “I'm the one who should have gone through this nightmare.... Not him....?” The voice of his lover, saying it so naturally, as if he'd long ago come to accept the thought, as if he'd long ago accepted it as an integral part of himself, made everything inside freeze with some strange, constraining horror.

Shogo has never been a conflicting person, but right now he wants to find every bastard from Alter Trigger and... he doesn't even know what he wants to do to them. Beat them up sounds too small for what they've done.

But even more he wanted to shake Kei, to make him look into his eyes and make him believe that even without going through the hellish experiments he was just as much a victim of that damned company as his brother was.

“Don't say that, please... Kei... I'm sure it would be painful for Rokuta to hear that.”

Just like it is painful to me right now remains unspoken.

“But at least he'd be healthy, and he wouldn't have to suffer like this,” Kei sniffled and raised his head, looking up with tear-stained eyes. “There's nothing more precious to me than that. Even if the Devil himself came to me and said: “I'll erase all the consequences of what your brother went through, but as payback he'll hate you,“ I'd go along with it without a second thought,” he trails off with those words. “I barely remember my parents. Until recently, Minori was the only person close to me. My only family.” At that moment, his lips touch in a kind of broken grin that looks so unnatural on his face. “Someone who'd grown up in a full, loving family with a mom and dad would never understand that feeling.”

For a second, Shogo thinks he misheard him. Kei is standing across from him, wrapping his arms around his own shoulders and looking slightly sideways with an annoyed and painful expression.

Someone who'd grown up in a full, loving family with a mom and dad would never understand that feeling.

It rings so loud in Shogo's ears with that frustrated, desperate Kei’s voice. The voice of a man who sees himself as all alone. Even now.

“I see,” a quiet, nervous chuckle escapes Shogo's lips against his will. “I'll never understand you, then?”

Kei opens his ethereally beautiful gray eyes, the orange specks in them so much like the light of miniature suns breaking through the clouds, and his mouth falls open in confusion, as if he's just realized what he's said. Perhaps now would be a good time to calm down and talk about everything, but .

...It's not like Shogo can just get those words out of his head.

“Is that how you see me, Kei? A privileged boy from a successful, full, loving family that you're in different worlds with?”

“Shogo, wait—”

“No need, Kei. You've said more than enough already. At least for now.”

If they continue, they're sure to say even more unnecessary things, and Shogo will learn even more new things about himself, besides the fact that someone like him could never understand Kei.

Those words swirl around in his head when he leaves the room. Some part of him, perhaps the selfish part that only comes out at times when he's feeling the worst possible, wants Kei to come running out, to take his hand, or to hug him back, as he sometimes did in a burst of tenderness.

“Leaving already?”

Shogo turns around to see Itsuki standing there with a slightly arched charcoal eyebrow. Behind his back looms Rokuta, who is looking at him... oddly.

“Yes. Kei and I are finished. Thank you for your hospitality.”

He tries very hard to keep his voice from shaking, and not even a drop of the frustration that has clothed his heart.

Rokuta opens his mouth to say something, but Itsuki cuts him off, forestalling him:

“We'll be glad to see you here again.”

So dry it sounds like a pure formality. But if only someone knew how grateful he was for that formality. Less than anything else in this life, Shogo would want people prying into his soul right now. Especially Itsuki and Rokuta.

Only on the street does he allow himself to exhale noisily and sob. He and Kei... from different worlds? After all, how can one even try to compare his attempts to escape the shadows of the great dear ones around him to the... bitterness of losing the only family member... Is that what Kei thinks...?

No, of course not. Shogo remembers Kei comforting him after his father's death. How he'd pulled him into his room and started playing a sad melody that echoed in Shogo's heart with pain and tenderness, even using a leitmotif from the OST of one of the first movies of his father's career. The one where he played a young parent who goes to great lengths for his family, and the infant he held so reverently and lovingly was little Shogo himself. And then, finished, Kei didn't say a word, just stared expectantly and ever so slightly lost, waiting for a reaction.

That's when their first kiss happened, mixed in with Shogo's tears.

Kei would never in his life recognize another man's problems as nothing compared to his own. That wasn't the kind of man he was. Perhaps he thought they were so different that he just wouldn't understand his pain...?

That and a host of other thoughts raced through his mind in a never-ending hurricane, one dreary guess succeeding another. Damn it, if every attempt to have a heart-to-heart talk was going to end up like this, then....

“Shooogo! Wait!”

... Fortunately, he doesn't have time to finish the thought. Turning around at the voice, he freezes in confusion, feeling any possible thoughts leave his mind.

“Rokuta...?”

With his characteristic wide smile, Kei's younger brother waved his hands vigorously at him, and accelerated to catch up with him.

Damn, that's the last thing Shogo needed.

“Hi-hi-hi one more time!” he waves his hand once more, as if they hadn't said hello... twice already today, and then he hugs him. Unexpectedly delicate. Well, by Rokuta's standards, “doesn't make the bones crack” could be considered a delicate touch. “Oh, in case you're wondering, I wasn't following you or something! It's just that I wanted to meet Shiki after our dinner, so I ran out, and then bam! I see you!”

Though Rokuta is rambling, he still speaks matter-of-factly, leaving no questions as to the reason for their meeting. And the fact that it's unintentional... gives a sense of relief. At least it means there's no tough conversation waiting for Shogo right now. He's had enough. Damn, he wishes he had some marmalade...

“I-I see,” Shogo hides his nervousness behind a well-rehearsed smile. Rokuta's sincere friendliness makes his own fakeness seem gross. “Shiki is that... from The Cat's Whiskers?”

“Yup!” Rokuta nods his head vigorously. “I go to their bar a lot! Shiki and I play the piano, and Ryu likes to test my strength, hehehe. Nayuta from cozmez also comes sometimes, but he doesn't seem to like loud company very much,” he rubs his neck embarrassedly, and it looks cute.

“N-Nayuta-san? Wow…” it's not like Shogo doesn't know about Nayuta's friendship with Shiki. After all, he's the only one the two brothers follow besides each other and BURAIKAN.

“If you want, you can come too! Oh, we can go there together!”

Shogo even stops in surprise. On the one hand, it's a good opportunity to get to know the members of the different groups better, but on the other hand, going somewhere together with Rokuta... The thought of it leaves a slightly awkward aftertaste.

“I'm - I'm not sure, to be honest. if I'll fit in.”

“Of course you'll fit in! There's Kanbayashi-san beside us! I think he wouldn't mind a customer... If you order something,” Rokuta chuckles. “Oh, and it'll be a nice distraction. You and Kei-chan, well....”

Wait, what?

“So you get it...?”

The boy only pouts a little and rolls his eyes:

“I'm naive, but I'm not stupid. And you both have it written all over your faces. Kei-chan is terribly upset.”

The heart inside is hammering harder. Kei...upset? On the other hand, no one asked him to react to Shogo's words like that. Why should it even bother him at all then that he was upset?

“I-I see... I'm sorry about that. I wanted what was best for him, but…”

“No need to apologize,” Rokuta shakes his head and pats him lightly on the shoulder. “Kei-chan is silly. Smart, but also really, really silly. He wants everyone around him to be happy, but we can't be happy while he's not happy himself.”

Rokuta is unexpectedly perceptive and empathetic, and it makes Shogo look at him in a totally different way. And even more convinced that his words were not spoken in vain. Kei's younger brother is far more understanding and mature than he seems, and deserves to be treated appropriately.

“You're very wise, Rokuta,” Shogo gives him a warm smile. It's a good thing they've crossed paths, after all.

“No way,” he shakes his head and grins a little sadly. There's something in that emotion that makes him so much like Kei before he said those fateful words. “I actually feel so guilty for him..”

“For what?”

“That I can't... Well... Fully feel that he's my big brother,” pale pink hair obscures Rokuta's face as he lowers his head. “I know he's my brother, I have no doubts about it. Itsuki-nii confirmed that there in the institution, I spent the first few years there crying and calling for Keii-chan all the time. And it was Kei-chan who wrote that melody that saved me all the time, giving me strength! But whenever I try to say ‘nii-chan’ to him, I... I just don't feel like I can say it. But I'm sure if I called Kei-chan that, he'd be happy...! What kind of little brother am I if I can't do something so simple....”

It's not hard to hear the trembling in Rokuta's voice. The recently sunny young man is almost crying now, slouching and looking smaller than he is.

Shogo has no younger siblings, and yet his “big brother VISTY” instinct tells him that he should hug Rokuta right now. And he does so, allowing him to snuggle into his shoulder and cry.

How hard it was for him during his first meeting with Kei. Shogo tries to imagine this moment and worst of all, he imagines it. How does it feel when you're facing a man who is willing to sell his soul to the devil for you, and all you know about him is his name...?

“Rokuta,” Shogo said quietly and softly, trying to give his voice the soothing tone he sometimes used with the guys when something upset them. “It's not your fault, and Kei understands that and loves you no matter what. Recovering memory is a difficult and long process, and the fact that you can already remember something is a miracle.”

“I understand, but... I want the three of us to be a real family so much.....”

“... You're already family, and nothing will change that,” Shogo smiles, feeling tears come to his eyes. “The whole time Kei was with us, he was a total mystery to us. Even to me, even though I was his boyfriend. He never talked to us about his pain, we never saw his trap reactions, we never even heard any domestic complaints from him. He was a perfect genius who was always there to do his job perfectly. To be supportive. But not to open up the pain of his soul even a little bit. But with you... Rokuta, I can see that with you he's completely different. Seeing him now, I can see how much you've affected him. He may wish to save everyone around him but himself, but it was you who saved him from sinking into his own loneliness.”

Rokuta freezes in confusion.

“We... saved Kei-chan?”

“Of course you did! Your directness and Itsuki's attention to detail... You're both so different, but you're the best part of Kei's life.”

Rokuta is silent, flapping his eyelashes innocently in a childish way, as if fully aware of what he's told him, and then... smiles.

“You know, you forgot someone else on that list.”

“Did I?”

“Of course! You forgot yourself!”

Shogo is at a loss for words. Forgot... Himself? But how can Rokuta say that after their fight?

“Do you... really think so?”

“Yes!” Rokuta's voice doesn't have an ounce of doubt in it. “Kei-chan adores you! You can see it in his eyes, hehehe. He's glowing like a light bulb after hanging out with you.”

Rokuta's words are like honey to Shogo’s heart. Outside of performances, Kei always kept his emotions in check and showed them very softly, with subtle undertones that weren't always easy to catch. And if Rokuta can feel that he is “glowing”, it really speaks for itself....

“I don't know what to say. I'm worried that... I don't always understand Kei,” Shogo sighs. “And I'm not even talking about the genius part, though I'm not sure about that either. Kei and I have had such different lives, and I'm afraid... That he thinks I'm incapable of understanding what he's going through. I'm sorry, I shouldn't burden you with this.”

Rokuta doesn't answer immediately, as if in deep thought, beginning to take a slow step.

“So that's why you two had a fight,” he shakes his head with a noisy sigh. “Kei-chan really is so silly! I guess it doesn't matter how different your lives were, if you can sympathize. Kei-chan didn't go through the experiments Itsuki-nii and I went through. But his tears during our story were genuine. He sympathized with us so much that he wanted to destroy the phantom metals! And if you can sympathize with Kei-chan, and I know you can, then... I think that's enough.”

Shogo is lost, not knowing what to answer. Rokuta's words sound so... simple and obvious, but at the same time incredibly hard to believe.

“After all,” Rokuta continues, ”I don't think Kei-chan would want you to have to go through what he's had to. I wouldn't want Kei-chan to go through the experiments. Because it was terribly painful. And it was so scary that... What if I failed? I wouldn't want anyone to go through that in my life. Especially not someone I care about. Because I know what it's like. And Kei-chan feels the same way, I know. I'm sorry if I sound messy, it's just that it's all so complicated...

“No,” Shogo shakes his head. “No, no, you're very clear. You're really very wise after all. Itsuki and Kei are very lucky to have such sunshine.”

Rokuta blushes adorably and pokes at each other with his index fingers in embarrassment:

“Thank you, Sho-chan,” he utters, smiling radiantly.

“Sho...-chan...?” Shogo is taken aback, not expecting something so sweet.

“Uh-huh, I thought it would be cute to call you that. Do you mind?”

No, it's really cute. Thank you, Rokuta.”

* * *

“What happened?”

Kei only realizes he's not alone in the room when a palm touches his shoulder. He looks up from his knees and meets Itsuki's yellow-gold eyes, in which he can barely read the worry.

How much trouble has he caused everyone...

“It's nothing. Where's Rokuta?”

Itsuki arches an eyebrow incredulously.

“He had an agreement to meet with Shiki.”

“I see,” Kei looks away thoughtfully.

“Kei,” Itsuki repeats a little more insistently.

“Hmm?”

“You can trust me with anything.”

His words, so familiar and uttered more than once, are as effective as when Kei first heard them. Itsuki is always here. Always ready to give support. Always ready to give care. What would he and Rokuta do without him...

Kei sighs.

“Shogo and I had a little fight. I... have a lot to think about.”

“Did he hurt you?”

Is it Kei, or does Itsuki's calm voice sound... just a little more aggressive...?

“God forbid, of course not,” he shakes his head, perhaps too harshly. “On the contrary. I'm such an idiot. I said something really mean.”

“Do you want to make up with him?”

“Uh-huh,” Kei nods. “And apologize. But I need to think about everything first.”

“Then take a walk.”

Itsuki does too much for them every day. So much that Kei is sometimes ashamed to even look him in the eye....

“But don't you need help cleaning up?”

“You're not the type to relax and overthink while cleaning, so no need. It'll be easier for me to clean when I don't have to see your miserable face. No offense.

Kei opens his eyes wide in surprise, flaps his eyelashes, and then chuckles softly.

“All right, I won't show up in front of you with my gloomy face.”

Going for a walk is a good idea indeed. After all, it's what always helps him clear his head and fill himself with ideas for music, so why can't it work for some personal stuff as well...?

Putting on his hoodie and sneakers, he pauses before opening the door to say quietly:

Itsuki... Thank you for who you are.”

“Don't be ridiculous,” his voice came out with its usual calm, but Kei could hear that he was a little embarrassed. “I'm the one who should be thanking you for this.”

“Then... we're both thankful for each other.”

Itsuki probably thinks he can't be heard, but Kei's hearing is too good to miss the quiet “But I will never be able to thank you enough...”. It takes a lot of effort not to snap back and say as many nice words to Itsuki as possible. He probably doesn't want his seconds of weakness to be noticed. But later, Kei is sure to inadvertently show him the error of his ways.

But first the park.

Kei has learned the way to it by heart, and luckily he doesn't have to walk past crowded places, so he keeps his headphones in his pocket. Of course, he always has them and an ASMR playlist of nature sounds on him for emergencies, but he tries to do without them whenever possible.

After all, surroundings are the best soundtrack, especially in nature. Kei takes a seat by the pond with the ducks swimming in it with a faint smile. For some reason, this view always relaxes and calms him. Kei, unlike little Minori, has never had feelings of inferiority or sadness over the absence of his parents (perhaps because Minori has always been generally more receptive and easygoing than Kei, and easily absorbs the stories of others about loving parents), and yet he feels something warm in his heart watching a mother duck help one of the nestlings flip over into the correct position.

And yet he had said those words to Shogo. Was it just an aggressive attempt to defend his desire to give Rokuta love, or...

Perhaps... He really does miss having someone older around at times, someone who could give advice and hints on how to be. Perhaps he really does want to rely on someone wiser and more experienced.

Perhaps he's thinking about how much easier it would have been for him if he hadn't gone through those seven years alone.

His musings are interrupted by footsteps. Judging by the heaviness and measurement, a pretty large man? It doesn't matter much, though, except that he should be careful about singing if he gets inspired.

“Miyama-kun?”

It is indeed a man, and it's unexpectedly quite familiar.

“Saimon-san? What a surprise.”

“I was coming back from classes and saw a familiar figure. But I wasn't sure if it was really you until I got closer. Am I interrupting something?”

There is always this strange special atmosphere of calm and peace around Saimon Naoakira. He is probably very loved by his students. Judging by Kei's observed interactions with BAE members, not probably.

And for some reason, he wasn't angry at Kei at all for that time before the battle....

“No. I was just thinking,” Miyama shakes his head.

“Thinking is very useful. About the new song?” The man smiles warmly. Something inside fluttered excitedly because of that smile.

“I wish,” Kei signs sadly. “About personal things.”

Saimon stares at him for a few seconds, then smiles understandingly and... suddenly sits down next to him on the grass.

“You know, Miyama-kun, some problems become easier if you let them be seen from the outside.”

Kei turns around confused. He'd just been thinking about how he missed the advice of an older man, hadn't he? And here he is, sitting right next to him. But still, the old habit of keeping things to himself gives out and resonates with anxiety. Is it okay to bare your heart to someone you don't know well? After all, what is it that connects them? A battle, before which Kei insulted him and turned him against himself? Great.

“I'm not sure that's a good idea... After all, I think you have your own worries.”

“I know my limits, so I wouldn't offer to help if I didn't feel like I could, Miyama-kun,” Saimon said with the same calm smile. “So if that's the only problem, then you can just take it easy and say whatever's bothering you.”

So easy and delicate. That's the sign of a good teacher. Kei grins a little nervously, tucking his knees closer together and wrapping his arms around them.

“I don't even know where to start.”

“The easiest way is to start at the beginning.”

“... Fair enough,” Kei sighed, tapping her finger on her knee thoughtfully. “Today I had a family dinner of sorts with the guys and Shogo from VISTY.”

“Shogo... Yamato-kun, if I remember correctly? Did something go wrong?”

“No, the dinner itself went well, but afterwards, when Shogo and I were alone, he said that I spoil Rokuta too much. And that-” his voice shakes nastily before Kei swallows and continues, “-and that it looks like I'm... compensating for something and trying to drown out the guilt. I overreacted... and said an unforgivable thing.”

“Unforgivable?”

“Uh-huh,” Kei nods. “I said that a person who's lived with a full family wouldn't understand how I felt... I'm such a fool.”

He squints. Shogo's face flashed before his eyes again, confused and miserable, full of the pain he, Kei, had caused.

“Do you really think so, Miyama-kun?”

Kei clutches the fabric of his jeans tighter around his knees and lowers his head.

“Shogo's very empathetic,” he finally exhales softly, with an undisguised tenderness in his voice. “Very gentle, compassionate, and understanding... He has such a radiant soul, and I... I hurt him again.”

Resting his face in his lap he can't see Saimon's face, but he hears the sound of his broad palm coming down on his back.

“He seems to love you very much, Miyama-kun,” those smiling intonations conjure up shades of warm coffee color. “Just as much as you do him. I think you should have a sincere talk with him. But keep your passionate temper in check.”

The last words make Kei blush embarrassedly and bury himself even more deeply in his lap. So embarrassing... Who better than Saimon to know about his... passionate temper.

“I'll try. I really need to apologize to him. He meant well, but all I did was throw my negative feelings at him and my...” Kei hesitates, looking up, “I don't know, my envy, I guess.”

Simon doesn't say anything, but tilts his head slightly in mild curiosity, as if to suggest that I continue.

“You'll think it's foolish, but... Sometimes I think that if Rokuta and I had parents, it would have been easier for me to get over his missing. Or even that he wouldn't have been taken away at all...” his gaze drops back to the ducklings swimming after the mother duck. “I had never really cared about not having parents before, for some reason. There was Minori, and that was enough for me. But... Tsk, I feel so ridiculous when I speculate about it.”

“There's nothing ridiculous about those thoughts, Miyama-kun,” Saimon shakes his head. “If I understand correctly, you've been experiencing Rokuta's absence alone for all these years and haven't shared it with anyone. Is that correct?”

“... Yes. I cried a lot at first. When the police arrived, I was on my knees begging to find Minori. But then the director of the orphanage called me in, and-” Kei clenches his hands into fists, “He said that all the kids at the orphanage had lost someone. And if I cry a lot, it will... 'infect' the other children with the pain, and they'll cry more, too.”

Kei lowered his gaze, habitually trying to pull the sleeves of his hoodie down to his palms, though there was no trace of any of the ones Kei had left there long ago, to vent his pent-up emotions.

“I'm sorry to hear that,” Saimon's voice is pure compassion that he doesn't even try to hide. “The adults' job was to help you psychologically, not to lock your feelings inside. Now I can see why, at the beginning of our conversation, you didn't want to bother me with your problems.”

Out of surprise, Kei raises his eyes to the man. He's looking at him with that warm gaze of his, and there's moisture in the corners of his eyes. Did...did he really affect him that much with his story...?

“I'm much better now than I was then, honestly,” Kei tries to smile faintly. “At least I'm able to open up to people now.”

“And that's a very good thing, Miyama-kun,” Saimon's expression fades, and he lowers his gaze sadly. “Loss, whether it's the disappearance of a loved one or their death, leaves a scar on the heart that will never fully fade for the rest of your days.”

“You sound like you're speaking from experience... I'm sorry if I'm prying.”

“Not at all, Miyama-kun,” Saimon shakes his head. “Nine years ago, I lost my wife. For the first two years after that, my only listener was alcohol. I couldn't find the strength to talk to anyone about what was in my heart. Drowned in studying and alcohol, I didn't even have contact with Yohei, even though he was my closest friend.”

Kei feels his chest tighten from the pain of his heart beating against his ribs. Every word Saimon says is imprinted and echoed with something familiar. The man's bitterness is palpable in his voice, tinged with a dreary dark gray, completely devoid of any light except the faintest hint of white.

“... I had... self-harm instead of alcohol, and then music,” Kei exhales weakly, feeling his eyes become wet with tears. “I'm sorry you had to go through that.”

“The feeling is mutual, Miyama-kun,” Saimon's smile is affectionate, even as tears roll down his cheeks and his palm finds itself on Kei's head, stroking it lightly. “I can't replace your father, and I don't think you need that now. But if you need advice, you can always contact me.”

Even in his warm clothes, Kei's skin is covered in goosebumps, and he, who's used to always relying on his hearing more than anything else, can't believe his own ears. This man is offering him his help? After all that...

“You're too kind-” Kei touches his neck in embarrassment. “I said so much to you before our battle, and you're... offering help.”

Saimon's smile becomes a little brighter.

“You're very young, Miyama-kun. Young, passionate, and idealistic. But more importantly, you know when to back off, and you know how to learn lessons and grow from those lessons. And I think those qualities are more than enough to make up for any uncompromising attitude you came into our bar with that day.”

Kei smiles confusedly.

“Then... I'd be honored to take you up on your offer in the future. I think I may need it.”

“Then how about we go into the bar?”

* * *

“Fuck, is this a bar or a kindergarten?”

Shogo chuckles quietly into the palm of his hand at the words of Yohei, wiping glasses behind the bar. There really are an unexpectedly large number of people around. Just as Rokuta said, both Shiki and Ryu are here, and surprisingly enough, Nayuta-san is actually present. He doesn't really take part in the conversations, but he listens to them carefully.

“I'm sorry for coming so unexpectedly,” Shogo smiled awkwardly, running his finger over the rim of his non-alcoholic cocktail glass.

“You paid,” Yohei snorted and glanced at Nayuta and Rokuta. “Unlike those freeloaders.”

“I came to Shiki's place, not a bar,” Nayuta frowns and furtively flicks his tongue.

“I saw everything, you little brat.”

Shogo takes a sip to hide his smile. He likes the atmosphere of this place. He wouldn't mind visiting again. Luckily, he's no longer an agency idol, so even if he gets caught walking into the bar, it won't be critically scary.

“So... did you have a fight with that weirdo?” Yohei lowers his voice, and Shogo nearly drops his glass in surprise.

“Kei's not a weirdo,” Shogo pressed his lips together. For some reason, even though he'd been fighting, he wanted to defend Kei.

“Listen to his cultist bullshit about how you're an asshole enslaved by the curse of devil metal who doesn't take care of his friend, and say it to my face again.”

Well... Shogo has nothing to answer. This side of Kei still seems unreal to him. Is his calm, gentle Kei really capable of hating something so much? And so passionately and so... specific in declaring his hatred...? Strange and unusual.

“Yeah, something like that. I knew what I was getting into when we resumed our relationship, but still...” he lowers his head.

Yohei sets aside one glass and picks up the next.

“Well, a mentally healthy guy wouldn't try to be the savior for every living phantom-metal-related creature,” he hums, then looks away irritably. “Ryu, who the fuck did I tell to put the dishes down and fuck off Rokuta?! No circus tricks in the bar! So what I'm saying is...” he rubs his temples nervously. “Anyway, your relationship with this guy is going to be a fucking headache for a year or two until he gets his head straightened out. So before you and him figure out your relationship, you need to answer the question “ do I really need this?” before you get involved in this again.”

Shogo looks at the bartender with a stunned expression. Yohei says...a damn sensible thing. When he and Kei first started dating the second time around, he seemed fully prepared for how much Kei's trauma had affected his life and personality. Overly anxious, overprotective of his position and reluctant to back away from it, unused to sharing his inner pain...

“The old man makes a good point.”

“I'm twenty-eight, you fucking brat.”

Shogo flinches, shifting her gaze sideways.

“Nayuta-san?”

Nayuta sits down at the bar, resting his shin on the thigh of his other leg.

“This Kei of yours sounds like a type I understand well. With him, you really need to decide if you want the brainfucking that your relationship will bring or not,” Nayuta's very gaze becomes the least bit sad as the sentence continues and falls on Shiki.

“... Personal experience?”

“That's none of your business,” Nayuta snorts. “By the way, if your boyfriend doesn't answer you like that, it's a good sign.”

Kei really doesn't answer him like that. On the contrary, he'd probably spilled everything that had been weighing on his heart today. Perhaps for the first time in his life.

Of course, that doesn't mean that Shogo is willing to overlook that line, but perhaps it shows that Kei values him and appreciates him.

Maybe it really will work out between them.

“That's a nice cheer you gave him.”

“It's not like it was my plan, but okay.”

“Thank you,” Shogo barely whispered it, looking at both of them gratefully. “You have no idea how much you both have helped me.”

Nayuta rolled his eyes, but smiled slightly.

At this time, the door to the bar is ajar and quiet voices are heard, one of which is familiar... even too familiar.

“Here we go again…” Yohei groans irritably. “Saimon, first you bring cats, now children?”

Next to the TCW leader stands... Kei. He looks at Shogo as confused as he is, looking so tender and fragile that he wants to jump out of his seat and hug him. And that feeling only intensifies when Shogo notices the wet paths of tears on his lover's cheeks.

Kei... was crying....

A lump formed in his throat. He would have definitely flipped out if Rokuta hadn't flown up to Kei with a hug earlier.

“Oh, Kei-chan, I didn't expect you to come!”

“I met with Saimon-san, and he invited me,” Kei gave his brother one of his most delicate and tender smiles, one hand hugging him and the other burrowing five fingers into the light pink strands that looked like they were made of cotton candy. “I won't be long, I promise.”

“Don't say that, Miyama-kun,” Saimon shakes his head. “You're welcome here.”

Yohei grumbles something about “speak for yourself,” but Shogo is close enough to hear it.

Nayuta is nearby, peering at two brothers with a little bit of curiosity. Probably because he's in the same group with his brother himself.

“Thank you, Saimon-san,” Kei smiled at him, but he opened his embrace with Rokuta and went straight to Shogo. He closes his eyes, inhales, exhales, opens them, and smiles uncertainly, holding out a beautiful, graceful palm, like everything about him. “Shogo, can we...talk?”

Before Shogo has time to think, his hand is already gently squeezing Kei's palm, running his thumb reverently over the back of it. Kei flinches and smiles embarrassedly, pulling Shogo with him toward the exit of the bar, and then into the small alleyway between the bar building and the one next door.

It's a little tight, so they're pressing right up against each other. But on the plus side, Shogo can literally feel Kei's heart racing. He's worried...

“Is this your master plan, Kei?” He tries to make a joke and looks at his lover's dumbfounded stare, then blushes and tries to pull away, but there's nowhere to go.

“I'm sorry. I just didn't want anyone to distract us,” his gaze slants a little to the side before he brings it back to Shogo's face and places his palms on his shoulders. Shogo's own hands come down to Kei's waist on their own.

This is impossible. As soon as Kei appeared and was in close proximity, the very thought of breaking up with him seemed like hell. Shogo wants to nuzzle into his neck, wants to whisper something in his ear and watch as it, so sensitive, blushes, and Kei begins to breathe louder and more often, wants to kiss his soft lips, wants to take him in his arms and never, ever let go....

He's going crazy, that's for sure. And the reason is Miyama Kei. He's so unbearable.

“I... understand,” Shogo squeezes out quietly.

Kei inhales deeply, causing his chest to rest against Shogo's even more, and then exhales.

“Shogo, I'm so sorry,” he clenches his shoulders harder. “I shouldn't have said those words, but I was so unwilling to accept reality and so unwilling to admit that I could-” his gentle voice trembled at the hesitation, “-hurt Rokuta without wanting to... That I was being overprotective instead of caring for him... And I took my anger out on you, even though you didn't deserve it.”

“You don't really think I'll... never understand you, do you?”

Kei shakes his head and wraps his arms around him, snuggling into his shoulder.

“No, of course not,” Kei looks up. His dark red lashes flutter, dabbing away tears. “You've always been attentive and caring. You've always tried to understand me, even though I've pushed you away for so long.”

Kei sounds so sincere it's impossible not to believe him.

“I understand if you don't forgive me. I bring so much trouble.”

What an unbearable fool he is. Shogo moves closer to his face and whispers softly:

“I'm going to kiss you now.”

“What?...”

“I'm going to kiss you now, that's what.”

Kei blinks confusedly for a second, just long enough to press lips against his own, pulling him as close to him as possible and digging his fingers into the soft peach hair. Goodness, it feels so good, Shogo wants to touch more and more... Especially when Kei himself gets a taste of it, responding just as insistently and lovingly (and maybe even a little more), clenching shoulders in his fingers and breathing noisily into the kiss with gentle echoes that sound so much like moans.

Shogo almost wants to press his back against the wall and pull Kei as close as he can to get his hand under his hoodie, to stroke his back gently like he loves so much, and to rip more of that angelic music off his lips, but he's stopped by the unillusory possibility that they'll get aroused right in that little gap between the two buildings, in one of which Kei's little brother is in.

A sobering thought.

With one last lick of his lover's lips, Shogo pulls away and smiles a little silly, probably, but absolutely happy.

“I know this isn't going to be the easiest relationship, but damn, Kei, I really love you. I want you to be happy, and I want to be one of the reasons you're happy. I want to fall asleep and wake up next to you. I want to witness your soul heal from all the sorrow you've suffered, I want to... Kei...?”

It takes him a long time to notice when Kei begins to tremble in his arms. Salty streaks run down his cheeks, and his eyes glisten like a dewdrop in the sunlight (sounds like a comparison Kei himself might use).

“Kei, you're... crying,” he finally finishes the sentence.

“You are, too,” Kei sniffles and touches his cheek gently with the palm of his hand, wiping away the moisture.

He didn't even realize when he started crying... When he was saying his heated monologue? When he'd kissed? Or maybe even before?

“So stupid…”

“Not true,” Kei smiles and touches the other cheek with his lips. It's so intimate it brings heat to his face... “You're always wonderful, Shogo. And when you cry, too. But still, I'll try not to be the cause of your tears anymore. I promise.”

“Then we'll try together?” Shogo extends his pinky.

“Pinkie swear?” Kei chuckles softly, but intertwines his pinky with Shogo's. “Yes. We'll do our best together. And whoever breaks the vow will eat a thousand needles.”

“He'll eat a thousand needles,” Shogo echoed, and then they looked at each other and giggled. Like children, really.

“And I'll also... I'll talk to Rokuta and Itsuki today.”

“About?..”

Kei smiles a little sadly:

“I'll try not to overprotect Rokuta so much. After all, if I want him to be happy, I have to... let him grow up.”

“And have to love yourself just a little bit more, Kei,” Shogo strokes his cheek, and Kei rubs against it gently, like an affectionate kitten.

“That's... the hardest part,” the smile on his lips turns a little crooked. “But I'll do my best.”

When they make their way out of the cramped alley, Shogo can't resist sharing another loving hug with Kei.

Kei is indeed going to have a hard time on his path to getting rid of his guilt. But it's not a path he'll be traveling alone, because he has Shogo.

And as today has shown, he's not the only one.

So... They'll definitely get through it.