Chapter Text
“Tai, do you have a dictionary?” Jackie ignored the stares and uncomfortable silence around her to stomp over to Taissa, who stood with a raised brow.
Her teammate’s face twisted. “Like, on me?”
Jackie jerkily nodded with clenched fists.
Tai glanced to her right at Van as if she could explain what was happening, but Tai received a confused shrug. “Jackie…why would I have a dictionary?”
She threw her arms down, frustrated, and leaned against the locker next to Tai’s with a groan. “She’s not even here, and she’s still making me lose my mind,” Jackie muttered into the metal.
Jackie could feel her teammates’ stare on her back, but for once she didn’t keep up appearances. She argued with her crush—she can admit that now—about Shauna’s lie, kissed her for the first time, and she manipulated Jackie like an idiot, all in under an hour. And now she has to go to practice and lead a group of girls like nothing was wrong.
She wonders if it was even worth this confusion and frustration. If she should keep up—whatever this was—with Shauna.
“Alright, you all got your show. Go to the field! Coach is waiting,” Tai said from where she still stood next to Jackie.
Jackie groaned into the locker door and felt the warmth from her breath heating it up under her face. She’s making a complete and utter fool of herself in front of the entire group of girls looking at her to lead them. This was pathetic.
She listened to the shuffling of feet and mutters of conversation as the team made their way out to the field. The frequent slamming and opening of the door as they all made their way out was distracting enough to keep Jackie’s thoughts at bay, and she wondered if she could have someone follow her around and bang on pots and pans so she wouldn’t have to think again.
When the last set of steps faded away, Jackie felt a hand grip her shoulder and twist her around.
Taissa examined her slumped over form with narrowed eyes. “Alright, enough of that. Tell me what’s got you twisted up like this.” She furrowed her brows and added, “And why you need a dictionary.”
Jackie looked up at Taissa with a miserable pout, and Tai rolled her eyes.
“What does gaslighting mean?” Jackie asked.
Tai stared at her, confused. “Gaslighting? Why are you askin”—Taissa cut herself with a shake of her head—“It’s when someone makes another person feel like they’re crazy by making them question their own reality.”
Jackie’s jaw clenched, and she glared into space. That bitch. Shauna really was trying to make her lose her goddamn mind. Why did Jackie have to have a crush on a crazy person?!
She pinched her brow, frustrated with herself.
Maybe Jackie was also a crazy person, because now that she knows what happened, she felt relieved. She wasn’t insane, she just had someone trying to make her insane on purpose. And Jackie was pissed about it, of course, but…
She thought about the feeling she had when Shauna kissed her. The way Shauna could make her laugh harder than anyone. The softness in Shauna’s gaze whenever she looked at Jackie.
Jackie had only known Shauna for a couple months now, and already she felt like she didn’t want to go a week without her. This was the first time in Jackie’s life she felt what it was like to truly want someone. Not impress someone, or hide beneath the veneer society tried to thrust upon her, but just plain desire and need of another person.
For days now, Jackie had been telling herself that she’d get these feelings and urges out in college, and then meet a nice boy to settle down with. But, now that she knows what it was like, knows what she’d been missing for years. Jackie didn’t think she could ever go back.
So, yes, she was very pissed off. There was lying and now manipulation on top of it, but Jackie still couldn’t bring herself to get out of Shauna’s orbit.
Jackie wondered what she should do.
Maybe she could gaslight Shauna to get her back for gaslighting her…
No, no, she doesn’t think she could do it. Not for moral reasons, Jackie just doesn’t think she could pull it off and make Shauna believe her.
She thought for a second about how Shauna needed to get therapy.
Jackie should probably get therapy, too.
Maybe they could go togeth—‘No! That’s really stupid! Why would we do that?’
A hand nudged her shoulder, and she glanced up to see Tai looking at her with worried eyes. “Jackie, seriously, are you okay?”
Jackie released a long, drawn-out sigh. “Shauna gaslighted me by saying I was gaslighting her.”
Taissa stared at her in silence.
She could hear the air conditioning inside the locker room blowing above them. The unit, however, was too small for the large space, so even at full blast Jackie could feel sweat dripping down her back from the humid warmth of the locker room.
“I was trying to think of something to say, but I honestly have no clue how to respond to that,” Taissa said.
Jackie shrugged. “That’s fair.”
Taissa put her hand to her forehead and turned toward the door. “Let’s just go to practice.”
Jackie followed Taissa out the locker room door, and said, “Thanks for getting everyone to leave, so I could calm down, by the way.”
Tai sighed. “Yeah, don’t mention it.” She glanced at Jackie out of the corner of her eye. “You should probably get a new tutor and stop hanging out with Shauna.”
Jackie nodded. “Yeah, I probably should.”
“But you’re not going to,” Taissa said with an annoyed breath.
“Nope.”
“Okay, good luck with that,” Tai said with rolled eyes.
“Thanks.”
Taissa released yet another long sigh and grabbed Jackie’s arm to stop her before they made it onto the field. “And, I guess, if anything else happens, you can tell me and I’ll go kick her ass for you or something.”
A smile broke out on Jackie’s face. Tai and her didn’t always get along, but she knew her teammate had her back.
“Thanks Tai.”
Taissa grumbled under her breath and picked at her shirt. “Yeah, don’t get used to it.”
Jackie’s grin widened, and they both stepped forward onto the crunchy grass toward a deep voice shouting, “And where the hell are Taylor and Turner?!”
Jackie made it through practice without another breakdown, and without doing laps, but it also gave her time to think.
For the moment, she had decided she would not cut Shauna out of her life, but she still couldn’t just let her believe it was ok to treat her like this.
And on top of that, Jackie needed to figure some things out about herself. She’s been running from this for years. Lying to herself, making up ridiculous excuses, and imagining a future that she knew her parents would approve of. Now, though, Jackie needed to understand what this feeling was.
Was this only something Shauna could do to her? Or…could any girl do the same?
Could Jackie have an explosion of colors burst through her skull just from the touch of another girl’s lips upon hers? Or have the heat that suffused her body at just their glancing touch. Could Jackie feel the need to pin down another girl and draw out as many types of noises from their throat that she could discover?
Or are all these reactions and feelings just for Shauna?
Jackie needed to know. And Jackie needed to teach Shauna a lesson.
And as she watched long tanned legs walk off the field at the end of practice, Jackie thought she may have an idea how to achieve both things at the same time.