Chapter Text
Coming back to Tokyo felt dark and heavy. I was afraid of what awaited me, what the consequences of introducing Genji to my children may be, was afraid of coming back to work, and afraid of Kabukicho and Genji's apartment. I wanted to be there with him all the time.
The first thing I did when I returned to his flat was check for his laundry.
There wasn't much, he barely owned anything, but none of it was in the closet and all of it scattered on the floor. Mostly underwear, of that he had a lot. Which made sense for someone who didn't know how to do laundry.
He really only had the things I had brought him from the dorm, and what my colleagues had returned to him after the investigation.
I found his gaming console. Blue and green on the sides, and there were only two games saved. One with a lot of cutesy anthropomorphic animals... Animal Crossing, and Pokémon, which I knew and had loved dearly when I was young.
I collected all the laundry I could find, including his bedsheets, only to discover that he didn't have a washing machine.
I knew that there was a housekeeping service in this building, the one Genji had so vehemently refused when offered by Hanzo. So, for the first time ever, I ordered this service for Genji.
"I have to show you something."
We had just dressed in our training attire, but he suddenly hurried off to the south wall of the living room.
"Come!"
I realised that there was an almost invisible door in the wallpaper, and he slid it open.
"Look!"
There was another, quite big, room.
"Oh! Wow..."
"It was empty, so I ordered tatami. We can train in here now, it even has a south window!"
The glass front did indeed reach around the corner of the building, letting in light from east as well as south now.
He showed me the traditional way to begin a training session, him taking the role of the sensei. I liked it. Having a ritual and a clear code of conduct allowed me to relax and focus much better. And seeing him take the lead and responsibility reassured me even more.
But even despite this, I couldn't help my thoughts from wandering.
Hana's first day of school was coming up. Unlike in my dream, I was definitely not going to bring Genji. If Haruka and Hiro saw him there, they'd freak out. They'd get me locked up, I was sure. And a chance at shared custody of the children I could also cancel in that case. So no.
"Hey. Where's your center?"
I was lacking focus, and Genji was such a good teacher. It wasn't fair of me.
"...Sorry."
He poked my stomach with his Jo. Then made one step closer and the other end was at my throat.
"Dead."
"Yeah..."
"Do you need a break?"
Thinking about what to answer, I forgot to answer him entirely.
"Koji?"
He carefully approached and took my Jo away, then tugged on my sleeve to make me sit down.
"What's wrong?"
It was already the third time today that I noticed I just couldn't enjoy our training together. I was trying so hard.
"I don't know. I'm really sorry."
Work would start again tomorrow. I was still convinced that they'd fire me.
But much worse than that were the band aids I had spotted on Genji's arms and feet earlier. He must've known I had seen, changing together like we always did. I was sure it was self inflicted. I didn't know what to do.
"Have you been going to therapy?"
"Uhuh."
"Yeah?"
"Ye-hesss!"
"How is it?"
He didn't look at me. We were kneeling to face each other, and so close that our knees touched.
"It's... nice. I guess. But really, really exhausting."
"I understand."
He began to laugh, I was confused.
"Like you would know! You were supposed to get therapy before I was even born!"
Did he have to stretch it like that?
"I have an appointment with Doctor Zenyatta."
"He was nice..."
"Yes. I told him about you. He didn't make me feel bad about it."
Genji was quiet. We attempted some training without the Jo.
"Good, again."
He grabbed my arm and expected me to do the move of which I had forgotten the name. A throw, one which I could only do on him and not the other way around, because he was the one who could fall safely. It looked more like flying, really.
He landed on the ground, and in that exact moment, his doorbell rang.
"What was that?"
He sat on the mat and looked genuinely surprised, even alarmed. He never had anyone ring his doorbell, not apart from me, that was true.
It must've been the housekeeping.
I observed how he tucked the open legs of his Hakama into some kind of sock he wore on his ankles, except that the foot part of the sock was missing.
Then, without getting up, he grabbed his Jo and said:
"Wait here."
He acted so strange that I just stood there and watched as he left to the living room, crawling on both feet and his free hand, the Jo in the other under his arm, rapidly sneaking up to the corner by the door. It looked like a spider, or a lizard, he moved so efficiently and without any sound.
The person by the door must've become impatient, rang again and called.
"Housekeeping!"
I hurried past Genji to open the door, because it didn't seem like he intended on doing it.
"Koji, wait-"
He whispered and tugged on my Hakama as I walked past, but I was at the door and opened.
"Good day, Shimada-sama. You ordered laundry service?"
I glanced over my shoulder at Genji, saw that he was standing now, with his Jo in hand and looking very suspicious. Then I smiled back at the housekeeper.
"Yes, exactly. One moment, I will get it quickly."
I went to Genji's bedroom, looked at him with a bit of warning that he shouldn't be so hostile, and handed the laundry basket to the man.
"This is all? We will contact you when it is dried, and, if you wish, you can let it be delivered back here, too."
"Thank you, have a nice day."
I closed the door.
"I didn't order housekeeping."
He sounded a bit spiteful.
"I did. Your laundry needed some attention."
"Hm."
"Are you alright? Did that scare you?"
It seemed he had been so ready for some kind of attack, and so suddenly.
"...No. You could've told me you were expecting someone..."
"I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
We went back and continued our training, though Genji was visibly unsettled throughout.
I came from work the next day, didn't even stop by my own place before heading to Genji's. It had been weeks since I last hadn't seen him for so long at a time.
They hadn't fired me.
It was already suspicious when Genji didn't open the door for me. I used my keys, panic rose in me with every second, I couldn't help thinking of those band aids on him, fear he may have done something worse. I searched his flat, trying to not expect the worst, thinking how I'd failed him because I just couldn't get to him, couldn't help him in a way that seemed to feel meaningful to him.
He wasn't there. The balcony doors were closed too. Then I saw that his shoes and keys were gone.
I let go of a deep breath I hadn't been aware I'd been holding. He probably just went out. To buy something or go partying.
The latter was reason enough to keep worrying, wasn't it?
So I went out to look for him. Maybe he was alright and I was being overprotective. In that case he'd surely be mad. I hadn't eaten yet, but I forgot everything as I took the painfully slow elevator all the way down.
I'd never find him if he went to some hotel. Love hotels... a euphemism, clearly.
But I found him quickly. So quickly in fact, that it seemed almost comical. He had just gone to the first place that sold alcohol, apparently. No three metres from his own doorstep.
It was dark when I entered, the music was loud. I could barely see, but it smelled all too familiar. I wanted to get out. That was when I spotted him, all alone, luckily, leaning against a wall and not really keeping himself upright.
I saw the way he was being looked at.
"Genji..."
I hurried, picked him up, and tried to get him outside this sweaty club.
"Koji, please..."
His voice was really weak, so pleading, he was drunk.
"Wait, no."
I could take his hands of my waistband just in time, before anyone had seen it.
"Please..."
I couldn't. Not like this.
"...Please..."
He didn't stop.
"I'll bring you home, alright?"
He held onto me like a kitten, clingy, pulling on my shirt, trying to get to my skin, I could tell.
It didn't leave me cold. But I couldn't. No matter if public or not. He was drunk.
"Please... Detective... please... you're so good, so warm... I want to suck your-"
I much more felt like crying.
"Be quiet! Please, Genji!"
It scared me, but my defence was already weak.
I dragged him into the elevator and then into his flat. He wouldn't let go of me, lose physical contact in any way, but that wasn't the issue.
Much rather did he pull me down with him, as I meant to put him down in his bed. No, no, not like this.
"No, Genji. Do it yourself or sleep it out."
Every boundary I set with him hurt. Even this. I wasn't young like him, wasn't so naive to believe it would be alright, it wouldn't become a problem, to think 'why not?' I knew what it would do. And I refused it.
"Kojiiii..."
His hands were so clumsy on me, so unlike his usual advances. He needed me, at least he felt that he did. He wanted me to engage because he thought that would ease his pain. It wouldn't help him.
"Koji... a kiss...?"
His leg was around mine as I stood uncomfortably, trying to get him to let go. One of my hands he also had claimed and held it in both of his, so tight that it hurt.
"Don't leave..."
He was sad. Afraid. Again, of abandonment.
"I'll stay if you want. But I won't... do that."
He giggled.
"So sad... you should really try to feel here..."
He tried to press my hand down to his crotch. He was hard, I could tell. I was admittedly impressed, given his state. Or maybe he wasn't as drunk as he acted.
"Genji... don't do that. You're making me uncomfortable."
He looked at me with big doe eyes.
"I want you to touch me, Koji... You're the only one I want... touch me, please..."
He said it while staring me deep into my eyes, while still clasping my hand tight, while still begging and whining and pushing. I was in so much pain.
"No. Do it yourself if you can't help it."
He grinned. He was an adult. It made me so uncomfortable.
"Wanna watch, hm...?"
I didn't. But he let go of my hand to reach for his penis.
I was ready to leave, but I noticed that he quickly ceased his efforts.
He looked at himself, unmoving.
"I don't want it."
"Aha. Then don't. I'll be in the kitchen, you should sleep."
"KOJI!"
He screamed as if I was already gone.
"Genji. Not so loud. What is it?"
I was beginning to feel my exhaustion.
"Koji... I'm sorry. Can we hug?"
Unbelievable. What a little asshole. He stood up, entirely secure, as if he hadn't had a drop.
He stepped towards me, then stumbled. I caught him. I had been so sure just now that it was only an act. But he was really limp. And so sad.
"Go to bed, Genji. We can hug tomorrow..."
We were already hugging. And I couldn't ignore this obvious need he had. Not for sex. For physical touch. Closeness. For someone to show him true affection, reliable affection, safety and love. For someone to protect him and catch him and hold him.
I lay him down in his bed, he was almost too heavy for me to lift, but I made it, undressed his shoes and then my own. I tucked him in, and, as I saw how calm and tired he was... unthreatening, I decided I could lie down next to him to continue our hug, to embrace him for a while to reassure him.
He was really so sure I wouldn't be there tomorrow, if he let me go now...
I hadn't had anything to drink. And I fell asleep so quickly. Then I woke up, the position was so unfamiliar.
His closeness was so comfortable, so warm, his scent so soft and nice. His hair brushed my face, my forehead, and my arm slung around his body, as if it was all it was ever meant to do.
In my drowsy state, I felt myself draw security from him, much more than I felt he could from me.
I was lucky, too far gone in my mind to realise the weight of me feeling for his body, stroking his arm, his hand, his shoulder and his head.
I loved him so much. It was not just a thought. It was a feeling that filled my entire being in this moment, that became the world, that meant everything suddenly. It was only warm and safe.
And then I was less lucky, when Genji woke up in the morning and I was still there, holding him.
We were fully dressed, there really was no need to worry, but I was too tired to react to his movements yet.
He must've noticed me, looked at me, observed me, then snuggled into my arms deeper, face buried in my chest, drawing calming breaths and radiating his heat to me. I was under his blanket too now, must've gotten cold in the night.
And I just pulled him close again, pressed him to my body, tried my best to wrap my arms all around him to leave no spot for him to feel exposed and afraid.
It wasn't the last time that happened.
Later that day I learned what it really was that had been troubling him.
"Koji?"
We were sitting at the breakfast table, which really was lunch, going by the time of day. I didn't have to work until tonight for a briefing.
"Why did you kiss me?"
I hadn't expected it. And I was stuck trying to find an answer.
"...I like you."
That's what I came up with.
"Really?"
He sounded cynical. Not like he wanted to know the reason, but like he wanted me to know that he didn't believe me.
"Yes. Of course. Didn't you notice?"
I had thought it was his wish too? Had I accidentally overstepped a boundary? Had I made him uncomfortable or forced him to something he didn't want?
"You don't even know what you really want, do you? Why did you even do that? Out of pity? Or because I just looked good to you in that moment? Did you think it would be fun? Did you do it only to disappoint me more?"
"What are you talking about?"
He looked mad. His brows furrowed and forehead full with tense creases, and his mouth formed to something like distaste or even hate.
"Why are you here? Why are you still in my life? You'll never be able to bear me. Just leave."
My heart burned and stung and I let go of the chopsticks, dropped them to the table and looked at him in disbelief.
"Genji! What are you saying? I kissed you because... because... I really want it. I have wanted it for so long and I still do. Please stop saying such things!"
He was about to make me cry.
"You have no idea. You don't understand anything. Why did you even think you should keep knowing me?"
There was no answer to that. It had just happened. Because I loved him too much not to.
"Genji... I just love you..."
"No, you don't. See? If I take this knife now..."
He lifted it up from the table, touched the blade with his other hand, before pointing it straight at me.
"...you'll be afraid. You don't love me, you don't trust me, and you think I'm crazy."
He held it to my throat, didn't touch me, but still. His eyes were fixed to mine, like there was something he wanted to draw out. He may try to kill me, is what I thought. He was crazy, it was true. But that didn't mean that he was bad or that I didn't love him.
"And you're right, you know. Look at me, pointing a knife at you. What reason do I have to do this other than being crazy? It's something crazy people do. You probably didn't even notice how you started liking me and now you feel like you can't get away."
"Genji, be quiet."
He shouldn't say such things.
"Quiet? Do you not like to hear the truth? Do you think this is a bluff? I'm only showing you how wrong you are. I don't want you to be surprised one day at who you spend so much time with. You even cook for me, the commitment, honestly..."
Why did he suddenly try to rip my heart out like this? What should I do? How could I stop him?
"I don't want to look at you one day and see just another life I supposedly destroyed, don't want to experience how you realise your mistake of knowing me and don't want to see your disgust. I don't need that. I know how disgusting I am. I like being left alone with it. In fact, watching people's opinions of me just pisses me off. SO MUCH."
"Genji. I'm not afraid. I'm also not disgusted."
I remembered the realisation I'd had about Hanzo. What Genji had told Hana about him. The way he was utterly convinced that people would be ashamed of him, so all he could do was humiliate them forcefully, or humiliate himself to pretend it's all his choice.
"Sure, I bet that's so easy for you. The way you just think it's all so nice and romantic, to kiss me in the bathhouse, to hang out with your children, you think you love me and you're so fucking blind that you can't see, I don't know what it even is! What makes one turn into such a vegetable?! I give you nothing! And you come here every day to check up on me? To waste your time and energy, you sacrifice your career, you stupid fucking asshole!"
He was shouting by now. I didn't understand. He must've been trying to push me away out of his fear... of intimacy. Of trust. Of happiness.
"Genji, listen to me. I don't give a fucking shit. I'll still be there. I know what you give me. I'm an adult, I know what I want and what I need. And trust me, I wouldn't be here if you were as shit as you say. You know what I thought? When I took you on vacation? I thought: Oh shit, I can't be doing this, because this man is a rapist and a killer. I can't let him close to my children."
I saw tears form in his eyes and quickly swell to run down his cheeks. He still looked at me with those eyes, the insanity, the despair, I couldn't bear it.
"But it turns out that I, as their actual father, wasn't there to help when my son fell and hurt himself, it was you. I wasn't even emotionally present to make them laugh a single time. That was you, and you did it non stop. I wasn't even brave enough to tell my parents that I'm not married anymore. But you know what?"
His hand dropped with the knife, he balled his fists and looked down, his tears dropping on his table in frequent, thick drops, forming a puddle on the wood.
"I decided I wanted to be with you, and never be ashamed of you. I desire you, I even think I'm unworthy of your attention because you're so great. Do with that what you want. But I've never been happier in my life. Before I met you, my life was fucking shit. I hated everything. So thank you."
I wanted to console him, embrace him, or at least stroke over his tense arm. But I was afraid. I didn't understand him yet.
It was really quiet for a while.
I thought so hard about what I could do for him. I just wanted him to get out of that turmoil.
"Genji? Do you want me to leave?"
He shook his head. I was so relieved.
"Would you like a hug?"
At first nothing, then a tiny nod, and a sniffle.
He was like petrified as I slung my arms around him from behind. I was careful, let my head down on his shoulder, then held him a bit closer. I didn't know what exactly he needed.
I smelled him again. And then I just waited.
"Thank you for not... having sex with me."
It sounded strange at first. But I quickly understood that he was talking about last night.
I didn't know what to say to that. A joke?
"You're welcome. It's been my pleasure."
I could tell that my soft chuckle provoked him to grin.
"I mean it. I didn't know... that it was... important."
I smiled.
"I did. No problem."
I pressed my head close to his body.
"Hanzo was right."
"About what?"
Genji mockingly imitated Hanzo's voice, but I noticed the perfect accent.
"*If you already have to pick such old men, at least learn from them.*"
He was fluent in Bushi Kotoba. Probably decided to drop it as he began to rebel against this family.
He chuckled. Then he sighed.
"Maybe."
I didn't know how to feel about it. My age, our age difference, and beside it, what kind of relationship was it that we had?
Back when Hanzo had said that, I wouldn't even have been able to imagine in my wildest dreams that I'd ever end up in a scenario like this.
Most of all I hadn't been able to imagine that I'd ever care for someone this way. So much.
Genji began to relax into my arms. His breath became deeper and slower again.
"You used to drink a lot, didn't you?"
Did I really look it that much?
"Yes... I did."
"Hm. I'm sorry I did that. I'm also really impressed. By how you handle it."
"...Thanks. But I lost my family because of it."
"No you didn't. I mean... maybe your wife."
"She moved on really quickly, huh..."
"She only has him to piss you off. But she seems a little mean."
"She's a good parent."
"I couldn't be the judge of that."
There was a pause, before I remembered his initial question.
"Why did you ask me that? Is it noticeable?"
"Hm? No! No... Hanzo used to drink when I still lived there. Because of me, of course."
I didn't know if I should be informed of such personal details.
"Oh."
"Now he smokes like a volcano."
"A chimney you mean?"
"Whatever."
I let him have my hug until he was ready to continue on his own again.
My therapy helped a great deal. I could understand him better. Although the therapist that Doctor Zenyatta had assigned me rarely ever really even said anything. She let me talk and just listened, and then usually I'd get my own ideas on how I could help Genji.
But he began to act a little more scary again lately.
"Koji!"
I came home to him... baking. Or attempting to.
"Hello Genji... what are you up to?"
It was a mess.
"I thought I'd bake cookies for us today!"
I had barely entered the kitchen when my mouth was already met with one of his creations.
"Try!"
The taste really wasn't too bad. A little sweet maybe. But the... visual factor... was what had caused me to press my mouth shut at first, trying not to let Genji push it inside. And the consistency was rather like a stone than anything edible.
"Mh... very... uh..."
"I know... but look, I'm going to make them green!"
I looked. He had prepared poison green glazing and dribbled and sprayed it in an impressive radius from the bowl all across the counter.
He was working with admirable energy, and never got frustrated, which I couldn't understand, given the complexity of the scene under his hands.
I let him finish whatever he wanted, then just began to clean the kitchen. It didn't bother me. I should've been annoyed by him, by his behaviour, but I rarely ever was.
He had taken a shower, smelled so good again and looked so fresh when he came walking into the kitchen, in only his jinbei, hair still damp and cheeks red.
I was scrubbing the sugar off the surfaces, too focused on his face as he stood there, looking down at the stove.
It was already too late once I began wondering what he was even doing there. I looked and found his hand deliberately placed on the stove. He didn't take it away. I was confused, put my own hand there to check if it was hot, because I hadn't turned it on. My hand immediately darted back, it was turned on and had burned me. Without taking a moment to think, I ripped Genji's hand away as well.
"What are you doing?! Are you insane?"
With a glance I saw that he'd turned the temperature all the way up, as I rushed his hand to the tap.
"Oh."
That's all he said. He showed neither a reaction to the pain nor my rough handling of him, just let it all happen.
As I saw how red his hand was under the water, I prayed that the burn may not be too bad, that he hadn't had his hand on there for much longer than I'd seen, and that it would heal well.
"Ow, it actually hurts..."
"Of course it hurts! You put it on the fucking stove."
I tried not to scream at him.
"Hm..."
He made a sound like he was thinking about that. Like it wasn't the first thing every child learns not to do because it hurts so much.
I inspected the hand, searched his house for some ointment to put on, and didn't find any. So I took him with me to the pharmacy downstairs, because I obviously couldn't leave him alone like this.
"Koji...?"
"Yes?"
We were in the elevator, and he kept close to me.
"Stop being so stressed."
"I'm not stressed. You need medical attention."
"Okay, Doctor~"
I got him the gel for his burn, and sterile bandages. The pharmacist said we should go to a doctor, I said 'perhaps', but I knew Genji would never.
He had picked the worst time to do this. Tomorrow would be Hana's big day, I had struggled enough to feel adequate to appear there next to Haruka and Hiro. But knowing Genji would be alone with his hurt hand and reckless ideas made it unbearable.
I came back the next morning to look after his wound and see to it that he would be occupied with gaming for the day. Sadly the burn was blistering.
"Thanks Koji. Say hello to Hana."
"I will."
Hana was so happy. About finally going to school, about me being there with her, and about Genji's regards. But her schoolbag wasn't green. She was disappointed, I could tell, though she tried to hide it. She wasn't one to complain. But it was blue, and blue wasn't green.
It was such a nice sunny day, maybe slightly too hot. As I looked around the school, I remembered how different it had looked in my dream, and as Hana had left to her first class, I noticed how alone I was.
I saw Haruka, didn't know how to make conversation after greeting her, or even whether I should stay around or rather act like we didn't know each other. I could also see that Hiro genuinely liked her. She really had brought him, wasn't she at least a little bit ashamed? Her paralegal...
I thought I hadn't been out so long, thought going to buy groceries was well within the amount of time I could leave Genji alone, but it all took longer than I thought and so, when I came home- no, came to Genji, at half past four, I found him in the training room.
"Genji?"
At first I was distracted by the very real, very sharp katana I had never seen and that he was wielding, but then I realised that he was holding it with both hands.
"Genji, doesn't that hurt?"
"Hey Koji!"
"You should leave it alone so it can heal."
"Hm."
I went away to put the groceries in the kitchen, and he eventually joined me. But he was quiet. Just sat around, looked lost in his thoughts, didn't look at anything in particular.
"How's your day been?"
"Hm."
He shrugged. And he immediately forgot that there was a conversation, so it seemed.
I tried again.
"Hana says she misses you. And Kaito said he kept your dragon drawing."
"Nice."
After that I stopped trying, but kept an eye on him. I folded his laundry, and put it in its dedicated closet for the first time.
"Imma go take a walk."
And then he left. I didn't feel great about it, but it wasn't like he couldn't take any responsibility for himself. He very much could. And I should stop feeling so protective of him. He was an adult, and a very capable one at that.
I just waited. There wasn't anything to do. Genji didn't even have a TV. So eventually I began preparing dinner, and some for tomorrow as well, as I'd be working late. I also mentally prepared for Genji to return home drunk again.
He did come back, of course, much unlike the fear I'd been feeling about having to search for him again.
"Genji? Dinner's ready, come."
"Hey."
No one with him, no obvious signs of intoxication. Maybe he was a little slow with untying his shoelaces? Or I was just imagining it.
He sat down at the table with me, said nothing, but gave me a look I didn't really know how to interpret.
He had some of the salad, asked for the salt, poured me some water, and wouldn't stop those glances. It was concerning, there was this glimmer in his eyes. One I think meant he was having some kind of secret fun.
Then he smiled. I looked at him, observed his behaviour like he was some kind of unknown species.
"Koji..."
He made eye contact, leaned closer, across the edge of the table.
"You look so handsome."
He was drunk.
"Are you drunk?"
"Eh... why? Can you tell?"
"...Yeah."
"Aw. I can barely even feel it. Hey!"
He jumped up from his seat, but then halted, bracing himself on the surface before fully standing up. It was only now setting in, huh? Had he been 'taking a walk', and then only had something to drink right before returning home? Why would he do that?
"Come, I want to show you something."
He went to the bedroom. I tried not to think about it too much. I was sure it was genuine. So I followed.
As soon as I was there, looking at him and waiting what it was that he wanted to show me, he just pulled his shirt over his head to now be topless. But he didn't do it seductively. He hadn't lost me yet, there was still hope. His back looked nice in the dim light.
"What did you want to show me?"
"Ah. I..."
He turned around to me and inclined his head.
"I... wanted to ask you..."
Now he came closer, one step at a time, eyes fixed to me.
"...if maybe... you'd like to kiss me again?"
Was this a plan he'd had for a while or just an idea on a whim again, to get physical with me because I'm around and he likes me but admitting that isn't really possible? Or because he doesn't like me and I'm just perfect as someone old and unattractive, and maybe an authority figure, to submit to for self deprecation? I could puke.
"Genji... It's... not personal but-"
"But what? I know you liked it. So let's do it again."
He touched my shoulder, his naked chest came close to mine, and so did his face.
"Don't worry. It's really time, don't you think?"
I said nothing, tried to politely take some distance.
"Don't you think you've waited long enough?"
"Genji, please. You're only making it difficult."
"Oh..."
He looked down, now both his hands were on me, one of them on my neck. He felt hot.
He grinned at me.
"Are you trying to grow a beard?"
I could smell the horrible scent of the alcohol from him, his eyes sparkled and his hand stroked the stubble on my cheek.
Genji's giggle was sweet, but it scared me.
"No... I didn't shave yet, sorry... does it bother you?"
I shouldn't have apologised for it. I didn't mean to be seduced. I wanted him so much, I felt that pull, but it would be so bad.
"No! I like it. Just like when we first met, right?"
I almost had time to remember, but his lips were already on mine, so quick. He held my head in his hands and kissed me as much as he could, I grabbed his wrists but my eyes also fell shut, I was trying to forget how wrong it was. My hands around his arms got loose, I felt his shoulders, his back... The sensation of his skin under my fingers and his tongue on my lips made me melt, filled me with this prickling excitement and let my body burn up in heat.
He was smiling, I tasted the sake in his mouth, I felt I could cry. I wanted to escape this terrifying chaos he brought, and that chaos that was so mesmerising and alluring and that drew me in and kept me and made me watch his every move, his every thought and...
"Forget what I said..."
His fingers slipped under the collar of my sweatshirt, the other hand pulled it out from my waistband and felt for my skin.
"I didn't mean it. We should sleep with each other now."
What he'd said?
*'Thank you for not... having sex with me.'*
I was shocked when I remembered now. Yes, I had done the right thing then. And I was doing the wrong thing now. He was drunk again, it was only getting worse.
"Fuck me, Koji. I want to feel you..."
He took my hand and put it on his hip, wanted me to slip into his underwear.
My breath got heavy, I felt petrified. He kept kissing me between his pleas, pulled me with him, we were already much closer to the bed than I could bear.
I tried to push myself away from him.
"Come, don't worry. I'm not that drunk. I want it, promise."
He made his voice sweet, which immediately threw me off completely.
"No. No, Genji. I can't do that."
"Aw. Relax..."
I felt how he became heavy, he was dropping himself to the bed and taking me with him.
"No. No!"
I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him off me. He fell down onto the bed, giggled, I took a step away and stared at him in shock.
"Yes... come. Look... do you like it?"
He held on to my trousers with one hand and tried to get out of his own with the other.
"No, Genji, stop!"
He looked at me with big eyes.
"Koji, don't worry, it's fine, really!"
"You're drunk!"
I tried to fight him, tried to pluck his hand off my clothes and instead ended up with it clasping mine tight.
"I want it, promise!"
I was afraid. He may have been stronger than me. I didn't want to find out.
"But I don't!"
I broke loose and saw his confused, pleading face before I ran out the door, before tears rolled out of my eyes. I grabbed my bag and left the flat, and I hurried to the train, back to my own home, my own tiny cold bed.
The whole way home, and still when I'd arrived, I couldn't grasp what had happened.
It hurt so much. I cried. I cried a lot. All night. Why did he have to do this? How was he feeling now?
I realised...
'*I want it!*'
'*But I don't!*'
...that I may have given him this feeling, the rejection that he had been waiting for, this one thing that would destroy him in the most profound way. But it wasn't that he wanted to sleep with me, was it? Was that what he was waiting for all this time? I thought about all the moments, his care for my children, training with him, everything he had done *except* when he was drunk, and thought it really couldn't be that that was the only thing he was waiting for, to have sex with me.
This intimacy had been so painful, so absolutely destructive. I had made it a million times worse by letting him kiss me, and I'd even liked it. I hated myself.
I was so afraid he would do something to himself. The way he had looked at me when I'd left... I didn't know what he felt about me, how important it really was to him what I thought and felt. But if he cared, it must have hurt him immeasurably.
Work was hell the next day. Nothing to do, except try not to cry, though Stein must definitely have noticed that I'd already cried all night anyway.
"You okay?"
"Not really."
"Can I do anything?"
"No. Thanks."
So I just kept sitting at my desk, had barely a sip from one out of my usual four daily coffees.
But there was one thing I had meant to do here today. It was illegal, theft, but I didn't feel bad enough about it. I stole a set of urine quick tests. Yes, for Genji, and this is what I did feel bad about. I didn't want to be controlling. I just had to know if there was something else that he was doing to himself, another explanation for his behaviour.
Later, when everyone had gathered their evidence, it was my turn. Some case in... Kabukicho. A robbery. In a love hotel. I scoffed.
"Fuck my life."
I breathed it out, sighed, then got up. I felt so heavy. Like my body wasn't made to move. I couldn't stop thinking about Genji. After my way too many worried messages, he'd replied once to say: 'I'm fine, don't worry.'
*Don't worry*, exactly what he'd said when he had been trying to talk me into sleeping with him.
Hell. It really felt like I had gotten out of something there, something dangerous or... something I didn't consent to. I never ever in my life wanted to experience such a thing with him. Not with anyone, but especially not with him.
I just wanted to know Genji, wanted to see him, but this influence he put himself under, always getting drunk, I felt it hid him away, stole him from my chance to finally understand and see all of him.
It must have been what Haruka had experienced with me, never being myself, always being somehow... well just drunk. Gone. Unreliable and threatening and estranged.
I dragged myself to the car, Stein was driving.
"The witness is the barman, an Omnic. The bar at the base of the hotel got robbed last night, forensics spent their day there, we're just supposed to question the bartender again."
"Sure. Thanks."
"Ishikawa... my I note-"
"What."
"You really look shit. What even happened? Someone die?"
I sighed, maybe huffed.
"Nah. Doesn't matter. Half as bad."
"Hm."
"I'm just sentimental. Can't be a surprise to you."
"I guess..."
It was honestly shit to come here and not be allowed to stop by Genji's place. He must have been having a horrible time. I felt so guilty. I couldn't think about anything else as we entered that bar.
As soon as I'd come home to him I'd just hug him all night and apologise and work however hard I could on restoring his trust in me and convincing him that I didn't hate him.
"And this is Detective Ishikawa."
Stein pulled me back to reality.
We had to question the omnic. He was amazingly normal. His report was boring. Stein wrote everything down, I looked around, but the scene was cleaned, of course.
I needed to see Genji. I could *feel* how close he was. I needed to see him!
Fuck. I bit my lip.
Stein came to me and we left the bar, the building, we were on the street and it was full of 'customers'. I had heard none of what she said.
"Koji! Goddamnit. What the hell is going on?"
"Uh... I... let's... go over there for a break."
I pointed at a side alley that was less busy. I just needed to stand, the crowd made me dizzy.
"So?"
"What?"
"What's going on with you? Maybe it would help to talk?"
I thought about how my problem was so far from anything I could ever tell her, thought about how wrong I felt with this armband of mine, '*Keiji*', and I saw hers, '*Keiji-ho*', thought how it was all such a joke, so meaningless, and in that moment I heard it.
My head darted up from my slouched position, I tried to hear better, tried to find out if I was only hallucinating because I missed him so much.
No, really.
Among all the noise, the chatter, music, advertisements, I heard something like a cheer in the distance.
"Genji! Genji! Genji! Genji! Genji! ..."
My heart dropped, I started sweating cold. I didn't even grant Lena another look before I ran off, as fast as I could into the direction this sound was coming from.
"Wait! What are you doing! Ishikawa!!"
No one was called Genji these days. It was him they meant, no doubt. What was he doing that people would cheer him on? It could only be something risky. I hated it. I was shivering, but I ran faster than I even knew I could.
Finally I arrived at the establishment that these cheers were coming from.
"Genji! Genji! Genji! Woooohoo! Yeaaahhhh!"
I was so scared for him. And I could make out now that it didn't sound like a nice crowd.
I pushed aside the people by the entrance, squeezed myself through the door and the crowd inside, until I entered a room. It looked like a room that was supposed to play loud music, but it was rather quiet compared to the voices.
There were men with bottles and glasses, darkness, and showy lights, but I didn't see Genji.
"Hey, let me through."
Now I finally saw where the crowd at formed around something, which presumably was Genji.
"Out of the way!"
I tried to dig through the big bodies, they were disgusting.
And even despite that, and despite everything I had feared could be going on here, the reality was still worse. So bad in fact, that I thought it would be the last time I could go through something like this and not die from my pain and disgust and helplessness.
Once I had come close enough, I saw what it was that was going on here.
Genji was there, yes, he was laying down on a table and... and let... he let all these strangers look at him and touch him, grope him, and I could only imagine what else. They were saying things to him, disgusting things, they loved to have someone so nice and beautiful and young to take advantage of, they cheered and howled and their hands were all over him, everywhere, no boundaries, one was kissing his hands, another had his hand inside Genji's trousers, and many of them up his thighs and chest.
"Get off of him!"
I sounded weak. I sounded angry, but I didn't sound strong and manly like them, so they ignored me, except some ones who looked at me and laughed.
"Uh-oh... Genji's dad is here!"
Like it was a joke, like there was any irony in this situation to begin with.
And why did they always have to call me his dad? We can't have looked that similar.
Genji's shirt was barely still on him, most of his stomach and chest were exposed and then not, because they were covered in seeking, hungry claws.
I was an absolute hick, whereas he was a pale, soft skinned, beautiful prince who had never seen too much sun in his whole entire life, had obviously grown up in a castle and-
"Fuck off, table's full."
"He's mine."
I just said, without thinking. A reflex, adapting to their manners. No, he wasn't mine. I felt horrible. He needed to get out of here.
"Koji... I've missed you. Come... closer..."
No. Never.
I stood by the table, looked at Genji who was smiling, who was apparently enjoying the attention and the humiliation of being spread out on this billiard table, covered in greedy hands and preying gazes and their spilled beverages, at the very least.
These people were tackling me with their elbows and hips and even pulled me back so that they could get their spot in the front row.
Genji extended an arm towards me, a weak smile on his lips. I thought I'd take his hand, touched his fingers, but then someone else took it away from me.
I was petrified. I saw them, saw what they were doing on him. And I finally lost my nerves.
I climbed onto some other table, where there was no one because they were all on Genji. And then I drew my gun. Yes, I had just run away from work, that's how bad it was. I was finally really fucking angry.
I aimed my weapon at the ceiling.
"Hey!"
And the shot tore through the thick darkness like through a heavy fabric.
Now the music stopped, so did their chatter and drooling cheers, and their heads turned to look at me.
"I said, get off of him."
Really, most of them slowly stepped away.
The rest needed another invitation, which I gave them by pointing my gun away from the ceiling and into their direction. Now they were scared.
I didn't care, Genji was free, I could bring him home now.
I jumped off the table, felt my bad leg again, but ignored it. I hurried over to Genji, who still smiled at me, but seemed somehow tired. He had been talking just fine before, but was he drugged? He didn't seem drunk.
I bowed over him, looked at his face and body, dressed him properly and then realised he wasn't going to walk. He seemed so tired, in fact, that he could barely keep his eyes open.
"Genji? Are you alright? Can you please say something?"
The predators were watching us.
"Mh."
Well. At least something, I thought. I picked him up. He was heavy, but it was alright.
Then I just left with him. I carried him on my arms, first in the front, then I had to change and take him on my back because my arms got weak.
We left the club, went about 20 metres down the street, where there was Lena waiting.
I stopped, hunched over to keep Genji on my back and plucked my holster off my body. Then I pulled my badge from my jacket.
"Ishikawa, what the FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"
"I quit!"
I pressed both into her, she had to hold on to them, and just walked past her, holding Genji tight and safe on my back.
"What the hell do you mean 'you quit'?"
"My job, Lena! I'm quitting my job! I don't want to be a detective anymore. Good night!"
She was shouting after me.
"Is that the Shimada?! Are you insane?! Do you want a date with the commissioner? Koji, what the hell..."
And so on, her voice faded as I walked off.
None of it mattered, I had to bring Genji home, had to see he was alright.
Had he done this to test if I would come for him? To test my loyalty and concern again? He was destroying everything. I just wanted to trust him, he made it impossible.
But my next realisation was worse. As the elevator doors closed, I remembered that I'd been here by coincidence, my shift still wasn't over, and he had known that. He'd known I wouldn't be there for another three hours.
So he had really done it, hoping to be left alone there, to be exploited by those fucking shits until god knows how far that would've gone? Until I'd find him in the gutters again? Was he trying to get raped?
I felt angry, still. And so shocked as I realised that the answer to my question was probably actually yes. Yes, he had been trying to get raped. He had gone out to do something so risky, explicitly because he wanted to have the consequences.
I heard his breath by my ear, almost like a child, so calm and drowsy.
"Genji?"
I sat him down on the kitchen counter to inspect him.
"Genji, how are you?"
He just stared at me, eyes wide, but seemed far away.
I looked at his eyes, the pupils looked okay. Then his mouth, it didn't smell like anything.
But his body... I only needed a glance to feel the filth creep up my spine. What had they done to him?
"Genji, can you wash yourself? Do you want my help?"
He looked.
"Please say something."
"...Yes."
Now that was not a clear answer.
"Can you do it alone?"
I looked into his eyes, tried to somehow have his attention.
Then he moved his mouth, and then shook his head.
"Okay. I will shower you."
And so I did.
I felt like I wasn't even allowed to touch him, much less undress him. He helped a little, but was mostly quite limp.
"I need to pee."
Now of all times, where he was fully naked already?
But I had an idea then, quickly looked around, still holding him in my arms, and found a cup, the one he usually kept his toothbrush in.
"Could you make in here? Only a bit."
I sat him down on the toilet, he took the cup.
"Sure. Why? ...I'm not high."
He sounded too indifferent towards everything.
"Still. Thank you."
"Uhuh..."
He did it, his fingers held the cup and his grip was loose but he managed it.
"Hmmmm..."
He looked at it.
"There you go. Don't drink it."
His voice was monotonous, quiet, dry. Utterly unfitting for attempting a joke. I took the sample and put it aside.
He trotted into the shower by himself.
"Cold."
The water was hot. I had to undress too, so that I could go under the water with him. He was shivering. I thought about how we'd gotten here, and it broke my heart.
I washed him, carefully, his soap smelled like ginger and pine, and lemongrass, I noticed. It was the one I'd always liked so much since he'd let me shower here once. The one that smelled like him. It was the most basic drug store soap he could've gotten, and still.
"Thanks."
I thought I'd only imagined it under the water. But he had thanked me, and he even held on to me a little bit, though still shivering.
"Of course."
I looked down at his wet head, the water was almost too hot to still be comfortable, and the bathroom filled with steam. The light was always so low in here, and the sound of water on tiles echoed like in a dark cave.
I had difficulty suppressing my tears, until eventually I thought they were running, but I couldn't tell under the water, and Genji wouldn't either. I was glad about that.
He just stood, let me clean him, didn't look. His hair pitch black as always, his skin pale and hot, and there were wounds on him, the burned hand, yes, but then on his arms, scrapes or cuts, and a bruise, too. All self inflicted? My heart felt like it was drowning.
I carefully wrapped my arms around him, his shoulders, not lower, and just pulled him close. I pressed him to my chest, his head next to mine, and just held him so tight. I was really crying now, not just tears, he may have noticed the shaking of my body, but I just wanted him to be here and nowhere else.
Why did he have to be so cruel to himself? Why couldn't he ever just ask for help? Just a hug, or a call... anything, I'd do anything to help him.
"Can you do the rest yourself?"
I didn't want to touch him there, where it had already been too much when we'd met at the hospital.
"Yeah..."
So he did it, quickly washed between his legs, and then looked at me to signal he was ready.
I turned off the water, gave him a towel, he was freezing again. I wrapped him in his bathrobe and tucked him into bed, before I went to prepare a hot water bottle. All these things I had brought here over time, that he would never have gotten for himself.
I couldn't get rid of this question. Why had he done that?
It kept asking me in my head, why had he done that? Did he like it? Did it arouse him? Did he do it to destroy himself after I'd rejected him? Because of me? Was I the reason? Had I been too controlling, causing him to rebel again? I poured the hot water into the bottle. Had he been drugged?
I remembered my stolen test strips. I couldn't believe that it had been so easy to steal them. And then I remembered work. I had just left. *Just left*. I hadn't officially quit my job yet, but it was impossible to go back. I had no idea how else I should make money or where to work, but that was all so irrelevant now.
On my way to the bathroom, I brought Genji his hot water bottle.
"Thanks."
Then I tested him for all kinds of things that were detectible in urine. Alcohol, cannabis, opioids, cocaine, my throat clogged at the thought of all the ways in which he could slowly kill himself, amphetamines, and benzodiazepines.
"Are you testing my piss, Koji?"
He called from the bedroom, sounded much better already.
"I am. Please don't hold it against me."
"You stole those from your workplace."
"I did."
The first three were already negative.
"Naughty."
"I guess."
And the others too, now there was only the cocaine one left.
"You quit. Or did I dream that?"
Also negative. I was surprised, confused, and of course relieved. And then worried again, because what else would cause such behaviour?
"I... may have shouted at my colleague, yes... And you really didn't take anything, hm?"
I poured the sample into the toiled and flushed it, tossed the strips to the trash, washed my hands and came walking out into his bedroom again.
"Told you so."
His bed was so big, bigger even than a typical one for two people.
"I'm glad. How are you feeling."
"Hm."
He averted his gaze.
"I'll stay over night. ...If that's okay."
"Yeah."
I walked away, prepared the couch, thought, I was so sad. My heart had been ripped out. I couldn't stop seeing him on that table, those hands on him, couldn't stop hearing their voices.
I felt such a desperate need to do something for him. Anything nice.
I had a look into the fridge and saw that he had eaten the food I'd made for him. I was very glad. Then I decided that a tea would be the gesture. He loved lemon tea, and green tea, and so I made a mix of both, which was bold but only in his interest, I was sure. I placed the pot and the cup on the little tray and brought it to his bedside.
"Here, I made tea for you."
"Oh..."
He was playing this game on his console. But now he looked at me.
"Thank you so much."
I didn't know what to do. I walked around the bed, asked:
"Is the hot water bottle still warm enough? Do you need a new one?"
"It's perfect. Thank you."
I kept standing there, I realised I couldn't leave him alone, not even be separated by a room. That was inappropriate. He would be just fine, like every night.
"You..."
Genji had turned and observed me.
"...can sleep in the bed if you want."
I stared at the empty half of the bed. No. Yes? No, he didn't need that. I didn't need that. I was also afraid that... that the closeness would become difficult again...
"I promise I won't do anything."
It stung in my chest. No, no he shouldn't... feel that way, I didn't want him to feel like he was responsible for me being uncomfortable. I didn't want him to think I felt repelled by him.
Genji spread the large blanket out over the whole bed, showing me that there was space, that he was inviting me.
"If you want."
He added that to make it seem more casual.
"Yes."
I did. So I just slipped out of my loafers and joined him. I sat at first, then Genji turned off his gaming console and the lights and lay down fully.
His blanket was fluffy and light, and really big.
"Can I hug you?"
I couldn't react. Once his request had reached my brain I didn't know how much time had passed. I looked at him in the dark. His face was turned towards me, his hands held the blanket up to his chin.
"...Yes... yes, of course."
Ans so I also lay down, offered him to be in my arm, and he slung his around me, his head by my chest and his breath steady and calm.
I didn't know how to feel, I was incredibly happy, I was so, so relieved that he showed trust, my heart beat heavy and fast, and I hoped it wouldn't wake him. He had already fallen asleep.
Only when I noticed I had stared at the dark ceiling with wide eyes, muscles tense, I began to breathe again. And only when I turned my head then, to see his hair and smell him in my arm, I knew that I, too, could fall asleep now.