Chapter Text
“I’m sorry, I just don't think it would help you at all," Ellie says, digging into her bag. Finding what she's looking for, she pulls it out. “I have a letter and a knife; it’s from my mom.”
A pain suddenly twists in Tess’s chest: a letter and a knife from her mother. There's no way, it's so unlikely, that fate could have possibly struck so acutely. She holds out a shaking hand and asks, her voice choked, “Can I see them?”
“Sure,” Ellie says, lifting her brow at Tess’s trembling palm. “But, like, are you okay?”
“I'm fine. Just– just can I see them?”
Ellie hands them over, and Tess wraps her fingers around the cold metal, feeling the shape of the pocket knife in her hand.
It has a dark wood handle and gold accents. As she flips open the blade, she sees the three running horses on its surface. Slowly, she runs her finger along the images.
Joel moves up behind her, and his gaze falls upon the blade. With a strangled gasp, he reaches down and takes the knife from her unresisting palm, “Where did you get this?” He looks to Ellie, his voice sharp.
“Marlene gave it to me.”
Joel's jaw twitches, and his fingers tighten on the blade's handle. Tess still holds the letter in her hand, folded several times. The edges soft with wear and time. She carefully opens it until she can see the faded letters on the page. But she already knows what it says, the words written inside her brain since the day she put pen to paper.
“Tess, what does the note say?” Joel asks, his voice tightening, making Tess afraid to look at him.
“Dude, you look like you saw a fucking ghost,” Ellie says, looking at Joel.
“It’s because I have,” Joel rasps. He grabs Tess’s arm and gently but firmly pulls her up. “Tess, what does the note say?”
“Joel… it was an accident, you weren’t—she was supposed to…” Tess stutters. Her lips feel numb. Cold dread washes over her as his eyes drag across her face.
“You said this got taken, you got jumped on a run, and it was lost,” Joel shakes the knife under her nose, his fingers tightening on her arm. Tess yanks herself away from him, stumbling back. Her back slams against the dining room table, knocking the breath from her lungs. Gasping, she leans over, wrapping her arms around her middle.
“I just– I just need a minute.” Joel steps forward, the anger in his eyes softening slightly, but Tess puts her hand up, “Please, Joel, just… fucking give me a minute.” She pants, digging her fingers into her chest.
Marlene was supposed to get her somewhere safe.
—
Joel feels his world spinning off its axis. Why does the kid have his knife? Why does Tess look like she's about to pass out or throw up? And what the fuck does the goddamn note say?
“How did Marlene get this knife?” Joel asks, turning to Ellie.
“She said my mom left it for me.”
“How the fuck did your mom get it?” Joel spits through gritted teeth.
“Dude, I don't fucking know. Maybe she was the one who jumped Tess, or maybe she bought it off the people who did. How the hell am I supposed to know?” Ellie hisses.
“Well, didn't Marlene tell you anything?”
“No, Man. I got to talk to her for like five fucking seconds before Robert got there and shot up the place. She didn't exactly have time to give me my mom's whole life story.”
“Christ,” Joel spins back to Tess, who's still bent over, her hands on her knees. “Tess, what does the note say?”
Tess leans back against the table, her eyes closed tight, her jaw clenching. She holds out her hand blindly, the paper held between two fingers. Joel reaches for it, an unknown dread creeping beneath his skin when his fingers brush the softened paper. It reads:
Bug,
Part of me didn't want to write this letter. Figured it would be better if you never learned anything about who your parents were, but another part of me realized how unfair that would be to you.
You deserve to know that while you were unexpected, unplanned for, you were not unloved. Unfortunately, this is a pretty messed up world, and you got saddled with two extremely damaged people as parents, two people who could barely take care of themselves, let alone raise a child.
So, the most loving thing I could do for you is let you go.
I wish things could have been different, that we could have been different for you, and I’m sorry for that.
Marlene will get you to people who will love you like you deserve to be loved. She’s always been fighting for a better world for everyone. She'll make sure you're taken care of, better than we ever could.
I just need you to know that life is worth living. It’s shitty, and it's hard, and it’s messy, but there will be people worth fighting for. So find your people and live for them, fight for them.
Looking at you now, I see so much of myself and your father in you. So strong, so brave, so determined. You have the best of both of us, and I hope that will help you become the woman you are meant to be.
Someone who shoots for the stars.
Joel reads the words on the page, and his heart stutters in his chest as he recognizes the handwriting he’s seen so many times before. “Tess… I don’t… I don’t understand.” He looks at the knife, then the letter, and then he looks at the girl, and a conversation sparks in his memory.
“How old are you?”
“Fourteen.”
Fourteen, fourteen. The number spins in his mind, dancing amongst his clouded thoughts. Fourteen. What does that number mean to him? Why is it setting off alarm bells?
“Fourteen years ago, you and I… you left. We were fightin’ and you said you needed some time to yourself. Just needed space and to not see my stupid fuckin’ face for a little while. Fourteen years…” He stops his gaze, lighting on Tess's bowed head. “You left in the winter of 08, didn’t see you again until the end of the following summer.” He looks at the letter again, the blue lines on the page faded, “You never said where you’d gone, I was honestly just so happy to see you again, I never asked, I never… I never… Tess?” He asked, and her name came out of his mouth, torn, ripped, and broken.
Tess sighs, her fingers gripping the table's edge so hard her knuckles turn white. “I didn’t know how to tell you, Joel. I didn’t know what to say.”
“Before or after Tess?”
“What?”
“I mean . You didn’t know what to say before you went away to give birth to our baby without tellin’ me and then gave her away to the Fireflies or after when you decided to come back to me.” Joel says, tone smooth, cold. “Because you sure as hell weren’t at that market by chance. That ain’t you. If you wanted to keep avoidin’ me, you would’ve. You wanted to see me again. You wanted to come back.”
“Of course, I did, of course . We always fought, but then we always figured it out, just this time–”
“This time, you needed time to give birth to a baby and recover. Needed to make sure that when you came back to me there would be no hint of what had happened, what you’d done.”
“What I’d done?”
“Yes, what you did.”
“Joel, what did you expect me to do?”
“I don’t know, fuckin’ tell me you’re pregnant so we could take care of it. Maybe not keep it a secret so you can go off and have it alone. I don’t know , maybe somethin’ like that!”
“Do you think I wanted that? What do you think I was trying to do? I wasn’t looking to have a baby.”
“Weren’t you? Why else wouldn’t you tell me.” Joel spits.
“Because it was too late, you idiot. I didn’t find out till it was too late.”
Joel scoffs, turning his back to her, “No way, no way.” He shakes his head.
“Yes, Joel, Yes. Do you remember that year? Because I fucking do, I remember the food shortages, the string of bad jobs, the barely scraping by by the skin of our teeth,” Now it’s Tess’s turn to scoff, “But what am I thinking? You probably don’t remember. You were too busy drowning yourself in booze and pills to remember much of anything.”
Joel turns back to her slowly, one hand on his hip, the other pointing a finger in her direction. “That ain’t fair… you know… you know,” he sputters.
“Of course , I know, Joel.” she yells, “But if you’re going to try and call me to task for something, then you better be ready to face your part in it.”
Joel drops his finger and lets the anger run out of him. It’s no use, she’s right. He has no right to be yelling at her for this. There’s so much wrong here, but her not realizing she was pregnant is not something she could have controlled. “I’m sorry, I should’nt’ve… I know what we were goin’ through. It weren’t right of me to say that.”
“No, it wasn’t, but I understand,” Tess says, her tone softening.
Joel looks down at the floor. Tommy had just left them, and it was the 5th anniversary of Sarah’s death. Joel was not taking it well. It was one of the darker periods of his life. He honestly doesn’t remember a lot of that year, lost to the drugs and alcohol. So he understands why she didn’t figure it out right away. But what Joel still can’t understand is why she didn't say anything to him. Sure, they had their issues, but he wouldn’t have kicked her out, he wouldn’t have gotten mad, he would have helped her, and they would’ve figured it out together.
“Tess, why didn’t ya tell me?”
“I couldn’t take it, Joel. I just couldn’t face you and hear you say it.”
“Say what?”
“That you wanted to keep it.”
“What?” Joel asks, confused.
“I know you, Joel. I know you would have wanted to try and keep the baby,”
“Of course.”
“And that’s why I didn’t tell you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Joel, please don’t make me say it.”
“Say what?” He asks, anger curling in his gut once more. She tuts and rolls her eyes. “No, Tess, no. Say it.”
“That you were in no place to take care of a child, that neither of us was in a place to care for a child.”
“I woulda pulled it together–” Joel starts.
Tess snorts, “Oh, you would have, would you. You would’ve gotten off the pills, would’ve stopped the fighting and drinking? The uncontrolled spiral of self-destruction you seemed to be set on? You would have stopped all that so you could raise a baby you didn’t plan on with a woman you could barely look at?”
“Tess, that ain’t fair. It ain’t–” He huffs and starts pacing, “You and me, like ya said, we had our ups and downs, but we would’ve– I wouldn’t’ve held it against you.”
“No? You have to be joking.” She says flippantly.
“It weren’t just you; we were both to blame. It was on us. I wouldn’t’ve blamed you.” he presses his hands against the fireplace's mantle, and his gaze sweeps over the photographs of the long dead littering the surface. “I would’ve gotten myself dried out, gotten clean. I wouldn’t’ve made you do it alone.”
“Joel, even if you had, what could we have offered her? A shitty one-bedroom apartment, no food, both of us risking our lives every day smuggling and dealing?”
“We coulda gone straight, tried to walk the straight and narrow.”
“Then we would have starved that much sooner. We only made it out of those years alive because of the smuggling.”
“Well, we would’ve been a damn sight better than Marlene shufflin’ her off to a Fedra orphanage.”
At this, Tess shifts, her anger finally pulling her body tight against the table. “That wasn’t the deal. She was supposed to get her off to one of the farms. There were families there who could have taken her and given her a chance to see a world outside the walls of the QZ. I don’t know what happened.”
“It was Marlene, for god's sake, Tess. How could you trust her?”
“I didn’t have a whole lot of choices. We had history, she promised me, she fucking promised me.” Tess hisses.
Tess goes silent, and Joel takes a moment to really think about all this, to let it settle under his skin. He and Tess have a daughter, and she's sitting right in this room. He turns to the chair she was in, and it’s empty.
“Shit, the kid.” He spins, searching the room for any sign of her, but she's gone. Tess immediately turns to where Ellie was and swears.
“Fuck, fuck.” She rushes to the front hall and swears again. “She left the door open.”
“She don't have the gate code. Can't have gone far. We'll find ‘er.”
“What the hell were we thinking doing that in front of her?”
“We weren't thinkin’ that's the problem.” Joel sighs, running a hand down his face, “I’ll take the east side, you get the west.”
“Got it. Meet back here?” She asks tentatively, reaching a hand out to rest on his arm.
He reaches up and gently squeezes it, saying, “Yeah, meet back here.” Then they’re off, calling Ellie’s name as they go.
They search the town and find nothing.
“Christ, where the hell did she go?” Joel wheezes, leaning over, hands on his knees.
“She’s just found some hole to climb into; she’ll have to come out eventually.” Tess speculates, flexing her ankle where it’s starting to ache. “You didn’t see any holes in the fence, did you?”
“No.” Joel stands up, holding a hand to his burning side. “You don’t think she’d try to climb it, do ya?”
“No, I don’t.” They’ve looked everywhere, except… “Wait.” Tess rushes up the stairs, throws open the door, and calls, “Ellie! Kid, you answer me right now.” There’s no response. Tess groans and starts up the stairs, mumbling, “You better be up here.”
She rounds the banister, and sure enough, the door to the guest bedroom is closed. Earlier, when they’d searched the house, it was open.
“Tess? What are you doin’?” Joel calls from downstairs.
“She’s up here. She never left the damn house.” She goes to the door and tries the handle, it doesn’t move. Sighing, she gently knocks. “Kid, open up.”
“No.” Her muffled voice answers from inside. Tess takes a deep breath and leans her head against the wood. She hears Joel come up behind her; he huffs and raps his knuckles against the door.
“C’mon, Ellie, We need to talk.”
“About what? About how she gave me up, and you didn’t even know I existed, and that neither of you really wanted me anyway. Seems pretty straightforward. What's there to talk about?”
“Ellie, please,” Tess softens her voice to a tone she has used for over a decade. She’s rusty, not used to talking down an angry, hurt kid. “We have to talk about this.” Silence, “Kid, we’re stuck together, whether you like it or not, we’re going to have to deal with it.”
She hears movement on the other side, but the door doesn’t open. Finally, Ellie answers, her voice closer. “Can you just leave me alone? I just– I need some time.”
“Ellie,” Tess starts, her tone impatient, but Joel shakes his head quickly. Sighing and rolling her eyes, she steps away and gestures to the door, mouthing, ‘Go ahead.’
Placing his palm on the door, he slows his breathing. “Kid, we’re sorry you had to hear all that. We got some things we gotta work out between us, but we shouldn’t’ve done it in front of you. You don’t deserve that.”
Tess hears a snort from the other side of the door, “Well, that’s real fucking nice of you to say, but it doesn’t change anything. You still– fucking– you still didn’t want me.” There’s more shuffling and what sounds suspiciously like a sniff, and then Ellie asks quietly, “Can you both just leave me alone? Please? It’s not like I can go anywhere.”
The muscle in Joel’s jaw feathers as he curls his hand into a fist on the door, his brow pulling down, eyes closing in frustration. Tess expects him to bristle or demand that she come out, but his face smooths, his shoulders loosen, and his hand goes soft again on the wood. With a low, almost gentle voice, he says, “Alright, alright. We’ll leave ya be for a little while.” He turns away from the door, gesturing for her to follow, but then stops and turns back, “Kid, just… if you need anything, we’ll be right done stairs. Okay?”
There’s a pause, and silence fills the space. Tess would have left by this point, her frustration already high and teetering near the edge of anger, but Joel waits, patient as the earth waiting for the seasons to change, and is rewarded a moment later with Ellie’s small, “Sure.”
“Okay,” Joel responds, raping a single knuckle against the doorframe in time with the syllables before saying once more, “Okay.” and stepping away. He jerks his head toward the stairs. Tess nods, understanding, but lingers as his footsteps disappear down the creaking steps.
She watches the shadow under the door widen, then hears the slide of fabric against wood and the distinct sound of a body settling on the ground. The kid is resting against the door, and she's crying softly, hiccupped breaths and muffled sobs, escaping into the stifling air of the hallway.
Tess silently slides down the wall next to the door, elbows on bent knees, head resting in her hands. She squeezes her eyes shut and listens to the heartbroken tears of the daughter she never thought she’d see again. She listens, and she weeps for the girl who was unlucky enough to be born to two broken souls.