Chapter Text
"Iwa-chaaaaaan!"
Why do you always ignore me? And what you have to look at on your cell phone with so much interest then I can't really explain. If you didn't treat me always like this I could almost think that you do it on purpose to make me angry as you are jealous of all these girls who are always waiting for me outside the gym and that I don't give a fuck about!
Yes, yes, ok, it's gratifying to know that you're appreciated and admired but it's also definitely tiring. My jaw even hurts from all this smiling when the only one I really want to smile at is you.
But I know I have to restrain myself.
Even if I couldn't do it before. When you shot that parallel I really couldn't help myself, it came naturally to me and if you had looked at me right then instead of giving Kindaichi a high five, I would have definitely betrayed myself. I hope that not even Makki noticed it even if before in the locker room he continued to look at me with that arrogant smile of his on his lips.
Shit I don't know how long I can hold out.
"Sorry girls, Iwa-chan has arrived and I really have to go."
Let's get rid of these annoying girls and go home, I really want to enjoy at least these ten minutes together you and I just the two of us alone!
As much as I want to enjoy this bicep hmmm… but how big is it? How is it possible that you don't realize how muscular you are becoming Iwa-chan? And especially all this goodness is undermining my sanity... but at least I can touch you luckily I've always touched you since we were children no one sees anything strange now and thank goodness otherwise I would really go crazy.
"So Iwa-chan, what did you do in the locker room? It took you forever to get out tonight..."
"Idiot! I'm the one who is always waiting for you while you are parading around with your admirers!"
"What's the matter Iwa-chan, are you jealous?"
Huh... if only! I say it but I know it's not true. Although I would gladly take these blows on the head that you always give me if the reason was really this. But unfortunately I only have to take the blows and that's it.
But rather than nothing is good for me even so, I just need to have your attention, your friendship.
I know that's how you show it to me, after all you've been beating me since we were five. But if others try to beat me instead you always defend me.
A bit like if only you had the right to beat me.
As if I were yours.
If only I were really yours... Shit! As always my mind goes off on its own on dangerous paths. Better to come back down to earth and go one step after the other towards home.
As always I will be content to cling to this amazing bicep to feel your warm skin through the team jacket trying not to think about anything but the here and now.
✎
"Drink, Iwa-chan."
Yes, drink and look at me too! Why don't you look at me? Why didn't you look at me during the whole workout today?
I don't know what's happening to you this evening you were really untied, distracted, always out of time. And above all you never gave me a word or a look.
Tell me what's up!
Tell me...
"What's the matter?"
"You tell me what's the matter, Iwa-chan. Is there anything you have to tell me?"
"What the fuck am I supposed to tell you? Why do you ask me?"
"Because you've been weird since before. Did my fanclub put you in a bad mood?"
Shit! Why my tongue never stays quiet?! I didn't have to bring up the girls. It is likely that he is really jittery because of them and if I know Iwa-chan (and I know him!) he will never admit it anyway so the direct approach is useless.
Tooru you're such an idiot!
"Anyway you're weird. Today you're not in you, you're distracted, you keep making mistakes."
Let's see if instead talking about volleyball I can move you a little.
"That ball was too high!"
"No, it wasn't. It was perfect."
"Arrogant presumptuous, for once can't you admit that you did wrong?"
"Of course. I would do it if I did wrong."
Calm down Tooru it's clear that he's clinging to something not to tell you the truth. Don't start doubting yourself as you always do, that ball was ok, maybe not quite perfect but the fit Iwa-chan would have spiked it without problems, turning it into a score.
"Anyway, it doesn't matter, Iwa-chan, if you don't want to tell me what's going on, that's fine. But know that, if we had been in a real game, I would have already sent you to the bench."
Yes, good point, put a little authority and deal with volleyball and don't show him how much it makes you panic to see him so absent. It's certainly nothing to do with you, you'll see. And when Iwa-chan wants to tell you what's going on with him, he'll do it as he has always done in so many years of friendship, you just have to give him his own time and remind him how important he is to you.
"I hope you'll recover quickly by the time the tournament starts. I need my ace in top form. This is our last chance to kick Ushiwaka's ass!"
Shit!
That my really escaped me. Stupid stupid Tooru! Let's hope he takes my words only from the captain's point of view otherwise I'm fucked. Especially today he is weird I do not want to give him other worries to think about.
Better to end it here before my tongue does more damage.
✎
Ohmygodshitfucknonono...
Keep calm Tooru!
Breathe!
So slowly open your mouth and fill your lungs, count 1 2 3 4, ok now wait, count 1 2 3 4 5 6, and now slowly throw out, slowly 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8.
Slowly again, breathe.
Breathe and don't look.
Dontlookdontlookdontlook...
Here Iwa-chan is coming, he heard your cry.
He knows.
He knows what to do.
He knows everything.
Breathe.
He takes care of that, you just have to breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe and don't fucking think about it! You know that spiders don't do anything to you for fuck's sake you've always known that but why at eighteen you still allow a tiny spider to fucking paralyze you like that!
"Ok, calm down, I'll take care of it...".
You see, he'll take care of it.
Iwa-chan saves you from spiders since you were a child, you are in good hands. In the best.
"That's it."
"I don't wear those... They're contaminated!"
Whatthefuck Tooru but grow up!
What a shitty figure you're making!
The spider is no longer there you have studied arachnids for years just to overcome your fear, you know that even if the spider has walked on it the slipper has nothing, really nothing wrong.
And yet no fuck I can't do it I can't do it I can't do it...
"Iwa-chan..."
I know, I'm pathetic and I'm just so ashamed but I can't do it I can't do it I can't do it...
Oh...
Fuck yes!
Hold me Iwa-chan!
Ohmygodthankstoallthekamiandthesaintsinheaven!
And thank you Iwa-chan because despite everything you still tolerate me.
Your arms are so strong god thank goodness you're here with me if Makki and Mattsun had been there I would have died of shame instead you are you and thank goodness your arms make me feel so safe that I really don't want to be anywhere else.
Excuse me if I'm wetting your shirt I'll make it up to you but please don't let me go just I can't do it just can't do it...
God!
Oh my God, Iwa-chan, how fucking strong you are!
You... you had never picked me up like this, oh my god what embarrassment, but fuck if you're strong and you're hot, shit how hot you are, maybe it's me who's cold, I'm shaking, but now I'm really not sure if it's really the cold or it's your arms that fuck are so strong and your chest is so wide and you're so reassuring and you're so...
Shit but what the fuck is going on I really can't breathe yet my heart feels like it's gone crazy and I can't calm it down.
Keep calm Tooru!
Breathe.
Ok still breathe.
"Get dressed or you'll get sick."
But I can't let you go I can't do it, your arms make me feel so safe Iwa-chan, and you're so strong and so hot and wait a minute, just a second, don't let me, don't leave me, stay with me.
And your scent hmmmm god it’s so calming and I remember it I remember it since ever, I feel it in my nose and in my chest and in the bottom of my heart.
"Iwa-chan..."
It's you Iwa-chan this smell is just you and I feel so good smelling it and you're still so hot and so strong and your hand sliding down my back and oh my god I gotta calm down I gotta stop I know I gotta pull away and I gotta let you go but just wait a minute okay?
Just a moment slowly I move away I swear leave me my time and...
Don't look at me like that Iwa-chan please don't look at me because I really don't trust myself because if you're so close and you're so beautiful Iwa-chan and because you're so beautiful that god I can't I can't I can't...
Shit!
I just couldn't.
Fuck I'm kissing Iwa-chan!
Oh my God I'm making a mess now he's going to hate me and push me away and I'm going to lose him forever and fuckfuckfuck...
God... but... What's going on?
Why doesn't Iwa-chan push me away?
Iwa-chan is kissing me...
Oh my God I'm dead and I don't know, the spider bit me and injected me with his hallucinogenic venom and this is just a dream but that's okay, if I have to die from spider venom I want to do it dreaming of kissing you Iwa-chan, and fuck the world.
Fuck everyone.
I only care about you and if this is the end for me that's okay.
Oh god was it really me who cried that moan?
Yes I'm dying there's no other explanation, it's the gasps of agony, the poison is entering the circulation and that's why I feel all hot, tingling and... hard.
Shit I'm really getting hard and god what an embarrassment I'm still out of breath and I feel like I fall and sorry if I hold on even more to you Iwa-chan. But you're so solid and your hair is still damp and soft and I gotta do something, I gotta touch you, my hands need to touch you, I need to feel you against me and even if you feel that I'm hard I don't care so much because I'm dying and none of this is really happening and...
God!
Your arm around my waist, your chest so hot and big against mine and ... fuck I can't stop this cry rising from my throat but I really feel like I'm dying and it's beautiful to die in your arms while kissing me...
"Tooru..."
Say it again Iwa-chan!
Say my name please.
I love how my name comes out of your lips I love how your tongue rolls up on the 'r'.
I love your hands on my face.
Touch me.
Touch me Iwa-chan.
Even if you're just a hallucination, even if you're my last fantasy, my last wish but touch me love me kiss me breathe me take me...
These sounds coming out of your mouth but god they're devastating Iwa-chan I really didn't believe I didn't believe I didn't...
What's going on?
Where are you Iwa-chan?
Shit!
Shitshitshit!
I messed up!
I ruined everything!
Breathe Tooru.
Stay calm and keep breathing!
And don't you look at me like that Iwa-chan please! Not as if you couldn't even recognize me.
Please don't let all the disgust you feel for me be read so clearly on your face.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry sorry sorry...
"I'm going... to retrieve the slippers."
Now I'm really dead.
I'm sorry I was weak.
Forgive me Iwa-chan.
I wasn't in me.
Please let's pretend nothing happened.
Please please please...
It's all the fault of that shitty spider!
Fuck do you see I was right to hate them?
Now because of it Iwa-chan hates me.
I disgust him.
He will not want to deal with me anymore.
Fifteen years of friendship thrown away because of a shitty arachnid!
Tooru you're such an idiot!
A pathetic idiot asshole!
You have to try to recover...
Make Iwa-chan understand that you weren't in you, that it's all the fault of that fucking spider and hope you can save what can be saved.
"Iwa-chan, you promise me you won't tell anyone, will you?"
"I..."
"I mean, I know that arachnophobia is a real pathology and there's nothing to be ashamed of but..."
… BUT don't look at me like that Iwa-chan please!
I can't stand it.
I can't see that light in your eyes, I can't bear to disgust you, I can't lose our friendship.
I can't lose you.
I really can't I can't, you're the most important person in my life I have to do everything to make sure you won't walk away from me.
Fuck Tooru!
You're really an idiot!
✎
We haven't talked about the kiss anymore.
That kiss that has been tormenting me for days now.
Too good to have been just my fantasy.
Too wonderful to be able to accept that it will never happen again.
And I really don't know how to behave.
I would like to talk to you about it.
A thousand times I have been tempted to begin the discourse... but then the fear that you might run away blocks me after all, if you had wanted to talk about it you would have done it yourself.
On the other hand if you pretend nothing happened maybe you want me to do the same.
What I wonder is why?
Do you hope it never happens again so as not to lose our friendship?
Or are you confused and just need time to think about it?
I'm confused too Iwa-chan really really confused.
Because as if that weren't enough you're getting weird, weirder every day, and I don't know if it's that kiss that upset you and I'm worried sick Iwa-chan because I'm afraid of what you'll decide to do.
I see you thinking and thinking and brooding but trying to pretend nothing happened, I see that you are trying to behave normally but it's not really you.
Sometimes you get lost in your head you're miles away and the only way I have to bring you back is to bother you a little and it's almost absurd to think that I feel better when you get mad at me and beat me!
And then there are other times that I turn around and you are there staring at me and as soon as you realize that I have caught in the act you look away and pretend nothing happened.
Here, you see?
Even now you have finished speaking and I can see you out of the corner of my eye staring at me while I finish writing these notes.
"Thanks for your explanation, Iwa-chan, now I finally understand the difference between Microcirculation and Macrocirculation. But how do you take a person's heartbeat?"
And above all, how do you make my heart beat so fast even just by sitting next to me?
Keep calm Tooru.
"Are you serious? Really, I can't believe you don't know!"
"I swear, Iwa-chan! Usually it's the others who take it to me, I really never understood how they do it in such a short time..."
Tooru what the fuck...
"Fine, don't you want to explain it to me? Okay, but know that, if I get a bad grade on the test, it's all your fault!"
But holy shit, Tooru, don't be pissed off if things go to shit this time too!
Why do you always have to do the opposite of what common sense tells you?
Okay, okay, you're right, I have to stop lying to myself.
I WANT Iwa-chan to touch me, I want to feel Iwa-chan's big strong hands on me once again.
I know I’m playing with fire and that this time I risk getting burned and I also risk that our friendship could finish but I really can't help it, I really need to understand.
"Here, place your fingers like this until you feel the heartbeat; then, you glance at your watch and count how many beats there are in 15 seconds. And then multiply by 4."
"Oops... was it that simple? And now, how many beats do I have?"
Because I HAVE to do something to stir things up, I have to understand what you feel for me, if it sucked to kiss me or if you, like me, are thinking about it all the time.
And especially since I can't take it anymore Iwa-chan I need to feel your hands on me once again.
Yes so fuck yes it's okay...
Your hand so big and strong wrapped around mine, how beautiful, I feel your rough calluses so pleasant against my skin that they give me all the chills.
And...
Iwa-chan why did you close your eyes?
Breathe Tooru.
Stop fantasizing and breathe.
Don't look at Iwa-chan's flickering eyelashes as they slowly lift.
Breathe.
Don't look at the green of his eyes that is so bright in the sunset light.
God Iwa-chan but how fucking beautiful you are!
But no, you don't have to look at him you don't have to look at his tousled hair that always makes you want to stick your fingers in it, you don't have to look at his sexy mouth you don't have to look at that dimple between his collarbones that seems to be made on purpose to stick your tongue in...
Stop!
Breathe and take back control of your fucking hormones Tooru!
"So, Iwa-chan? More than 15 seconds have passed..."
"68!"
"Come on, now I'll try..."
Ohmygod Tooru but you're such an idiot!
Yet, no, it's not a lie that I tell myself, I REALLY need to understand why the fuck Iwa-chan is letting me do it.
Why doesn't he withdraw his hand from mine why he keeps watching my fingers slide aimlessly over his skin instead of insulting me and headbutting me?
Why does he seem lost in his head again as if he could feel these shivers that I feel all over my body?
As if he too was struggling to breathe.
As if he too feels the same need for skin-to-skin contact as I do in this silence so heavy that I am amazed that he can't really feel my heart beating like a mad drum.
Ohgod is it possible that it doesn't bother him?
Is it possible that he also needs this contact?
Is it possible that he really feels something for me too?
I'm afraid to believe it.
I'm afraid to hope for it because if I'm wrong it's the end.
Because if Iwa-chan rejects me now I really don't have the strength to bear it...
Nevertheless...
Why is he not doing anything yet?
Why he lets my hand glide over this gorgeous bicep that seems to attract my fingers like a magnet?
God how hard it is!
Shit but how cool you have become Iwa-chan.
I would like to plant my teeth in this wonderful flesh and I can only bite my lips to keep myself from the instinct to rush on your skin and lick and bite it like there's no tomorrow.
"Y-you can’t take it there, the heartbeat..."
Fuck!
Fuckfuckfuck... Iwa-chan's voice is hoarse, it really seems like he is out of breath.
I may not be a genius but it does not seem to me that all this indicates that he dislikes the situation.
On the contrary.
"I told you I'm not capable... Maybe I could try on the neck, as I have seen done in the movies..."
Okay Tooru don't overdo you don't have to scare him.
Okay Iwa-chan isn't running away.
He seems involved.
He seems upset and could be a good sign.
Try not to ruin everything right away.
Okay I do slowly I slide slowly with my fingers and shit but how soft his skin is I can distinctly feel the vein pulsing under my fingers.
But who wants to count the beats anymore?
I prefer to slide along his jaw so strong and virile this slight trace of beard that has been sprouting for a few months and that he still inexplicably denies having to shave every morning.
And the bone that protrudes, the hard line of the tendon that goes down to the throat, the smooth collarbone...
But how much hooooot you are Iwa-chan!
God I feel like I'm going crazy!
Kami give me a sign, just one, tell me if I really have to stop otherwise I'll jump on him, because if you don't stop me now I won't be responsible for myself and...
Ok.
Received.
I didn't imagine that the Kami communicated via SMS but okay that's okay.
I stop.
"The pizza will be here in fifteen minutes, Iwa-chan. Let's put away the books and prepare the table."
Ok Kami, I did as you told me.
But then explain to me why Iwa-chan seems disappointed...
"Iwa-chan..."
Make it or break it!
"Do you want to watch a movie after dinner? And then you stay here to sleep..."
"O-okay. But I choose the film."
"Obviously..."
I was afraid that he would say no, even if it's our typical Saturday night program, even if we have always done it I was afraid that Iwa-chan would say no that he would run away that he would prefer to avoid that intimacy that is always created in our movie nights, even more so when we are at home alone.
And maybe maybe if Iwa-chan is still here and looks at me with those wonderful eyes of the color of the summer forest maybe there is a little hope for us.
Hold him back this smile fuck Tooru stop smiling fuck don't be fooled by the possibility that he loves you too that he too can somehow feel what you feel, don't don't don't...
You have to take things as they come and if something has to happen it will happen...
✎
Hmmm...
Am I still sleeping?
Maybe not I'm awake I can hear Gipsy Danger* fighting...
[*Gipsy Danger is the Jaeger (huge anthropomorphic robots controlled simultaneously by two or three pilots whose minds are connected with a neural bridge) main character in Pacific Rim]
I like this warmth, Iwa-chan's leg under my cheek is warm and unexpectedly comfortable given how hard his muscles are.
Oh fuck no Tooru don't drift again, enjoy the movie night like you do every Saturday and resign yourself if nothing has happened so far it's certainly not a Kaiju who will unlock this stalemate, even if Iwa-chan loves them...
But...
Ok maybe I was wrong and I'm still sleeping because it's really not possible that Iwa-chan is running his fingers through my hair... yet fuck yes I'm awake I'm sure and Iwa-chan IS RUNNING HIS FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR!
Hmm...
It’s too relaxing, he's doing it so slowly it's obvious that he doesn't want me to wake up and I'll keep pretending to sleep but fuck it's beautiful...
Oh my god how wonderful...
"Hmm..."
Fuck!
I said it out loud and Iwa-chan stopped.
God Tooru if you're an asshole!
Shit now I betrayed myself.
"Go on..."
Shit!
I also drooled but Tooru what a disgust let's hope Iwa-chan didn't notice!
"W-weren't you sleeping?"
But...
Why does your voice sound guilty Iwa-chan?
Why do you cuddle me only while I sleep and if you see that I'm awake you stop? Why?
Is it possible that even the other times you ran your fingers through my hair and I never noticed it because I was sleeping?
In any case it now makes no sense to pretend to sleep.
Here I am Iwa-chan I turn around but now do look at me.
Look in my eye.
Let me understand what the fuck is going on.
Because you're so weird because I can't understand what you're thinking anymore.
I can no longer predict your behavior, what until a few weeks ago pissed you off now seems not to touch you.
And you don't look at me anymore.
Look at me Iwa-chan.
Look at me...
Yes this way don't look away because you know the film by heart too.
Look at me.
Look at me and fuck let me understand what the fuck is going on.
And touch me.
Touch me again.
Okay, okay, if you want me to take your hand and put it in my hair, here you are.
Here... Yes.
Yes... Right here.
As you did when you thought I was sleeping.
Keep touching me.
Move those fingers because it was really beautiful and I want you to do it again, I want you to realize how much I also like this caress on my head and that you don't have to do it secretly.
You can touch me Iwa-chan as many times as you want.
You MUST touch me Iwa-chan you must touch me more.
Yes this way and fuck if it's beautiful I can't even keep my eyes open I can't hold back this moan that's forming in my throat for how fucking wonderful this moment is.
Do you feel it too Iwa-chan?
Can you feel my heart beating?
Can you feel how you're breaking the breath in my chest? How these feelings are building up inside me and literally driving me crazy, I'm crazy, I'm crazy about you, I want you Iwa-chan, I want you I want you I want you...
Touch me please touch me understand what I want, feel me like Raleigh feels Mako* you have to FEEL my need and I need YOU please please feel me how much I want you and give me what I need!
[*Raleigh and Mako are the pilots of Gipsy Danger in Pacific Rim]
Now I no longer have control of anything, not even the sounds that come out of my throat but if you are still here Iwa-chan, if your hands move in my hair, if you are not gone, it means that you also feel something for me.
Kami, I know I don't have to hope but now I can't help I have to feel your hands on my face and I have to smell you I have to feel your rough fingers on my skin here they are, beautiful, big and strong and shit I have to lick these fingers I have to suck them I have to feel them somehow inside me or really, really I go crazy...
Nooooo…
Why did you take your hand off Iwa-chan?
I’m an asshole I was under the illusion that I believed that you were also living this moment with me and instead you were just amazed and paralyzed by the disgust I give you and I’m sorry I’m sorry sorry sorry…
I'm afraid to open my eyes, I'm afraid I’m fucking scared, but I have to do it.
I know that what I will read on your face will be definitive and that's okay so I have pulled the rope too much until now and it is right that if our friendship has to end at least I will tell you what I feel for you so I will no longer have to live with this suffering of having you next to me every day of my life and not being able to have you.
Come on Tooru!
Open your eyes.
…
Iwa-chan...
My heart stopped for a moment but then it started beating again and now it runs and runs and I can't stop it because it doesn't really seem possible that you are really looking at me LIKE THAT.
This is not disgust.
This is not disgust this is not loathing this is not hate this is not....
It is perhaps amazement, perhaps wonder, perhaps disbelief.
It's the same expression you had that time we camped on the river and when evening fell we saw fireflies dancing on the water.
"Iwa-chan..."
It's now or never.
"Iwa-chan, kiss me."
Please please please kiss me show me that I was not wrong and kiss me love me as I love you too please please ...
YEEEEESSSS
Fuck yes yes yes!
I wasn't wrong then.
So even the other evening in the gym it didn't disgust you, you didn't kiss me just out of pity or to reassure me from the spider.
I don't know why you ran away but now it doesn't matter.
Now you're kissing me and god it's even more beautiful than last time it's wonderful you're wonderful and these shoulders so strong and so big and fuck Iwa-chan you're literally driving me crazy but now that I have you here in my arms I won't let you go anymore you're mine mine mine mine...
Come down here with me on this sofa and hug me properly let me feel your strong arms around me let me feel your massive shoulders and.... god!
I feel your erection Iwa-chan you too are as hard as I am and shit fuck it's all so hot I'm rubbing myself like a teenager in heat and it ends up that I cum right in my underwear and fuck no I don't want it to end right away I want to taste you slowly I want to enjoy every inch of your skin I want to feel your muscles your pecs your biceps I want to lick you all everywhere everything every...
"Tooru... I... had no idea..."
Shut up Iwa-chan this is not time to talk I have to touch you finally I can touch you wherever I want however I want and I can kiss you lick suck and I need my mouth for this and not to talk and...
OH MY GOD!
YES do it again Iwa-chan! Pull my hair shake me twist me scramble me use me do what you want and yes yes yes keep touching me like this touch me lick me suck me bite me ...
"Touch me Iwa-chan. I need to feel your hands on me."
Yes good like that, go down right there now do stick those fingers in my boxers and touch me touch me touch me touch me ...
Fuck this is heaven Iwa-chan your fingers are so beautiful I feel your calluses on my skin oh god it's too strong too strong it’s too much too much...
I have to touch you too let me in let me in let me touch you too and ... shit!
How fucking BIG you are Iwa-chan!
God I've seen you naked a million times but never so turned on and shit you're immense and I want you inside me!
Feel how big it is it’s so thick heavy in my hand and tell me if you like what I'm doing, let me understand what I have to do if I have to squeeze or if I have to slide harder if I have to go slower and take off these fucking clothes because I have to see you I have to see IT because it's huge and I have to see it with my own eyes!
Fuck!
Oh my god I really can't do it, I'm about to die I have to taste you I have to lick you I have to feel you inside me!
"Tooru..."
Iwa-chan do you like?
Do you like what I'm doing?
I love it but I want you to like it too!
Let me understand if I move my head like this....
Or if I push more with my hand...
Do you prefer like that Iwa-chan?
I want to drive you crazy I want you to delight I want you to remember this first time of ours for a lifetime 'cause I'm going to Iwa-chan I'm going to remember it forever 'cause this is a dream come true and having sex with you feels so good so wonderful having you in my mouth is a dream come true and I have to 🔞 you I need 🔞 you and again 🔞 🔞 🔞 🔞 🔞 🔞
[Author's note – from this point on, Tooru's thoughts become nonverbal and are impossible to put into words. But you can certainly imagine them...]
✎END!✎