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They tell you being in love with your straight best friend is difficult but Buck could write articles about how being in love with your gay best friend is ultimately worse. See, if your best friend is straight then he’s simply not attracted to your gender, but if he’s gay and not interested — well that just means he’s not interested in you .
It was a q-word shift; Hen and Chimney were bombarding Eddie with questions about his date with James and if Buck thought that James was a stupid name, that was between him and God.
“He’s smart too, knows so many facts.” Buck couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Like knowing facts is impressive. He knows facts, too.
“Anything you wanna add, Buck?” Buck didn’t like the way Chimney was eyeing him.
“He sounds like a great guy Eddie,” Buck forced himself to say.
“Do you think you’ll be seeing him again?” Hen asks and Buck loves Hen like a sister but right now he really wished he —
“Probably not — don’t get me wrong, he’s… he’s great. But I don't know, it felt like something was missing.” Did Buck imagine that or was Eddie looking at him when he mentioned that something was missing? No, he was probably just reading into things.
Buck had made his way to their shared gym, it was the best place he could think of where he could legally blow off some steam.
“Buck!” Hearing his name on Eddie’s lips made his treacherous stomach flip. “Do you need a spot?” Eddie asked once he was near Buck.
“No need, I’m almost done,” Buck said, avoiding Eddie’s line of sight.
“I was wondering,” Buck looked up at Eddie and he could tell Eddie looked nervous. Why was Eddie nervous? “Are you free this Friday?” Oh, could this possibly be heading in the direction Buck wanted it to? Could he finally get to call Eddie his and — Buck must have nodded because next thing he knew he was agreeing to babysit so that Eddie could go on a date with a guy named Steve .
—
Buck was sitting alone on Eddie’s couch, the clock reading 11.53pm. Christopher was safely asleep in his room when Buck heard the front door open and close. Knowing it was Eddie who was at the door, Buck stayed put. He saw Eddie walk into the living room, hair devilish; Buck’s heart broke a little at the sight of Eddie, close to him and yet so far out of reach. Suddenly all the emotions that Buck was so badly trying to keep at bay threatened to come out. He needed to get out of here.
“Are you okay there, Buck?” Buck’s first thought was that of course Eddie noticed, he always noticed. Eddie knew everything about Buck, all of his traits and habits. Eddie knew everything about him except how deeply in love he was with his best friend.
“Yeah, all good, just tired. Good night?” Buck asked, his eyes motioning to Eddie's hair. Eddie patted his head, Buck assumed it was to fix his hair. Eddie looked away from Buck, pink painting his cheeks. The view in front of Buck was breathtakingly beautiful, if only it was his.
“Yeah it was alright —“
“I should get out of your hair, goodnight Eddie.” Buck would willingly spend all his life listening to Eddie talk, just not about this — never about this. He could babysit the teenager he had grown to love as his own, and he could cook for them and play pretend but he couldn’t sit around and listen to the man he loves tell him about this — about how some other man was touching him, he simply couldn’t. So he abruptly left Eddie’s house.
—
Eddie was going on another date and god dammit, Buck wanted nothing more than to illegalize dating. He knew he sounded insane but he couldn’t keep on watching Eddie be with someone else. He wanted Eddie, all of Eddie: the sitting on his bedroom floor crying Eddie, the non believing in jinxes Eddie, the playful, the happy, the sad Eddie. He wanted every single version of Eddie this world had to offer because there was no one more perfect or important for Buck than Eddie. Hell , Buck would sit through every single basketball game ever recorded for Eddie.
A knock on the door got him out of his depressing thoughts, but Buck wasn't in the mood for company so he just stayed on his uncomfortable couch. When the knocking stopped Buck assumed the person finally left but suddenly the sound of keys turning and a door opening made him get up.
“Oh hey, you’re here. Sorry to barge in like that.” Buck must have looked as confused as he felt, “I think you might have accidentally taken my bag.” Buck was still just staring because Eddie continued with a chuckle. “Funny thing about shared lockers.”
Buck was tired, Buck was really tired because his parents never truly loved him and his relationships never worked out and that man that he was so deeply in love with was going on dates with people that weren’t him and — “It’s right over there.” Buck said, motioning to where the bag was near his front door before making his way back to rot on the couch.
“Wait.” Buck felt a hand on his arm, turning him around. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes Eddie, everything is great. So you can take your bag and be on your way.”
“Did I do something to make you mad at me?” Eddie asked, still holding onto Buck.
“No, no of course not. I’m sorry.”
“I’m not buying it, Buck.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Eddie.”
“How about the truth?” Eddie asked, his voice higher than usual.
“I did tell you the truth,” Buck said, yanking his arm back.
“No, you didn’t. Please just tell me .” They stare at each other for a few seconds; Eddie waiting for Buck to answer and Buck waiting for Eddie to leave.
“Why are you so mad at me?” Eddie screamed at Buck, unable to hold it in any longer.
“Because!”
“Because what?”
Buck couldn’t stop himself anymore — didn’t want to stop himself. He surged forward, capturing Eddie’s lips with his own. For a second Buck felt like he could finally breathe, before remembering that Eddie wasn’t his — could never be his. As he was making a move to pull back, to remove himself, Eddie’s hands landed on Buck's waist, pulling him in closer and closer until they were pressed so tightly against each other you’d think they were trying to become one. Buck’s hands found their way down to Eddie’s hips while his mouth started leaving open mouthed kisses along Eddie’s jaw. Buck was so high on having Eddie all over him that he slipped up —
“I love you,” the words left Buck’s lips before he could stop them and suddenly everything stopped. Because you can turn back from releasing all your angry energy into making out with your best friend, but there’s no turning back from those words. Those cursed words because each time Buck had said them they were never returned — not the way they’re meant to —.
“I love you, too,” Eddie whispered, breathing into Buck's ear, his breath making Buck’s body hot all over, leaving him in desperate need for more. In that moment Buck was certain he had found the meaning of life.
“But what about — what about James and, and Steve and —“
“None of them were you,” Eddie tells him. “I only ever wanted you.” One of Eddie’s hands left Buck’s waist, only to move up — holding Buck from his pulse point, looking deeply into his eyes and Buck could at last see it, love , Eddie was looking at him with unending love.
“I love you,” Buck blurted again, his hands previously on Eddie’s hips, now trailing all over. With each touch Buck felt his soul getting closer and closer to heaven. “I love you,” he said again and again because he finally got to do so. Eddie’s little chuckle each time Buck said those three little words made him never want to stop. Buck’s lips found Eddie’s again because they got to, because he could; because Eddie was finally his.
And I lied to myself,
calling it the truth.
Because never did I imagine,
you’d love me like I love you.