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It’s a lot of little moments, stacked together.
“You have a beautiful smile,” Amamiya tells him once, when Goro is smiling for real over his victory at darts. It shouldn’t hit as hard as it does.
“We should play more billiards,” comes the comment from behind him, the thief no doubt eyeing his backside.
“You know, if you tried to choke me with your tie, I’d probably thank you,” Amamiya says out of the blue, when Goro is ranting at him about how he hates him.
It’s little moments like that.
Lots and lots of them.
Now, in the late autumn light, Goro is forced to face the fact that moments like these keep piling up, especially with how much time he spends with the thieves.
“Oh please, go on ahead,” Joker’s eyes glint red in the Metaverse as he gestures at a ventilation tube, “I’ll bring up the rear.”
It’s a hand dancing over his shoulder checking for injuries after being blasted with a Curse spell. “I’m fine,” Goro hisses, drawing away.
“Just making sure,” Joker replies, cracking a grin, but the concern in his eyes is too real.
It is being pressed together in the Monabus, legs and arms touching and Joker wiggling his eyebrows at Goro – it is the lesser of all evils though, sitting next to him than any of the others.
Little moments – all making up a big picture that Goro is ever so happy to ignore.
And then somehow, Amamiya is asking Goro to call him by his given name.
“Why would I do that?” Goro asks, bewildered.
Amamiya shrugs. He is standing behind the bar of Leblanc, holding Goro’s newest cup hostage. “We’ve known each other for a while, right?” Barely a few months, Goro doesn’t say. Amamiya’s fringe obscures his eyes. “Besides, we’re on the same side now.”
Goro’s mouth is dry as a dessert. (No, we are not, he wants to say. You have no idea who I am and what I’m capable of – no idea that the name on top of my hit list is-)
“Why…” He shakes his head, faltering over his words. What can he say to that? “What’s wrong with what we have?” He asks, wetting his lips and then it hits him, even before Amamiya speaks the words.
“There is nothing wrong, I just…” The thief looks almost shy, smiling down at Goro like that. “I’d like more.”
Goro feels like falling.
It’s a thousand little moments – moments all stacked up on top of each other, all spelling out the same picture: a picture Goro has been willfully ignoring.
(He had to, he would have to have been blind not to notice, Amamiya was never exactly subtle in his affections-)
“Oh,” he says, mouth forming the sound awkwardly. He doesn’t really feel like he is still sitting on that barstool, hand on the bar; no, he is almost like a specter, floating above, hearing his own voice from underwater...
“You’re surprised?” Ren asks, a breathless laugh in his voice.
“I’m…” Not, Goro thinks, because at the end of the day, it’s not surprising, is it? Their hangouts, basically dates, their arguments, like an old married couple, Goro even took Amamiya to his favorite places, reminisced about his past, shared his thoughts, called and texted for months now... No, he is feeling something else entirely.
Something that makes his heart beat faster in just the wrong way.
I’m frightened, Goro thinks, but he cannot bring himself to say that. He has dignity, above all; he will not demean himself so.
Even then...
“Akechi?” Amamiya asks, tilting his head with a fresh wave of worry. I’ve been quiet too long, Goro thinks. He tries to make himself take a breath and launch into a speech; but something goes wrong as he inhales and he ends up coughing. “Hey, hey, it’s okay!” A warm hand on his back, lightly hitting, another on his shoulder, steadying; Amamiya is dependable, like always.
Goro takes laborious effort to stop coughing and straighten up – his whole face must be terribly red, he thinks, then he makes the mistake of looking up – and there is no longer a counter separating them.
Amamiya’s eyes are incredibly gray; Goro has always wondered why the fuck he tries to hide behind his fake glasses. With eyes like the metal of a gun, he could charm or intimidate anyone into doing his bidding.
“Hey,” Amamiya says, “you okay?”
Goro nods minutely, eyes not leaving the thief’s. There are crinkles of happiness around said eyes now; Amamiya is smiling. “That’s a relief. Wouldn’t know what I’d do if you dropped dead all of a sudden.”
Goro’s heart clenches painfully. (He doesn’t know, he has no idea, Goro will have to do it, not even in the Metaverse, no, in real life – he will get to see Amamiya’s gray eyes bleed into Joker’s red ones and never turn back-)
“I don’t want us to change,” he whispers. His eyes are stinging.
Amamiya’s expression crumples, but to his credit, he keeps the smile on. “Of course,” he soothes, “don’t worry about it Akechi, forget I brought it up.”
But Goro does worry and he doesn’t want to forget – for the first time in a while, he feels like he owes an explanation to someone.
“They were dates – I meant them as dates,” he says, trying to get the words out as quickly as possible. Amamiya stills, listening intently. “You- Your company is delightful to have, I would not like to lose it, I’m just-” Goro breathes in, then out. Softly, surely; not as before. “I would not require more.”
Amamiya half-sinks to the barstool next to Goro’s, cocking his head. “What do you mean?”
Goro purses his lips. His chest feels ready to burst; he just wants Amamiya to understand, why can’t he just understand already?! “We’re fine as we are,” he tries again. “Aren’t we? You’re my-” First friend, closest companion, thief of my heart? None of those fit. Maybe he should approach from a different angle. “I’m your-” But the words do not come to mind any easier.
Goro, who is supposedly a master of manipulating an extensive vocabulary, is unbelievably frustrated by this lack of expressiveness. His jaw tightens and he huffs, angry, but no matter how his rapid-fire thoughts keep phrasing it, none of it is correct and exact and Amamiya needs to understand and-
“Akechi.”
Goro focuses back on the gray eyes.
“I care about you,” Amamiya tells him, staring into his soul. Goro wonders if he sees far enough to find Loki or if Robin is enough of a showpony to disguise him. “And you... care about me too,” this is less of a question, and yet, Goro still feels the need to nod.
“Against my better judgment,” he says. Amamiya snorts.
“Right. So.” His smile, tentative, is back, “My kind of caring is romantic.”
Of course it is, Goro thinks, pit in his stomach.
“But I don’t want more from you than you are willing to offer,” he continues, gesturing towards Goro. His hand hangs in the air; Goro’s gaze becomes fixated on it.
“Do you…” He breathes. “Do you really mean that?”
Amamiya huffs. “Of course I do!”
He doesn’t know why I’m asking, Goro muses. But he takes the thief’s hand in his.
“I don’t know what I could offer you.”
“...we could figure it out together?” Amamiya offers, hesitant. Goro plays with his fingers; the pale color stark against his dark gloves.
“I don’t think you understand,” he says off-handedly, tone off, “do you want to kiss me?”
When he looks up, the thief is scrunching his nose up, quite adorably. “This has to be a trick question,” Amamiya mutters.
Goro laughs, short and shallow.
“It really isn’t,” he murmurs back. “Do you?”
“I wouldn’t say no,” Amamiya admits, sneaking a glance at him.
Goro’s eyes travel back to their hands. “I would. I think. I’m not really... drawn to the idea of exchanging bodily fluids.” He shudders. Then, he gazes back on the thief. “Through the mouth or... otherwise.”
More than half of Amamiya’s comments were about his body, after all. Goro is not even sure why he is sharing this now.
Perhaps for the same reason I told him about my mother, he wonders. He is still not sure what that reason is; he didn’t need to be honest to gain sympathy, a fabricated story would have worked just as well.
“So no kissing or fucking,” Amamiya says with a straight face, “how about other kinds of touch? Do they repulse you too?”
Goro bristles at his stupidity. “I am literally holding your hand right now!”
“Better safe than sorry,” the thief retorts with a grin. “Seriously though. Opinion on hugs and cuddling?”
“I…” Goro is not sure how to react. “You are... not upset.”
“Why would I be?” Amamiya’s lips curl up. “The boy I like likes me back.”
Goro makes a noise at the back of his throat. “I wouldn’t go as far as to say I like you – tolerate is a much more fitting term-”
Amamiya snorts.
Goro finds himself smiling too. “You are truly alright with this?” With me, he doesn’t say.
“I just told you Akechi, I am happy with whatever you give me. If that is just friendship or you telling me to fuck off, that’s totally fine too.” Amamiya is growing concerned again. “You know that, right?”
You have less than a month left to live, Goro thinks, you should not be wasting your love on someone who won’t even love you the right way.
“I can’t give you what you want,” Goro insists. Amamiya would be better off with any of his little friends – sure, Goro would hate to see their love bloom, but at least then he’d have a reason to stick a bullet in the thief’s brain.
If I can’t have you – in the way I want – then no one can.
Amamiya huffs, putting his chin in his palm, his left still held hostage by Goro. “Hey, Akechi,” he calls suddenly. Goro looks up, suspicious. He was not expecting that tone, nor that smug smile. “Call me by my given name.”
Goro rolls his eyes. “You are so childish.” Amamiya stares pointedly. Goro sighs. “Fine. Happy, Ren-kun?”
“Delighted!” The thief crows, beaming. “You just gave me what I wanted!”
Goro gapes, quite a bit. “That’s... That’s not what I meant and you know it!”
Amamiya grins with too much teeth. It really shouldn’t make Goro’s heart leap so bad. “But it made me happy. You make me happy.”
Goro chokes on unspoken thoughts and incomprehensible feelings and grief, grief for the life that will soon leave this boy’s eyes, stolen in a few quick moments.
Interrupted. Ruined. Ruined by Goro and a small silvery bullet.
“Ren, please,” he whispers, the name coming more naturally than he expected. Has Goro been waiting so long to say it? “I can’t... be a boyfriend, or whatever in the normal way.”
He could. He could pretend. Goro is great at pretending.
He doesn’t want to though – not with this.
Not with Ren, not like this.
“Fuck normal,” Ren tells him with a smile. His left holds onto Goro’s hand, grip vice-like, as if Goro were his lifeline. “I don’t need normal, I need you.”
You really don’t, Goro thinks, desperation and fury at his own helplessness rising. You don’t need me, I will be the one to kill you.
Ren has always been stubborn though.
“Goro,” he calls, soft and caring and Goro lets out a little gasp. How can he put so many emotions into just one name, he thinks, thoughts going haywire. How can that be my name? “Let me decide that for myself?”
“You don’t understand though,” Goro argues, scowling.
“But I’m willing to listen,” Ren retorts.
That really shouldn’t hit as hard as it does.
“We don’t have to date if you don’t want to,” Ren continues. “I’m not going to force something on you that you don’t want.”
“How could you possibly know what I want?” Goro demands, temper rising. This is going nowhere, why is he even here still, why is he trying when he knows it’s useless-
“I can ask,” Ren says simply. Goro falters. “Again and again. You can let me know if something is okay, or not, or when it’s okay or not.” He tilts his head, reaching for Goro’s hand with his right, gripping it with both his hands. His lips curl into a wry smile. “I love our games, but I will always put them aside for your comfort.”
The argument dies before it can reach Goro’s lips.
“I can’t ask you to do that,” he finds himself saying. He is already taking so much from Ren – much more than the thief should have offered.
Ren hums. “Then it’s great that you’re not asking, isn’t it?”
He said no games – but Goro knows that tone; the twisting of his words.
“Why are you like this?” He asks flatly.
That smirk should not be as enticing as it is. “Because you feel like me.”
“But I don’t.” Snapping at the thief comes easily. Goro feels like he would be on his feet already if Ren wasn’t holding his hands hostage. “I don’t want you, not sexually, not romantically, do you not remember when I told you I hate you not even last week?!”
“Goro,” Ren calls, quiet, frowning. Goro is breathing harsher, and it’s hard to keep track of the expressions on his own face. “What do you want?”
“For you to leave me alone,” he hisses. For you to leave the country before November, to be happy and safe-
(With me.)
Ren lets go of his hands.
Goro grabs after them without a second thought. His cheeks flush when he realizes this, but he is not willing to let go.
“...I’m getting some mixed messages here.”
Goro sighs. “At least we’re both confused.”
Ren nudges him. “What are you confused about?”
Goro’s lips twitch. “You.” He taps a pattern into Ren’s palm. “You?”
“About you,” Ren replies with a smile.
Goro huffs. “This is ridiculous.”
Ren giggles. “A bit.” There is a beat of silence. “So… Let’s try talking it out again?”
Goro closes his eyes. “Why even bother?” He questions. It’s stupid. Ren will be dead within the month – Goro will get his revenge and then what else is there to life?
There is the sound of shuffling and then Goro feels Ren’s breath ghost his face. His eyes fly open, surprised. “I want to,” Ren says, gray eyes. “Because we’re worth it. Because you are worth it.” You don’t know that, Goro thinks, but Ren is such a stubborn bastard. Would those words really deter him?
Does Goro really want him deterred?
(No, of course he doesn’t.)
Goro tries to look away. “You are so much trouble, aren’t you?”
Ren grins. “I’m your trouble though, aren’t I?”
“Against my better judgment,” Goro echoes his earlier words. He lets go of Ren with his left – reaching out to cup the thief’s cheek. “You want to be what – boyfriends?”
“If you’ll have me,” Ren agrees, tilting his head into the touch. He’s like a needy cat, Goro thinks wrly.
“I don’t do well with sharing,” Goro confesses. “And I couldn’t give you all that you would want from a relationship.”
Ren clicks his tongue. “Pretty sure we went over that already – and I don’t want someone else, I want you.” No matter how many times he says this, the words manage to sound new and novel – foreign. Feeling wanted, Goro reflects, is not something he has much experience with.
“I won’t be able to let you go,” Goro warns. “Not for a long time.” Not if this works. Not if Ren comes to understand, truly understand him.
“I wouldn’t ever want to let you go,” Ren promises, something wild in his eyes.
Goro should feel at least a measure of concern, seeing that look. Dependence like this is not exactly healthy.
Goro never boasted about how healthy his relationships were.
“Alright.” He gently brushes his fingers under Ren’s gray eyes. “Alright. Let’s try this. Let’s try us.”
Ren’s face brightens. “You really mean that?”
Goro’s lips twitch. “You’re doubting me?”
“Just making sure,” Ren breathes out, laughing a little. His own hand comes to rest on the hand Goro holds over his cheek. “Boyfriends.”
“Boyfriends,” Goro echoes, amusement entering his voice. It seems like such an arbitrary word and yet…
He doesn’t have a better one.
He is not sure he wants one.
Considering everything that just happened, his next admission comes naturally.
“I’m tasked with killing you.”
He expects everything from Ren renouncing their newfound relationship to confusion to Ren laughing at his ‘joke’.
He doesn’t expect Ren to tilt their foreheads together, somber. “I know.”
Goro’s eyes widen as he sucks in a sharp breath. “What...?”
“I know,” Ren repeats. His lips curl into a mirthless smile. “We have a plan. I could use your help though.”
Plan, the word echoes in Goro’s mind as he stares in astonishment at the thief. He knows? When has Goro been figured out...? And how...? Ren is more amazing than Goro gave him credit for.
(A part of him is salty, because he is great at pretending! That’s what got him through life so far! Ren seeing through that is insulting.)
Maybe he understands better than I think…
Help, he thinks, and finds himself humming, agreeing, because Ren needs to live and he wants to help with that.
If he figured me out, Goro thinks, then the plan must be a very good one too.
Several minutes later, Goro valiantly fights the urge to repeatedly acquaint Ren’s head with a brick wall; what kind of fucked-up mess of a plan is that?!
His earlier assessment must be corrected: Ren doesn’t understand. Goro has to spell everything out to him, every little detail that could go wrong, things left unaccounted for, things that rely on sheer luck-
But Ren doesn’t interrupt; he listens. It’s one of his best qualities, Goro finds. Listening, truly listening.
Maybe, just maybe, giving his heart away to this thief is not the worst decision Goro could have made.