Archive of Our Own ^beta

Eddie first realizes he needs to intervene when he goes over to Buck’s and is given two batches of cookies to take home with him.

“They’re peanut butter and snickerdoodle,” Buck tells him cheerily. “Jee was allowed to take one batch home with her, so she chose the chocolate chip.”

“Buck,” Eddie says, trying to keep his voice gentle. “Are you still thinking about Tommy this much?”

He can see the way Buck’s cheery façade slips away, just a little. Instead of looking at Eddie, he focuses on setting the table for dinner.

“I think it’s just…because it kind of blindsided me, right? I mean, I asked him to move in with me.”

Eddie’s stomach drops at the words. He hadn’t realized they were that serious.

“I didn’t know that,” he murmurs, and is met with a shrug from Buck. “I’m sorry, Buck.”

Buck sighs. “It’s okay, Eddie. Seriously. It’s just going to take time. And unfortunately my instinct with any dying or dead relationship is to smother it with attention, so of course I’m going to be thinking about him a lot. I held onto Abby for months after she left, even though everyone else knew it was over.”

Now that Eddie is aware of. It still makes him feel sad for Buck.

“I think it’s good that you’re channeling your desire to reach out to him into something else.”

Buck smiles up at him, his eyes bright as he does so. “Yeah? Because everyone else has been saying the baking has gotten to be a bit much—”

“Well…”

Just like that, the smile is wiped from Buck’s face.

“Not you too!” He protests.

Eddie takes a deep breath. “It is kind of a lot. I mean, you know it’s a lot, right?”

Buck slumps. Nods his head sadly. “Yeah.”

“What if I had another idea for something you could do when you think about Tommy?” Eddie offers, trying to get the sad look off of Buck’s face.

Buck at least looks curious at what Eddie is going to say. “Yeah?” He asks.

Eddie smiles at him. “Yeah. Text me instead.”

Buck, of course, is immediately hesitant. “Eddie—”

“No, seriously. Or call me. I don’t mind. I’ve been talking to Chris more recently, but he’s still gone, so that means I’m by myself most of the time anyway. We could help each other.”

Buck seems to like that idea, which Eddie knew he would. Offering for Buck to text him when it would only benefit Buck? Negative. Offering for Buck to text him when it would benefit Eddie, too? Absolutely.

“I don’t want it to be too much, Eddie,” Buck says quietly. “You can already see from all the baking that it’s, uh. A bit excessive. I wouldn’t want to annoy you.”

“You could never annoy me,” Eddie protests.

Buck gives him a look. Eddie gives him one back. They’re at a stalemate for a few seconds before Eddie caves.

“Okay, the only time I really don’t get what you’re talking about is when you start going off about curses and jinxes. But I’m not annoyed. And I’m not going to be, unless you think you got broken up with because you were cursed or something.”

“Wait—”

“Buck.”

Buck laughs, holding his hands up in surrender. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. No more cursed than I usually am in my relationships.”

Eddie can at least relate to that.

“You’re sure about this?” Buck asks, wide eyed and vulnerable.

Eddie would quite literally do anything for him.

“Yeah,” he tells him. “Text away. Blow my phone up.”

Buck smiles, letting out a small chuckle. “Thanks, Eddie.”

“Anytime, Buck.”

 

---

 

Buck texts him later that night, when Eddie has been home for about an hour. He’s curled up on the couch watching Magnolia when his phone buzzes.

 

You know even with all of my baking I never made brownies…

 

Eddie snorts at his phone.

 

Is this actually about brownies or He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named?

 

Harry Potter reference in 2024? 👎

But…well…I think you know the answer to that question.

 

Eddie’s smile slips from his face. Buck is feeling lonely and sad about Tommy right now. All Eddie wants is to make him feel better.

 

Brownies are overrated anyways.

 

You don’t like them??

 

Not a big chocolate guy. You know this.

 

What about pie?

 

Please do not bake a pie.

 

Well then you better give me something equivalent to baking a pie to take my mind off of You-Know-Who (see how I said that without making a Harry Potter reference? 😉)

 

Eddie better give him something? Despite himself, his cheeks flush. He doesn’t think Buck meant something like that, but unfortunately that’s where Eddie’s mind goes. What the hell else would he even have to give?

 

You want to hear the story of how me running into a priest caused me to recreate the Risky Business dance?

 

Wait whaaaattt??

Eddie why hadn’t I heard of this already

Of course I want to know

 

The three texts are sent in quick succession of each other. Clearly, he has Buck’s undivided attention.

 

A few weeks ago I went to confession, we don’t really have to get into why. It was kind of a bust anyway but I guess what I told the priest stuck with him because he ran into me at this juice bar and sat down with me at my table.

 

Huh. Is that allowed??

 

It’s not like he stalked me Buck

 

I mean yeah but I doubt you’re supposed to talk about that stuff outside of the church

 

I think he just felt bad about how I practically ran out of the confessional without any resolution and he wanted to make me feel better. I honestly thought he was hitting on me at first

 

Oh

What did you say to him?

 

I told him I’m straight

 

Oh right haha duh

 

That’s not really the point…He basically told me he thought I was denying myself of things that would bring me joy because I don’t feel worthy of them.

 

Because you told him you’re straight? 🤨

 

What…Buck no

Because I chose water over juice

 

Is this a Catholic thing because I’m confused 😓

 

Eddie can’t help his huff of laughter at the text. It’s just so Buck.

 

I was gonna get juice at the juice bar, picked it up and everything, and then put it down so I could get water instead. Even though I really didn’t want the water. He saw that happen and realized I was punishing myself, you know? I have all these negative feelings about myself from causing my kid to run away and about a million other things in my life that I’m not even allowing myself something as small as a juice

 

Eddie :(

Can I call?

 

Well, fuck. Eddie really wasn’t saying all of this to make Buck feel bad for him. It was just part of the story.

 

If you want to

 

Unsurprisingly, Eddie’s phone immediately starts ringing.

“Hi, Buck.”

“Eddie. I didn’t know you felt like that. You could’ve talked to me about it instead of some random priest.”

Eddie raises an eyebrow at Buck’s tone. There is no way he’s actually jealous of a priest for some reason…just no way.

“I don’t think I’d even realized it’d gotten that bad until someone else pointed it out to me.”

“I’m sorry it wasn’t me.” Buck sounds genuinely mournful. “I was so wrapped up in Tommy and our stupid relationship that I wasn’t there for you. I’m the worst best friend ever.”

“Buck,” Eddie says through a laugh. “You’re not. Of course you were preoccupied with your relationship, that’s perfectly normal. The main thing is that his advice really did help me. Right?”

“Yeah,” Buck says reluctantly, like he’s still regretting the fact that it was Father Brian and not himself. “So what exactly was his advice?”

“Do something that brings me joy. Something that was for me and only me.”

“Wait,” Buck says, and for the first time tonight, his voice actually sounds light. “Is that where the Risky Business dance comes in?”

Eddie laughs. Can’t help it. “Yeah. It was my favorite movie growing up. I’d watch it over and over again, trying to memorize the dance. I hadn’t actually done it in…god. Forever. Since I was in middle school, probably.”

“And it brought you joy?”

Eddie’s stomach flips at the soft, caring tone of Buck’s voice. He swallows before responding.

“Yeah, it really did. A lot of it.”

“Good,” Buck responds immediately. “I’m glad.”

Then, “Wait. Is that why you were dressed like that when I came over to your place after Tommy dumped me? Oh my god.”

Eddie bursts out laughing. “I can’t believe you didn’t even question it. What exactly did you think I was doing?”

“Uh,” Buck says shakily.

That gets Eddie’s attention. He sits up a little, bringing the phone closer to his ear.

“Buck. What did you think?”

“I thought…ugh, please don’t judge me.”

“You didn’t judge me for opening the door in my tighty-whiteys. I won’t judge you for whatever this is.”

Buck lets out such a big breath that it has to be nearly all of the air in his lungs. “I thought you were jerking off.”

Eddie feels himself go warm over. “What?” He asks indignantly.

“Why else would you open the door half-naked? And you’re always talking about how you’re home alone with all this time to kill—”

“Jesus,” Eddie breathes, pressing his hand to his (warm) forehead. “I can’t believe you thought that and didn’t even say anything. Like, you were okay with just sitting next to me while you thought I was hard?”

Buck lets out a choked sound. “I didn’t—I didn’t want to bring it up in case it made you feel uncomfortable.”

“If I had done that, I think I would’ve been the one making you feel uncomfortable.”

Buck laughs, though it sounds a little off to Eddie’s ears. “Yeah, I guess so. Uh, look, I’m gonna catch up on some shows and then head to bed. But…thank you for talking with me.”

“Did it help?” Eddie asks. He’s really not sure if he was even a little bit useful.

“Yeah. Oh my god, you helped so much. Forget baking a pie, this was great.”

Eddie snorts in amusement. “Okay, good. Goodnight, Buck.”

“‘Night, Eddie.”

 

---

 

Buck texts him again the next night. It seems like the nights are when he starts missing Tommy the most, which Eddie can understand. He probably spent a lot of his nights with Tommy the past few months, as long as they both were off from work.

 

I’m reading the craziest book right now

 

Eddie gets a little cozier in his bed, turning onto his side so he can text Buck comfortably.

 

Yeah? What’s it about?

 

This guy finds out his wife is cheating on him and meets this other woman who encourages him to kill her

 

Geez. Bit dark isn’t it??

 

lol

 

Buck.

 

I like thrillers!! And this book has already had so many twists in it. I kinda can’t put it down

 

Tell me one of the twists

 

What if you want to read it?

 

Don’t think I will. Too scary

 

Eddie is afraid? 🥺

 

Eddie snorts.

 

Dickhead.

 

😂

Okay okay so the wife who was cheating on him? Come to find out SHE was planning on murdering her husband too! They both were trying to kill each other! Omg

 

Why would she try to murder him??

 

He had moneyyyy 🤑 And she was never as into him as he was into her

 

Wait had past tense? So she was successful?

 

Oop 🫢 Well since you won’t ever read it. Yes she was

 

Omg

 

Right?? She got the guy she was having an affair with to kill him. This is just crazy

 

Eddie laughs a little at how genuinely surprised Buck sounds. He’s glad that he’s giving his attention to something else besides Tommy. But then he realizes he’s probably texting Eddie about the book because he actually wanted to text Tommy about it, and his spirits drop slightly.

 

Well I’m glad you’re reading. I’m not sure I’ve ever even seen you with a book

 

You’re such an asshole lol

 

Eddie smiles so wide at the message that his cheeks hurt.

 

I’ll have you know I love reading!! It’s just hard for me to concentrate on one thing for too long unless I’m Really into it. And I’m really into this book!

 

What other kinds of books do you read? Besides thrillers?

 

I like non-fiction

 

Of course you do

 

🖕 

Sorry that I like LEARNING. Didn’t realize that was a CRIME

 

Did I say it was a bad thing??

 

I could hear your tone.

 

Oh yes, you could hear it over text

 

Yes I could. I know you Eddie

 

I know you do :)

 

Buck takes a minute or two to respond. Eddie tries not to act like he’s obsessively checking his phone for another text, but…well. That would be a lie.

Eventually, another one comes in.

 

Can’t believe you sent a smiley face

 

Well maybe there’s some stuff you don’t know about me ;)

 

a WINKY FACE

Eddie are you trying to kill me

This is crazier than my book

Send an emoji and you might just knock me out

 

Eddie scrolls through the emojis on his phone. It’s true that he barely ever even sends text faces, much less actual emojis. He’s pretty sure the last time he sent one was to Chris, who had laughed at the choice he made and responded with an emoji that was, assumedly, much cooler.

He decides on an emoji that seems pretty neutral.

 

🙂

 

Just so you know I’m laughing really hard right now

 

Eddie smiles stupidly at the message, biting down on his bottom lip.

 

Why?? It wasn’t funny

 

Yes it was

 

And what exactly was funny about it…

 

You kinda picked the lamest emoji

 

Chris said the same thing when I sent it to him :(

 

See Chris has good taste. Don’t know where he gets it from

 

Wait I found another one

🖕

 

Yeah I deserved that lol

I’m gonna get back to reading my book

 

Don’t stay up all night. We have a shift tomorrow

 

Okay Dad

 

Okay well don’t complain to me tomorrow about being tired because I won’t want to hear it

 

Yes you will

 

Fine I’ll still listen…

 

 

:) Goodnight Eddie

 

Night Buck. Enjoy your book

 

Predictably, Buck comes into shift the next morning yawning and with bags under his eyes. Eddie takes one look at him, tsks, and then makes him a cup of coffee the way he likes.

“Tell me what happened?” Eddie asks as he hands Buck his mug.

Buck’s eyes light up. Without wasting a second, he gets into it, gesturing all around with his hands as he speaks. Eddie listens carefully, not taking his eyes off of Buck.

He’s pretty sure it’s not just the coffee that’s making him feel warm.

 

---

 

It’s a busy week for the both of them, so Buck’s texts are not very frequent. One time he sends Eddie a picture of his iced latte at a new coffee shop he tries before shift, with a ‘you want?’ and a winky face.

Eddie does want. So he says yes.

Other than that, it’s really not much. It’s bittersweet for Eddie. He’s glad that Buck seems to be moving on from Tommy. But at the same time, he’s gotten used to their late night conversations. He’s not sure if Buck knows that he can just text him whenever he wants, that Eddie would love to hear from him.

And yes, Eddie does know the phone works both ways. He’s just…a little uncertain about texting Buck first unless he absolutely has to. Buck is always the one who texts first. That’s just how it is.

Apparently, Eddie doesn’t have to think about it that much longer, because Buck texts him late Friday night. It’s the first day off they’ve had in what feels like ages. They also have the next two days off.

Maybe that’s why Buck’s message is sent at 1am.

Eddie had been dozing on the couch, but he jolts awake when he hears the ding of a text coming in. And then another one.

 

Eddie  

Are you awake

 

Eddie’s first thought is that he should be concerned. Buck usually texts him at night, yes, but not this late.

 

Yeah. You okay?

 

I’m drunk :(

 

For some reason, the frowny face gets a laugh out of Eddie. He feels some of the tension ease out of his shoulders.

 

I didn’t know you were going out tonight

 

I didn’t

 

You got drunk at home by yourself?

 

When you say it like that it sounds bad :(

 

Eddie laughs again, rubbing a tired hand over his face.

 

I didn’t even mean to drink this much. I was just thinking. And then I was drinking. Thinking and drinking. Now the room is spinning a little

 

Buck. Please drink water

 

Yessir ;)

 

Eddie does not flush at the text. It’s just Buck messing around with him. Not to mention he’s drunk.

Before he can even think of a response, Buck texts him again.

 

I got water

 

Good. Now drink some

 

Already did but I’ll drink some more just for you ;)

 

What the fuck is even going on? Why does it sound like Buck is flirting with him over drinking water of all things?

 

I wish you were here with me right now

 

Eddie stares at the message for longer than is probably necessarily. This is seriously not helping his freak out.

 

Why?

 

There. Simple and straightforward.

 

Can’t say

 

Jesus. Okay. Whatever. Eddie does not even care. His mind definitely isn’t wandering due to the vagueness of Buck’s response.

 

Why don’t I come over tomorrow morning ? I’ll bring greasy food and coffee

 

Eddie :(

You’re the best :(

 

It’s no problem Buck

 

No seriously I don’t deserve you. You’re so good

 

You think you’re not good too??

 

Maybe you should tell me

 

Buck. I appreciate all that you do for me. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have you in my life

 

Buck doesn’t respond for a while after that. Eddie starts feeling a little worried, so he sends another text.

 

You there, drunky??

 

Buck immediately starts texting back, which tells Eddie he must’ve had his messages open but wasn’t responding for some reason.

 

Yeah

Sorry I’m a mess right now Eddie. I don’t think I should be drinking while I’m dealing with all this shit from the breakup

 

Eddie frowns at his phone. So Buck is still feeling poorly. Bad enough that he wasted a Friday night getting, well, wasted.

 

That might be a good idea

 

But thank you. For what you said. That meant a lot to me

And it definitely didn’t make me start crying or anything. Pffffttt that would be crazy

 

That’s why Buck wasn’t responding. He was crying. Eddie feels like absolute shit all of a sudden. It takes everything in him not to hit the call button on his phone.

 

Buck. Do you want me to call? I’ll call right now if you need someone to talk to. I’ll even come over if that’s what you want

 

No no please no I’m a wreck. I don’t want you to see me like this

 

Buck you literally saw me after I punched holes in my walls and threw my bedroom furniture everywhere. I think we’re past the point of being embarrassed about seeing the other cry

 

I didn’t judge you for that at all Eddie. I was just worried

 

Yeah? Well now you know how I feel

 

Oh…

You really don’t have to worry about me. I’m okay. Or I will be. It’s just a bad night

 

Okay Buck…please get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning

 

I will. Goodnight Eddie

And thank you…for talking with me. You’re the best

 

Eddie sends back a heart emoji and tries not to think too strongly about why that is.

 

---

 

Buck seems alright when Eddie comes over the next morning. He’s a little awkward, clearly somewhat embarrassed, but with enough reassurance from Eddie that it’s fine, he starts lighting up again. By the time they’re finished with their breakfast sandwiches and their coffee has gone cold, Buck is even laughing and happy.

So…just a bad night, like Buck had told him. That’s good. He’s glad that Buck had reached out to him.

There’s no text from Buck for the rest of the day, which Eddie takes as a good sign. Buck isn’t thinking about Tommy. Things are looking up.

Until Buck texts him early Sunday morning.

 

Can I be honest

 

Eddie, who had been stirring but not fully awake yet, sits up in his bed. That text wakes him up enough that he feels like he just downed several shots of espresso.

 

Yeah always

 

Buck spends a long time typing. Eddie’s hands definitely don’t start sweating in anticipation, because that would be weird.

 

The other night…it really wasn’t even just about the breakup. I’m sure that’s probably what you thought. I’m still hung up over Tommy. But that’s not it. I’m…ugh I hate saying this but I’m not doing it face-to-face so text it is. Anyway. I think I’m just really lonely. And because I’m alone so much I spend a lot of that time thinking and my mind kinda…wanders

 

Buck keeps typing, so Eddie waits.

 

Lately I’ve been thinking about what the hell my future is gonna look like. I feel like with all my relationships there’s just…something missing. And when Tommy kissed me I got so excited because I was like that’s it! That’s what I was missing! I thought that because I was dating a guy that it would be different, you know? But it’s still the same. I’m still me

 

Hey. Why are you saying that like it’s a bad thing?

 

When it comes to relationships?? It is a bad thing. I suck at them. I meet someone, I think they’re the one, they start pushing away, I overcompensate to get them to stay, and they leave. They always leave. I’m not worth staying for

 

Fuck it. Eddie hits the call button on his phone. He has too much to say for him to type it all out.

“Eddie,” Buck sniffles, and it hits Eddie like a ton of bricks. “You didn’t have to call—”

“Hey. I wanted to. Mostly because that last message pissed me off.”

Buck sniffs again. “What?”

“You’re not worth staying for? That’s bullshit. Buck, anyone would be lucky to have you. The people you’ve dated just haven’t been right for you. That’s not your fault.”

“It’s not my fault, it’s theirs?” Buck asks with a wet chuckle.

“I’m always going to take your side, Buck. So, yes, to me it’s their fault. Simple as that.”

Buck hums. It’s silent between them for a few moments, nothing but the sound of Buck’s slightly labored breaths from crying, until Eddie speaks again.

“Why is this hitting you so hard right now?” He asks gently. Not in a judging way, but because he genuinely wants to know. He’s seen Buck deal with breakups. Before Tommy, there was Natalia, and Buck was so happy-go-lucky after that breakup that Eddie hadn’t even known there was a breakup. Taylor was harder for him, since they’d dated longer, but even then, Buck had clearly been able to see it coming for a while. He wasn’t blindsided, which meant he’d had more time to prepare himself for the inevitable breakup. With Ali, she had barely been around much anyway. Not seeing her after the breakup was practically already Buck’s norm, so it was easy enough for him to move on.

Buck sighs before he talks. “I guess I’m thinking about the long term, now. My future, like I said. I want—I want to get married. I want to have kids. And I feel like my time is running out. Maddie’s on her second kid and I can’t even make a relationship work.”

Eddie’s heart aches at the words. He’s not even completely sure why. But hearing Buck talk about wanting marriage and kids…it has an effect on him.

“You’ll get that,” Eddie tells him, having to clear his throat when he hears how thick his voice is. “You’re gonna make such a good husband one day. A good father. I know it.”

Buck lets out a wounded noise. “Eddie—”

“I mean it,” Eddie insists, because he can tell Buck was getting ready to protest. “It always blows my mind when I see how good you are with kids. Who wouldn’t want to give you a family?”

Buck chokes on a sob. Eddie really is not trying to make him cry, but he’s unfortunately doing a good job at doing exactly that. This is the second time he’s caused him to cry in nearly as many days.

“I’m sorry, Buck, I’m making things worse—”

“No! Eddie, you’re making them better. You always make things better.” Buck groans, the sound slightly muffled like he’s burying his head in his hands. “Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I should go. I told you, I didn’t want to talk to you while I’m like this. My head is a mess right now.”

“I thought that only applied to when you were drunk?”

“I thought so, too,” Buck grumbles, like he’s genuinely mad at the fact that he’s still having whatever drunken thoughts he had the other night while sober.

Eddie wonders what’s on his mind. It sounds like a lot.

“Well…I’m here, if you want to talk. You know that.”

“I do,” Buck tells him softly. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Eddie.”

Eddie barely gets a bye out before Buck ends the call. Eddie can’t help staring at his phone in confusion, where he’s met with Buck’s long text messages. He reads through them again, frowning at the last sentence. I’m not worth staying for. It’s so blatantly untrue to Eddie that he wants to go over to Buck’s and shake him until he believes otherwise. Wants to tell him that he would never, ever leave if he was lucky enough to have him.

Which…is definitely an interesting thought to have. Eddie’s face goes warm and he throws his phone across the bed like it burned him. Platonically. He meant platonically. If he had Buck as a friend he wouldn’t ever leave him, and he hasn’t! There, point proven.

Eddie buries his face in his pillow. He’ll either suffocate or fall asleep, both of which would ensure he doesn’t have to think anymore.

 

---

 

I’m mostly over Tommy at this point but you know what I miss about him the most now?

 

The text comes in while Eddie is cleaning up dinner. It’s been a decent night—he showered after his shift, talked to Chris, made himself dinner. He was looking forward to having a beer and maybe passing out on the couch while he put on something mindless to watch.

Buck’s message gives him pause, though. The whole reason they’ve been texting is so Buck doesn’t think about Tommy; hence, they don’t talk about him. Buck bringing him up so casually is unusual for them. Not to mention the ‘I’m mostly over Tommy’ part of the message. Eddie did not know that was true. Although, maybe he should’ve. Buck had told him that what he was going through wasn’t just him being hung up on Tommy; it went deeper than that. Maybe that translated to moving on from the relationship.

 

What?

 

His dick

 

Eddie stares at the message. Literally just stares at it. It’s two words and yet he feels like his brain just short-circuited. What the fuck does he even say to that?

 

Are you fucking with me?

 

No! I went from having regular sex to nothing at all. It feels like I’m horny all the time now

 

So…what? Now when you think about reaching out to him it’s for a booty call?

 

I can’t believe you know what a booty call is

 

Hey I’m not that much of a senior citizen…

 

Sure…  

😂

But yeah I guess so. It’s weird because I don’t even feel like baking anymore now that I don’t want him back. Instead I’m just trying to do stuff that gets rid of all this pent up energy. Like exercising, hiking, running. Literally anything physical

 

And does it help?

 

😒

You think I’d be texting you and humiliating myself right now if it did?

 

Not sure what you want me to do about it Buck

 

Nothing!! Omg that’s not what I meant

 

Really? Because I don’t think you would’ve brought it up to me unless you wanted my help. Just like how I helped you when you missed more than just his dick

 

Would it be just like that?

 

Eddie honestly does not know what he’s doing. He should say no, obviously it would be different. He’s still not exactly sure how he feels about Buck but the last few days have him thinking it’s probably not platonic. That’s way too much for Eddie to even begin to unpack, though, so he’s mostly been avoiding it.

Helping Buck get off is decidedly not avoiding it.

 

It could be. If you wanted it to be

 

No one ever said Eddie was smart. Then, just to prove that he really is okay with it, he sends:

 

You’re probably already hard right now

 

Buck immediately starts typing.

 

I’m not Not hard

But like

Not all the way

I feel like I’m just kinda always at half mast these days. The wind hitting me right could get me going

 

Apparently Buck even rambles over text when he’s nervous. It’s cute.

 

Nice of you to compare me to a gust of wind

 

Fuck no Eddie that’s not what I meant

I’m fucking this up omg don’t even listen to me. None of the blood is in my head right now I’ll tell you that much

 

Eddie lets out a puff of air. Buck isn’t thinking clearly because his dick is hard. That’s what he’s saying. Which means Eddie kinda has no choice but to be thinking about Buck’s dick, and it’s…it’s not an unappealing thought. Not in the slightest.

Fuck, it really isn’t platonic.

 

Chill Buck I’m just messing with you

Are you touching yourself?

 

Jfc

Do you want me to?

 

You wouldn’t touch yourself unless I wanted you to?

 

Yeah

 

Eddie’s breath is shaky on his next exhale. The thought of Buck giving up control to him like that…his own pants are starting to feel tight.

He sends the next text while scurrying off to his bedroom.

 

Tease yourself first. I don’t want you just touching your dick and coming. That wouldn’t be fun for either of us

 

God

Okay  

I took my shirt off. I’m brushing my hand over my nipple. It feels so good

 

Yeah? You want it so bad even that feels good to you?

 

God Eddie I can practically hear the meanness in your voice and even that’s working for me

 

Eddie snorts at that message as he lays back in his bed. There’s no doubt that it’s hot, but it’s also kinda funny.

 

Eddie can you tell me what you’re wearing

 

Geez. Well, that settles it. He’s officially sexting.

 

Sweats

 

Eddieeee

 

You want me to take them off?

 

Pleaseeee

 

Eddie pulls his shirt off over his head, then wiggles out of his sweatpants so that he’s just in his boxers. He can see the small tent in them and he hasn’t even touched himself yet.

 

Just in my boxers now. Crazy how I’m already getting hard

 

Oh fuck yeah

You should touch yourself

 

Thought I was the one telling you what to do?

 

You wanted to help me get off? Literally nothing would be hotter to me than you making yourself feel good. Please Eddie

 

That ‘please Eddie’ at the end of the message is what does it. He likes the thought of Buck pleading for him, desperate. With a shaky breath, he runs his hand down his chest with a featherlight touch. He’s teasing himself, like what he told Buck to do, but it sends a shiver down his spine all the same.

 

Okay Buck. Since you asked so nicely

 

Yeah? You’re doing it?

 

Eddie’s hand wanders down further until it’s resting low on his stomach, right above the waistband of his boxers. He wants to prove to Buck that he is, so he opens his camera app, taking a picture of his hand right above the obvious swell in his boxers. He makes sure to get his tense abs in the picture, thinking that Buck will probably like that. The picture isn’t the best or anything, but Eddie sends it before he can overthink it.

 

Holy fuck

You’re so hot  

Get those boxers off baby want you to touch yourself

 

Baby, Eddie thinks to himself. He’s pretty sure he knows what Buck was feeling earlier, because the pet name makes him go actually dizzy with want. It’s hard for him to think about anything outside of Buck and how much he wants him.

Eddie listens to what Buck asked of him and peels his boxers off. When he gets a hand around his dick, his hips jerk up into the touch, while his head plops back into his pillow with a moan. He’s so turned on already, how the fuck is that possible?

 

Got a hand on myself. God it feels good

Kinda wish it was yours instead though

 

Ughhhhh

I wish it was mine too. I’d make you feel so fucking good

 

Eddie’s breath hitches in his throat at the message, working himself faster in his hand. It’s good but a little dry, so he pulls his hand away in order to spit into it. When he touches his cock again, this time with the slick of his spit, it’s so much better. He has to fight the urge to just go crazy and fuck into his own hand until he comes. Instead, he slows down his pace, texting Buck back.

 

I know you would. I keep thinking about if you were here with me. What you would do to me

 

Yeah?? What do you want me to do to you?

Please tell me I need to know so bad

 

Eddie’s breath hitches with a laugh.

 

Made myself wetter by spitting into my hand. So now I’m thinking about if I was in your mouth instead of my hand

 

Yeesssss

Want to suck your dick so bad

I’d get on my knees so quick for you. Wouldn’t even have to think about it. Is that what you want?

 

The mental image of Buck on his knees for him is enough to draw a gasp out of Eddie. Clearly, that is what he wants.

 

Yes that’s what I want. You’d look so pretty on your knees

I bet you’d like it if I fucked your throat, wouldn’t you?

 

Honestly, Eddie has never been a dirty talker before. He doesn’t even know where this is coming from. All he knows is that he’s horny out of his mind and he’s thinking all kinds of things about his best friend, which in turn is getting said best friend off. Buck seems to like it, so why should Eddie stop?

 

Oh fuck yes I’d like that so much

You could get a hand in my hair and just make me take it. Guide all my movements. Can tell you’d love having control like that

 

Fuck, Eddie would. He didn’t even think it was possible for himself to get harder, but his cock jerks in his hand. The feeling has a ragged moan escaping his lips and he works himself faster, his breaths now coming out in desperate pants. He imagines fucking into Buck’s mouth instead of his own hand and feels a hot heat furl low in his stomach, his abdomen muscles clenching. Jesus, he’s close already.

 

Fuck yes

I’m already close Buck

 

Ugh that’s so hot  

I have a hand on myself too. Thinking about you getting off to me. God it’s fucking working for me

 

Yeah? Feels good?

 

Feels soooo good. I’m so hard

 

Eddie wants to see it. He wants to see it so badly. He imagines the sight of Buck’s cock in his hand, how hard and red it would be, probably dripping with precome. A whimper escapes his mouth and he bites down so hard on his bottom lip that he tastes blood.

He doesn’t know how to ask Buck to send a picture, so instead he sends another of himself, hoping that Buck gets the message and responds with one of himself. This picture is closer to his cock, very clearly showing Eddie’s hand wrapped around it. He’s wet at the tip, an almost angry red from how hard he is.

 

Eddie Eddie Eddie

Oh fuck you’re soooo hot

Want your cock so bad  

Want it inside of me  

Wait is that weird?

Fuck it we’re past the point of it being weird and I stand by what I said

Want you to fuck me til I can’t walk straight

 

Buck. Christ.

I’m gonna fucking come

 

Wait wait hold on

Have something for you

 

The message is immediately followed by a picture of Buck with his cock in his hand. It’s less zoomed in than Eddie’s was, which means Eddie can see the fat of his stomach, can see it glistening with what must be Buck’s precome. He pictures his own come coating Buck’s stomach, what that would look like, and that’s—

That’s enough for him. He twists his hand just right and he’s coming, a choked moan leaving his mouth. He closes his eyes and throws his head back as he works himself through it, just taking in the feeling of his orgasm. Sadly enough, Eddie thinks it might be one of the best he’s ever had. He hasn’t felt this good in literal years.

When he starts feeling too sensitive, he lets go of his softening cock with a low whine. He feels bad about leaving Buck hanging for the duration of his orgasm so he takes one more picture to send to him. This one is of his stomach, coated in his own come. Eddie figures that sends the message clearly enough.

Buck seems to think so too.

 

No fucking way

Ohhhh my god

Soooo hot I’m gonna come

That was because of me?

 

All you Buck. Thought about coming on your stomach. Marking you up. That was enough for me

 

Oh fuuuuuck

Yeah

Want that

You could mark me however you want

I’m gonna

 

Eddie thinks he means to say that he’s gonna come, but the next message never comes. He realizes it’s probably because Buck is in fact coming and shivers. Not for the first time tonight, he wishes he could see it.

Buck confirms what he thought with one last picture. It’s similar to the one Eddie had sent him—his stomach, marked with come. It’s so hot, so close to what Eddie had been picturing when he came, that his dick gives a feeble jerk. If he were younger, he’d definitely start to get hard again at the image.

 

That was so good

Seriously Eddie I wasn’t expecting that but thank you for helping

 

You’re welcome Buck  

Not like I didn’t benefit from it too

 

Yeah I guess you’re right ;)

Gonna clean up. Night Eddie

 

Night Buck

 

Eddie sets his phone down beside him with a sigh. He still feels fucked out and sated, but enough time has passed that he’s starting to feel like himself again. He tells himself that he will not freak out over this. He was just helping Buck out, like Buck had said. And if Buck wasn’t worried about it, then why should he?

 

 

---

 

 

Eddie is fine with the whole ‘don’t freak out about it’ thing for the rest of the night. It’s when he gets to the firehouse the next morning and sees Buck that he does in fact freak out a little.

He’s not sure why exactly he freaks out. It’s just…actually seeing Buck in person makes him incredibly aware of the fact that they both got each other off the night before. It feels like they have this secret they’re keeping from the others. And how are they even supposed to act in front of each other now? Normally? Is that even possible?

Safe to say, Eddie spirals a bit.

About halfway through the shift, while Buck is cooking and Eddie has done a good job keeping his distance from him while also trying not to alert him that something is wrong, Eddie asks Hen if they can clean one of the fire trucks off together. When Hen starts to say something, no doubt about them not even needing to be cleaned, Eddie gives her a look. Like, please I need to talk to you and I need to do it privately.

So they go to polish off one of the trucks on the ground level.

“Okay, shoot,” Hen says without wasting a second. “What’s going on, Eddie?”

“Buck and I slept together.”

The rag Hen was using drops to the floor in her shock. “What?”

“Okay, that sounds more serious than it is. We sexted. Last night. And I’m really trying not to freak out about it but I’m pretty sure I am.”

“Okay,” Hen says, trying to process this information. She takes a deep breath as she does so. “Okay. Well, have you talked about it since?”

“Kind of? I mean, not in depth. I offered to help him whenever he thinks about texting Tommy by having him text me instead. We’ve been doing that for a while. But last night he was thinking about Tommy because he was horny, and…well. I offered to help him with that, too.”

Hen’s face takes on a knowing look. “Eddie.”

Eddie immediately panics. “Okay, do not give me that look. I didn’t—I didn’t offer for any other reason than to be a good friend.”

“I have a lot of good friends, Eddie. I can’t say I would help any of them in that way.”

“You’re married,” Eddie protests weakly.

Hen looks unimpressed. “Before that.”

Eddie figures there’s no reason to keep up the act. He sighs, leaning forward so he can press his forehead into the cool metal of the truck. He’s almost definitely smudging it, which goes against the whole point of cleaning it, but oh well.

“I have been dealing with…feelings, lately. For Buck. But I’m so scared of unpacking what that means for me and our friendship that I’ve been ignoring them. When we started talking last night it was like…they all came bubbling up to the surface and I couldn’t avoid them anymore. I wanted to help him. I—I liked it.”

His face is so warm that it’s probably the same color as the fire truck.

“Okay,” Hen says softly. “There’s nothing wrong with that, Eddie. You know that, right?”

“Sure, except for the fact that Buck is super vulnerable right now and shouldn’t have to deal with me imposing my feelings onto him as well.”

“It wouldn’t be an imposition,” Hen tells him, with so much certainty in her voice that Eddie almost believes her. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself and not considering the fact that Buck is the one who first texted you something sexual. I doubt he would’ve done that unless he subconsciously wanted something to happen.”

Huh. Hen makes a good point. And hadn’t Eddie practically said the same thing to Buck last night, before they really got started? Buck had somewhat denied it, but his eagerness to go along with it made Eddie think that he wasn’t being completely truthful.

“What do you think we should do now?” Eddie asks.

“Talk,” Hen says, like it’s obvious.

Maybe it is. But…what would Eddie even say? That he thinks it meant more to him than it did to Buck? He’d just make things weird between them and Buck was dealing with enough right now.

It’s fine. He’ll go back to just being a good friend to Buck and they’ll pretend it never happened. Eddie can live with that.

“Thanks, Hen,” he tells her, because he does appreciate her advice.

“Sure thing, Eddie.”

 

---

 

Things go back to normal, as Eddie expected they would. Because, honestly, it’s not like they were ever not normal for anyone other than him. Buck still treated him like he was his best friend, they still texted regularly, and they didn’t talk about that night. Normal!

Until Buck texts him a few nights later.

 

Soooo

About the other night

 

Fuck. Eddie’s heart picks up pace in his chest. All he can do is stare at his phone while Buck continues to type.

 

Was that a one time thing or would you be down to do it again? No pressure or anything just asking

 

Eddie lets out a breath to steady himself. Okay, this is fine. He just has to set boundaries. He can do that.

 

Do you think we could talk first?

 

Yeah of course!!

 

Eddie starts typing out his next message, but it’s interrupted by Buck calling him. Shit. That is not what Eddie had meant.

Still, he answers it.

“Hey, Buck.”

“Hey!”

Well, at least he sounds normal. Eddie really doesn’t know what he would’ve done if Buck had called him while clearly being turned on.

“Uh, I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t really mean we could talk on the phone.”

“Oh! Shit, Eddie, I just assumed—”

“It’s okay. Probably easier anyway than typing all of this out.”

“Right,” Buck agrees. Eddie hears it, then. A slight hint of nerves. It actually relieves him, the thought of Buck being nervous about this too; of messing things up between them. It’s not just Eddie.

It gives him the confidence to say what he wants to say.

“I just wanted to talk to make sure that if we do this it doesn’t make things awkward between us.”

Buck hums in understanding. “Because you’re straight.”

What? There is no way Buck seriously thinks he’s still straight after all of that.

“Uh, no,” Eddie says awkwardly. “That’s not it.”

“It’s not?”

Buck sounds genuinely confused. Well, that makes two of them.

“Buck,” Eddie says, his voice careful. “I got off to you touching your dick and the thought of you touching mine. I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed.”

“Oh!” Buck exclaims, like that’s his knee jerk reaction. “Oh, okay, that’s…wow. You’re not—? Okay. That’s okay.”

“You sure that’s okay?” Eddie asks him just to be a little shit.

Buck breathes out a shaky chuckle. “Sorry, I’m—not handling this well. Of course it’s okay. It’s more than okay. Thank you for trusting me with that.”

“You trusted me, right? Just thought I should return the favor.”

Buck actually giggles on the other line. Eddie is so hopelessly endeared that he has to bury his head in his arms.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Buck teases him back. “But, wait, if it’s not that, then why would things be awkward between us?”

“Because…” Eddie starts, before trailing off with a sigh. “After last time, I kind of freaked out a little. I didn’t know if I was allowed to bring it up or if it’d be weird or if it was a one time thing or…I just had a lot of uncertainties. So I want to make sure that we’re on the same page before it happens again.”

“I’m sorry you felt like that,” Buck says sincerely. “I didn’t know. But…okay. I basically feel like it doesn’t have to mean anything, okay? It’s just over the phone. And we don’t have to act like it’s not happening. We can talk about it whenever. It doesn’t have to just be when I’m in the mood, either. You can ask for it, too.”

“So…friends who get each other off sometimes?”

“Yeah. If—if that’s what you want.”

It doesn’t sound terrible to Eddie. Of course there are his feelings for Buck, but that’s…a whole other can of worms that he really doesn’t want to get into. He can have casual sex with him. He wants to have casual sex with him. And like Buck said, it’s only over the phone.

“Okay,” Eddie agrees, his heart fluttering in anticipation. “That’s what I want.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.”

“Well…since we’re already on the phone…” Buck trails off suggestively.

Eddie bits down on his bottom lip. “This is a bit different than texting each other.”

Arguably more intimate, but Eddie doesn’t say that.

“In my experience, this is better.”

That really doesn’t surprise Eddie. He thinks about hearing Buck while he comes and has to shift in his seat on the couch, already starting to feel himself get hard.

“In your experience, huh? You have a lot of phone sex?”

“Yeah,” Buck answers smoothly, and something about the confidence in his voice makes Eddie’s pulse jump. Fuck, he has no idea why he’s so on edge already. “I’m good at it, too.”

His tone is bordering on cocky in a way that Buck usually isn’t. Eddie likes it, though. It’s hot.

He decides to tease him instead of letting Buck know how attractive he finds this confidence of his.

“Yeah? How do you know that?”

Buck scoffs. “C’mon, Eddie. Pretty easy to hear when someone’s enjoying themselves.”

“How do you know they weren’t faking?”

“Trust me,” Buck says lowly. “I know.”

Eddie feels a shiver run through him. Okay, he believes him. He really does not doubt that Buck is good at getting people off, even over the phone.

“Prove it,” he tells him.

He hears the soft intake of breath Buck takes and smiles, glad that he’s not the only one affected right now.

“What are you wearing?” Buck asks.

Eddie’s laugh is sharp and loud, not having expected Buck to say that.

“Really? That’s the best you’ve got?”

“Eddie. It’s a classic. Tell me.”

“What if I said I’ve got nothing on?” Eddie asks, purposely pitching his voice lower.

“Hey,” Buck scolds him. “First rule of phone sex: no lying.”

“There are rules?”

“You are so difficult.”

Eddie snickers to himself. Still, he gets up, making his way to his bedroom. As he does so, he peels his shirt off and tosses it on the floor.

“I’m humbling you,” he says to Buck. “But okay. I’m not wearing a shirt. I have a pair of sweat shorts on and nothing underneath.”

“No boxers?” Buck asks, like he’s just hit the lottery.

“Nope.”

“Fuck,” Buck mutters under his breath, but Eddie can still hear it. “Why were you going commando?”

“Because who cares if my dick is out if I’m home alone anyway?”

“Right,” Buck says. Eddie can hear the slight hitch to his voice, like thinking about Eddie’s dick in his shorts is getting to him. “Are you in bed?”

“Am now,” Eddie confirms.

“Good. That’s good. I am, too.”

“Yeah? And what are you wearing?”

Buck chuckles. “Look at that, the student becomes the master.”

“I’m trying to get an A here,” Eddie teases him.

“I’m—I’m in my boxers. No shirt.”

“Hm,” Eddie hums. “You were getting ready for this, weren’t you? You wanted me that bad?”

“M-maybe,” Buck says noncommittally, like Eddie can’t hear it in his voice.

“And what would you have done if I said no?”

“Gotten myself off.”

“You wouldn’t have called Tommy?”

Eddie isn’t even sure why he asks it. Maybe for the satisfaction of hearing Buck say no. Apparently he’s already possessive, so that’s…something.

“No,” Buck says, and Eddie can hear the absolute certainty in his voice. It causes a thrill to shoot through him.

“Good,” Eddie murmurs. “That’s good. How would you have gotten yourself off?”

He can hear Buck swallow across the line. “I was thinking of using my fingers.”

Jesus Christ. The blood rushes down to Eddie’s crotch so fast at those words that he has to palm himself through his shorts just to relieve some of the pressure.

“You should—you should do that,” Eddie says, his voice rough.

“Yeah?” Buck asks. Eddie can picture the shit-eating grin on his face so clearly. “You like that?”

“Yes. Now get your boxers off and touch yourself.”

Buck laughs, though there’s a rustling of his sheets, like he is in fact taking his boxers off.

“Rule number two of phone sex: patience.”

Eddie huffs. “I’m already hard and I haven’t even touched my dick yet. Ask me how I feel about patience.”

“Careful, Eddie. You just slipped down to a B-.”

Eddie is seriously going to lose his mind.

He decides to play nice.

“Please,” he says, in his best needy voice. “Get a hand on yourself. Make yourself feel good. I wanna hear it.”

The noise that Buck makes at those words sounds like it was punched out of him. Eddie resists the urge to smirk.

“Okay,” Buck says roughly. “I’m gonna—gonna get the lube. Make it wet for me.”

“Yeah, baby. You do that.”

The pet name slips out before Eddie can even think about it. But if the soft whine Buck lets out in response is any indication, he doesn’t think Buck minds it.

Buck must put his phone on speaker, because suddenly Eddie can hear everything. The sheets rustling as he reaches for the lube, the snick of the container opening and closing, and then…and then Eddie hears the wet sound of Buck’s hand slapping against his cock, stroking it.

“Fuck,” Eddie groans at the same time a breathy moan leaves Buck’s lips. “I can—I can hear it.”

“Uh huh,” Buck gasps. “You hear how desperate I am? How much I want it?”

He can, is the thing. Can hear it when Buck speeds up or slows down his pace while he fucks his hand. It’s fucking insane. Eddie shoves his shorts off so he’s naked and his cock is no longer restrained, breathing a sigh of relief once it’s free. He then gets a hand on himself, not really to get off, not yet, but because he’s so hard he’s aching.

“Third rule of phone sex,” Buck says, even though his breath is shaky and labored. Eddie almost has to admire him for sticking to the whole teacher shtick even when he’s got a hand on his cock. “You gotta tell me what you’re doing.”

“Took my shorts off,” Eddie tells him. “You’ve got me so hard, Buck. Felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t get a hand on myself.”

“You’re t-touching yourself?” Buck chokes out.

“Yeah. Not too much, though. Wanna wait until you’ve got your fingers inside of yourself. You still gonna do that for me?”

“Mhm,” Buck agrees, and the sound of his hand on his cock goes away. Eddie feels lightheaded with anticipation. He can’t believe Buck’s about to finger himself; that he’s going to be able to hear all the noises he makes.

“First finger,” Buck tells him.

Eddie hears the soft breath Buck takes in when his finger enters himself, like he’s getting used to the stretch of it.

“That’s it,” Eddie encourages him. “You’re doing so good.”

Buck moans, low in his throat, and Eddie can’t help wondering if it’s from the praise. It’s something for him to keep in mind.

“Second.”

Buck’s breaths start coming faster once he has a second finger inside of himself. Eddie wishes so fucking badly that he could see him. He knows Buck’s hole must look so perfect being stretched out by his fingers—that it’d look even better with Eddie’s cock inside of it. He’d fuck Buck so well.

“What—what’s it feel like?” Eddie finds himself asking.

Buck exhales shakily. “You’ve never…?”

“Buck. I just found out I liked men the other day.”

“Okay, well, you don’t have to like men to do this. Taylor used to peg me.”

Eddie nearly chokes on his own spit. “What?”

Buck huffs out an exasperated breath. “Okay, this isn’t—this isn’t about her. It can be a little weird at first but then…I don’t know. Your body gets used to it. It makes you feel f-full.”

The hitch in Buck’s breath on the last word has Eddie’s hand moving on his cock, lazily stroking it.

“Wish I could see you,” Eddie tells him. “Bet you look so pretty right now.”

“Eddie,” Buck breathes out, and Eddie moans, hand working faster on himself. “When it’s—when it’s yourself, sometimes it can be hard to get the angle right. You wanna—ah!”

Buck keens, the sound completely catching Eddie off guard.

“Buck, are you—?”

“Yeah,” Buck rasps. “Fuck. I was gonna say you want to hit your prostate and that’s exactly what I did.”

Oh, it was a good sound.

Eddie wants him to make it again.

“That good, huh?” He asks lowly.

“You have no idea,” Buck pants. He must hit it again because he whimpers, the sound going straight to Eddie’s cock and causing his hips to jerk upward into his hand. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It’s so fucking good, he almost can’t believe it.

“You could show me,” Eddie says before he can even really think about it. “Walk me through it, since you’ve done such a good job explaining phone sex to me.”

Buck’s laugh is a breathless one, sounding more like his breath hitching and unhitching.

“I wish—fuck, I wish this was your cock instead.”

Apparently Eddie wishes that too, if the simmering heat that twists in his stomach at the words is any indication. He thinks about fucking Buck, of being inside him, being the one to draw all these noises out of him.

Yeah. He’d…he’d like that, too.

“I’d fuck you so good, baby,” Eddie drawls, hears the sharp gasp from Buck at the words. “That’s what you want? Want me inside you?”

“Uh huh,” Buck gasps. Eddie can tell he must be hitting that spot inside of himself consistently now from how worked up he sounds, letting out these punched out noises every few seconds. “Want it so bad. You’d—oh. You’d make me feel so good. Fuck. Eddie.”

The breathless way Buck says his name draws a moan out of Eddie, his stomach clenching from how close he suddenly is. He genuinely can’t believe that he gets to hear Buck work himself up until he’s a panting, babbling mess, just trying to make himself come. It’s the hottest thing Eddie has ever heard before and it’s not even close.

“You close, baby?” He asks him, has to bite down hard on his bottom lip at Buck’s whimpered mhm. “C’mon, then. Do it for me. I want to hear you when you fall apart.”

“Fuck. Eddie, I’m gonna—”

Eddie can hear that Buck is jerking himself off again, his pace the fastest it’s been yet as he chases his orgasm. It causes Eddie’s hand to move faster on himself too, imagining that he’s fucking into Buck instead of the hot heat of his hand.

“That’s right, Buck. Coming when I ask you to. Good boy.”

It honestly slips out before Eddie can even think about it, as horny as he is.

He’s not expecting Buck’s sharp inhale of breath, the way he gasps out oh god oh Eddie and then comes.

Because Eddie told him to. Because Eddie said he’d be a good boy if he did.

It’s so fucking hot that Eddie’s stomach clenches and he’s spilling into his own hand with a moan, following right after Buck. His orgasm is so strong that some of his come shoots up all the way to his chin.

He can hear Buck catching his breath on the other line. Eddie lets go of his now soft cock and sinks into his mattress, doing the same. He feels boneless, all sated and satisfied from how good that was.

“You know,” Eddie speaks up after a little while. “I think you were right.”

“Hm?” Buck hums. “About what?”

“You really are good at phone sex.”

Buck’s bark of laughter has Eddie smiling widely, feeling warm all over.

 

---

 

They kind of become a bit obsessed with it after that.

They don’t do it every night, because that would be crazy, but sometimes if they’re trying to blow off some steam from an exhilarating shift or are bored during a day off—Eddie can expect to hear from Buck.

It’s weird, how not weird it is between them. They still text normally, still hang out outside of work, still work perfectly together as partners.

They also just get each other off a few times a week.

Things are…good. Really good. And they’re made even better when Chris calls him a couple weeks before Christmas asking if he can come home soon.

Eddie can barely believe it. He says yes so quickly that he nearly chokes the word out.

It’s difficult finding an affordable flight right before the holidays, but he wants desperately to get Chris home as soon as possible. So Eddie does the next best thing—the week before Christmas, he schedules a few days off so he can drive to El Paso and get him.

It’s not necessarily ideal, but he wants to see Chris so badly that he can’t even bring himself to care. He’d drive all the way across the country for him—El Paso is nothing.

There’s no one Eddie wants to tell more than Buck. He gets his phone out and texts him.

 

Guess who’s coming home next week?

 

Omg. No way!!! Chris???

 

Yeah :)

 

Eddie that’s so fucking great!!!

You’re flying right before the holiday?

 

Driving :(

I requested a few days off next week and cleared it with Bobby

 

Oof…

 

Yeah but it’s worth it

 

Of course it is ❤️

I’m so excited to see him again

 

Me too. I never…

I don’t know.

I didn’t think he’d be gone this long

 

I know it’s been hard :(

 

Makes me feel like a failure I guess

 

Hey. You’re not a failure

 

I should’ve been able to get through to him sooner. The last month or so has been alright but there were so many months where he refused to even talk to me

 

He’s just stubborn, Eddie. I wonder who he gets that from?? 🤔

 

Despite himself, Eddie laughs. His eyes are teary, but leave it to Buck to still make him laugh.

 

Thank you Buck. Shooting me while I’m already down

 

I’m kiddingggg

He loves you, Eddie. He was just hurt and needed time. Maybe more time than we expected but the good thing is that he’s coming home now. Things are looking up!!

 

Eddie smiles shakily, wiping some of the tears from his eyes. He likes Buck’s optimism. He’s not sure he deserves it, but it warms his heart nonetheless.

 

Thanks Buck

You should come over when we get back. I’m sure Chris wants to see you more than anything

 

Oh heck yeah

I’m there

 

So, things are good.

Naturally, that’s when they go to shit.

It’s Eddie’s last shift before he goes to get Chris, so the mindset he approaches it with is that he’s just gotta get through the day. Once he’s off, he can see his son again. He’s practically buzzing with nerves and anticipation.

The shift is a pretty standard one, nothing too serious. That is, until their last call.

They’re responding to an accident on the 110. It isn’t until they actually get there that Eddie sees how bad it is.

There’s two cars that are completely totaled. The perpetrator’s car is worse off, the whole front half crushed from rear ending the victim’s car. Bobby instructs Eddie to go to that driver while Hen, Chim and Buck help the people in the car up front.

The door of the car is clearly inoperable, so Eddie breaks the driver’s side window instead. He tries to alert the driver first, but he can see that the man is passed out and bloody. With the window gone, Eddie realizes that it’s even worse than he thought. The driver was practically crushed alongside his car. He can also smell the booze radiating off of him. It’s not surprising that an accident this bad and yet this avoidable was caused by a drunk driver.

Eddie swallows back his nausea and reaches forward with a gloved hand to try and find a pulse in the man’s neck.

There’s nothing.

Eddie alerts Bobby that he can’t find a pulse. It’s then that he sees what’s going on with the other car.

There are two passengers, a man and a woman who seem to be in their late-twenties or early-thirties. The woman is awake, scraped up and bleeding but otherwise seemingly okay.

She’s also hysterical.

Eddie quickly realizes why that is—the man in the car next to her is unconscious, if not worse. Hen and Chim are trying to help him while Buck comforts the woman.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but we need to get you help,” Buck pleads.

“I don’t want help! I want—I want him to be okay! I want you to help him!” She chokes on a sob. “This can’t be happening.”

“I’m so sorry,” Buck repeats, looking at a loss.

The woman seems to lose the fight in her as she slumps against Buck and sobs. Eventually, Eddie helps Buck get her into an ambulance. The last they see of her is her staring blankly as a paramedic takes her vitals.

It’s awful. It’s never easy helping someone who’s just lost a loved one and is dealing with fresh grief.

The ride back to the station is somber. Buck, in particular, seems to be taking it the hardest. Eddie tries to get his attention but he stares unseeingly out of the window instead. It’s not much better when they get back to the station, either. While they’re changing in the locker room before heading out, Eddie asks him if he’s okay.

“Fine, Eddie,” Buck says, in a way that tells Eddie he actually means the exact opposite. “Don’t worry about me. Have a safe trip tomorrow.”

Then he’s gone.

Eddie tries to listen to him and not worry. He goes home, showers, orders takeout for dinner because the last thing he feels like is cooking. He texts Buck before he starts packing for his trip, just a simple ‘hey,’ and it isn’t until his duffle bag is full that he realizes Buck never texted back.

Fuck. That’s just not like him. They always text each other back, usually within a few minutes, too.

“I’m not going to worry about it,” Eddie tells himself, repeating the words so he believes them.

It’s just. He’s going to be in Texas for the next few days with no idea how Buck is. What if he doesn’t text him back for the duration of Eddie’s trip? Eddie knows himself; he’ll be absolutely out of his mind with worry.

Eddie does the only thing he can think of. He carries his duffle bag into his truck and drives to Buck’s loft.

Maybe it’s an overreaction, and maybe Buck will be mad that Eddie came over without even telling him, but oh well. He has to make sure that Buck is okay. The thought of him hurting alone makes Eddie feel physically pained.

Once he gets to Buck’s loft, Eddie at least has the decency to knock first. Unsurprisingly, there’s no answer.

“Buck,” Eddie hisses under his breath. He digs out the key to Buck’s loft from his pants pocket and lets himself inside.

It’s dark in the loft. Eddie is pretty sure there’s not a single light on. He gropes along the wall for a second before finding a light switch and turning it on, lighting up the kitchen. It’s empty. Eddie steps further inside and sees that the living room is, as well.

His stomach flips anxiously. Is Buck not home? He has no idea where he would be if not.

“Buck?” He calls out, trying not to sound too panicked.

It’s quiet for a few moments. And then,

“Eddie?”

Eddie breathes a huge sigh of relief. Buck’s voice had come from upstairs. He’s in his room. He’s okay.

“I’m coming up, okay?”

Buck is quiet again, so Eddie figures that means it’s okay. It’s at least better than Buck telling him not to.

The upstairs is similarly dark. Eddie turns on a light up there and is met with the sight of Buck lying on his bed, on top of the covers, still in the outfit he wore out of the firehouse. It makes Eddie’s heart ache in his chest.

“Buck,” he says softly, sitting on the side of the bed that Buck isn’t occupying.

Buck’s head is buried in his pillow. He’d clearly been asleep, which explains the unanswered text and all of the lights being off. At the sound of Eddie’s voice, he squints his eyes open, looking over at Eddie skeptically. This close to him, Eddie can see the dried tears on his cheeks.

“Hey,” Eddie says, lightly admonishing. “I thought you said you were okay.”

“I am okay,” Buck answers petulantly.

“Yeah?” Eddie brushes his thumb over one of the tear stains. “Is that why you came home and cried yourself to sleep?”

Buck looks away, caught. “It—it was just a bad call. It happens.”

“I know it does,” Eddie murmurs.

“So then why are you here?” Buck asks. Not in a mean way, but like he genuinely wants to know. “You should be getting ready for your trip tomorrow. Not worrying about me.”

“Tough luck,” Eddie tells him. “I’m always worried about you.”

Buck looks back up at him, confusion evident on his face. “Always?”

Maybe it’s too revealing of a thing to say, but…

“I like knowing that you’re okay,” Eddie responds quietly. “When you didn’t text me back, I…I got worried. I tried not to be, but I couldn’t help it.”

“I’m sorry,” Buck murmurs.

Eddie shakes his head. “I wasn’t saying that to make you feel bad. Just thought you should know.”

Buck is quiet as his eyes roam across Eddie’s face, like he’s searching for something. Eddie clears his throat and looks away from him.

“How about you take a shower and get into something more comfortable?” He suggests, standing up from Buck’s bed. “Have you eaten? I can order you something if you haven’t.”

“Eddie,” Buck groans. “You don’t have to do all this.”

Eddie shrugs. “I want to. Go shower.”

Buck looks like he wants to fight it a little more, but he ultimately stands up and heads to the bathroom with a sigh.

 

---

 

Eddie can tell that Buck starts feeling more like himself once he’s showered and eaten. Eddie had ordered him Thai food from the place close to his loft that he knows Buck loves. When Buck had seen that, he’d looked at Eddie with so much gratitude that Eddie’d been forced to look away, flustered.

Despite feeling a bit better, Buck is clearly still exhausted from how emotionally taxing the day was. His eyes blink heavily as he finishes up his food next to Eddie on the couch.

“You should get some sleep,” Eddie tells him lightly, his hand resting on Buck’s shoulder.

Buck nods, staring at Eddie for a moment before quickly looking away. It piques Eddie’s interest. He looks like he wants to ask something but isn’t sure how.

“What?” Eddie utters.

Buck swallows. “Do you think you could stay?”

Oh.

Buck must mistake his surprise as reluctance, because he keeps talking. “I know you’re leaving for El Paso tomorrow and it’s totally okay if you need to be at home for that, it’s just—I don’t really want to be alone? Having you here has been really nice.”

Eddie wills himself not to blush again, but he can feel his cheeks warming, so he’s not sure he’s successful.

“Buck. I can stay. I have my duffle bag in my truck, I’ll leave first thing tomorrow.”

Buck smiles, small but still there. “Good. That’s—that’s good.”

“Even though your couch is uncomfortable as shit,” Eddie teases lightly.

“Oh, uh…” Buck clears his throat. “I was thinking you could stay upstairs? With me?”

In Buck’s bed. Eddie tries hard not to look like he’s affected by that, even though his heart and mind are both racing.

“Yeah,” he says, aiming for casual. “I could do that.”

It’s not like he expects anything to happen—not in the slightest. Buck is tired, vulnerable and upset. He’ll probably clonk out as soon as he hits the bed. It’s just that the last time they’d shared a bed together had been during quarantine. Back then, Eddie hadn’t been anywhere close to figuring out he’s gay and in love with Buck. Sharing a bed with him while knowing that feels different. Really different.

He tells Buck to head up while he cleans up downstairs. Buck looks like he wants to argue, but his tiredness wins and has him trudging up the stairs. By the time Eddie makes his way up, Buck is back on his side of the bed, under the covers this time. His eyes are closed, but Eddie can tell by his breathing that he’s not quite asleep yet.

Eddie takes one last steadying breath before lying down next to him.

He lays on his side so that he’s facing Buck. His breath only catches in his throat a little when Buck opens his eyes and smiles at him.

“Hey,” he says sleepily.

Eddie smiles back at him. “Hi.”

“Thank you. For tonight.”

Eddie nods, unsure how to say that it was just as much for him as it was for Buck.

“Do you…do you want to talk about it?” Eddie asks, keeping his voice low. “What upset you so much about this call?”

In their line of work, they deal with a lot of loss. It isn’t really something that you ever get used to, but they’re all able to put their own feelings aside and keep on moving. Sometimes, though, there are calls that impact you more than others. That’s what this one seemed to be for Buck.

“They were married,” Buck murmurs, pursing his lips. “She—she told me they have a kid.”

“Fuck,” Eddie breathes out, his own heart breaking in his chest.

“Yeah. I just. I guess I don’t understand it. You can find the love of your life, start a family, and still lose it. It’s not fair.”

“I know,” Eddie sighs.

Buck gives him a sad look. “You probably understand that, right?”

Eddie honest to god thinks that Buck is talking about the time he was struck by lightning and died for three minutes. It isn’t until Buck adds, “Because of Shannon?” that Eddie remembers he lost his wife.

This whole ‘feelings for Buck’ thing is starting to get out of hand.

“Uh,” Eddie starts, trying to think about how to say this. “It was a bit different.”

Buck’s eyebrows furrow. “How so?”

The thing is, having feelings for Buck has made Eddie reevaluate his feelings for Shannon quite a bit. He loved her, of course he did, she was his best friend and Chris’ mom. He’s just not sure if it was a romantic love. The attraction he has to Buck…how he can make Eddie’s stomach swoop and heart race with just a simple smile or text message. How Eddie worries about him and would spend all of his time with Buck if that was possible. He didn’t feel any of that with Shannon. It felt like…he was with her mostly out of obligation to his parents, to Chris, the Church. Not for himself and his own happiness.

He doesn’t quite know how to express all of this to Buck.

“I think I’m gay,” he settles on saying, because somehow that’s easier. “Like. Almost fully gay. So…I don’t think Shannon was the love of my life. I did love her, but. It’s just different. I guess it’s hard to explain.”

Buck nods, a small, encouraging smile on his face. “I think I get it.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm. And a part of you will always miss her, but…maybe this can be a hopeful thing, too. It means you could still find the love of your life.”

Eddie’s face feels hot. The fact that it’s Buck saying that…he wants so badly to tell him that it’s him. That Buck has made him feel things he never thought he was capable of feeling. That Eddie would spend the rest of his life with him if he could.

He doesn’t think that would go over very well.

“Maybe,” he says noncommittally.

He expects Buck to drop it.

Buck very much does not.

He leans in a bit closer to Eddie, like this is all incredibly interesting to him. “You don’t want to fall in love?”

Eddie huffs. “I didn’t say that.”

“No, but you also didn’t sound enthused at the thought of finding the love of your life. It’s—it’s supposed to be a good thing.”

Sure, except when said love of your life is your best friend and also doesn’t love you back.

Eddie hopes his face isn’t giving anything away. At least it’s pretty dark in the room.

“I’m sure it would be,” Eddie murmurs, a hint of sadness to his voice. “We should go to sleep. You’re exhausted and I have to get up early.”

“Okay,” Buck agrees, though he looks confused about how the conversation took a turn like this.

Eddie turns around so his back is to Buck and closes his eyes.

 

---

 

When Eddie wakes up, it’s to Buck spooning him. As if they hadn’t fallen asleep turned away from each other on opposite sides of the bed.

Eddie, because he’s truly unable to not think about it, takes in how it feels to wake up in Buck’s arms. Surprising to no one, it’s nice. Really nice. Buck’s arms are big and strong around his waist, his chest solid and warm against Eddie’s back.

It isn’t until he shifts a little that he realizes Buck is hard where his crotch is pressed against Eddie’s ass. It causes his breath to hitch in his throat.

“Eddie?” Buck murmurs, his voice still raspy from sleep. Even that is ridiculously hot to Eddie right now. He feels like he’s seconds away from losing it.

“Yeah?” Eddie whispers. It’s stupidly early, the sun not even all the way up yet. If Eddie had to guess, he’d say it’s five or five-thirty.

“When do you have to leave?” Buck asks him.

Notably, he has not moved from where he’s holding Eddie. Eddie wonders if Buck has noticed that he’s hard yet, if he has and just doesn’t care.

Eddie squints his eyes open so he can look at the clock on Buck’s nightstand. It’s a few minutes after five, as he’d expected. He’d like to be on the road by around six.

“Not for another hour,” Eddie says. Then, because he’s clearly lost it, he adds: “Why do you ask?”

One of Buck’s hands that had been resting on his lower stomach brushes lightly against the skin there, pulling Eddie’s shirt up so he can touch bare skin. Eddie tries to hide his gasp, but he’s not sure he’s successful. He can feel his body starting to react to Buck’s touch.

“Would you want—” Buck starts, but has to break off to clear his throat. “I know we said it’d just be over the phone but—”

Eddie wants so badly he’s nearly dizzy with it. He turns around in Buck’s arms so he can face him, so Buck can see the desire that’s undoubtedly written all over his face.

“I want to,” he tells him, and the heat in his stomach only grows when Buck licks his lips.

“Yeah?” Buck asks. His voice is still raspy, but Eddie doesn’t think it’s just from sleep, this time. He can hear the lust in Buck’s voice. “Are you sure? Because—”

Eddie really can’t wait for a moment longer. He wraps his arms around Buck’s neck and pulls him down so their lips can meet. It’s immediately hungry and dirty, the two of them licking into each other’s mouths. Eddie wonders, offhandedly, if he should feel bad about the fact that his first kiss with Buck is mostly out of desperation and not something softer. But he just can’t bring himself to care. He wants Buck so badly, and if this is how he gets to have him, then he’s more than okay with it.

Eddie shifts so his thigh is in between Buck’s legs, allowing Buck to grind against him. Buck immediately takes the hint, rutting against Eddie’s solid thigh with a moan that feels like a hot gasp of air against Eddie’s mouth.

“Eddie,” Buck breathes, his breath hitching and unhitching as he works himself up. “You feel so—god. I’ve wanted this. Wanted it so bad. Didn’t know how to ask.”

The words make Eddie feel shivery all over. Buck wanted this—wanted him. Not just over the phone, but in person. It’s sort of exhilarating, knowing that he was wanted like this by the one person Eddie would even consider doing this with.

“Wanted you, too,” Eddie tells him. He can feel a wet spot against his thigh and he pulls away, not wanting Buck to come just from grinding against him. It’s hot, don’t get him wrong, but he thinks they can do more than that while they’re here.

Buck whines, needy. “Eddie,” he complains.

“You’re not coming in your pants,” Eddie tells him, voice stern and a little bit degrading in a way that has Buck squirming. “Can you take your shirt and shorts off for me?”

Buck scrambles to do so, wiggling out of his black lounge shorts and throwing them off the bed. He does the same with his oversized sleep shirt. It’s then that he sees Buck isn’t wearing any boxers. Instead, Eddie is met with the sight of Buck’s bare cock, so hard it’s curled against his stomach and leaking precome.

They’ve barely even done anything. Jesus Christ.

“God, you’re such a slut,” Eddie says, mostly as a joke, but he’s not sure it lands because he’s breathless and Buck’s eyes go dark like he likes being called that. So. That’s interesting.

“Why weren’t you wearing boxers?” Eddie asks him, his hand resting on Buck’s chest and slowly moving further down. He can feel Buck quivering from his touch, can feel the way his breath quickens in his chest. “Were you expecting something to happen?”

“N-no,” Buck stammers.

Eddie’s not sure he believes him. He pinches one of his nipples in retaliation, biting his lip at the way it draws a moan out of Buck.

“I wasn’t,” Buck swears. “I don’t like sleeping in boxers. I like…” He groans, his face going red like it’s embarrassing. “I like being free.”

Honestly, Eddie doesn’t know why he’s embarrassed by that. It sounds hot as fuck to him.

He doesn’t let Buck know that, though. Instead, he hums, continuing to move his hand lower. Eddie leans in to suck on the smooth, smooth skin of Buck’s throat as he gets a hand around him, thumbing at the tip of his cock to spread some of the precome there.

“Eddie,” Buck gasps, and it gets a noise out of Eddie too, how good it sounds to have Buck gasping his name. “Please, I want—can I—“

“What do you want, baby?” He murmurs into Buck’s ear, smiling when the pet name causes Buck’s breath to catch in his throat.

“Wanna get my hands on you, too,” Buck says, pulling on the drawstrings of Eddie’s shorts. “Make you feel good.”

Eddie sucks in a breath at the words. It’s not surprising that Buck wants that, not at all. When they would do this over the phone, it seemed like Buck got off more at Eddie getting himself off than he did at his own touch. But it’s still a bit dizzying to have Buck wanting to touch him.

“Okay,” Eddie agrees quietly.

He strips off his shirt, his shorts, and then removes his boxers pointedly enough that Buck breathes out a laugh. It dies in his throat as he takes in Eddie’s naked body. Eddie sees his fingers literally twitch with the urge to touch him.

“Can I—“ Buck starts, and Eddie chuckles, finding it strangely endearing that Buck is being so careful with him. It’s really not necessary, but it makes him feel warm all the same.

“Buck,” Eddie utters, taking one of Buck’s hands in his and twining their fingers together. “I’m yours. You don’t have to ask.”

Maybe it’s too revealing of a thing to say, but Buck doesn’t seem to mind. His eyes go wide and he pulls Eddie into another kiss, his free hand running all over Eddie’s chest and stomach, committing it to memory. He moves his hand to the small of Eddie’s back, resting it there as he pushes Eddie closer to him. Their bodies press against each other and it’s so much better now that neither of them are wearing clothes. Eddie gasps when their bare cocks brush against each other, his hands tightening their grasp on Buck’s shoulders.

It’s not like anything Eddie has ever felt before. It’s hard to wrap his head around, how something as simple as this can feel so good.

Buck’s hand sinks lower so he can palm at Eddie’s ass, causing Eddie to laugh breathily at the same time that Buck moans against his lips.

“Didn’t realize you were such a big fan of my ass,” Eddie teases. Even that feels good—Buck’s big hand on him, kneading the skin of his ass. It’s made better by the fact that Buck looks like he can’t quite believe this is his life.

“Are you kidding?” Buck asks. “It’s fucking perfect. God, I’ve been—I’ve been thinking about this.”

Eddie hums. “Sounds like you’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately.”

“Can you blame me?” Buck asks, his voice taking on a whiney quality as they continue to move against each other. “You’re perfect. I’m so—I’m so lucky.”

Eddie flushes at the words, suddenly flustered. Buck is always so earnest, is the thing. When he says something like that, Eddie can tell he means it completely.

Eddie doesn’t know what to say, so he pulls Buck in for another kiss, one of his hands wandering down to wrap around both of their cocks. Buck immediately gets on board, his hand joining Eddie’s so they can jerk each other off.

“God. Fuck,” Buck gasps, his forehead knocking lightly against Eddie’s as he leans forward, panting heavily against Eddie’s mouth.

He’s so vocal. Eddie doesn’t know if he’s ever been with someone this vocal before, though it’s not exactly like he has a breadth of experience. He feels like he’s barely even doing anything and Buck is falling apart in his hands.

Not that Eddie isn’t, too. He can feel that familiar tug in his gut, getting hotter and hotter as he and Buck fuck against each other in their hands.

“Are you close?” Eddie asks, having to swallow when he hears just how gone he sounds. He’s not sure he’s ever heard himself sound like that.

“Uh huh,” Buck grunts. “So close.”

Eddie wants him to come more than anything in that moment. He wants Buck to moan his name, wants to see his face as he falls apart, wants to feel it as he does.

“C’mon, then,” Eddie urges him, pressing a kiss to his cheek and then working his way down his jaw. “I want it. You gonna give it to me?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Buck blabs. “Gonna—just for you—“

Eddie moans, low in his throat. He likes the sound of that.

“Yeah, just for me,” he agrees. He twists his hand around the both of them just so, a move that always manages to finish him off when he’s getting himself off, and that’s it. Buck is spilling against both of their hands, their cocks, their stomachs, Eddie’s name on his lips as he does so.

Eddie keeps his eyes trained on Buck’s face, unable to look away even if he tried. His eyes are shut in bliss, those perfect pink lips of his in an ‘o.’ He’s sweaty and flushed, breathing heavy as he comes down from his orgasm. Eddie’s hand moves faster on himself, now wet with Buck’s come, and that’s enough for him. He’s following right after Buck, his head plopping down onto Buck’s shoulder as he comes.

Eddie has to take several moments to catch his breath, and he can tell that Buck is doing the same exact thing. He’s never had an orgasm that intense before, never felt that good leading up to it. It’s probably rather pathetic, not having good sex until his thirties, but it’s not like Buck seemed to mind. Eddie can very clearly tell that he enjoyed himself, despite Eddie’s lack of experience.

As much as Eddie would like to just bask in this moment, he knows that he can’t. One, the two of them being drenched in sweat and come is very quickly going to become disgusting and uncomfortable. And two, Eddie needs to get on the road soon.

“You wanna shower?” Buck asks him, running his (clean) hand through Eddie’s sweaty hair.

Well. Eddie can be a little late.

 

---

 

In hindsight, hooking up with Buck for the first time before a several hour drive was not the brightest idea Eddie has ever had. He’s not going to say he spends the entire drive thinking about it and what this means for them, but…it’s definitely a good chunk of it.

It’s just…he feels like the boundaries between himself and Buck keep changing. First, it was getting each other off through text. Then over the phone. Now…in person? It’s completely possible that it was just a one time thing, but Buck had told him that he’d wanted to do this and just hadn’t been sure how to ask. So…maybe not a one time thing?

It’d felt great in the moment, but now Eddie is unsure. He feels like he’s just going to get hurt. Having sex is sort of a big deal for him, and if he keeps having sex with Buck (especially in person) while feeling the way he does towards him, Eddie feels like it’s all just going to come spilling out eventually. And he can’t risk that. He’s perfectly fine just keeping his feelings to himself, if it means not losing Buck.

They probably need to have another talk. Preferably, one that doesn’t end in them getting each other off again.

But it’s not like Eddie can talk to him now. He’s going to be in El Paso for the next few days, so he needs to focus solely on Chris for the moment. That’s his main priority. Eddie knows that he does want to come home, and they’ve been talking more lately, but they still haven’t talked about the reason Chris left in the first place; what Eddie did that drove him away. Eddie figures they should probably also have a talk about the new discoveries he’s made about himself, because the two conversations will likely go hand-in-hand.

Eddie isn’t nervous, per se. Or, well, he is, but not because he thinks Chris won’t be accepting. He raised his son to love everyone and he certainly has grown up around a lot of queer people. It’s more so that Eddie is worried about this being another change. He doesn’t want Chris to think that he never loved Shannon, and explaining the intricacies of that might be difficult. He’s also worried about how it’ll be between him and Chris when he finally sees him in person. The thought of Chris not wanting to hug or talk to him, or being awkward around him, makes Eddie feel sick.

The drive to El Paso is mostly a smooth one. He hits some traffic around Phoenix, but still makes it to his parents’ house by dinner time. Eddie feels like his heart is genuinely going to beat out of his chest. He takes a moment to text Buck that he made it safely, a warmth spreading through him when Buck tells Eddie that he’s got this. It’s like he always knows what to say.

Eddie knocks on the front door, but ends up letting himself in. It’s not like his parents will mind, he’s done this plenty of times before.

“Eddie? Is that you?” He hears his mom call from the kitchen.

“It’s me,” he affirms.

He makes his way into the kitchen, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans. You got this you got this you got this. He repeats Buck’s words in his head like a mantra.

His mom, dad, and Chris are all at the dinner table, clearly having just sat down from how full their plates are. It’s a simple dish, just spaghetti and meatballs with a side of salad, but Eddie is so starving that it looks and smells delicious to him.

“Make yourself a plate, we just sat down!” Helena tells him, her voice cheerful in a way that sounds a little strained to Eddie. He’s too hungry and tired to think about why that might be.

Once he’s sat down at the table with his plate, he takes a moment to just look at his son, sitting across from him. Eddie wants to hug him so badly he aches with it, wants to press a kiss to the curls that have grown some since he’s come here.

Chris must notice that Eddie is looking at him, because his eyes meet his, offering his dad a small smile.

“Hi, Dad,” he tells him, smile growing bigger when Eddie breathes a sigh of relief and smiles back at him.

“Hey, kid.”

Dinner passes by without any hitches. His parents ask him how the drive was, how work is going, all the small talk essentials. Eddie asks Chris about how his time has been here, about his friends and the clubs he’s joined while here, and only feels a little nauseous when his parents pitch in with things that they know about Chris that he doesn’t.

It just doesn’t feel like it should be right. Eddie should know these things about Chris. He’s his dad. He should be the one filling in Helena and Ramón on things they missed out on in Chris’ life, not the other way around.

More than anything, Eddie just wants a moment alone to talk to Chris. He doesn’t think they’ll have the conversation tonight, about everything that went down, but he still wants to talk to him one-on-one. He wants to give him a hug and make plans for just the two of them tomorrow, away from his parents’ ever present eyes and ears.

The opportunity presents itself right before Eddie heads to bed. He checks on Chris before he does so, his heart in his throat at the sight of Chris in his bed, reading a book with the lamp on his nightstand turned on. It’s a sight that he’s seen many times over the years, but not in the last few months. He’s missed it.

“Hey,” he tells Chris softly, leaning in the doorway as he does so.

Chris looks up at him, bookmarking his book and setting it down so he can give Eddie his full attention.

“Hey,” he repeats, a little uncertain. Like he’s not sure what Eddie may want to talk to him about.

“Uh, I was thinking maybe we could go down to the lake tomorrow. Just the two of us.”

Chris seems to read between the lines of that—Eddie wants the two of them to talk. He nods like he expected as much.

“Okay, we can do that.”

Eddie lets out another breath of relief. “Okay, that’s—that’s good. Thank you, Chris.”

Chris’ lips twitch and his gaze switches from Eddie to his book, frowning down at it. “I missed you, Dad,” he murmurs, so softly that Eddie barely hears it.

But he does. It takes everything in him not to burst into tears at the words.

“I missed you, too,” Eddie says thickly. He has to fight the urge to tell Chris that he missed him every second of every day, that not having Chris around felt like missing a limb. That the day Chris left, he’d sent Buck home and then laid down in Chris’ bed and cried himself to sleep.

Eddie obviously wouldn’t burden Chris with that information, but it’s all proof of how much he’s missed his son.

“Get some sleep, okay? We’ll spend the whole day together tomorrow. So much so that you’ll be sick of me already.”

It works in getting a small chuckle out of Chris, so Eddie feels like he’s accomplished something.

“‘Night, Dad.”

“‘Night, Chris.”

Once Eddie is settled into the tiny spare room his parents set him up in, he sends a text to Buck. Maybe it’s a force of habit at this point, but mostly he just wants the comfort of his best friend.

 

Day number one down…

 

He keeps it vague enough that Buck hopefully types back right away. Unsurprisingly, it works.

 

How did it go???

 

Okay I guess? Just awkward, but I expected that.

It’s not like I really even got to talk to Chris that much. Not with my parents around

 

I’m sorry :( Do you think you’ll be able to talk soon? Just the two of you?

 

Yeah! He agreed to go to the lake with me tomorrow. I have a lot to share with him…

 

Oh that’s good!!

You got this, Eddie. You’re so brave.

 

Eddie blinks back tears at the words, the ones he’s been holding in ever since Chris told him he’s missed him.

 

I don’t know about all that, Buck.

 

It’s true!! Feel free to call or text me with how it goes tomorrow, okay? But I have a feeling it’s gonna be fine. Chris loves you so much. And he wants to come home, which tells me he’s already partially forgiven you. It’s like I said earlier: you got this!!

 

Eddie smiles at the message, touched. He’s not sure what he would do without Buck.

 

Thanks, Buck. We’ll talk tomorrow. I’m gonna get some sleep, I’m exhausted

 

Goodnight, Eddie ❤️

 

Eddie stares at the heart emoji for entirely too long.

 

Night, Buck ❤️

 

 

---

 

 

The next morning, Eddie and Chris head out to the lake after breakfast. Eddie thought a lot last night about how he’s going to tell Chris everything he wants to tell him, as well as what he’s going to say. He feels like he has a pretty good idea of how things are going to go.

That plan pretty much immediately flies out the window as soon as Eddie arrives at the lake, Chris in the passenger seat. Eddie puts his truck in park and checks his phone, seeing that he has a text from Buck.

 

Good luck today!! 😊❤️

 

Eddie’s face must do something pretty stupid, because he hears Chris say “Oh no.”

Eddie looks up from his phone. “Huh?”

“Oh, no, no, no,” Chris repeats. “Please don’t tell me you have another girlfriend.”

“What?” Eddie asks indignantly. “Why would you say that?”

“Your face.”

Eddie gives him an unimpressed look. “What about my face?”

“You looked like when you were first texting Marisol, except, like, a million times worse. Did you meet some new woman while I was away? Do you love her?”

Chris is clearly spiraling. Eddie tries to defuse the situation.

“Okay, whoa, I didn’t meet anyone while you were away and I do not have a girlfriend.”

Chris looks like he doesn’t quite believe him. It’s not like Eddie can really be surprised by that, considering the broken trust between them and how little Eddie has been able to mend that over the last few months.

“I’m serious, Chris,” he tries to convince him.

“Then who was it?” Chris asks.

Eddie lets out a steadying breath. This feels revealing, admitting who it was. Especially because Chris said he was looking at his phone like he was in love with the person. And, well, if the shoe fits…

“It was Buck,” Eddie admits quietly, keeping his eyes trained on Chris’ face to closely monitor his reaction.

Chris looks relieved at first. Then he looks confused, tinged with some concern.

“Are you dating Buck?”

Eddie breathes out a laugh, shaking his head. “No, I’m not dating Buck. But…well. I guess that’s part of the talk we need to have.” He puts his head in his hands with a sigh. “This is not the order I planned on telling you things.”

“You’re in love with Buck,” Chris says knowingly, like this makes a lot of sense.

Eddie figures there’s no point denying it. He doesn’t ever want to lie to his son again.

“Yeah,” he admits quietly. “And…I’m gay.”

Chris’ eyes widen behind his glasses. “Oh,” he says, clearly surprised. His eyebrows furrow a little, like he wants to ask something but isn’t sure how or if he can.

“It’s okay,” Eddie assures him. “Ask me anything.”

“Well…first off, I love you and I support you, okay?”

Eddie smiles, a warmth spreading throughout him at the words. He raised his son right.

“I love you too, Chris. Thank you.”

“Yeah. But I guess I’m just…confused? I don’t know why you did all of that stuff with that woman who looked like mom, and now I don’t get it even more.”

Eddie nods. That makes sense. The whole thing is confusing, even for Eddie too. But he’s had a lot more time than Chris to sit with and understand his feelings and why he did what he did.

“I never wanted you to see her, okay?” Eddie says, his voice slightly desperate. If he needs Chris to understand anything, it’s that.

“Dad—“ Chris starts, but Eddie cuts him off.

“I’m serious, Chris. I explained things to her and called it off the day before she showed up dressed as—dressed as your mom. I didn’t ask her to do that. I even told her to leave, but…it was easy, getting swept up in it. She looked so much like your mom.”

Chris frowns, looking away from him. “I know she did,” he murmurs, the hurt evident in his voice. “But I just…I don’t get it. Why start things with her in the first place? I thought…” He huffs. “I thought you were happy with Marisol, but you weren’t, were you?”

Eddie shakes his head. “No, I wasn’t. I didn’t realize just how unhappy I was until I saw, uh, Kim. She made me start thinking about all of the good moments I had with your mom, and I—I wanted that. I wanted…” He breaks off, staring straight ahead at the lake that he and Shannon used to go to all the time as teenagers. His eyes well up with tears at the thought, but he tries blinking them away.

“What, Dad?” Chris asks him. His voice is softer, since he can clearly tell his dad is upset. “What did you want?”

“I wanted to not feel broken anymore. I wanted her to fix me.”

“Dad,” Chris murmurs, but Eddie keeps talking.

“I was starting to realize I didn’t love Marisol. Couldn’t picture a future with her. And it was…it was the exact same with Ana. I wanted to love them, because you loved them, but I just…I couldn’t. I felt like something was really wrong with me. So then when I saw Kim, I started thinking about all the love I had for your mom, and I—I wanted that back. It was proof that I wasn’t broken, you know? That I was capable of loving someone.”

Chris nods, encouraging him to go on.

“I did love your mom, Chris,” Eddie tells him, his voice choked up. “She was my best friend before everything that happened. But…we weren’t perfect. God, I’m sure you know that more than anyone. And it’s taken me realizing my feelings for Buck to understand that I loved your mom, but I don’t think I was ever in love with her. I loved her because she was my best friend, and your mom, but…it’s not the same as how I feel for Buck.”

Chris nods. The two of them sit in silence for a few moments while Chris processes all that he’s been told.

“You must really love him, then,” he ends up saying, a big shit-eating grin on his face.

Eddie huffs. “Well…yeah. But that doesn’t really matter.”

Chris gives him a disbelieving look. “Why wouldn’t it matter?”

Geez, Eddie feels like he’s a teenager talking about his crush. And with his son, no less.

“Buck…he doesn’t feel the same as me.”

“He told you that?” Chris asks skeptically.

“Well, no—”

“Dad.”

“Chris. He’s my best friend. I can’t risk our friendship by telling him how I feel.”

“You said Mom was your best friend and you ended up marrying and having a kid with her.”

Jesus. This kid of his.

“Real funny,” Eddie deadpans.

Chris snickers proudly to himself, causing Eddie to smile and ruffle his hair.

“Thanks for letting me talk to you, bud.”

Chris smiles at him, a genuine one. “I’m glad I did.”

“Yeah?”

Chris nods. “I feel like…I understand you more, now. It’s nice.”

Hm. That makes sense.

“I feel like I understand myself more,” Eddie says with a soft chuckle.

After that, they actually manage to get out of the truck and sit on a bench by the lake. Chris even lets Eddie hug him and give him a kiss to the head without complaining, so Eddie considers the day a success.

 

---