Chapter Text
The garden of Danbury House was as generous and beautiful as the great residence itself. It had flower beds, statues of Grecian legends and a water feature in the centre of the space. The sound of the water rippling from the fountain always provided Kate a sense of peace. Which was why she sat on the stone bench beside it so often. It called to her at that moment and she took a seat upon it gladly. She’d only just vacated her carriage back from the modiste so she wasn’t in need of rest. But she was in need of solitude. And she had to avoid the house until Lady Danbury, her Mama and Edwina returned. Because she refused to be alone with him inside.
It had already proven quite a trying day. Kate had been forced to accompany Edwina and their Mama to Madame Delacroix’s shop. Even without a voice, she could not escape every aspect of life that she found unpleasant. Not that it was meant to be unpleasant; Kate had dreamt of seeing Edwina in her wedding dress since her little Bon had first started to toddle. And there were aspects of it that were still lovely. Edwina had looked genuinely beautiful and radiant in her wedding gown. Kate had known, if she was to ever marry herself (a complete dream at this point), that she would have insisted on wearing a red and gold wedding sari like her own mother had. But this would not be about what Kate would want; it was about what Edwina wanted.
And Edwina wanted the Viscount.
Kate’s eyes welling with tears had been easily mistaken for pride (and again, it wasn’t like that wasn’t in there anyway) and Edwina’s own eyes sparkled with emotion.
“I’m so excited, Didi. It’s all going to be so wonderful.”
Kate was becoming quite good at centring herself but even she couldn’t fail to hear Edwina’s happy chatter about Kate being her children’s favourite aunt. She gave thanks that she had already ceased speaking so she wouldn’t be expected to provide some kind of verbal assurance.
Favourite aunt? That will probably be Hyacinth. Or Francesca or the Duchess or Eloise (once everyone stopped expecting Eloise to squeal and coo over things she had no interest in). Because it won’t be me. I’ll be the Aunt that never visits. Whose presents will be impersonal because I won’t know them. And whose letters will eventually be expected and replied to less and less.
The first day was easily the hardest. There were so many near slips and times she had gone to open her mouth that it was probably nearly comical. She had to feign a coughing fit once to cover the fact she'd nearly made a sound. And even days later, she still sometimes had to be very conscious of the fact she wasn't to talk. But it was getting easier. It probably wouldn't be easy for a while but progress was progress.
Kate was more grateful than she could possibly express when Lady Mary bid her to go on to Danbury House ahead of her and Edwina. (“You look rather fatigued, my dear” Lady Mary has noted, placing a gentle palm on Kate's cheek to cup her face. It was the most maternal thing Kate had experienced in many years – it almost made her inner turmoil feel slightly worth it.) It gave her a chance to wrestle her emotions back into submission. And then the carriage came to a halt outside Danbury House and Kate just happened to see that a horse she recognised was being walked towards the stables by a footman - the horse that Lord Bridgerton had ridden that first morning in the forest.
He was here. He was in the house. And no… just no.
Which was why, rather than going into the house to face him head-on, Kate had taken refuge in the garden and would remain there until he either left without seeing her (unlikely) or her family returned to act as a chaperone of sorts.
A part of Kate hadn't liked the idea of avoiding Lord Bridgerton in the house that was currently her own residence. It felt cowardly to actively avoid him. She'd always prided herself on facing him toe-to-toe in every conflict they'd ever had. She never let him win a victory he didn't deserve (which was often). Their refusal to submit was the cornerstone of their encounters.
Yes, and look how much joy that has brought to your life(!)
Kate had come to the decision to rationalise it as merely adapting to her circumstances. She wasn't running from difficult situations – she was respecting the new dynamics of Lord Bridgerton’s status now. He wasn't merely a highly born bachelor anymore (whom Kate had been alone with far too many times as it were); he was the betrothed of her sister. The game has changed and the new rules had nearly beaten her. But now she would play the game and it wasn't her concern if Lord Bridgerton found himself with a losing hand.
Kate closed her eyes and breathed in the sweet summer air as the sound of the rippling water soothed her soul.
It had been six days. Six days since she had last spoken a word.
She'd been fortunate that she had told Lady Danbury the previous night because, when Kate came to the dining table for breakfast the next morning, Lady Danbury was able to explain why Kate could only return Mary and Edwina’s good morning greetings with a nod. Kate could look back on the whole thing with fascination now – her Mama had looked perplexed, baffled as to how a thing, such as what Kate was trying to attempt, could ever be achieved. Edwina looked a bit taken aback but smiled at Kate indulgently as though she would support her sister even if she didn't understand exactly what Kate was doing.
Kate wondered if Mary had a bit more of a foreboding attitude because she understood more of what challenges Kate's experiment would entail than Edwina had imagined. But then again… Kate hadn't really foreseen much change at all. Didn't she feel her voice counted for nothing anyway?
It was little things at first – Edwina turning to Kate semi-constantly to ask “what do you think, Didi?” Only to realise… oh yes, Kate couldn't tell her what she thought because Kate wasn't talking. The best that Kate could do was nod or shake her head.
At first it was just silly inconsequential questions like “What colour for the bridesmaid’s dress is best, Didi” or “Should I write letters of thank yous to everyone who wrote to Lord Bridgerton and myself congratulating us?” But slowly Kate began to notice more and more times that Edwina seemed to want some kind of reassurance or more than just Kate nodding along to something. And she couldn't do that anymore.
Edwina was starting to ask more questions regarding her future. Such as the duties of a Viscountess that Lord Bridgerton would be expecting her to undertake. Not only the acquisition of a wife and the begetting of children (Kate tried not to think about it but she was sure Edwina would be able to prove herself an exemplary mother); how was the running of the household done? What must Edwina do for the sisters and even brothers of Bridgerton House? Kate wanted to tell her but couldn't – old habits die hard and Kate's desire to fix everything hadn't vanished with her voice. But there was also a part of her that mused that she had talked to Edwina about this - or at least tried. And her misgivings hadn't just been about Lord Bridgerton himself - his family, while clearly warm and good hearted, were boisterous and hard to control. Their game of Pall Mall with Kate and Edwina had showcased that - ironically Kate had enjoyed that immensely but it had been rather plain that Edwina had felt rather out of her depth.
I should have stopped playing – gone after her and listened to her. Maybe if she'd told me her misgivings while they were still fresh, she might have listened more closely to my advice. Instead I kept playing, me and Lord Bridgerton went looking for the Pall Mall ball in the bushes, we fell in the mud and I fell a little bit more into something that was never meant for me.
Kate’s silence meant that Edwina went to the next person who could give advice – in fact, probably the person who should have been first choice for advice and who also had some knowledge of English societal pressures – their Mama.
Unfortunately Edwina found she could expect no help in that corner. And it didn't give Kate any joy to be proved right in her hunch about Mary.
Lady Mary was well-intentioned but woefully ineffectual. Though maybe she didn't understand quite how ineffectual until she was forced into a role she had avoided for a bit too long. When Edwina asked her Mama to placate her fears or give her advice, Mary had looked almost wide-eyed. And had even looked at Kate as though, out of habit, she expected Kate to whisper the sage advice that would help make life easier. And all Kate could do was stare back at her mother and almost beseech her with her eyes to give Edwina the comfort she needed.
All Mary could provide was platitudes about how Lord Bridgerton adored Edwina and would help her in all departments (Kate conceded that Lord Bridgerton may help Edwina if she was in need but out of desire to help his family; not his young wife. But stating about Lord Bridgerton’s ‘love’ prompted Kate to ball her hands into fists so hard that her nails left imprints on her palms) and, when that wouldn't do, Mary went for being dismissive. Kate had to try not to cringe when she heard Edwina’s (perfectly valid) worries being brushed off: “don't be silly darling” and “don't worry about things that haven't happened yet” was heard rather frequently. And on occasions, when Edwina almost pleaded with Mary for something to work with, Mary proclaimed that she had a headache coming and was going to go lie down. Maybe the headaches were real – realising how unprepared you are for something many would take for granted that you could do would cause a migraine for anyone.
Lady Danbury was more helpful if she saw that Edwina really needed some advice but her advice was often blunt and to the point (if not untrue). Edwina was not used to such forthright advice; it made Kate squirm to know she might have dropped the ball in that regard.
Bizarrely, Lady Danbury’s lack of desire to sugar the medicine of truth meant she wasn't interested in pretending to be impressed with Mary's attempts at subterfuge. Once when Mary claimed a headache, Lady Danbury offered to call a doctor. And then once when Mary was asked for some advice about household management from an increasingly agitated Edwina, Mary looked almost desperately to Lady Danbury (at least it wasn't at Kate that time) who simply stared back and responded: “why do you look so scared of giving your daughter advice? Surely you've done it before?”
Lady Danbury didn't lie – she may ‘keep her mouth shut’ and ignored Kate's warnings… but lying she wouldn't do even to the Queen. So hearing Lady Danbury ask such a pointed question (which she obviously knew the answer to) made Kate go very still. Hearing it from someone else was scary… yet vindicating.
Kate wondered if maybe Mary’s frustrations at not being able to be as much help as she and others believed she would be would cause her to be a bit short with Kate; Kate was always waiting for Mary to remember Kate's status as her step daughter and it had often made Kate do as much as she could to prove her worth. Yet Mary did not do anything against Kate. If she did anything, many times Kate caught Mary staring at her. Not in a pleading ‘I don't know what to say; help me please’ way but in a way Kate couldn't decipher. Mary sat beside Kate more often now and sometimes Mary's eyes were sad. Kate brooded that maybe Mary missed her help but once Mary had said, quite unprompted, ‘I didn't realise how loud silence can sometimes be’.
Kate lamented that, if Mary didn't know what to say to Edwina, maybe the same applied to Kate too.
The past few days hadn't just been about the effect of Kate's silence on her family. She'd spent quite a bit of time alone too. It was easier to stay silent when she wasn't surrounded by chatter or being invited into a conversation before they remembered you couldn't join in. So it was easier to do stuff without too much company. She had anticipated that being an attentive owner to Newton and riding any of the horses in the Danbury stables would be difficult without a voice. But she was surprised that her dog and the horses seemed to not need her to speak to know what she wanted.
At least it proves that animals are more intelligent at human emotions than… well, other humans are.
Kate spent a lot more time walking in the gardens, reading in Lady Danbury's library and riding her horse whenever she could escape unnoticed. Life felt turbulent at times but somewhat more manageable. She’d also learnt the skill of listening to that little voice that originated in the back of her brain. It was a voice she hadn’t listened to for a while and was still a little faint to Kate after so long ignoring it but it was there. Sometimes the voice sounded like Lady Danbury but often the voice sounded young. A little like Kate had sounded when she was fifteen – naive to certain things but also seeing the world in absolutes and what not to do. Kate missed being so sure; she had missed that girl she had once been. Before life had taken more than she could stand and then demanded more when she already had nothing left.
Now she listened to the voice and if that voice was telling her to do something or not to do something, she listened. And Kate found that, bizarrely, nodding or shaking her head and providing no other explanation as to her decision became accepted seemed to give it weight. She didn’t have to beg to be understood – no plea or reason was coming so… that was that.
And she hadn't permitted Lord Bridgerton to get her alone since the day of the engagement. The little voice in her mind had been very insistent about that.
Kate looked in the direction of the house and wondered if her return had been noted before dismissing that idea. Not because her presence was so important but because, if she knew Anthony Bridgerton at all, he would have come striding outside to find her, propriety be damned. He could do that, it seemed. He could be unattended with an unmarried woman and nothing was ever said to him. But the lady in question… well, Kate’s life would be ruined by him even more than he already had done.
This was essentially who Anthony Bridgerton was: he played by the rules but exceptions would always be made for him if he felt like breaking them. He was the head of Bridgerton house after all – he was used to getting his way. He wasn’t a brute (even Kate at her most angry couldn’t accuse him of trapping a woman on purpose) but the world seemed to have catered to him for almost too long. And now Lord Bridgerton probably expected the same again – engaged to Miss Edwina but still allowed to sneak off and speak to Kate alone. He may not have the intention of making her his paramour but the specifics of such a thing mattered not if someone like Lady Cooper found out. Or, Lord forbid, Lady Whistledown.
So Kate had made sure that anytime she had to endure Lord Bridgerton’s company, she was accompanied by her Mama, Edwina and Lady Danbury. If she was being honest, Lady Danbury was her favourite companion as the matriarch seemed to be one of three people capable of cowing the Viscount (his mother and the Queen being the other two). On the two occasions she had seen him since the audience with the Queen – and safely with her family as chaperones – he’d actually tried to talk to Kate. Why, she still didn’t know. But he’d really attempted it when he can called for tea once.
“Is Newton joining us today? I don’t see him eating all the biscuits under a chair.” He announced, making a show of looking around for the corgi that he knew full well was currently being taken for a walk by a maid.
“I did not know you were so fond of dogs, Milord.” Edwina said sweetly only for her smile to falter a little at his reply:
“I’m not. And I’m certainly not fond of that one. Merely curious why he isn’t barking at me.”
Kate had to grip her teacup very hard to stop herself from standing up and dash the tea into Lord Bridgerton’s face.
“Are you well, Miss Sharma?” Lord Bridgerton asked instead. This was a question that was directly aimed at Kate. Only Kate could answer it – but couldn’t. So she didn’t and merely nodded her head instead. “Still not talking then?” Lord Bridgerton declared, sounding almost like he wanted to scoff.
“A vow of silence is a blanket ban on talking to anyone. Kate hasn’t said a word since the morning before the Queen.” Lady Mary pointed out. She almost looked a touch confused as though Lord Bridgerton surely knew this.
“I didn’t anticipate Miss Sharma would be able to stick to it so rigidly. We all know how she loves to give vent to her feelings.”
“What are you talking about, Milord?” Miss Edwina suddenly asked in a voice that wasn’t quite so honeyed towards Lord Bridgerton. It made Kate look at her with surprise. “Kate is the most determined person in the world – if she decides she wants to do something, nothing will stop her. Nothing. She was determined to give me everything and she has. And you accuse her of being flighty?”
Even Lady Danbury looked a bit startled (but not displeased) at Edwina’s semi-standing up for Kate. Kate was almost open-mouthed with amazement.
Lord Bridgerton had gone rather red in cheeks at Edwina’s words. Maybe he realised he’d crossed a line even though not even Kate had anticipated the line was ever there. But Kate’s silence had allowed not only Kate to listen to her inner voice; it had allowed everyone else to listen to their own voice as well as everyone else's.
“I did not mean to overstep.” Lord Bridgerton said stiffly but correctly. “Of course I did not mean to imply that. Forgive me.”
Edwina nodded to accept his apology but the tea couldn’t end quick enough after that. Lord Bridgerton practically fled Danbury House and Edwina sat beside Kate almost all night. Almost as though her baby sister was trying to shield her from the world that might hurt her. Kate knew she didn’t need shielding but was touched by Edwina’s attempt all the same.
Lord Bridgerton sent flowers the next day. There was no card but they could all recognise it as an olive branch. Edwina seemed gratified; Kate made sure to evert her eyes from the vase that held them in the drawing room.
Distantly Kate heard the sound of hoof-beats in the courtyard and the crunching of gravel as a carriage was pulled up to the door. Edwina and her Mama were back. It was safe at last. She could now show her face.
Let the Queen be quick in her preparations for this wedding – this new method of coping is new. I don’t know how much it can withstand. I don’t know how strong I can be towards someone I sometimes loathe… but love all the same.
Anthony had been standing at the fireplace staring at the portrait of a young Lady Danbury for about twenty minutes before he finally heard a carriage pulling into the courtyard. He quickly pulled his suit jacket down and ran his hand through his hair to tame the insistent curls that always plagued him. If the jewellers accompanying him assumed it was for the benefit of Miss Edwina, all the better. At least the man could finally have a slice of the cake he wouldn’t shut up about!
The Sharmas would be in the room in due course; Miss Edwina, Lady Mary… and Miss Sharma. And this time he wouldn’t fuck it up.
He felt almost overwhelmed with embarrassment when he remembered the last time he had been here. He’d made an arse of himself and no doubt Lady Danbury had informed his mother because Violet Bridgerton had worn that wonderfully disapproving look on her face that only she could manage for days. Yet bizarrely it wasn’t his mother’s disapproval that hurt him most (it annoyed him but they tended to do nothing but annoy each other these days); it wasn’t Miss Edwina calling him out on his rudeness (quite rightly) and the awkwardness that followed – it was the idea of hurting Miss Sharma… hurting Kate.
That’s all he ever seemed to do those days and it was so far away from what he actually wanted that it was almost laughable. Almost.
Six days… six days since she’d spoken a word. To him or anybody else. And his sanity and social graces were starting to matter a lot less than he’d previously believed.
His previous assertion that there was no way she could keep up the silence was now starting to fray at the edges. Maybe it was wishful thinking that had made him so convinced. But he had convinced himself that it couldn’t last. Eloise was similar to Kate in many ways and he couldn’t pay her to be quiet (quite literally – he’d once offered her fifteen shillings if she just didn’t insult anyone at a ball once. She’d lasted forty-five minutes; there was apparently no amount of money in the world better than Lady Featherington’s face when her fashion sense was insulted).
Six hours would have been sufficient – six days though? What was next – six weeks? Six months? Six YEARS? Unacceptable.
What was even more aggravating about this whole situation was how no-one seemed to share his feelings. Everyone seemed to find Miss Sharma’s self-imposed silence an admirable thing. Even Eloise (once she came to realise that Miss Sharma wasn’t doing it to appease anyone but herself) seemed mildly impressed. It was infuriating!
He should have known he would get no sympathy from his siblings – nothing short of imminent danger would do that.
“Why do you look like someone has pissed in your tea?” Benedict had asked once when Anthony was muttering under his breath about this ‘ridiculous exercise’ yet again. “What does it matter? I would have thought you’d be happy about it.”
“Happy?!” Anthony demanded, wondering what realm of fantasy Benedict was living in. “How could this make me happy?”
“You’ve been complaining about ‘The Sister’ of Miss Edwina for weeks.” Colin interjected, looking like he was enjoying his elder brother’s exasperation far too much. “Now apparently – she’s stepped back. Letting you get on with what is inevitable and saving her breath. Isn’t this what you’ve been aiming for? Her defeat?”
Her defeat? Maybe but… not like this. Winning against someone is one thing. Hurting her… that’s another. I just want to talk to her. Alone. Tell her how this is all for the best and when I meet my end, probably at age forty, she’ll thank me. I’ll leave her sister very wealthy with children to keep her company. And Kate won’t cry for me. Not once. This is for her.
“She hasn’t spoken to me since the day of the proposal.” Anthony grumbled.
“She hasn’t spoken to anyone – not just you . You aren’t special in this regard, Brother.” Benedict pointed out a bit too knowingly. Anthony didn’t trust himself to say anything else. Because Anthony fully believed he was the catalyst for this behaviour. And he could understand why. And also… not special? As egotistical and arrogant as it was… he’d always believed that he was somewhat special to Kate. No-one else found him special – rich, arrogant, a figure of dislike, sure. But he wanted to believe she did. Because she was special to him. She was far too special.
So Anthony had tried acting dismissive of Kate’s pledge when he had next seen her (in the company of her family so he still couldn’t get her alone) in an attempt that if he pretended it was a brief rebellion, it would be. It worked for his mother – pretending everything was fine was her finest performance.
For a brief second, he thought that maybe his rather offhand comments would make Kate crack. She had looked furious at his caustic dismissal. But then Edwina had jumped to her sister’s defence. And Anthony knew he’d overstepped. Miss Edwina was always so polite and sweet; to see fire in her eyes in the defence of her sister – it was humbling. But oddly endearing too. Seeing her not be afraid to cause offence in the defence of those she loved… it was bizarrely the most Bridgerton trait she’d ever showcased. And, even if it had been him acting contrite, he hadn’t blamed her for half a heartbeat.
All it had resulted in was Anthony feeling humiliated, Edwina being rather frosty in her goodbye and Kate once again saying nothing. When he’d sent the flowers, he knew they would be accepted as Edwina’s. But they were really for Kate. He dared not write a note on the flowers.
Please forgive me. Please talk to me. Please.
No reply had come from where he desperately needed it to so… he had to try again. And this time, he had to be a bit more clever. If he couldn’t quite get her alone, he had to get her alone enough to talk to her.
Anthony heard the sound of approaching footsteps and turned away from the painting above the fireplace to greet the Sharmas cordially.
Lady Mary and Miss Edwina did enter… but Miss Sharma was nowhere in sight. He had to really wrestle his face into not showing his desperate disappointment.
He went through the procedure of greeting Miss Edwina and Lady Mary and announcing the jeweller's intention to fit the ring on Miss Edwina’s hand.
He counted thirty seconds in his head before asking the question he was itching to know:
“Did Miss Sharma not accompany you?”
“Oh, is Didi not here?” Anthony had to fight an urge to scream ‘does it look like she’s here?!’. “She left the modiste before us. She should be back by now.” Before panic or consternation set in, there were more footsteps and Miss Sharma finally appeared. “Oh there you are, Didi! We just got back – where have you been?” Miss Sharma merely pointed to the window to indicate she was outside. “The garden?” Kate nodded. “Yes, I suppose it is a lovely day. Lord Bridgerton is here too.” Edwina indicated to Anthony standing very still. His mind was currently racing. She was here the entire time and he didn’t know? More to the point, she was probably here, saw evidence that he was here and decided to hide. The thought made him unaccountably angry… and so sad he wondered if his heart could withstand another tear.
He bowed to Miss Sharma and she curtsied as was proper. When they both were back upright, Miss Sharma… Kate… let her eyes meet his. And all his anger and sadness ebbed.
She was radiant in her purple gown; her skin aglow and her eyes holding something that Anthony had thought lost: hope. Because those eyes weren’t dead. It needed mouth-to-mouth but there was a heartbeat. And that’s all Anthony needed; all he craved.
Lady Danbury came in at that moment and broke the spell by announcing that the Sheffields, Lady Mary’s birth family, had sent word and had been invited to dinner the next night. The plans were therefore a promenade, attending a ball that night and the dinner with the Sheffields. Miss Sharma had broken eye contact but for once Anthony got the impression it wasn’t simply to ignore him. She looked anxious and Lady Danbury was looking at her as though to communicate through her eyes a secret only they knew. Lady Mary excused herself from the promenade claiming a headache (to which Miss Edwina could be heard sighing: “Another one, Mama?” causing Lady Mary to flush). Miss Edwina was sized for the ring before they left. In truth, Anthony did not want to look at it. Seeing the ring on her finger reminded him of that proposal… and he would already pay every penny he had to wipe that from his mind.
What did that say about the future he was facing?
Many people came up to her to wish herself and Lord Bridgerton every happiness as they set off for their walk around the local park. Edwina Sharma smiled and nodded, thanking Lord Lumley graciously for his eloquent good wishes. She remembered idly that day at the races where Kate had been so keen for her to make Lord Lumley’s acquaintance. Of course Lord Bridgerton had been there and he had been hard to take her eyes off of. He’d practically stolen Lord Lumley’s seat on the benches and asked his friend Mr Dorset to talk to Kate. Kate had found out and been furious. They’d left soon after.
At the time, Edwina had felt almost swept away with it all. Now… she was remembering a little less romantically.
She believed Lord Bridgerton when he had sworn he meant no harm; she still did. But sometimes that didn’t matter if harm was done anyway. She believed that Mr Dorset had genuinely liked Kate – his evident disappointment as Kate marched away from him gave that away. But oddly now that she was the betrothed of Lord Bridgerton, she was looking backwards a bit. And had begun to notice some things that she hadn’t appreciated at the time. Like how competitive Lord Bridgerton and her Didi had gotten at the horse race. That had left her a bit bewildered but it was just the nature of the game. Or so she thought. Now she began to remember the Duchess of Hastings’ clear disbelief when Edwina had called him even-tempered. And he showcased he was extremely competitive at the Pall Mall game. She hadn’t enjoyed that tournament very much – sports were just not something she was particularly interested in. And, for the first time in her life, she’d felt almost lacking. It had not been a nice feeling.
She also remembered Kate’s fury masking her hurt. And there was hurt there. Edwina had tried to spin it so it wasn’t so bad. But maybe it didn’t matter how Edwina felt; it mattered how Kate felt about it. And maybe the Viscount was not quite so innocent as Edwina had always believed. The other day at tea, it had been Lord Bridgerton who had been almost mocking Kate. Kate who hadn’t said a word so couldn’t be blamed for egging him on. And maybe some residual guilt had made Edwina snap at him. She’d been warned by her Mama after Lord Bridgerton left that she shouldn’t have spoken to a gentleman like that but she hadn’t cared a whit. No one was talking to Didi like that – again, she believed that he hadn’t meant harm (his immediate apology showcased that) but again, it didn’t matter if harm was caused anyway.
Edwina looked towards Lord Bridgerton to find he was looking over his shoulder behind them. Lady Danbury and Kate were walking behind them and Edwina could see, when she looked at them too, that Lady Danbury was talking conspiratorially while Kate’s lips were getting nibbled as she often did when she was nervous. Edwina wanted to know what was being discussed but she also wanted to know why Lord Bridgerton seemed to want to be in his sister’s presence almost constantly. Was he still feeling guilty about the whole tea debacle? And why did he seem to be taking Didi's silence so badly?
Edwina could admit that she’d often asked her sister to ‘be nice’ to Lord Bridgerton, frightened he’d be scared away if Kate’s tongue was too acidic. But now… Kate hadn’t said anything to anyone at all for days so she couldn’t be provoking him. Her manners were also completely proper, she curtsied to him when he bowed, she did not scowl at him, sometimes she didn’t even look at him. Yet somehow there were still moments of tension. And it made Edwina think that maybe her fiance wasn’t quite so even-tempered as she had thought.
If I got that wrong, what else have I been wrong about?
Edwina could admit that these past six days had been something of an education for her. Maybe she hadn't anticipated how unnerving and de-stabilizing Kate's silence would be. At first, she'd seen it as an exercise of discipline which wouldn't last too long. Except it had shown no signs of stopping and Edwina had been forced to stop looking to Kate for answers to her questions. And, though it was probably uncharitable to admit it, she hadn't anticipated just how… well, useless her Mama would be. But unless it was to provide trivial encouragement, her Mama was completely at sea in how to navigate things. Edwina hadn't been completely ignorant to the fact Kate had worked hard. But now she was made to see just how hard Kate had worked. She had made things so smooth for them that only six days after she stopped talking was all it took for the bumps to jolt them quite nastily. But if her Mama couldn't do it herself, how was she expected to know? Kate hadn't taught her… but then again, why should Kate have to in the first place?
Edwina had even had times when she had felt a little annoyed at Kate for staying silent. But then Lady Danbury had simply pointed out, when they were alone together in the drawing room, that Kate's silence was merely the taster of how life would be without her.
It was a thought that still made Edwina go cold. Stupidly, she had been so caught up in the excitement of debuting, being named the Diamond and being wiped by Lord Bridgerton, that she hadn't really thought about the reality that awaited her after she was married. She'd always taken for granted that Kate might be encouraged to stay - maybe some lucky gentleman would see her for the brilliant and beautiful woman she was and marry her in England? Or maybe she could be convinced to stay a while in Edwina's home once she was married? Edwina could see she was fighting a losing battle there - Kate seemed unwilling to make eye contact with any gentleman who looked her way and even Edwina knew Kate would refuse point-blank to stay at Bridgerton House for even an hour after the wedding.
It wasn't the idea of Kate not sorting everything out that made Edwina want to weep (she would just have to learn and, even if she wasn't as good as Kate, she'd make do) - it was the idea of her Didi being so far away for what might be years at a time. They'd never been apart for longer than a week and suddenly a future without Kate – without her wisdom, without her gentleness, her lily smell, her warm hugs… Edwina rapidly had to blink and pretend that the sun was bright on her promenade to mask her watering eyes.
She didn't want Kate to go because Kate was the person she loved most in the world. And even though she could see there were a lot of things she didn't know about her, that didn't mean she couldn't learn.
It would be a bit hard if they were continents apart.
Edwina smiled as Lady Bridgerton came to join them and made pleasant conversation. Violet Bridgerton was a sweet woman and very welcoming yet Edwina couldn't help but feel a slight reserve about her. Almost like she was holding back a touch. Not that Edwina could blame her; she was doing exactly the same to Lady Bridgerton. Edwina went to include Lord Bridgerton in their conversation but saw he was looking over his shoulder again. Only this time Lady Danbury was gone; it was now Kate and Mr Dorset.
The conversation that Didi and Mr Dorset were sharing (well, Mr Dorset was speaking; Kate wasn't) seemed cordial. Edwina was gratified to see Kate nodding and shaking her head a lot to indicate Mr Dorset was asking her yes or no questions.
“Anthony? Anthony ?” Edwina saw Lady Bridgerton trying with some urgency to get her son's attention but, for once, Lord Bridgerton didn't look ready to heed his mother. Kate and Mr Dorset were now walking towards them, arm in arm.
“Miss Sharma!” Lady Bridgerton said warmly, clearly changing tack to save the situation. “How lovely to see you. It has been a while since-”
“-why are you walking with Miss Sharma, Dorset?” Lord Bridgerton interrupted pointedly (though Edwina got the impression that he hadn't even heard his mother).
Lady Bridgerton hissed another “Anthony!” while trying to maintain an awful grin on her face as though trying to mask the situation to any onlookers. Kate was looking towards the river where the boats were (avoiding looking at them at all) while Mr Dorset spoke perfectly calmly.
“We are just about to enjoy a boat ride. Miss Sharma is very fond of the water.”
“Oh really. Told you that, has she?” Lord Bridgerton asked, looking at Kate as though she had committed an unforgivable act by potentially speaking to Mr Dorset instead of him.
“I asked her and she nodded her head. It is a fine day for it.” Mr Dorset continued.
“Miss Sharma is partaking in a vow of silence – you do know that, don't you?” Lord Bridgerton practically demanded. Now it was Edwina's turn to check no-one else could overhear – luckily no-one was looking… yet.
“Indeed. Lady Danbury informed me before she left us alone. Miss Sharma is still able to know what she wants and has agreed to accompany me.” Mr Dorset turned to Kate and asked: “unless you have since changed your mind?”
Kate shook her head vigorously and smiled at Dorset.
It seemed to be the worst thing she could have done somehow.
“Dorset's rowing is subpar. Always has been. He was terrible even at Oxford. You should stay here. With m- with us.”
Edwina could see Kate subtly pulling Mr Dorset forward and soon they had decisively walked past them towards the lake. Lord Bridgerton looked like he was going to follow them down to the river but Lady Bridgerton put a hand on his chest as though prepared to physically hold him back if she must.
“What is wrong with you?” Edwina heard Lady Bridgerton hiss. It somehow seemed to have broken whatever spell Lord Bridgerton was under and suddenly he seemed to remember where he was, who he was with and what he'd been about to do. He looked bewildered but his eyes kept straying towards the riverbank where Kate and Mr Dorset were getting into a boat.
“I think it is wise if I take my son home.” Lady Bridgerton declared with an air of steel in her gentle voice. At the moment Lady Danbury appeared and the two older women exchanged a look that said more than words ever could. “You don't feel very well, do you?”
It was clearly a ploy to cover whatever had just happened but Lord Bridgerton did not look well at all. He looked agitated and flushed.
“Probably wise. I will escort Miss Edwina and Miss Sharma home once her boat ride is over.” Lady Danbury declared.
Lord Bridgerton had no choice but to be led away to the carriage.
Edwina stood with Lady Danbury watching him go, thinking only one thing: I don't know the man I'm marrying.
Kate sat at the vanity dressing table for longer than was strictly necessary – she was ready and had been ready for about ten minutes. Yet she stared into the mirror and could not help feeling amazed that she looked quite so good. She looked fresh and perfectly put together.
Surely she should look tired because she felt tired. So tired. Weary to the bone and wondering if she had the strength for the evening ahead.
Yesterday was not only challenging but almost… bizarre.
Seeing Lord Bridgerton in Lady Danbury’s drawing room had been as unpleasant as she had anticipated: what she hadn’t anticipated was how much Lord Bridgerton always inspired in her when she saw him. When she was away from him, she could focus on all his bad qualities and build him up as a wastrel in her mind. But when they were face-to-face… the bad qualities still made themselves known (his conduct at the promenade had showcased his ridiculousness) but then she would show signs of his good qualities: his eyes when they fell on her spoke volumes. They seemed glad of the sight of her. And, may she be forgiven, she was glad of the sight of him too. No-one could deny he was beautiful and she was only human.
She could almost thank him for his stupid actions in trying to get her to speak – almost. It was less painful to just stare at his obstinacy as though viewing a spectacle (which it almost was becoming). Kate thought that she could almost understand why Lord Bridgerton was acting so… odd: he was as competitive by nature as she was. He loved winning and hated to lose. And this was probably another game for him – a game called ‘Getting Miss Sharma To Talk’. But it wasn’t a game where there was a winner – it wasn’t a game at all. It was a matter of Kate’s survival. If she couldn’t talk, she couldn’t scream her despair.
Bizarrely, Kate was actually becoming the most calm when faced with Lord Bridgerton’s ridiculousness – Kate knew he was passionate and when he was caught up in his emotions, he would often forget the rules that he had followed all his life. Which led to him misstep and, even if the ton hadn’t witnessed it yet, their families had. And they were not amused by it.
Lady Danbury was glaring at him rather obviously now. Lady Bridgerton was looking embarrassed and also a little shocked – Kate could see why. She had always had the ability to stop her children from acting out and Lord Bridgerton had always been so keen to do whatever he could to make his mother happy. But this time? Lord Bridgerton had no time or attention for anyone but Kate it seemed. His mother’s flushed face was becoming an irrelevance to him.
And Kate could not help but notice, more damningly, that Edwina was starting to stare at him too. Not in giddy excitement or devotion – but with an altogether less flattering look. She was staring at him as though… confused. Bewildered. And doubtful.
Now both the bridegroom and the bride looked uncomfortable and like they wished to discuss anything else when the upcoming wedding was mentioned. In fact, not a single person seemed happy about it now. Kate dreads to think what the Queen would make of it all when the two people got to the altar: her great triumph would quickly become an embarrassment.
After the promenade (where Lord and Lady Bridgerton had to leave early due to ‘personal reasons’) Kate tried to remain stoic at the ball that the Sharmas were expected at. And where the Bridgertons also were.
Kate, Lady Mary, Lady Danbury and Edwina all showed up dressed beautifully and careful to showcase not a trace of the stress that they had all been living with for over a week. Kate stood almost to the back as her family met Lady Bridgerton, Benedict, Colin and Lord Bridgerton within the hall. Kate hoped that maybe the stern talk that his mother had inevitably given him would make Lord Bridgerton remember his duty and his need to follow his decisions through.
The fact that the only time light came into Lord Bridgerton’s eyes was when he looked upon Kate soon disabused her of that notion.
Kate tried to be distracted with the two younger Bridgerton brothers making conversation that she could nod along to – Benedict Bridgerton was an extremely charming man whose jokes made Kate giggle and Colin Bridgerton seemed very sweet if somewhat clueless to some aspects of life.
Benedict then asked for her dance card. “You will very technically be my sister-in-law… in a way. Can I have a dance?” Kate was a little surprised but gratified and held out her wrist for Benedict to jot his name down on.
“Me too – I’m a great dancer. I actually learned some new dances on my travels…” Colin interjected, causing Benedict to groan as though he’d heard the story a hundred times before and he didn’t know if he could survive a hundred and one.
Kate really should have seen it coming. She should have foreseen the danger. But alas…
“Miss Sharma” another voice spoke and Kate went cold as she looked towards the source of the voice: Lord Bridgerton was standing before her. “May I have your dance card?”
If there was ever a moment when she wanted to break her silence, it was that moment. When she wanted to hide her hand with the card behind her back, glare at him and scream loud enough for the Queen to hear in her palace down by the river: “NO, YOU CAN’T. GO DANCE WITH MY SISTER, YOUR SOON-TO-BE WIFE.”
Luckily the Bridgerton brothers were not shy at poking fun at their brother’s ridiculous ideas, even if it wasn’t due to emotional intelligence.
“Now, now, Brother” Benedict chided in a manner both light-hearted yet with a promise of heaviness. “We don’t want to tire Miss Sharma out. You’ll need to save your strength for dancing with Miss Edwina. And Mr Dorset is probably here somewhere – he might like a dance with your beautiful sister-to-be.”
Kate wasn’t sure what was the worst part of that sentence for Anthony to hear – that Mr Dorset would want to dance with Kate or that Kate would soon be a relative that would not be his wife.
Either way, Anthony didn’t punch his brother in the face but gave him a look so cold that even Colin blanched and muttered ‘Jesus, is he well?”
Anthony held out his hand for Kate’s dance card. He looked like he was prepared to go to war to dance with her.
For a glorious second, Kate contemplated saying no. Refusing his hand to dance and running out of the ball. But even Kate knew she couldn’t do that. Rejecting a man the chance to dance with her after he had asked so publicly was the height of scandal (ludicrous as it was to her) and it would bring embarrassment to her family that she couldn’t even explain away.
But also a part of Kate couldn’t help but think: fine. Very well. Let him have a dance. Let it be shown I once again acted impeccably. I don’t have to speak to him during the dance. If I don’t react, he’ll eventually get bored. It doesn’t matter how much a person likes to win – if a game is no fun, he’ll give in and stop. He only wants me because he can’t have me. Nothing more. I’m not special.
She held out her hand, with aloofness that hopefully gave him frostbite, and let him sign his name. Then she retreated next to Lady Danbury, who had no doubt watched the entire exchange with disapproval, to wait it out.
Kate was both relieved and also wounded beyond belief to see Lord Bridgerton attempting to treat Edwina with due honour – he danced the two dances with her that was expected. Kate tried to focus purely on Edwina – how prettily she danced, how beautiful she looked and how proud she was. But her eyes kept drifting to Lord Bridgerton and she had to focus her eyes on the wall behind them in order to prevent the tears from falling. She hadn’t got this far to break now.
Kate danced with both the Bridgerton brothers – it was easy to smile and show herself having great fun with them. And somehow knowing that their eldest brother was glaring the entire time made it better (for Kate anyway).
Soon it was time – Lord Bridgerton came up to her, held out his hand and Kate had no choice but to take it and be led to the floor.
One dance. One dance won’t hurt me.
The plan for Kate was to move through the steps and refuse to make eye contact with Lord Bridgerton. Edwina had always said that Kate’s eyes were beautiful but betraying. They gave away how she was feeling and she had to remain stone cold. So looking over Lord Bridgerton’s ear was a good plan when they had to face each other.
Unfortunately denying him access to her eyes didn’t mean she could block out the sound of his voice. And he was intent on using it.
“I must commend you, Miss Sharma.” He began. “You’ve done a wonderful job avoiding me. It must have taken some skill.”
Kate continued to dance her steps. As did he.
“Was the plan to avoid me forever?” His voice was sharper. He didn’t like being ignored. Tough. “I thought you faced your enemies – I thought you were stronger than that.”
I’m stronger than you. That’s all I need to be.
“Was that what that boat ride with Mr Dorset was about? Avoiding being near me? Goading me? I know it’s not his boating skills – surprised he didn't actually sink the boat actually.”
He was your friend once. Tell me – how many friends have you got left Lord Bridgerton? And how many have you pushed away?
“Not surprising that Mr Dorset prefers you not to join in on the conversation – poor man is so dull it must be nice to be considered the interesting one.”
And even without a voice he listened to me more than you’ve ever done. More than anyone has ever done actually.
She knew what he was doing, of course she did. He accused her of goading him – so he was goading her for a reaction too. In the past, she may have risen to the bait. But not now. The little voice in her brain that she had ignored for so long was coaching her.
He wants a reaction. But you aren’t children and it’s about time he learnt he can’t act like one. He made his decision – he can live with it.
“So you are really doing this then?” Lord Bridgerton demanded and Kate was grateful the string orchestra was so loud – it covered his vocals beautifully. “Refusing to speak? How long for? For the rest of our lives?” Kate twirled in time to the music. “You started this after my proposal. Is that why? You are angry? You hate me?” Of course I hate you for that – there isn’t a universe where I wouldn’t hate you for that. “Well, take revenge on me then. Shout at me. Scream at me. Tell me I’m a disgrace. Hit me if you want. If you don’t want to do it here, we can find a veranda where no-one else will see us. You can stop this and you get to see me with a limp – everybody’s happy.” His attempt at levity fell much short of the mark and Kate continued to dance her steps. In what world would physically hurting him make her feel better? Did he think that low of her? Then they had to face each other for the dance and their hands had to touch. Her gloves were on so their skin never made contact but the warmth of Lord Bridgerton’s hands were all consuming.
Why… is this… so difficult?
“Kate” Kate looked into his eyes then – mainly out of shock that he had used her name. Not Miss Sharma but… Kate. And once their eyes were locked, she couldn’t look away. His eyes had always been beautiful and for the first time, they weren’t dismissive; or mocking; or angry. They were pleading; desperate. “Kate, just speak to me. I’ll do just about anything but please… if you want me to beg, I’ll beg. But please!”
Kate could only stare at him, opened her mouth… and then slowly closed it again. No. No, she wouldn’t feel guilty for how she was handling the mess he had made.
It seemed that Anthony got the message because soon his eyes seemed to dim somewhat and they bowed and curtsied stiffly at the end of the song.
Just like the Hearts and Flowers ball and their dance there, he left the floor swiftly and went who knows where. Only this time… Kate didn’t chase him.
Kate put her hand to her forehead as she looked into the mirror in her bedroom at Lady Danbury’s once again. All this… and now she had to face dinner with the Sheffields. Couldn’t she have one day to just piece herself back together? At least one benefit had been borne of all this – she had no desire to speak now at all. Indeed, what could she say that could make this better?
“Didi?” Kate looked around and smiled as Edwina approached her. She looked lovely in a peach gown – the Sheffields would adore her if they had any sense (which was somewhat debatable on a good day). “Lady Danbury says the Sheffields will be here very shortly. Mama seems quite agitated but… I suppose that’s to be expected.” Kate couldn’t help frowning. Her Bon did seem very excited about meeting her grandparents as she had been. Had their Mama’s lack of enthusiasm had an effect? Edwina kept talking to fill the silence. “I hope they will like Lord Bridgerton. And he will like them. But if they don’t… well, I suppose it will be an interesting evening.”
Kate looked at Edwina in amazement. Where was this coming from? This… antipathy? She seemed almost resigned and that wasn’t like her Bon at all.
Kate reached out a hand and Edwina gladly took it. Kate was shocked to feel a tremble in her little sister’s grip.
“You don’t like them. And they haven’t been kind to you. I used to be blind to that and I shouldn’t have. And now that I’m going to meet them… I’m just wondering: how can I be warm to people that have made you so sad?”
Kate frantically shook her head. Edwina needed the Sheffields and damn it, why hadn’t Kate explained just how important they were? Without the Sheffields, there would be no dowry. And no dowry meant Edwina couldn’t marry Lord Bridgerton and then-
“You’ve never approved of Lord Bridgerton either.” Edwina cut into Kate’s thoughts. “You have said. Over and over and over again. I never listened; why didn’t I listen? And now… you are silent. And I’ve been forced to listen to what people around me are saying. And you were right; the whole time you were right. Lord Bridgerton is not a bad man but he’s also not the man I thought he was. And now I’m going to marry a stranger. The one thing you didn’t want. That’s why… that’s why I’m not so interested in the Sheffields liking him anymore. Because… I don’t think he’ll be around for much longer.”
Kate was completely stunned. On the one hand, they were back to square one: they would have to find a titled gentleman who Edwina was madly in love with once again. But on the other hand… Edwina and Anthony weren’t going to get married – or at least it wasn’t as set in stone as she had previously believed. And Edwina wasn’t heartbroken at the prospect – in fact, it was apparently her who wanted to call it off!
“Are you angry with me?” Edwina asked Kate timidly who vigorously shook her head. Edwina was quiet for a moment then said: “You should be. I didn’t realise… not just about Lord Bridgerton but… you have done so much. And without you, this family will disintegrate. I will disintegrate. And not just because you’ve given me everything… but…” Edwina suddenly threw her arms around Kate and tears made her voice thick: “don’t go Didi. Stay here with me. I don’t care if you never speak again – I’ll miss your voice every day but we’ll be okay. Just say you’ll stay.”
Say you’ll stay. All she had to do was open her mouth and say ‘of course I’ll stay Bon”. It was simple… and yet… not simple at all.
Kate clung to Edwina and hugged her with everything she had. She’d stay. Of course she’d stay. She just… wasn’t ready to say she would.
Hearing Edwina admitting that Kate wasn’t just bossy and difficult; she was important and valued and above all loved because she was Kate had fixed something within Kate that she’d never imagined would heal. But there were still rips in her soul that Edwina hadn’t caused and therefore couldn’t fix.
The silence was as loud as a drum beat between them.
Then Lady Danbury stepped into the room and the spell was broken.
“Our guests have arrived.”
Edwina, springing out of Kate’s arms, looked at Lady Danbury with wide eyes and then back at Kate. It was time.
The two sisters stood and followed Lady Danbury out of the room. The conversation (one-sided as it was) would have to wait.
It was time to face their destiny. And the Sheffields. And Lord Bridgerton.
I’ve won every battle; can I win the war as well?