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Doctor Veritas Ratio wasn’t one to indulge in his emotions. He’d preferred to love from afar, as he did the majority of the time. Whether it be platonically or romantically, he kept his emotions to himself. Especially when it came to Aventurine. He’d learned early on that the other has walls up for defense, that his half-truths and full lies were all to keep those walls strong.
So he listened. He was always a background character in the lives of others, and so he stays in that role. He believed in the other’s lies, because every lie has some truth in it. Even if it’s only an inkling, there’s still truth in it. So he believes in the hope that Aventurine told the truth to him. But that was only at first.
He’d grown to.. Read behind the lies. To understand what Aventurine was truly meaning by his words. He’d.. grown attached to the damned Gambler. Grown to worry about his health. To purely care for the other in his own way. He believed in the way he’d grown to understand him. And he knows Aventurine came around to him, too.
After all, they’ve come a long way from that day with the gun and Aventurine’s twisted version of Russian Roulette. Three bullets pointed at his chest. Dr. Ratio forced to hold the gun there as the other flashed him a cocky grin. He still didn’t understand how Aventurine felt that his actions were rational, but he’s grown used to them, he presumes.
He exhales, and knocks on the door he’d been standing in front of the entire time he had been reflecting. The text he’d gotten from the other was.. Concerning. Yes, concerning. Getting no answer, he knocks again, harder this time. He doesn’t speak, knowing full well if he does, it’ll only gain being shut out. Even more.
It was a new development, and even so, getting a random apology in the midst of the night was something else. It wasn’t normal of Aventurine, someone who keeps all his actions to the character he tries to portray. Like some form of a twisted method actor. So now here he is. In his pajamas, performing a.. Wellness check? on Aventurine.
After knocking a few more times, just shy of banging on the door, he takes out the key he’d been gifted to care for the cat cakes when the other is on missions, and unlocks the door, walking inside. He gently pushes said cats to the side, crinkling his nose at their panicked meows. They rarely leave Aventurine’s side, and judging by the.. Closed door to the rest of the other’s apartment, they were locked in here.
So he opens the door and shuts it quickly behind himself. There’s a clear reason the other was isolating himself, especially from his own cats. So he’s not going to make it worse. He likely already is if he’s intruding this much. So he walks down the hall and to the other’s bedroom, finding it empty, the window open to the nighttime air.
... When he sees the note, he knows he’s become predictable. It’s addressed to himself, after all, which meant the other fully knew that he was.. going to come here. He doubts he’s too late, the window isn’t open enough for Aventurine to slip through, and so he forgoes reading the letter quite yet. And he looks through the remainder of the house for the blond. He realizes when he enters the other’s bathroom that.. The window was a hoax. A decoy. A red herring.
He finds Aventurine sprawled on the ground. He wasn’t too late, he can still see the other breathing, even if it is labored. He briskly walks over and crouches down beside the blond man, gently setting him up to sit, leaned against the tub. Veritas exhales when the other’s body isn’t close to being dead weight, but he takes his relief back as he looks around the small bathroom.
There’s little hints to whatever the other had done to.. Attempt such a thing as this. But his gaze eventually settles on the oddest sight. And that’s when he realized he had to take immediate action. He moves to the other’s side, and takes his head into his arms.
----
It was at least two years into their collaboration that Veritas had realized how.. Fond of Aventurine he’d grown. He found himself thinking of the other often, and even a year or so later, after Penacony, his thoughts on the other grew to insurmountable heights. And it wasn’t only worry, no.
After that mission, he’d managed to worm his way into Aventurine’s life, much to the other’s chagrin. He chided the other and essentially put him onto bedrest for the coming months until he saw clear improvement in his health. And Veritas let him off the hook then, though he can’t deny that he’s still concerned.
But, he allowed the other his freedom again, merely checking in with a few messages here and there. After Penacony they weren’t partnered up again, likely.. Due to the situation that occured on the Planet of Festivities, that he’d allowed to happen. (He’d learned over time that saying no to Aventurine’s.. utterly inane ideas was fruitless and that he’d have better success in working on damage control.)
Yet, Veritas couldn’t deny that that.. fondness of the other had grown, stuck itself deep into his heart, and he never said a thing. He never liked indulging his emotions, after all. So he spent his time buried within books and his hobbies, trying to never linger on the thoughts that he.. Loved Aventurine. It was a curious concept, something he wasn’t even sure of himself.
He didn’t want to say a thing to the other on the concept, but he figures it was obvious. Even if he didn’t indulge himself in his emotions, he wore his heart on his sleeve if you knew where to look. Beyond the chastising words and the looks of disappointment, if you read Veritas well enough, you would realize that he’s in love with the blond.
And frankly, he figured the other found it out.
----
Veritas pressed two fingers down Aventurine’s throat, ignoring when the other’s eyes open wide. He pressed down on the back of his tongue, pushing his fingers as far back as he can. All until the other begins to gag, and even then, he doesn’t move his hand until he’s actively lurching forward to vomit. He settles the other to puke into the toilet, his arm curled tightly around him, with his dry hand on his pulse the entire time.
He needed to get these pills out of his system. Every time his sight left the blond, it focused on the empty pill bottles rolled behind the trashcan. He eventually pulled his gaze away from the orange containers and turned to his.. friend, looking him over before returning his fingers. He’d rather risk the other hurting himself by dry-heaving than actually.. Dying.
And so he continues this process until the other’s out of energy and he picks him up. He has a letter to read out of curiosity, and Aventurine needs to rest. He needs a lot of it, actually, judging by the eyebags under his eyes and the weakness that’s permeating his frame. So Veritas gently carries him to bed, before reluctantly letting the cat cakes in. They’d done good for his health, after all, so he won’t deny them a place in the room.
As they bounce into the room with a cacophony of meows, he takes a seat at Aventurine’s desk, picking up the letter. He settles back into the chair, relaxing, as he starts to read.
----
Doctor Ratio,
Hey, doc. My text probably brought you over here, yeah? I’m already long gone by the time you’re reading this.
I didn’t want to leave you without something, y’know?
I do love you. Duh. And I know you love me back and all that.
But, Maybe, Veritas, in another life I could be yours. But not in this one. Never in this one. I love you.
Aventurine.
Kakavasha.
----
Veritas scoffs at the first line, before going silent, and looking over his shoulder at Aventurine, laying in bed, the three cat cakes settled against his sleeping form. He can’t intrude far longer. Not at this present moment. So he folds the letter up and slips it into his pocket. He’s aware the other will know he’s the one that saved him, even in the haziest of moments, the blond seems to have an impeccable memory. Veritas just wishes that he would use that memory to remember his warnings.
Regardless, he turns out of the room, walking out as if he was never there. He returns home within the hour, bathing before sleeping. His nightly routine doesn’t break, despite the fear that still permeates his mind. But, he understands these situations. He’ll wake to a text from Aventurine, and then they’ll move on as if this has never happened. (Ratio’s kept every letter. Every message sent. Every apology. All held close to his heart.)
They’re the only ones that know of this little.. routine that’s started. Aventurine would say something that would have Veritas realize his impending attempt, and then he’d stop him from continuing forth with it, or from succumbing to it. (This was the first time there was a change. The first time one of them recognized their feelings. Ratio’s unsure of whether or not he likes this change.)
This was just routine now. And Ratio will adhere to it as he does every routine he holds. He’ll pick up Aventurine’s pieces and act as if it doesn’t cause his heart to twist every time he sees the new way the other has found to hurt himself. (The worst time was when Aventurine was in a hotel. Ratio didn’t have any of his supplies on him, and he recited a silent prayer from his home planet with each shard of glass he’d pulled from the other’s throat.)
He lays there in bed, hair still damp as he never cared to dry it off. He can’t bring himself to sleep, not at this hour. He allows himself this one hypocrisy, knowing how despite all logic, his body won’t let him sleep until he’s reassured that Aventurine is alright. So he sits up, moves to cancel his lectures for tomorrow at Veritas Prime. He does need a break as it is, after all, doesn’t he?
----
The next time he finds himself in the same room as Aventurine, the other thanks him in person. He knows why he did, after all. He knows of the other’s hatred of hospitals, even when they’re necessary. It’s why Veritas looked into medical history at one point, learning current advances under the guise of seeing how they evolved. (He’d rather not let others know of his and Aventurine’s routine. He knows how unhealthy it is to induldge the other in these.. Constant suicide attempts.)
He doesn’t mind Aventurine’s intrusion into his office at Veritas Prime, it’s his office hours, after all, and most students don’t stay after this late into them. So he allows the other to settle into the chair across his desk, spreading out as Veritas watches some of the tension leave his shoulders. He can’t bring himself to say a word, before the other starts the conversation on his own.
He falls into the conversation easily, reprimanding the other as he normally does. There’s a promise of eating dinner on the other’s lips as he leaves, his usual cocky grin never leaving his face. Veritas can’t find it in himself to believe him. But, he won’t say a word more. It never goes well when he does, after all. And even then, Veritas’ mouth opens to say more, but Aventurine is long gone by the time he even tries to speak. So he shuts up and returns to grading.
----
Once again, he finds himself in Aventurine’s apartment, key dangling from his hand. He inhales once, then exhales soon after. He knows what he’ll find here. Or well, he knows what to expect. There’s no letting his imagination get ahead of himself, all he hopes is that he’s not too late. He steps into the apartment, a soft sigh leaving his lips when he realizes the other didn’t lock the cats into the entryway again. A sign that perhaps nothing’s happened. That he’s worried for nothing. (It’d be out of routine, though. And Veritas dreads the thought of that. The idea of something as fickle as this routine breaking is too much.)
He turns down the hall as he has many times before, checking the bedroom before the bathroom. Empty. All empty.
He expected this. He should’ve. Aventurine left. He took everything and left. Veritas lets himself slump against the doorway and exhale. He doesn’t let himself feel or do much more than that, though, and he picks himself up. He returns to the entryway, and then turns around again. He knew the other had known of his hiding place for his vices.
It isn’t long until he’s opened the drawer below the sink. It’s just as he’d left it before, after all. He pulls out the unlabelled box and the lighter, heading out to the balcony connected to the bathroom. The smoke burns his throat and his eyes water, but he’ll allow himself this one thing. Perhaps one day he won’t be a hypocrite.
----
He wakes to an empty home. He’d fallen asleep here. Right. He picks himself up, and fixes his outfit, crinkling his nose at the smell of smoke. At least he used the cigarette properly. It’s not like the other’s habit to use them to merely burn himself. (Veritas, the good Doctor he is, ignored the burn marks he’d see on the other’s limbs. It’s not like he could fix them. He would watch them heal and then be replaced, as it is.)
Just as he should have expected, though, one turns to two to many. He’s concerned his students with his declining health, and he knows it. So he takes the remainder of his vacation days off, and spends them trying to ‘fix’ himself. It won’t work and he knows it, but that’s okay. He chooses patches over the cigarettes, chooses the right options. (It doesn’t replace the burn in his throat but that’s alright. He’ll fix himself. He can’t change or else he’ll lose what little he has left.)
----
Veritas doesn’t know when he stopped waiting for Aventurine to return. To stop running away from his past. Again. He’d let the Astral Express’ intel on him whittle away into nothing as they stopped hearing from him. He’d stopped checking to see if the blond unblocked him. He’d gone.. apathetic to the the idea that he’d return to his previous life of normalcy.
So he threw himself into his work. It was what he was good at, was it not? He was known for this, after all. So he worked on his research, collaborations, whatever classes he had or whatever the Intellegentsia Guild needed of him. He did it all. There’s the lingering thought that he’s a hypocrite in the back of his mind, but he heeds it no mind.
Who is there to call him out as a hypocrite, when the man he advised is gone? So he continues his bad habits. The smoking returns, and then leaves. Returns and leaves. He isn’t sure when he’ll stop entirely. (He knows exactly when he’ll burn them to a crisp and leave them behind. But that time is slowly turning into never.)
----
Veritas Ratio is known as the man whose humanity and emotions have held him behind. So, why is he surprised that now that he’s decided to forgo those emotions that have wrapped themselves so deeply in his heart, he’s gotten an invitation to the Genius Society? He doesn’t know how to respond, to accept or decline, so he doesn’t. He ignores Nous’ call, something the Veritas of the past would never do.
He is a shell of the man he once was. Most of those around him know it. Topaz called it grieving once. He finds it in himself to agree with her. There is no Doctor Veritas Ratio anymore. There’s just a man, named Veritas, who doesn’t know who he is anymore. He’d taken his PhDs off the wall. There was no need to think of his knowledge anymore. He is no longer a Mundanite when Nous has settled THEIR gaze on him.
Herta reprimanded him once, for declining THEIR call. Ruan Mei called him different, when he asked her about how the cat cakes were. (Despite Aventurine taking his three with him, Veritas kept an interest in the creatures, no matter how faint.) He brushed them off. And later cancelled his collaborations with Screwllum. Was he cutting ties with others? Perhaps. But they didn’t need to see him like this. Topaz truly was correct. He is grieving. Grieving himself and Aventurine.
----
He mets Aventurine again in his own home. Once upon a time, they exchanged keys for their homes. And then Aventurine left and Veritas broke. He doesn’t want to dwell on the concern in his eyes. Their routine has flipped, now. Aventurine is picking up Veritas’ pieces. But, Veritas is.. Getting better, is he not? He can’t be grieving a man who is here now.
Veritas rises again. He returns to who he was in the matter of months. The parts of himself that he’d shed while he was a mess. (Nous rescinds THEIR offer. Veritas doesn’t particularly care.) There’s this.. Newfound shine in Aventurine’s eyes when Veritas is back to ‘normal’. And so he stays as he is now.
And if Aventurine falls again, Veritas sets himself to help him. Over and Over again. Even though they both know this is fruitless. They can’t be together. At least, a letter from years ago says so. And who’s to say that they have to follow the rules of the past to a T?