Chapter Text
Eddie wakes up to the sound of Buck’s alarm and immediately lets out a groan as he buries his head further into his pillow… which is feeling suspiciously not like a pillow at all. Eddie realizes just what he’s resting on when Buck chuckles and reaches over to silence the alarm.
Eddie withdraws himself from his place on Buck’s chest, meaning Buck also has to move the arm that had been curled around Eddie. He cracks an eye open and mutters out a “Sorry.”
Buck just laughs again. “No worries.” He sits up and stretches. “Last chance if you want to come with me and Chris.”
Eddie shakes his head. “You guys have fun,” he replies, knowing it comes out as more of a mumble, but also knowing that Buck will understand him. He misses the warmth as soon as Buck leaves the bed.
He isn’t sure how much time passes before he’s woken up by a hand gently brushing through his hair. He blinks his eyes open slowly to see Buck looking down at him with a tender expression. If Eddie was even a little bit more awake, he’s sure he’d have some thoughts about the look in Buck’s eyes, but for now, he’s barely able to comprehend Buck’s words.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you. I’m heading out.”
“M’kay,” Eddie murmurs in response. “See ya later.” His eyelids are falling shut shortly after. He thinks he feels the hand in his hair again and a slight press against his cheek, but it’s fleeting and he’s already drifting off again, so he isn’t sure if he imagined it.
He had planned to sleep in a bit, especially since Buck woke up very early so he and Chris could arrive as soon as the museum opened. And he does get to sleep for a bit before he wakes to the sound of his phone ringing.
He wants nothing more than to ignore it and just go back to sleep, but he grabs it and sees his mother is calling him. He doesn’t look at the time before answering, but he knows it’s still early.
“Eddie? Where are you?” she asks in lieu of a greeting.
“I’m still at Abuela’s. I was sleeping. Did something happen?”
“Buck’s here,” she explains.
Eddie doesn’t see the problem. “Okay. Is there an issue?”
“He says he’s here to pick up Christopher,” she continues, and Eddie still doesn’t understand, but he feels a growing pit in his stomach, hoping he’s wrong about what she’s getting at here.
“Yes. He and Christopher are going out today.”
“How were we supposed to know that?” she huffs.
And Eddie does his best not to get too angry. “We were talking about it last night at dinner.”
She pauses, and he’s sure she’s probably looking for some excuse. “Well,” she sputters, “I figured you’d be here.”
“I don’t need to be there to chaperone their every interaction, mom. I have my own plans for this morning.”
“I just don’t understand why he should be spending time with Christopher at all.”
“I already told you,” he grits out, “Buck is Christopher’s family. And he’s a lot more knowledgeable and interested in this stuff than me, so there’s no reason they shouldn’t go together. They do stuff like this all the time back home, with or without me. Please don’t make this a thing.” And he can’t help it, but he ends up saying, “You need confirmation he’s not trying to kidnap my son? You have it, okay?”
Helena scoffs. “That is not what I said, Eddie.”
“Sure is what you implied, though, isn’t it? By calling me to double check if I was aware. You don’t even trust me with my own son, no wonder you won’t trust my best friend.”
“Eddie—” she cuts herself off. He hears her talking to someone in the background. Though it’s muffled, he’s fairly sure she’s talking to Chris. “Alright, he’s going.” She hangs up without a goodbye, and Eddie can’t find it in himself to be upset. He knows he struck a nerve, but it’s not like he said anything that wasn’t true.
He gives it a few minutes before calling Buck to double check that his parents did actually let Chris go with Buck. Buck sounds a bit stressed over the whole situation, but assures Eddie that everything’s fine and they’re on their way now. Eddie once again wishes that they have a good day before ending the call. He knows he isn’t going to get any more sleep, so he resigns himself to getting up and starting the day.
He spends the morning with Abuela and Adriana, who joins them after a while. After discussing his Christmas present ideas, Adriana is not only able to direct him where to go, but is also willing to give him a ride there and help him find what he’s looking for. Every once in a while, he gets an update from Buck, and he can’t help the smile that takes over his face each time. And Adriana doesn’t tease him too much over his reactions to Buck’s texts.
Buck asks if Chris can join them for dinner because Buck wants to cook something, and Eddie has never agreed to something so fast. The last thing he wants is to spend another meal playing nice with his parents, especially when they barely have the decency to do so in return. He’s nice enough to send them a message informing them (not asking, because he’s sick of them acting like he needs to ask to spend time with his own son) that Chris would be with them for dinner, and they would drop him off later in the evening. He mostly just contacts them so they don’t bother him about it later.
When Buck and Christopher finally return, it’s later in the afternoon, and Buck retreats to the guest room almost immediately, spending some time there before coming back out to start on dinner. Eddie’s perfectly content to listen to Chris, as he recounts his and Buck’s day. Eventually, while they’re cooking, Chris wants to play a video game and Eddie is delighted that rather than just ignoring Eddie to play his game, Chris decides to teach him how to play. Eddie’s able to catch on pretty quickly, and time passes pretty quickly.
As they’re all sitting down to dinner, Eddie realizes that he’s so much more at ease. Despite some troubles earlier in the day, this day has been a good one. Of course, his ideal day would include a lot more of Buck and Christopher, but he feels like he was able to spend a good amount of time with people who matter to him.
Abuela dives right into expressing how good Buck is at cooking, and Eddie just watches as Buck turns red from the praise.
“She’s right, it’s so good, Buck,” Christopher says. And Eddie watches as Buck melts a little. Eddie’s reminded of their conversation from the previous night, but he also knows that Buck always puts a little extra pressure on himself when he’s cooking for other people anyway.
And the cookies are a hit. Christopher doesn’t notice or comment on them being any different from his expectations and Buck absolutely beams. Eddie is incredibly relieved.
After dinner, Eddie sends Buck and Chris away while he cleans up the kitchen.
“They just get along so well, don’t they?” Abuela comments, coming into the kitchen as Eddie’s doing the dishes.
Eddie smiles to himself. “Yeah.”
“This is the happiest I’ve seen Christopher in a while, with the two of you.”
“Really?”
She nods. “You seem happier, too.”
“Of course I am.”
“Not just because of Christopher.” At this, Eddie looks over at her, to see a knowing smile on her face as she glances back in the direction of the living room. She kisses him on the cheek with a, “Good night, Eddie.”
He’s left there, just to think to himself. How obvious is he?
---
Eventually, reluctantly, Eddie takes Christopher back to his parents’ house.
They’re listening to music, but after some time, Chris speaks, “I’m really glad you guys came, dad.”
Eddie turns the music down some. “I’m really glad you invited us.” Then, after a minute. “I really missed you, buddy.”
“I missed you, too.”
It makes Eddie think of a conversation years before. I miss you all the time. Is that still true? Now that Chris isn’t little? Because it’s still true for Eddie.
And Eddie wants to ask. Does this mean you’re ready to come home? And despite the fact that he and Christopher have been on good terms for a while, it still feels so fragile to him, like he has to tiptoe his way through every conversation, so scared to say the wrong thing and send their relationship all the way back to square one.
Chris doesn’t say much more, chatting idly about plans for the next day, but when they arrive, he gives Eddie a hug, holding on tighter and longer than he had in years. Eddie kisses the top of his head before he goes inside, offering a curt greeting to his father before retreating to the car.
He figured Buck would’ve just gone to bed after he left, having noticed the way he had been drifting off after dinner. And… well, he didn’t not do that. Eddie can’t help but laugh when he enters the guest room, seeing Buck sleeping on top of the covers, phone on his chest with one hand loosely gripped around it.
After getting ready for bed, he plops down on the bed beside Buck and watches as he stirs. “You know, sleeping is usually better when you’re actually in the bed.”
Buck looks at him, then down at his own phone. “Sorry, I was… I was gonna wait up for you. Make sure you made it back okay.”
“You didn’t have to do that. If you’re tired, go to sleep, Buck.”
“Well I will now that I know you’re safe,” he says, plugging in his phone and getting under the covers.
“I mean you fell asleep even though you didn’t know I was safe, so…”
Buck answers this with a light smack to Eddie’s arm, which Eddie just laughs at. “I wasn’t sleeping deeply, hence why you were able to wake me up so easily. I wouldn’t have been asleep very long before I was waking up again and worrying about where you were.”
“You don’t have to worry about me, Buck. But I appreciate it.”
“I always worry about you,” Buck murmurs. “It’s my job.”
“I don’t remember that being in the job description of being my best friend.”
“It is,” Buck hums, eyes drooping closed. “Right under putting up with your sense of humor.”
“I have it on good authority that you think I’m very funny.”
Buck shakes his head, words becoming slurred as sleep takes him over. “It’s the Zendaya laugh, Eddie.”
And Eddie knows this has to be some obscure internet reference, he’ll have to ask Chris about it some other time. “I don’t even know what that means.”
Buck doesn’t reply but manages a smirk even in his sleepy state.
“Good night, Buck.”
“G’night,” a sleepy Buck mumbles back and Eddie is so in love.
---
The next day, Sophia and Eddie’s cousin, Liliana, are taking a bunch of the kids out and Eddie has been invited (and subsequently denied that invitation) a frankly impressive number of times. As an extension of Eddie during this trip, Buck was also invited, but Eddie did not tell Buck this because he knew Buck would want to and convince Eddie to also help out. And it’s not that Eddie doesn’t want to spend time with his family, but that many kids all at once… nope.
Somehow, Buck was volunteered to make a chocolate chip pancake breakfast for all (Eddie’s not quite sure if Chris volunteered him, or Buck volunteered himself). So Eddie once again finds himself waking up earlier than he’d like during what’s supposed to be a vacation to sit in the kitchen as Buck makes pancakes.
“You can go back to bed, if you’d prefer, you know. The kids won’t be here for a while,” Buck reminds him.
“It’s not fair if I get to sleep in and you don’t,” Eddie responds. “You’re doing this for my family.”
“I’m doing this,” Buck clarifies, “because I love making pancakes. And because Christopher loves them.”
Eddie wants to bring up that he gets the incredible benefit of getting to watch Buck cook, which is quickly becoming one of his favorite past times, but he decides against it because he can’t justify why he loves it without also mentioning that he loves Buck (and that for some reason, it’s just so damn attractive). They chat about everything and nothing as Buck continues, having created a sizeable stack by the time the kids start pouring through the door.
Eddie’s begrudgingly leaves Buck to go greet his family. Buck brings a stack of pancakes to the table, greets Sophia and Liliana, and introduces himself to as many of the kids who have the patience for it. As they start to serve the kids, Buck retreats to make more.
Before Buck is fully out of the room, though, Liliana loudly declares, “You’re right, Sophia, he’s so handsome.”
Buck glances back at Eddie and Eddie sees the blush starting on his face. Eddie turns to see both women giggling. He wants to glare, but he can’t be mad at someone complimenting Buck, he deserves to hear it.
He must not hide his thoughts as well as he’d like to though because Liliana’s saying, “Down, boy. I’m not trying to steal your man. It’s just an observation.”
Eddie quickly feels a blush taking over his own face, sputtering, “He’s not— We’re not— We’re just friends.”
He doesn’t notice that Buck has come back into the room until he’s setting the syrup down on the table and retreating. And Eddie’s really not sure how to interpret the awkward smile on Buck’s face, especially when there’s something that looks a little too much like disappointment in his eyes.
After a bit, Buck joins them as they all eat, and the kids have tons of questions for him. Eddie tries not to take offense to the fact that none of them have ever wanted to know this much about Eddie’s career, despite the fact that he is also a firefighter. But he’s never going to complain because he knows Buck basks in the attention and he gets along with them so well.
As Liliana and Abuela are wrangling the kids and getting them ready to go, Sophia and Christopher help him and Buck clear the table and carry the dishes to the kitchen.
“Dad, Buck, look!” Christopher exclaims with a mischievous smile, pointing at something above their heads.
Eddie deposits the plates that he’s carrying and looks up. He rolls his eyes when he notices the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling. He doesn’t know how long it’s been there, but it’s not exactly something he’s noticed before.
“Come on, Eddie, it’s tradition,” Sophia teases.
He turns back to Buck, whose face is red with how hard he’s blushing. Eddie raises an eyebrow to verify that Buck’s okay with this and receives a nod of approval, so he presses a quick kiss to Buck’s cheek before turning back to their audience with an unimpressed face.
Eddie sees something evil in his sister’s eyes. She boos them and says, “That was pathetic.”
“Yeah,” Chris agrees. “You’re supposed to kiss for real.” Eddie shoots a confused expression at his son, who only gives him a smirk in response. And sure, they’ve watched plenty of movies where people kissed ‘for real’ under mistletoe, but Christopher’s also seen plenty of innocent cheek kisses throughout the holidays in his real life, so Eddie’s really not sure where this is coming from.
“Uh, guys—” Buck starts.
But Eddie is already turning back to him, just wanting to get this over with, and quietly asking, “Do you mind if I kiss you?”
Buck’s eyes widen and he nods. “Yeah, I mean— no, I don’t mind. That’s— yeah, that’s fine.”
And this isn’t how Eddie would’ve ever imagined their first kiss, but he also never thought they’d have a first kiss, and this is as good of an excuse as any. Eddie’s hand finds its way to the back of Buck’s neck to pull him in for what can probably barely be considered a kiss. It’s the shortest press of lips, but Eddie already knows that he’s going to carry that brief feeling for the rest of his life.
It satisfies Sophia and Chris enough, and then they’re being called back out to the living room because it’s time to go. Eddie says goodbye before returning to help Buck clean up. He tries not to notice that Buck has been silent since they kissed.
Eventually he says, “I’m sorry if they made you uncomfortable.”
“Hm?” Buck questions.
“With the whole,” Eddie gestures above them, “mistletoe thing.”
“It didn’t make me uncomfortable,” Buck assures.
But. “You’ve been really quiet. I wouldn’t have kissed you if you didn’t want me to.”
“It’s fine, Eddie. Really,” Buck repeats. “You asked and I said yes. If anything, I would’ve thought you would’ve been uncomfortable about it.”
Eddie’s face scrunches up at this. “Why?”
“Well,” Buck’s actions pause for a moment as he thinks, “you know. I’m actually into guys, so. It’s not like kissing a man is particularly unfamiliar or uncomfortable to me.”
And. Oh. Right. Cause Buck doesn’t know yet. And this isn’t how Eddie wanted to do it. But he also didn’t know how or when he wanted to do it. And because of that, he had been pushing it back for weeks. So. Since the opportunity presented itself.
“Well, about that,” Eddie says.
Buck’s eyes are wide when they meet Eddie’s. The plate he’s holding clatters as it falls into the sink, not hard enough to break, but hard enough to make a loud noise.
“Everything alright?” Abuela calls.
“Yes,” they both answer.
Buck grabs the plate, eyes looking at it intensely and avoiding Eddie.
Eddie grabs it from him, and gently sets it down. He leans down until he can meet Buck’s eyes and when he stands back up, Buck’s eyes follow him.
Eddie takes a deep breath. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. It’ll be fine. “Um, okay. Well. The truth is… I’m… I’m gay,” he breathes. And it’s… a little less difficult each time he says it. He feels the weight lifted off himself, just from having the other most important person in his life know this big piece of him.
Buck immediately pulls him into a hug. “Eddie, that’s…” And because Buck thinks he’s incredibly funny, he pulls back and says, “This doesn’t change a thing between us.”
And Eddie wants to go back in time and shake his past self for saying something like that. And he recognizes that back then it seemed like the right thing to say, seeing as he didn’t know he was gay or in love with his best friend, but now he wants more than anything for this to change things between them.
“Thanks, Buck,” Eddie says, as they both go back to doing the dishes.
“Can I ask how long you’ve known?” Buck inquires.
“Um.” And Eddie doesn’t want to say ‘oh you know my sexuality crisis just so happened to be around the same time as you and your stupid boyfriend broke up and despite the fact that it wasn’t necessarily caused by the breakup, it was absolutely caused by the fact that I’m irrevocably in love with you.’ So he goes with, “You know, lots of time for, uh, self-reflection without Christopher around. The last few months have just… made me realize I’ve never thought about who I am outside of being Christopher’s father.” And it’s kind of true. That was definitely part of the process, even if it wasn’t the catalyst. “But I really only accepted it in the last few weeks.”
Buck gives him a soft smile. “Well I’m glad you figured that out and that you felt comfortable telling me. Who else knows?”
“Just you and Chris right now. I do plan on telling more people, but…”
“I get it,” Buck says. “Take your time. There’s no pressure whatsoever. Whatever you’re happy and comfortable with.”
And Eddie just loves him so much. There’s a part of him that wants to tell Buck now. Just get everything off his chest. He knows Buck would be kind about it. Let him down gently. But he also wants to sit in this moment. Let it be its own thing, not forever soured by the memory of Buck rejecting him, regardless of how kindly he’d do it.
“I really appreciate you, you know that?” he says instead.
Buck bumps him with his shoulder. “I really appreciate you, too, Eddie.”
---
A little while later, after they’ve reset the house back to how it was before the tornado of children, Eddie queries, “What do you want to do today?”
Buck ponders for a moment. And though he knows it’s not the response he’s going to get, he secretly prays that Buck will say he just wants to spend the day lazing in bed. And great, now he’s going to be thinking about how nice it sounds to just spend a lazy day in bed with Buck, just cuddling, talking—
“I want to see El Paso,” Buck decides.
Eddie gestures out the window, “That’s El Paso. Congratulations. You’ve seen it. Now what?”
Buck laughs. “No, I want to see El Paso. Last time we only really had time to see your parents’ house and then this time I’ve seen some of the commercial stuff, sure, but I want to see El Paso from your eyes. Like, if we were in Hershey… I’d show you the skate park I used to go to with my friends, or… oh, my favorite place Maddie used to take me for ice cream, you know? I want to see a side of El Paso that only Eddie Diaz knows.”
And… okay, yeah, Eddie can do that.
He takes him for a simple tour first: they drive by his schools, parks he would go to as a kid with his sisters, the house that he and Shannon lived in, even going past a few places that don’t exist anymore, but Eddie tries his best to paint the picture for Buck, so he can understand what it was like. It’s actually… really fun. With so many bad memories that sour his mental image of his hometown, he’s finding that there are twice as many good memories from his childhood there. It’s not enough to make him want to stay here for a long time, knowing for every good memory he has in El Paso, he has an even better one in L.A., because many of his L.A. memories include Buck. But… it does restore some of his love for this town.
They end up going to a diner for lunch.
“Alright, best milkshakes in town,” Buck repeats Eddie’s own words as he looks over the menu. “Which one should I get?”
“Hold on,” Eddie cautions, “I said they did have the best milkshakes in town, but it’s been nearly fifteen years since I was a regular here.”
A bit after they order, Buck asks, “So fifteen years ago. Come here a lot when you were in high school?”
“Yeah,” Eddie replies with a fond smile. “Shannon and I used to come here on dates a lot.”
Buck gives him a soft smile at this. Eddie had felt a little self-conscious at first, talking about Shannon so much, but she was there for a lot of his best memories from high school. Buck’s been nothing but kind, listening intently to it all, asking questions every now and again. Just as he has done for the last six or so years, he only ever asks about Shannon whenever Eddie brings her up first, but he doesn’t ask like he’s trying to figure out their relationship, but just… like he’s honestly curious about her, as a person. Eddie wonders if they would’ve been friends if they’d gotten a chance to get to know each other. These two people that Eddie loves so much, in different ways. But truthfully, before Shannon was anything else, she was his best friend.
He looks up at his current best friend, who’s looking around with wonder at the place. “It was a super affordable date for a high schooler,” Eddie continues. “And…” he trails off as their food is brought to their table.
Buck gestures to the milkshakes. “Best milkshakes in town!”
Eddie can’t help but to laugh and nod. “That and…” he looks around the room before his eyes settle on something in the corner. He points, “that.”
“The jukebox?” Buck inquires.
Eddie nods. “Shannon would waste every coin in her wallet on that thing, just playing song after song. Sometimes she’d even get up and dance.” The jukebox isn’t hooked up anymore, clearly more of a decoration than anything, but Eddie’s glad they kept it.
“That sounds really fun. Did you ever dance with her?”
“Not often, I’m not the best dancer, you know this.”
Buck makes a face. “I wouldn’t say that. Those were some moves that you pulled out at Chim’s bachelor party.”
Eddie almost spits out his drink at this. “As if you remember much of that! Alright, fine, I’m not the best dancer when I’m sober.”
Buck shakes his head. “Next time there’s a 118 wedding, I’m getting you out onto that dance floor and we’ll put it to the test.”
And Eddie tries not to think about the fact that almost everyone amongst the different shifts is either married already or not close enough to Buck or Eddie that either of them would even be invited to the wedding. Which means the next wedding that either of them goes to would probably end up being Buck’s. And the thought makes Eddie sick.
After lunch (in which Buck confirms that they are, in fact, damn good milkshakes), they continue on their tour of the town.
They’re mostly quiet, just listening to music, but suddenly Eddie says, “He hasn’t been talking about her.” He realizes he didn’t clarify at all who he meant, but as always, Buck just manages to get his brain.
“Shannon?”
Eddie nods. “Christmas was always their thing, you know? But this year… he hasn’t mentioned her once, even in passing.”
Buck frowns. “I’d say maybe he’s just growing up, but… it’s definitely strange.” And of course Buck understood. He had spent the last several Christmases with Chris, even if not on the day itself, he knew just how much of a strong connection Chris had between the holiday and his mom.
“I’m just…” Eddie sighs. “I’m worried he’s forgetting her. And that’s the last thing I want. I mean, she’s his mom.”
“I get it. Maybe we could… talk to him about it? See if it’s because of something else? Maybe he is just growing up, not feeling as connected to the holiday.”
And Eddie tries not to focus on how Buck said ‘we.’ Not ‘you could talk to him about it’ but ‘we could.’
“Maybe.”
When they get to the next place, Eddie puts the car in park, but doesn’t make a move to get out, so Buck doesn’t either. Eddie looks around, the place hasn’t changed much since he left. It’s a bit secluded, far enough out of the way, but with a nice view, though he’s sure nobody ever came here for the view.
Buck takes in their surroundings. “You know, I always thought if you’d take me somewhere to murder me, you’d have a bit more pizzazz with it, but I suppose this will do.”
Eddie barks out a laugh, not having expected that. “Okay, don’t laugh.”
Buck puts on a very serious expression. “Oh, I’m not laughing. I’m about to be murdered.”
“You wanted El Paso from Eddie Diaz’s eyes,” Eddie gestures around as he continues, “this is a, uh, spot a lot of people from my high school came to. To, uh,” he blushes, suddenly self-conscious of the fact that he brought Buck here, “to make out and stuff.”
And Buck. Well. He puts on a cocky expression and leans a little more into Eddie’s space, “Oh, I see. Got one taste of my lips and couldn’t get enough, huh?”
And god, if only Buck knew the truth. But Eddie knows it’s just a joke. So he reacts in the way that Buck would expect him to. In the way that he would’ve only a year ago when he didn’t realize he was in love with his best friend and this kind of joke would have made him feel such an intense feeling that could only be described as gay panic, not that he would’ve known it was gay panic back then. Yes, he reacts the way straight Eddie would react.
He rolls his eyes, pushes Buck back lightly and says, “You wish.”
Buck laughs in response, turning his head away. After a moment, he seems to recover, asking, “So, you come here with Shannon a lot?” He looks around. “I’m not, like, looking at where Christopher was conceived or anything, am I?”
This earns him a shove from Eddie. “God, no. I think we came here… two, maybe three times? Probably with the intention of making out, but then we just… I don’t know. We just kinda talked?”
“You took your then girlfriend to a place that everyone went to make out and just… talked? And yet it still took you how many years to realize that maybe you weren’t into women?”
“I don’t think you realize just how far into that closet I was.”
“I don’t think you were in the closet, Eddie, I think you were just straight up in Narnia.”
At this, both of them crack up laughing.
Eddie looks around again. “I think this is maybe my… fifth time here? Never made out with anyone a single time.” And he stops himself before he can say something absurd like ‘wanna change that?’
An expression of pure delight takes over Buck’s face and Eddie didn’t even realize what he’d said until Buck speaks. “Five times, huh? What happened to ‘I married the first girl I dated?’”
“The other time wasn’t… someone I was dating,” Eddie explains.
“Scandalous,” Buck says.
“And… it wasn’t a girl,” Eddie continues.
He expects more ooh-ing or aah-ing or teasing in any form from Buck, but instead looks over to see a look of curiosity on his face. Like he wants to know, but is too polite to ask.
“He was… one of my friends from the baseball team.” He hasn’t thought about it in years, but looking back on it now, with the additional context of his recent revelations, well… it’s like looking at a completely different memory. “And I think… I think we both convinced ourselves that coming here was our only option, you know? Like we just wanted to be alone and chat, and everywhere else we’d get in trouble for loitering, so…”
“But that’s all you did? Talked?” Buck prods gently.
Eddie nods. “I think… I think I definitely liked him, not that I had realized or admitted it to myself. And him… well, I can’t say for certain that he was into me, but… we’re still friends on Facebook and he and his husband are going on ten years, so…” He laughs at how absurd it all is. He came here with his girlfriend and never once thought about kissing her, but the second he came here with one of his guy friends, the conversation seemed so boring and like it was dragging on.
“Sometimes I wonder how different my life would’ve been if one of my guy friends had kissed me,” Buck admits, staring out in front of them. “Since apparently that’s all it took for me to realize I’m bi. And there are moments that I look back on now where I’m like ‘yeah, that was a moment.’ But none of them ever took the first step because everyone always knew me as the guy who went after what he wanted, I just didn’t realize what I wanted was to kiss people who aren’t women, too.” Buck pauses for a moment before turning back to Eddie. “What do you think you would’ve done? If he had made a move?”
Eddie shrugs, because honestly… “I don’t know.” He thinks about it for a long moment. “I mean, my parents would’ve killed me. And their opinion mattered a lot more to me back then.”
“And they… wouldn’t have supported that?”
Eddie has to laugh at this. “Absolutely not. You know the first day we got here, they threw a fit when they found out you and I are sharing a bed. Said it’s ‘not natural.’”
Buck winces. “I’m sorry, Eddie.”
Eddie waves him off. “It’s not like I didn’t expect it. I mean, they’re Catholics. It’s just… disappointing. And… they’re so frustrating because they want to pretend they’re not but then they’ll just say stuff or like, make faces at people. Sometimes I honestly think me getting Shannon pregnant was a relief to them.”
“Relief how?”
“I wasn’t very good at the whole… making up crushes and stuff, so I didn’t really talk about girls I was interested around them, because there just weren’t any. But finally, with Shannon, I felt so strongly about her platonically that I was able to convince myself that I was romantically interested in her, too. And when my parents found out… They were pissed, don’t get me wrong. But… at least that means I was interested in women, you know? God, if only they knew… But it’s just like, they would never say anything about the fact that one of my closest friends is a lesbian, right? They couldn’t care less about the fact that she’s married to a woman, whatever. But the fact that I’d let my son around them? Absolutely not. If they knew the truth about who Christopher lives with? Oh, they’d never let him come back to L.A.”
Buck seems to get angrier and angrier as Eddie speaks, and he expects Buck to go on a rant rivaling the kinds of things Eddie says about the Buckleys. But instead. “That’s not their choice to make, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Whether or not Chris comes home. They shouldn’t get a say in that.”
“I know,” Eddie acknowledges. “And I know I don’t owe anyone anything, but there’s a part of me that just… never wants to come out to them, or for them to find out, regardless of the circumstances, until Chris is 18. Just in case.”
“You think they’d sue for custody?”
Eddie sighs. “I hope not, but I don’t actually know.”
“You’d win, you know that, right?”
“I think so, yeah.”
“I’d say I’d trade you, but… yeah, no.”
“Oh, I’d never wish my parents on anyone. And I really don’t think I could deal with yours, even if they were more accepting of my sexuality,” Eddie says with a laugh, knowing full well how badly he wants to give the Buckleys a piece of his mind.
“Accepting is… one way to put it,” Buck responds. “Though I mostly meant the fact that my parents would never take enough interest to try to take my child away from me.”
And Eddie wants to reply to Buck’s second statement, but the first one perplexes him. “They seemed fine at the wedding. They’re… not?”
Buck heaves a deep sigh. “It’s… complicated. I think having a bisexual kid is probably the best-case scenario for them because they can tell all their friends, so everyone knows just how progressive they are, but at the end of the day, they can sleep well with their own assurances that I’ll marry a woman.”
And Eddie thinks he knows where this is going, but he still prompts Buck to keep going. “And if you don’t?”
“I mean, they didn’t show up to Maddie’s first wedding because they didn’t like who she was marrying,” Buck reminds him. “And it’s not like they knew that Doug was the scum of the earth. They just… didn’t like him. And I don’t think I could ever find it in myself to be as sad as Maddie was, but… I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I probably wouldn’t hear from them ever again.”
“Good riddance,” Eddie mumbles. And Buck… Buck smiles at this. So Eddie shrugs. “I don’t like any person who’s ever done you harm, and they’re at the top of that list.”
And Buck pretends to think for a moment before returning with, “I think Freddie Costas might be at the top of that list.”
They both spend the next few minutes laughing at that. Leave it to Buck to make a joke about one of the worst moments of Eddie’s life.
They spend the next portion of their drive with the music turned low so they can keep chatting. This time when they park, they actually get out of the car and Buck follows Eddie as they take a walk through the park. Buck’s in the middle of a story, and Eddie doesn’t want to interrupt with his own commentary, so he takes a bit of a longer path than he would’ve otherwise. Eventually, they come upon a gazebo. It’s nicely decorated this time of year, simple but still some lights and things to match the holidays.
They sit on a bench nearby and Buck finishes up his story and opens the floor up to Eddie.
“I remember we drove past this park earlier,” Buck recounts, “you said you used to come here with your sisters?”
Eddie nods. They hadn’t been able to see the gazebo, since it was further set back from the road, but Eddie’s glad he decided to bring them back a bit later, as the sun’s setting, so they can better admire the decorations.
“Yeah. When I was younger… I used to imagine getting married here. I didn’t often imagine my wedding or anything like that, didn’t have much planned out. There were just weddings that took place here often enough that I decided I wanted mine to be some place like this. I think…” He pauses to look around. “I think it was less about the place itself and the fact that I just saw this… this beautiful celebration of love. And I knew that’s what I wanted for myself. And I associated it so heavily with this place.”
“Where did you and Shannon get married?” Buck queries.
“Oh, in a church, of course. With the reception in my parents’ backyard.”
Buck smiles sadly. “I’m sorry, Eddie.”
Eddie looks back out at the gazebo. “It’s okay. I got to watch Sophia get married here. Of course, my parents rioted over the fact that she didn’t want to get married in a church as well, but she was so happy. And it was… everything I could’ve ever wanted for her.”
“You’re really close with your sisters, huh?”
“Absolutely. I mean, I know you get it. Like, sometimes they make me want to pull my hair out, of course. But… they’re my closest allies when it comes to things with my parents. With Adriana, since she’s a lot younger, I mean, sometimes I felt like I was more of a dad than a brother to her. And I really wish I had gotten to get to know her in a different context, without all that pressure,” Eddie confesses.
But Buck, of all people, gets it. “I mean, you already know that Maddie… I mean, she raised me, ten times more than my parents ever did. And it’s finally just now that I’m getting to actually know her as a person, as my sister, you know?”
“I’m definitely getting more of that now. And with Sophia… I mean, she was my first friend. It was her and I against the world. And I feel so bad that I let our relationship deteriorate so much when I was in Afghanistan, and I’m trying to make up for it now. But we’re both so busy with our own jobs and our own kids. Not to mention the fact that we live 800 miles apart,” he laments.
Buck gives him a sad smile, turning to look back out at the gazebo. “Do you still want to get married here?” And Eddie pretends it doesn’t sound at least a little like ‘I’d marry you here, if you want,’ because he knows that’s not how Buck intended it.
“I don’t know. I think seeing Sophia’s wedding filled that hole in my heart.”
“Where do you think you’ll want to have your next wedding?” Buck asks.
And Eddie doesn’t actually think he’d ever get married again because the one person he’d ever want to marry is the one person he can’t have. “If I ever got remarried,” he begins, “it’d be… whatever my partner wants.”
Buck scoffs. “That’s a cop-out and you know it. You can’t just say you’d let them pick everything.”
“My hypothetical future husband’s feelings mean a lot to me,” Eddie argues. “Ideally, we’d pick together.”
“You don’t even have a preference?” Buck pushes. “Come on, Eddie, I know you’ve got some opinions up there.”
Eddie rolls his eyes fondly. “Okay. Um, I think an outside venue could be nice? If the weather allows for it.”
“What season?”
“Fall.”
Buck raises an eyebrow. “Not spring?”
Eddie shakes his head. “You can’t beat the colors of fall.”
“I know,” Buck says softly, staring out at the trees around them. “Fall’s my favorite season.”
“I know,” Eddie replies. And he’s not quite sure if he meant to say it out loud, but it’s out there now.
They both sit in silence for some more time, admiring their surroundings as the sun descends on the horizon. Eddie considers heading back, but he wants to see the decorations in the park when they’re all lit up. And since the thread of conversation is still kind of open and this might be one of the only chances he gets, he turns the question back on Buck.
“What about you? Dream wedding. What’s it look like?”
Buck hums. “I think I’d decide a lot of it with my future partner as well.”
Eddie squints at him, not quite believing that. “I figured you’d have some ideas, though.”
Buck shrugs and looks out around them. “Outdoor venue would be nice. I could be talked into spring, if the venue was someone that would be better during the spring. Of course, then you have to worry about actually getting it booked because everyone wants a spring wedding, so fall just works out better. Somewhere with some coverage if necessary, so rain can’t ruin it. Not too many people, maybe twenty to thirty people that are the closest to us. Lots of flowers.” Every time Eddie thinks Buck is done, he keeps going, and Eddie just can’t help the fond smile that takes over his face. “One of those cakes with multiple flavors, so we don’t have to pick just one that satisfies everyone. The reception would probably have more people than were invited to the actual ceremony. Ooh, a live band. But then also a DJ for after the band is done so everyone can keep dancing and having fun all night.”
“That it?” Eddie asks, after Buck’s been quiet for a moment.
Buck nods. “But, at the end of the day, as long as I’m marrying the person I love, I’d be satisfied with anything.”
“Well, whether it’s exactly how you described or not, I’m excited to attend,” Eddie says, because he is the best friend in the world and is perfectly fine lying about this despite the fact that he knows Buck’s wedding day will be the worst day of his life.
---
When they get back, Buck and Abuela have a playful argument, since they both insist on making dinner before they decide to make something together. Buck makes more baked goods to distribute in the coming days.
They retire to their room fairly early that night, but neither of them is particularly tired, so Buck suggests they watch something, but all they have is a small laptop screen to share between the two of them.
As they sit side by side on the bed with the laptop perched between them, Eddie often enough finds himself leaning into Buck’s space to see properly. Eventually, Buck pauses it, picking the laptop up and moving it aside. He scoots closer to the center of the bed.
He pats the spot in between his legs and says, “Come here.”
And Eddie catches onto Buck’s thought process easily, but his heart still races. He sits between Buck’s legs and lets Buck sit the laptop on his lap. He leans back so his back rests against Buck’s chest and it’s… so nice. He forgets why they don’t do this always.
It takes some time, but they both relax a little more into it, rather than being completely stiff, and Eddie notices that Buck’s arms are a bit restless at his sides. And Eddie’s resigned to not be awkward about this. If they’re cuddling, they’re cuddling. He grabs Buck’s arms and crosses them to rest over his own waist. He hears Buck exhale, relaxing even more and resting his chin on Eddie’s shoulder. And Eddie’s forgotten what it’s like to just… exist with someone else. In fact, he’s not sure if he’s ever really been able to. To hold someone or to be held with such a tenderness.
One of Buck’s hands snakes up to brush through Eddie’s hair and Eddie lets out a contented hum, so Buck keeps doing it, just playing with Eddie’s hair. Meanwhile, Eddie’s hands are absent-mindedly fidgeting with the hand that’s still resting on his waist, drawing lines and pictures on Buck’s hand or just playing with his fingers.
And now that Eddie’s had this, he’s really not sure how he’s ever going to be able to go back to not knowing what this feels like. To seeing Buck at the firehouse during a slow shift and not being able to just crawl into his arms.
When they’re both yawning and no longer able to keep their eyes open for a sustained period of time, they know it’s time to sleep. Eddie is delighted to find, though, that they barely separate as Buck shuts the laptop and sets it to the side. As soon as they’re both laying back down, Buck’s wrapping his arms around Eddie again, so his chest is pressed to Eddie’s back.
The last two nights, they had done the song and dance of going to bed separated just to end up tangled up together in the morning, but Eddie’s glad that’s not how it is tonight. They had done this during quarantine, too, though it had taken a few weeks before they finally started going to sleep just as connected as they would inevitably end up in the morning.
And Eddie remembers how difficult it was to go back to sleeping alone after that. He dreads when he has to return to his cold, empty bed in his cold, empty house. But for now, he has the comfort of being held by the man that he loves as he drifts off into blissful darkness.