Chapter Text
It takes three weeks for the dust to finally settle. For the coverups to be finalised and funerals to be held.
The whole UPS came out to the funeral held for Neil Hargrove. Not because they were sorry he was dead or anything, but just to be there for Max and Billy. It had been… awkward. It was rude to speak ill of the dead but it's not like they had anything nice to say so mostly everyone was silent.
Or they were silent up until the priest started on the eulogy. They had the funeral at the church the Hargrove's had gone to every Sunday and apparently the priest was a family friend because he kept going on and on about what good people they were and how Neil was surely watching down on them from heaven. You know, the usual stuff they say at funerals on TV.
That part had been awkward and tense. Will could see Billy's face getting more and more red from across the aisle where he was sitting. Steve was right beside him and did his best to calm him down but then the priest started talking about what a ‘family man' Neil had been and Billy had lost it.
He'd shouted at the priest, called everything he was saying bullshit and stormed out of the church. Hopper had smoothing things over, explaining how everyone dealt with grief differently. Steve had just flipped off the priest when he started getting preachy on them about respecting the house of God and followed his boyfriend outside.
Not everything is back to normal. Eleven still doesn't have her powers back and Steve has a ringing in his ear that won't go away. But Max and Lucas and Mike and Eleven are both back together, as well as Steve and Billy who had apparently had a fake break up in solidarity with the girls also got back together.
That had been an adjustment. Now that the whole UPS was aware of the two's relationship, they hadn't been able to take their hands off each other.
Mike thought it was gross. Not the gay thing, he assured Will, but just because it was Steve and Billy specifically. “It's almost as bad as watching Steve and Nancy when they were dating.” But when he'd asked who was the Nancy in this scenario he'd just spluttered and walked away.
Personally, Will thought they were sweet. It was his first time seeing a gay couple in real life and the way they so clearly loved one another made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe the world wasn't such a terrible place after all…
That warm feeling is quickly bubbling over into hair pulling frustration at the moment though.
Will had been so excited at the idea of a big campaign with everyone in the UPS, including their newest member, Robin Buckley. Will had spent a whole weekend coming up with the perfect plan, something challenging enough for the seasoned players, but without too much lore and required background knowledge for the new players.
And now his campaign is laying in shambles at his feet.
It starts out fine! He puts them in a tavern in a small village near the Dark Forest. The bartender is asking for volunteers to help rescue the captured princess from the BBEG’s fortress in the woods.
They never even make it out of the village.
For one thing, it's too many players. 10 players is too long between action rounds and getting them all to agree on a plan is impossible. It doesn't help that some people are intentionally messing with other players.
Mike, Lucas and Dustin are obviously great players and doing everything the way they are supposed to. Solving puzzles and fighting monsters as Will throws them at them. They are playing as their usual characters, Lucas is a ranger, Mike a paladin and Dustin as a bard. It's a well rounded party that has served them all well. They aren't the problem.
Max has created a character named Zoomer the Barbarian who is a 6’7” half orc and who’s life mission is just to punch Mike's character in the face every turn. She takes every opportunity to sabotage him because “It's hilarious when he is just filled with impotent rage.”
Steve brings back Vie the Protector and is at least trying to help the plot along but keeps getting side tracked by every single child and animal they come across. Now, his entire inventory is just snacks and juice boxes to give his hord of adopted children.
Billiam the Charmer is also back and if they all thought that now his and Steve's relationship was out in the open, he would stop seducing every NPC they come across, they are sorely mistaken. Billiam continues his “man whore” ways and tries to sleep with everyone and then get in fights with their jilted spouses. His entire inventory is just knives.
“Aren't you going to stop him?” Cries Dustin as Will once again has to narrate Billiam taking a fair maiden by the hand and leading her away to a hayloft.
“Man, I don't get upset when he hits on girls in real life, why do you think I'm going to stop him with imaginary girls?” Steve chuckles back.
“Suck it nerds,” Billy cackles and then goes on to describe himself kissing along the elf girl's neck while making direct eye contact with Steve.
The worst part is, Steve seems weirdly into it. Gross.
Robin’s character throws everyone for a loop. She introduces herself as either Robin, Lobin or Fobin depending on when she meets a new NPC and doesn't listen when anyone corrects her. She also spends the whole time trying to get the NPCs to invest in her pyramid schemes.
“Did you know,” she asks, leaning close like she's telling a secret, “that for the low price of just five gold pieces, you can be your own boss?”
The name mystery is solved when an ogre attacks the village that they still haven't left yet and when Robin's character is knocked down it's revealed that she is not in fact a human bard but actually three kobalts in a trench coat. Will is this close to just ripping his notes up and eating them.
Jonathan is his brother and he loves him. He was thrilled when he decided to follow in Will's footsteps and also play a wizard. But he is absolutely no help at all. He wanders off in his first turn and just starts casting protection runes in a circle around the village and refuses to interact with anyone. The guys dub him Jonathan the Hermit and mostly leave him to it.
Nancy is a sorcerer and is the only helpful new addition to the group. Aries the Destroyer is perfect. She has a fleshed out backstory, she rolls well for perception checks and is the only one who seems to care that the princess is missing. She is also the only one to read the players manual before starting and levels up exponentially. She quickly figures out how to multi class for maximum firepower and she always finds the best loot.
El decides to play a druid named Snowball but then she spends the whole time wildshaped as a cat and just goes around asking villagers for belly rubs. When a combat situation arises, she likes to ride on Dustin's shoulder and slash her nails at anything that gets too close.
The campaign is off the rails from the first session and Will isn't even trying to reign them in by the second. They just drive a small village into madness with the occasional random encounter monster battle when things start to seem like they are getting boring.
For the final session, everyone is tired of Billiams disgusting antics and decide the only solution is to hold a shotgun wedding and marry him off.
“The sun shines down on the clearing as doves fly across the sky. The air is filled with the scent of honey and flowers. As the band begins the wedding march, Billiam the Charmer can be seen entering the clearing on Aries the Destroyer’s arm.
“‘All rise!’ Calls the minister from the head of the aisle where Vie the Protector awaits her love, Robin, Lobin, and Fobin arrayed beside her, flower crowns perched on all four of their heads.”
“I cast persuasion on Aries the Destroyer to convince her to let me go.” Calls Billy from his seat at the table.
“Give me a D20.”
“It's an 11 but I have a 4 modifier!” Billy exclaims, jumping up, “beat that Nancy!”
“I use the Amulet of Funkoff to negate his modifier,” Nancy responds then rolls her own D20. “It's an 8, but I have a 2 modifier on intelligence and a 3 from the Ring of Enlightenment.”
“Billiam’s attempts to convince Aries that this is a mistake fall on deaf ears as she continues to guide him down the aisle. She reaches the end where she bows to the minister before taking her place in the audience.”
“I cast immobilize on Billiam.” Says Jonathan before Billy can open his mouth and then proceeds to roll an 18.
“Billiam is frozen for two turns.”
Will affects the same wheezing tone he uses for all priests in the game.
“‘Dearly beloved! We are gathered here today to witness the union of Vie the Protector and Billiam the Charmer. Marriage is the union of two souls. A promise to love one another for all of your days. It is a contract between two adventurers, to always revive one another, to accept each other for who you are, and to always share your loot.’”
“Are you crying right now Jonathan?” Scoffs Max when she notices his sniffling a little.
“Shut up, I always cry at weddings.” He tries to defend himself while Nancy just hands him a tissue.
“This is a fake wedding! With imaginary people!” Robin laughs from across the table.
“I think it's nice.” Eleven smiles beautifically around the table.
“Okay okay!” Will tries to get them all back on track, “Vie and Billiam, would you take each other's hands?”
“Thought I was frozen?”
“I reach out and take Billiam's frozen hands.” Steve rolls his eyes.
There is a moment of silence as everyone looks at the couple expectantly.
“Oh, you mean for real.” Steve offers his hands palm up across the table and with a shit eating grin, Billy takes them in his.
“Don't go getting any ideas Harrington. I'm here under duress and this is still illegal in the state of Indiana.” Billy teased.
“‘Vie the Protector, do you take Billiam the Charmer as your game-fully wedding spouse? To have and to hold, in peace time and in combat, for richer or for poorer, as long as you both shall exist in the narrative?’”
“I do,” and wow, Will knows this is just a game, and they are both just role playing, but there is no mistaking the love in both of their eyes.
“‘And you, Billiam the Charmer, do you take Vie the Protector as your game-fully wedding spouse? To have and to hold, in peace time and in combat, for richer or for poorer, as long as you both shall exist in the narrative?’”
“I draw my sword and wave it threateningly at Billiam!” Mike pipes up and rolls for intimidation. “That's a 6!”
“I do the same with my dagger!” Dustin adds, “it's an 8.”
“Billiam is unaffected by either of your posturing and Jonathan’s immobilization spell has worn off.”
The group holds their breath as all eyes fall to Billy, but he hasn't taken his own eyes off Steve the whole time.
“I do.” Will’s eyes widen, both at the fact Billy is playing along and also at the small blush that's painting his cheeks.
“‘I now pronounce you married, you may now kiss!’”
The party cheers as the two lean over the table for a quick kiss but when Steve moves to pull back, Billy catches him by the collar. “I scoop Vie the Protector into my loving arms and run away with her into the woods.”
“Ok, you do that?” Will agrees, already not liking the look on Billy's face.
“I press her up against a tree and run my tongue up the side of her -.”
“No!”
“Billy!!”
“PLEASE STOP!”
“Not again…”
Billy presses another kiss to Steve's laughing lips before letting him go and grinning at the assembled teenagers. “Yeah, you really should have seen that coming. This is about to get a whole lot sexier.”
Will just thunks his head down on the table. He's right. They should have seen that coming
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