Archive of Our Own ^beta

(Simon’s POV)

It was five days after Josh’s relapse that Simon got the text from Tobi, on a rainy, miserable, Sunday morning after another night filled with broken sleep and Talia’s gentle murmurs of comfort when he found himself ruminating in a cold sweat once more, his memories and his fears twisting themselves into something terrible, rotting away before his very eyes, crumbling to dust, and slipping between his fingers which had lost their grip.

Tobi: Behz and I need to talk to you about something.

Simon: Is everything okay?

Tobi: It’s easier to explain in person – are you able to pop round mine at any point today? Behz is already here. No worries if you’re busy right now.

Simon: I’m on my way.

And Simon… Simon was perplexed, if not fearful. He didn’t have to worry about Josh today, that much was for certain. Vik and Harry had decided on taking him somewhere on some ‘grand adventure, Simon!’ as Harry had so eloquently put it yesterday when the Guernsey lad had called Simon, ‘just to check in,’ Harry had also said.

Simon loved his friends. He truly did. They’d never been more attentive to each other, and he was glad for it, he was; but he also understood Josh’s frustrations with the constant checking in nonsense. It was enough to drive any sane person mad.

A wave of guilt washed over him – guilty for feeling glad that someone else was with Josh, guilty for feeling glad that he didn’t have to, for use of a better term, ‘deal’ with all of that today.

After brushing his teeth, a tad too aggressive, so much so that he spat pink foam into the sink, Simon scowled at himself in the mirror.

Your best friend tried to kill himself. He relapsed. Stop being so selfish and making it all about you.

But, I’m hurting too. I’m allowed to hurt from this too.

Shaking his head, Simon hopped in the shower, freezing cold in an attempt to snap himself out of his funk (Something JJ had raged on about being effective more than once), before he got dressed and went down to the kitchen. Talia was already there, rummaging through the cupboards, Lilo gnawing away on Talia’s slipper.

‘Hey,’ Simon scolded the dog, a small smile on his face when the dog’s ears perked up at the sound of his voice. ‘Outside, you little rat.’ He pointed once to the open door, and Lilo went out without so much as a fuss.

‘Huh,’ Talia said, grinning. ‘So she does listen to you, then.’

‘It’s been known to happen here and there,’ he said. He walked over and greeted her properly with a kiss. ‘Morning,’ he muttered.

‘Morning yourself,’ Talia said quietly, a peck on his lips in return. She cast her eyes over his entirety. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Better, I suppose,’ Simon said, mulling it over. ‘I, uh, I need to go and see Behz and Tobi. Apparently they need to talk to me about something.’

Talia nodded, her kind eyes open, searching Simon. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Did they say what it was about?’

‘No,’ Simon said. ‘I’m… I’m scared it’s something serious.’

Tala’s face scrunched up in that sympathetic way of hers and she pulled him in for a hug, leaning on her tip toes to kiss Simon’s cheek. ‘You’ll be okay,’ she said. ‘For all we know, it could be something filming related.’

‘Yeah,’ Simon said, struggling to get his mouth to move. ‘Yeah, you’re right.’

He wasn’t convinced. Had it been about filming, Tobi would have simply put the message in the group chat where everyone could see it. He would never seek out Simon like he had done if it wasn’t something important… if it wasn’t something he didn’t want the others to know about.

A little distracted, Simon kissed his wife on the lips once more before he said goodbye, making the drive over to Tobi’s flat in silence, mulling over every reason why Tobi wanted to talk to him in private.

Is Tobi okay? Is… is Behz okay? What’s happened? What’s gone wrong?

Then Simon remembered. He remembered how he’d found Ethan, Tobi and Josh on the sofa that day, sad and withdrawn, heartbroken, blatantly obvious that some, if not all of them, had been crying at some point beforehand.

It broke his heart to see his friends’ cry.

My heart breaks even more when I know there’s nothing I can do to fix it.

He’d managed to somewhat gather himself by the time he pulled up in the street outside Tobi’s flat. Slipping his phone into his pocket, Simon locked his car and walked up the many flights of stairs, cursing Tobi for living so high up – not for the first time. As requested years ago by Tobi himself, Simon let himself in to his friends flat and took his shoes off, shutting the front door behind him.

‘Boys?’ Simon called.

‘We’re in the kitchen!’ Tobi called back.

Swallowing sharply, swallowing memories that threatened to overwhelm him, Simon walked through the flat… to find Tobi and Ethan sat at the kitchen table, looking saddened by something, looking tired, looking almost as tired as me. Fuck.

He stopped just before the table, glancing from one man to the other. ‘What’s going on?’

Ethan and Tobi shared a glance, having a silent conversation that Simon wasn’t in on. Ethan bit his lip, anger evident in his eyes, and the deep lines on his face made the anger rabid. Tobi… Tobi looked like someone had pulled a rug out from beneath him, looked like he was still falling from whatever height he had fallen from.

‘Boys?’ Simon asked again. ‘You’re scaring me a little bit here,’ he tried to joke, tried to ignore the way his heart slowly shrivelled up inside of him, centimetre by centimetre.

Tobi gestured for Simon to sit down.

He went without complaint, taking the seat beside Tobi, and stared at his friend intently. ‘Tobi,’ Simon said. ‘Talk to me.’

Why aren’t you saying anything? Why aren’t you talking to me?

Why aren’t you telling me what’s wrong?

‘It’s about Josh,’ Tobi said carefully. Finally. ‘Well, moreso about his mum, but…’

Tobi’s voice broke.

Ethan shuddered, his lips drawing into a thin line.

Simon’s stomach flipped horribly in his chest, sinking down, down, down.

‘Has something happened to her? To his mum?’

God, he hadn’t spoken to Josh’s mum in weeks. He kept trying to remind himself to reach out, to keep her updated on Josh’s progress, to check in. Fuck, he hoped she was okay – was that why she hadn’t reached out herself lately? Because something had happened to her?

Oh God, don’t say something has happened to her too. I don’t think I could bare it.

Next to Tobi, Ethan grew angrier by the second; angrier even than when the whole of the internet was insulting him, and by extension, his new family. As for Tobi? Tobi got impossibly sadder, his shoulders lowering, like an invisible weight was pressing down on him.

‘Tobi,’ Simon implored, his voice catching in his throat. ‘Please.’ And when Tobi looked up once more, Simon was shocked, if not horrified, to find tears filling his friends’ eyes.

‘Josh was… he was neglected,’ Tobi began shakily, tentatively, like a newborn giraffe taking its first steps. ‘By both of his parents. His mum and his dad. For his whole life.’

As a kid, Simon had loved learning about space, and the planets, and the entire solar system. To Simon’s innocent soul, the universe was simply a concept, an exciting thing that inspired Simon to explore the world and to appreciate life as he knew it. He grew infatuated with the stars and the galaxies, and he was left in awe when his primary school teacher had explained the concept of a black hole to him.

Yet, as he’d grown up, he realised it was all a lie. Space, and the black hole itself, was a whole lot of nothing. He’d read reports of astronauts who had been in space for a long period of time, read stories of astronauts that the Earth could never bring home, that humanity could never save – they wrote about how space was cold and lonely and so fucking far away from every thing and every one they had ever known.

Simon’s soul had been wandering that same, distant void ever since he had found Josh on his bathroom floor, and at Tobi’s revelation, he felt his soul, and his entire existence, come hurtling back into the atmosphere. It slammed back down to Earth so hard it could have kickstarted a category 4 hurricane at the sheer velocity it had travelled at to get there.

As it was, his breath stuttered, his lungs froze over, and his heart clenched painfully in the rotting void inside his chest. ‘What?’

‘He wasn’t neglected, Tobi, he was fucking abused,’ Ethan ground out, speaking for the first time since Simon had arrived, slamming his fist on Tobi’s table top. ‘Fucking child neglect. Fucking… fucking child abuse.’

Simon’s head spun, as if, despite his soul having returned to Earth, a piece of him was still lost in space, where it would forever spin in the cold and empty nothingness that resided there. ‘I don’t understand,’ Simon said numbly, trying to take in what they were telling him.

‘They fucking abused him!’ Ethan roared. ‘It’s why he… it’s why…’ The younger man, always so quick to anger, deflated in an instant, misery spreading like a virus across his face. Tobi was quick to comfort him (Tobi was always fucking quick to comfort everyone), wrapping an arm around Ethan’s shoulders and holding him closer, a pillar of support. ‘It’s okay, Behz. Josh is safe now.’

Simon watched in silence, feeling both too close, and also like he was too far away – millions of miles too far away.

Tobi settled his gaze on Simon, looking far more lost than Simon had ever seen him look. ‘It’s why he’s the way he is,’ Tobi finished when Ethan didn’t continue. ‘We think. I mean, can you blame him? Can you blame Josh?’

Never. I never blamed him. Even when I didn’t know what was happening I didn’t blame him.

Between the two of them, Ethan and Tobi told Simon of their visit to see Josh’s mum, they told Simon a brief overview of what Josh had let slip to them (‘I won’t go into detail, Si. I won’t betray Josh’s trust like that,’ Ethan had said, apologetically, yet also volatile, like he had been waiting for Simon to argue, yet when Simon accepted it and told them to continue, they did so without hesitation), and they told Simon about what Josh’s mum had said as they left.

And Simon… Simon felt betrayed, felt like the scaffolding of his entire existence was crumbling to the floor because the world was shaking so fucking much.

Or maybe it was just Simon himself that was shaking – out of guilt, disbelief, or anger, Simon didn’t know. Perhaps it was all three, intertwined with mangled fingers and twisted bones like a dark spell gone wrong.

He remembered how upset Josh had been after Tobi and Ethan had talked to him that day, before Simon had showed up. He remembered how Josh had fucking cut himself in the aftermath.

No fucking wonder, Simon thought bitterly. It probably brought everything back up again. It probably brought those memories forward again.

No wonder he didn’t want to see his parents. No wonder he was angry when he realised his parents were at the hospital. No… no wonder he still doesn’t want to see them now.

Simon clenched his fists. When was the last time his mum reached out to me? Is… is that why she never reached out in the first place? Because she just didn’t care?

His blood roared like thunder in his ears. But she did care, didn’t she? She came to the hospital when I called her. She came straight away, his dad too. They stayed at the hospital. They cared. They care.

They care?

Did they ever care?

It can’t be true.

It can’t be.

Yet… yet after everything Simon had learned about Josh these last few months, it fit the bill. It made sense. It made sense why Josh cared so much about his friends but never really cared about himself.

Because his parents never really cared about him.

I do. I care about him. I care about him a lot.

‘I know it’s a lot,’ Tobi said quietly, drawing Simon from his thoughts. ‘I know it’s a lot to take in, a lot to process.’

That was the understatement of the century. ‘I had no idea,’ Simon mumbled, his heart decaying behind his ribcage, layers of deadness peeling back, one, rotted layer at a time. ‘How could I have not known? How… how didn’t I see?’

‘I’ve known him for nineteen years, mate, and even I didn’t know the true extent,’ Tobi said in a self-depreciating tone. Beside him, still tucked under Tobi’s arm, Ethan cried, quiet sniffles that tugged all of Simon’s strings taut.

It’s true. It’s really true.

Josh… oh Josh, mate. Why did you never say anything?

He thought about how she never reached out, how she only texted Simon if Simon texted her first. She never made the first move, so to speak, even though it was her kid in the hospital, her kid who had tried to kill himself. He thought about how he hadn’t heard from her in a while.

The radio silence on her end told Simon all he needed to know, and practically confirmed everything Ethan and Tobi had just told him; Josh’s mum never really cared all that much about her son in the first place. She had been using Simon, and Josh was just a thing.

She never cared. If… if I hadn’t called her, would she have ever known? Would she have even come?

Every time Simon had spoken with Josh’s mum since, he’d always marvelled at her strength, at her will, because she always seemed so put together – Simon saw now that it wasn’t strength, or will, that kept her going. It was sheer avoidance, and a severe lack of care. The phone calls were never longer than a few minutes, and her text messages were straight to the point. She never seemed to ask after Josh, instead, ‘How long do you think it’s going to take?’ Almost like… almost like she was bored of it all, like she had something more important to do, and now that Simon thought about it, he hadn’t seen the woman in person since the hospital.

That had been months ago.

And she never made an effort to come over, to visit, even if Josh didn’t want to see her.

Simon though that, if it was his kid, he’d come over regardless. If it was his kid, he’d fucking stay regardless. He’d fucking be there. Regardless.

And Simon had brushed her behaviour off because he never thought she could be capable of such harshness, because he never thought she could be capable of hurting her only son, her only child.

He thought of Josh’s dad next; the man was stern and quiet, and always quick to aggression. Simon wondered if Josh’s dad had ever laid a hand on him. He wondered how far, how deep inside of Josh that his father’s aggression had reached.

He’s been carrying that around with him long before I ever met him.

No wonder. No fucking wonder.

He thought he was alone.

He thought he didn’t matter because, growing up, all he was shown was that he didn’t.

A low moan slipped from his lips, despondent and afraid, ashamed.

He’d failed Josh again by not noticing. He’d failed Josh again because he didn’t know, because he didn’t realise, because he didn’t put two and two fucking together despite the answer being right there in front of him.

Standing abruptly, so abruptly Tobi’s kitchen chair toppled sideways, Simon grabbed one of the mugs hanging from Tobi’s mug tree and launched it at the hard floor with a shout, anger flowing up and down his body like lava.

If his friends had made a noise at his display of rage, Simon didn’t hear it, too lost in the fury that steered him, like a ship with a captain who’s destination was over a cliff and blown to smithereens at the bottom of the deepest ocean.

He didn’t even feel guilty for breaking Tobi’ property.

Why didn’t he feel guilty for breaking something he had no right to break?

Because I feel too fucking sad.

Because I feel… because I feel too fucking sad.

So Simon stood there, breathing heavily, and zoned out once more; he remembered the sound of the vase shattering on the other end of the phone when he’d called Josh’s months ago, the morning after Josh had fucked up the Sidemen shoot; he remembered how weird Josh had been during that particular phone call; he remembered finding Josh on his bathroom floor surrounded by blood and red wine and little, blue pills, pale and half dead and he would have been dead if I never went and found him and –

And –

And Simon had been alone.

Simon had fought with Josh alone.

Simon had shoved his fingers down Josh’s throat in an attempt to save his life.

Simon had pinned Josh to the bed in the back of the ambulance when he fought the paramedics, wine and bile dripping from his lips, down his chin, and staining his clothes red.

It was horrifying to see someone I love that stripped back and desperate, so desperate that they’d rather attack themselves and cause themselves pain than be alive.

A hand on Simon’s shoulder startled him.

‘Simon?’ Tobi asked, worried. ‘Simon, are you okay?’

In front of him, pieces of the broken mug littered the kitchen floor in all shapes and sizes, another mess, another fucking mess Simon had made because he hadn’t used his head enough.

And Simon remembered something he’d never told anyone.

‘I cleaned it up,’ he whispered, zoning back in, zoning back out, remembering, remembering, I’m never going to fucking forget it. Never, for as long as I live.

‘Huh?’ Tobi questioned. He stepped in front of Simon, right into his field of view, peering deep into his eyes.

Simon couldn’t bring himself to look away. ‘The mess. I cleaned it up.’

Ethan joined them then, a hand on Simon’s side, his eyes red-rimmed, but worried. Worried for me. ‘What… what mess, mate?’

Simon couldn’t stop shaking. ‘In Josh’s bathroom. Before you all got there.’

‘Wait, what?’ Ethan asked, incredulous, sharing a horrified look with Tobi.

‘The mess in his bathroom – the wine, the pills, the, the… the fucking blood. I cleaned it up before you got here. Before, before the jet landed,’ he stuttered, looking into Tobi’s eyes, looking through them, through him, before he focused once more.

‘Simon,’ Tobi said brokenly. ‘We all assumed you hired a cleaner. We… we didn’t know it was you.’

‘I cleaned it up,’ Simon repeated. ‘His blood, on my hands.’ Simon shuddered, shutting down once more, walking back, away from his friends, away from the broken mug on Tobi’s kitchen floor, another fucking mess I have to clean up. ‘His fucking blood, on my fucking hands.’

When Simon’s knees buckled, Ethan and Tobi were quick to catch him, lowering him to the floor, and stayed with him, holding him, reassuring him with quiet words that Simon didn’t catch and tender touches that were both too much and not enough.

They kept him company while Simon broke down.

They kept him company while Simon fell apart like the mug he’d launched at the kitchen floor.

‘You’ve been so strong, Simon,’ Tobi told him softly. ‘So strong when you didn’t need to be.’

‘We’re here now,’ Ethan said. ‘We’re here, and we’re with you.’

‘I can’t sleep,’ Simon sobbed, holding on tight, one hand fisted into Tobi’s shirt, and his other twisted like coils of barbed wire into Ethan’s jumper. ‘I can’t fucking sleep without seeing it. Without… without seeing him.’

‘You’ve been dealing with this ever since, haven’t you?’ Tobi said sadly.

‘I can’t sleep,’ Simon repeated, his chest feeling tight, his lungs feeling like they were ready to explode, his heart still rotting, the layers peeling, all fuzzy and sour like gone off fruit.

‘It’s okay, Si,’ Ethan soothed. He had a hand rubbing small circles against Simon’s back which he subconsciously leaned into. ‘You’re with us. You’re… you’re safe.’

Josh wasn’t. He never was. Not until… not until he met us.

Simon held on tight, his head bowed between Ethan and Tobi’s chest, taking all the comfort and reassurance he could get his trembling hands on, even if he didn’t truly deserve it.

And he cried.

Oh, he cried.

Josh… Josh.

Why did you never say anything?

For fucks sake, why didn’t you ever tell me?

***

It took an embarrassingly long time for Simon to pull himself together.

Despite Ethan’s and Tobi’s reassurances of, ‘you don’t have to be strong right now, Simon. You can let yourself fall apart if that’s what you need, for however long you want. We’re not going anywhere,’ Simon didn’t want to take more than he was allowed.

He didn’t want to take more than he thought he deserved, so after as long as he dared, Simon brushed his friends hands off before he shakily climbed to his feet. Ethan and Tobi rose with him, their hands out, their faces imbued with worry.

‘I’m fine,’ Simon said hoarsely. He gently pushed his way through them and made a beeline for the cupboard beneath Tobi’s sink. With his hands still trembling, with his knees still shaking, he grabbed the dustpan and brush with the intention to clean the mess he’d made on Tobi’s kitchen floor.

It was wrestled from his hands by Ethan, a strange look on the younger man’s face.

‘Go and sit down, Si,’ Ethan said softly. ‘I got this. Let me do this for you.’

Simon bristled. ‘I don’t –‘ Tobi guided him into the sitting room before Simon could even get a word in, forcing him down onto the sofa with a firm push.

‘Rest for a bit,’ Tobi said, not unkindly. ‘I think you need it, mate.’

‘I don’t need you two to take care of me,’ he said quietly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Christ, this is how Josh feels, isn’t it? This is how Josh has felt the whole time, isn’t it? No wonder he fucking hated us at the start. No… no wonder he didn’t want to see us immediately after. No wonder he lashes out at us sometimes.

No fucking wonder.

With that in mind, Simon let his shoulders drop, and he let out a long breath.

‘Good,’ Tobi said. He paused, as if he wasn’t sure how to go about something. He set his jaw a few moments later. ‘I’m not comfortable with you driving home just yet. I’m gonna call Talia and tell her you’re staying here for the day – we’ll… we’ll see how you are tonight, otherwise you’re staying the night too.’

Simon barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. ‘I’m fine, Tobi,’ he said. ‘Really.’

‘You’re not,’ Tobi said carefully. ‘And… and I don’t think you have been for a while.’

Simon didn’t have it in to argue. God, he was exhausted. So fucking exhausted that if he so much as closed his eyes he’d fall asleep.

Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Sighing heavily, Simon curled up at the end of Tobi’s sofa. He stared at the carpeted floor, lost in thought. His eyes fell shut.

‘Rest,’ Tobi reminded him.

He reminds me of Josh. He’s always worrying about everyone else. He’s always the first person to combat someone’s sadness.

Who… who worries about him? Who worries about Tobi?

Simon didn’t remember falling asleep, or, more strangely, he didn’t remember falling asleep so easily. He’d been breathing with his eyes shut, curled up on the sofa where Tobi had left him. He’d heard Tobi’s voice, and then Ethan’s, quietly conversing in the background, somewhere that wasn’t next to Simon. Something soft had been draped over him. A gentle hand had rested atop his head, and another on his shoulder, the pads of someone’s fingers squeezing. The touch alone was enough to get Simon to relax fully, to release the breath that had been trapped inside his lungs since he’d found Josh on his bathroom floor. He sunk deeper into the sofa, lulled into a trancelike state, lulled into a peaceful calm…

He jolted awake sometime later, the TV on low, struggling to match pace with the way his heart contracted over and over, painfully so.

Josh is okay. He’s… he’s okay. He’s with Harry and Vik. They’ll… they’ll keep him safe. And then JJ. JJ’s staying with him tonight. They’ll all keep him safe.

Looking around blearily with foggy sleep in his eyes, he found Ethan sat on the sofa opposite, watching him with curious eyes; curious, but sad. Concerned. Worried.

It’s not me you need to be worried about. No one needs to worry about me. I’m not the one that’s a danger to myself.

The thought alone was enough for bile to rise to the back of his throat. He swallowed it down desperately. No. He would not make a scene. He wouldn’t worry his friends any more than he already had done.

‘Okay?’ Ethan asked cautiously, his body tense, like he was ready to leap to his feet and into action at a moment’s notice.

‘Y-yeah,’ Simon said, his voice cracking. He scowled at the way his body betrayed him so openly.

Ethan gave him a disbelieving look, somehow managing to refrain from commenting on the obvious. ‘We’re having a sleepover tonight, all three of us,’ Ethan said. ‘Tobi’s already spoken to Talia – neither of them liked the idea of you driving home in the state you’re in, and neither do I.’

‘And what state would that be?’ Simon asked scathingly, his frown deepening.

‘Distracted. Exhausted.’ Ethan paused, flexing his hand a few times. ‘Grieving.’

It was too much. It was always too much even when it wasn’t. Simon looked away, pulling the blanket closer to his chest and laid his head back down. He shut his eyes, not able to bear looking Ethan in the eye for a second longer.

‘Comfy over there, are you?’ His friend called softly. Simon didn’t need eyes to know that Ethan was smiling.

‘Something like that,’ he mumbled into the pillow.

Yeah, Simon fell asleep again. Sue him. Sue him for all the money he had, and when he had nothing left but the torn clothes on his back and a bleeding heart, sue him again. I wasn’t observant enough. The truth was right there in front of me and I didn’t see it. The truth was right fucking there and I was too blinded by my own pain to notice it.

When he awoke the second time, the sitting room lights were on low. Sprawled out on the other sofa was Ethan, his legs tangled with a blanket and his fists clutching a pillow to his chest. On the floor lay Tobi, curled up atop a bed of pillows and blankets, looking so much like a dog obediently sleeping in its bed, guarding its owners and waiting for its next command.

Simon squeezed his eyes shut against the onslaught of tears that filled his eyes.

He loved his friends. God, he adored them with all of his heart, adored them so much that the notion of fondness wasn’t enough to describe how deep his love for them ran. Tears ran freely down his cheeks, although it wasn’t a desperate cry this time – but a relieved one, and one born from the intensity of his love.

Taking a chance, Simon slowly sat up and got to his feet, pulling his blanket with him. He tiptoed over and laid on the floor beside Tobi, as close as he dared. The man stirred a little with a quiet noise, and when he saw Simon there must have been something terribly devastating written on his face because Tobi simply wrapped his arms around Simon’s middle and held him close.

His tears continued to fall. He sniffled into his hand, feeling hollow and not at all human. I’m trying. I’m trying to be human.

‘You crying?’ Tobi murmured.

‘Yeah,’ Simon said. ‘Not sad, though. I promise.’

‘Okay,’ Tobi said. ‘Good.’

‘I’m sorry about the mug.’

‘Don’t be.’

And when Simon woke up AGAIN, Ethan was attached to his other side, his face smushed into the divots of Simon’s spine, all three of them wrapped up and around each other on Tobi’s living room floor.

It was the best night’s sleep Simon had gotten in months.

***

The next time Simon saw Josh was Wednesday afternoon, three days after Tobi and Ethan talked to him and spilled the ugly truth that was Josh’s childhood.

Three, very long days in which Simon tried to come to terms with the new information.

Abuse. Neglect. Completely and utterly alone for his whole life.

As they had no Sidemen shoots scheduled in that time (‘I think we could all use a break, no?’ JJ had implored at another meeting), Simon spent all of his time at home with Talia and the dogs, and on the first day, he couldn’t find it in himself to leave the bed. Talia, bless her, didn’t demand answers; she knew it had something to do with Josh that he wasn’t allowed to say, or rather, it had something to do with Josh that he couldn’t bring himself to articulate out loud because the truth was too horrible and too terrible than he’d ever realised.

‘Tobi didn’t tell me what happened,’ Talia said when Simon finally came home after the sleepover. ‘He said he couldn’t, that he wasn’t allowed – but he said you were hurting a lot.’

Simon rested his head on her shoulder for a moment, gathering his thoughts. ‘It’s about Josh,’ Simon managed to say, his voice hoarse and weak, and when he managed to find the strength to lift his head, Talia had tears in her eyes.

‘Does he ever get a break?’

He shook his head sadly. ‘I don’t think he ever got one until now.’

So yeah, fast forward to today. Simon pulled up in Josh’s driveway moments before Vik did, Josh talking animatedly in the passenger seat. ‘Hello, boys,’ Simon greeted. He hugged Vik before he moved to hug Josh, pressing his lips to the man’s forehead when he became overwhelmed by the sheer sorrow that filled his body whenever he so much as thought about Josh, let alone saw him.

I don’t know how I’m going to live, knowing what I know now. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be cope with it.

But… isn’t that how Josh has felt this whole time too? Not knowing how to cope with what he’d done? Not knowing how to cope now that people know?

They broke apart and Simon rolled his shoulders once, twice, to try to relieve some of the tension, and Josh was… he was happy. There was light in his eyes, a light that Simon never remembered seeing, even before. Josh was happy despite the relapse, despite fucking everything. He’s happier than ever before, but how? How can he be so happy after what’s been done to him… after what he’s done to himself?

Vik cleared his throat, tearing Simon from his thoughts. ‘I’d love to stay and chat but I have to take Ralph to the vets,’ he said regretfully.

‘Is Ralph okay?’ Simon asked, suddenly realising that he never checked in with him after Ralphs sudden turn a while ago. Christ, he truly was a terrible friend, wasn’t he?

‘Yeah, he’s all good,’ Vik said. ‘The vet just wanted to do weekly check ups for a while just in case.’

‘Okay,’ Simon said. ‘I’m glad he’s okay.’

‘Me too,’ Vik said, a sort-of relieved smile on his face. ‘He might be a bit of a crackhead, but he’s my best friend, you know?’ He turned to Josh, batting the man’s arm gently. ‘I am sorry I can’t stay, though.’

‘Don’t worry about it,’ Josh said. Then he chuckled. ‘It might be an idea to get a change of clothes before you head to the vets, though.’

It was here that Simon realised both of them were plastered in mud. Like, from ankle to almost waist height. ‘What on Earth have the two of you been up to?’ Simon spluttered out, incredulous.

Josh and Vik shared a playful look. ‘Well,’ Josh began, ‘it turns out that the footpath we were walking along wasn’t exactly a footpath, more of a… stream.’

‘A muddy stream,’ Vik helpfully supplied. ‘At one point I thought we were going to have to swim for the other bank.’

‘And I almost lost my boot in the mud,’ Josh added.

Simon rolled his eyes, and despite the lingering sadness and sorrow, he smiled. ‘You guys are hopeless, you know that?’

Josh suddenly broke out into a rather shit rendition of ‘hopelessly devoted to you’ which Vik joined in with, before the younger man started to laugh at the absurdity of what they were doing. ‘We had a Grease singalong earlier,’ Vik explained. ‘I don’t know why. One thing led to another and suddenly we were waist deep in muddy water singing.’

‘In any case, I’m glad you had fun,’ Simon grinned. Without thinking, he reached out for Josh’s curls and ruffled them lightly. ‘Fucking hell, mate, you’ve got sticks and shit in your hair. Come here.’

Josh came over willingly and ducked his head a little, still laughing, while Simon picked out sticks and leaves and is that a fucking pinecone in his hair? ‘The fuck is this doing in there?’ Simon asked with a laugh.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Josh said. ‘We took turns throwing things at each other too.’

‘Honestly, you guys…’ Simon trailed off. He ruffled Josh’s hair once more before he dropped his hand. The sadness came right back, so hard and so fast that Simon almost fell to his knees.

Keep it together, Simon. Keep it fucking together.

‘Right, I have to go,’ Vik said again. ‘I’ll see you all soon.’

‘Okay, mate,’ Simon said. ‘Good luck.’

Vik drove off, waving as he went. Simon and Josh waved after him.

‘So,’ Josh said, turning to face Simon. ‘What are we doing?’

‘You’re going to have a shower,’ Simon said, looking Josh up and down again. ‘And you’re going to get changed.’

‘Yes, mum,’ Josh said playfully, a cheeky grin aimed at Simon. He dashed inside and up the stairs.

Simon’s entire face dropped.

Fuck. I can’t do this. I can’t pretend I don’t know.

How is he happy? I don’t understand how he’s happy right now.

All Simon knew was that he had to talk to Josh. He had to tell Josh that he knew. He had to, and he just knew it was going to ruin Josh’s good mood, his good mood that Simon was already mourning. He just… he didn’t want to upset Josh anymore.

Josh has been upset enough for one lifetime, and I hope that, in his next life, he’s treated with all the love and care he ever wanted.

***

When Josh walked back downstairs a short time later in clean clothes, freshly showered, Simon schooled his features. He’d been thinking of all the ways he could explain to Josh, thinking of all the ways he could tell Josh, but he had so far come up short on the execution.

On another level, a deeper level that Simon didn’t even know existed until now, he didn’t know what to do with the information now that he had it, and he hated Tobi and Ethan, in that moment. He hated them for telling him.

He didn’t hate them, though. Not really. He didn’t. He just… Simon couldn’t bear the thought that he’d been hurting Josh all this time, even if he didn’t know it.

It hurt more that Josh felt he couldn’t tell Simon to stop.

They were friends, weren’t they?

Why didn’t you ask me to stop, Josh? Why didn’t you ask me to stop talking to your mum?

‘So, mum,’ Josh began. Simon barely managed to hide his flinch. ‘Am I clean enough for your liking?’ He did a twirl in front of the sofa, a lazy smile tugging on his lips; he wore a new fluffy jumper, a green one, and a pair of brown slacks.

‘Definitely so,’ Simon said, playing along, still unsure of how to proceed with the conversation he knew they needed to have. ‘You look like a tree.’

Josh burst out into laughter, and Simon heart clenched.

How could anyone dislike him? How could anyone choose to not love him? It… it’s so easy to love Josh, and I can’t comprehend how his own parents didn’t.

Josh sat down on the sofa with a happy sigh, his eyes still bright, his eyes still fucking happy.

He’s… he’s like Harry. He’s so much like Harry, and if Josh had been like this the entire time, if nothing bad had happened to him, I would have guessed that they were related in some way, that Harry was the little brother Josh had always wanted.

‘Other than your impromptu swim, how was your walk?’ Simon asked him, wanting Josh to talk, wanting Josh to always talk and to never stop talking. If Josh talked, then everything was okay because a talking Josh was a happy Josh, and a happy Josh meant that he’d never try to ki –

‘We saw a Kingfisher by the river,’ Josh said. ‘And we found deer tracks in the mud.’

‘What else?’

And so Josh talked endlessly about their walk, about Vik, about how much Josh adored the younger man, and Simon’s heart swelled with pride for his friend, swelled in pride because Josh had picked himself back up again (even if, in the long run, Simon was terrified that the relapse had put a permanent halt on his progress).

‘He has such a lovely smile, you know?’ Josh continued, fiddling with the rings on his fingers. ‘The warmth of it fills a room. I… I used to yearn for it. He smiles like it’s so easy and –‘

Warmth filled Simon’s aching heart while Josh talked – because Josh never talked before, not like this, not this rambling creature before him. Simon hadn’t realised it at the time, but Josh had always been guarded in a way, and he never let people in, he never talked about himself, content with hearing about other people and helping them figure their shit out. He’d always admired that about Josh, and often remarked about how it was ‘one of his only redeemable qualities.’

Of course, it had been a joke, but never had Simon regretted saying anything more.

Especially now that I know how closely guarded his feelings were. I hurt him by saying it and he never called me out on it. He never let it show that it bothered him.

Josh continued to talk, and all Simon could do was watch fondly, smiling, adoring the way his curly hair was even curlier, fluffier, due to his quick shower – yet the guilt still sat inside Simon’s body, a cage with iron bars around his heart with a broken key tossed into the depths of a dark chasm.

Yeah, he would let Josh talk for as long as he wanted because if there was one thing that Josh should be?

It was that he deserved to be fucking heard.

Eventually the rambling came to an end. Josh curled up on the sofa and sighed once more. He looked over at Simon, properly look at him, and his eyebrows knitted together, a small frown playing on his lips. ‘You okay?’ Josh asked. ‘You look troubled.’

Well… now’s as good a time as any, I suppose.

I can’t hide this from him. I won’t.

‘Actually, there’s, uh… there’s something I want to talk to you about,’ Simon said.

‘Okay,’ Josh said, giving Simon his undivided attention. I don’t deserve you, Josh. ‘Shoot.’

‘I… I’ve stopped talking to your mum.’ Simon flexed his hand, willing it to stop the nervous shaking. ‘I just wanted you to know.’

Josh went quiet and scarily still. His mouth twitched. A million emotions flashed in his narrowed eyes, like he was watching a revolving door. ‘Behz and Tobi talked to you, didn’t they?’

For the first time, Simon got a glimpse of the little boy Josh had been growing up: discarded, rejected, and alone. ‘Yeah,’ Simon said weakly. ‘Yeah, they did.’

Josh didn’t have to speak for Simon to know what he was thinking; they ratted me out. They spilled my secret, a secret that wasn’t theirs to share.

Instead of getting angry, as Simon had initially feared, Josh looked somewhat relieved, a calm ocean lapping the sandy shore. He relaxed back into the sofa with a sigh. ‘Thanks.’

And Simon… Simon couldn’t cope with it. He leaned over and reached for Josh’s wrist, enclosing his hand around it, his heart fucking sinking when he felt the familiar bulk of a bandage beneath Josh’s sleeve. Slowly but surely, Simon pulled up Josh’s sleeve to find the white fabric there, and when he looked up, the man couldn’t meet Simon’s eyes, his cheeks tinted red.

That was twice in a week – well, twice in just over a week – and now Josh had matching bandages on both of his wrists. Deep down, Simon was terrified that Josh was never going to get better, that sooner or later they were going to end up back in the hospital and they’d have to start all over again.

‘Again?’ Simon asked quietly.

‘Got overwhelmed the other night,’ Josh mumbled, his eyes now downcast, like he’s ashamed of admitting he’s struggling, even now. Fuck. Fuck. ‘Was half asleep when it happened. Didn’t even realise what I was doing until Behz stopped me.’

‘Okay,’ Simon said. He made a mental note to speak to Ethan later, just to check in. ‘Why didn’t you tell me about your mum?’ he asked, tugging Josh’s sleeve back down and gently patting his wrist through it. ‘I would’ve put a stop to it weeks ago, months ago. I… I would never have called her in the first place if I’d known how bad it was, mate. I would’ve, I would’ve…’

What? What would I have done?

Josh stayed quiet for a moment, and Simon watched the man’s face twist and contort like the ocean top in a heavy storm. Josh zoned out at one point, Simon was sure, as if he’d blinked out of existence, as if he didn’t fucking exist in the first place, but he came back soon enough with warm eyes the colour of hazel and a hesitant smile to match – it barely managed to tilt his lips upwards, coming across pained, like Josh was harbouring an ache deep inside of himself that overwhelmed him, the complete opposite to how he’d looked earlier with Vik, or, the complete opposite to how he’d looked while talking to Vik.

I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ve hurt him again. I’ve upset him again.

Is that all I’m good for? Upsetting people? Upsetting… upsetting him?

‘You needed someone,’ Josh finally said, sadness and bitterness filling his warm, hazel eyes up in equal measure. They darkened. ‘And when you called, she answered.’ He swallowed. ‘She came to help you.’

Simon got the gist of what Josh didn’t say: ‘She didn’t come for my sake. I’ve called before and she’s never come. I’ve called before and she’s never called back.

‘And I didn’t want to cause any more chaos for you,’ Josh carried on. ‘It… it was fine. It’s how it’s always been.’

Simon thought back to the phone call he’d made when Josh had first arrived at the hospital, how, at the time, he’d thought it strange how fast she’d gotten herself together, how, at the time, she didn’t appear all that broken by the knowledge that her only son had tried to kill himself, how, at the time, she had looked fine and put together, how, at the time, she had been content with simply waiting.

Then, he thought about how angry Josh had been when he realised Simon had called his parents.

He let out a heavy sigh. It shuddered out of him, as if his breath was trying to cling on, as if it was trying to stick its claws into the back of throat and reside there, a perpetual lump that would always remind him of the worst day of his life. Sadness bubbled beneath his skin once more.

Simon didn’t see it. Josh had been trying to tell him in that defensive, roundabout way of his and Simon hadn’t paid enough attention to the signs that were right in front of him. None of them had.

‘I’m sorry,’ Simon said hoarsely. ‘I’m sorry you didn’t have an easy time of it. I’m sorry you didn’t have their support.’

Josh shrugged, like nothing had ever been wrong in the first place, like he didn’t fucking matter. ‘You can’t choose who your parents are, Si,’ he said. ‘The world doesn’t work like that. It never has, and it never will.’

With his heart in jagged pieces, stabbing his lungs, Simon uttered, ‘Maybe not, but you can choose your friends.’

Something flashed in Josh’s eyes, something wildly fierce burned in the depths of his pupils, something that Simon had never seen in him before.

It was something solid.

It was something concrete.

It was something everlasting.

Josh is going to be okay. We’re all going to be okay.

‘Not friends,’ Josh said firmly, grabbing Simon’s hands and squeezing. ‘Family. You’re my family.’

And Simon thought: Josh has been shunned and tossed aside his whole life like a stray dog that keeps coming back to the same abandoned house in hopes they’ll find salvation there, but to no avail.

He has me now. He has all of us now.

He will never have to search for validation or salvation again.

‘Always,’ Simon said. ‘Always.’