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Wade Wilson has always hated the taste in his mouth after getting knocked out cold.
How did he get kidnapped this time, do you ask, oh dear reader?
“Probably something plot relevant and vague just so the author can indulge” Says Wade, on the ground, peeking open an eye while he’s dragged somewhere.
Shut up Wade, you’re supposed to be knocked out. Anyways.
His mouth is always bitter, and dry like he just inhaled a mouthful of chalk laced cocaine and forgot to swallow, like he’ll cough and a cloud of something white and powdery will come out.
His mind, on the other hand. Is pure bliss, like someone else turned off the lights and tucked him in and turned off all the voices so all he hears is the soprano belting of niche eastern european opera, and an electric handsaw sawing off his leg about a palm below the knee- wait.
Deadpool opens his eyes, head spinning momentarily until he looks down, his attacker in question coming into focus as the rest of the toxins in his system gets washed out due to his healing factor. ”Who the hell does this in a three piece suit?” is Wade’s first thought, his second is the realization that he cannot move, and he’s meticulously strapped down so his body wouldn’t move too much as this man sawed off his limbs.
”Does he think I’m dead?” is the third. And ”Holy fuck are those butcher knives? Weird thing to have around when- ohhhhhh” Is the fourth.
Surprisingly, the man only notices the anomaly of Wade being not only awake, but active, once the handsaw is turned off, and Wade speaks up.
“Y’know, don’t think my leg, of all things, would be the best thing to eat” He says, in a conversational tone. It makes the man in the three piece suit look at him, surprise and curiosity in his gaze.
“Kinda, uh, made of cancer, it’s kinda my thing, and I don’t know about you, but eating something fully made of cancer cannot be appetizing-”
“You’re alive…” The man muses, seemingly ignoring everything else he was just saying. And if there was a visual representation, Wade would be giving the viewer a look.
“But right now I can only tell you the look I’m giving you because this is written media, but just know I’m giving you that look”
Focus, Wade.
“Oh, right-”
“Who are you speaking to?” Is the question the man asks now, which Wade answers with a shrug.
“Oh, don’t worry, you can’t hear them- also, nice human butchering area you’ve got here, really sterile, classy. Would totally have something like this if I wanted to become a cannibal”
“I am-”
“Not butchering humans? Yeah, not what it seems like” Wade sits up from the sleek metal table he was laid on, having untied the knots made. “Also, did you think I was dead? Real sloppy knots you made, untied them with one hand and you didn’t even notice, hah!”
A glimmer of offense shines across the man’s dark colored eyes.
It is noticed, and pointedly ignored as Wade continues to remove his binds, swinging his leg (well, one leg, and what's left of the other one) over the table to sit on the edge.
“You did think I was dead, didn’t you? I mean, whatever you injected me with probably did do the job, uhhhh, temporarily… What time is it? Gotta pick someone up soon and let me tell ya,” He chuckles, shaking his head “He won't be happy if I’m late…”
Another man comes into the room, dark, loosely curly hair, straight spine, so different to the one who had been sawing Wade up yet such similar gazes… A crease of constant irritation in between this one’s eyebrows reminds Wade of…
“Hannibal, who are you talking t-” The man starts, cutting himself off when he sees Wade, sitting up and very much alive. Wade gives him a little wave as his eyes widen. He also whistles a low tune and turns back to the one in a three piece suit, seemingly named Hannibal.
“Well isn’t that ironic, hey Hannibal the Cannibal, why didn’t you let me get tied up by mr blue-eyed bombshell over there? I’d sit nice and still” He turns with a wink to said blue eyed man.
Wade can feel Hannibal’s irritation.
“It seems like our first course has come back to life, somehow” Is Hannibal’s response to Will’s wide eyed, shocked silence.
The other, still unnamed man, eyes Wade with a semblance of disgust, stepping forward, over to where Hannibal is to get a look at the sawed off leg, and deformed skin.
“How?” is his question.
“No clue,” Hannibal answers, glancing down at Wade’s stump of a leg, the bleeding has long stopped. “Yet he seems eager enough to answer that question”
Wade gasps, exaggeratedly expressive. “I do know the answer! And it’s called ‘a dumb fuck let some crazy guy fuck him up until his cancer became super-cancer!’”
He then turns around. “I am not explaining it all to them, come on, have they not already seen the first movie?”
“Who is he talking to?” Will asks, leaning over to Hannibal.
“I believe he has a kind of schizoaffective disorder, this is not common behavior…”
“And now he’s diagnosing me, can you believe this?” Wade shakes his head, then whips around to face the two men once more. “What are you, some kinda shrink? Cause let me tell you buddy, not even telepaths want in on mi cabeza gotcha?”
“Clearly,” Hannibal replies. “Now, what exactly did you mean by cancer?”
Wade inhales, rolling his head and giving another look.
“I mean I regenerate cancer, I'm made of cancer, I breathe and shit cancer, you don’t want to eat me or you’ll get- oh, guess? Cancer!”
Hannibal’s expression contracts minutely by the crude wording, he has half a mind to stab this man and put him back to sleep… But seeing how fast he stopped bleeding, he’d rather not risk prompting him to speak even more by trying to kill him… Again.
“So, your leg that was cut off… It’ll just grow back…?” Will asks, narrowing his eyes at Wade.
“Ding ding ding, pretty boy! Saw me up all you want, imma just grow it aaaaall fuckin’ back” He replies, nice and slow, in Will’s direction, winking at the end of it, just in case he wasnt clear enough.
Apparently, that is enough to prompt Hannibal into wrapping the rope around Wade’s chest once more and pulling him back down onto the table, Will remains in his spot, an expression of mild discomfort as Hannibal does the work and Wade, strangely enough, doesn’t try to fight back.
"Damn! Thought you two would be freaky like that!" he protests mildly. “No but really, you guys can’t eat me, can’t kill me, what else are you going to do to me?”
“This,” Hannibal replies blankly, and Wade feels the sharpness of a needle pierce his neck, injecting something into him that stings.
“Oh,” Wade chuckles, already partially feeling the effects of whatever drug was pushed into his system, a larger amount than what Hannibal would usually inject into someone, but he’d rather not have Wade wake up so quickly. “Oh I get it, you are that freaky!” His voice drags on, only slightly slurred, and then he’s out like a light.
Will immediately turns to Hannibal. “What. Are we going to do with him?”
Hannibal turns to Will, stares, looks at the knocked out man who is supposed to be very dead on his metal table, stares, then turns back to Will.
“That is a very good question.”
Will runs a hand over his face, rubbing the area in between his eyebrows, he’s about to open his mouth and speak when there’s a loud crash from above, it startles both men, who share glances before tentatively exiting Hannibal’s butchering area. Will tightens his fists, and Hannibal fetches one of his knives as he leaves.
They encounter a man, broad and very obviously quite muscular, yet lacking a few inches in the height department. He wears an odd yellow and blue suit, which is the first thing Hannibal takes note of, before he turns around. The second thing he notices is that this man broke down his door.
“Where the fuck is that idiot?” He demands, as he turns around, marching toward them with very little regard to the large knife Hannibal wields.
“I know he’s here, I can smell him from a mile away” Storming past, Hannibal watches him go with curiosity, meanwhile Will is far too flabbergasted to react. The man audibly sniffs the air, and descends straight (hah.) to Hannibal’s butchering room, tearing open the door, the two other men on his tail.
“You dumb fuck, the hell did you get yourself into?!” He yells, extending a fist, three razor sharp blades protruding from his gloved knuckles as he slices into Wade’s bindings, picking him up and tossing him over his shoulder as if he weighed nothing despite Wade being significantly taller.
Wade on the other hand, peeks open his eyes, grabs a handful or two of Logan’s ass, and gasps:
“Logie! Isss that youuu pookie?” His words drag on, more delirious than usual from the substance he’s been drugged with.
Logan sighs. “Yeah it’s me, don’t bust a nut.”
“Wayy too late for that, hot stuff!”
He proceeds to turn around, looking in between Hannibal and Will, seeming to finally process their presence, as the two stare, Hannibal is amused and curious, Will is, confused.
“What’re you two lookin’ at? Outta my way.” He scowls, and takes a step forward.
Wade lifts his upper body, patting at Logan’s hair, “Shhhhhhhhhh- Calm down, kitty cat, that’s Hannie, he’s my bestie, he kidnapped me because-” He snorts, “Get this!” Wade lowers his tone of voice into obnoxious, drugged whispering. “He’s a cannibal!” He giggles, letting his body go limp once again.
“Oh, and his boyfriend is hot- hehehe hiiiii~” He waves to Will, while very upside down, Will does not react.
Logan inhales, and it’s his turn to give Will and Hannibal a look, but this time, it’s a look of you see what I gotta deal with daily?
Will pointedly ignores Wade, and turns to Hannibal. “Did you not smell the cancer or whatever, on him when you decided to knock him out?”
“I was under the impression he merely smelled… Odd” Hannibal reveals, turning to face Will with a blank expression of mild amusement, oh, he is having fun.
Will gives Hannibal a blank stare. “You smelled Freddie Lounds on me that one time and knew she was alive. You’re telling me you can’t identify someone made out of cancer?”
“I’ve found myself with a slightly stuffy nose this morning.”
“You… What?”
“Plot convenience! Pretty sure no one told you I was made of cancer, either, way to fill in the plot hole” Wade speaks up.
“Excuse me?” Inquires a very confused Will.
“Ignore his dumbass, sorry for all the shit he spewed while here.” Logan pushes past the two men, he heads back up, stepping over the broken door he’d clawed his way through earlier.
“Byeeee friends! This was fuuun, let’s do this again next week!” Wade waves Hannibal and Will goodbye, who stand in the frame of the broken down door.
“No. Let’s not, cause I’m not coming out here and savin’ your ass every goddamn week!” Logan replies, continuing to walk away.
“Aw, fine…” Wade pouts, being carried all the way home.
And for a while, Hannibal and Will remain under the doorframe.
“Well those two were… An interesting duo, were they not, Will?”
“We’re two to talk… So, is dinner going to have to be rescheduled?”
Hannibal chuckles softly. “Of course not, despite my preference for my meat fresh, I do take proper precaution in preserving whatever leftover may remain while uncooked.”
“Great,” Will replies. “And uh, Hannibal?”
“Yes, Will?”
“What are you going to do about your door?”