Work Text:
"When the chaos starts, just grab a mug, pour some coffee and write it all out. You can't fix the crazy, but you can maybe organize it a little."
W̶e̶n̶d̶e̶l̶l̶ "Smokey" Stover 1944
Walter
Ps. "Don't ask where the paratroopers come from, I think they just appear out of the woodworks like gremlins."
Number one. If Buck and Bucky happen to be sick at the same time, just keep them as far away as humanly possible. Buck moans when he's sick which makes Buckys sarcasm worse, they also fight over cough drops like an old married couple. It's annoying, just keep them separated for your own sanity.
Number two. Don't trust Hambone when he says, "I'm all good." If he's got a smile on his face, he's activity attempting to get Douglass sick for fun, and Douglass lets him.
Number three. Stormy is cranky when he's sick, so remember to bribe him with either egg drop soup or whiskey (both is the perfect answer).
Number four. When Brady gets a fever, DeMarco will write a very dramatic get well letter, complete with tear stains and doodles of B-17s on fire.
Number five. Crosby and Bubbles's beds are to be kept away from medical charts of any kind. Because the last time, they managed to prescribe Viagra to almost everyone signed with "Dr. Love." Explaining that one was uh something.
Number six. Kidd and one of his idea of helping Harding feel better when he's sick is taking him to the mess and feeding him chili. Just keep them locked in their barracks, it's safer for everyone.
Number seven. When Curt gets sick, Dickie offers him "medicine" that's just rum in a NyQuill bottle. Don't let him do this, it's not helpful.
Number eight. Trigger and Meatball aren't allowed in the medical area, because one they don't know what they are doing and two they love to eat Band-aids.
Number nine: When Helen has the flu, expect Nash to build her an entire bed out of literally anything he can find. Lock up the toolbox before he can attempt.
Number ten. Quinn doesn't believe in medicine. He full heartily believes grits will save his life, even when he's got a 101 fever and dripping snot like a leaky faucet. Just wait him out, he'll come eventually.
Number eleven. Red thinks he can't get sick. He is in fact lying.
Number twelve. When Murphy sneezes, he's gonna blame it on some government conspiracy and refuse to come get checked. Just like Quinn we wait till he's absolutely miserable.
Number thirteen. Babyface is not a licensed doctor. Don't let him near anyone with his home remedies that his mama use to make him. They usually involve a unhealthy amount of hot sauce.
Number fourteen. Rosie sings lullabys to the injured and sick, it's wholesome until he starts forgetting the lyrics and coming up with new ones.
Number fifteen. Speirs can't get sick. I swear he just glares at germs until they leave, even the germs are afraid of him.
Number sixteen. If Bill isn't sick and Joe is he'll become the self proclaimed leader of sick bay. Where he'll start a screaming contest. Because his strategy is "yell the fever out." Whatever that means.
Number seventeen. Shifty can not help grab medicine, he somehow came back with oatmeal raisin cookies. Which is odd because we don't make those in the mess, and two he didn't even leave the sick area.
Number eighteen. Skinny's remedy for literally everything is "just walk it off." Which don't, because it doesn't work. But he'll keep thinking it works.
Number nineteen. When Winks and Ken are both ill, they'll spend hours playing poker for cough drops, which will end in me having to steal said cough drops from them.
Number twenty. Eugene, Babe, and Ralph keep each other in check normally. But if one goes down, the other two panic.
Number twenty one. Friedkin must be kept away from hot water. He has this habit of accidently spilling tea on people who won't stop complaining.
Number twenty two. Crank is not allowed near thermometers. Because the last time, he stirred his soup with it.
Number twenty three. If Blakely has even a tiny cough, expect him to steal every blanket on base to make his qoute on qoute recovery nest.
Number twenty four. Bucky's sick tradition is challenging Buck in "Who can sweat it out the fastest?" In this makeshift sauna. Spoiler alert neither of them win this.
Number twenty five. Talbert is to be distracted by puzzles like a toddler. Otherwise, he'll start philosophizing about why cough drops exist in the first place.
Number twenty six. Brady insists on writing down every symptom like it's some mystery novel. He is not to share whatever "findings" he comes up with others.
Additionally: This is why Babyface thought he had the bubonic plague.
Number twenty seven. If I get whatever germs Stormy has, then I'm so sorry. Because the medical area will erupt in arguments about who's more miserable. Just grab the whistle from my office it should shut them up for at least an hour.
Number twenty eight. Dickie thinks it funny to prank people by tapping quarantine signs onto peoples back. Just remember to hide the tape.
Number twenty nine. Trigger and Meatball both know when someone is sick. They'll cuddle until the fever breaks. They are, however, blanket thiefs. So watch them like a hawk.
Additionally. Honestly I think they might be working with Blakely.
Number thirty. When Crosby has a headache he demands everyone to be quiet, which Bubbles takes as the perfect time to practice on the harmonica that Ken bought him last year for Christmas.
Number thirty one. DeMarco will attempt to take people's temperatures with the back of his hand like he's someone's Italian grandmother.
Number thirty two. Helen swears by tea; Nash on the other hand swears by whiskey. Do not let them mix the two.
Number thirty three. Douglass will volunteer to cook for the sick, which you would think is nice until he whips up his famous "onion and sardine soup." It's as gross as you can imagine.
Number thirty four. Red must be kept away from the peanut butter, he'll attempt to cure colds with it and it just ends in disaster.
Number thirty five. Speirs will tell you to "power through it," just nod your head and smile. He doesn't believe in sick days.
Number thirty six. Rosie believes in a good nap. I mean he's not wrong, but he'll end up making you take a nap.
Number thirty seven. Do not, I repeat do not let Joe pick the movie on sick days. I promise it'll be something violent and loud.
Number thirty eight. When Shifty starts sneezing, make him stay put. Otherwise, he'll wander and somehow come back ten times worse.
Number thirty nine. Cranks fight against the common cold involves yelling at it like it's some Kraut.
Number forty. When Babe gets sick, Eugene becomes a nervous wreck to the point he forces everyone to wear a mask.
Number forty one. Friedkin thinks doing a hundred pushups to "sweat it out." Helps in making people including himself get better. Just ignore him, he's wrong.
Number forty two. Curt and Dickie aren't to be left alone with medical tools. They'll use the stethoscope to play fascinating spy games. It's fascinating yes, but still don't let them.
Number forty three. Quinn thinks he doesn't need sleep. He does. Force him into bed, and if that doesn't work, we do have sleepy drugs.
Number forty four. Blakely will request more pillows then we own, even when he knows he has all the pillows on base.
Number forty five. Babyface will also make "special soup" but it's actually just spicy ramen and misery.
Number forty six. Stormy has no patience for sickness. I or someone has to physically drag him away from his desk.
Number forty seven. When Buck starts coughing, Bucky will do something called "sick count" and loudly annouce it to everyone in their barrack.
Number forty eight. At all cost keep Ken and Winks away from the mess during flu season. They'll attempt to bake "healing cookies" that mysteriously taste like motor oil.
Number forty nine. Crosby can't handle spicy food, but Bubbles thinks it's funny to put chili flakes in his soup. Because he can't taste it.
Number fifty. Hardings "remedy" for literally anything is coffee. Kidd supports this full heartily.
Number fifty one. Helen has a stash of lemon drops. Nash will attempt to ingest them all the seconds he gets the sniffles.
Number fifty two. When Douglass gets sicks, Hambone makes himself his nurse, which he just uses to boss him around.
Number fifty three. Winks can't diagnosis anyone. Because last time, he declared Ken had something called "explosive measles," which no isn't a thing, so don't panic.
Number fifty four. Joe full heartily believes that for colds is just to have it "punched" out of your system. This will not help, please don't let him punch you especially with those brass knuckles of his.
Number fifty five. Meatball and Trigger are also needed to kept away from cough syrup, they think it's a yummy snack.
Number fifty six. Skinny forgets to wash his hands. Please remind him, or we'll have the entirety of Easy Company at our door, begging to be seen by me.
Number fifty seven. Speirs will complete his tasks even with a high fever, just to prove some point. Just let him, but the stay the fuck away.
Number fifty eight. If Talbert has even a small fever, he'll start quoting poetry, it's often wrong but it's poetry nonetheless.
Number fifty nine. Shifty believes in "mountain remedies" for everything. But fair warning I'm pretty sure they contain moss and moonshine, so I do not recommend.
Number sixty. Murphy will looked possessed by death itself and still say "never better." Whatever you do don't believe him.
Number sixty one. Babyface can't sneeze quietly. It's like a banshee scream. Warn everyone when he gets the sniffles.
Number sixty two. When Curt loses his voice. Dickie attempts to be that voice. It never ends well, just separate them for the time being. It's not impossible to do.
Number sixty three. Quinn's idea of sleeping is running around the airfield. Stop him before he passes out and hits his head against the concrete.
Number sixty four. Babe claims all is well, when in reality he's secretly hoarding cough drops in his pocket like some deranged squirrel.
Number sixty five. Eugene is little over dramatic anytime anyone just sneezes. Even a cough, he's either dragging them and the entire company to me or secretly planning their funeral in his head.
Number sixty six. Ralph thinks he's a comedian when he's ill, his jokes will make no sense. Just laugh anyway.
Number sixty seven. Rosie believes in something called aromatherapy. He'll burn different smelling candles, even if he sets the fire alarms off.
Number sixty eight. Bubbles and Crosby pranks don't stop at prescribing people Viagra, they also somehow have fake thermometers and ketchup, that they use for fake blood.
Number sixty nine. I'm well aware that Stormy doesn't believe in tissues, but the sleeves of his uniform instead. I'm working on staging an intervention.
Number seventy. When Red gets the chills, he'll just like Blakely will demand more blankets then we own. Just pray him and Blakely don't get sick at the same time.
Number seventy one. Hambone will try to convince you that dinosaur chicken nuggets are the cure. He's lying, but he's to adorable to say no to.
Number seventy two. Douglass will write overly dramatic farewell letters to everyone he knows, even if it's just allergies.
Number seventy three. Winks and Ken make their sickness a competition of who can shake it faster. Spoiler alert it never ends well.
Number seventy four. Brady has some scary ass fever dreams. He'll wake up screaming about gremlins and Crosby in his plane.
Number seventy five. DeMarco is to never mix his own "medicine/remedies." The last one I'm not kidding involved cough syrup, whiskey, and out of date canned peaches.
Number seventy six. Helen hates people sneezing. So that's why everyone who's sick is banned to my wing, because it's the furthest away from where she sleeps.
Number seventy seven. When Shifty offers you tea, please check it. It mostly like "spiked" with moonshine.
Number seventy eight. Murphy is not to be told conspiracy theories while he's bedridden. His fever rambling are scaring the replacements.
Number seventy nine. Curt will try to read from the largest medical book I own to diagnosis himself and friends. Dickie encourages him in this, so be warned. He's not a medical professional.
Number eighty. When Buck starts whining, Bucky will whine louder. It's an endless loop you can't escape.
Number eighty one. Skinny is not to handle food for the sick. He uses "flavor enhancers" aka dirt.
Number eighty two. Joe's laughter is as contagious as his germs. So beware.
Number eighty three. Eugene turns into mother goose. I'm not kidding he fluffs the pillows every twenty minutes.
Number eighty four. Babe and Ralph will fight over ginger ale like it's the last one ever. Just make sure we always have extra.
Number eighty five. Trigger has a sixth sense for fevers, he'll magically appear and curl up next to someone. The next day they're sick.
Number eighty six. When Blakely is sick, he'll refuse to say he is at first but he'll leave a tissue trail.
Number eighty seven. Talbert gives unsolicited life advice when sick. Most of it is gibberish, but write it down anyway, it could be important later.
Number eighty eight. I have no patience for whiners. I will tell you to grow a pair well giving you your chicken soup.
Number eighty nine. Stormy gets angry when he's bedridden. Ignore him, he'll pass out eventually. That or I'll drug him.
Number ninety. Babyface thinks the louder you yell well losing your voice, the faster it comes back. It doesn't, but it's funny to watch.
Number ninety one. Shifty's sneezes sound like gunshots. Which is probably why they send him here, instead of keeping him on the frontline.
Number ninety two. Brady insists on also documenting his recovery in a "sick journal" it usually reads like a Shakespearean tragedy.
Additionally. Sometimes he starts speaking Shakespeareans, nobody knows why...
Number ninety three. When Crosby is delirious, he'll start reciting old radio commercials. Bubbles finds this funny and eggs him to continue.
Number ninety four. DeMarco will attempt to serenade the sick. It's worse then Bucky, but it's the thought that counts.
Number ninety five. Harding won't drink water unless Kidd tells him it's "special juice."
Number ninety six. Rosie knits for the sick. But the blankets are usually too long and trip me, my nurses, the other doctors, and passerbys.
Number Ninety seven. Quinn thinks screaming at the clouds helps. I don't know either.
Number ninety eight. When Harding starts coughing, he'll insist on a cigar to "clear out the lungs." I don't approve of this.
Number ninety nine. Speirs won't lay down instead he'll sit silently in the corner while sick, terrifying everyone including me.
Number one hundred. If it all fails, just yell for me. I've dealt with it with it all. Mostly.
"Wait, so your name isn't Walter?" (Hambone)
"Howard, put down the pen, give me my journal and go back to your bed. I'll bring you chicken soup in a minute." (Smokey)
"Okay, like my mama use to make? :)" (Hambone)
"Yes, and don't put smiley faces in my book." (Smokey)
"You'll keep it through it right?" (Hambone)
"Of course." (Smokey)
Wendell Walter "Smokey" Stover.
"Wait, so it's your middle name?" (Hambone)
"Howard!" (Smokey)
:)