Work Text:
*Themes of Homophobia throughout the whole story*
Love was the Law
Religion was taught
Sorscha always felt different, she never 'fit in', she was okay with that but she still would like to know what it was like to feel 'normal'. Herself and her parents moved to England from Ireland when she was 15, she missed it there, she's glad she never lost the accent. She had lots of friends in Ireland, life was peaceful there, she could be herself there.
When they moved, Sorscha began attending an all girls school,this is when she began realising a lot about herself. She had one friend, her name was Beth. One day she asked Beth if she ever got butterflies around other girls that they shared classes with, if she also thought about girls a majority of the time. Her friend never really gave a response however it broke Sorscha's heart to receive a message saying:
"Hey, sorry to do this but I don't really think we should be friends anymore, it was nice knowing you Sorscha"
Sorscha never understood why they couldn't be friends anymore, but decided she'd just keep her head down and be alone for a while. That was three years ago and Sorscha,now 18, found it hard to make connections with people. Her mother talked to her about future relationships and asked if she was ever going to bring home a nice boy. Sorscha didn't want that, she didn't know what she wanted anymore. She didn't like boys, she never did, in her eyes she could think of nothing worse than spending the rest of her life with a man by her side. Girls however, girls were different. They were soft and pretty and gentle.
She had heard what her parents had said about people loving the same gender, "It's a sin" "It's disgusting" "We could never have someone like that living here". They did, they had her. They didn't know that though and Sorscha believed they never would. Sorscha's family were religious, and raised her to be the same. She didn't really pay too much attention to what was being taught in church or her religious studies classes in school. She also didn't understand why she couldn't love who she wanted and follow what was happening in church. It always seemed to be one or the other, she didn't like that, she loved her family dearly but she also knew what kind of person she wanted to fall in love with.
In her final year of school a new girl arrived and shared only one class with Sorscha. Her name was Clodagh. Sorscha had never seen a more beautiful woman in her whole life. Clodagh was soft, she was gentle, she was patient, she was kind. They had never spoke, Sorscha knew she'd make a fool of herself around a girl like that, that was until they were paired together for an assignment. Sorscha's stomach erupted with butterflies when she heard their names be called out together, their names sounded nice together, she could get used to hearing them together.
"Hello, I don't believe we've met, I'm Clodagh" she said putting her hand out for Sorscha to shake, Sorscha stared at her hand. "This is usually the part where you would shake my hand" Clodagh giggled.
"Oh! Sorry, nice to meet you, I'm Sorscha"
The assignment question read as follows: What is religion? Do religious experiences prove the existence of a god? Do miracles exist? -Discuss
Sorscha stared at the page, unsure on the direction to take this answer, she looked at Clodagh from the side of her eye and saw her also staring at the page with the same expression on her face.
"Religion is love" Clodagh said quietly, not looking up from her page, Sorscha looked at her, studied her. The way her long dark hair fell perfectly over her shoulder, the slight hint of nerves that came with her voice, the way she wouldn't look back at her as she spoke, Clodagh continued "Religion is about loving everybody equally."
"That's not always the case" Sorscha said causing the other girl to finally lift her head to her "my mammy is religious but I don't think she loves me the same way she loves my brother".
"Have you given her a reason to love your brother more?"
Sorscha couldn't help but feel taken back by Clodagh's response, she could tell that Clodagh could see right through her. There was a reason, Sorscha wasn't brave enough to tell her the reason. Anyone she's ever mentioned it to has left her, her family refuse to speak about it like it's some dirty crime she's committing everyday of her life. She wasn't even out to her family and yet she had the feeling that they knew, her mum introducing her to any male family friend, basically begging her daughter to find a connection with anyone, anyone who wouldn't put shame on their family.
"Religion is devotion" Sorscha ignored Clodagh's question, "you have to be devoted to want to believe, that's what my priest says every week at church"
"What do you believe Sorscha?" The two girls finally made direct eye contact and Sorscha shook her head slightly, quite liking how forward Clodagh was, she knew she could hold a good conversation. Clodagh was someone she felt she could be honest with, but not too honest. Honesty meant that everyone would know, what if Clodagh was someone she couldn't trust? Lots of people liked her, she had every reason to tell everyone about how Sorscha felt. It was better to stay quiet, it was safer. She was snapped out of her thoughts by the school bell ringing. Before leaving the room Clodagh turned back to Sorscha and said;
"Just because you believe in something doesn't mean that it's there, I'll see you next class Sorscha, I'm looking forward to working with you."
Sorscha breathed out, in awe of the woman she had just spoke with for the past hour. The rest of the day was spent thinking about the conversation they had had, yes it was small, but something about Clodagh drew Sorscha in, she wanted to get to know her more, she wanted her to become a priority in her life. She was quiet the whole day, she skipped her last lesson and left school early to just take herself away from everything, she ended up at the park and sat on a hidden bench beneath the trees. Something about Clodagh, the confidence she had, how forward she had been even after only meeting Sorscha, she liked it all. Sorscha couldn't help herself, she imagined her perfect relationship, Clodagh filling the space next to her in the vision, the space of which had just been a shadow, one that Sorscha could never fill in the blanks for because she could never think of herself ever being in a relationship so perfect. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, resting it in her hands, she cursed at herself for letting her mind travel that far ahead, she didn't even know if Clodagh liked girls.
"You look deep in thought, everything okay?"
Sorscha jumped when she heard the voice and was shocked to see the person who had been clouding her thoughts standing there.
"I have to walk through the park to get home and saw you sitting here, are you alright?"
Sorscha didn't really know how to respond and saying "No I'm not alright but I was just imagining a future for us" felt like the wrong thing to say. She nodded instead. Clodagh took a seat next to her, Sorscha couldn't take her eyes off of her. "I'm glad we got partnered up for the assignment" Clodagh said, trying to make light conversation with the very obvious nervous girl sitting next to her, "the school is so big it's been hard getting to know everyone, it makes me miss my last school which is something I never thought I'd say." She gave a small chuckle as she finished her sentence but Sorscha could tell it was just to keep the conversation light hearted, the laugh wasn't the kind people used when something was funny but more when someone was hiding the truth and playing it off, Sorscha had used that laugh one too many times in her life, it was all too familiar.
You could cut the tension with a knife, both girls had so much they wanted to say but neither of them were brave enough to get words to come out of their mouths. Sorscha could feel the other girls eyes on her, she looked across to her meeting her stare, feeling herself get lost in the deep blue of Clodagh's eyes, 'perfect' was the only word that she could get her mind to think, all current thoughts were of Clodagh.
"You don't have to be scared Sorscha" she said suddenly "you can say you aren't all you want, but I can tell that you are, it's only me."
'She can see right through you, deny, deny, deny everything she's about to ask" raced through Sorscha's head. "I'm not scared, why would I be scared?" Sorscha mumbled
"You and I are a lot more alike than you think Sorscha, you just don't know it." Clodagh said, Sorscha took a deep, shaky breath. "What are you talking about?" She questioned. Clodagh took one of Sorscha's hands into hers, Sorscha felt like she was on fire, her skin burning from the touch of the other girl, now very aware that her hands were probably sweaty but trying not to overthink it.
"You have to work that out for yourself, I can't make you admit to anything Sorscha, you're a smart girl I know you'll be able to come up with a good conclusion" she squeezed Sorscha's hand and Sorscha felt like she was going to melt. The cold air surrounding them felt like smoke, making Sorscha warmer by the second, making it hard for her to breathe. Clodagh continued letting go of the Irish girls hand, "You should head home it's going to get dark soon, I'll see you in class tomorrow have a nice night Sorscha."
Sorscha sat unable to move and watched as she walked away, paralysed to the park bench her fingers ghosting over the hand that was once being kept warm by Clodagh's, it was like her body was trying to trap the heat of the other girls inside of her hand, never wanting Sorscha to be cold again and only knowing the heat which radiated from Clodagh's soft skin. The cool breeze suddenly made her shiver and it hit her just how long she had been sitting on the bench. She checked her phone clock and realised she had been there for far too long, the numbness of her fingers from the cold became apparent in that very moment, she also came to the conclusion that she was running late for family dinner "shit" she muttered to herself before rushing home.