Chapter Text
It's a rare occasion that Meredith doesn't feel cold. Mostly it happens when she's been drinking. When she drinks she feels a little warmer and logically, medically she knows how it works, how the alcohol dilates her blood vessels and improves the blood circulation.
Right now though she feels the warmth in her chest, she feels warm from talking and laughing with... Addison.
The sudden appearance of the woman who should be her arch nemesis had puzzled her endlessly. Until she realized that the attending was close to being completely shit-faced.
If anyone understood how coming to terms with emotions and alcohol were linked together, it was Meredith Grey, so now she drinks with Addison, clinks glasses together with her and toasts to stupid things like "Breakups!", "Unwelcome emotions!" And "The coffee waggon in front of the clinic!"
It's surprisingly easy to just sit here with Addison and drink. She is a good drinking companion, not too over the top, but still funny.
After several more toasts, she decides it's time to answer Addison's question. Because she is sitting with her. Because they are sharing alcohol and because they had slept with the same goddamned man.
"I don't think I want to be with Derek.", Meredith says into a moment of silence in which she pours the two of them another glass of wine.
The redhead next to her waits out her next words, her bright eyes a little unfixated.
"Before you got here, to Seattle, I thought this was it. The lovestory I wanted, the one I craved.", the younger woman continues. "I was very much falling for him and that's when this unfairly gorgeous woman just waltzes up to us and introduces herself as my perfect boyfriend's wife."
Meredith glances at Addison out of the corner of her eyes, asking herself, if she even wanted to hear Meredith's side of this encounter.
Addison is very interested in a spot on the table in front of her, but seems to be listening.
"I was so mad. At Derek, mostly, for not telling me this. In a way I felt cheated on."
Gulping audibly Addison looks up, her eyes sad. "Sorry.", she mutters. "I could've been more sensitive that day."
A moment of silence passes in which the two women just carefully stare at each other.
"Well... anyways, I..." Meredith hesitates, once again fidgeting with her hands, breaking the eye contact.
"I... practically begged him to choose me. And not you." There. She said it, admitted it.
Addison's eyes widen and she grits her teeth.
"And he didn't.", she says, sounding almost angry. At whom, Meredith doesn't know.
"And he didn't", she agrees.
It stings, talking about it. Even though she is more angry now than hurt. Not being chosen hurts. Being the second choice, being not enough. And now she is even angrier after Addison's admittance that, in fact, Derek chose her willingly even though he made it clear that he hadn't wanted to. And now he makes her responsible even though he had been the one making the decision.
Suddenly enraged, Meredith slams her fists on the table and groans loudly, startling the other woman a little.
"Meredith..." Addison's voice sounds a little surprised, but strained with worry.
"He makes you seem like the culprit, like the whole ass villain of the story as if he is to blame for nothing of it all!" The younger woman is up on her feet suddenly, pacing.
"And all while making me feel responsible for him choosing you, making me feel inferior to you and now you're telling me that at the same time he makes you feel miserable as well?" She throws her hands up in frustration.
"He chose me, because he thought it was the right thing...", Addison tries, carefully as though not to make Meredith even angrier, but the intern is unstoppable in her rage now, pointing a finger at her colleague.
"No!", she yells. "Don't defend him! He makes me and you feel like shit! And blames us for that. He could've been honest with me right from the beginning. And honest with you, too!" She takes a deep breath, pressing the heels of her hands against her forehead.
"I'm not mad at him for trying, Addison. A marriage... that's serious. But he should have enough decency not to look at me like... like that... all the time! And I am mad at him for making you believe you had a chance. He has to know it's over. And he should let you off the hook."
Meredith stops pacing in the middle of the room breath a little ragged from ranting so noisily.
-
After Meredith's outbreak Addison stares, dumbfounded, cheeks a little flushed. She feels herself sober up a little at the other doctor's words. It's been a while since someone got so mad on her behalf. Or, well, also on her behalf, because it seems like Derek really poked a wound there with Meredith.
Meredith, who apparently is not done talking just yet.
"You're being the bigger person here. And you have been the bigger person ever since you came here.", she says, voice quieter now.
What does she mean by that? The bigger person? She was the one who had broken into a happy relationship. The unwanted one, destroyer of happy couples.
Her questions must be visible on her face, because Meredith sits back down and grabs Addison's hand in hers. Hers is small, but very warm. For a split second Addison hopes her own hand isn't sweaty or clammy.
She looks at the blonde expectantly.
"You are leaving him. That is what he should be doing. You're being the bigger person, realizing it has to end, and actually wanting to end it." Meredith gives Addison's hand a gentle squeeze. "You're being very strong."
Addison looks up from their conjoined hands and into the very green, very intense eyes of Meredith Grey. A blush creeps up her neck and she thinks her skin must be as red as her hair now.
"What do you mean, since I got here, Meredith?", Addison whispers, because she is afraid her voice might do something stupid like break.
Sighing, Meredith withdraws her hand and why the hell does she miss the contact? She's probably touch-starved.
The young doctor thinks about Addison's question for a moment before answering.
Sometimes she talks with her hands, the older woman notices. It's sort of endearing.
"You could've been mean to me. Make me do the shitty work at the hospital, assign me to the meanest patients. But you never did..." She tilts her head to the side, thinking.
"I thought maybe you weren't being crappy, because you didn't want Derek to see you treating me like shit. But then...", she trails off.
Why does Meredith stop talking? Why on earth when Addison desperately wants her to continue, wants her to finish the sentence. Then... what? She wants to hear why she isn't a bad person, wants to hear it from Meredith, from this woman who should logically hate her.
Because if she can see her like that, then maybe Addison can believe it.
The young intern looks uncomfortable now and quickly pours herself another shot of tequila.
Finally, after watching Meredith down the shot, a few droplets running down her chin, Addison can't take it any longer.
"Then what, Meredith?", she asks, her knuckles white from gripping the edges of her chair so hard. The question comes out a little shakier than intended. Hopefully Meredith can't sense her desperation.
Looking up from her shot glass, but not quite meeting the other woman's eyes Meredith bites her lower lip, the flesh turning white beneath her teeth. Her normally pale face is slightly pink now, probably from the alcohol, but the hue of color suits her, Addison decides.
"Then I started thinking. After our first shift together I was sure. You could've just ignored me, pretended I didn't even exist. But instead, you requested me, it was so illogical. Until it dawned on me..."
Practically hanging onto Meredith's lips right now, Addison waits for the big revelation, for something that she might missed during their first encounters. Something that maybe makes it all make sense.
Meredith takes a deep, shaky breath. She is nervous, Addison realizes.
"... you wanted to make sure that I know I wasn't the villain in the story. You wanted me to know that I wasn't to blame for your misery. That day we started working together, when you requested me as your intern..."
Addison remembers that day vividly. Asking for Meredith that day had been sort of instinctual rather than intentional even though logically she had known how uncomfortable she would make the young woman feel. But she had wanted to meet her, back then to also know what she was up against.
Their patient that day had been a pregnant woman with a high risk for a miscarriage resulting in infertility. Luckily, Addison had been able to help the woman deliver a healthy set of twins, but the interactions with the patient had been... strained to say the least. There was a backstory of a cheating husband and father of her twins and somehow the young mother had heard of the unfolding events regarding her doctor, her doctor's intern and the guy who was standing in between these two.
To the patient it was clear that Meredith must be some kind of dirty mistress seducing another woman's husband. Therefore the one to blame and she had demanded the intern to be taken off her case.
Until Addison had stepped in and defended Meredith.
And why? Yes, to right a wrong and to shield the young doctor from the unfair and almost hostile way she'd been treated. But why? Because she thought this was her job as an attending? No, not entirely. Because then she wouldn't have shared the whole personal backstory with the patient in front of her intern. She would probably have sought out the patient in private to tell her off for being so rude and maybe she would've told her that Meredith wasn't accountable for the broken marriage. Without revealing any dirty details, perhaps.
So why had she done it the way she did? Dying to hear what conclusions Meredith had come to afterwards, she leans forward a little.
This was turning out to be a much deeper conversation than Addison had anticipated when she got here first. But she finds that she doesn't mind. Talking with the blonde is surprisingly... easy. Yes, she is drunk and yes, she has talked to her before, and also about private stuff, but this is... new territory. They are talking about their feelings, their extraordinary situation that has linked them together in away that is wildly unexpected.
"Well... at first, I thought you wanted to meet me, to see what kind of person I am purely out of curiosity. And maybe be a little passive aggressive. That's what I would have done probably." Even after the several tequila shots and at least two glasses of wine, Meredith's voice is surprisingly steady.
"And you weren't exactly making it easy for me, no, you were strict, but not more than Bailey or Burke. Or Dr. Webber. I learned and I wanted to learn. Even though I was wondering why you didn't jump forward to scratch out my eyeballs." She chuckles a little at that and leans back in her chair before letting her head fall back to look at the ceiling. Addison watches her intently.
"I was nervous and uncomfortable and I wanted to desperately hate you, really. Until you defended me in front of that patient. You defended me, and made sure I knew that you knew I wasn't the bad guy. And that's when I realized you wanted to protect me. Wanted me to feel safe in your presence, because then I wouldn't be alone in this shitshow of a situation."
Sighing deeply, she added: "So we'd be in it together, somehow."
After these statements Meredith is still looking at the ceiling, her head resting on the back of her chair.
"And now you're doing it again. You're being the person who tries not to only make herself feel better, but others, too. Do you even realize, how hard you make it for me to even dislike you?"
During the last sentence Meredith lifts her head again, her words now spoken with more force behind them. Her eyes are a little wet, her expression stern. She really means it.
Addison swallows, her mouth suddenly very dry. What was she supposed to say to that?
But the other woman doesn't give her a chance to think about that much, because she already continues her monologue.
"... like, I know how you came here to win him back and to fight for your marriage. But Addison... it says a lot about you as a person that you didn't want me to get caught in the crossfire, that you tried to make it as amicably as possible."
Addison feels a single tear run down her left cheek and wipes it away in frustration not wanting the intern to see her cry. By God she'd done enough fucking crying today. She was so done being vulnerable, done with being such a crybaby.
This woman though. This woman sitting across from her, who should hate her, who should be angry with her, who should not be talking to her like this... it is as though someone is gently placing a warm blanket around her shoulders, tenderly covering her body with warmth after she has felt so cold and lost for such a long time. She simply can not help it.
And of course Meredith sees the tear slip despite her hurried attempt at wiping it away. She smiles carefully.
That soft, careful little smile does something to Addison and she feels the space in her chest widen, she feels it expanding, making room for a tingling sensation. It feels... good. A bit like spring cleaning for the soul, to talk all of this out, to finally have someone to see her and listen to her. Someone to untangle this mess with.
She is very aware that she is more than a little tipsy now and when she sees Meredith standing up to walk around the table on slightly wobbly legs to let herself fall into the chair right next to Addison she can simply stare.
Everything is a little soft and fuzzy around the edges and she knows this whole thing, this whole encounter should be weird, she should be absolutely weirded out by their sudden physical proximity. And yet, she isn't.
-
Why she approaches the other woman Meredith doesn't really know, but suddenly she is sitting right next to her, their upper arms brushing against each other gently. Goose bumps erupt underneath Meredith's Dartmouth longsleeve.
Maybe it's all the alcohol clouding her judgement, but there had been this sudden need to be closer to Addison. Perhaps it's the tear. Singular. They had shared a moment, shared emotions and shared the same broken heart.
Which makes Meredith feel a little calmer than before. They were in this together somehow.
And now the extent of her anger towards Derek is becoming increasingly clear.
Him, who simply couldn't make up his mind, meddling with the life of two women, making them both feel like shit, like they weren't enough.
Meredith, because he hadn't chosen her and Addison, because even though he chose her he didn't show her that he wanted to actually be with her.
Which made Meredith's heart hurt for Addison, because this feeling of being unwanted, not good enough, not worth loving was something she didn't wish upon anybody.
The silence that surrounds them now since Meredith had ended her whole ass speech was comfortable yet sort of charged. Because Meredith knows the redhead next to her is vulnerable right now, has opened up enough to let her glimpse into her wounded soul and is afraid now of what the younger woman might see.
Following a gut instinct Meredith takes Addison's hand once more, this time not to get a point across, but more to offer some sympathy, some sign for Addison that they both could get through this whole mess, each in their individual way, but they could do it.
Addison's head shoots up and she directs her gaze at Meredith's face, their eyes meeting, green and greyish blue.
"Thank you.", Addison whispers and sniffles almost inaudibly.
Meredith is definitely drunk, far beyond tipsy, because what she does now isn't even weird anymore, it's so batshit crazy her sober self would probably wish to be six feet under by dawn.
But this atmosphere, these raw feelings and their mutual understanding make it feel so right, make her feel so right. Not broken. Not dark and twisted, but bright and whole.
So she does the only thing she can think of right now and lets her forehead slowly fall against Addison's.
If the other woman is shocked she doesn't show it. Instead Meredith feels a shaky breath ghost over her face that smells of the fruity wine and tequila. She closes her eyes and inhales Addison's breath.
Neither of them moves a muscle. They simply sit in silence, breathing the same air, eyes closed. It is such an intimate moment that now even Meredith's drunk self feels slightly embarrassed. But not enough to end it just yet.
Until suddenly a loud thud lets them jump apart and they hear footsteps in the hall. Right, this is a shared living space and Meredith's roommates are coming home.
Their moment is destroyed like a soap bubble bursting and the two women hurriedly get off the chairs, stumbling over their feet a little, trying to put as much space between them as possible.
Suddenly sobered up both of them are embarrassed and Meredith feels a blush crawling up her neck and settling on her cheeks.
Anxiously they look into the general direction of the front door, afraid Izzy or George might waltz into the kitchen.
The footsteps disappear up the stairs though and she is more than thankful for that, because explaining what the hell Addison Montgomery-Shepherd of all people is doing here right now would have been too much for her right now. Her breathing returns to a somewhat healthy frequency, but her heart rate still very much counts as tachycardia.
Addison retreats further towards the door.
"Sorry... uhm, I should probably...", she mumbles gesturing behind her with her thumb over her shoulder.
Alarmed, Meredith steps forward. "You're not going to drive, are you?", she asks, louder than intended.
Still walking backwards on wobbly legs the redhead shakes her head no. "Took a cab here, planning to take one back...", she explains.
They stare at each other for one more moment, before Addison turns around on her heel and all, but runs towards the door.
Right before the other woman disappears, Meredith hears her whisper "Good night, Meredith." Then she is gone.
Standing in the middle of the hallway of her house Meredith crosses her arms in front of her body, hugging herself. She suddenly feels exhausted. And cold. As though Addison had taken all the warmth with her, her fiery red hair the only source of heat in here.
What a stupid thought. Slowly Meredith directs her steps up the stairs and towards her bedroom door to get some sleep. This would all make sense in the morning, she would untangle this new mess and her heart would feel much less raw and bruised.
This weird tingling sensation she had felt during her conversation with Addison would be gone in the morning and it would all be alright.
The last picture that she sees before she falls asleep is Addison, sitting across from her, looking at her intensely, a single tear running down her cheek.